the wind

I am 54 years old. No spring chicken. Been around the block a time or two. So, how is it that I feel brand new?

It seems as if every single thing in my life has occurred to bring me to the moment I'm in now. I am here in NY with this man for a very great reason. I'm learning every single minute how easily love grows. It's astounding to me to feel the way I do about him. I think about him when he's not with me, and when he is, I can hardly keep my eyes (and hands) off him.

Where did this come from? I thought I'd been in love before. I thought I knew what it was like to share my life with someone. I'm finding that those beliefs are false. I'm discovering now what it means to love someone so deeply, so unconditionally that there's not a thing he can say or do that will lessen the love I feel. By opening to him, I've opened myself to the world, the most beautiful, contagiously gorgeous parts of the universe. It's a world I couldn't have wished for because I didn't know it existed.

I look back on my life as a single woman -- my real life, I call it -- and categorize my "episodes" like this: Steamboat Springs was my time for extraordinary spiritual growth and discovering who I could possibly be. The next phase, McKinney, TX, was my I-never-got-to-be-a-wild-teenager-before time, so I took the opportunity to let loose and cultivate wonderful friendships in a magical small community.

And then New Mexico hit me, and I mean that literally. My three months in NM was what I call my "hosing off" time. Apparently, the wild teenager in me needed a major hosing to integrate all the phases I had experienced so that I could be prepared for my NY experiences.

I came here to NY with three suitcases and a box. Absolutely no record of a past to speak of. Pretty amazing considering I used to live in the midst of great quantities of things. Things, things, and more things. I arrived with clothes, a few books, and essential papers. That's it. Nothing more.

However, in the 125 days I've been here, I've accumulated the greatest of all wealth. I am deeply loved by the most amazing man in the galaxy. I am rich beyond words.

I wake in the morning and look at his face. My heart fills to overflowing. I get to wake up next to him. I've never experienced such amazing wealth before moving here.

I recall my childhood with three brothers, a Catholic upbringing in the 50s, 60s, and 70s (And did I mention that it all occurred in the south of all places??), and I see myself now living in the north, non church-going without those said brothers, and I realize the transformation that has transpired. Every single experience, every moment, every breath has led to right now, right here with this man, with our art, with our love, our passion for each other and what we do. It's an extraordinary time, an amazing chance to create the perfect life with this very, very perfect man for me.

I was told by two people in Texas that I would have a relationship beyond my wildest dreams, that I would be loved like this, be given gifts regularly, and not once could I believe them. I scoffed at them actually. I had never had a man treat me with such respect or gratitude. I had no reference for that. I couldn't fathom working with a man I was in a relationship with and loving every minute of it. How could that be after working with a husband for 26 years and knowing that with each passing day, more and more of me was dying?

I was reading some messages that Dan and I had been sending to one another on FB last year before either one of us was ready to admit that there could possibly be more between us than we were letting on, and I marvelled at the genuine concern, beautiful sentiments, and glowing raves we shared with each other. We have respected each other from the very first word. We have believed in each other from the moment we saw each other's work. And now, what we have done together... I am humbled to call him my partner in business, in love, and in life. He is truly so much more than I could have ever imagined. He's allowed my freak flag to fly. He's actually encouraged it, and he truly is the wind beneath it.

milestones...

Today marks a milestone. I've been here in NY with Dan for 84 days, one day longer than I was in New Mexico. It's also the day before Texas Independence Day and Dan's birthday. Several milestones, I guess. I've never celebrated Texas Independence Day or Dan's birthday before. Again, new experiences, and believe me, celebrating with Dan is always a new experience. Because today is his last day to be 54, I want to dedicate this time and this space to the man that I am privileged to live with and to call my own. Ah...

Today we got our second piece of mail with both our names on it. I don't know quite how to describe what that felt like. I looked at both our names with an "and" sign in the middle, sent to one address. I know I live here with him. I wake up with him every morning. I go to bed with him every night. I call this home. This is where I want to encrust a few roots. Then I see our names typed together on a mailing label from a local museum where we are now members, and I feel as if the Universe is agreeing with me. We belong together. We sooooo belong together.

I'm working on a few commissioned pieces right now, and he's been documenting every step of the way. I've put up a design wall in my studio space so I can view the makings of the wall hangings from hour to hour, moment by moment. And before I know it, Dan's taking pictures of the progression of the strips, the circles, the squares, and the rectangles. I'm making five wall hangings and one pillow out of someone's father's clothing. He was a surgeon and a hunter, so I have a collection of silk ties and camo, dress shirts and overalls, not to mention the bright hunter orange shirt. Dan has given me advice, listened to my musings, and put up with whining when I couldn't figure out why I wasn't pleased with the pieces.




way before a million changes


I've never had this in my life. I've never had a man who was so encouraging to my artist whims. I've never had someone want to be a part of this growing experiment of making wall art from clothing. He has provided me with solitude when he knew I needed it and an ear when I needed to be heard.

We discovered each other when we were 54 years old, when we least expected it, when we both fought the inevitable. When we surrendered to the fact that we were meant to be together, it was (and continues to be) truly magical, and the easiest thing we both have ever done.

It's been 84 days of bliss, of extraordinary education in art, of stretching myself, and of allowing the most beautiful man into my life. I've grown my sewing space, and I've grown my imagination. The latest things I've done with his tie-dyes have yet to be completely finished, but I'll unveil the happenings here.




tie-dyed fabric beads


If it weren't for Dan Leo, I would not be where I am right now or who I am right now. I love it all more than I've loved any of it before. I've never felt like I belong like I do here, and believe me I knew I belonged in McKinney, Texas, so just imagine what my belonging in this place to this man feels like!

We're working on a name for our business. We thought we had it twice already. However, both names were already taken, so now back to square one. In the meantime, I'll keep posting our latest works and our latest comings and goings.

You know, people have always told me that if they knew what it was like to be a grandparent they would have chosen that first. Well, if I'd ever known what it was like to love this man and live with this man like I do, I would have done it first. But because we met up when we'd both been through a lot, after tremendous growth and pain, we have created a life together that is beyond compare. I could never have had this kind of relationship without first experiencing all that I didn't want first. So, to all that participated in that challenging growth, I thank you because right here, right now I'm the happiest I've ever been. This is right where I belong.

hitting the jackpot

I just built a roaring fire and am curled up in front of it with my laptop. The wind is blowing the wind chimes along the porches, and I can see the mountains outside the window. I spent the day at the store selling art and Fair Trade items. I got to listen to tourists' travels and their home lives. Some locals stopped by to give me some silk fabric and colored wire. And in my bag I brought my favorite hummus and carrot sticks for snacking. I was in heaven.

I spread out the silks, ripping them into strips and cutting them into circles. I took a spool of bright pink wire and began shaping them into figures. I've never done this before, and like magic the wire turned into recognizable people that I dressed with the strips of silk. I was pleasantly surprised how they turned out, and those working in the shops around me went nuts over them. How cool was that?!

I've discovered so many ways to make art without my regular supplies. For those of you who don't know, I've been collecting supplies since 1984 when I took up quilting. I also bought into a shop and accumulated a room full of supplies. When I built my house I had a 1200 sf studio on the top floor. For the first time I had a room just for notions, one just for my fabrics, and a large area for my sewing machines and cutting table. I had an entertainment area with stereo and tv with dvd/video player. I had shelves and shelves for my books, and closets full of beads, wires, jewelry-making tools, stamps, inks, paints, etc. If there was something on the market that I wanted, you can bet that it was in my studio pronto. I lacked nothing. I had it all. More threads than some stores even.

Then September 11, 2010 I moved to New Mexico with absolutely none of it. I sold a lot, gave a lot away, and left a lot with family and a dear sweet friend. (Thank you, Molly!) This has forced me into rethinking, recreating, reimagining how I can work with materials I have already or some I can find outside my house. That process alone has stretched me in ways I never thought possible. Today when I was shaping that wire, I had no idea I was capable of making wire look like human figures. Where did that come from? When I cut out dragonflies from magazines I free-formed them. I didn't draw them, I just cut. Was it all those years of thread painting with my sewing machine? I'm sure that has something to do with it, but I also know there's a lovely little place I go when I'm handed little treasures like I was today. I dip into the bags and just create with what I have. I get so much joy out of it that I think I could pop right out of my skin.

So after pricing my little gems and leaving them at the store, I got the kindest offer by a friend who took me to the grocery store so I can have my coffee in the morning. We talked for hours and then she took me home. What an absolutely amazing way to spend my day today. And then tonight while sitting in the living room by the fire, my neighbors came over with drinks, and we just got to know one another. They went home to fix dinner and as soon as I'm done here I'm joining them.

Now, here's another not so little thing that happened when I got home tonight. A dear, wonderful man read my previous postings on my blog and sent me private messages that so warmed my heart. I am one of the most blessed people I know, and I am so very, very grateful.

And just one last thing. On the walk to work this morning, a notion hit me. I wrote a novel years ago that just got published last year. In all the years that have passed since beginning this novel everything that happened to my main character ended up happening to me except ONE thing. And that one thing is coming to pass. You see, in the novel the main character is a woman named Grace. At the time I wrote the book Grace and I had two things in common: we both worked in our husbands' offices, and we both quilted. Grace did something dramatically different than I had ever tried at the time. She met a male artist back east, and he painted on fabric that she would sew together. When she returned home to her husband, that male artist sent her boxes of painted fabrics that she then created art with. That is the ONE thing that has not happened to me yet. However, on my walk to work this morning I realized the offer that a male artist made to me. He's sending me a box of fabrics that he's dyed. Here's something I never thought of when I was writing that book. This wonderful man who lives back east is not only sending me his dyed remnants but he's sending a batch of homemade cookies too!

And that, my friends, is what it's like to hit the jackpot!

To Tammy

So, the day has passed. I'm now home alone as Tammy is with her boyfriend, and the owner of the house is in Santa Fe. I love this house. I love Tammy so much. She is the reason I'm in Taos. She is the reason I came to New Mexico at all. And something happened today that made me feel ties to Taos being cut. I could feel the cord being severed, and quite frankly I just want to land. I love it here, and at the same time I "see" myself somewhere else. Really? I just got a new job that I'm so excited about I can hardly stand it. I've made friends I want to see on a regular basis. I've given up a car, a phone, a lifestyle, my art/sewing supplies... I keep dropping baggage everywhere I go. I'm down to my panties really, and it feels like it's time to let those go too. (Oh, I can tell where some of my friends' minds just went...)


Whether or not I move is not the point. I feel the point to what happened today was about me being able to say yes to moving again. It was an experience that showed me that I'm not to have ties here either. Untethered, my new job description...

Tammy's not hanging with me much anymore. We both have jobs that take us to different parts of town, and she's with her boyfriend most other times. She's planted here. I thought I was too. I thought I was ready to put down roots here, and maybe I will, but it just seems that being attached to this place is not in my future (or my present). I'm whining. I'm bellyaching because I had expectations. Oh shit... When will I ever learn that lesson?

Once upon a time here in Taos I was dating a wonderful, amazing man, but even though he was the one who ended the relationship, I had no qualms about it. It has been very easy not seeing him anymore. I knew, I knew deep down, that there was nothing sustainable about a romantic relationship with him. I knew it. I felt it, and I am deeply touched to have had him in my life.

Then this afternoon Tammy and I were in a coffee shop with her boyfriend, and I was introduced to an acquaintance of theirs. Really fascinating guy whose conversation intrigued me. He sat closer to me. He leaned into me, and then he started talking about having us over for dinner. All of a sudden this awful feeling swept over me. I felt like I couldn't talk. I listened to them talk, and I wanted to flee. My throat was constricting as I stood up and put on my jacket. I told them that I had to scoot over to a friend's store to talk business. This very nice man asked if I'd come back another time and join him. I don't know what I said, and I'm not even sure that's what he said to me. As soon as I got outside I could breathe easier. I walked briskly away from there, and as I did I saw a picture flash through my head. Well, holy mother of God... I saw myself in New York with someone I met forty years ago.

Every day here in New Mexico has been a day of letting go of what I think I want or what I think it looks like or whatever else. There's this head and heart game I play every now and then, and today has been one of those times. My head says I want to stay here in Taos, work my jobs, play with my friends, and meet new people while doing art. I want to live in my house and just go about my life, simply with no fanfare, no extravagance, no great meaningful purpose. I just want to wake up in the mornings and greet the days with a smile on my face. I want to serve coffee and sell art. I want simplicity.

And then there's this heart thing... Yeah, yeah, yeah... God, it's got a loud voice that shuts up the head. I came here with Tammy to live from my heart. I came here with Tammy to open my heart wide and love authentically and transparently. I'm not sure how or when my heart opened up so easily to allow this man in, but I know that today I have surrendered to all possibilities. I have let go of Taos, and if I should stay here... Well, I'd be perfectly fine with that, and I also know that being tied to a place is not in the cards for me either.

I live a fuckin' crazy life. No one has to tell me that. I am well aware of it. It's crazy because it's heart-driven and there are no rules. I have seen this man for a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon in the last 36 years, and my heart is wide open to him. I didn't even do that with my husband and I was with him for 32 years!

I have to give Tammy so much credit for helping me through all of this. She's taught me so much about openly loving people. She has one of the purest hearts I've ever encountered, and to know that I'm willing to live somewhere else so far away from her is showing me how much I've grown since meeting her last June. Yep, you read that right. Tammy and I met just last June. Almost three months later I move to another state with her. And now I'm willing to consider another move -- down the road. Please, God, let it be way down the road. I'm just now standing on my own two feet again...

I love deeply. I love easily, and I love openly. Tammy, this one's for you. I am who I am today because of you. There is no one on this planet who knows me like you do, who has put up with me like you have, and who has loved me anyway like you have. Your sons and you are my family. I am blessed. I am privileged, and oh so grateful to be able to call you my sister. I miss you so much, and I am so happy for you. Your dreams are all coming true right here in Taos, something you've ached for. It's a lovely vision to watch, and thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of it.

It feels like I'm saying good bye, and I'm really trying not to do that, but something happened today. Something so tangible that I could physically feel myself being pulled away. As much as my head says no to anything else but Taos, my heart shuts out its blubbering. My heart wins. I'm untethered, and it could still mean years for me in Taos with you. Or not. It's the "or not" I'm wrapping my head around because my heart is loving the idea.

things that make me go hm...

I used to ask for signs. Lately I've had so many coming at me that it's been difficult to remember them all. However, for many, many years now the signs have still been pointing in the same directions, even though they're on two separate sides of the map -- Windstar in Old Snowmass, Colorado and New York. WTF???

First, I have one thing to say before I get into any of that. I LOVE TAOS!!! I love being here with Tammy. I love the house I live in. I love the places I work. I love the people here. I love the energy. I love it all. I'm going to repeat myself here -- wtf???

So, here's a few things that have happened this morning. While drying off after my shower, a thought hit me (as they often do...) that since singledom I've apparently made it a habit to move every two years. Now, let me just say that all morning I was thinking about how much I love Taos and how much I truly enjoy serving the people here. I am so excited about being able to provide meals and coffee and desserts for them next week. I was even thinking about how much fun it would be to run a restaurant with Tammy here with her magnificent recipes. And then I get out of the shower and am knocked upside the head with the idea that I've moved every two years since being single. Two years ago today I arrived in McKinney, Texas with my U-Haul. Hm...

While living in McKinney last July a friend of mine who lives in New York came to visit me and see my studio. While looking at all my stuff, he was quite taken with a little piece I made with dragonflies on it. I gave it to him, and he has since asked me to make him some dragonflies to put on his own art. That's what I've been doing lately instead of doing it last August when he asked for them. Oh well...

Now I'm obsessed with them. I've been making them like crazy, and this morning I decided to look them up in Ted Andrews' Animal Speak. Here's what jumped out at me immediately:

Dragonflies are very territorial. They will lay their eggs within their territory near the water. The egg eventually develops into the nymph stage of metamorphosis in this insect, and remains as a nymph for almost two years before it transforms into an adult dragonfly or damselfly. This can reflect a number of possibilities for those with this totem. It can indicate that an approximate two-year period of change is about to reach its culmination. It may reflect that you are coming into a two-year period of transformation. It may even reflect a need to institute changes that may culminate in the colorful transformations you desire within a two-year period.

Well now... I know I'd be crazy for trying to figure out what any of this means. God knows my interpretations in the past have sent me up shit creek, so I'm not going in that direction now. I'm just noticing patterns and synchronicities -- 2 years, dragonflies, moving, New York...

I just read those words I typed and am surprised at the order I put them in... again, just noticing patterns (I'm telling myself this...)

When I opened Animal Speak to the page with the dragonfly description, I noticed a notation I had made. On June 24, 2005 I was at John Denver's Windstar Foundation in Old Snowmass, Colorado where a dragonfly landed on me. According to the book, in some Native American culture the dragonfly represents the soul of the dead. Really... Just read that.

So, 36 years have passed since I saw this guy I went to high school with (the NY guy). He comes to visit last July and loves my dragonflies. The day he came to town changed everything, and I didn't know it until he left. First of all, he met some of my friends in McKinney. We went to a friend's home where she was putting on a dinner party. My NY friend couldn't stay, but there was something that stuck with me after he was physically gone because that night I could no longer participate in my usual McKinney routine. Every person at that dinner was a very dear, wonderful  friend of mine, but I couldn't stay. I kept leaving the party, walking to the square to just be alone and think. Looking back on it now I realize that there was something between my NY friend and I that was exchanged on a soul level. I have not been the same since. It was that night that I was ready to leave McKinney even though it didn't happen for another two months.

In my life, energy plays a much bigger role than what my physical world looks like. As Ted Andrews says, "Dragonfly can help you to see through your illusions and thus allow your own light to shine forth. Dragonfly brings the brightness of transformation and the wonder of colorful new vision." I don't look at what's in front of me and believe that's all there is. I listen to the words spoken to me, and know that's only part of the story. I watch people's behaviors and know that there's so much more going on. I feel the fabric that ties us all together. I know there's a huge picture developing no matter what shows up. I don't pretend to know what is going on; I just know that if I let go of trying to figure it all out then "the wonder of colorful new vision" appears.

So, that being said, what I'm trying to get at, successfully or not, is that there is a magnificence unfolding in my life and it feels like this man who now lives in NY has had some part in it. Where does it go from here? Who knows? I know that information is showing up for me now, and it's opening me up to more possibilities.

And with that being said, I'm just going to work on dragonflies today. I'll probably go to the store and pick up some groceries. I may even walk to the Plaza to talk to some friends about my artwork. But I know one thing for sure, no matter what it is I do, magic will be involved.

a wonderful life

In a previous "lifetime" when I was doing energy work, I had an intuitive tell me that my work came from the void, the nothingness, the zero point field, and it was a way for me to go back there. She said that doing energy sessions for other people was not the purpose of this. The purpose was for me to go there, to dwell in that zero point field.


That was just a mere four months ago, and since then I've moved twice and gone back to what I used to do -- art. When this intuitive told me this, I remember thinking that I wanted to do nothing more than these sessions on other people, but now I see that it really was about me going into that field, that zone, whatever you want to call it. Now, I feel it all the time. I don't have to "go anywhere"; it is me. It's the energy I've always been.

So now I can do anything I want and the energy becomes part of it. I can take a break from the physical world and see so much more clearly and be peace. I can listen to conversations about Verizon phones and how irate the customer was, and not feel part of it at all. As a matter of fact, it's almost as if I can "watch" the words float by me like leaves falling from trees. It really is that insignificant.

What's really fascinating to me is my ability to adjust to a world that is so unlike one I've ever lived in. Technology is almost totally out of my life, except for this computer. What it has done for me is to become so much more a part of the physical world. I walk wherever I want to go, therefore I am making contact with the ground, looking at the landscape more closely, talking to people I pass, and exercising outdoors. I've been in Taos for almost three weeks and I can't even count how many people I know already and how many solid friendships I've cultivated. I told Tammy that I feel like a magnet with arms open wide walking down the street, collecting all that is lovely and beautiful and peaceful. A walking magnet of money, of love, of peace. The peace part is my favorite. Just sayin'.

Is it possible to live in peace here all the time? As much as I want. How's that? As much as I allow. As much as I choose. Ha! There are so many opportunities for me to experience anything other than peace, and after each little episode, I go back to peace. I just can't imagine not wanting peace to be my permanent address. However, I do know that change is inevitable, so let's see where I go next. I certainly showed up in New Mexico thinking that I would do only energy work and would be living in Santa Fe. I also thought I'd have a car and... And now I'm dreaming in tie-dyed fabric. What the...? I wake up with what I can do next with the items I accumulate. Last night I was working on a dragonfly that I cut out of a t-shirt (not one that you gave me, Dan) and stuffed it with ground-up sage I picked from my backyard. I'm learning to use everything at my disposal instead of buying anything I think I need. I used to spend up to thousands of dollars per month on supplies, travels, classes, etc. and now I look at what's around me and how I can make it into something else. My form of alchemy.

I was just informed that I'll be going to work in the store today. I have my bag of goodies to transform into something magical. And when I'm done, when I'm completely satisfied with whatever I make, I plan on sending them to NY. I promised I would send dragonflies last August, and here it is months later, and it's dragonflies that consume me. Dragonflies out of paper, out of t-shirts, glued onto silk, made out of paper towels and glue... It's been a very long time since I've been so enraptured with art. It's interesting to me that when I finally have no supplies, I am creating like a mad woman. I forage the yards around the house. Here in Taos, the different textures, scents, and colors abound. They are prolific. I live in the midst of the most abundant supply store possible! This has caused me to stretch and expand what I thought was possible. Sometimes I feel like a scientist without the beakers. My lab is acres and acres of sage. My ingredients do not foam or boil over, but they do make dragonflies smell nice.

This has truly been a very trying time letting go of all my old beliefs and misconceptions, but slowly coming out on the other side, I've been able to see the plethora of miracles that surround me. Last night when Tammy came home, she brought groceries for a dinner she made for both of us. Every morning when I wake up fresh coffee is waiting for me. I am privileged to work in a store on the plaza selling art, and I get to go there today. Yay! I get to talk to all the tourists that come in from all over the world. I listen to other languages. I hear how people live. I'm able to travel all day long as they describe their lives. When I'm not talking, I get to work on my own art. I dig through my bag of silk scraps, feathers, markers, cardboard, yarns, etc., and I get to turn those ingredients into something else. Wow, it's a wonderful life.

baby steps

When I got up this morning, the sun shone through the windows, the coffee was already brewed and waiting for me. I felt brand new, whole, complete, and ready to flow through the day. I sat down with my coffee and laptop, turning to Facebook, and there was a picture my daughter posted of her pets. And then I cried like a baby.

I am who I am. I am a sucker for those two animals. I remember what it was like to wake up with dog tail slapped across my face or a kitty paw on my nose. The dog, Moo, has been with me through some pretty tough times. He was with me when I left a 32-year relationship. It was his barking behind the front door of the house that made me cry as I drove down the driveway away from him. My heart breaks open right now just remembering his scratching on the window as I got into my car. He begged to go with me. I had to hold him back as I shut the front door to the house. It was a long drive to Steamboat, and I cried the whole way.

I am an opened book. I have no poker face. And, I love so easily. I fall in love over and over and over. Those two little faces make my arms yearn to hold them. Heck, I'd even take an unexpected pounce in my lap right now. But, I chose to leave again. After spending almost two years with my daughter, I chose to move to New Mexico. I make decisions very quickly and without any hesitation or plans. I just do it, so in September I picked up and moved with Tammy, and if it weren't for the drama of an ex, I probably would've been crying across the state line that time too.

The way I choose to live my life has not been easy. It hasn't been easy for my family or for me, but it's what I know I have to do. I have no explanations. I just know that it's right for me to be where I am right now as much as I miss my daughter, her pets, and McKinney, I am meant to be here.

Not for one moment do I disregard what my time on the square in McKinney was like for me. I cherish my memories and the friends I made there. I think of them often, and I know that where I am now is perfect.

And where am I? Well, every moment that's a new experience... My former lives seemed to provide stability for me. Marriage had this cloak of permanence and belonging that masked the smothering I felt. I could sleep through my days in the sense that I was not awakened to what it was I really wanted. I was in survival mode, and since being single, I've been learning how to walk.

I'm brand new. I lived all my life until 9/11/06 according to what others wanted. I chose that. I chose to spend my time pleasing others and ignoring me. I did that all by myself. And now, after four years on my own, I'm taking baby steps to discover how to walk unattended. And sometimes that includes tears. Oh well... so fucking what... I am who I am, for better or worse. Here I am, like me or not. I am right here, right now, taking teeny steps forward because tears are blurring my vision.

chop wood, carry water

For the first time I'm alone in the house. There's embers glowing in the fireplace. The mobile on the front porch is still. Coffee's brewed, and a raven flew past the window. I hear the humming of the refrigerator and the keys on the computer, and that's it. Silence otherwise. I've been chatting with a friend of mine who's in Aspen til Friday. I just saw a video on Facebook of Jimmy Stewart reading a poem he wrote about his dog named Beau. Back in 1975 I went to visit Aspen and stayed with a college friend who had a dog named Beau. I still have a picture of Beau. Got to love that dog for the weekend, and have gotten to love his owner for years.


I went to Aspen for many reasons that weekend, one of them was to see John Denver. I did see him, and then in 2006 I met and worked with someone who had been a very good friend of his, and he was the one I had been chatting with this morning.

I've always had a love relationship with Aspen, and to be able to hear about the goings-on this morning was priceless. I could see the mountains, the snow, the highway down the Roaring Fork Valley, the brick pedestrian mall...

Aspen, my dream winter wonderland. I used to go there when I couldn't take my life anymore. I would drive to Aspen/Snowmass for a reprieve, and then be able to go back to what I left behind until I could go back no longer. I thought I'd move to Snowmass after living so long in Boulder county, but instead ended up in the northwest part of the state. Interestingly enough, I did end up going to Aspen several times to work with my employer. I met new people and fell in love with it all over again.

Will I be going back again? Who knows? I never thought I'd end up in New Mexico either.

I chop wood, carry water now. I just be. This is home for now. This feels right, right now. The ability to chop wood and carry water is exhilarating really. It moves me, literally. I move, and I accept whatever's on my plate at the moment. I am so grateful for whatever shows up because whatever it is, I know it is more than I could've imagined.

my heaven

Carlos Nakai is playing in my ears right now, and I'm feeling slushy. Music, certain music, leaves me feeling so pliable that I could be a puddle on the floor while listening to it. That's how I'm feeling right now. My friend introduced me to this, and I remember being at his house after spending the most delicious night with him, wearing his clothes to lounge in and stretched out on his couch while he went to the kitchen for our coffee. His t-shirt was a short dress on me, and I cinched his pj pants quite a bit so they would stay up. He put the speakers on the back of the couch adjusting them to either side of my head, and the flute and drums lulled me. He brought my cup of coffee already altered with my cream and stevia and nestled in beside me. There was never, or has been yet, another moment of such undiluted peace. When I think of perfection, I remember that moment. When I feel utter serenity, it is from the experience of that moment.


Tranquility... the best word I can use to describe my time with him.

Last summer when I began doing energy work again, Tammy had asked me what one word best describes what people get from my sessions, and I said peace. That's why I wanted to do sessions so much. I wanted to be in that peace. I wanted to live in that peace, and the only way I knew how to get it so quickly, to surround myself in it so deliberately was to do sessions. A dear friend and colleague had told me when I first started doing this work that the sessions were only for my ability to get into that energetic space. The energy didn't come to me to do sessions, but to embody that peace, that home-feeling. And now, that's what has happened. I embody that energy without doing sessions. I feel it instantly. I wrap myself in it, and am it. I now feel it going from my heart to the person I'm thinking about or the people around me. It's the most astonishing thing.

One of the major transitions it has caused in my life is that I cannot do life like I used to. I listen to people who live the corporate American way, and I can't fathom their way of life or their way of thinking. They spit out beliefs that they've been taught. Their thinking is so finite, and rigid. I look at them. I listen to their words, and the energy I feel just grows and radiates between us. I don't know if they feel it at all, but it is overwhelmingly beautiful and peaceful to me. I can hear their distinct different ways of life, their insistence that they must have a retirement account, medical benefits, work overtime, bust their humps, and be so very, very grateful after putting in about 100 hours a week for their paycheck because after all, where would they be without it?

Sweet jesus did I do the same thing at one time! There was no way I could possibly see the world than through insurance claims, medical exam forms, patient files, unemployment insurance tax, payroll, bills, bills, and more bills... mortgages, business loans, car loans, school loans... the lists of what to do, the lists that never got completed, the lists that just got longer, the lists that kept me from being, the lists that were my gods... I used to have retirement accounts that I believed in so much that I funded them before giving to me. They were my saints I prayed to -- keep growing and be there when I need you. I remember those big insurance payments that came in the mail that I would deposit in those ever-growing bank accounts. They must've been the gods I worshiped because I thought about them a lot. I relied on them too too much. I insisted on their being my security. I was guaranteed a life of leisure if I kept at it, depositing those funds in those banks, those stocks, those portfolios... Those were my tickets to my dreams, baby. I bought that story hook, line, and sinker. I bought it until there was nothing left of me to buy for.

I gave it all up and walked away. After 32 years with one person, I moved to another town and started over. And what I've learned is that I wasn't done walking away from that which didn't serve me anymore. Everything is energy, and those things from that relationship carried that energy I no longer wanted in my life, so I kept giving it away and leaving it behind, and then walking forward unencumbered. That's when all the old shit really rose to the surface. I didn't have anything to cover it up with. Suddenly my old worn-out beliefs reared their ugly, ugly heads. Dammit, right when I thought I was in the clear too...

So, the month or so that Tammy and I have been here in New Mexico I have been going through so much transformations, as has Tammy, but I'm only speaking for me here. The transitions have been so dramatic it's as if I awake an entirely new person every morning. I feel as if I need to introduce myself to Tammy every morning when we sit at the dining room table with our coffee and laptops. First, though I have to reacquaint myself with me. The night trips, wherever it is I go, have become incredibly adventurous, and the me that awakes is truly in a foreign country. I must relearn the language, the habits, the way of life here, because my "here" has transformed. My "here" is more and more like what I had imagined heaven to be when I was a little girl in my school uniform sitting in front of nuns. Not their heaven, but mine.

Simplicity is another word I've embraced since redoing me. I find I have more energy without taking care of what I used to own. I rely solely on my Source, knowing full well that everything I desire is mine. There is such peace in that knowingness. And when I desire peace first and foremost, it's mine for the basking in whenever I so choose.