seeking

I just wrote a long paragraph that got erased. I thought I was being honest and pouring my heart out, but apparently the "powers that be" assume otherwise, because in the tech world my words just went "poof"! So, I'm going to try again, and this time I'm going to be transparent.

Here goes.

I am living a life like I never have before. I don't know what's five minutes ahead of me. I have certainly made plans, and all of them have fallen apart. I am learning that I need to stop trying to figure it out. I am getting messages from people I've never met in person, others that I haven't been in contact with in years, and others that I've recently communicated with long distance, and every single one of these people offer a piece of this crazy puzzle I've been trying to put together without having a picture to work from.

First of all the people that have come into my life. What can I say? I am totally blown away by their love and generosity.  This month in particular has been the biggest show of love I've ever experienced. These amazing beings are coming to me with such grace and sweetness. My needs are being met over and over in ways that I couldn't have possibly figured out if I'd tried.

I have this vision that has not only changed since the first time conceiving of it last month, but has also gotten clearer and clearer. At first I saw a healing center of great magnitude in the mountains near Aspen. I couldn't ever see it very clearly, and my feelings about it were distant. I just knew that was where I wanted to land. It has been home for me most of my life, and I thought that was where I needed to be finally. Is it still? I shake my head in wonder. I truly don't have any answers about that right now.

However, what I do hold as a very clear vision is something that came to me the other night. It was so vivid and so charged with emblazoned passion on my heart that I couldn't sleep. It was a remembrance of a vision I had seen back in 2004, and something I've put some energy into but not nearly as much as I'd like. Years ago I saw this retail store that I ran called Great Expectations. The items in the store were repurposed and painted chakra colors. Each item had words painted or sewn into them that had the vibrations set for just the right person. There were dresses with words sewn down the front or at the hemline or on the sleeves. A wooden garden bench was painted purple with green ivy leaves running down its legs and "Peace resides here." painted on the back. Every single item in the store was made intentionally for a specific vibrational resonance. People would walk in the store not even knowing they were looking for anything, and be drawn to a particular garment or household item. They'd sit on a couch, hold a pillow, wrap a scarf around their necks, or just lay their hands on a table scrolled with the word "love".

Almost a decade later I saw this vision again very, very clearly, but this time there were differences. One half of the store had a coffee shop with repurposed tables and chairs and some of the retail items. The other half of the store had tables for classes so people could learn how to do their own intentional creativity and a space for healing circles, poetry readings, acoustic guitar playing, tarot card readings, channelings, etc. Down a hallway were treatment rooms for healers -- sound therapy, energy work, shamanic journeys. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I've been working on making new pieces of fabric art with words in them and embedding in each piece the vibration of unconditional love. The times right now are shaky at best, and I'm experiencing a lot of people in the throes of turmoil because their worlds are falling apart, at least that's the way it seems to them. I'm making things that people can wear or see or hold onto that remind them that not only are they loved, but that they are love.

I can see how important a place like this is. I know my part in it. I just don't know who's a part of it with me or where the first one is going to be. So, I'm putting it out there, people. Those of you who want to join my tribe (or are already members of my tribe) and be a part of this new dream, let me know. A place in northern CA has been suggested to me, and I would love to make that happen. The people that I have grown close to out there have my heart. I know there will be a healing center there eventually, but I'm not sure it's to be the first one.

There's a saying that goes like this: "That which you are seeking, is seeking you." I think Rumi said that, but I'm not sure. In any case, I'm putting it out there that if you are seeking what I am, please let me know. I really am swimming in the unknown here, and I can feel things coming together. And I also feel that when they do come together they are going to do so in lightning speed.

Dreaming it real

Has this ever been my mantra lately. I've been on quite the fishing trip trying to figure out where I'm to go next and what to do. ACH! I'm driving myself looney, not to mention those I live with, because I'm wanting to get my next step done. I remember feeling this way every single time I felt the "moving" feeling come over me. I ended up staying at my house with the ex-husband six months after the divorce because the "next step" didn't occur until then. I remember almost losing my mind still being in the same house and the same town months after I signed papers saying that legally I didn't have to be there any longer. Every trip I made to the Roaring Fork Valley in Colorado to "seal" my new place and my new occupation fell through time and again. When "out of the blue" an opportunity showed up to move to Steamboat Springs instead. It was almost effortless. Doors flung open, and I walked through. Perfect timing because I met my shaman who I ended up working with the rest of the time I lived there. If I had moved to the Aspen area then, I would never had that experience, and it was my relationship with him that changed the rest of my journey. Thanks, Rob!

Then came the time to move from Steamboat. Again, the anxiety level showed itself. I had had enough shoveling snow and wanted a warmer climate. I was gifted a session with an intuitive who told me I would move back to Texas and be with my daughter. I told her never in a million years would I ever move back to Texas. She also told me that I would be meeting a man very, very soon. I left there thinking she was nuts. The next day I met the man, and three weeks after that I left for Texas to be with my daughter.

Energy levels shifted in me again almost two years later when I could hardly stand sitting still, somewhat how I'm feeling now. Pacing, looking out windows, scrubbing kitchen counters, cleaning floors... Back then I ended up in New Mexico on a whim. It happened that fast. I thought I was going to move back to Colorado. Now, looking back on that time I see what foolishness it would have been to move back to Colorado at that time. I needed my time in New Mexico -- my "forty days and forty nights" as I called it. I learned much about myself and was able to move on when the vision of moving to Oswego, NY showed up. Like the previous moves it was seamless. Everything fell into place easily, but it was not my timing, and that's what I need to remember right now. It has never been my timing. (Haven't I learned that yet?)

In the meantime I have "seen" what I want and where I want it. Here's the thing though, does it show up like that? I don't have references for that happening in the past. I've had visions of my life's journeys and they've never shown up like I imagined them. Is my ego a bigger player in all of this than I'd like it to be? My ability to relax into the unknown has been shaken a bit. The desire to do something has amped up, and yet I'm puzzled by what it is exactly that I can do to move me on my way. What if my way is really just right here in central New York reading, studying, being with friends and my daughter, and helping my friend get her house ready to put on the market? What if that is life for me right now? Selling dresses occasionally, taking walks, and drinking chai tea lattes? What if that's all there is right now? What if there is nothing more for me to do to move myself forward other than being happy with where I am right now? Sometimes thinking about what I really want and where I want it scares the living crap out of me, and I know that hasn't been so great for the moving-forward-in-life proposition. Oh fuck, sometimes I am my own worst enemy for not believing in myself and what I'm capable of, and that just pisses me off really. It's easy for me to believe in others, but not myself? Who sold me that bill of goods, and why do I choose to still hang on to it? Well that's just stupid.

Here's what I see for myself, and it really jazzes me when I allow myself to just swim in its fullness. I see a place where there is a small coffee shop area with repurposed tables made of windows for the table tops and mismatched chairs. That's in one side of the building. The other side is filled with other repurposed items that have been hand made from artists, painted in chakra colors to help people open up that part of themselves that have been closed off. On these chairs will be words that spark the opening process. The retail space will also have clothing with words on them that alter people's moods and poetry that enlightens them. There's a classroom space to teach people how to do all of this for themselves too. This room is also used for healing circles, poetry readings, and shamanic journeys. There will be treatment rooms for sound healing, energy work, readings, etc. This is my dream. This is what I think about all the time. And last night a friend told me where she felt the right place was. I got online today and looked at pictures of it. I think she was right on. The place was Basalt, Colorado. So anyone with connections or notions about any of this feel free to let me in on what you know because I would love to get this party started.

purple heart

Here's a little look at the latest wall hanging I put up on my new website, and here are some pictures to show closer looks at it.

 The background is made from a tie-dyed sheet, I think. To tell you the truth, I just don't remember anymore. I just know that I've been repurposing fabric items since my Steamboat days in 2006. So much has happened since this piece was made that I can't recall all the particulars about the contents, except to say that all fabrics and batting are 100% cotton. Even the embroidery floss is hand dyed and made of cotton. The beads in the upper left are made from tie-dyed t-shirt scraps, and the wall hanging is extensively hand quilted and hand embroidered. The hearts are hand appliqued. Sometimes there is nothing I like more than doing handwork. The machine sometimes can be too fast for my slow-paced moments. Enjoy the look-see while I get back to creating some more.

 





Cosmic Tumbling

I've been selling dresses like hotcakes, but have found this stash of wall hangings that I thought needed to be marketed also. I travel light, and on my next voyage I would love to trip the light fantastic with less baggage. This is available through my shop.

I love what I do. I love making fabric art of all kinds. I've made pillows, scarves, dresses, blouses, quilts, purses, bags, totes, wall hangings, and God only knows what else. I have a few pieces left that I want to share with the world, starting with this one. It was once in an exhibit called "At Last" as if I'd finally found my one and only. Even then as I was hanging the piece I wasn't feeling it.
He even told me that it was ironic that the name of the exhibit was about us finally discovering each other when our relationship was on the skids. Well, the show must go on, and a few months later I had moved out and moved on. The anger flare-ups were a bit too much for me, and not having control over my own money was something else I wasn't so keen on, but hey, I learned a lot. I learned a helluva lot, and I am very, very grateful.

This piece is beautiful, stitching exquisite, and still dear to my heart because of all the possibilities the two figures hold, the questions raised, the sentiments discovered. What is meant by coming together? Do we get caught up in the future and what it means as opposed to just enjoying the now? The cosmic tumbling together for however long it lasts and being open to where it may lead is a beautiful way to look at relationship and allow it to unfold without criticism.

Being still with the unknown. Being okay with whatever happens. This to me is the real secret to a much easier life. This is how I'm living it today. Now I'm flying off west whenever it occurs and to whomever that may be. Right now in the moment it's a beautiful life writing about fabric art that I made a few months ago and am now releasing to the ethers and just allowing whatever happens to happen. Happy trails!

letting the new book begin

Astounding revelation yesterday!

Several years ago I wrote a novel that became my life. The main character, Grace, was married to a man who she worked with, and she despised her work. That part of the novel was true for me at the time I was writing it, but the rest of the novel came into being as the years progressed. Grace left her husband, as did I. She became a fabric artist, as did I. She worked with another fabric artist, as did I. When I began working with my fabric artist partner I thought the novel had come to a conclusion as far as mirroring my own life, but that all changed last year. In the novel Grace and her partner go separate ways, and the end of the novel concludes with her befriending her husband again. Not that they get back together, but that they are able to care for one another as two beings who at one time were in love with each other.

It wasn't until yesterday that the rest of the novel came to my mind. I realized that my relationship with my fabric artist partner had come to an end which parallels my life and my character's. Then, more importantly I realized the very last piece of the storyline -- Grace became friends with her husband. Last September the same occurred to me. I became friends with my ex-husband. What an amazing gift that was. I can think of him with great love in my heart, and that has lifted such a burden from me. I see how beautifully everything was orchestrated, and I feel blessed beyond words. He, his wife, my daughter, and I created a new family dynamics that I thoroughly enjoy thinking about. Truly an amazing gift.

So, with that realization came something else so extraordinary. When I realized that everything in the novel had been played out in my real life, I now am beginning anew. Clean slate. Empty page. Blank canvas. I understood with such clarity what it is for me now to start over with no baggage, no burdens, nothing. It's all brand new now. I step forward into the unknown now to let the new book begin!

starting close in

I had been feeling  a little wobbly lately. Due to the full moon and everything else going on in space? Hm, could be. I'll go with that one. Today, however, became the magical solution to yesterday's funk. Starting with a dear friend posting on Facebook a link to a poet reading one of his poems. It turned out to be an answer to a prayer.

Here it is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=030YqrN4SFc&list=PL39E0E6197BED7FBE

Start close in. I don't have to figure out the third step, not even the second one. Just start close in. Whew... why I was thinking it was necessary to know so much more than I did is beyond me. I thought I was okay living in the unknown, but for some reason yesterday there was a bit of wobbliness that got purged today.

What's so cool about the link to that David Whyte poem is that it's on page 360 in a book I just received from a friend in California. One of my favorites now. I've read it several times today, and I've watched the video a few times. Beautiful to remember that I don't need to know anything more than to start close in.

Another astounding incident that occurred was that upon awakening this morning I remembered a phone number that I hadn't called in years. As a matter of fact, that phone number has been coming to mind for the past few days, but I've been blowing it off. This morning I called it, and it still belonged to the friend who made such a significant change in my life almost ten years ago. He opened me up to wanting more, and that lead to learning to fly planes, getting a divorce, selling a house, and moving to the mountains.

My first time to Aspen was in 1975 and I stayed with this friend at his mom's house. It was my first time in Aspen, and the experience encouraged me to want to move there. Fast forward to 2004 when he re-introduced me to Aspen, and my desire to move there was even greater. I had first heard of the town because of John Denver. I was a huge fan of his music, owning every album, purchasing each one the day they were released. I'd seen him in concert several times, including Red Rocks on a few occasions. Well, when I finally moved to the mountains it wasn't to Aspen, even though I tried! Instead I ended up in Steamboat Springs working for one of John's dear friends. Now, I'm making my way back to Aspen. I feel the pull very strongly. I feel alignment with it, with its magic, and I'm open to how it shows up and when it shows up because I'm starting close in.

Relaxing into it

I'm focused on letting go of the control panel. Ha! As if I ever had it in the first place. Divine timing has a different schedule, and I'm breathing into the acceptance of it. I also know that all is not in place yet. I know that. I know it. Ah... Just breathing. I can feel the impatience subside, no, depart.

I want to get the show on the road, but the show's not ready for me to be on the road yet, as I too have a lot to accomplish before exiting stage right. I feel those things that need to be released still -- and again. I've been meditating, listening to "experts", and sliding into a place that resonates more with me. Now, more than ever though I need to just enjoy the now moments. I'm in a lovely home with two of the most fabulous women, and I am absolutely thrilled. I also get to take care of the most loveable male energy that people see as a dog. I see him as a very wise, strong, loving being that I get to hang out with, and after three years of no animals to live with, I am in heaven.

Tonight will be another ceremony. Things have shifted tremendously and the time here is coming to a close, so I want to immerse myself into the divine realm of magic. So, that being said, I'm relaxing into it. I'm releasing what no longer serves me, and I'm allowing the tremendous goodness in that sends me off to the next thing, whenever that is.