the ride of a lifetime

Today has been another day of surrender, a letting go so deeply that I no longer care about the outcome of anything. I have been foolish to think that I could determine the results of anything. This train ride Tammy and I are on has proven to us time and time again that we may have specific intentions, wants, and desires, but God help us if we think for one second that we can determine what any of it is going to look like.


We have been through so much since moving to Taos especially. Last week was truly the toughest I thought I'd been through. We thought this week was going to be a smoother ride after all the purging we'd been through. And then there were the phone calls. First mine on Sunday that brought up so much crazy crap that I thought for sure I'd worked through. Great, Jill. Just great... stop your bloody thinking!

And the real life-altering, heart-stopping phone call came yesterday with the news that Tammy's son, Taylor, had been in a serious car accident. His car blew three tires and he went airborne. Three airbags deployed and he lost consciousness until the ambulance ride.

The day before that Tammy's car decided to take a much-needed rest and refused to work, as did Taylor's brother's car. Someone we had just met before moving to Taos drove us 2 1/2 hours away to the hospital, stopping an hour away from us to pick up the brother. We arrived safely. The ride materialized easily, and Tammy got to see her son and talk with the doctors. He's got two compression fractures in his lumbar spine. Fragments of the vertebrae are not threatening anything, and so he'll be in a brace for three months.

When we discovered what had happened, Tammy and I both just cried. This young man is going to be okay, and according to the insurance claims person if Taylor had been 20 feet in either direction of where his tires blew, he would have never needed to be fitted for a brace today. He wouldn't have been taken to the emergency room. We would be putting together funeral arrangements now.

Tammy and I have been stripped of everything materialistically. Everything's gone but our clothes. And yet... And yet, we are by far the richest we've ever been. We live in a beautiful house, gorgeous surroundings, and have created the most loving relationships of our lives here.

We don't own anything yet we eat healthy meals. We sleep on comfortable beds. We write in a beautiful home. The ability to shift easily, to bend and flow without hesitation has become a way of life for us here. We're discovering that absolutely nothing can be done in this lifetime right now, right here, the way we used to do anything.

In our very bleakest moments when there seems to be no fix, miracles appear. Tammy went to talk with the owner of the local paper about doing some bartering and ended up with paid writing assignments. I was led to talk to a health care facility down the road here just to tell them what my experiences have been, and yesterday I interviewed for the only position they're needing to be filled.

Neither of these positions were advertised, or in Tammy's case even "invented" yet, and they materialized just when we showed up. There's something so magical about just letting go of everything. I mean truly not caring how anything we desire comes into fruition. In that act of surrendering when we're not even thinking about what it is we want or feeling bummed about what we think we don't have, the experiences unfold as magnificent gifts. We are truly blown away by how our lives have taken shape here. We are so very grateful for every single moment of the ride because it is in this ride, this crazy roller coaster that we've been on, that the deepest and most profound joy surfaces.

And with that being said, I want to express my deepest gratitude to Tammy. She keeps holding my hand as we continually leap. I can't think of anyone I'd rather have taking these steps with me.

just the beginning

I have never felt so out of control in my life. I mean this in a really great way. I think...


I moved here to Taos last Tuesday. I moved in with a man I hadn't ever met before. We're doing a house share. It's a beautiful home -- three bedrooms, two baths, sunroom, adobe home with guest house. It sits in the midst of health care facilities of all kinds. Natural landscaping on the three acres with foothills in the back yard... How amazing that is to me that it's so surrounded by what could be considered such high volume traffic areas, and also nestled into nature. There's a panoramic view of the mountains. Over the weekend I was able to sit at the dining room table and watch the balloon festival from several windows.

Last week was this really cleansing week where I expunged long-held beliefs and emotions and god only knows what else. And today is All Soul's Day. Today my soul gets a day dedicated to itself. And today my soul is really letting me know who's in charge, and it just ain't me. Today is a whole new life. Today is just new, and so full of more than I could ever imagine that I just need to stop imagining what I think it could be.

Here's what I know for sure. So far. Tammy got a job writing health articles for the local paper this morning. She thought she was going in to do some bartering work and ends up with a paid position.

I'm going in for an interview this afternoon with a business that's within walking distance of my house. It'll be a full-time position, and I still have time to work with Tammy on our raw foods business. I also have my artwork in three different stores in town, and payday is today. Yay!

Today is the last day of the first week we've lived here. I've never been through so much in such a short time in my life. Emotionally I've been put through the wringer. However, who I am today is so much more than the person who first arrived in Taos last week. And for that I'm grateful.

Tammy has been a wonderful example to me of someone who is at ease with letting go and knowing she's okay no matter what. I see now why last week was so tough on me. I was clinging so tightly. I wanted things and people to look and act a certain way, and none of it went according to my plans. And then I got to experience what it felt like to let go of all those crazy notions. I know I'm perfectly fine just where I am. No one or no thing has to be a certain way for me to be okay. I am perfectly positioned in my life right now with everything I need, everything I could ever desire. It's all right here, right now. It's beautiful. This is paradise, knowing that no matter what shows up, no matter what it may look like, I am in the right place at the right time.

Tammy, I raise my mug of water to you this morning. Thanks for being on this trip with me. Thanks for letting me see what such an open heart full of love looks like. You are an inspiration to me, and this is just the beginning.

almost ready

Tammy and I have just completed our first week in Taos even though we didn't move here until last Tuesday, we've been here longer. I have one thing to say about it. Oh sweet baby jesus, it was the hardest week of my life. Everything it seemed that could come up for me did. When I saw Tammy last night I told her I was ready to press the escape button. I was done with being here on planet earth. I'm not sure if I've ever felt that way before. Shit from lifetimes surfaced and reared their ugly heads before releasing, and then the next thing would come up, and the next thing. Ooooohhh, I was so ready to check out completely. I was so ready to be done with this thing called life on planet earth. I couldn't even escape it by closing my eyes and going to sleep because my dreams were vivid visions filled with movies of my lives and information coming through.


Enough! I told Tammy last night that I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted the visions to stop. I wanted all the information to come to a halt. I just wanted to lay my head on the pillow and close my eyes and have nothing flash before me. I wanted peace. I just wanted peace.

Today was a brand new day. I lived in peace today. I laughed easily today. Tammy and I talked about all the stuff that came up for me this past week, stuff I truly thought was long gone. Ha! Then I played a great trick on myself. I dated a chiropractor!! Smart move. Really smart move. Shit loads from my former chiropractor husband vommitted up. Oh man, did I work through some barrels of garbage from that relationship. And that was just one thing that came up for me last week.

Tammy told me that this week the great stuff will be coming through because we released the crap that doesn't work for us anymore. We've made room for the cool stuff now. Please, God, let her be right. I am so ready for a reprieve.

I've had several people tell me that the mountain in Taos will do one of two things to you. It will either embrace you or spit you out. Well, I think in my first week here I got embraced really tightly and maybe a little abrasively too, but I certainly don't feel like I've been spit out. I'm discovering the power of healing here. I live in one of the most amazing vortexes I've ever experienced. I know there will be more releasing, more vommitting up old crap, and plenty of experiences that will make me want to phone the mothership for quick pick up. However, if I'm not going to cleanse myself here and now, just when will I do it?

I made the intention of living my life in true authenticity. The universe is honoring that, and today I appreciate it. I've had fascinating experiences today that have helped me clarify what I want in my life even more, and I'm grateful. My chiropractor friend told me he wanted to do some "work" on himself and cool things between us. Aaaahhhhh... the relief that flooded me was palpable. I do not have the energy or the time right now to devote to a relationship with a man. I so want to focus on me and how best I can serve this community right now. I'm brand new today. I'm not grown up enough yet to be in a relationship with a lover. I want my freedom to go where I want without having to check with someone else. I want some more time on my own. I want to feel more sure-footed in my new skin. I've been through so much this past week that getting out of bed today was outstanding.

I want to try myself on for awhile. I want to walk around a bit in my new feet. I just want to smell the air with my new nose. I just want to be for awhile, and when that special someone shows up, then I'll be ready. I'm just not ready yet.

show up and shut up

This morning I had just sat down at the dining room table with my hot coffee and watched the balloons rise over the houses. I was minding my own business, enjoying a nice quiet morning to myself when all of a sudden I couldn't sit still any longer. There's a birthing center down the road from me, and I felt the need to get up immediately and talk to someone there about my past job experiences of running health care facilities.


So, without finishing my coffee, brushing my teeth or washing my face, I hoof it over to them, walk in, and spill my story. Now, I have to hand it to the three women who came out to the front desk to hear me. They didn't flinch when the woman sitting down looked up at me and said, "So are you wanting to be a receptionist?"

Without hesitation, I said of course. Now in all honesty, that was the furthest thing from my mind until that moment. She told me that she had taken another position and was not able to fill hers there at the center so she was going to be leaving them without someone at the front desk. She wanted to know how soon I would be able to start.

Let's get this straight. I moved to Taos on Tuesday because why? Well, because it felt right. I found a house to move into, and it just happens to be within walking distance of this business. The man I was dating while living in Santa Fe has close ties to the house I now live in and the birthing center. He also lives right down the street.

Upon coming to Taos I realized that everything I had ever asked for, desired, contemplated on, and wished for was swirled around in a pot of what? It felt as if everything I had ever wanted was a big conglomeration of whatever just showed up. This feeling released me from anything needing to be a certain way. I did not feel it necessary to show up as an energy therapist, as a girlfriend of this chiropractor's, or as a business associate of Tammy's. I just felt the need to show up and shut up, to be totally open to however anything unfolded. I see now how I could have never guessed any of this. I see now how something so much bigger than I could ever imagine is playing out, and any judgments I could possibly have on anything or anyone is so far out in left field that it's not even worth imagining. Nothing in my past is helpful at this point. I have no references for how to live like this. Everything is a possibility. Anyone could be in my life at this point. All labels must be thrown away. Everything begins anew right now.

While working on packaging Tammy's chocolate truffles in the kitchen, we both felt a presence. Then we felt a whole lot of presences. The house was full. The chills were running through both of us, and it felt very crowded all of a sudden. The information that was relayed was just wild, and while listening I was playing a movie in my head of everything I've ever gone through in my life that had led to this moment. I was flabbergasted at how every single thing, every word spoken, every person in my life played such a significant role to get me right here right now.

I am blown away by all of it. The significance I've placed on anything in my life seems so trivial and crazy right now. I think of the... oh, it just doesn't matter. None of it matters.

I am here right now, and it seems it's a place I've been waiting for all my life. I'm meeting people who've just arrived as I have, and it feels as if I've known them forever. I'm meeting soul sisters by the handfuls. We all have similar stories, lived in the same places, and are here together now.

There is something deep within that knows what's going on. There is a peaceful feeling to all of this. I know. I just know. I am here for something so much bigger than I could've even thought possible. So, I just do what I'm inclined to do. The nudgings aren't really nudgings anymore as much as they are shovings -- kicking my ass out the door. There's no second guessing, just a quiet knowing what to do next, and every time I meet someone new I see another piece to this puzzle fitting into place. Every day I wake up to a new me, a new experience of what I am to do, where I am to show up, and just how quickly I am to close my mouth.

Ah... show up and shut up. What a way to live.

back in the Rockies again

Alice

I'm watching the porch mobile outside the kitchen window swing in the breeze. Around and around and around. Right underneath it are two mountain peaks still dusted with gold aspens. If I turn to my right and look out that window I see more peaks, more gold leaves, sagebrush and adobe buildings. The landscaping around this house we're staying in has the most diverse flowers, trees, and bushes I've seen in a long time. I don't know what all of them are, but every time I look outside they seem to be talking to me, telling me to make them into something. The dried flowers turn into heads, twigs into legs, sage into skirts. I can't help myself. I went out and bought glue just so I could make them come to life.

close up of Alice's glam

I've posted a couple of shots of Alice so far. I don't think she's dolled up enough, but it's a start. Alice can't keep herself from dancing. She reminds me of Tammy in the grocery store with her earbuds in. Her body is jiving to tunes no one else hears, but she's having a great time. And now that's Alice. Even though she's lying on top of a box with the other creatures I've been working on, she can't stop moving. I find dustings of sage and yarrow on the floor, and I know it's from her inability to keep still.

All the bushes and flowers outside are swinging and swaying. The wind chimes are whipping around. There's movement everywhere around me, and I'm alone in the house, but the last thing I feel is alone. I feel warmth and excitement and sizzling energy. Something's cooking over here, and I feel it. The mobile outside the window twists and turns. The chimes swing back and forth under the porch. There's sparks in the air from so much movement. I sit at my laptop feeling the surges of whatever this is going on around me. I anticipate something without knowing what it is. It's like Christmas morning as a kid when you know, you absolutely know that there's so much waiting for you under the tree. You've been eyeballing those packages for days. You've been shaking them, feeling them, and sliding the tape just a little to get an inside peek at the lettering on the boxes, and now... Yes, right now the only thing that's keeping you from finding out what's in those boxes is the length of time it takes for you to get from where you are to where they are. The anticipation is mounting. Your heart beat s faster. Your imagination goes wild with pictures of every single thing you've ever asked for, until boom! You're under the tree grabbing the first package you can, ripping open the paper without even looking at it until you see the box, until you can open that sucker with wild abandonment and peer inside. The happiness, the joy, the thrill is enough to make you explode. You got just what you wanted...

That's how I feel right now. There's something in the air that thrills me with such great anticipation that I think I'm going to explode with excitement, and I don't even know what it is. But I feel it. I taste it. I smell it. Something's on the verge of popping into our lives with such great joy. We'll finally be able to open that package, and realize what's inside. I'll guarantee you one thing, it'll be better than we could ever

the icing on my cake

My first full day in Taos was today. I worked at a store that now has my artwork hanging, and then I volunteered with Tammy handing out Free Trade literature and chocolates at a Halloween event. First day in town and on my feet all day, meeting new people and spending time with friends. And speaking of friends, we stopped by a store owned by someone we recently met in town and looked at all that she's selling. Not only that, she had quite a bit of her own artwork for sale. The once Ms. Corporate America chucked it all for a life doing what she loves. The same goes for the two people who also have products in the store where I worked this morning. The women on either side of this store do the same. I am here in Taos surrounded by artists.


Finally, Tammy and I made our way over to a coffee shop where we talked to the barista, who we'd met before and knew him to be a massage therapist. Well, today we found out in between cups of coffee that he also carves beautiful figures out of stone. Then he introduces us to the man sitting to my right, who happened to also be a stone carver. Then, in walked a man who supplies them with a lot of their stone. Again, here I was surrounded by artists. The stone collector said he'd never had a job in his life. He only did what he loved.

I've never been in a community of people before that followed their dreams so religiously. This is common practice here. The desire for material things doesn't exist with these people. Simplicity and joy in what they're doing is everything. A good day starts sitting at the coffee shop first thing in the morning philosophising and slowing down. We were asked to join them in the morning because "women were needed -- too many men."

These are people who have few time constraints, a whole lot of dreaming going on, and excited creativity brewing. Wow! I found home.

Another thing I find fascinating is that none of these people drink. They don't hang out in bars. Instead they're in coffee shops, their stores, or their studios. I'm rather taken with this whole concept. They absolutely love what they do with their time. They're happy and open with others. I can't tell you how many people I now call my friends here in Taos, and last night was my first night to spend here.

We're staying in a beautiful home, luxurious in fact. The man who owns it is out of town. He left his key with the person I worked with today, and he met Tammy and I just last Wednesday. We spent maybe a couple of hours together and then he offered us his house. Welcome home, Jill and Tammy. Welcome home indeed.

And then there's the men we've met. I met my guy about a month ago, and now he lives down the street from me here in Taos. Honest to God, the nicest man I've ever met. I didn't think much of a sustainable relationship with him, because it hasn't felt like anything I've ever had before -- no fireworks, no craziness, no longing, no needing anything from each other. Just this amazing comfortable, lovely feeling when I'm with him or when I think about him. We went out last night. We christened my new place, and this morning while I was working, he came to see me. I just looked up from the front desk and saw him walk through the door. I didn't know I could smile so broadly. I also had this little blip that flashed through my head -- I saw us doing this years down the road. Nice...

Now, Tammy and I are looking at opening a storefront of our own while still having my artwork in two different stores right now, and running businesses on the internet. We're also writing articles, putting together book material, and creating product line for the new store.

A lot has happened since I first met Tammy last June. We are not the same people, not even close. We're much calmer, more sure of what we want, and determined to get it, no matter what. And magically, the people and circumstances keep appearing. Over and over and over. Yes, we get discouraged. Yes, we get overwhelmed. And, yes, many times we've thought of throwing in the towel and just getting jobs. Then we moved to Taos and were met by so many people who have done exactly what it is we set out to do. Their joy is palpable. Their lives are simple and fun and full of friends. Sitting with them this evening made me more sure that this is what I want, this is where I want to do it, and to have Tammy and my guy with me is truly the best icing on this girl's cake!

in gratitude for you

I don't awake a new person each morning as much as shedding the old and worn out and becoming more of who I really am. Every day I feel closer to the magnificence within. It's as if I shed layers of clothing that are now too big and bulky and the next layer of clothes shines through.


I feel myself propelling forward so quickly that I'm no longer able to speak the same language. I hear others' words that I used to understand, and now they are just words. I am the dreamer in my dream. I get to play with the words, the sounds, the images around me and put them where I will. I open my heart and feel the pull towards me, like a strong magnet of mammoth proportions, exactly what I want. When I say "exactly" I mean exactly what my intention is, not necessarily what I "see" in my mind's eye. What shows up is far beyond what I could've seen. It's larger than my imagination allows.

I feel as if I can whisk my way through this dream, and dream it the way I desire. I can paint it with the finest of oils. I can play the most melodious and brilliant tunes to create an album worth listening to and be able to watch the notes turn into my highest possibilities. I am the maestro of my own orchestra, and the symphony is glorious.

I painted the sky this morning with the most sensual shade of cerulean. I threaded the clouds with the creamiest texture of whiteness. This is my universe. This is my creation this morning. I sink into this knowingness and become peace. In this place of calm I feel the rest of my canvas being filled with those things, people, and situations that are best for me. I feel their pull as if they've been waiting eons for me to realize this magic within me and become the magnet to draw them in. I see the faces of those waiting for me. "We don't care what took you so long. We're just so happy you're finally here," they seem to tell me. I don't have to ask who they are because I feel their hearts and know them well.

Every day there's less need for me to speak. My words are more potent in silence. My words limit what my energy reveals. This energy draws me toward people who are being drawn to me. Without saying much we know we are here to play in this world together now. We can look in the eyes and know. We can feel with our hearts and know. We know we are here for each other, with each other, and because of each other. It's a glorious movie to watch. The twists and turns become fluid and sweet and calming. The knowledge that everything is as it should be allows me the ability to feel my way forward. I trust implicitly. I love unconditionally, and the colors I see with my vision make up the most brilliant souls who have come to play with me. I am in awe, and I am in so much love.

I can look back on my life, and without recognizing the part played by me, I can see how every person, every situation helped transform me into who I am today. The vastness of experiences in the last 4 years have been the most exponential changes I've ever gone through. I am so grateful to every single person who has joined me on this journey. I am grateful to every word they spoke to me and every action they took whether I felt the love in it then or not. It is because of those feelings that arose in me during all the parts played in my life that I have finally arrived here at this moment.

And, in this moment I am more than I've ever shown myself to be in any lifetime. I know who I am right now. I know with such clarity that it humbles me to be me. I bow my head in such gratitude for the love I live in, for the love that I am. Thank you to every single being who has played with me, and especially to the ones that are showing up now. I wrap myself in your divinity and we live in the oneness that is. Thank you so much.

our house

Power of Decisions is a video I was sent on Facebook that illustrates what it is I'm talking about in this post. Kidest is the speaker, and a woman so wise beyond her years. I highly recommend you taking a look at her blogs and listening to this video. I found it very powerful, and it's exactly what Tammy and I did yesterday. Read the rest of the post and see what happened and is still happening...

Yesterday Tammy and I had the intention of going to Taos to look at a house we had our eye on. I found the listing and the pictures on the internet and we both fell in love with what we saw. I just knew that was our house. I pictured us there, doing dishes in that sink, making salads on that counter, and enjoying our friends at that dining room table.

When it came time to set a time and get directions to the place, the owner let me know that she’d already rented it. When I put down the phone, my first and only thought was: no, she didn’t. In the meantime, I set another appointment for us to see another house.

Driving to Taos I just basked in the knowledge that all was working out perfectly, no matter what it looked like. No matter what. No second guessing. No trying to figure anything out. Just relax into the moment. I was sitting in that car, riding through the mountains just higher than a kite because I was feeling the love, baby.

When we finally arrived at Linda’s little place out in the country, I hated it. I looked around, and I said no way, no way. Not for me, missy.

Next stop, the plaza. Tammy parked in a parking lot that we really weren’t planning on going into, and the first shop we walked to was a business where Tammy had met the owner years ago, and the owner wanted to work with her. Turned out the owner was still interested. While Tammy was talking with her, I wandered down the pedestrian walkway a bit until I came across a fabric shop. As I was walking up the steps, my phone rang. It was the woman who owned the original house we wanted. She asked if we’d still be interested in seeing the place, because the renters backed out. After making business arrangements with two other shop owners, we did go see the house. Now, understand I did not have appointments with these people, had never met them before, but they were positioned in my path so prominantly that I would have had to trip over them if I hadn't stopped and talked with them. Boom! Two business deals in the works. Just like that.

And now back to the house -- it comes with a dog, two bedrooms, and two baths. We’d already seen ourselves in that house. We'd already seen our family and friends eating at the table with us, and enjoying the sunsets over the mountains. The patio had furniture and a grill, just what a raw food eater like Tammy could get excited about. However, the men in our lives and I would love a slab of meat cooked over that flame.

After seeing our house, we connected with my lovely friend up there at a coffee shop and were having great fun with him, when another man comes in, sits with us, and the night just flew by.

On the drive home last night, Tammy and I were talking about how easy all those connections were made. When we stepped away from how to make anything happen and just let it evolve, the most beautiful people and situations turned up. We could not have figured out a better solution if we’d put years of thought into it.

We settled in for the night thinking that the surprises were over… Oh, you’d think we’d stop thinking, because then Tammy’s phone rang. It wasn’t until this morning when I got up and talked with her that I found out just how magical that call turned out to be. That’s her story, and I’m not going to tell it, but I just want you to know that when the thoughts disappear, when you allow the feelings of joy to fill you… oh my…

Don’t buy into what you see with your eyes or what you hear with your ears as much as how those things make you feel. If you let your heart lead you in that way, ah… Life is just magical.

I don’t know how we’re going to get the house or when or any other factors. I know that it felt good in that house. I know the dog wants us there. I know the owner wants us there, and there’s nothing else I need to know for the moment. I focus on living there, enjoying being in it, waking up in my bedroom, showering in my bathroom, having my friend sleep over, and fix him coffee in the morning. I see all of that so clearly because I feel how joyful it is for me to be in that home. I feel it. I feel it more than anything else right now. And that’s all that matters. At least for right now.

my heaven

Carlos Nakai is playing in my ears right now, and I'm feeling slushy. Music, certain music, leaves me feeling so pliable that I could be a puddle on the floor while listening to it. That's how I'm feeling right now. My friend introduced me to this, and I remember being at his house after spending the most delicious night with him, wearing his clothes to lounge in and stretched out on his couch while he went to the kitchen for our coffee. His t-shirt was a short dress on me, and I cinched his pj pants quite a bit so they would stay up. He put the speakers on the back of the couch adjusting them to either side of my head, and the flute and drums lulled me. He brought my cup of coffee already altered with my cream and stevia and nestled in beside me. There was never, or has been yet, another moment of such undiluted peace. When I think of perfection, I remember that moment. When I feel utter serenity, it is from the experience of that moment.


Tranquility... the best word I can use to describe my time with him.

Last summer when I began doing energy work again, Tammy had asked me what one word best describes what people get from my sessions, and I said peace. That's why I wanted to do sessions so much. I wanted to be in that peace. I wanted to live in that peace, and the only way I knew how to get it so quickly, to surround myself in it so deliberately was to do sessions. A dear friend and colleague had told me when I first started doing this work that the sessions were only for my ability to get into that energetic space. The energy didn't come to me to do sessions, but to embody that peace, that home-feeling. And now, that's what has happened. I embody that energy without doing sessions. I feel it instantly. I wrap myself in it, and am it. I now feel it going from my heart to the person I'm thinking about or the people around me. It's the most astonishing thing.

One of the major transitions it has caused in my life is that I cannot do life like I used to. I listen to people who live the corporate American way, and I can't fathom their way of life or their way of thinking. They spit out beliefs that they've been taught. Their thinking is so finite, and rigid. I look at them. I listen to their words, and the energy I feel just grows and radiates between us. I don't know if they feel it at all, but it is overwhelmingly beautiful and peaceful to me. I can hear their distinct different ways of life, their insistence that they must have a retirement account, medical benefits, work overtime, bust their humps, and be so very, very grateful after putting in about 100 hours a week for their paycheck because after all, where would they be without it?

Sweet jesus did I do the same thing at one time! There was no way I could possibly see the world than through insurance claims, medical exam forms, patient files, unemployment insurance tax, payroll, bills, bills, and more bills... mortgages, business loans, car loans, school loans... the lists of what to do, the lists that never got completed, the lists that just got longer, the lists that kept me from being, the lists that were my gods... I used to have retirement accounts that I believed in so much that I funded them before giving to me. They were my saints I prayed to -- keep growing and be there when I need you. I remember those big insurance payments that came in the mail that I would deposit in those ever-growing bank accounts. They must've been the gods I worshiped because I thought about them a lot. I relied on them too too much. I insisted on their being my security. I was guaranteed a life of leisure if I kept at it, depositing those funds in those banks, those stocks, those portfolios... Those were my tickets to my dreams, baby. I bought that story hook, line, and sinker. I bought it until there was nothing left of me to buy for.

I gave it all up and walked away. After 32 years with one person, I moved to another town and started over. And what I've learned is that I wasn't done walking away from that which didn't serve me anymore. Everything is energy, and those things from that relationship carried that energy I no longer wanted in my life, so I kept giving it away and leaving it behind, and then walking forward unencumbered. That's when all the old shit really rose to the surface. I didn't have anything to cover it up with. Suddenly my old worn-out beliefs reared their ugly, ugly heads. Dammit, right when I thought I was in the clear too...

So, the month or so that Tammy and I have been here in New Mexico I have been going through so much transformations, as has Tammy, but I'm only speaking for me here. The transitions have been so dramatic it's as if I awake an entirely new person every morning. I feel as if I need to introduce myself to Tammy every morning when we sit at the dining room table with our coffee and laptops. First, though I have to reacquaint myself with me. The night trips, wherever it is I go, have become incredibly adventurous, and the me that awakes is truly in a foreign country. I must relearn the language, the habits, the way of life here, because my "here" has transformed. My "here" is more and more like what I had imagined heaven to be when I was a little girl in my school uniform sitting in front of nuns. Not their heaven, but mine.

Simplicity is another word I've embraced since redoing me. I find I have more energy without taking care of what I used to own. I rely solely on my Source, knowing full well that everything I desire is mine. There is such peace in that knowingness. And when I desire peace first and foremost, it's mine for the basking in whenever I so choose.

today, still?

I've been sort of here today. This morning was spent on the computer writing like a fiend. Tammy and I have so many projects in the works now, and so many lovely, wonderful things to do together. What's been interesting is that when I got done, pulled out my earbuds where Native American flute music was serenading me, and then looking around the room at Tammy and our laptops, it was a whole new world. I didn't know where I was. I didn't know how long I'd been there. I looked at the dining room table, the neighborhood outside the window, the ravens flying overhead, and at Tammy as if I'd never seen any of it before. I spent the rest of the day with great difficulty just being in my body. It felt as if the real Jill had checked out completely and had already moved to Taos. I was needing to just catch up with her.


After "struggling" to be aware of my surroundings all day, I'm so wiped out because so much was released today -- old beliefs, nonsense about myself, relationships with money and men. Just old crap that hasn't served me. Boom. Gone. And now I'm spent. I had dinner, took a shower and have been in bed typing on the computer and listening to my Native American flute music.

We're headed to Taos in the morning. I told Tammy tonight that after our little over a month stay here in Santa Fe we have gone through more transformations than in all of our lifetimes. I don't even recognize the woman I was before coming here. Now, it's time to celebrate. Now, it's time to kick up our heels a bit and enjoy the new Tammy and Jill Show. It's been a roller coaster ride these past few weeks, and it's time to commemorate us, our willingness to go down the paths we've chosen, to do the things in life most don't do, and the amazing growth and expansion that has occurred because of it.