in gratitude for you

I don't awake a new person each morning as much as shedding the old and worn out and becoming more of who I really am. Every day I feel closer to the magnificence within. It's as if I shed layers of clothing that are now too big and bulky and the next layer of clothes shines through.


I feel myself propelling forward so quickly that I'm no longer able to speak the same language. I hear others' words that I used to understand, and now they are just words. I am the dreamer in my dream. I get to play with the words, the sounds, the images around me and put them where I will. I open my heart and feel the pull towards me, like a strong magnet of mammoth proportions, exactly what I want. When I say "exactly" I mean exactly what my intention is, not necessarily what I "see" in my mind's eye. What shows up is far beyond what I could've seen. It's larger than my imagination allows.

I feel as if I can whisk my way through this dream, and dream it the way I desire. I can paint it with the finest of oils. I can play the most melodious and brilliant tunes to create an album worth listening to and be able to watch the notes turn into my highest possibilities. I am the maestro of my own orchestra, and the symphony is glorious.

I painted the sky this morning with the most sensual shade of cerulean. I threaded the clouds with the creamiest texture of whiteness. This is my universe. This is my creation this morning. I sink into this knowingness and become peace. In this place of calm I feel the rest of my canvas being filled with those things, people, and situations that are best for me. I feel their pull as if they've been waiting eons for me to realize this magic within me and become the magnet to draw them in. I see the faces of those waiting for me. "We don't care what took you so long. We're just so happy you're finally here," they seem to tell me. I don't have to ask who they are because I feel their hearts and know them well.

Every day there's less need for me to speak. My words are more potent in silence. My words limit what my energy reveals. This energy draws me toward people who are being drawn to me. Without saying much we know we are here to play in this world together now. We can look in the eyes and know. We can feel with our hearts and know. We know we are here for each other, with each other, and because of each other. It's a glorious movie to watch. The twists and turns become fluid and sweet and calming. The knowledge that everything is as it should be allows me the ability to feel my way forward. I trust implicitly. I love unconditionally, and the colors I see with my vision make up the most brilliant souls who have come to play with me. I am in awe, and I am in so much love.

I can look back on my life, and without recognizing the part played by me, I can see how every person, every situation helped transform me into who I am today. The vastness of experiences in the last 4 years have been the most exponential changes I've ever gone through. I am so grateful to every single person who has joined me on this journey. I am grateful to every word they spoke to me and every action they took whether I felt the love in it then or not. It is because of those feelings that arose in me during all the parts played in my life that I have finally arrived here at this moment.

And, in this moment I am more than I've ever shown myself to be in any lifetime. I know who I am right now. I know with such clarity that it humbles me to be me. I bow my head in such gratitude for the love I live in, for the love that I am. Thank you to every single being who has played with me, and especially to the ones that are showing up now. I wrap myself in your divinity and we live in the oneness that is. Thank you so much.

To excavating -- may they be fewer and less painful

I have been known to be a master at many things, but lately it's been the mastery of self-excavation that I've buried myself in. And this has been excruciatingly painful. Some people may call it the dark night of the soul, but let me just say it's been a whole lot longer than a night.

For those who don't know, I ended a 32 year relationship a couple of years ago. Thinking that I was cool, wonderful, ready to move on, etc. I did just that. I moved to another town and began what I called at that time different relationships with different men. What I know now is that I had many one-night stands with the same men over and over because it never went deeper than that. There were no self-excavations or self-examinations, for that matter.

However, I've formed a relationship with a man that has been different from anything I've experienced before. We chose to be honest with each other, to be in integrity with each other, and those intentions have set in motion this time bomb within me that just exploded. As James Arthur Ray says, "What's suppressed will be expressed at a later date in uglier ways." I know for a fact that it is not only true, but a huge understatement.

Let's just call this man Sam from Seattle. Sam was only trying to help me with my computer, installing anti-viral computer software that he had given my daughter and me to protect both our computers. I tried to install it with no luck. My daughter attempts it. Again, with no chance in hell of it working, and for some reason, when he calls me to see if we'd gotten it installed, I chose to jump into an old pattern so quickly that I didn't know what hit me. Beautiful, wonderful Sam turned into the ex who used to wag his finger at me, raising his voice, and making it clear to anyone in shouting distance that I was pretty much nothing more than stupid.

What? Where did my sanity go? How I could've switched from one reality to another so quickly is still a mystery to me, but somehow I flew into craziness and set up shop as its mayor, because for the past few days, I have been out of my mind creating scenarios that only someone who needs to be put away would come up with.

Why?

Because someone whom I love very much said something benign to me that sent me down this rabbit hole of remembering the verbal outbursts I had experienced with an ex. At first, I would take the ex's words in as truth, learning that I wasn't worth shit, that it was okay to belittle me, to interrogate me, and to chastise me. I showed this man that my self-worth was nowhere to be found and apparently it was okay to shit on me any chance he got. Then I learned to wrap those words around me for protection. I didn't let anyone else in. I formed what I had called relationships with men doing whatever it took to please them, convinced that would entice them to love me. I never went into deep conversations with them. It just became about sex pretty quickly in every situation so that I could keep my mouth busy without having to talk. I thought I had grown so much after leaving the ex, and I did, but the growth that really matters is just now coming out into the open.

And it hurts.

Badly.

This dear, sweet man that I truly love has been allowed in. He's been allowed into my world that I had even hidden from myself. And when he came in, the ugliness that I had been hiding for most of my life surfaced. The inability to truly treasure myself and to know my self-worth rushed to the forefront with such urgency, it left me gasping for air. I'm just now breathing, and it's days later.

Every loud word, ugly accusation, etc. that I endured jetted forward, oozing out of every cell in my body. Not only do I hurt from head to toe, but my throat feels like it has been burned by hot lava that spewed from the volcanic eruption that started in the pit of my stomach. An amazing friend called me tonight "out of the blue" and she began coughing until she couldn't speak. Before losing her ability to talk, she let me know that before that moment she was having no issues with her throat at all. Amazingly, she felt the choking and fire that I was experiencing. Now, that was remarkable. I was in awe of how I saw first hand, that we truly are one.

This whole experience has been a true testament to the magnificence of the workings of the universe. Here I thought I was dripping in evolvement and enlightenment. After all, I'd been working with a shaman for years, and lately working with James Arthur Ray. I'd been reading spiritual books, and absorbing everything possible that I felt led me down the path of higher vibrational living. I just knew I had my shit together.

And then -- WHAM!

I've been expelling shit for days now.

I found my ipod and have been listening to a psychic reading I had a year ago. She (the psychic) says that there will be an amazing being that shows up in my life, someone who has "the genius code and lives the mastery that he is." And then she says that I must be that person myself to attract this man. Well, I did have moments of that mastery until remnants of who I was smacked me upside the head with the memories of verbal abuse. Verbal abuse, my daughter reminded me, that I had allowed to occur. I had taught her dad how to treat me. And she is absolutely right. I taught another human being to shit on me because that was the only treatment I thought I was worthy of back then. Now, I know I'm worthy of so much more, and as this new man showers me with his affection in the form of fixing my computer, I retreat into a fetal position. Hm...makes so much sense, does it not? Where did I get this formula for success? I'm thinking my parents wasted a lot of money on my education.

So now, I'm digging myself out of this hole I buried myself into a few days ago. I'm watching the perfection of the universe show up as beautiful beings come to my aid with kind words, loving gestures, and today, a beautiful man singing to me outside about how wonderful I look tonight. How amazing is all of this? I've had extraordinary phone calls today from people I haven't talked to in a while. C'mon, a singer sings outside of a bistro to me and my daughter as people walked by. What a completely perfect day.

So, thank you, Universe! Thank you, Buzz, for the wonderful song, and to let you know it does not take tequila for me to see how beautiful you are.

Thank you, Mindie, for the truly over the top conversation today.

Cathy, thank you for the healing you offered me. It was so heartfelt and incredibly kind. And, to Emily for her sweet phone call to let me know you're all right.

Alyssa, thank you for always being there for me and certainly putting up with my craziness. You are the best that has ever happened to me!

And lastly, to this kind man who was only trying to help me, thank you for the help you really gave me. I am becoming brand new, and whatever that means for us, I am grateful. If there is an us -- cool, and if there's not, that's cool too. I only wish you the best of everything, whatever that happens to be and whoever that happens to be with. In any case, I'm grateful to you for triggering this journey I've taken to excavate the things in me that no longer serve me. When the excavation is over, the beauty that remains is going to be beyond compare. I can't wait to see what it is.

Is this a dream?

I've been working like a crazy person learning a new internet marketing program at the expense of all outside stimuli, and some inside ones like sleeping and eating. For whatever reason, yesterday evening I sat still on the couch. Suddenly I saw and felt waves of energy that were so thick they were palpable. I could "see" how everything around me was just energy waves undulating in rhythmic patterns flowing around me and through me. I had the most astounding visual of how we really are connected to everything we desire. I actually saw how the law of attraction works. I saw the offer waves I put out resonating with echo waves that formed interference patterns right before me, and everything I ever desired was always just right there, but since my attention had previously been elsewhere I could never see any of it until last night. I could reach out and feel the waves. I could see how my hand was just a light flowing through it all until an interference pattern was formed, and then poof! there was my flesh-covered hand. Amazing...

James Arthur Ray has been teaching this. I took his workshop on lucid dreaming last month, and last night it came together in such a beautiful way. It was visible and tangible to me. It was no longer just theory. It made sense. And the first "thought" that appeared was: this is the key to the kingdom. It's the moments where we're truly connected in a conscious way that brings to us what we want, not the jumping from one activity to another in a frantic pace.

Late last night instead of staying up on the computer, I went to bed and immersed myself in this energy. I laid there and felt it. I saw the workings of it. I saw my part in it. I felt the source. I mean I FELT it.

I must've fallen asleep, been in an altered state, or whatever, when a friend called me. When he began talking to me, I was listening to his words and felt his presence in the room. It felt as though he had always been there even though he was in another state. The more he talked, the more I realized that his experiences were mine. I saw no space between us. His words came out of my mouth. His thoughts were in my head. When my hand moved, it was his. I knew what he was going to say before he said it. I even said the same words that others had told him earlier that day. He told me experiences that I too had had in exactly the same way.

I knew he had always been with me as long as there has been a me. I heard his voice. I felt his touch, and I knew that there was no difference between him and me. We are one and always have been. There's never been anything else.

That's when I discovered what love really is. It is everything. There's nothing else but this infinite capacity to love because we are nothing but that. I felt for this man the most tranquilizing love that radiated from him to me enveloping us as one dynamic light. By loving him, I embraced all in me. I said yes to me when I opened my heart to him.

I don't know where this relationship is going. I do know that, besides my daughter, I've never felt this way about anyone, including myself. I know that this love that has erupted is genuine and everlasting no matter what it looks like in this dream called life. I know that right here and right now in this only moment that by loving this man so deeply, that I also love the deepest part of who I am because he and I are one.

In a few days we will be together physically, and truly I feel it is my obligation to the world to tell everyone to strap on their seatbelts because the love we express between us will absolutely rock the planet. It can do nothing less.