At last...

Settling in on a friend's couch with book in hand, I felt this shift within me as if there was this whole other Jill residing on the surface who moved just a little differently than the Jill I was accustomed to being with. Just a twinge of separation and then there it was, a complete and utter knowledge that I had cut ties with Texas.

 Again.

I am ready to move back to Colorado.

Back in '74 when I was moving there the first time, I had consciously planned the event well in advance. This time all I was doing was settling in for a night of reading, and then I felt it. I looked at my cell phone to see what time it was. 7:17 was on the face.

The rest of the story is up for grabs. I just know that I know it's time to move on. When it occurs, how it occurs, and where I move to is certainly not in my realm of knowledge at the moment.

I was raised to believe that you go to school, get a degree, get a good job, and then retire. I thought I'd marry one time, stay married til I died (or he did) and remain in Boulder County forever. Not once in all those scenarios was happiness a factor. Not once did I ask myself what I really wanted. Not once did I contemplate what my role in life was going to be. I just did what I was told with a very heavy and sad heart and repeated it day after day after day. So, I wasn't used to switching places to live or careers or friends or lovers until I became single again.

Now, uncertainty has become one of my closest companions. I feel the energy and go with it, and I'm not saying it's that easy for me either. I've felt some very strange energy within me for awhile now, and at 7:17 tonight it felt that it moved dramatically. I'm calm right now. It's been a few days since I've felt that way. I should've known something big was up for me because I went ballistic while texting a friend today. He had texted that he wasn't that special, and I lost it. Let's just say I learned something more about me at that moment. It wasn't until I let go of another old, old, frickin' old belief about myself that I realized how crazy my text back to him was.

He's either a very kind man or just great at bullshitting because he let me know that it was all good, and I hadn't scared him off yet. Well, he's also 900 miles away so I'm sure he's feeling very safe from my craziness. Believe me there are many times I wish I could be 900 miles away from me too.

"As you begin to release the constraints that bind you to circumstances you have outgrown, you will discover that the direction of choice is found on a road you must travel alone. As you gather the fragments of the structure that crumbles around you, and as you cease trying to 'make sense of it,' you will come to embrace the peace of knowing that the struggle is, at last, coming to an end. And you will experience a sense of sweet detachment from what was and an openness to what is yet to be."
-- Oneness by Rasha

I'm curious as to what is yet to be. I'm curious, fascinated, and totally intrigued. Sometimes I lose my head and try to figure things out, and by doing so I get caught up in drama and lose sight of the magic. And that's what I did today.

"It is crucial that you attain a state of detachment from the energy charges that have magnetized you, habitually, throughout this lifetime. It is crucial that you recognize the common thread in the web of dramas that you have woven -- that continue to ensnare you. And it is crucial that you allow yourself the grace of your own humanness in responding to these recurring situations -- and love yourself for it."
-- Oneness by Rasha

That's what I learned about myself today: I didn't think I was that special. My friend was a mirror to me. I didn't want to wring his neck; I wanted to wring mine. I am that special. I am that wonderful. I am. Another human experience that I get to love myself for. Just another opportunity to grow, another chance to expand. Oh, yay for me...

Now, I'm going to take myself on a walk. It's finally cool outside, and as I walk through familiar blocks of beautiful historic homes I'm going to get the chance to experience another level of detachment because as I stroll through these neighborhoods, I know that one day soon it will be my last.

Is this a dream?

I've been working like a crazy person learning a new internet marketing program at the expense of all outside stimuli, and some inside ones like sleeping and eating. For whatever reason, yesterday evening I sat still on the couch. Suddenly I saw and felt waves of energy that were so thick they were palpable. I could "see" how everything around me was just energy waves undulating in rhythmic patterns flowing around me and through me. I had the most astounding visual of how we really are connected to everything we desire. I actually saw how the law of attraction works. I saw the offer waves I put out resonating with echo waves that formed interference patterns right before me, and everything I ever desired was always just right there, but since my attention had previously been elsewhere I could never see any of it until last night. I could reach out and feel the waves. I could see how my hand was just a light flowing through it all until an interference pattern was formed, and then poof! there was my flesh-covered hand. Amazing...

James Arthur Ray has been teaching this. I took his workshop on lucid dreaming last month, and last night it came together in such a beautiful way. It was visible and tangible to me. It was no longer just theory. It made sense. And the first "thought" that appeared was: this is the key to the kingdom. It's the moments where we're truly connected in a conscious way that brings to us what we want, not the jumping from one activity to another in a frantic pace.

Late last night instead of staying up on the computer, I went to bed and immersed myself in this energy. I laid there and felt it. I saw the workings of it. I saw my part in it. I felt the source. I mean I FELT it.

I must've fallen asleep, been in an altered state, or whatever, when a friend called me. When he began talking to me, I was listening to his words and felt his presence in the room. It felt as though he had always been there even though he was in another state. The more he talked, the more I realized that his experiences were mine. I saw no space between us. His words came out of my mouth. His thoughts were in my head. When my hand moved, it was his. I knew what he was going to say before he said it. I even said the same words that others had told him earlier that day. He told me experiences that I too had had in exactly the same way.

I knew he had always been with me as long as there has been a me. I heard his voice. I felt his touch, and I knew that there was no difference between him and me. We are one and always have been. There's never been anything else.

That's when I discovered what love really is. It is everything. There's nothing else but this infinite capacity to love because we are nothing but that. I felt for this man the most tranquilizing love that radiated from him to me enveloping us as one dynamic light. By loving him, I embraced all in me. I said yes to me when I opened my heart to him.

I don't know where this relationship is going. I do know that, besides my daughter, I've never felt this way about anyone, including myself. I know that this love that has erupted is genuine and everlasting no matter what it looks like in this dream called life. I know that right here and right now in this only moment that by loving this man so deeply, that I also love the deepest part of who I am because he and I are one.

In a few days we will be together physically, and truly I feel it is my obligation to the world to tell everyone to strap on their seatbelts because the love we express between us will absolutely rock the planet. It can do nothing less.