on a mission

‎"Once you have a mission, you can't go back to a job." -- Shai Agassi

This was on my Facebook page when I got home yesterday from the hospital, my new place of employment. Maybe. I thought I was going to be working but instead ended up just dealing with more paperwork, and now having to wait until mid-December to work after the HR orientation is scheduled.

I had the expectation of working yesterday, and when it didn't happen I was really pissed, disappointed, frustrated, and a whole lot of other adjectives. So, when I turned on my computer and saw that quote, the feelings stopped.

I thought I was just going to serve coffee for hours a day and then go to a friend's studio afterwards and create art. She was concerned that I wouldn't have the energy or the creativity after being in the hospital all day. All I could think about was the money.

That's been a constant theme in my life -- thinking about the money, whether it was where to invest it, use it to pay bills, collect it from insurance companies, and lately how to make it. I was once told that sex, God, and money were all the same energy. And, once I learned to attract one, use that same ability to attract the other two.

What this person meant by sex was a partner, but people listened more closely when he said sex. I feel I've had a very close relationship with the energy I call Source, my form of God. I live it and breathe it. I've learned that it's the one constant I have in my life, my only security, and my only reason for getting up in the morning. Without such a strong connection to Who I really am (Source) then there'd be no true substance in my life. Everything is temporary. Everything. I've had really fat bank accounts, and now I don't. Money is fluid energy. It flows. I either have an open allowance of it flowing in or I don't. Just because my first day on the job is postponed doesn't mean that I don't have money flowing in. It's that I got so damned stuck on how the money was going to come in that I was disappointed when it didn't show up that way. I had it all planned out how the money from that job was going to pay my bills so that I could do art the rest of my vertical hours in the day. So, what was I saying about my allowing money to come into my life doing what I love to do instead of serving coffee at the wee hours in the morning? Do I really want to serve coffee? No, but I'd be good at it. Well, I was good at collecting money from insurance companies, but by doing that for years I was cutting myself off from my creative juices. I was drowning in all that I didn't want to do.

And, I know that's how it would be doing anything else but what I long to do. I chose to live a heart-driven life, not a robotic have-to existence. I've already written about how my ass gets kicked when I do something that goes against what my heart's desires really are. I was able to ignore it for most of my life, but I haven't been able to do that here. It becomes physically painful to not do what feels good to me. And, it seems the Universe rearranges Itself to knock me back to where my heart leads -- over and over and over. You'd think I'd learn that by now. You'd think that I would have mastered that concept by this stage of my life. Well, people, in case you didn't know, it took me thirty-two years to get out of a dying relationship, so it feels like my learning curve is definitely getting shorter.

So, in my life the man, Source, and money are all the same energy, so what holds them at bay? My thinking, my programming -- what I call my mental masturbation. It's when I take a vacation from my constant chattering and am doing what I love, oh my, that's when the real magic begins. I can go to a place where nothing else exists. Hours may pass, and I don't even know it. When I look at whatever it is I've created, I know that it wasn't just me involved. I tapped into that higher Source and just let 'er rip. There were no judgments, shoulds, or any of that crap. In a world of all possibilities, I can look at anything in front of me, and see it as a tool for new creations. In that space anything is possible, and it's in that space that I connect with my Source energy and create whether it's art, relationships, money, or anything else. It's in that connection of Who I Really Am that the energetic flow, the one constant in my life, swims freely, and the mental masturbation ceases. Thoughts hum rather than distract. That place right there is where the magic is. That's where anything can come into existence because I allow it. I don't chase it. I go into a meditative mode and allow. My meditation is usually in front of a sewing machine, or while painting fabric, but it's a place of quiet where my imagination soars.

I look at the things I've made. I hear what people have to say about them, and I've been selling my art and doing commissioned work since the late 80s. My artwork hangs in Capital buildings around the world. I've made pieces for recording artists, film makers, women who have fled war-torn countries, CEOs, and the list goes on. And I get bent out of shape because I don't get to make coffee for doctors and nurses today? Really? I think I can only pay my bills when the money comes from an employer? What the fuck is that all about? Just who do I think I am?

One of the most amazing things happened yesterday too that has to do with this energetic flow and what I'm allowing into my life. I blogged about someone yesterday, not knowing how he'd feel about what I'd said, or that I'd put it out in cyberspace. I feel very strongly about him, and I can't not write about that. Sure enough, I got a FB chat yesterday with these words after he'd read my blog -- "we must talk." Gulp. I immediately remembered the long walk down the hallway to the Principal's office. Shit! It was never good news in that room.

He called me last night, and it was the simplest, most honest, and easiest conversation I've ever had. What I discovered, and keep discovering about him, is that he's not reminiscent of anything or anyone I've ever had in my life before. Talking to him is like soaking in the very best parts of me that I didn't even know existed.

He also makes my imagination run rampant. I can't stop thinking about what he does with fabric, and it has kept me up for the last two nights just running  a ticker tape of ideas through my brain of everything I'd like to try with his remnants. I was emailing him long after I needed to be asleep because I had to tell someone about the parade marching through my head, someone who would care about it as much as me, someone who would get just as excited as I was, and I knew no one else in my life but him that qualifies for that position. For the few hours we spent together last July when he came out to see me and my artwork, it was such a high for me to share my creativity with someone who truly appreciated it, someone who spoke my language. And now I know that he can read my posts, see inside my head, and still not want to run.

And while I've been typing this, I've thought of several other ways to incorporate my artwork into streams of income. I write about this man, feeling him, and remembering his words to me, and a whole new world opens up for me. It's the same as when I'm tapped into my Source energy, the exact same feeling. Hm, money, the man, and Source all the same energy. So, that's how it works...