access to scissors

What I started with was a tie-dyed t-shirt. Not just any tie-dyed t-shirt, but a Dan Leo. In the fabric art world that is worth some very big coin, and I got to cut it up. Yes, I'm sure there are minds around the world reading these very words and their realities have stopped existing for just a moment until they come to.

You see, once upon  a time I went to high school in Dallas, and there I heard of a teenager named Dan Leo. I've decided after listening to NPR today while knitting that I'm going to change my history, but I'm not sure where to start. I just know that Dan and I have raised a whole lot of eyebrows because I jumped on a train with a one-way ticket to travel across the country to live with him after only seeing each other for somewhere around three hours this summer. Yep, we did go to high school together, but neither one of us really has a great recollection of even talking to each other, and so here we are living and working together. Go figure...

Okay, so back to the ball of -- no, I think I left off at the t-shirt.

Once upon a time in a house in NY there lived a man minding his own business when along came a Facebook friend request from someone he had gone to high school with. He accepted the request. Ooooh dear, what little he knew of the consequences of that action.

Just a few months later he decided to drop in to see this Facebook friend that he had gone to high school with while she was living in the Dallas area. That visit lasted less than three hours. However, just a few months later this friend boarded Amtrak heading for NY where she now lives with this man, his dyes, his boxes, his boys, and his fabrics. Oh sweet baby jesus!!

So, with one of his tie-dyed t-shirts (yes, I am getting back to the original point of this blog post) I (the Facebook friend) cut it into strips and knitted it into a scarf as you can see in the above picture. And, for your viewing enjoyment here are some other pictures that highlight the communion of talents in this household.

Here's the latest one I've been working on, gleaned from a UT tie-dyed shirt. Just a little something to do on a Sunday morning in the House of Leo while all the menfolk are asleep. Well, not exactly... I actually knitted this after Dan did a morning of dyeing.

Dan's pile of tie-dyed wonders. This is something he did in just a very few minutes. On the other hand, the pile I did yesterday took me all day. Hm, he's done it a day or two longer than me...

And here they are after being dyed. And after the next process they go through who knows what could possibly happen to them if I have access to scissors.
stay tuned...

at least 1000 words

After a long day at the store and at the gallery, I arrived home somewhere around nine tonight. I haven't been sleeping much, and I was dragging my ass through the house to get to my bedroom. I haven't been sleeping much lately because my brain is spewing all night long with ideas of what I can do with tie-dyed and/or batik fabric. Not just any tie-dyed and/or batik fabric, but Dan Leo's fabrics. I've been writing about him for a while without giving up his identity, but tonight when I got home, I got an email from him with these pictures and a short little note. He hopes these pictures are worth at least 1000 words.

Well, mister, you got it, and now that you sent me the pictures I'm blowing your cover!! Personally, I'd write across the sky if I could how I really feel about you, but there's not enough sky. So, I'll do what I can here.

First of all, I loved coming home tonight and finding your new pictures not only in my email but also the ones of your work on Facebook. I want everything you've ever made. I would love to be in a room in your house with all your fabrics and shirts and my sewing machine and boxes of threads and beads and batting. Your designs are so amazing, and I would love to get my hands on them. You ain't seen nothin' yet...

I think you're a genius. You're amazingly talented and you up my game. You stretch my imagination. You expand my reach. I look at this design, and I'm awed at your creativity. I have an inkling of an idea of how long it took you to do this and what the process was. I am in awe. I could look at this for hours, and if it were in my hands right now, I would spin my own magic on it. I look at this, and I radiate love for you. Oh my god, Dan, this needs to be in my box that you mailed me. I feel like Christmas will arrive when I get to open what you sent me. This is a dream come true to be able to work with a man like you. Your work is stunning, and I get to play with it. How did I get to be in my shoes?

Something really cool happened today. When it occurred, I knew I wasn't in Kansas anymore. This really is Taos. I know you said that I had to stay in Taos, but I'm telling you I ache to work with you. I know it would be the highest high to stand next to you while we're playing with dyes and fabric. I have no doubt about that at all. Baby, we could rock the world with what we can do together. The world has never seen what we can do, but I've seen it plenty of times in my head. It keeps me awake at night. I sleep with my laptop now because I wake up with all these ideas and can't go back to sleep until they all get written.

Today while I was working in the store a woman from San Fransisco walked up to me and told me that if I would write every morning nonsensical words and read them backwards and forwards I would get the message about why I am here. (Now remember, I'm in Taos.)

She told me that at least by February it'll all be clear to me. It could happen sooner if I'd get busy writing like she told me to do every single day. I told her that I was collaborating with someone in New York with my artwork. I said that I thought I was going to be doing energy work in Santa Fe, but instead ended up in Taos doing art again. She just nodded and said, "Yes, that's right." She told me it was important for me to do that writing every single morning. I told her that I would, and she walked out of the store. As she walked down the hallway, she abruptly turned around and stood in the doorway. She said to me, "You're not staying in Taos, but you know that already." I told her that indeed I did know that. She said, "Look beyond the city lights." She smiled at me, and then said, "And you know what that means." I told her that I did, and then she left.

Then a man named Dave came in looking for information on one of the offices upstairs. We got to talking, and I eventually told him about Ms. San Fransisco and what she told me. He asked me if I felt in my heart that her words rang true for me. I said they did, and he said, "Then I'm going to leave you with this gift today." He reached across the counter and held my hand in both of his, and said, "When you hear something, look within. If it resonates with what your heart is telling you, then it is true for you." I told him that it was true for me, and he told me that what Ms. San Fransisco did for me was provide confirmation for all I had been feeling.

Well now, welcome to my world in Taos. Just another day at the office...

So, would you still kick my sweet butt back to Taos if I showed up in New York, in the town beyond the city lights? I feel that you and I are walking a path that neither one of us ever anticipated. Even though it's a dream come true, it still makes me shake a  bit in my boots. I am bewildered. Really, Dan, I'm blown away by what's happening between us. And I am so grateful, so very, very grateful.

The thing is that I don't see any obstacles. There's this sense of knowing how right this is, and that it will all work out beautifully for everyone involved. This relationship is built upon deep unconditional love for each other. This is a brand new experience for me, especially when it comes to loving a man. It doesn't matter to me that you have 8,000 sons, or that you live a world away. The magic unfolds for us to be together. I am more sure about that than anything I've ever felt before. You and I are one. There's no definitive line where you end and I begin. I know that will become more apparent when we create together. We were born to be artists together. Oh my god, I'm weak in the knees just thinking about it. Dan, if I could just be in the same room with you while you do what you do to make what you make. If I could just watch you... If I could just be with you... Damn, I wish I had the right words to finish those statements, but what I do have are feelings, intense, amazing feelings for you and what you are able to do. I am humbled that you want me with you. I am privileged that you want to work with me, and I am so very grateful that you love me.

This is my Dan. This is the person responsible for the huge smile on my face and my heart opening even wider. By the way, even though I'm looking at your face, I can't help but look at that fish behind you and wish I had it and my sewing machine together right now. God, I've never had the passion for a man and his work like I do with you. My heart could explode right now just looking at you (and the fish...). My heart doesn't lie, and it tells me it's you that I want in my life right now and right now and right now.

I'm going to have to come up with my own language for how I feel about you because there's nothing in English that comes close to what you mean to me.

When I opened this file and saw you looking at me like this, it took my breath away. I don't know if there are at least 1000 words or not in this post, but there are no words, no adequate words, no words that even come close to the way I feel about you. No word has been invented because how I feel about you has never been experienced before. What we have together is beyond words, is beyond what most people know. It certainly was something I knew nothing about until now. You are my love. You excite me beyond measure. Just looking into your eyes, just hearing your voice, or listening to your laughter changes every cell in my body. I am the best I've ever been because not only do I cherish what we have, but I know you do too.
Wherever you are, I am also. You are the air that I breathe and the ground on which I walk. And yet I know... Baby, I know with everything I am that I ain't waiting til March. Just sayin'...

on a mission

‎"Once you have a mission, you can't go back to a job." -- Shai Agassi

This was on my Facebook page when I got home yesterday from the hospital, my new place of employment. Maybe. I thought I was going to be working but instead ended up just dealing with more paperwork, and now having to wait until mid-December to work after the HR orientation is scheduled.

I had the expectation of working yesterday, and when it didn't happen I was really pissed, disappointed, frustrated, and a whole lot of other adjectives. So, when I turned on my computer and saw that quote, the feelings stopped.

I thought I was just going to serve coffee for hours a day and then go to a friend's studio afterwards and create art. She was concerned that I wouldn't have the energy or the creativity after being in the hospital all day. All I could think about was the money.

That's been a constant theme in my life -- thinking about the money, whether it was where to invest it, use it to pay bills, collect it from insurance companies, and lately how to make it. I was once told that sex, God, and money were all the same energy. And, once I learned to attract one, use that same ability to attract the other two.

What this person meant by sex was a partner, but people listened more closely when he said sex. I feel I've had a very close relationship with the energy I call Source, my form of God. I live it and breathe it. I've learned that it's the one constant I have in my life, my only security, and my only reason for getting up in the morning. Without such a strong connection to Who I really am (Source) then there'd be no true substance in my life. Everything is temporary. Everything. I've had really fat bank accounts, and now I don't. Money is fluid energy. It flows. I either have an open allowance of it flowing in or I don't. Just because my first day on the job is postponed doesn't mean that I don't have money flowing in. It's that I got so damned stuck on how the money was going to come in that I was disappointed when it didn't show up that way. I had it all planned out how the money from that job was going to pay my bills so that I could do art the rest of my vertical hours in the day. So, what was I saying about my allowing money to come into my life doing what I love to do instead of serving coffee at the wee hours in the morning? Do I really want to serve coffee? No, but I'd be good at it. Well, I was good at collecting money from insurance companies, but by doing that for years I was cutting myself off from my creative juices. I was drowning in all that I didn't want to do.

And, I know that's how it would be doing anything else but what I long to do. I chose to live a heart-driven life, not a robotic have-to existence. I've already written about how my ass gets kicked when I do something that goes against what my heart's desires really are. I was able to ignore it for most of my life, but I haven't been able to do that here. It becomes physically painful to not do what feels good to me. And, it seems the Universe rearranges Itself to knock me back to where my heart leads -- over and over and over. You'd think I'd learn that by now. You'd think that I would have mastered that concept by this stage of my life. Well, people, in case you didn't know, it took me thirty-two years to get out of a dying relationship, so it feels like my learning curve is definitely getting shorter.

So, in my life the man, Source, and money are all the same energy, so what holds them at bay? My thinking, my programming -- what I call my mental masturbation. It's when I take a vacation from my constant chattering and am doing what I love, oh my, that's when the real magic begins. I can go to a place where nothing else exists. Hours may pass, and I don't even know it. When I look at whatever it is I've created, I know that it wasn't just me involved. I tapped into that higher Source and just let 'er rip. There were no judgments, shoulds, or any of that crap. In a world of all possibilities, I can look at anything in front of me, and see it as a tool for new creations. In that space anything is possible, and it's in that space that I connect with my Source energy and create whether it's art, relationships, money, or anything else. It's in that connection of Who I Really Am that the energetic flow, the one constant in my life, swims freely, and the mental masturbation ceases. Thoughts hum rather than distract. That place right there is where the magic is. That's where anything can come into existence because I allow it. I don't chase it. I go into a meditative mode and allow. My meditation is usually in front of a sewing machine, or while painting fabric, but it's a place of quiet where my imagination soars.

I look at the things I've made. I hear what people have to say about them, and I've been selling my art and doing commissioned work since the late 80s. My artwork hangs in Capital buildings around the world. I've made pieces for recording artists, film makers, women who have fled war-torn countries, CEOs, and the list goes on. And I get bent out of shape because I don't get to make coffee for doctors and nurses today? Really? I think I can only pay my bills when the money comes from an employer? What the fuck is that all about? Just who do I think I am?

One of the most amazing things happened yesterday too that has to do with this energetic flow and what I'm allowing into my life. I blogged about someone yesterday, not knowing how he'd feel about what I'd said, or that I'd put it out in cyberspace. I feel very strongly about him, and I can't not write about that. Sure enough, I got a FB chat yesterday with these words after he'd read my blog -- "we must talk." Gulp. I immediately remembered the long walk down the hallway to the Principal's office. Shit! It was never good news in that room.

He called me last night, and it was the simplest, most honest, and easiest conversation I've ever had. What I discovered, and keep discovering about him, is that he's not reminiscent of anything or anyone I've ever had in my life before. Talking to him is like soaking in the very best parts of me that I didn't even know existed.

He also makes my imagination run rampant. I can't stop thinking about what he does with fabric, and it has kept me up for the last two nights just running  a ticker tape of ideas through my brain of everything I'd like to try with his remnants. I was emailing him long after I needed to be asleep because I had to tell someone about the parade marching through my head, someone who would care about it as much as me, someone who would get just as excited as I was, and I knew no one else in my life but him that qualifies for that position. For the few hours we spent together last July when he came out to see me and my artwork, it was such a high for me to share my creativity with someone who truly appreciated it, someone who spoke my language. And now I know that he can read my posts, see inside my head, and still not want to run.

And while I've been typing this, I've thought of several other ways to incorporate my artwork into streams of income. I write about this man, feeling him, and remembering his words to me, and a whole new world opens up for me. It's the same as when I'm tapped into my Source energy, the exact same feeling. Hm, money, the man, and Source all the same energy. So, that's how it works...

baby steps

When I got up this morning, the sun shone through the windows, the coffee was already brewed and waiting for me. I felt brand new, whole, complete, and ready to flow through the day. I sat down with my coffee and laptop, turning to Facebook, and there was a picture my daughter posted of her pets. And then I cried like a baby.

I am who I am. I am a sucker for those two animals. I remember what it was like to wake up with dog tail slapped across my face or a kitty paw on my nose. The dog, Moo, has been with me through some pretty tough times. He was with me when I left a 32-year relationship. It was his barking behind the front door of the house that made me cry as I drove down the driveway away from him. My heart breaks open right now just remembering his scratching on the window as I got into my car. He begged to go with me. I had to hold him back as I shut the front door to the house. It was a long drive to Steamboat, and I cried the whole way.

I am an opened book. I have no poker face. And, I love so easily. I fall in love over and over and over. Those two little faces make my arms yearn to hold them. Heck, I'd even take an unexpected pounce in my lap right now. But, I chose to leave again. After spending almost two years with my daughter, I chose to move to New Mexico. I make decisions very quickly and without any hesitation or plans. I just do it, so in September I picked up and moved with Tammy, and if it weren't for the drama of an ex, I probably would've been crying across the state line that time too.

The way I choose to live my life has not been easy. It hasn't been easy for my family or for me, but it's what I know I have to do. I have no explanations. I just know that it's right for me to be where I am right now as much as I miss my daughter, her pets, and McKinney, I am meant to be here.

Not for one moment do I disregard what my time on the square in McKinney was like for me. I cherish my memories and the friends I made there. I think of them often, and I know that where I am now is perfect.

And where am I? Well, every moment that's a new experience... My former lives seemed to provide stability for me. Marriage had this cloak of permanence and belonging that masked the smothering I felt. I could sleep through my days in the sense that I was not awakened to what it was I really wanted. I was in survival mode, and since being single, I've been learning how to walk.

I'm brand new. I lived all my life until 9/11/06 according to what others wanted. I chose that. I chose to spend my time pleasing others and ignoring me. I did that all by myself. And now, after four years on my own, I'm taking baby steps to discover how to walk unattended. And sometimes that includes tears. Oh well... so fucking what... I am who I am, for better or worse. Here I am, like me or not. I am right here, right now, taking teeny steps forward because tears are blurring my vision.

our house

Power of Decisions is a video I was sent on Facebook that illustrates what it is I'm talking about in this post. Kidest is the speaker, and a woman so wise beyond her years. I highly recommend you taking a look at her blogs and listening to this video. I found it very powerful, and it's exactly what Tammy and I did yesterday. Read the rest of the post and see what happened and is still happening...

Yesterday Tammy and I had the intention of going to Taos to look at a house we had our eye on. I found the listing and the pictures on the internet and we both fell in love with what we saw. I just knew that was our house. I pictured us there, doing dishes in that sink, making salads on that counter, and enjoying our friends at that dining room table.

When it came time to set a time and get directions to the place, the owner let me know that she’d already rented it. When I put down the phone, my first and only thought was: no, she didn’t. In the meantime, I set another appointment for us to see another house.

Driving to Taos I just basked in the knowledge that all was working out perfectly, no matter what it looked like. No matter what. No second guessing. No trying to figure anything out. Just relax into the moment. I was sitting in that car, riding through the mountains just higher than a kite because I was feeling the love, baby.

When we finally arrived at Linda’s little place out in the country, I hated it. I looked around, and I said no way, no way. Not for me, missy.

Next stop, the plaza. Tammy parked in a parking lot that we really weren’t planning on going into, and the first shop we walked to was a business where Tammy had met the owner years ago, and the owner wanted to work with her. Turned out the owner was still interested. While Tammy was talking with her, I wandered down the pedestrian walkway a bit until I came across a fabric shop. As I was walking up the steps, my phone rang. It was the woman who owned the original house we wanted. She asked if we’d still be interested in seeing the place, because the renters backed out. After making business arrangements with two other shop owners, we did go see the house. Now, understand I did not have appointments with these people, had never met them before, but they were positioned in my path so prominantly that I would have had to trip over them if I hadn't stopped and talked with them. Boom! Two business deals in the works. Just like that.

And now back to the house -- it comes with a dog, two bedrooms, and two baths. We’d already seen ourselves in that house. We'd already seen our family and friends eating at the table with us, and enjoying the sunsets over the mountains. The patio had furniture and a grill, just what a raw food eater like Tammy could get excited about. However, the men in our lives and I would love a slab of meat cooked over that flame.

After seeing our house, we connected with my lovely friend up there at a coffee shop and were having great fun with him, when another man comes in, sits with us, and the night just flew by.

On the drive home last night, Tammy and I were talking about how easy all those connections were made. When we stepped away from how to make anything happen and just let it evolve, the most beautiful people and situations turned up. We could not have figured out a better solution if we’d put years of thought into it.

We settled in for the night thinking that the surprises were over… Oh, you’d think we’d stop thinking, because then Tammy’s phone rang. It wasn’t until this morning when I got up and talked with her that I found out just how magical that call turned out to be. That’s her story, and I’m not going to tell it, but I just want you to know that when the thoughts disappear, when you allow the feelings of joy to fill you… oh my…

Don’t buy into what you see with your eyes or what you hear with your ears as much as how those things make you feel. If you let your heart lead you in that way, ah… Life is just magical.

I don’t know how we’re going to get the house or when or any other factors. I know that it felt good in that house. I know the dog wants us there. I know the owner wants us there, and there’s nothing else I need to know for the moment. I focus on living there, enjoying being in it, waking up in my bedroom, showering in my bathroom, having my friend sleep over, and fix him coffee in the morning. I see all of that so clearly because I feel how joyful it is for me to be in that home. I feel it. I feel it more than anything else right now. And that’s all that matters. At least for right now.

what if?

"Your Source Energy is always giving you exactly what you need in the particular now moment you happen to be in. However, so often you don't receive it because you are somewhere else. When you are not present in the now moment it is akin to not being home. When Source knocks on your door, you do not hear it. For any problem you have, Source already has the solution. But, you must be home to receive it." Thank you, Kristopher Raphael

This struck me so clearly this morning (as most of Kristopher's statements do) because I recognized in me this need to be able to "see into the future" and determine where my steps would lead. I'm saying this because of something interesting that happened yesterday. First of all, I've attracted someone into my life that just doesn't play the games I'm used to playing with men. There are no games with him. There is this adherence to being in the present moment and being there so completely that there is nothing else. In his words, "being with all that is." He shows up as he is in every moment. There's no guessing what's going on, or what he "really" means when he says something because with him what he speaks are the words he means at that very moment. Period. The way he treats me is the way he means to at that very moment. And, when we're not together there are no moments of angst about what each other's thinking or anything else because he is in that moment that he's in. He is that present, and he's teaching me about the peace that is.

Being in that present moment allows such clarity of what's going on around us. Sitting on the bed last night talking with him about something that occurred yesterday that before would've sent me over the edge, instead gave me lovely moments to share with a very present and purposeful man. He's teaching me that peace is the energy of allowing. Being peace is Source energy, where we come from, what we're here to live in, wrap ourselves in, and just be. When I'm in that place of peacefulness, I see more clearly because I'm not caught up in the emotions of the people around me, and there are no emotions that erupt within. I am calm. I am needing nothing. I am purely present.

I remember reading the Power of Now back in McKinney, Texas, and before that when I was married. I really had no experience of feeling that complete and utter present. That still moment. That just being. And now I do. It's in the experiencing of it that I've learned what it feels like, and the feeling of it has altered how I look at my world. I can hear the words of naysayers, and instead of getting emotionally defensive, I look at what in them is triggering the charge within me. What in me needs to be healed? They are just these magnificent beings here to help me move to my next transformation. How lovely is that? And this time the words come from someone I have held so closely to my heart all of her life. My daughter. I adore this young woman. She is one of the most amazing beings I have ever had experiences with, and I am that privileged to call myself her mother. She is my greatest gift even now when her words are harsh and angry. She's teaching me to open my heart even more, to love unconditionally no matter what is being said. She's showing me how to be loving and compassionate and all-embracing no matter what, and because of that I have attracted into my life a very conscious, intentional man who is the epitome of being what is.

What if we were truly able to see others as reflections of ourselves instead of enemies? What in them is charging us? What if we were to look at the circumstances around us in that way? Could there be peace? What if we were more concerned about being peace instead of trying to create it in others? What if we were more determined to be the people we are here to be rather than trying to get others to adjust to what it is we want? What if we made unconditional love our top priority instead of the almighty dollar?

What if indeed...

wealth

wealth:


1a.An abundance of valuable material possessions or resources; riches.
1b. The state of being rich; affluence.
2. All goods and resources having value in terms of exchange or use.
3. A great amount; a profusion: a wealth of advice.

Tammy and I have had some interesting times with what looks real and what is real. It's been fascinating to see what illusions, what lessons, keep showing up for us.

Our mornings are the best way I've ever spent my mornings. With hot coffee in hands we discuss whatever is on our minds. This morning Tammy talked about the time she saw Conversations With God, and Neale Donald Walsh was relishing with such gratitude the amazing half burger he found in a dumpster. His family and friends talked about his uselessness, his homelessness, everything less than, and here he was in an utter state of bliss and gratitude for this half burger. Who was really in a state of less than? Certainly not Neale. Who really was the wealthy one? The ones in homes with food on the table but focused on what was wrong with someone else?

I read a status on Facebook yesterday by a man whose profile picture showed him in a suit. He posted a link with a comment about how much better he felt about his situation because the link was about a homelesss man who had less than he did. Hm, I wonder, how does he know? Are we really that shallow of a society STILL to think that having more material things makes us more than, greater than someone else? I bet the homeless man doesn't lose sleep over a bad business deal, or how to pay expenses, or back taxes, or an audit, or a messy divorce, or... You name it. Those of us who have had those moments (for me it was years), and now don't have any of it, would be safe in saying that life is more in simplicity. You can still have mansions, yachts, vacations, etc. but what goes on between your ears about them? Are you attached? Do they express your self-worth?

If you are holding onto things, if your things determine how you feel about yourself or how you look to others, then you are emotionally bankrupt. I know, I was. I didn't know what freedom really was until giving it all away. Letting go of everything gave me the freedom I never knew existed.

I saw two "homeless" men under an overpass the other day. They were eating. They were stretched out looking around them with smiles on their faces. They looked like men who knew they were taken care of. This was my perecption of the scene. It shows where I was coming from, not them. For the first time I realized that having nothing materially could be one of the richest moments of life. The world was these men's home. They had no mortgage, and they got to travel. They got to meet new people every day. They got to be on their own clock and not someone else's. Was it a life I wanted? No. Well, really, yes, but in a slightly different way. I want my home to have a nice bed in it with a gourmet kitchen fully stocked, and still not have a mortgage to pay. And, I have that now. And, I'm very grateful.

When I lived in Steamboat I lived in a multimillion dollar home for free with no utilities. Granted, I was in the apartment above the garage, but it was one fine apartment in a luxury neighborhood with some of the nicest people on this planet. I was grateful, and still am for their generosity and their belief in me.

What I'm saying is that we can create what we want. We must know we can have it, not just believe. It has to be a knowingness that goes so deeply doubts are easily brushed away. Now is the time to manifest what we truly want instead of struggling. Corporate America is the old paradigm. The world is shifting so fast, and I see so many people faltering with not knowing what to do because the world is no longer working like it used to. I'm waking every morning and seeing how to use the universal laws to design the life of my dreams. And maybe I needed to leave behind everything that was once precious to me so that I could truly experience the freedom of nonattachment. There's no army in the world that can deliver this kind of freedom. No battle or war can be fought and "won" to create this kind of peace.

The real war is between our ears, and the real peace is within. I stopped looking outside of myself for that. I am my own peace maker. I am my own creator of all that I want. I am. And, I detach from the naysayers, even if that includes those I love dearly. I detach from the outcome, knowing that whatever it looks like, my peace goes undisturbed. I am this wealthy.

magic happens

I believe this has to have been the strangest day of my life. And believe me most of my days are pretty strange.


It was the first day I didn't go out for a hike since living here. As a matter of fact, it's 8:16 p.m. and I'm still in my robe. I've been reading and writing most of the day, typing like crazy really. And, when I went to save what I had typed this morning, it all disappeared. Apparently it wasn't necessary to keep those words.

I've been feeling as if I'm not part of this planet anymore. Not only did my words disappear, but I also used someone else's image on my Facebook profile picture, and four people noticed the difference and commented. I felt like I was invisible. It made me really think about how I was showing up in the world. Or, not showing up at all maybe. Even as I write this, I wonder about still being here on this planet in this house in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Am I really here, or is it just one of those illusory things? I sent emails that have gone unanswered, haven't even been able to contact Sprint, and you'd think they'd answer if money were involved.

Am I really here? It just hasn't felt so much like it today. I cocooned myself with books, journal, and laptop. It feel like being a part of the "world" is not where I belonged today. There's been this cyclone of energy swirling around me and dropping me off in all different levels of consciousness, or so it seems. I've never been in this situation before and don't know what to make of it, so I just get up every morning and do what feels good.

Tammy and I had a long discussion about what it means to follow our hearts. What would our lives look like if we made every decision based on what our hearts told us? That's how we're living right now. Following our hearts, listening within, and not caring what society thinks or what others want us to do, and that includes ourselves sometimes. There are still those ugly little thoughts that creep in about whether or not we deserve these magnificent men, these fabulous businesses, our beautiful home, etc. And, why don't we deserve all of this?

It's a whole lot of retraining the brain, that's for sure. It's constantly catching those crazy thoughts of doubting what we have and what we desire. It's the ability to put a halt to all those questions of how we're going to make it work or when or where or whatever else. It's that kind of crazy making that can send us over the edge. Luckily, we have each other to stop us before we get too carried away.

The only thing necessary is the what and the why. Really. What do we want and why do we want it. It's amazing to see what happens when we drop those paddles and let the canoe float downstream. There are a few people who understand what I'm talking about and actually live their lives like that. Most of the time I can keep my thoughts fairly well focused on what it is I want. It's those crazy little thoughts that eek in when I'm not paying attention.

For me, I know when I'm back on track because of the way I feel. What I mean by that is the energy that I feel in my body. It tells me how closely connected I am to what I want. When I feel good, the connection is strong. When I feel ecstatic, I am immersed in the thrill of having what I want. It's interesting to know right now how great the connection is because I can think of this wonderful man I like, and feel really, really good instead of going crazy wondering why I haven't heard from him tonight because that's where I would've gone with any other man.

But this Jill is different. This Jill knows the truth. The truth that she is her own creator of her story, her life. She doesn't rely on another for how things go. She orchestrates what she desires and lets it unfold however it does. The one thing I've learned is that what I (my ego) wants is nothing compared to what the universe delivers. If I just put it out there, if I get really clear on what I want, concentrate on that, and let it go, the real magic begins. The ease in life shows up. The grace, the elegance, the beauty escalates, and I wonder why I would ever want to even think I'm in control of the delivery.

As I float downstream in my canoe, I see all those things I've ever wanted. They're all mine for the asking. Tammy and I have been witnesses to everything unfolding so beautfiully for us here because we are willing to surrender and trust. We know. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the miraculous is just around the corner. It always is. It's the believing it when there's no outward sign that we should. It's the solid faith that it's showing up perfectly, whatever it looks like. It's the easy breathing, the letting go, and the unwavering faith that makes dropping the paddles a breeze. And, when you keep seeing the miracles that show up over and over, it's easy to forget what once was the only way we lived -- thinking we needed to know the answers to all the other questions, the who, the where, the when, and the how. Drop those bad boys out of your thought processes and watch the magic begin!

tranquility

Tammy and I were talking on our drive back to Santa Fe tonight about this wonderful man who took the two of us out to dinner after our successful day today. He's someone I went out with last Friday night, and after spending the evening with him tonight I felt the same way agaiin about him. It's a feeling I haven't had about a man before. I'm tranquil. I'm at peace. I am whole and full. That's how I feel after being with him. We sat outside on the patio at a restaurant in Taos and enjoyed each other's company immensely. Kicking back in our chairs, sipping our drinks, and devouring chips and salsa.


The conversation never stopped. It flowed from one topic to the next. Laughter came easily, and I just didn't want to stop looking in his eyes. He showed us around his office. We sat in his waiting room and talked before going out to dinner. His office felt good, warm and inviting, healing and gracious. I wasn't sure I wanted to leave. If it had had a fireplace with fire crackling, I knew I would've set up camp for the winter right there on his couch with him beside me.

I loved watching him and Tammy interact. I loved that they got along so well especially after I got a chance to have a very fun morning with her and someone she's interested in. It was lovely, and tonight got even lovelier.

While Tammy went inside to get a refill on her drink, my friend and I sat on the patio and talked about families. He told me that I may not have gotten a chance to pick the family I was born into, but now I could hand select those I wanted to call family. I was sitting at the table with two of them.

Tammy and I have learned to drop our paddles and let our canoe just flow downstream. This morning at 3:30 I got a cosmic whack upside the head with red neon letters flashing before me: TAOS, and then as soon as I got up I got a Facebook friend request from a man in Taos who owns a business. I not only friended him, but told him what Tammy and I are doing. He suggested we stop by and talk with him about our work and products. Now let me tell you, I don't ignore signs like that, so after our morning hike, off we went to Taos, met my new friend, and now have business together. On the drive over, we got an email from one of the Santa Fe schools asking us to schedule with them so that we can get our work in their school.

And then we got the chance to dine with one of the most wonderful men on this planet. I am so grateful to have him in my life, so grateful that Tammy and he are friends, and ever so grateful to be able to feel this tranquil after having been with him. This, I'm sure, is how easy it is to live life, this full, this magical, and this blessed.

Transparency

"We are earth people on a spiritual journey to the stars. Our quest, our earth walk, is to look within, to know who we are, to see that we are connected to all things, that there is no separation, only in the mind." -Lakota


I was reading postings on my FB wall when I came across this one shared by Cheryl Janecky. Interesting that I had just journaled about that very thing. I've made friends with a Lakota medicine man and have fallen in love with me all that more because there is no separation, except in my mind. He is peace. He knows who he is and knows the connection with us all. By knowing him, I know myself. By loving him, I love myself. With him there is quiet euphoria and the questions disappear when I truly lay myself open before him.

The difficulty I've had has been to be that laid out and honest, that authentic and purely open. I find myself running for cover in superficial conversations. Really, really? I say this is what I want, and he shows up, and I play less than? Is this what it means to be careful what you wish for?

I choose to step up and meet him where he is. I choose better for myself. I choose the best for myself, and right now it feels right to choose what he brings into my life. To match him, I must be authentic. To me that means that I must speak and feel from my heart, not my head. Stop myself before opening my mouth or doing anything, and listen within. What feels good? Respond to him, his energy, in kind. He speaks from his heart. He loves openingly. His eyes tell all. They are a sea of compassion, of kindness, and if that's what I see, then it's in me. We are one. The separation exists only in my mind, and when I get out of my head, I see the best parts of me. I see myself as unconditional love. I see myself as that compassionate being, that person that oozes loving energy. When I acknowledge who I really am, how can I be anything else? How can it be any different for you? We are made of the same fabric.

I sit here at this beautiful dining room table with dahlias overseeing my typing, small aircraft flying outside the window, and adobe houses lining the streets. I'm listening to Native American chants through my earbuds, and I'm flying high. In a previous life I would be chastising myself for wasting time not doing anything on my to-do lists. I don't have to-do lists anymore. My heart's in charge now. My heart is my guidance, my boss, my supervisor, my CEO. And because of that, I've attracted the most amazing people in my life. I've been given the opportunity to raise the bar over and over with how I show up in the world. I choose to keep raising it. I belong higher, and the higher I go the higher I want to go.

Someone told me that there was no reason for me to leave McKinney, Texas where I'd been living near her. She told me that I could have everything I wanted right there. She said I was running away from something, and I was taking myself with me. She told me that I would end up just in another place and still unhappy with myself and with the place. All I can say to that now is that I could have never experienced (and did not experience) any of this in Texas. There is an energy here like I've never experienced before. There are people here like I've never met before, and I have become someone I've never been before, and becoming even more the person I really want to be. The peace within is what I carry now. That is all I carry. I've gotten rid of everything else, and I keep encountering layers of what's not peace every now and then, and get the chance to remove it. I go deeper and deeper within. I excavate. I am quiet. I am silent. I sit on a boulder on a mountain soaking in the sun. I hear the ravens overhead. I see the hawks circling, and I come to know me even more.

There is no bank account, car, house, alcoholic drinks, person, lover, etc. that can bring to me the peace I have cultivated within. It wasn't until I became that peace, that love, that all-encompassing energy body that all these people showed up in my life. When I became what I wanted, I made room for these experiences of what authentic love looks like.

Broken Glass

Reaching In

Share with me
your sentiment and sorrow,
every element contained.
I entirely embrace you,
utterly,
totally,
as tenderly
as you've held my hand
and heart,
without release,
the moment that
with hesitation
and uncertainty,
I gently laid my presence
into your welcoming acceptance.

Copyright © 2004 Richard Gary Butler PhD DD
 
This poem is written by someone I just met on Facebook. Richard's got some amazingly sensual pieces, but I found myself drawn to this one because, oddly enough, this is what I strive for. I've had extraordinary sexual experiences, but without the complete and honest opening of my heart and laying my pure presence into another's welcoming acceptance, I feel I've missed the mark. Because I want more.
 
I want the highest of highs of busting my heart wide open and laying myself purely and unequivocally at a lover's feet. What must it take to have such an open heart? What must it take to be that person who can be so wildly, furiously split open and savoring every single moment with delicious anticipation? 
 
And then, what must it take to allow that lover to do or say whatever he desires and still keep that openness alive and pure and growing?
 
What must it take to allow a man to take you deeper and deeper, farther than you've allowed yourself to go before? 
 
It's in the letting go, that we receive the purest of love. Ah, that moment of pure rapture, the moment of total honesty laid before one another like broken glass with all edges exposed. It's then that you see so easily how perfectly you fit together, how beautifully you expand into the ethers with blissful joy because you have touched your god within you and discovered who you really are.
 
And at that point, you are able to let go, to release your grip on his arms, to lick your lips and taste his juices, and know that wherever he goes, however far away he is, you have become more wholly you and his absence depletes nothing.

Napkin Notes

One of the many things that happen to me when I'm out with friends is someone says something that needs to go down in history. Since most of the time I'm at Square Burger, I have a plethora of napkin notes that I use to dictate snippets of conversations.

The other night Tammy Davis and I were sitting with Marley, a bartender at Square Burger. We were watching Kym and Katy pushing the pilsners onto these black grate-like things that shot water into the glasses. I asked Marley what in the heck they were doing, and he said they were getting the glasses ready for the beer. Tammy said, "What if the beer needed to be ready for the glasses?"

The owner, Brandon Horrocks, stopped by our bar stools, and I posed that question to him. His response was, and I wrote it down and had him check it to make sure I got it right because it could end up being in some beer encyclopedia of some sort some day, so here it is. Please be seated because this profound answer could knock you off your feet.

"Why can't they be mutually attracted to each other and get together?"

And then there was the night in our Square Burger booth that my friend Jeremiah told me this one: "You're like the tide of McKinney. You're either in early or out late."  The "in early" hasn't happened this year yet, I don't think.

And here's one today, copied from Facebook: "The human experience can never be healed because it's a figment of our imagination. The human experience is what we wake up from." Michael Beckwith

And on that note, I'm finishing up this blog and walking across the street to Square Burger for a glass of wine with the best company I know.

I am so grateful

I awoke this morning to a phone call from a dear, sweet friend telling me about her nephew's accident. She asked if my chiropractor daughter, Dr. Alyssa Summey, could phone her sister, the mother, and give her information about what her son's doctors were suggesting.

After telling my daughter about this request, she told me about her friend/patient that was broadsided by an SUV while driving his motorcycle after leaving her office on Monday. He was airlifted to a hospital in Dallas where he still is.

These two events helped me remember how grateful I am for every single person in my life, how very precious they are to me, and for all the greatness that is showered on me every moment.

I am so grateful.

I got a beautiful email from a man who has altered my life significantly. When I opened up yahoo and saw his name there, tears came to my eyes. He's Tom Crum, an amazing being who taught me so much last September at his Journey to Center workshop. I feel the effects of his teachings daily. Thank you, Tom, from the bottom of my heart for blessing my life with your gracious teachings.

I am so grateful.

And then I met a friend, Michelle Barr, I'd lost touch with for coffee this morning. We poured our hearts out over coffee and tea, and suddenly the day was brighter and lighter. We took a tour back to my daughter's office on the square so she could look at the potential use of the office space for herself. We ran into another piece of the puzzle, Molly Jones of Molly J & Co. and ended up having lunch together and discussing the vibrant connection and possible joint ventures of business on the square.

I am so grateful.

I received a phone call from an Aspen friend who was a close friend of John Denver's, as was Tom Crum. After that conversation, I turned on my computer to see John Denver on my FB page. I am blessed with serendipity and miracles. John Denver always has shown up in my life during a major change. I look forward to seeing what's next.

I am so grateful.

I opened my email and read a long one from a beau, and it hurt to read his pain, but also felt good knowing that what he's suffering through cleanses him in the end. It'll bring him into such beautiful light. One day.

I am so grateful.

Tonight I fixed a delicious chicken dinner for my wonderful daughter before we leave to check out another office space. We're planning on going to Lone Star Winery for glasses of red wine, before heading over to Cadillac's to hear our favorite local musicians.

I am so grateful.