going home

I haven't celebrated Christmas in many, many years. No Christmas tree. No Christmas dinner. Just didn't feel like it. Christmas has been just another day for most of this century. As a matter of fact, I was looking at the same kind of Christmas this year too as everyone in the compound where I live right now in Taos will be gone by Christmas. I thought I'd be here by myself -- again.

Not so anymore.

I'm moving to Oswego, New York. Heading that way on Monday. Right now my last load of laundry is being dried, and just one more suitcase to pack. I've given away even more of my stuff. I've spent my single life purging like crazy, and when I left McKinney, Texas I thought I'd purged enough of my things. Again, it's not what I thought.

All of my belongings now fit into two large suitcases and a duffel bag. I'm arriving in Oswego with no past. I've gotten rid of all journals and now most of my pictures. I've held onto a few pictures of my daughter, but all others are gone.

This move has been a no-brainer. It has come strictly from my heart. I am working with someone creating clothing from his dyed fabrics. The joy I feel from working with his masterpieces is indescribable. The passion I feel for working with him has led to something very personal. There is a connection between the two of us that has made this move across the country the easiest thing I've ever done. I am told several times a day about how cold it is there, the amounts of snow they have every winter, and how poverty-stricken the area is.

It doesn't matter. I'm moving to be with the man, not to be in the place. The love I feel for him is so deep and natural and real. It's the truest thing in my life. It's the one thing I'm more sure of than anything else. And, it's all that matters.

I'm 54 years old. I'm not a young teenager that's walking into a situation thinking it's all rosy and sweet. No, I'm looking at it as fun. This adventure is my fun time. My marriage was hard work, drudgery, and putting happiness at bay. This relationship has just been so much fun. If I could only impart the joy I feel brainstorming with him, looking at his picture of super heroes overseeing his cups of dyes, hearing about the nativity set where each figure is about one inch tall, and looking at the picture of the glass baby Jesus in front of the margarita mix bucket. He opens my world with his fascination of how macaroni could actually look like an angel. When I look at the picture he sent me, I can't help but smile and get excited about creating new Christmas memories.

This is my time to lighten up, to play, to live with boys again, create art, clothing, and accessories out of tie-dyed fabrics, to laugh incessantly, to dance to every kind of music, to plant a garden with seeds garnered from eaten vegetables, to help cook coconut battered fried chicken, to make up stories, and to love so openly that joy spills out. This is my new adventure. The train I'm taking leaves on Monday and arrives where my heart is leading me on Wednesday.

I am going home. Finally. And, home is not a place. In this case it's a man, and I get to play with him.

whatever is

I am discovering more and more that I know less and less. I’m discovering that what I think is true one moment is utterly false the next. So, when I was taught “to speak my truth” I’m not sure anymore what that could possibly be.


I’m immersed in the energy of this beautiful Native man whose philosophy is “whatever is.” Whatever is right now is whatever is. There’s no past or future to talk about really because it’s all about whatever is. And whatever is I’m discovering is malleable, so much so that it morphs into something different immediately sometimes.

While in the shower yesterday morning, I was awash with this feeling of the universe being as fluid as the water pouring over me. The words I’d been told, the people in my life just formed waves of colors around me and through me. There was nothing else but this fabric of colors. There was nothing good or bad, nothing that had to be done or said. I became quieter, inwardly calm, pulled back from the noise of the world. And still I feel as though it was my heart removed in The Last of the Mohicans, and then replaced with a newer one, one that feels clearer, one with less baggage attached.

I don’t know how many times I wish there were words for what it is I want to say. I have a degree in English. I’ve written a novel. I speak and write every single day. You’d think I’d know words for my feelings, but I’m discovering that what I’m going through is indescribable. How do I put words to the experience I had in the shower? How do I put words to how it feels when I think about this wonderful man I’ve been seeing? How do I describe how different I am every single day? This experience has been mind-blowing. I remember asking for a manual so I knew how to do this thing called life, and what I’m realizing is that my friend had it right all along – be with whatever is. In that place there are no crazy thoughts rolling around in my head. It’s just being. It’s just being okay with all because I know it’s perfect just as it is. There’s no need for crazy-making because in that beingness there are no wrong paths, no misconstrued detours. Everything is just the way it is – perfect and complete.

So, back to the shower… I knew there was something different after I had that experience. I knew I was different. I feel less inclined to participate in loud conversation. I enjoy quiet, solitude, peace, tranquility. It’s in the silence that I hear the most.

I was supposed to see my friend yesterday when we got done with all of our errands in Taos, but he let me know that he was going to be busy all day. At that moment I felt this rush of energy go through me as if I’d been shot with a tranquilizer gun. I just sat with it and breathed deeply, watching the scenery as we drove.

What I wonder is if our energies merge in a way that both of us feel it, or is it just me? The reason he couldn’t meet me was because he was doing something very spiritual, and upon reading his text to me, I immediately went into a holy realm deep within me. I might’ve participated in conversations and walked through the town, but there was this peaceful warmth that I was wrapped up in.

I don’t know if this energy is from this man, this town, or the experiences I’m going through. What I know for sure is that when I’m with him, I’m calm. I’m peaceful. I’m everything and all. I’m enough. I just am. And then, I have that same feeling when it seems to me our energies merge. I feel it more every day. I don’t know what to call it, or even if a word exists for it. Sometimes I’ll notice how differently I feel, how things just don’t affect me like they used to, and it’ll remind me of him. Can that be possible? Can it be possible for one person to “rub off” onto another like that?
This is how I feel. It’s tranquility at its deepest. I go within and surrender. There’s nothing else to do at the moment.

"...I salute the light in your eyes where the Universe dwells. When you are at the center in you, and I'm at that place within me, we shall be one."-- Crazy Horse