leading from the heart

I'm discovering that I live with two jills -- one is the ego, the personality, the mind-fuck, and I call her jill, and then there's the other one  -- JILL. She is the heart, the soul, the essence, the core, the real me. For most of my life she has been in hiding. She was taught to not come out and play because it was too dangerous. She danced to a totally different rhythm and where I came from that wasn't allowed. I was taught to behave, to not be heard, and to follow the rules without question. I have to say I did that really well for most my life. I did it so well that I buried myself in my marriage, in being a daughter, in being a mother. So, it took me 48 years to dig through all that crap I uncovered, but I still did it. And, I'm still digging out from under some of it -- again and again.

So, back when I was 48 jill became Jill. Yep, she stood up to a man who didn't want to hear her, and she said she wanted a divorce. It took him 2 years to really believe her because he chose not to listen.

By the time she turned 50 Jill became JIll. She moved to Steamboat and worked with a shaman. There was a deep excavation process that went on throughout that two-year stint. The excavation was not only a physical process of releasing all the shit, but a major shift in how she was thinking. She went from being a oh-woe-is-me girl to OMG-what-revelations! woman. She got a taste of loving unconditionally. She took shamanic journeys, goddess classes, sexual rituals, did Native ceremonies... whatever it took for her to value her own voice so she could hear herself.

Not too long after her 52nd birthday, she arrived in McKinney, TX where she transformed into JILl. She went back to a place near where she grew up. She got the experiences of healing childhood wounds, growing up a bit, and tasting the contrasts of what she no longer wanted in her life. She discovered how very tired she was of living a life where appearances mattered. And slowly, all of her possessions were discarded.

Which led her to New Mexico by the time she turned 54. Here, she stripped down to her naked vulnerability. Here, she's uncovered JILL, who's been with her all along, but not allowed to surface fully until now.

Even as I write this I'm shaking. I'm scared. I'm choosing to live my life so openly. I'm willing to allow JILL to absolutely take over, and the roads that have shown up as a result scare jill to death. Bottom line is that I see a road opening up to me that I never considered before,  a life so very different from what I've ever had before... And yet when I look at the visions I see before me, I realize that I was born for that life. Every experience has led right to that path. Everything... And everyone...

What has happened when JILL arrived completely is this feeling that jill is no longer in control. I mean, that little presence has no say whatsoever in what happens. My feelings override every thought I have until the thoughts come around to resonating with the feelings. When I'm in a situation that no longer matches how I feel, oh sweet jesus! I get shoved right out.

The first time this happened was last Friday when I was at a coffee shop and someone I had just met was asking me to dinner. My ass was kicked right out of there. I mean that literally. That's what is so new to me about living this way. It's as if my heart truly leads, and my body is forced to follow. I couldn't breathe well when I was in that coffee shop, and as soon as I got outside, I felt this weight come off my chest. I sighed heavily (and gratefully), and then saw a vision of myself with someone in New York.

Since this was my first time to experience this kind of ass-whupping, I carried on like a two-year old throwing a tantrum. I walked down the main drag of Taos flinging my arms and yelling like a crazed lunatic. I was determined that I was not moving again. I was staying in Taos. I love everything about this place and the people here. I was not moving. Period.

And then it hit me -- for the first time in my life I was seeing myself somewhere else with someone else because I wanted that more than I wanted to be in a place I absolutely adored without him. What's even crazier is that I've seen him for just a few hours in the last 36 years. I've communicated with him somewhat regularly for the past four months or so, but I feel as if I know him so well that there's no separation between the two of us. I feel him all the time. I see him in his daily life. It's the craziest thing, and yet it feels as if this is what I've been waiting for forever. This is nothing like I've ever experienced before because there is no need involved. I'm at peace. I'm calm. I'm not questioning anything. I know. I know. I just know. And now that I can be heard, it seems words are not that necessary.

There's this fine line, a veil that's getting more and more transparent as the hours lapse where I can be here in Taos laying in my bed, and I feel his arms around me. I can be walking across the street, and he's there beside me. I used to have a constant mantra when this first started happening -- wtf? wtf? wtf? Now, it's normal. Now, if I didn't feel him or see him, maybe then I'd be chanting that mantra.

My heart feels so wide, so open it could encompass the world and then some. This is how I am to live my life. This is who I am. If it weren't for all those twists and turns, the zigzagging on this crazy path, I couldn't possibly be prepared to love this man the way I do. I couldn't possibly be able to see the utter beauty in him without all the crap I've carried for years. I had to dig deeply and allow my true self to come up and out so that I am deserving of such a man like him.

I read his words to me, and I am humbled that he has chosen to not run away. I am privileged that he experiences moments that he wants to share only with me.  It has taken me forty years to finally match the greatness within him so that we could finally be drawn together. I never said I was the sharpest tool in the shed, but I am so grateful that we have what we have with each other right now. It is the most open, calming, vulnerable, safe, and loving relationship I've ever experienced.

And, besides all of that we have this passion, this absolute crazy nuttiness for what we can do with fabric. It kept me awake last night. There is no switch to turn off when it comes to creating. My head becomes a virtual TV screen of what I could possibly do with fabric, beads, paints, fibers, etc. And to be able to share this contagious craziness with someone like him? It's beyond my wildest dreams. I've never had a man I could be so open with about what fills me and have him get it, have him feel the same way about the same thing. Un-frickin'-believable...

What if this is the way life is meant to be? What if we are to have partners who we want to confide in more than anyone else, and share a passion with, and feel him when he's physically not there, and know what he's thinking about? What if this is the way it's supposed to be? What if it's a soul union that's been waiting for the physical bodies to just catch up? And, what if every experience leads to just that? Then, how important has every person and situation been to our growth if it inevitably leads each one of us to that soul union?

If that's the case, all I can say to every person that's ever influenced me in any way, thank you immensely. I am grateful for whatever it took to get me to where I am right now, and I look forward to wherever my heart leads me next.

distractions

I've noticed that there have been situations and relationships in my life that I have not been particularly fond of. They are less than what I desire in my life, so why are they there? I was reading something fascinating tonight written by a friend of mine about soul retrieval. I've been on several shamanic journeys that have helped me tremendously with that, and to read his take on it was wonderfully refreshing. It certainly gave me a different perspective on things that have been happening to me lately.

He talked about having a part of you stuck in the past experience if it was something that kept you from being totally present. My present has not been in total awareness because I've allowed distractions that have not been healthy. Now, I question if a part of me has been attached to these relationships that have kept me from moving forward. What have I been getting out of these distractions? Attention. Ego stroking. Everything addictive, and nothing that helps me to be who I really want to be. I can remain small and have my ego stroked, or I can bust loose from these emotional handicaps and soar through my life. I'm tired of the baby steps that the attention has produced. I want leaps, jumps, escalations, exponential evolution. I want fast speed, and I want it now.

So, here I go again looking at what hasn't been doing the finest job serving my highest good, and it always boils down to boys. Distractions. Pretty to look at, but not helping me get to where I want to go when I'm too busy texting, sexting, handling phone calls, etc. It's been fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fun. I wonder if having the one in my life would be more fun. Don't get me wrong. I don't have a problem with having fun. I'm having difficulty with the amount of time and energy I've invested in things that have not gotten me where I want to go. When I settle for relationships that are not even close to what I'm looking for, then what am I doing? What am I saying about myself? When I engage in the games that feel good for the moment, I'm sacrificing what I want for the long term. When I'm too busy expending my energies playing with less than I desire, then I don't have the inclination to drive myself further and faster to who it is I want to become to be able to attract that man I so desire.

I feel like I've wasted enough already, and it's not really wasting anything. These boys have taught me what I don't want, and for that I am forever grateful. They've solidified what's important to me, and what's important are all those relationships and situations that I can't get out of my mind, especially when I lay my head down on my pillow at night. I invent a world in which I want to live. I create a being I choose to be. I inhabit a soul that flies to heights I hadn't even thought of before, and then upon awakening the next morning and reach for my phone, the same old habits arise that keep those soaring dreams from coming to fruition.

I desire a man who can reach me on a level playing field, who can show up using language that I'm familiar with, a spiritual outlook on life, a man who can make love by bringing a woman closer to her God. I desire a man who can look me in the eyes and enjoy what's being mirrored back to him, and I certainly want to be able to do the same. I want the kind of eyes that I can look at for hours and still feel weak in the knees when encountering them again.

I desire a man who sees riches in nature and not in his bank account. I desire a man who values himself more than what it is he does. I desire a man who loves so openly that there are no games, no lies, nothing besides unconditional love that flows from him easily.

I desire a man who looks at me and feels the divine within, the connection that radiates between the two of us and takes us higher than we could possibly go alone.

And, I want all of this with detachment, where he can go anywhere, do anything he wishes, and say what he pleases, and I can still love myself and him unconditionally with no rules, no jealously, and with complete freedom. Anything less is less than I deserve. No ties. No drama.

What would it take for me to attract a man like that? Who would I need to be to bring into my life someone like that?

I would love to find out.