Dear Julia

Dear Julia,

I'm intrigued by your request, and I know how you asked me to respond. However, I've never been really great at following instructions, so instead I've chosen to answer you in this post. Your request for my naming 5-10 best restaurants worldwide got me to thinking what really does make the best restaurant in my opinion. You see, unbeknownst to you and many people who know me, I don't have a great sense of smell or taste. And, you've requested to promote my Healing Grace website, and as an author I wrote about tastes and smells. Very tricky way to live and work. I have now outed myself. A few years ago I worked in a kitchen at a local restaurant and was asked over and over to taste soups and sandwich mixtures to see what needed to be added. I got really, really good at faking it.

Here are a few restaurants that happen to be on the historic square of McKinney, Texas. They all have more than their location in common; they also have the nicest owners. I go back to these restaurants not only for the beautiful food, but because of how I'm treated. Each and every restaurant have personnel who treat customers as family. The chefs easily and kindly accommodate variations on the menus. I walk into each place and feel as if I'm home.

You also asked for pictures on Instagram, but since I don't use it I decided to do things my way -- stitch my pictures. First off, there's Rick Wells' restaurants, Rick's Chophouse and Harvest. Harvest is a farm to table restaurant where the chef made special vegan meals for three of us. Kudos to the chef!

I've lived in many states in the last few years, and no place spells love and nourishment like downtown McKinney restaurants. Karen Klassen owns Spoons Cafe and Spoons Garage celebrating the best of all comfort food like fried okra, meatloaf, and shepherd's pie. Again the owner and her staff are extremely friendly, helpful, and willing to accommodate. I used to have a studio above Spoons Garage, and what a joyful time to be able to sew, drink some downtown coffee, and take breaks in the Garage eating with friends.

There's also a sweet place that has had my heart since it opened over four years ago. I met the owners the night before they opened, and no matter how much they had to do still, they welcomed my friends and me and showed us around. Square Burger not only has a fabulous chef/owner, Craig, but also has around 30 beers on tap. Brandon, another owner, has gotten more compassionate and kinder through the years, and I didn't even know that was possible. The burgers here are gourmet and plated beautifully. I love the texture in each bite, and their sweet potato fries are truly beyond compare. I step inside and feel the love. That to me is the test of a great restaurant, and they pass with flying colors in my book. I know they've gotten all kinds of accolades for their food, but when you get fabulous food surrounded by loving people... well, it just doesn't get better than that.

I could go on and on about the restaurants on the square and their owners. Sandra and her crew have built an environment where I just want to go and sit, gathering in the warmth of everyone in the coolest place on the planet -- Snug on the Square. Thank you, Sandra.

And then there's Patina Green and their fabulous owners. What a treasure they are. You can pick up a few groceries, grab a snack, or indulge in a great meal. And you can shop in their beautiful surroundings.

Take a look at their websites to get a real idea at how spectacular they are and what they've added to the community.

Oh yeah, and before I go, you asked me to tell you how I got my website started. You actually wrote to me about my book, Healing Grace. Long story short -- I write and I stitch and sometimes I combine the two. I've been doing both since I was a kid. I studied creative writing at Harvard and at University of Colorado in Boulder. Lately, I've been doing most of my writing in my head while sewing all day long. I have a business making things for other people from chair cushions to curtains to tunics, tops, dresses, purses, pillows... and on and on. As soon as I figure out to do all that I really want to do, I'll add more writing into my schedule. My websites are Jill Luigs and The Selvage Edge. You can find my online shop here.

I hope this answers the questions you posed to me. If not, you know how to reach me.

Thanks,
Jill

P.S. And one more thing:

I couldn't stop stitching...

the wind

I am 54 years old. No spring chicken. Been around the block a time or two. So, how is it that I feel brand new?

It seems as if every single thing in my life has occurred to bring me to the moment I'm in now. I am here in NY with this man for a very great reason. I'm learning every single minute how easily love grows. It's astounding to me to feel the way I do about him. I think about him when he's not with me, and when he is, I can hardly keep my eyes (and hands) off him.

Where did this come from? I thought I'd been in love before. I thought I knew what it was like to share my life with someone. I'm finding that those beliefs are false. I'm discovering now what it means to love someone so deeply, so unconditionally that there's not a thing he can say or do that will lessen the love I feel. By opening to him, I've opened myself to the world, the most beautiful, contagiously gorgeous parts of the universe. It's a world I couldn't have wished for because I didn't know it existed.

I look back on my life as a single woman -- my real life, I call it -- and categorize my "episodes" like this: Steamboat Springs was my time for extraordinary spiritual growth and discovering who I could possibly be. The next phase, McKinney, TX, was my I-never-got-to-be-a-wild-teenager-before time, so I took the opportunity to let loose and cultivate wonderful friendships in a magical small community.

And then New Mexico hit me, and I mean that literally. My three months in NM was what I call my "hosing off" time. Apparently, the wild teenager in me needed a major hosing to integrate all the phases I had experienced so that I could be prepared for my NY experiences.

I came here to NY with three suitcases and a box. Absolutely no record of a past to speak of. Pretty amazing considering I used to live in the midst of great quantities of things. Things, things, and more things. I arrived with clothes, a few books, and essential papers. That's it. Nothing more.

However, in the 125 days I've been here, I've accumulated the greatest of all wealth. I am deeply loved by the most amazing man in the galaxy. I am rich beyond words.

I wake in the morning and look at his face. My heart fills to overflowing. I get to wake up next to him. I've never experienced such amazing wealth before moving here.

I recall my childhood with three brothers, a Catholic upbringing in the 50s, 60s, and 70s (And did I mention that it all occurred in the south of all places??), and I see myself now living in the north, non church-going without those said brothers, and I realize the transformation that has transpired. Every single experience, every moment, every breath has led to right now, right here with this man, with our art, with our love, our passion for each other and what we do. It's an extraordinary time, an amazing chance to create the perfect life with this very, very perfect man for me.

I was told by two people in Texas that I would have a relationship beyond my wildest dreams, that I would be loved like this, be given gifts regularly, and not once could I believe them. I scoffed at them actually. I had never had a man treat me with such respect or gratitude. I had no reference for that. I couldn't fathom working with a man I was in a relationship with and loving every minute of it. How could that be after working with a husband for 26 years and knowing that with each passing day, more and more of me was dying?

I was reading some messages that Dan and I had been sending to one another on FB last year before either one of us was ready to admit that there could possibly be more between us than we were letting on, and I marvelled at the genuine concern, beautiful sentiments, and glowing raves we shared with each other. We have respected each other from the very first word. We have believed in each other from the moment we saw each other's work. And now, what we have done together... I am humbled to call him my partner in business, in love, and in life. He is truly so much more than I could have ever imagined. He's allowed my freak flag to fly. He's actually encouraged it, and he truly is the wind beneath it.

what a life...

My most enjoyable moments are when Dan and I are in the house working, not together necessarily, but jumping from his room (the kitchen where he's dyeing) to the sewing room where I'm cutting and stitching away. It's been raining all day. The snow's almost gone, and it was perfect weather to stay home and dye and sew. We've got a few projects that are needing to be done this week, and I'll show you the latest "invention" -- the sleeve purse.

This one is made from a tie-dyed t-shirt for a toddler, so the sleeves are really small. Dan took the picture with the measurements visible so you can see just how tiny this bad boy is. Perfect for a cell phone, lipstick, ID, and credit card. The strap is braided decorative yarns, and I sewed a little tie-dyed fabric bead on top of the patch in the corner. This is the beginning of this line. Well, not really. We've already got some at a store here in town. However, it is the first purse from toddler sleeves.

One of the things I realized today while I was watching Dan do his magic on his dyeing table is that we both dress very similarly. Our accents are now the same. (Only the two of us can understand each other!) We have slowly melded into one another. I told him today I can hardly tell a separation between the two of us. We've even awakened in the morning from having the exact same dream. This morning I walked into the kitchen singing the freakin' Monkees theme song, and he said that melody had been going through his head.

Here's one of my regular views, and apparently it was taken quite awhile ago, because I'm looking out the window now, and there's just traces of snow. The lake is flowing like crazy and not a piece of ice to be seen.

I have to admit that there is nothing as cute, warm, and homey as McKinney's square. I think of it often and remember having coffee in Spoons Garage, listening to Broken Code or Buzz at Cadillac's, having a UFO at Square Burger, and the list can (and does) go on and on. However, there is something about this town that draws me like no other. I am not really sure why I'm here except to be with Dan. It just feels very strongly that there's more to it than that, even though that's a huge reason. It's been life-altering. I told him last night that it feels like I'm more me than I've ever been when I'm connecting with him. When I touch him it's as if I'm plugging into who I really am. I've never experienced this before, so I find it extraordinary.

Happy doesn't even come close to the way I feel here.

I pull my hair back, throw on a few layers, and get to playin' in my room. The design wall behind me in this picture has parts of several commissioned pieces pinned to it. And, as you can tell I'm rarely alone. Just when I think it's safe to turn around without a flash aimed at me, there's Dan with the camera. I've never had so many pictures taken of me before. I was the photographer, so I was the invisible one. With Dan, I'm the subject.

Tonight's a night on the campus to see a documentary, and first thing in the morning off we go to see an art exhibit in Syracuse with his class. Afterwards we'll replenish our energy, and then commence with the drinking and dancing to live music.

Every day is a full one with Dan. Every night even fuller. I am at this very moment the absolute fullest I've ever been, and I just know it's only just begun...

Oh yeah, and here's one of the pieces now. The beginnings of this one is right behind my head on the design wall in the picture above this one. This is made exclusively from someone's clothing. The middle diamond is part of his handkerchief with his embroidered initials. His name starts with an "H" so I designed this piece to resemble an "H". The red is from an LL Bean chamois shirt. The blue plaid behind the circles are from a nightshirt as is the small squares and circles. The larger circles are from his ties, and then there's the bandanna strips.

Unbeknownst to the person who has commissioned me to do these pieces, I've also made a couple of items for her children from their grandfather's clothing also.

Here's a little purse for her daughter made of the pocket off that LL Bean chamois shirt. Of course, I had to sew in some tie-dyed fringe. The strap is made from decorative yarn and a strip of another shirt.

This is a zipper bag made from her father's overalls with the knee patch still intact. The zipper is from one of Dan's son's pants. You can see it a bit on the left side of the picture, and the lining is fabric from my friend's husband's shirt.

This has been an amazing experience to work with this man's clothing. I did not know him, and have only known his daughter since moving here, but from what I can feel while working on these items, this man was genuinely compassionate. What an absolute pleasure to be able to make these wall hangings, etc. I don't take this lightly. I've spent most of my adult life in anger, displeasure... just yuck. And now, I get to enjoy what I do with such magnitude AND with a man that truly is my magnifier -- he magnifies my joy, my level of happiness and sincerest love. I am awed. I am grateful. I am just blissed out. What a life...

milestones...

Today marks a milestone. I've been here in NY with Dan for 84 days, one day longer than I was in New Mexico. It's also the day before Texas Independence Day and Dan's birthday. Several milestones, I guess. I've never celebrated Texas Independence Day or Dan's birthday before. Again, new experiences, and believe me, celebrating with Dan is always a new experience. Because today is his last day to be 54, I want to dedicate this time and this space to the man that I am privileged to live with and to call my own. Ah...

Today we got our second piece of mail with both our names on it. I don't know quite how to describe what that felt like. I looked at both our names with an "and" sign in the middle, sent to one address. I know I live here with him. I wake up with him every morning. I go to bed with him every night. I call this home. This is where I want to encrust a few roots. Then I see our names typed together on a mailing label from a local museum where we are now members, and I feel as if the Universe is agreeing with me. We belong together. We sooooo belong together.

I'm working on a few commissioned pieces right now, and he's been documenting every step of the way. I've put up a design wall in my studio space so I can view the makings of the wall hangings from hour to hour, moment by moment. And before I know it, Dan's taking pictures of the progression of the strips, the circles, the squares, and the rectangles. I'm making five wall hangings and one pillow out of someone's father's clothing. He was a surgeon and a hunter, so I have a collection of silk ties and camo, dress shirts and overalls, not to mention the bright hunter orange shirt. Dan has given me advice, listened to my musings, and put up with whining when I couldn't figure out why I wasn't pleased with the pieces.




way before a million changes


I've never had this in my life. I've never had a man who was so encouraging to my artist whims. I've never had someone want to be a part of this growing experiment of making wall art from clothing. He has provided me with solitude when he knew I needed it and an ear when I needed to be heard.

We discovered each other when we were 54 years old, when we least expected it, when we both fought the inevitable. When we surrendered to the fact that we were meant to be together, it was (and continues to be) truly magical, and the easiest thing we both have ever done.

It's been 84 days of bliss, of extraordinary education in art, of stretching myself, and of allowing the most beautiful man into my life. I've grown my sewing space, and I've grown my imagination. The latest things I've done with his tie-dyes have yet to be completely finished, but I'll unveil the happenings here.




tie-dyed fabric beads


If it weren't for Dan Leo, I would not be where I am right now or who I am right now. I love it all more than I've loved any of it before. I've never felt like I belong like I do here, and believe me I knew I belonged in McKinney, Texas, so just imagine what my belonging in this place to this man feels like!

We're working on a name for our business. We thought we had it twice already. However, both names were already taken, so now back to square one. In the meantime, I'll keep posting our latest works and our latest comings and goings.

You know, people have always told me that if they knew what it was like to be a grandparent they would have chosen that first. Well, if I'd ever known what it was like to love this man and live with this man like I do, I would have done it first. But because we met up when we'd both been through a lot, after tremendous growth and pain, we have created a life together that is beyond compare. I could never have had this kind of relationship without first experiencing all that I didn't want first. So, to all that participated in that challenging growth, I thank you because right here, right now I'm the happiest I've ever been. This is right where I belong.

going home

I haven't celebrated Christmas in many, many years. No Christmas tree. No Christmas dinner. Just didn't feel like it. Christmas has been just another day for most of this century. As a matter of fact, I was looking at the same kind of Christmas this year too as everyone in the compound where I live right now in Taos will be gone by Christmas. I thought I'd be here by myself -- again.

Not so anymore.

I'm moving to Oswego, New York. Heading that way on Monday. Right now my last load of laundry is being dried, and just one more suitcase to pack. I've given away even more of my stuff. I've spent my single life purging like crazy, and when I left McKinney, Texas I thought I'd purged enough of my things. Again, it's not what I thought.

All of my belongings now fit into two large suitcases and a duffel bag. I'm arriving in Oswego with no past. I've gotten rid of all journals and now most of my pictures. I've held onto a few pictures of my daughter, but all others are gone.

This move has been a no-brainer. It has come strictly from my heart. I am working with someone creating clothing from his dyed fabrics. The joy I feel from working with his masterpieces is indescribable. The passion I feel for working with him has led to something very personal. There is a connection between the two of us that has made this move across the country the easiest thing I've ever done. I am told several times a day about how cold it is there, the amounts of snow they have every winter, and how poverty-stricken the area is.

It doesn't matter. I'm moving to be with the man, not to be in the place. The love I feel for him is so deep and natural and real. It's the truest thing in my life. It's the one thing I'm more sure of than anything else. And, it's all that matters.

I'm 54 years old. I'm not a young teenager that's walking into a situation thinking it's all rosy and sweet. No, I'm looking at it as fun. This adventure is my fun time. My marriage was hard work, drudgery, and putting happiness at bay. This relationship has just been so much fun. If I could only impart the joy I feel brainstorming with him, looking at his picture of super heroes overseeing his cups of dyes, hearing about the nativity set where each figure is about one inch tall, and looking at the picture of the glass baby Jesus in front of the margarita mix bucket. He opens my world with his fascination of how macaroni could actually look like an angel. When I look at the picture he sent me, I can't help but smile and get excited about creating new Christmas memories.

This is my time to lighten up, to play, to live with boys again, create art, clothing, and accessories out of tie-dyed fabrics, to laugh incessantly, to dance to every kind of music, to plant a garden with seeds garnered from eaten vegetables, to help cook coconut battered fried chicken, to make up stories, and to love so openly that joy spills out. This is my new adventure. The train I'm taking leaves on Monday and arrives where my heart is leading me on Wednesday.

I am going home. Finally. And, home is not a place. In this case it's a man, and I get to play with him.

fabric magic

While I sit in front of the windows I see the amazing plants outside. I don't know the names of any of them because I haven't taken the time yet to really get to know this place called Taos. One of my neighbors is a Taos history buff, and listening to him makes me want to go to the library and absorb everything I can find on Taos. This town was built on, by, and with very courageous and powerful women, women who chose to live life differently, no matter what the cost. I don't know how courageous or powerful I am but I certainly feel like I live my life differently than the majority.

The heads of the bushes outside the window right in front of me look like bouffant hairdos on little old ladies. I would love to trim them and dip them into a can of shellac and hang to dry. Their stems are so tiny and fragile, and yet the blossoms are large and bushy. I watch them wave in the wind, and am amazed at how easily those tiny stems hold up such massive heads.

They dance in the breeze with such grace. They swing in unison like the Rockettes.  They look as if they're nodding yes to me, and I don't even know what question they seem to be answering. Yes! Just yes.

Yes is my new word. I say yes often. I say yes to the next possibility and the next one and the next one. I just keep saying yes, and the possibilities become profound. I've learned to dance on shifting carpet, as my friend Tom Crum taught me. I've learned that the path I'm to be on just took a sharp detour into the dark woods, and god only knows what's on the other side. I take it anyway.

I have deliberately and consciously chosen to lead from my heart, and I've learned to stop questioning where it leads. Instead, I just jump on that train and hang on for the ride. I always seem to know when to jump off and pick up another one.

I don't feel anything is permanent in my life. I don't believe in "death us do part." My life turns on a dime, and what I'm seeing is how much the new train rides are taking me down tracks I've been on before, but this time I'm riding with more knowledge, wisdom, and compassion. I may have the same name but I'm not even close to being the same person.

I'm back to sewing like a fiend again. I came to Taos without any supplies or machines, and lo and behold, I have access to three machines, a beautiful working gallery, and loads of fabrics. Hm... Didn't I get off at that station once before? The difference this times is the depth of my imagination and creativity. I seem to have opened myself up in a way that helps me see how I can turn just about anything into something that can be worn or used. The reactions I get from people who see my work astound me. I'm realizing that they've never seen this kind of work before. This town is full of artists, and yet it seems I've brought something to town that's very different than what's shown up before.

Well, it certainly amazes me when I'm done with a piece, and what I'm noticing is that it's not just me doing it. There are several people involved. For instance, yesterday while working in the store, I had torn strips of silk, knotted them, and then braided them together. I had also gathered circles of them into flowers. While I was twisting the braided pieces together a young customer came in, looked at it, and said, "Oh, that's a fabric necklace!"

Well, it was news to me, but that's exactly what it turned into. When I showed it to others after I'd finished sewing the flowers and buttons onto it, it really was a fabric necklace like nothing any of us had seen before. I am not alone in this venture. This is community. I have a bag of silk scraps from Katie. My dresser is filled with dried twigs, cactus pods, and sage from the mountains. I have a mica pot from Taos Pueblo clay for its magic to fill the room. And, best of all, I have a pile of Dan's tie-dyed t-shirts sitting beside me on the bed. I know just what I want to do with them as soon as I get to the gallery today. I designed a skirt from knit designer fabric swatches while I lived in McKinney, and now I want to cut up the t-shirts to make more. Put primary colored thread in the serger and off I go. It's taking me so long to type this because I keep stopping and visualizing those skirts. Some of the shirts have holes in them, and I want to zigzag stitch the holes in wild-colored threads to add even more texture. The pictures in my head are making my heart beat faster. With the scraps left over I want to try my hand at more fabric necklaces and belts.

Okay, okay.... I've gotta go. I have to get to town so I can cut up some t-shirts.

Does place matter?

Years ago I was asked if place mattered, if a place could make you happy. Now, I don't believe anything outside myself is responsible for my happiness. I do know that certain people or situations can certainly broaden my smile, and other experiences can make a smile difficult to form. However, if I were not human ever, then I'd have to say place or anything else did not matter at all because I could be happy all the time no matter what.


I just happen to be human also. I have some very human moments, and just what a kick they happen to be.

What I've been discovering is just how unnecessary it is to get dramatic about how things look. For instance, Tammy and I no longer have phone service today. I smile anyway and want to see how clever the universe is in getting me the information I am to know today. God knows, the one thing the universe does not need to communicate with me is a phone. I'm waiting to hear from a future employer, but it won't be by phone now. I have some of my artwork at a new store, and the owner was going to call me today about selling them there. Well, it won't be by phone.

This has offered me another opportunity to be less available in the "normal" channels. I won't go into why the phone was disconnected because every human involved with the situation has a different story, and the stories don't matter. None of the stories matter. None.

So, back to a place making me happy... I moved to Taos only knowing Tammy. Why did I move here? Don't know that one completely, just know that it felt good. It still feels good. It feels right. I look back on who I was being in McKinney, Texas, and I not only don't recognize that person, but I truly don't like the memories I have of her.

I used to party a lot on the square. There was always drinking and eating going on there. That's what we did. At the end of the day it was always about where we were going to go that night and who we were going to drink with. That's how I remember it. I haven't had a sip of any alcohol whatsoever since my birthday party in late September. I didn't drink much in Steamboat Springs, Colorado where I lived before arriving in McKinney. As a matter of fact, I don't think I drank like that since I had been in college.

Steamboat and Taos have both been very spiritual places for me. Taos even more so. The level of art is escalated here. I feel that goes hand in hand, at least it does for me. My art is a form of spirituality for me. It takes me to a place I can't go to in any other way. What's interesting though is that I moved out here with no art/sewing supplies whatsoever. I keep stripping down my material life. It's fascinating because I'm learning how to live life totally differently. I thought I was going to come out here and do energy work and not be an artist when what I have done is use my energy in my latest art creations. My energy here is so profound that it knocks me off my feet sometimes. The energy in Taos is palpable. I feel the shift in my own energy since moving here. I'm discovering that this is the case with most people. What takes people years to transform in other places occurs here within days. That's how it's been for me.

Does Taos make me happy? I make me happy. Taos resonates with my energy though. Taos and I are one sometimes. I don't need to do energy work here. I am an energy billboard here. No matter what I do or say or have or be, I am all that's necessary right here, right now. I have it all within. I've never felt this way until moving here. It's a complete package of peace and tranquility wrapped up so nicely.

When I explain to people here how I've been feeling, they nod their heads. They tell me welcome home. They embrace me. This is something I've not experienced before. I used to be very careful with what I said because I was tired of the strange looks or the constant questions. Here, I hardly even finish a statement when the person I'm speaking with agrees with me. Sometimes I can't finish a sentence because it's just not necessary. Words aren't always essential here. It's the unspoken understanding, the smile, a gentle hand on the shoulder, that makes me realize that this is the only place I can be right now for the growth that I've gone through, the relationships I've developed, and the peace I've embodied. With everything stripped away, I can only see the trust I have in the Universe. I am totally taken care of with or without a phone. Phoneless, I must put myself out there to talk to those I need to face to face. What a concept! I have to look in their eyes while giving and getting information. I make connections with them that I couldn't possibly do on a phone or through emails.

My life here has centered around human contact while totally sober. I've learned to adjust my body to the different energy here. I feel things so much stronger. I feel people who aren't even here physically. And in Taos, those feelings are normal. I don't have to explain myself here. I am where I belong right now. I have the prospect of having a future boss that is phenomenal in the loving people department. I have the ability to go to work and not have a single thing matter as much as radiating compassion and understanding to every single person I encounter. This is what I'm here for right now. This is all that matters at this moment. To love no matter what. It's really easy to love when I'm being loved, and now I'm doing it when the" being loved" is disguised as something else.

So today begins another new way of showing up in this fantasy called life. I've adapted to not having a car, and now I'll do it with a phone that acts as a timepiece. I am grateful. I am just so grateful to see how beautifully the magic will unfold today.

And, yes, place does matter.

baby steps

When I got up this morning, the sun shone through the windows, the coffee was already brewed and waiting for me. I felt brand new, whole, complete, and ready to flow through the day. I sat down with my coffee and laptop, turning to Facebook, and there was a picture my daughter posted of her pets. And then I cried like a baby.

I am who I am. I am a sucker for those two animals. I remember what it was like to wake up with dog tail slapped across my face or a kitty paw on my nose. The dog, Moo, has been with me through some pretty tough times. He was with me when I left a 32-year relationship. It was his barking behind the front door of the house that made me cry as I drove down the driveway away from him. My heart breaks open right now just remembering his scratching on the window as I got into my car. He begged to go with me. I had to hold him back as I shut the front door to the house. It was a long drive to Steamboat, and I cried the whole way.

I am an opened book. I have no poker face. And, I love so easily. I fall in love over and over and over. Those two little faces make my arms yearn to hold them. Heck, I'd even take an unexpected pounce in my lap right now. But, I chose to leave again. After spending almost two years with my daughter, I chose to move to New Mexico. I make decisions very quickly and without any hesitation or plans. I just do it, so in September I picked up and moved with Tammy, and if it weren't for the drama of an ex, I probably would've been crying across the state line that time too.

The way I choose to live my life has not been easy. It hasn't been easy for my family or for me, but it's what I know I have to do. I have no explanations. I just know that it's right for me to be where I am right now as much as I miss my daughter, her pets, and McKinney, I am meant to be here.

Not for one moment do I disregard what my time on the square in McKinney was like for me. I cherish my memories and the friends I made there. I think of them often, and I know that where I am now is perfect.

And where am I? Well, every moment that's a new experience... My former lives seemed to provide stability for me. Marriage had this cloak of permanence and belonging that masked the smothering I felt. I could sleep through my days in the sense that I was not awakened to what it was I really wanted. I was in survival mode, and since being single, I've been learning how to walk.

I'm brand new. I lived all my life until 9/11/06 according to what others wanted. I chose that. I chose to spend my time pleasing others and ignoring me. I did that all by myself. And now, after four years on my own, I'm taking baby steps to discover how to walk unattended. And sometimes that includes tears. Oh well... so fucking what... I am who I am, for better or worse. Here I am, like me or not. I am right here, right now, taking teeny steps forward because tears are blurring my vision.

what if?

"Your Source Energy is always giving you exactly what you need in the particular now moment you happen to be in. However, so often you don't receive it because you are somewhere else. When you are not present in the now moment it is akin to not being home. When Source knocks on your door, you do not hear it. For any problem you have, Source already has the solution. But, you must be home to receive it." Thank you, Kristopher Raphael

This struck me so clearly this morning (as most of Kristopher's statements do) because I recognized in me this need to be able to "see into the future" and determine where my steps would lead. I'm saying this because of something interesting that happened yesterday. First of all, I've attracted someone into my life that just doesn't play the games I'm used to playing with men. There are no games with him. There is this adherence to being in the present moment and being there so completely that there is nothing else. In his words, "being with all that is." He shows up as he is in every moment. There's no guessing what's going on, or what he "really" means when he says something because with him what he speaks are the words he means at that very moment. Period. The way he treats me is the way he means to at that very moment. And, when we're not together there are no moments of angst about what each other's thinking or anything else because he is in that moment that he's in. He is that present, and he's teaching me about the peace that is.

Being in that present moment allows such clarity of what's going on around us. Sitting on the bed last night talking with him about something that occurred yesterday that before would've sent me over the edge, instead gave me lovely moments to share with a very present and purposeful man. He's teaching me that peace is the energy of allowing. Being peace is Source energy, where we come from, what we're here to live in, wrap ourselves in, and just be. When I'm in that place of peacefulness, I see more clearly because I'm not caught up in the emotions of the people around me, and there are no emotions that erupt within. I am calm. I am needing nothing. I am purely present.

I remember reading the Power of Now back in McKinney, Texas, and before that when I was married. I really had no experience of feeling that complete and utter present. That still moment. That just being. And now I do. It's in the experiencing of it that I've learned what it feels like, and the feeling of it has altered how I look at my world. I can hear the words of naysayers, and instead of getting emotionally defensive, I look at what in them is triggering the charge within me. What in me needs to be healed? They are just these magnificent beings here to help me move to my next transformation. How lovely is that? And this time the words come from someone I have held so closely to my heart all of her life. My daughter. I adore this young woman. She is one of the most amazing beings I have ever had experiences with, and I am that privileged to call myself her mother. She is my greatest gift even now when her words are harsh and angry. She's teaching me to open my heart even more, to love unconditionally no matter what is being said. She's showing me how to be loving and compassionate and all-embracing no matter what, and because of that I have attracted into my life a very conscious, intentional man who is the epitome of being what is.

What if we were truly able to see others as reflections of ourselves instead of enemies? What in them is charging us? What if we were to look at the circumstances around us in that way? Could there be peace? What if we were more concerned about being peace instead of trying to create it in others? What if we were more determined to be the people we are here to be rather than trying to get others to adjust to what it is we want? What if we made unconditional love our top priority instead of the almighty dollar?

What if indeed...

Transparency

"We are earth people on a spiritual journey to the stars. Our quest, our earth walk, is to look within, to know who we are, to see that we are connected to all things, that there is no separation, only in the mind." -Lakota


I was reading postings on my FB wall when I came across this one shared by Cheryl Janecky. Interesting that I had just journaled about that very thing. I've made friends with a Lakota medicine man and have fallen in love with me all that more because there is no separation, except in my mind. He is peace. He knows who he is and knows the connection with us all. By knowing him, I know myself. By loving him, I love myself. With him there is quiet euphoria and the questions disappear when I truly lay myself open before him.

The difficulty I've had has been to be that laid out and honest, that authentic and purely open. I find myself running for cover in superficial conversations. Really, really? I say this is what I want, and he shows up, and I play less than? Is this what it means to be careful what you wish for?

I choose to step up and meet him where he is. I choose better for myself. I choose the best for myself, and right now it feels right to choose what he brings into my life. To match him, I must be authentic. To me that means that I must speak and feel from my heart, not my head. Stop myself before opening my mouth or doing anything, and listen within. What feels good? Respond to him, his energy, in kind. He speaks from his heart. He loves openingly. His eyes tell all. They are a sea of compassion, of kindness, and if that's what I see, then it's in me. We are one. The separation exists only in my mind, and when I get out of my head, I see the best parts of me. I see myself as unconditional love. I see myself as that compassionate being, that person that oozes loving energy. When I acknowledge who I really am, how can I be anything else? How can it be any different for you? We are made of the same fabric.

I sit here at this beautiful dining room table with dahlias overseeing my typing, small aircraft flying outside the window, and adobe houses lining the streets. I'm listening to Native American chants through my earbuds, and I'm flying high. In a previous life I would be chastising myself for wasting time not doing anything on my to-do lists. I don't have to-do lists anymore. My heart's in charge now. My heart is my guidance, my boss, my supervisor, my CEO. And because of that, I've attracted the most amazing people in my life. I've been given the opportunity to raise the bar over and over with how I show up in the world. I choose to keep raising it. I belong higher, and the higher I go the higher I want to go.

Someone told me that there was no reason for me to leave McKinney, Texas where I'd been living near her. She told me that I could have everything I wanted right there. She said I was running away from something, and I was taking myself with me. She told me that I would end up just in another place and still unhappy with myself and with the place. All I can say to that now is that I could have never experienced (and did not experience) any of this in Texas. There is an energy here like I've never experienced before. There are people here like I've never met before, and I have become someone I've never been before, and becoming even more the person I really want to be. The peace within is what I carry now. That is all I carry. I've gotten rid of everything else, and I keep encountering layers of what's not peace every now and then, and get the chance to remove it. I go deeper and deeper within. I excavate. I am quiet. I am silent. I sit on a boulder on a mountain soaking in the sun. I hear the ravens overhead. I see the hawks circling, and I come to know me even more.

There is no bank account, car, house, alcoholic drinks, person, lover, etc. that can bring to me the peace I have cultivated within. It wasn't until I became that peace, that love, that all-encompassing energy body that all these people showed up in my life. When I became what I wanted, I made room for these experiences of what authentic love looks like.

No one's eaten me yet...

Today is the first day of finally being totally in Santa Fe. Tammy and I had to make a sudden trip back to McKinney for the last of our things. I gave up a lot of my stuff because there just wasn't the room for it. However, what I learned from that experience is more detachment. More letting go. I'm discovering over and over how little material things mean to me. I have finally let go of absolutely everything materially and in relationships. That was the really tough one, but have discovered that the only way for me to move forward in my own way, from my own heart and no one else's was to do what felt right for me. It has been met with so much criticism and judgment. I've been called a lot of things by those who I thought loved me the most.

Well, new lesson for me. Love those! So, I'm here in the Land of Enchantment blessed by more than I thought possible. The more I choose to let go of, the more that comes my way. I've made new family already here. The first place we entered welcomed us to the Mother ship, and the second place became our second home. It's a little coffee shop with the best coffee in the world. The first sip gave me an orgasm, and the owner was thrilled to hear it! He asked me to write a review using those words exactly, and he told me just now that friends and customers have loved the review. Well now, I'm certainly not in McKinney anymore.

I am a woman who speaks from the heart, and those words come unscripted a lot of times. I had no idea that life could be so open and honest and lovingly accepted like it is here. I was given a homemade copper necklace by the coffee shop owner, Dave, today. A welcome home present. I am home. Home for now as McKinney was home to me at one time too.

I've been accused of being flighty, and I can certainly see why people think that, but the way I see it is that my life shifts so quickly that what is true for me one minute gets altered the next. I'm learning to be flexible, light, and easy to move. I don't know how long I'll be here. I don't know all the things that I'll be doing while here or all of those I'll be doing it with, but what I do know is that I lead from my heart. I'm not constricted by what I own or owe, not by who I love or who loves me. I am free and mobile, and for the first time in my life open to all possibilities. I'm learning this lifestyle requires a lot of courage. I've learned to let go of relationships that I thought were solid. I've learned to just let go. White-knuckling it has just been an illusion. My feet have always rested on the ground while my fingers were clinging to the edge of the cliff. It wasn't until I let go that I felt how solid the ground really is.

I'm here in a new place with lots of new people and new adventures. There are certainly moments of being scared. I'm not going to lie about that, but I breathe through them and what shows up on the other end is just magical. I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's. I love everything about what's in front of me right now, including being scared at times. I step forward anyway. No one's eaten me yet...

You raise me up...

Floating through life, that's what my friend Tammy Davis and I are doing here. We're showing up and seeing what happens. Everything we thought we were going to be doing here has fallen apart, and the new keeps unfolding. The lessons, the epiphanies, the life-altering moments, everything is course correcting. We're learning to drop the oars and just float downstream. There's nothing else to do. Absolutely nothing.

I first met Tammy three months ago today in the alley beside Coffee 'n Cream in McKinney, Texas. I was working in my studio above a restaurant on the square called Spoons making aprons, purses, bags, wall hangings, and anything else that came to my mind and slipped out my fingers. I had no intention of ever going back into the health care world. I was an artist, not a healer. Not after working in a healing facility for 26 years or working with a shaman for almost two years, not after getting certified in Integrated Energy Therapy and doing a study on the effects of energy on the physical body. Nope. Wasn't going back into that field.

And then, about a week later I was "trapped" in the spa sitting in the front room having energy flow in and out of me in waves forming the infinity symbol. It amped me up so much that I had to grab the next person that came out of any treatment room and shoot the energy out my hands all over her. An hour later we both thought we needed a cigarette. It was that explosive, that powerful, and that life-altering. It was something I knew I had to do. It was something that shot into me and wasn't going to let me go. I began to feel other's energy fields whether they were near me or not. I was discovering a way to make love without another body present. I was having night time visitors that were not in their physical bodies telling me things that only they would know, and then I would discover how true it really was after going on with my life the following days.

That's how I spent my summer. And then I shut down my studio and worked in the health care facility with my daughter, Tammy, and others. That's when everything began to amp up even more until Tammy found herself being called to Santa Fe. Suddenly, I was on the road with her. I had felt my pull back to Colorado. However, after a "hunting" trip to Santa Fe, I jumped on Tammy's train. I had to go where she was heading. I had never been to Santa Fe before, never yearned for it before, but knew, just knew I had to go with her.

The night before I left I had dinner with someone from high school that I hadn't seen since graduation. He treated me like no man had ever treated me before. He raised the bar so high that no one I had ever experienced before could even come close to touching it.

What's interesting about these turn of events is that each man in my life has increased the development of who I'm necessary to be to be open to what's been coming my way here. He not only showed me what I deserve, but what I know I deserve. Before him, I didn't know a man could treat a woman like he did, and now I know I deserve nothing less.

In high school he liked me. I knew he liked me, but how could I trust that when I didn't even like me? It goes with that saying, "I wouldn't belong to a club that would have me." So, forty years later I not only like me, but I so enjoy being treated with the utmost consideration and respect. I was with a man for thirty-two years, and was never shown the amount of respect in that time by my husband than I was by this man in one night.

"You raise me up to more than I can be." I used to listen to Josh Groban sing those lyrics, and I was totally confused to how that could be. How could you possibly be raised to more than you can be? How could that happen? I don't know the answer to that, but what I do know is that I feel that I have been raised up to more than I can be. And, while living here in Santa Fe these past few days, I'm discovering over and over and over just how powerful a place that is.

time to weep...

I keep thinking I'm going to run out of tears, but they keep flowing. When I least expect it, down my face they run as if they're in a race. I wonder how much weight I've lost from spilling out all these tears. I walk to Square Burger as if I'm under water, everything blurred by welled-up eyes. I don't know how to make it stop, and maybe it's not necessary. What if this is how it works to say good bye to so many people I love? Oh, my heart keeps breaking over and over and over. Just as it feels okay to breathe again, there goes another round of such deep grief that I feel as if I can't take another step.

Why can't I have everyone I love be with me? How can I move to Santa Fe and take part of McKinney with me? I don't want to live without Square Burger and Brandon. Thinking about being without him breaks my heart in two. When I was in Santa Fe last week I got a taste of what it's going to be like without my seat at the bar and my arms around him. I don't like how that feels. I don't want to live without him. The tears are flowing steadily right now. My dad died of a heart attack, and I just wonder how different that pain is from how my heart feels right now. My heart hurts. It just hurts, and I don't know what else to do about it.

I sit with the pain. I sit here and describe it and feel it intensely. It's the only way I know to excavate. I can't run from it. I want to dig it up and spit it out, so I can move on. This is baggage I don't want to take with me. I want to show up in Santa Fe as complete and whole as I can possibly be. I want to arrive with my authenticity intact, not shy at all about being me and shining through. I want to land there with arms wide open, heart blossomed, and totally trusting that all falls into place.

I keep loving. I keep falling in love with my life, with this town, with these people, and still I volunteer to go because my heart leads me to Santa Fe with Tammy and the magic there. I do not say good bye to McKinney. I don't say good bye to anyone because this time when I leave, I know I'll be coming back.

Time to leap

I'm moving to Santa Fe on 9/11/10. It's exciting, exhilarating, thrilling, and also very sad. You see, this is the first time in my life that I'm moving away from a place that I love and more importantly people that I absolutely treasure. Tonight was one of those nights that brought it right home to me.

After working all day I went out with a dear friend to have some beer at Churchill's, a local pub on the square. To my wonderful surprise I got to see someone I am truly so in love with. I just look at him and my heart melts. I call him my son, but his real name is Aaron. I wasn't expecting to see him tonight, but it broke my heart open to have him wrap me in his arms and hold me close when I told him I was moving. I told him I'd be back several times before I left, and next time I'll bring my camera. I want pictures of us together to take with me.

This place, this square holds my heart nicely. I walked past the MPAC, the large building in the middle of the square to get to my most favorite place here, Square Burger. I had to see Brandon. I told him that I would stop by every day before I left. Holding him made my heart break open even more.

I love easily. To me there's so much to love, so many to cherish, and I'm betting that in the next two weeks, my heart busts open a little more each day to make room for all the love I feel for these people right here in McKinney.

I'm leaving two months shy of being here two years. I'm still in disbelief that I would consider leaving here, but there are so many doors opening for me elsewhere. I am driven to move on. This time I will not say good bye. This time it won't be celebrating seeing McKinney in my rear view mirror. However, seeing the Rocky Mountains through my windshield will be exhilarating. I'm moving towards something so thrilling to me that there are times I can't sleep at night. I believe in a world so full of magical possibilities that I can't wait to see what lies ahead, so I'm moving towards it. I'm showing up in a world I've only seen once before a couple of days ago. I'm arriving with what I can bring with me, and I'm throwing open my arms and welcoming in the new adventure, whatever it may be.

This will be my third move in four years. In my childhood I lived in the same house from third grade until high school graduation. While married I lived in the same town from 1980 until I entered singledom in 2006, so you see I'm used to be settled in for years. I'm used to having one day look the same as the next until I moved to Steamboat on 9/11/06. Life hasn't been the same since.

And now a new venture lurks on the horizon. Again I'm packing up my stuff, and with each move there's less to take to the next place. This is the first move I'm making without a big truck and big boys. This time I take me and the few essentials. This time I travel light. This time I take with me the most important piece of the puzzle -- me, everything else is extra.

I go to Santa Fe willingly. It's not where I thought I'd be next, but it's the place for me to be next. I need to be in an environment that embraces my work, and a place where I can easily, with no man distractions, build my practice. This isn't a time for me to heal so much as it is a place for me to grow, expand, and really soar. It's time for me to stop making noises and step up to the plate. It's time for me to show up as the person I've always wanted to be. It's time for me to love so fully, be so ripe with possibilities, and spread my arms wide to welcome it all in because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that magnificence awaits me.

It's time to leap.

Again.

being peace

A few months after moving to McKinney my daughter took up MMA fighting, and during her first fight I was seriously trying not to lose my mind. All I could think of was when she was first born and I got to see her for the very first time. She was perfect, the sweetest round face that was totally unblemished with no lacerations or bruising. I remember how the hair at the nape of her neck would curl around my finger, and how she would lay her hand on my breast while she ate. I'd never seen such beautifully perfect eyelashes or such luscious deep blue eyes. I was in love for the very first time, the kind where there was no ability for it to lessen. It expanded with every second until it could no longer be contained.

And I sat on the couch that night while she was in Arkansas. I surfed the net doing everything I could to not think about what would be happening soon. I kept checking my cell phone, watching the time, reading her texts that let me know when her fight time was approaching.

The first time she ever hurt herself she was eight months old. She had fallen on the heater vent in the floor and cut her knee. We didn't even have band-aids. She screamed bloody murder, and as her father held her, I ran to the store to get the first of many first-aid supplies. I would never get used to the bites, the bruises, the cuts, the fractures, or the surgeries. I would stay up with her all night, hold her until she fell asleep, and never once think of doing anything else.

And then, as a grown woman she chose to get in a ring with another woman and get the shit beat out of her while I sat on the couch just breathing and checking my cell over and over. I don't remember exhaling fully until after she called to let me know she was all right.

Sometimes I still don't breathe deeply because I feel the hurt in her heart. Like this morning when I called her dad who I haven't spoken with in three and a half years. It would only be because of her that I would speak with him again. I told him the reason I was calling, and he went into his usual speak ease like he'd done all the years I was with him. I asked him if it was at all possible for him to show up with an open heart and with great compassion for his daughter, and he went right into a spiel about how divorces affect children no matter what the age.

I know he loves her. I know he loves her so much more than he can ever express, and that may be all that she can get from him. What I would love to see is for her to be able to see her father's traits in her and truly love them. She may never have a relationship with him, but if she could possibly see the greatness within herself, knowing that some of it came from him and appreciate it all anyway. Whew! What a gift. What a gift...

So, in the past almost thirty years I've seen my daughter get injured in so many ways, but it's when her heart is affected that it brings out in me the need to step in. So, I reached for the phone and dialed her father's number, one I still know by heart. I can't control how he handles this or what he does with this information, but I do know this. It was easy to talk with him. It felt good to let him know what was going on with his daughter, and it was a real moment when after hanging up, I felt calm. I was peace. Now that, my friends, was the finest gift yet.

About last night...

A guy I went to high school with had a birthday yesterday. After 21 comments back and forth to each other on Facebook, we continued with texting on and off throughout the day and night, and into early morning for me. We texted a lot about metaphysics, which led to past lives and Indians. Anyone who knows me well, knows how strongly I relate to those subjects. Indians became a constant topic of conversation and transformation for me while I lived in Steamboat, and apparently it didn't end there.

To make a really long story as short as I can, this friend yesterday brought up specific things that related to what I had seen during my shamanic journeys. It has since put me in another place mentally and emotionally. I haven't stopped thinking about it. When I least expected it, when I was so focused on possibly beginning a new relationship with someone local, this man in Colorado plugs into visions I had not even thought about in a long time. The energy that rose while texting each other is still ramping up. I pace the floor like a caged animal because it is so powerful. There was a connection made last night through the help of technology that has shifted everything.

"When you least expect it, from the most unlikely place, he will show up." This is what a psychic told me May of '08. Well, let me say that it is the most unlikely person and the most unlikely place. I thought I'd never leave Colorado, and here I am back in Texas after a 34-year absence. Reading his texts last night about how he sleeps with the windows open year round flashed me back to wonderful nights snuggled under covers with a breeze wafting through the room. I can't do that here. It's too hot, too humid, and way too many bugs. As he was texting me about his first trip to Gunnison, his desire to be in the wilderness, and a place with a creek running through it, my heart remembered why I moved there in '74.

I've been very happy here in McKinney. I've met the best people in the world, creating relationships beyond compare, and lately I've been feeling open to moving again. Listening to my friend talk about why he had to move there last year tugged at my heart. I remembered sitting by the Roaring Fork in Basalt listening to the water rush past me; the night I spent at Woody Creek Tavern with two very good friends of John Denver's; the many times I've taken off from the Aspen airport in a friend's Bonanza; the daily walks I took along the Yampa in Steamboat; the hikes up Emerald Mountain; climbing W Mountain in Gunnison; feeding horses naked during a snowfall...

Even though I had lived in Colorado for 34 years, I'm remembering only those times when I was single there. Those were my most amazing times, because it was in being single that gave me the latitude to awaken to what really jazzed me.

And now, this man reawakened in me the deepest, most profound part of who I really am using his own desires for the land where he now lives to help me remember what drove me there 36 years ago. I can live anywhere and still be a Colorado girl. People tell me all the time that I dress Colorado. No matter how hard I've tried, I'm not a Texas-girl dresser. I am not bling, big hair, or high heels. I am a t-shirt and blue jeans girl. Give me my Keene sandals, and I can stay on my feet walking or hiking for hours.

I love McKinney. I love the people here. It's magical, and yet, there's this other part of me that remembers the colors of the aspen leaves in September and the sound they make with the wind blowing through them, or the mountain to the left of us when taking off from the Aspen airport, Starwood to our right, and all the Gulf Streams under us. It's funny that I've never felt the desire to fly here, but thinking about take-offs from the Aspen airport makes me want to jump in that Bonanza right now.

I feel my life in waves, one wave of this great desire to be in Colorado, and another wave of loving life here in McKinney. Back and forth these waves undulate, tide rolling out and then coming back in. One foot in Texas, the other in Colorado.

And then I did an energy session with an intuitive who gave me a reading afterwards. What she told me was what I had been feeling: my heart, my home is in Colorado. She said I would be going back there this fall. She said this man is a stepping stone to my being open to doing just that. She said a lot of other things about him too, but I'm not sharing that information.

The guides that showed up were Indian grandmothers. They asked me how far will I take myself? They told me that all I needed to do was put one moccasin in front of another. I make my path wherever I go. They also said I was still connected to my shaman, Rob Wergin, that my work picks up where his leaves off. Not sure what that means, but they said that I'm not done working with him. Well, thank god for that!

So, Monday morning when I woke up I had no inclination to move back to Colorado. Within hours my mind was a tad bit open to the concept, and now... Hm, let's just say that I make my path wherever I go.

Napkin Notes

One of the many things that happen to me when I'm out with friends is someone says something that needs to go down in history. Since most of the time I'm at Square Burger, I have a plethora of napkin notes that I use to dictate snippets of conversations.

The other night Tammy Davis and I were sitting with Marley, a bartender at Square Burger. We were watching Kym and Katy pushing the pilsners onto these black grate-like things that shot water into the glasses. I asked Marley what in the heck they were doing, and he said they were getting the glasses ready for the beer. Tammy said, "What if the beer needed to be ready for the glasses?"

The owner, Brandon Horrocks, stopped by our bar stools, and I posed that question to him. His response was, and I wrote it down and had him check it to make sure I got it right because it could end up being in some beer encyclopedia of some sort some day, so here it is. Please be seated because this profound answer could knock you off your feet.

"Why can't they be mutually attracted to each other and get together?"

And then there was the night in our Square Burger booth that my friend Jeremiah told me this one: "You're like the tide of McKinney. You're either in early or out late."  The "in early" hasn't happened this year yet, I don't think.

And here's one today, copied from Facebook: "The human experience can never be healed because it's a figment of our imagination. The human experience is what we wake up from." Michael Beckwith

And on that note, I'm finishing up this blog and walking across the street to Square Burger for a glass of wine with the best company I know.

Just thinking...

There's just nothing like a porch and some chairs to get me to thinking. Really, it doesn't even take that. I think anyway, much to my chagrin. Thinking is way overrated. Thinking is truly the least productive thing I do. Thinking is what gets me into trouble most of the time. It leads me to judging people and coming to really stupid conclusions. Thinking trips me up when I'm in my studio. It prevents me from letting the flow of words come through easily or the creative ideas for fabric magic to occur.

The thinking that leads to conclusions then leads me to ending relationships. I am not one to hold onto baggage. I delete emails daily. I throw away easily, and I give away anything that hasn't been touched recently. I purge. I excavate and delineate. I think I must come from a long line of Shakers. I live simply and without clutter.

Now recent visitors to my studio may disagree with me, but if you only knew what I once held onto in my 1200 square foot studio, you'd know I had pared down greatly. Even the family I lived with in Steamboat would be surprised at how much I have purged.

I find that excess does not serve me well. I live lightly, unencumbered, unattached, and totally free to go wherever my heart leads. Right now it leads me here still in McKinney on the square with a new studio and a new place to sell my wares and my book. On the square. I love being able to say that. I wrote about a square in my novel and now I'm living that experience.

If it's all right now, all this moment ONLY, then how could I have possibly written it and then lived it? Didn't it all happen simultaneously?

I'm also discovering that all the men I've been with throughout my life are all interconnected. I look at one, and see another. I hear one's voice and hear another's. What does it mean? Because I think so much, I've come up with a conclusion. Since I'm the common denomenator, then all of them must be mirrors of me. Since I live in a universe that has this law of attraction, I must be attracting to myself physical reminders of all that I've been thinking.

This thinking that I've been doing has led to experiments that have led to changing my thinking, so that I concentrate more and more on only those thoughts that make me feel oh so good. This part has been fun. I've let go of more baggage. I've thrown away that suitcase that held my desire for control. I now have my hands free for enjoying the grip of an airplane yoke, the nubbiness of Dupioni silk, the soft texture of newly-washed puppy hair, and the absolute freedom of air flowing around and between fingers that have nothing to hold onto.

I've discovered how light air feels, and I don't give it much thought at all.

brain vacation

My brain has decided to take a vacation and not invite me.

I'm in my studio for the second day this year because I've been residing in bed since New Year's. My brain started hurting last week when I was working on a new design in my studio. On New Year's Eve after seeing It's Complicated and laughing my ass off, I went flying with a friend over McKinney until it became the new year. I'm not sure if my brain landed with me.

It was a full moon and a blue moon. It was also John Denver's birthday. We took off around 11:48 at night. I was in the back seat clicking pictures of the lights and the moon, when the pilot told me to take over. There went my picture taking, at least the shots that weren't blurry.

I love to fly. I love to take off. It's one of my greatest highs. It's the landings I'm not so excited about. I'm not thrilled about taxiing slowly down the runway turning towards the hangars. I don't enjoy undoing my seat belt and taking off my headset.

Takeoffs are exceptionally orgasmic for me. There's not a cell in my body that's not turned on and tuned in. There's something so amazingly seductive about being above it all, seeing the ground below, the ant-sized people until they are nothing but dots and then nothing at all.

This is freedom. This is unadulterated freedom. This is mind-blowing, breath-taking, and well, for lack of anything better to say, just far out! Thank you, John, for that.

The point I want to make though is that I don't think my brain came back down with me. I've been floating and unable to comprehend the simplest of tasks since. Is it because it's been so long since my last flight in a single-engine? Is it because it's been even longer since I had my hands on a stick? (And I mean that in oh so many ways...)

I am meant to live above it all, above the pettiness and drama that resides here. They are not my friends or my people. My people are lax and loose and free. My people see no boundaries or reason to blame. Situations and people in their lives are clear mirrors to their own thoughts about themselves. They are grateful instead of blaming. They are in joy instead of in sadness. You ought to feel their excitement when I'm up in the stars. When I'm steadying my camera lens at the blue moon outside the cockpit.

It's the stars and the clouds and the sky and the moon and the sun that's home to me. Coming back down, feeling the tires land on the runway, and the propeller slow down makes my brain take a vacation without me.

Next time I'm going with it.

room for scootching

It's a cloudy day here on the square. I'm alone in the spa as all the practitioners are elsewhere on this Friday afternoon. I volunteered to stay behind and woman the fort. Curled leaves blow past the French doors, and I watch a pink-shirted woman eating lunch across the street at Cafe Malaga.

This is my life. I sip on chai tea from Coffee 'n Cream and receive texts on my new Sprint phone from my McKinney friends. With one, we're sending pictures back and forth on the latest tea mug designs and with another, we're expressing our mutual admiration.

A woman wearing sunglasses and long bleached hair hops into a monster SUV while cars scootch over in the other lane to allow her room for scootching. Room for scootching. We all need it. Last night I needed it. There was a full house here with cackling women, and I had to scootch to the back room away from loud. Loud was not my friend last night. Quiet and calm were twins that wanted to bunk down with me instead, and I was more than willing to make room for them. However, they didn't show up here last night, so I took a walk with the twins around the square instead.

It was lovely.

I didn't hear any loud music coming from Cadillac's last night. The only sounds I heard were those coming from Malaga's where a guitar was being strummed and a heavenly voice singing with it. I couldn't keep myself from joining friends inside and drinking a bottle of Roda red wine. There were dates wrapped in bacon on toothpicks, a mound of spinach in the middle of glazed shrimp, Pelligrino bottles, and a square plate of olives dressed in every shade of green. Gold painted walls with photos of the beautiful owner and her daughters. Tony at the ready with more plates topped with tapas. Annie with hugs and excitement about her new move around the corner -- Malaga's is going bigger. And the red wine enjoyed with two of the most amazing people on earth. I am so blessed.

It's a beautiful life. It's full. It's inspiring. It pushes me. It thrills me, and sometimes exhausts me, but I love it. I just love it, and thoroughly love all those involved.

So, right now all is quiet and peaceful as the police officer rides past the French doors on his bike. A grandpa holds his grandson while walking down the sidewalk, a mom pushes a stroller, and a shop owner sweeps the sidewalk in front of her door. A Jaguar in mint condition drives by, followed by a Ram truck covered in mud.

I'm able to write all this after leaving a Chamber meeting that RejuveNation LifeSpa sponsored at 7:30 this morning and before the spa fills back up with women at another nightly event tonight.

Right now I sit before my computer and breathe calmly. I know the quiet is short lived, and I am so grateful.