just beautiful

Today I've cried. Buckets.

I can't even remember the last time I've done that. Maybe when I arrived in Steamboat Springs, CO in September of 2006 after leaving a man I had been in a relationship with for 32 years. For the first time since I was 18 years old he was no longer in my life, or so I thought. Last September he came back in with his wonderful, beautiful wife who I just love dearly. I've been learning that sometimes goodbyes really mean see ya later. I didn't think there would ever be a need to see him again until he was the only one who I wanted to be there with me. It was our daughter who brought us together again, and this time he brought his Leslie with him, and our family grew by one. Now I remember the time more recently when the tears flowed so freely, and it was the moment I saw his car pull into the driveway, and he came out to talk with me. I held him and we both cried buckets. His wife joined us. There is something so powerful in the act of letting love guide. I saw love operate amongst us like a soft, kind blowtorch. It cemented a bond that has deep roots and loving kindness.

And today I am remembering that sadness, that overwhelming feeling of helplessness turn into a sweet surrender knowing that there is nothing I need do right now at this very moment but just sit in the feelings that I'm feeling and know I'm okay and so is my world.

Last night my friend and I took my daughter to the train station so she could begin the next leg of her journey. I know some of my tears have a lot to do with seeing her off and having me still be in a state I've been wanting out of for a long time. I am sitting with that feeling right now and breathing through it as I "see" another place for myself with beautiful beings that are truly my brothers and sisters. While I look out the window right now and see the massive quantities of snow, I see in my mind's eye that raised-bed garden where I pick vegetables and herbs for the evening meal shared with my soul family. I see the dresses I make for the goddesses that enter my life and dance in their garments in the moonlight. I see the smiles on faces sitting around the kitchen table, spreading butter on the homemade bread and mingling effortlessly in the communal language. I see that all so clearly, and my tears dry up. I look outside at the vegetation and see growth and abundance. I look inside my heart and feel its expansion, and know that I am loved deeply.

And I breathe. And with that, I know that everything is just beautiful.

let it be

Sitting on the couch this morning with the fire roaring and the dog snoring, checking my Facebook page when the following video just "popped up". (I really don't know how things show up in my life, but internet seems to put things in my face like nothing else, and this is a prime example.)

magical video watching

This crazy life I reside in has been a roller coaster ride of the scariest, the most thrilling, and the greatest growing. Sometimes though I just hold my hands up, look at the ceiling, and scream upwards: "Beam me up, Scotty!"

I know there have been people who have thought committing me in some kind of mental facility would serve their purposes well, but the crazy that lingers in my thoughts is not one of the unhealthy mental diagnosis. Instead it's one of much self-reflection, one that steers me down winding and hilly paths that twists and turn by the seconds. Right when I think I have a handle on some direction in my life, poof! there goes that avenue.

So, here I sit clueless as a vagabond, no baggage, light as air, free to leap, and wondering at the moment in which direction. When I've left one place for another, I had always had that "other" place in which to go. This time is different. I thought I had a place. I could still make that my place, but I don't want to. Whatever made me think that I wanted to live in a ski resort community AGAIN? I don't ski. I am not fond of shoveling feet of snow, skidding on ice, feeling "squished" in the valley surrounded by mountains. I'm a wide-open girl. I like space around me to stretch out and sometimes to be alone, but sometimes not.

Back in 2008 I left a mountain resort town after just meeting someone that I had a relationship with. He begged me not to go. I insisted. I had to. I was on my next mission. I had my plan mapped out perfectly. I was on a time schedule. yada yada yada...

Not only did he "let" me go, but he helped pack up my studio carrying boxes down a steep flight of stairs, not once, not one time saying a harsh word, being angry, or even sad. He told me that he would do whatever he could for me because he knew this is what I was determined to do. His only request was to call him on my 1000-mile U-Haul truck driving trip through the mountains before heading south. He just wanted to know that I was okay and was making my way to my destination safely.

Every day since then I have discovered in many ways through many relationships just how brilliantly his actions have shown me genuine non-attached love. I've traveled thousands of miles since I last saw him. I have forged, developed, and ended several relationships, but his feelings for me have been a recent reminder to me that his ability to "let" me go and experience the world without him has been one of the truest forms of kindness I've ever witnessed.

How do I trust my own heart after I feel it has lead me to relationships that I just KNEW were the right ones for me, and they each became ones that needed to end, sometimes rather quickly. Follow my heart? It has lead me down some pretty tough dark alleys lately, but each time I've come through a bit shinier and wiser. That much I'm sure of. So, am I wise enough now to choose what shows up in my life that comes so easily, so effortlessly, so truly? Is it okay for me to know that he still loves me and just be with that, maybe even love him back?

I do feel love for him. I always have. He has shown up in my life over and over again at the most amazing moments. I don't take that lightly. We've had extraordinary experiences together whether we were together physically or not. And now I'm on another road looking west, watching it unfold, feeling into it, wondering just how unattached I can be with it. Maybe this time I can lead with my heart fully without getting my hopes up, without setting my mind on what it looks like, and just allowing it to be whatever it is. Maybe then we can see what happens with our love for each other.

seeking

I just wrote a long paragraph that got erased. I thought I was being honest and pouring my heart out, but apparently the "powers that be" assume otherwise, because in the tech world my words just went "poof"! So, I'm going to try again, and this time I'm going to be transparent.

Here goes.

I am living a life like I never have before. I don't know what's five minutes ahead of me. I have certainly made plans, and all of them have fallen apart. I am learning that I need to stop trying to figure it out. I am getting messages from people I've never met in person, others that I haven't been in contact with in years, and others that I've recently communicated with long distance, and every single one of these people offer a piece of this crazy puzzle I've been trying to put together without having a picture to work from.

First of all the people that have come into my life. What can I say? I am totally blown away by their love and generosity.  This month in particular has been the biggest show of love I've ever experienced. These amazing beings are coming to me with such grace and sweetness. My needs are being met over and over in ways that I couldn't have possibly figured out if I'd tried.

I have this vision that has not only changed since the first time conceiving of it last month, but has also gotten clearer and clearer. At first I saw a healing center of great magnitude in the mountains near Aspen. I couldn't ever see it very clearly, and my feelings about it were distant. I just knew that was where I wanted to land. It has been home for me most of my life, and I thought that was where I needed to be finally. Is it still? I shake my head in wonder. I truly don't have any answers about that right now.

However, what I do hold as a very clear vision is something that came to me the other night. It was so vivid and so charged with emblazoned passion on my heart that I couldn't sleep. It was a remembrance of a vision I had seen back in 2004, and something I've put some energy into but not nearly as much as I'd like. Years ago I saw this retail store that I ran called Great Expectations. The items in the store were repurposed and painted chakra colors. Each item had words painted or sewn into them that had the vibrations set for just the right person. There were dresses with words sewn down the front or at the hemline or on the sleeves. A wooden garden bench was painted purple with green ivy leaves running down its legs and "Peace resides here." painted on the back. Every single item in the store was made intentionally for a specific vibrational resonance. People would walk in the store not even knowing they were looking for anything, and be drawn to a particular garment or household item. They'd sit on a couch, hold a pillow, wrap a scarf around their necks, or just lay their hands on a table scrolled with the word "love".

Almost a decade later I saw this vision again very, very clearly, but this time there were differences. One half of the store had a coffee shop with repurposed tables and chairs and some of the retail items. The other half of the store had tables for classes so people could learn how to do their own intentional creativity and a space for healing circles, poetry readings, acoustic guitar playing, tarot card readings, channelings, etc. Down a hallway were treatment rooms for healers -- sound therapy, energy work, shamanic journeys. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I've been working on making new pieces of fabric art with words in them and embedding in each piece the vibration of unconditional love. The times right now are shaky at best, and I'm experiencing a lot of people in the throes of turmoil because their worlds are falling apart, at least that's the way it seems to them. I'm making things that people can wear or see or hold onto that remind them that not only are they loved, but that they are love.

I can see how important a place like this is. I know my part in it. I just don't know who's a part of it with me or where the first one is going to be. So, I'm putting it out there, people. Those of you who want to join my tribe (or are already members of my tribe) and be a part of this new dream, let me know. A place in northern CA has been suggested to me, and I would love to make that happen. The people that I have grown close to out there have my heart. I know there will be a healing center there eventually, but I'm not sure it's to be the first one.

There's a saying that goes like this: "That which you are seeking, is seeking you." I think Rumi said that, but I'm not sure. In any case, I'm putting it out there that if you are seeking what I am, please let me know. I really am swimming in the unknown here, and I can feel things coming together. And I also feel that when they do come together they are going to do so in lightning speed.

Dreaming it real

Has this ever been my mantra lately. I've been on quite the fishing trip trying to figure out where I'm to go next and what to do. ACH! I'm driving myself looney, not to mention those I live with, because I'm wanting to get my next step done. I remember feeling this way every single time I felt the "moving" feeling come over me. I ended up staying at my house with the ex-husband six months after the divorce because the "next step" didn't occur until then. I remember almost losing my mind still being in the same house and the same town months after I signed papers saying that legally I didn't have to be there any longer. Every trip I made to the Roaring Fork Valley in Colorado to "seal" my new place and my new occupation fell through time and again. When "out of the blue" an opportunity showed up to move to Steamboat Springs instead. It was almost effortless. Doors flung open, and I walked through. Perfect timing because I met my shaman who I ended up working with the rest of the time I lived there. If I had moved to the Aspen area then, I would never had that experience, and it was my relationship with him that changed the rest of my journey. Thanks, Rob!

Then came the time to move from Steamboat. Again, the anxiety level showed itself. I had had enough shoveling snow and wanted a warmer climate. I was gifted a session with an intuitive who told me I would move back to Texas and be with my daughter. I told her never in a million years would I ever move back to Texas. She also told me that I would be meeting a man very, very soon. I left there thinking she was nuts. The next day I met the man, and three weeks after that I left for Texas to be with my daughter.

Energy levels shifted in me again almost two years later when I could hardly stand sitting still, somewhat how I'm feeling now. Pacing, looking out windows, scrubbing kitchen counters, cleaning floors... Back then I ended up in New Mexico on a whim. It happened that fast. I thought I was going to move back to Colorado. Now, looking back on that time I see what foolishness it would have been to move back to Colorado at that time. I needed my time in New Mexico -- my "forty days and forty nights" as I called it. I learned much about myself and was able to move on when the vision of moving to Oswego, NY showed up. Like the previous moves it was seamless. Everything fell into place easily, but it was not my timing, and that's what I need to remember right now. It has never been my timing. (Haven't I learned that yet?)

In the meantime I have "seen" what I want and where I want it. Here's the thing though, does it show up like that? I don't have references for that happening in the past. I've had visions of my life's journeys and they've never shown up like I imagined them. Is my ego a bigger player in all of this than I'd like it to be? My ability to relax into the unknown has been shaken a bit. The desire to do something has amped up, and yet I'm puzzled by what it is exactly that I can do to move me on my way. What if my way is really just right here in central New York reading, studying, being with friends and my daughter, and helping my friend get her house ready to put on the market? What if that is life for me right now? Selling dresses occasionally, taking walks, and drinking chai tea lattes? What if that's all there is right now? What if there is nothing more for me to do to move myself forward other than being happy with where I am right now? Sometimes thinking about what I really want and where I want it scares the living crap out of me, and I know that hasn't been so great for the moving-forward-in-life proposition. Oh fuck, sometimes I am my own worst enemy for not believing in myself and what I'm capable of, and that just pisses me off really. It's easy for me to believe in others, but not myself? Who sold me that bill of goods, and why do I choose to still hang on to it? Well that's just stupid.

Here's what I see for myself, and it really jazzes me when I allow myself to just swim in its fullness. I see a place where there is a small coffee shop area with repurposed tables made of windows for the table tops and mismatched chairs. That's in one side of the building. The other side is filled with other repurposed items that have been hand made from artists, painted in chakra colors to help people open up that part of themselves that have been closed off. On these chairs will be words that spark the opening process. The retail space will also have clothing with words on them that alter people's moods and poetry that enlightens them. There's a classroom space to teach people how to do all of this for themselves too. This room is also used for healing circles, poetry readings, and shamanic journeys. There will be treatment rooms for sound healing, energy work, readings, etc. This is my dream. This is what I think about all the time. And last night a friend told me where she felt the right place was. I got online today and looked at pictures of it. I think she was right on. The place was Basalt, Colorado. So anyone with connections or notions about any of this feel free to let me in on what you know because I would love to get this party started.

purple heart

Here's a little look at the latest wall hanging I put up on my new website, and here are some pictures to show closer looks at it.

 The background is made from a tie-dyed sheet, I think. To tell you the truth, I just don't remember anymore. I just know that I've been repurposing fabric items since my Steamboat days in 2006. So much has happened since this piece was made that I can't recall all the particulars about the contents, except to say that all fabrics and batting are 100% cotton. Even the embroidery floss is hand dyed and made of cotton. The beads in the upper left are made from tie-dyed t-shirt scraps, and the wall hanging is extensively hand quilted and hand embroidered. The hearts are hand appliqued. Sometimes there is nothing I like more than doing handwork. The machine sometimes can be too fast for my slow-paced moments. Enjoy the look-see while I get back to creating some more.

 





Cosmic Tumbling

I've been selling dresses like hotcakes, but have found this stash of wall hangings that I thought needed to be marketed also. I travel light, and on my next voyage I would love to trip the light fantastic with less baggage. This is available through my shop.

I love what I do. I love making fabric art of all kinds. I've made pillows, scarves, dresses, blouses, quilts, purses, bags, totes, wall hangings, and God only knows what else. I have a few pieces left that I want to share with the world, starting with this one. It was once in an exhibit called "At Last" as if I'd finally found my one and only. Even then as I was hanging the piece I wasn't feeling it.
He even told me that it was ironic that the name of the exhibit was about us finally discovering each other when our relationship was on the skids. Well, the show must go on, and a few months later I had moved out and moved on. The anger flare-ups were a bit too much for me, and not having control over my own money was something else I wasn't so keen on, but hey, I learned a lot. I learned a helluva lot, and I am very, very grateful.

This piece is beautiful, stitching exquisite, and still dear to my heart because of all the possibilities the two figures hold, the questions raised, the sentiments discovered. What is meant by coming together? Do we get caught up in the future and what it means as opposed to just enjoying the now? The cosmic tumbling together for however long it lasts and being open to where it may lead is a beautiful way to look at relationship and allow it to unfold without criticism.

Being still with the unknown. Being okay with whatever happens. This to me is the real secret to a much easier life. This is how I'm living it today. Now I'm flying off west whenever it occurs and to whomever that may be. Right now in the moment it's a beautiful life writing about fabric art that I made a few months ago and am now releasing to the ethers and just allowing whatever happens to happen. Happy trails!

letting the new book begin

Astounding revelation yesterday!

Several years ago I wrote a novel that became my life. The main character, Grace, was married to a man who she worked with, and she despised her work. That part of the novel was true for me at the time I was writing it, but the rest of the novel came into being as the years progressed. Grace left her husband, as did I. She became a fabric artist, as did I. She worked with another fabric artist, as did I. When I began working with my fabric artist partner I thought the novel had come to a conclusion as far as mirroring my own life, but that all changed last year. In the novel Grace and her partner go separate ways, and the end of the novel concludes with her befriending her husband again. Not that they get back together, but that they are able to care for one another as two beings who at one time were in love with each other.

It wasn't until yesterday that the rest of the novel came to my mind. I realized that my relationship with my fabric artist partner had come to an end which parallels my life and my character's. Then, more importantly I realized the very last piece of the storyline -- Grace became friends with her husband. Last September the same occurred to me. I became friends with my ex-husband. What an amazing gift that was. I can think of him with great love in my heart, and that has lifted such a burden from me. I see how beautifully everything was orchestrated, and I feel blessed beyond words. He, his wife, my daughter, and I created a new family dynamics that I thoroughly enjoy thinking about. Truly an amazing gift.

So, with that realization came something else so extraordinary. When I realized that everything in the novel had been played out in my real life, I now am beginning anew. Clean slate. Empty page. Blank canvas. I understood with such clarity what it is for me now to start over with no baggage, no burdens, nothing. It's all brand new now. I step forward into the unknown now to let the new book begin!