the wind

I am 54 years old. No spring chicken. Been around the block a time or two. So, how is it that I feel brand new?

It seems as if every single thing in my life has occurred to bring me to the moment I'm in now. I am here in NY with this man for a very great reason. I'm learning every single minute how easily love grows. It's astounding to me to feel the way I do about him. I think about him when he's not with me, and when he is, I can hardly keep my eyes (and hands) off him.

Where did this come from? I thought I'd been in love before. I thought I knew what it was like to share my life with someone. I'm finding that those beliefs are false. I'm discovering now what it means to love someone so deeply, so unconditionally that there's not a thing he can say or do that will lessen the love I feel. By opening to him, I've opened myself to the world, the most beautiful, contagiously gorgeous parts of the universe. It's a world I couldn't have wished for because I didn't know it existed.

I look back on my life as a single woman -- my real life, I call it -- and categorize my "episodes" like this: Steamboat Springs was my time for extraordinary spiritual growth and discovering who I could possibly be. The next phase, McKinney, TX, was my I-never-got-to-be-a-wild-teenager-before time, so I took the opportunity to let loose and cultivate wonderful friendships in a magical small community.

And then New Mexico hit me, and I mean that literally. My three months in NM was what I call my "hosing off" time. Apparently, the wild teenager in me needed a major hosing to integrate all the phases I had experienced so that I could be prepared for my NY experiences.

I came here to NY with three suitcases and a box. Absolutely no record of a past to speak of. Pretty amazing considering I used to live in the midst of great quantities of things. Things, things, and more things. I arrived with clothes, a few books, and essential papers. That's it. Nothing more.

However, in the 125 days I've been here, I've accumulated the greatest of all wealth. I am deeply loved by the most amazing man in the galaxy. I am rich beyond words.

I wake in the morning and look at his face. My heart fills to overflowing. I get to wake up next to him. I've never experienced such amazing wealth before moving here.

I recall my childhood with three brothers, a Catholic upbringing in the 50s, 60s, and 70s (And did I mention that it all occurred in the south of all places??), and I see myself now living in the north, non church-going without those said brothers, and I realize the transformation that has transpired. Every single experience, every moment, every breath has led to right now, right here with this man, with our art, with our love, our passion for each other and what we do. It's an extraordinary time, an amazing chance to create the perfect life with this very, very perfect man for me.

I was told by two people in Texas that I would have a relationship beyond my wildest dreams, that I would be loved like this, be given gifts regularly, and not once could I believe them. I scoffed at them actually. I had never had a man treat me with such respect or gratitude. I had no reference for that. I couldn't fathom working with a man I was in a relationship with and loving every minute of it. How could that be after working with a husband for 26 years and knowing that with each passing day, more and more of me was dying?

I was reading some messages that Dan and I had been sending to one another on FB last year before either one of us was ready to admit that there could possibly be more between us than we were letting on, and I marvelled at the genuine concern, beautiful sentiments, and glowing raves we shared with each other. We have respected each other from the very first word. We have believed in each other from the moment we saw each other's work. And now, what we have done together... I am humbled to call him my partner in business, in love, and in life. He is truly so much more than I could have ever imagined. He's allowed my freak flag to fly. He's actually encouraged it, and he truly is the wind beneath it.

milestones...

Today marks a milestone. I've been here in NY with Dan for 84 days, one day longer than I was in New Mexico. It's also the day before Texas Independence Day and Dan's birthday. Several milestones, I guess. I've never celebrated Texas Independence Day or Dan's birthday before. Again, new experiences, and believe me, celebrating with Dan is always a new experience. Because today is his last day to be 54, I want to dedicate this time and this space to the man that I am privileged to live with and to call my own. Ah...

Today we got our second piece of mail with both our names on it. I don't know quite how to describe what that felt like. I looked at both our names with an "and" sign in the middle, sent to one address. I know I live here with him. I wake up with him every morning. I go to bed with him every night. I call this home. This is where I want to encrust a few roots. Then I see our names typed together on a mailing label from a local museum where we are now members, and I feel as if the Universe is agreeing with me. We belong together. We sooooo belong together.

I'm working on a few commissioned pieces right now, and he's been documenting every step of the way. I've put up a design wall in my studio space so I can view the makings of the wall hangings from hour to hour, moment by moment. And before I know it, Dan's taking pictures of the progression of the strips, the circles, the squares, and the rectangles. I'm making five wall hangings and one pillow out of someone's father's clothing. He was a surgeon and a hunter, so I have a collection of silk ties and camo, dress shirts and overalls, not to mention the bright hunter orange shirt. Dan has given me advice, listened to my musings, and put up with whining when I couldn't figure out why I wasn't pleased with the pieces.




way before a million changes


I've never had this in my life. I've never had a man who was so encouraging to my artist whims. I've never had someone want to be a part of this growing experiment of making wall art from clothing. He has provided me with solitude when he knew I needed it and an ear when I needed to be heard.

We discovered each other when we were 54 years old, when we least expected it, when we both fought the inevitable. When we surrendered to the fact that we were meant to be together, it was (and continues to be) truly magical, and the easiest thing we both have ever done.

It's been 84 days of bliss, of extraordinary education in art, of stretching myself, and of allowing the most beautiful man into my life. I've grown my sewing space, and I've grown my imagination. The latest things I've done with his tie-dyes have yet to be completely finished, but I'll unveil the happenings here.




tie-dyed fabric beads


If it weren't for Dan Leo, I would not be where I am right now or who I am right now. I love it all more than I've loved any of it before. I've never felt like I belong like I do here, and believe me I knew I belonged in McKinney, Texas, so just imagine what my belonging in this place to this man feels like!

We're working on a name for our business. We thought we had it twice already. However, both names were already taken, so now back to square one. In the meantime, I'll keep posting our latest works and our latest comings and goings.

You know, people have always told me that if they knew what it was like to be a grandparent they would have chosen that first. Well, if I'd ever known what it was like to love this man and live with this man like I do, I would have done it first. But because we met up when we'd both been through a lot, after tremendous growth and pain, we have created a life together that is beyond compare. I could never have had this kind of relationship without first experiencing all that I didn't want first. So, to all that participated in that challenging growth, I thank you because right here, right now I'm the happiest I've ever been. This is right where I belong.

access to scissors

What I started with was a tie-dyed t-shirt. Not just any tie-dyed t-shirt, but a Dan Leo. In the fabric art world that is worth some very big coin, and I got to cut it up. Yes, I'm sure there are minds around the world reading these very words and their realities have stopped existing for just a moment until they come to.

You see, once upon  a time I went to high school in Dallas, and there I heard of a teenager named Dan Leo. I've decided after listening to NPR today while knitting that I'm going to change my history, but I'm not sure where to start. I just know that Dan and I have raised a whole lot of eyebrows because I jumped on a train with a one-way ticket to travel across the country to live with him after only seeing each other for somewhere around three hours this summer. Yep, we did go to high school together, but neither one of us really has a great recollection of even talking to each other, and so here we are living and working together. Go figure...

Okay, so back to the ball of -- no, I think I left off at the t-shirt.

Once upon a time in a house in NY there lived a man minding his own business when along came a Facebook friend request from someone he had gone to high school with. He accepted the request. Ooooh dear, what little he knew of the consequences of that action.

Just a few months later he decided to drop in to see this Facebook friend that he had gone to high school with while she was living in the Dallas area. That visit lasted less than three hours. However, just a few months later this friend boarded Amtrak heading for NY where she now lives with this man, his dyes, his boxes, his boys, and his fabrics. Oh sweet baby jesus!!

So, with one of his tie-dyed t-shirts (yes, I am getting back to the original point of this blog post) I (the Facebook friend) cut it into strips and knitted it into a scarf as you can see in the above picture. And, for your viewing enjoyment here are some other pictures that highlight the communion of talents in this household.

Here's the latest one I've been working on, gleaned from a UT tie-dyed shirt. Just a little something to do on a Sunday morning in the House of Leo while all the menfolk are asleep. Well, not exactly... I actually knitted this after Dan did a morning of dyeing.

Dan's pile of tie-dyed wonders. This is something he did in just a very few minutes. On the other hand, the pile I did yesterday took me all day. Hm, he's done it a day or two longer than me...

And here they are after being dyed. And after the next process they go through who knows what could possibly happen to them if I have access to scissors.
stay tuned...

going home

I haven't celebrated Christmas in many, many years. No Christmas tree. No Christmas dinner. Just didn't feel like it. Christmas has been just another day for most of this century. As a matter of fact, I was looking at the same kind of Christmas this year too as everyone in the compound where I live right now in Taos will be gone by Christmas. I thought I'd be here by myself -- again.

Not so anymore.

I'm moving to Oswego, New York. Heading that way on Monday. Right now my last load of laundry is being dried, and just one more suitcase to pack. I've given away even more of my stuff. I've spent my single life purging like crazy, and when I left McKinney, Texas I thought I'd purged enough of my things. Again, it's not what I thought.

All of my belongings now fit into two large suitcases and a duffel bag. I'm arriving in Oswego with no past. I've gotten rid of all journals and now most of my pictures. I've held onto a few pictures of my daughter, but all others are gone.

This move has been a no-brainer. It has come strictly from my heart. I am working with someone creating clothing from his dyed fabrics. The joy I feel from working with his masterpieces is indescribable. The passion I feel for working with him has led to something very personal. There is a connection between the two of us that has made this move across the country the easiest thing I've ever done. I am told several times a day about how cold it is there, the amounts of snow they have every winter, and how poverty-stricken the area is.

It doesn't matter. I'm moving to be with the man, not to be in the place. The love I feel for him is so deep and natural and real. It's the truest thing in my life. It's the one thing I'm more sure of than anything else. And, it's all that matters.

I'm 54 years old. I'm not a young teenager that's walking into a situation thinking it's all rosy and sweet. No, I'm looking at it as fun. This adventure is my fun time. My marriage was hard work, drudgery, and putting happiness at bay. This relationship has just been so much fun. If I could only impart the joy I feel brainstorming with him, looking at his picture of super heroes overseeing his cups of dyes, hearing about the nativity set where each figure is about one inch tall, and looking at the picture of the glass baby Jesus in front of the margarita mix bucket. He opens my world with his fascination of how macaroni could actually look like an angel. When I look at the picture he sent me, I can't help but smile and get excited about creating new Christmas memories.

This is my time to lighten up, to play, to live with boys again, create art, clothing, and accessories out of tie-dyed fabrics, to laugh incessantly, to dance to every kind of music, to plant a garden with seeds garnered from eaten vegetables, to help cook coconut battered fried chicken, to make up stories, and to love so openly that joy spills out. This is my new adventure. The train I'm taking leaves on Monday and arrives where my heart is leading me on Wednesday.

I am going home. Finally. And, home is not a place. In this case it's a man, and I get to play with him.

at least 1000 words

After a long day at the store and at the gallery, I arrived home somewhere around nine tonight. I haven't been sleeping much, and I was dragging my ass through the house to get to my bedroom. I haven't been sleeping much lately because my brain is spewing all night long with ideas of what I can do with tie-dyed and/or batik fabric. Not just any tie-dyed and/or batik fabric, but Dan Leo's fabrics. I've been writing about him for a while without giving up his identity, but tonight when I got home, I got an email from him with these pictures and a short little note. He hopes these pictures are worth at least 1000 words.

Well, mister, you got it, and now that you sent me the pictures I'm blowing your cover!! Personally, I'd write across the sky if I could how I really feel about you, but there's not enough sky. So, I'll do what I can here.

First of all, I loved coming home tonight and finding your new pictures not only in my email but also the ones of your work on Facebook. I want everything you've ever made. I would love to be in a room in your house with all your fabrics and shirts and my sewing machine and boxes of threads and beads and batting. Your designs are so amazing, and I would love to get my hands on them. You ain't seen nothin' yet...

I think you're a genius. You're amazingly talented and you up my game. You stretch my imagination. You expand my reach. I look at this design, and I'm awed at your creativity. I have an inkling of an idea of how long it took you to do this and what the process was. I am in awe. I could look at this for hours, and if it were in my hands right now, I would spin my own magic on it. I look at this, and I radiate love for you. Oh my god, Dan, this needs to be in my box that you mailed me. I feel like Christmas will arrive when I get to open what you sent me. This is a dream come true to be able to work with a man like you. Your work is stunning, and I get to play with it. How did I get to be in my shoes?

Something really cool happened today. When it occurred, I knew I wasn't in Kansas anymore. This really is Taos. I know you said that I had to stay in Taos, but I'm telling you I ache to work with you. I know it would be the highest high to stand next to you while we're playing with dyes and fabric. I have no doubt about that at all. Baby, we could rock the world with what we can do together. The world has never seen what we can do, but I've seen it plenty of times in my head. It keeps me awake at night. I sleep with my laptop now because I wake up with all these ideas and can't go back to sleep until they all get written.

Today while I was working in the store a woman from San Fransisco walked up to me and told me that if I would write every morning nonsensical words and read them backwards and forwards I would get the message about why I am here. (Now remember, I'm in Taos.)

She told me that at least by February it'll all be clear to me. It could happen sooner if I'd get busy writing like she told me to do every single day. I told her that I was collaborating with someone in New York with my artwork. I said that I thought I was going to be doing energy work in Santa Fe, but instead ended up in Taos doing art again. She just nodded and said, "Yes, that's right." She told me it was important for me to do that writing every single morning. I told her that I would, and she walked out of the store. As she walked down the hallway, she abruptly turned around and stood in the doorway. She said to me, "You're not staying in Taos, but you know that already." I told her that indeed I did know that. She said, "Look beyond the city lights." She smiled at me, and then said, "And you know what that means." I told her that I did, and then she left.

Then a man named Dave came in looking for information on one of the offices upstairs. We got to talking, and I eventually told him about Ms. San Fransisco and what she told me. He asked me if I felt in my heart that her words rang true for me. I said they did, and he said, "Then I'm going to leave you with this gift today." He reached across the counter and held my hand in both of his, and said, "When you hear something, look within. If it resonates with what your heart is telling you, then it is true for you." I told him that it was true for me, and he told me that what Ms. San Fransisco did for me was provide confirmation for all I had been feeling.

Well now, welcome to my world in Taos. Just another day at the office...

So, would you still kick my sweet butt back to Taos if I showed up in New York, in the town beyond the city lights? I feel that you and I are walking a path that neither one of us ever anticipated. Even though it's a dream come true, it still makes me shake a  bit in my boots. I am bewildered. Really, Dan, I'm blown away by what's happening between us. And I am so grateful, so very, very grateful.

The thing is that I don't see any obstacles. There's this sense of knowing how right this is, and that it will all work out beautifully for everyone involved. This relationship is built upon deep unconditional love for each other. This is a brand new experience for me, especially when it comes to loving a man. It doesn't matter to me that you have 8,000 sons, or that you live a world away. The magic unfolds for us to be together. I am more sure about that than anything I've ever felt before. You and I are one. There's no definitive line where you end and I begin. I know that will become more apparent when we create together. We were born to be artists together. Oh my god, I'm weak in the knees just thinking about it. Dan, if I could just be in the same room with you while you do what you do to make what you make. If I could just watch you... If I could just be with you... Damn, I wish I had the right words to finish those statements, but what I do have are feelings, intense, amazing feelings for you and what you are able to do. I am humbled that you want me with you. I am privileged that you want to work with me, and I am so very grateful that you love me.

This is my Dan. This is the person responsible for the huge smile on my face and my heart opening even wider. By the way, even though I'm looking at your face, I can't help but look at that fish behind you and wish I had it and my sewing machine together right now. God, I've never had the passion for a man and his work like I do with you. My heart could explode right now just looking at you (and the fish...). My heart doesn't lie, and it tells me it's you that I want in my life right now and right now and right now.

I'm going to have to come up with my own language for how I feel about you because there's nothing in English that comes close to what you mean to me.

When I opened this file and saw you looking at me like this, it took my breath away. I don't know if there are at least 1000 words or not in this post, but there are no words, no adequate words, no words that even come close to the way I feel about you. No word has been invented because how I feel about you has never been experienced before. What we have together is beyond words, is beyond what most people know. It certainly was something I knew nothing about until now. You are my love. You excite me beyond measure. Just looking into your eyes, just hearing your voice, or listening to your laughter changes every cell in my body. I am the best I've ever been because not only do I cherish what we have, but I know you do too.
Wherever you are, I am also. You are the air that I breathe and the ground on which I walk. And yet I know... Baby, I know with everything I am that I ain't waiting til March. Just sayin'...

leading from the heart

I'm discovering that I live with two jills -- one is the ego, the personality, the mind-fuck, and I call her jill, and then there's the other one  -- JILL. She is the heart, the soul, the essence, the core, the real me. For most of my life she has been in hiding. She was taught to not come out and play because it was too dangerous. She danced to a totally different rhythm and where I came from that wasn't allowed. I was taught to behave, to not be heard, and to follow the rules without question. I have to say I did that really well for most my life. I did it so well that I buried myself in my marriage, in being a daughter, in being a mother. So, it took me 48 years to dig through all that crap I uncovered, but I still did it. And, I'm still digging out from under some of it -- again and again.

So, back when I was 48 jill became Jill. Yep, she stood up to a man who didn't want to hear her, and she said she wanted a divorce. It took him 2 years to really believe her because he chose not to listen.

By the time she turned 50 Jill became JIll. She moved to Steamboat and worked with a shaman. There was a deep excavation process that went on throughout that two-year stint. The excavation was not only a physical process of releasing all the shit, but a major shift in how she was thinking. She went from being a oh-woe-is-me girl to OMG-what-revelations! woman. She got a taste of loving unconditionally. She took shamanic journeys, goddess classes, sexual rituals, did Native ceremonies... whatever it took for her to value her own voice so she could hear herself.

Not too long after her 52nd birthday, she arrived in McKinney, TX where she transformed into JILl. She went back to a place near where she grew up. She got the experiences of healing childhood wounds, growing up a bit, and tasting the contrasts of what she no longer wanted in her life. She discovered how very tired she was of living a life where appearances mattered. And slowly, all of her possessions were discarded.

Which led her to New Mexico by the time she turned 54. Here, she stripped down to her naked vulnerability. Here, she's uncovered JILL, who's been with her all along, but not allowed to surface fully until now.

Even as I write this I'm shaking. I'm scared. I'm choosing to live my life so openly. I'm willing to allow JILL to absolutely take over, and the roads that have shown up as a result scare jill to death. Bottom line is that I see a road opening up to me that I never considered before,  a life so very different from what I've ever had before... And yet when I look at the visions I see before me, I realize that I was born for that life. Every experience has led right to that path. Everything... And everyone...

What has happened when JILL arrived completely is this feeling that jill is no longer in control. I mean, that little presence has no say whatsoever in what happens. My feelings override every thought I have until the thoughts come around to resonating with the feelings. When I'm in a situation that no longer matches how I feel, oh sweet jesus! I get shoved right out.

The first time this happened was last Friday when I was at a coffee shop and someone I had just met was asking me to dinner. My ass was kicked right out of there. I mean that literally. That's what is so new to me about living this way. It's as if my heart truly leads, and my body is forced to follow. I couldn't breathe well when I was in that coffee shop, and as soon as I got outside, I felt this weight come off my chest. I sighed heavily (and gratefully), and then saw a vision of myself with someone in New York.

Since this was my first time to experience this kind of ass-whupping, I carried on like a two-year old throwing a tantrum. I walked down the main drag of Taos flinging my arms and yelling like a crazed lunatic. I was determined that I was not moving again. I was staying in Taos. I love everything about this place and the people here. I was not moving. Period.

And then it hit me -- for the first time in my life I was seeing myself somewhere else with someone else because I wanted that more than I wanted to be in a place I absolutely adored without him. What's even crazier is that I've seen him for just a few hours in the last 36 years. I've communicated with him somewhat regularly for the past four months or so, but I feel as if I know him so well that there's no separation between the two of us. I feel him all the time. I see him in his daily life. It's the craziest thing, and yet it feels as if this is what I've been waiting for forever. This is nothing like I've ever experienced before because there is no need involved. I'm at peace. I'm calm. I'm not questioning anything. I know. I know. I just know. And now that I can be heard, it seems words are not that necessary.

There's this fine line, a veil that's getting more and more transparent as the hours lapse where I can be here in Taos laying in my bed, and I feel his arms around me. I can be walking across the street, and he's there beside me. I used to have a constant mantra when this first started happening -- wtf? wtf? wtf? Now, it's normal. Now, if I didn't feel him or see him, maybe then I'd be chanting that mantra.

My heart feels so wide, so open it could encompass the world and then some. This is how I am to live my life. This is who I am. If it weren't for all those twists and turns, the zigzagging on this crazy path, I couldn't possibly be prepared to love this man the way I do. I couldn't possibly be able to see the utter beauty in him without all the crap I've carried for years. I had to dig deeply and allow my true self to come up and out so that I am deserving of such a man like him.

I read his words to me, and I am humbled that he has chosen to not run away. I am privileged that he experiences moments that he wants to share only with me.  It has taken me forty years to finally match the greatness within him so that we could finally be drawn together. I never said I was the sharpest tool in the shed, but I am so grateful that we have what we have with each other right now. It is the most open, calming, vulnerable, safe, and loving relationship I've ever experienced.

And, besides all of that we have this passion, this absolute crazy nuttiness for what we can do with fabric. It kept me awake last night. There is no switch to turn off when it comes to creating. My head becomes a virtual TV screen of what I could possibly do with fabric, beads, paints, fibers, etc. And to be able to share this contagious craziness with someone like him? It's beyond my wildest dreams. I've never had a man I could be so open with about what fills me and have him get it, have him feel the same way about the same thing. Un-frickin'-believable...

What if this is the way life is meant to be? What if we are to have partners who we want to confide in more than anyone else, and share a passion with, and feel him when he's physically not there, and know what he's thinking about? What if this is the way it's supposed to be? What if it's a soul union that's been waiting for the physical bodies to just catch up? And, what if every experience leads to just that? Then, how important has every person and situation been to our growth if it inevitably leads each one of us to that soul union?

If that's the case, all I can say to every person that's ever influenced me in any way, thank you immensely. I am grateful for whatever it took to get me to where I am right now, and I look forward to wherever my heart leads me next.

To Tammy

So, the day has passed. I'm now home alone as Tammy is with her boyfriend, and the owner of the house is in Santa Fe. I love this house. I love Tammy so much. She is the reason I'm in Taos. She is the reason I came to New Mexico at all. And something happened today that made me feel ties to Taos being cut. I could feel the cord being severed, and quite frankly I just want to land. I love it here, and at the same time I "see" myself somewhere else. Really? I just got a new job that I'm so excited about I can hardly stand it. I've made friends I want to see on a regular basis. I've given up a car, a phone, a lifestyle, my art/sewing supplies... I keep dropping baggage everywhere I go. I'm down to my panties really, and it feels like it's time to let those go too. (Oh, I can tell where some of my friends' minds just went...)


Whether or not I move is not the point. I feel the point to what happened today was about me being able to say yes to moving again. It was an experience that showed me that I'm not to have ties here either. Untethered, my new job description...

Tammy's not hanging with me much anymore. We both have jobs that take us to different parts of town, and she's with her boyfriend most other times. She's planted here. I thought I was too. I thought I was ready to put down roots here, and maybe I will, but it just seems that being attached to this place is not in my future (or my present). I'm whining. I'm bellyaching because I had expectations. Oh shit... When will I ever learn that lesson?

Once upon a time here in Taos I was dating a wonderful, amazing man, but even though he was the one who ended the relationship, I had no qualms about it. It has been very easy not seeing him anymore. I knew, I knew deep down, that there was nothing sustainable about a romantic relationship with him. I knew it. I felt it, and I am deeply touched to have had him in my life.

Then this afternoon Tammy and I were in a coffee shop with her boyfriend, and I was introduced to an acquaintance of theirs. Really fascinating guy whose conversation intrigued me. He sat closer to me. He leaned into me, and then he started talking about having us over for dinner. All of a sudden this awful feeling swept over me. I felt like I couldn't talk. I listened to them talk, and I wanted to flee. My throat was constricting as I stood up and put on my jacket. I told them that I had to scoot over to a friend's store to talk business. This very nice man asked if I'd come back another time and join him. I don't know what I said, and I'm not even sure that's what he said to me. As soon as I got outside I could breathe easier. I walked briskly away from there, and as I did I saw a picture flash through my head. Well, holy mother of God... I saw myself in New York with someone I met forty years ago.

Every day here in New Mexico has been a day of letting go of what I think I want or what I think it looks like or whatever else. There's this head and heart game I play every now and then, and today has been one of those times. My head says I want to stay here in Taos, work my jobs, play with my friends, and meet new people while doing art. I want to live in my house and just go about my life, simply with no fanfare, no extravagance, no great meaningful purpose. I just want to wake up in the mornings and greet the days with a smile on my face. I want to serve coffee and sell art. I want simplicity.

And then there's this heart thing... Yeah, yeah, yeah... God, it's got a loud voice that shuts up the head. I came here with Tammy to live from my heart. I came here with Tammy to open my heart wide and love authentically and transparently. I'm not sure how or when my heart opened up so easily to allow this man in, but I know that today I have surrendered to all possibilities. I have let go of Taos, and if I should stay here... Well, I'd be perfectly fine with that, and I also know that being tied to a place is not in the cards for me either.

I live a fuckin' crazy life. No one has to tell me that. I am well aware of it. It's crazy because it's heart-driven and there are no rules. I have seen this man for a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon in the last 36 years, and my heart is wide open to him. I didn't even do that with my husband and I was with him for 32 years!

I have to give Tammy so much credit for helping me through all of this. She's taught me so much about openly loving people. She has one of the purest hearts I've ever encountered, and to know that I'm willing to live somewhere else so far away from her is showing me how much I've grown since meeting her last June. Yep, you read that right. Tammy and I met just last June. Almost three months later I move to another state with her. And now I'm willing to consider another move -- down the road. Please, God, let it be way down the road. I'm just now standing on my own two feet again...

I love deeply. I love easily, and I love openly. Tammy, this one's for you. I am who I am today because of you. There is no one on this planet who knows me like you do, who has put up with me like you have, and who has loved me anyway like you have. Your sons and you are my family. I am blessed. I am privileged, and oh so grateful to be able to call you my sister. I miss you so much, and I am so happy for you. Your dreams are all coming true right here in Taos, something you've ached for. It's a lovely vision to watch, and thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of it.

It feels like I'm saying good bye, and I'm really trying not to do that, but something happened today. Something so tangible that I could physically feel myself being pulled away. As much as my head says no to anything else but Taos, my heart shuts out its blubbering. My heart wins. I'm untethered, and it could still mean years for me in Taos with you. Or not. It's the "or not" I'm wrapping my head around because my heart is loving the idea.

things that make me go hm...

I used to ask for signs. Lately I've had so many coming at me that it's been difficult to remember them all. However, for many, many years now the signs have still been pointing in the same directions, even though they're on two separate sides of the map -- Windstar in Old Snowmass, Colorado and New York. WTF???

First, I have one thing to say before I get into any of that. I LOVE TAOS!!! I love being here with Tammy. I love the house I live in. I love the places I work. I love the people here. I love the energy. I love it all. I'm going to repeat myself here -- wtf???

So, here's a few things that have happened this morning. While drying off after my shower, a thought hit me (as they often do...) that since singledom I've apparently made it a habit to move every two years. Now, let me just say that all morning I was thinking about how much I love Taos and how much I truly enjoy serving the people here. I am so excited about being able to provide meals and coffee and desserts for them next week. I was even thinking about how much fun it would be to run a restaurant with Tammy here with her magnificent recipes. And then I get out of the shower and am knocked upside the head with the idea that I've moved every two years since being single. Two years ago today I arrived in McKinney, Texas with my U-Haul. Hm...

While living in McKinney last July a friend of mine who lives in New York came to visit me and see my studio. While looking at all my stuff, he was quite taken with a little piece I made with dragonflies on it. I gave it to him, and he has since asked me to make him some dragonflies to put on his own art. That's what I've been doing lately instead of doing it last August when he asked for them. Oh well...

Now I'm obsessed with them. I've been making them like crazy, and this morning I decided to look them up in Ted Andrews' Animal Speak. Here's what jumped out at me immediately:

Dragonflies are very territorial. They will lay their eggs within their territory near the water. The egg eventually develops into the nymph stage of metamorphosis in this insect, and remains as a nymph for almost two years before it transforms into an adult dragonfly or damselfly. This can reflect a number of possibilities for those with this totem. It can indicate that an approximate two-year period of change is about to reach its culmination. It may reflect that you are coming into a two-year period of transformation. It may even reflect a need to institute changes that may culminate in the colorful transformations you desire within a two-year period.

Well now... I know I'd be crazy for trying to figure out what any of this means. God knows my interpretations in the past have sent me up shit creek, so I'm not going in that direction now. I'm just noticing patterns and synchronicities -- 2 years, dragonflies, moving, New York...

I just read those words I typed and am surprised at the order I put them in... again, just noticing patterns (I'm telling myself this...)

When I opened Animal Speak to the page with the dragonfly description, I noticed a notation I had made. On June 24, 2005 I was at John Denver's Windstar Foundation in Old Snowmass, Colorado where a dragonfly landed on me. According to the book, in some Native American culture the dragonfly represents the soul of the dead. Really... Just read that.

So, 36 years have passed since I saw this guy I went to high school with (the NY guy). He comes to visit last July and loves my dragonflies. The day he came to town changed everything, and I didn't know it until he left. First of all, he met some of my friends in McKinney. We went to a friend's home where she was putting on a dinner party. My NY friend couldn't stay, but there was something that stuck with me after he was physically gone because that night I could no longer participate in my usual McKinney routine. Every person at that dinner was a very dear, wonderful  friend of mine, but I couldn't stay. I kept leaving the party, walking to the square to just be alone and think. Looking back on it now I realize that there was something between my NY friend and I that was exchanged on a soul level. I have not been the same since. It was that night that I was ready to leave McKinney even though it didn't happen for another two months.

In my life, energy plays a much bigger role than what my physical world looks like. As Ted Andrews says, "Dragonfly can help you to see through your illusions and thus allow your own light to shine forth. Dragonfly brings the brightness of transformation and the wonder of colorful new vision." I don't look at what's in front of me and believe that's all there is. I listen to the words spoken to me, and know that's only part of the story. I watch people's behaviors and know that there's so much more going on. I feel the fabric that ties us all together. I know there's a huge picture developing no matter what shows up. I don't pretend to know what is going on; I just know that if I let go of trying to figure it all out then "the wonder of colorful new vision" appears.

So, that being said, what I'm trying to get at, successfully or not, is that there is a magnificence unfolding in my life and it feels like this man who now lives in NY has had some part in it. Where does it go from here? Who knows? I know that information is showing up for me now, and it's opening me up to more possibilities.

And with that being said, I'm just going to work on dragonflies today. I'll probably go to the store and pick up some groceries. I may even walk to the Plaza to talk to some friends about my artwork. But I know one thing for sure, no matter what it is I do, magic will be involved.

a wonderful life

In a previous "lifetime" when I was doing energy work, I had an intuitive tell me that my work came from the void, the nothingness, the zero point field, and it was a way for me to go back there. She said that doing energy sessions for other people was not the purpose of this. The purpose was for me to go there, to dwell in that zero point field.


That was just a mere four months ago, and since then I've moved twice and gone back to what I used to do -- art. When this intuitive told me this, I remember thinking that I wanted to do nothing more than these sessions on other people, but now I see that it really was about me going into that field, that zone, whatever you want to call it. Now, I feel it all the time. I don't have to "go anywhere"; it is me. It's the energy I've always been.

So now I can do anything I want and the energy becomes part of it. I can take a break from the physical world and see so much more clearly and be peace. I can listen to conversations about Verizon phones and how irate the customer was, and not feel part of it at all. As a matter of fact, it's almost as if I can "watch" the words float by me like leaves falling from trees. It really is that insignificant.

What's really fascinating to me is my ability to adjust to a world that is so unlike one I've ever lived in. Technology is almost totally out of my life, except for this computer. What it has done for me is to become so much more a part of the physical world. I walk wherever I want to go, therefore I am making contact with the ground, looking at the landscape more closely, talking to people I pass, and exercising outdoors. I've been in Taos for almost three weeks and I can't even count how many people I know already and how many solid friendships I've cultivated. I told Tammy that I feel like a magnet with arms open wide walking down the street, collecting all that is lovely and beautiful and peaceful. A walking magnet of money, of love, of peace. The peace part is my favorite. Just sayin'.

Is it possible to live in peace here all the time? As much as I want. How's that? As much as I allow. As much as I choose. Ha! There are so many opportunities for me to experience anything other than peace, and after each little episode, I go back to peace. I just can't imagine not wanting peace to be my permanent address. However, I do know that change is inevitable, so let's see where I go next. I certainly showed up in New Mexico thinking that I would do only energy work and would be living in Santa Fe. I also thought I'd have a car and... And now I'm dreaming in tie-dyed fabric. What the...? I wake up with what I can do next with the items I accumulate. Last night I was working on a dragonfly that I cut out of a t-shirt (not one that you gave me, Dan) and stuffed it with ground-up sage I picked from my backyard. I'm learning to use everything at my disposal instead of buying anything I think I need. I used to spend up to thousands of dollars per month on supplies, travels, classes, etc. and now I look at what's around me and how I can make it into something else. My form of alchemy.

I was just informed that I'll be going to work in the store today. I have my bag of goodies to transform into something magical. And when I'm done, when I'm completely satisfied with whatever I make, I plan on sending them to NY. I promised I would send dragonflies last August, and here it is months later, and it's dragonflies that consume me. Dragonflies out of paper, out of t-shirts, glued onto silk, made out of paper towels and glue... It's been a very long time since I've been so enraptured with art. It's interesting to me that when I finally have no supplies, I am creating like a mad woman. I forage the yards around the house. Here in Taos, the different textures, scents, and colors abound. They are prolific. I live in the midst of the most abundant supply store possible! This has caused me to stretch and expand what I thought was possible. Sometimes I feel like a scientist without the beakers. My lab is acres and acres of sage. My ingredients do not foam or boil over, but they do make dragonflies smell nice.

This has truly been a very trying time letting go of all my old beliefs and misconceptions, but slowly coming out on the other side, I've been able to see the plethora of miracles that surround me. Last night when Tammy came home, she brought groceries for a dinner she made for both of us. Every morning when I wake up fresh coffee is waiting for me. I am privileged to work in a store on the plaza selling art, and I get to go there today. Yay! I get to talk to all the tourists that come in from all over the world. I listen to other languages. I hear how people live. I'm able to travel all day long as they describe their lives. When I'm not talking, I get to work on my own art. I dig through my bag of silk scraps, feathers, markers, cardboard, yarns, etc., and I get to turn those ingredients into something else. Wow, it's a wonderful life.