in gratitude for you

I don't awake a new person each morning as much as shedding the old and worn out and becoming more of who I really am. Every day I feel closer to the magnificence within. It's as if I shed layers of clothing that are now too big and bulky and the next layer of clothes shines through.


I feel myself propelling forward so quickly that I'm no longer able to speak the same language. I hear others' words that I used to understand, and now they are just words. I am the dreamer in my dream. I get to play with the words, the sounds, the images around me and put them where I will. I open my heart and feel the pull towards me, like a strong magnet of mammoth proportions, exactly what I want. When I say "exactly" I mean exactly what my intention is, not necessarily what I "see" in my mind's eye. What shows up is far beyond what I could've seen. It's larger than my imagination allows.

I feel as if I can whisk my way through this dream, and dream it the way I desire. I can paint it with the finest of oils. I can play the most melodious and brilliant tunes to create an album worth listening to and be able to watch the notes turn into my highest possibilities. I am the maestro of my own orchestra, and the symphony is glorious.

I painted the sky this morning with the most sensual shade of cerulean. I threaded the clouds with the creamiest texture of whiteness. This is my universe. This is my creation this morning. I sink into this knowingness and become peace. In this place of calm I feel the rest of my canvas being filled with those things, people, and situations that are best for me. I feel their pull as if they've been waiting eons for me to realize this magic within me and become the magnet to draw them in. I see the faces of those waiting for me. "We don't care what took you so long. We're just so happy you're finally here," they seem to tell me. I don't have to ask who they are because I feel their hearts and know them well.

Every day there's less need for me to speak. My words are more potent in silence. My words limit what my energy reveals. This energy draws me toward people who are being drawn to me. Without saying much we know we are here to play in this world together now. We can look in the eyes and know. We can feel with our hearts and know. We know we are here for each other, with each other, and because of each other. It's a glorious movie to watch. The twists and turns become fluid and sweet and calming. The knowledge that everything is as it should be allows me the ability to feel my way forward. I trust implicitly. I love unconditionally, and the colors I see with my vision make up the most brilliant souls who have come to play with me. I am in awe, and I am in so much love.

I can look back on my life, and without recognizing the part played by me, I can see how every person, every situation helped transform me into who I am today. The vastness of experiences in the last 4 years have been the most exponential changes I've ever gone through. I am so grateful to every single person who has joined me on this journey. I am grateful to every word they spoke to me and every action they took whether I felt the love in it then or not. It is because of those feelings that arose in me during all the parts played in my life that I have finally arrived here at this moment.

And, in this moment I am more than I've ever shown myself to be in any lifetime. I know who I am right now. I know with such clarity that it humbles me to be me. I bow my head in such gratitude for the love I live in, for the love that I am. Thank you to every single being who has played with me, and especially to the ones that are showing up now. I wrap myself in your divinity and we live in the oneness that is. Thank you so much.

energy experiments

I love playing with energy. I work with it all day long. I use it to create my world. You do too, but you probably aren't so conscious of it, or maybe you are.

I've been having the most extraordinary experiences with men and their energies. As a matter of fact, just writing about it is revving up my motor. And now, I have access to computerized technology that can calibrate how this energy affects my body.

If you haven't guessed yet, I'm talking about how making love with a man energetically affects my body. I've had a couple of men volunteer for the job, quite readily, I might add, and they both do extraordinary jobs.

Thankfully, one of them texted me with what he does to make love to me energetically. Our conversation went like this:

Him: It's all about setting intent and channelling the energy effectively to produce a rhythmic pulse of sensual intensity.

Me: What did you experience?

Him: The initial twenty minutes of focusing on you, finding you, then visualizing the experience, then into sleep and the dream of you - the experience magnified and colored by the freedom of the dreamworld... Then finally waking and feeling more strongly energized than for days.

Me: Wow... I still feel you on me and in me. Woke up feeling that way. For me it was pure pleasure of feeling every inch of me being caressed. A very LOVING experience, not about sex.

Him: Yes, that sounds right... I still feel the connection... Sex may form part of the vessel through which the energy is carried but it is the experience of closeness and connection that is delivered which is relevant and still present.

Me: I felt like I was being kissed all over my face and that is something very new. The energy was so loving and real and when I woke up this morning the first thought was: I have been well loved.

So, why am I interested in playing with energy like this? Because I'm discovering more and more that my energetic world is creating my physical one. When I play in the energies that feel good, it's amazing what shows up in my physical world.

I've seen how this trail has created lovely interactions in my life lately, the most noticeable one being that men are showing up in droves. I come from a place of already having a man/men in my life. Energetically I feel men all day long, and in my physical world they come. I get phone calls, text messages, Facebook messages, emails, dates, etc. all day long from men, lovely, attentive, gorgeous men. When I go out, men I've never met before buy me drinks and dinner. This has never happened to me before. Never. When you change within, the outside changes. And what I've changed is how I feel about myself. I feel love for myself, and I feel so very loved by others.

That's what I want to impart in this blog. That by paying attention to our energy and creating passionate relationships with ourselves and others, we create that same passionate experience in the physical. It may not show up the same way, but believe me it shows up. When I have nights like I've described here, I awake with peace. I open my eyes to a life filled with unconditional love. Nights like I've described here are done with unconditional love for another being. It's an experience of not only being one with another, but being all there is. It's not only opening your heart to another, but also trusting the other implicitly. It's surrendering to all and allowing another to merge with your very essence and create something new together.

Sex is sex is sex, and how wonderful it can be. Don't get me wrong. There's definitely a time and a place for it, but what I also know is that there is something so eternal when merging two souls. There is something so incredibly powerful when you allow yourself to be vulnerable and lay your absolute finest in another's hands and heart. It is then that you get to know who you truly are. The essence of your very core comes through and gets to play with another, and by so doing that, you expand into someone you came here to be.

Waka Waka (This Time for Africa) (The Official 2010 FIFA ...

I can't stop watching this video. First of all I love, love, love her hair adornments and her bracelets. I have to have them. They will be my new uniform in Santa Fe. Dressing up what I got!
I am so in love with myself that I can't help but watching what delights me, eating what entices me, touching what excites me, and loving what shows up. I'm in the most amazing relationship, something that I would have never thought possible, and I'm questioning everything that I've ever been taught, everything I've ever believed in, and everything I ever thought could be.
I am in love with the highest possibility of myself, and I gained this thrill through opening up to a man. I've really paid attention to what I was doing when this wonderment arrived at my heart's door. I had just watched David Deida's videos on sex, love, and spirituality. I absorbed them. I took notes while watching them, and a beautiful man showed up in my office the night I was watching the last one. I went out on an unexpected date with him, talking until two in the morning and then kissing and loving on him for three hours more. Boom! I opened up more and more and more. I was truly ripe for the picking.
And then soon afterward when I flung open my door, in walked an extraordinary man that opened me in a way I've never been opened. I've never experienced an inkling of what love is before he showed me what is possible. Oh, if only I could show you, illustrate it, describe it... If only... There are no words. How to describe the indescribable... Speak the unspeakable... The only thing I can do is live it, be it, dive into it, relish it. I told him that I needed a new vocabulary to explain who I am because of him, because of what the two of us have built together, the palpable energy, the loving words, the infectious desires... It's everything. It's all. I wrap myself up in his essence, and I'm transported home, the place where we originated, the place where all is peaceful, where ecstasy resides, where bliss hangs out. I think of him and whoosh! there I go to that address where love swirls and I'm transported to everything.
To my love, ah...

to all my lovers...

I did such a fascinating thing last night that surprised the heck out of me. I listed all my lovers and called each one. I wanted to clean up shit before moving on, and what a surprise I had in store for me!

What I discovered was how genuine I felt about how each one of them had changed me. I am who I am today in part because of them. I am grateful. I don't think they expected to hear from me. God knows I didn't expect to be calling them, but when an idea bites me in the ass, I've got to go for it.

Another thing I discovered was how wonderful each of them are, and how much I truly love every single one of those men -- still. How can I not? They loved me in the way that I showed up for them. They were wonderful mirrors to me to let me know what part of me needed healing, tweaking, and shifting. They are all beautiful men who I remember vividly leaning over me, kissing me, holding me, and loving me the best way they knew how. Why would I want to forget that? I don't. I love every one of them to this day, still, even the one I left behind after 32 years.

I made another call today, and had my heart melt right into a puddle. This man told me that my moving to Santa Fe made him very sad, but he's happy for me. He also said that he wanted to know about me and what I was doing for the rest of his life. With this technology it won't be difficult, I'm sure. He also said that "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat reminds him of me. It's a beautiful song, one of my very favorites, so my heart just burst open on that one.

As you can see, I am a sucker for words, the right ones, and my life is full of men who say the right words to me. Not a day goes by that my knees don't buckle from hearing a sweet-talking man. I am that easy. Yep, it's that easy for me to love, and I just love to love. Men are fun to flirt with, make love with, kiss for hours, curl up with, and do all kinds of playing with. They are just fun.

"Lucky to be in love with my best friend... Lucky we're in love in every way... Lucky to be coming home some day."

So, to all the men I contacted, I love you still. Thank you for playing with me, expanding me, evolving me, and helping me create a new me. I am in love with me, and I have each and every single one of you to thank. There's one more phone call to make. Just one more, and he's the one that was the shortest experience, but by far the most astounding. I think about it daily. I remember that 24 hours with him, and I swear to god, I am transported to a ravaged state, hours and hours of being loved so intensely, so beautifully, so lovingly, so completely that after that one day it was enough. I still see his face. I still think of his arms around me, and I just mush up. An experience of a lifetime.

Thank you, my men. Thank you so much, and the one who answered the phone, "Hello, sweetheart..." Well, I'll be seeing you soon.

lessons learned while opening my heart even more

I just finished reading my last post written on Friday. I ended it saying that I still choose love. There was something in that post about how quickly my life changes, that it would be different in the next five minutes, or something to that effect. Well, that Friday was the quickest changing day of my life.

I've been in a ping pong match without even realizing it until the game came to an end. I really see the part I played in it, and I'm grateful for the new vision.

You see, I was supposed to have this amazingly romantic weekend with an amazingly romantic guy in my life. He canceled. That was what my Friday post was about without me really saying it, I think.

He showed up anyway.

I'm still so battle-scarred that I'm not sure how I feel right now. I know I went down a path that I didn't like for myself -- but I did it anyway. Something I've done over and over and over. I so choose love in my life that I disregard what's in my highest good and jump hook, line, and sinker. I'm such a putz for love. I love the feeling. I love being thought about, and I love thinking about the guy. This guy especially. This guy raised the bar so damn high, and then it came crashing down this weekend.

I set myself up for this. I did this to and for myself. This is an excellent example of what not to do ever again. I really thought I'd learned this already, but apparently needed this on a whole new level. Ah, thank you, universe. Face planting is a old sport for me, and I'm ready to move onto something else now. I'm ready to leap knowing the net will appear instead of leaping in the wrong direction until I land face first on the bottom, wherever that may be.

So, what did I learn?

I'm breathing deeply before typing this, because I've chosen this forum to air myself out to dry in public. I'm baring my soul here, and I want to be truthful and accurate. I want someone to be able to read this, to be able to learn without having to experience this, and hopefully teach myself something new in the meantime.

I learned what happens when I love at the expense of myself. Again. This time though I learned it on a much grander scale. I learned it with a guy who rocked my world like none other, and the lesson has cut much deeper. Maybe now I'll learn not to do this again. Maybe now I won't fall instead of leaping. Maybe now, I'll honor me first and foremost, instead of being the sacrifice. Again.

My friends say I'm being too harsh on myself. That beating myself up does no good. Excuse me if it sounds like a beating because what I really want it to be is self-examination. I want to be able to truly recognize this experience as a warning from the universe about not honoring myself. That giving myself away does no good for no one.

This new life I keep forming for myself gets tweaked in many ways. The tweaking this weekend turned into a major slap across the face. Apparently I needed some waking up, and I appreciate what it took for me to open my eyes and look myself in the mirror.

Before I would've said it was the man who caused this, but now I know who the real creator of this movie is. I know who's doing the dreaming, and I know it's me. I know I directed myself right into that corner. I did this willingly, and now I must accept my role in it, learn my lessons from it, and move forward with great love for myself.

There is an Hawaiian tradition (called something I can't spell), but it's a forgiveness, or "cleaning" method that I've used for a while now. It goes something like this: I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

For the life of me, I can't remember exactly why it's those four sentences and why it's important to say them in the correct order (and I'm not even sure they're in the right order), but just saying them makes me feel better.

I admit I'm human. I admit I love sex. I admit I have had an addiction to how it feels. I admit to all of this. I admit that I love being in love. I admit to being addicted to those feelings also. And when the opportunity presented itself, I jumped at the chance. I went crazy head-on blindly at it, once I allowed the pursuer in. Once I let him in, I had the time of my life.

And now it's over.

Or is it?

Do I ever really know what's going to happen? Absolutely not. Sometimes it's just easier for me to make a clean break, to start over new, and forget the past. However, I created a little dilemma for myself. I created beautiful memories of him in the town where I live, in the restaurants and bars that I frequent, with my daughter and another friend, and even in the apartment where I live. He bought me many gifts that are all over the place. This time it won't be quite so easy to dump that vat of memories.

In 2007 I lived with a family in Steamboat Springs, CO. They had a beautiful compound and graciously let me live in an apartment above the garage for free. It was a great arrangement because I loved being in such beautiful surroundings with a family I loved. It was a no-brainer really. Here's the interesting thing. Right before I moved into that apartment, one of their brothers came to visit, and after having many conversations with him on the phone and knowing his family, I jumped headlong into a weekend of craziness with him, and then moved into the apartment where we had spent the weekend together. His last name was on the stone at the end of the driveway and on the mat at the front door. There were pictures of him in the house, and most of all there was his brother that had so many similarities that looking at him could become painful. Because, you see, after some magical times with this guy, he dropped me like a hot potato. I leapt that time without looking for the net, and my face still has scars from where I landed.

Why do I fall so easily? Why do I keep choosing to leap without a net? Why, why, why?

Because loving someone feels so good. I am meant to love. I know that. I am meant to have a fabulous man who adores me as I do him. I am meant to laugh and cuddle and sing out loud, to dance the nights away, to drink red wine, and be caressed. I love how it feels to have an open heart. I love how high the highs feel, and when the lows show up, the pain is exquisite. It's a deep heartfelt strike that goes through my body with ease. It tears me down. It whittles away at all the unnecessary, and when I come back to breathing normally again, I'm new. I'm new in ways that I've never experienced before. I'm new for the next experience that will send me over the top because I know there will be one, and I desire it. I look forward to it. I look forward to opening my heart even more and more and more until that's all I am but an open heart pouring out love.

This is why I came here -- to love with all my heart. And one day there will be the right man in the right time in the right place, and we will connect and it will be beyond my wildest dreams. In the meantime, I thank all the previous men who have helped me open my heart because the best is just around the corner and I'm getting ready.

What the Bleep?! is right

One of the things James Arthur Ray taught me is that there is a law of rhythm. Tide comes in, tide goes out. Life is cyclical, ever changing. Those amazing days I had turned into something else. What was my part in that -- everything... I caused it all. You see, I have this long-standing story to uphold, one that says that I'm not worthy of amazing love, supercharged heightened love, even though I've experienced it several times, just not on a consistent basis. What is consistent in my life is change. One thing I know for sure is that my life will be different in the next 5 minutes. There will be different people, different places, different circumstances in the blink of an eye. That I can guarantee. I would so like it to be smooth, but then I'd miss out on the highs, and those feel pretty darn good. Ah, and then there are the lows. I'm experiencing one right now. I'm looking at why I attracted something into my life that I've attracted before. Why did I do it again?

This morning when I awoke I received an email from a dear, dear friend who sent me the link to What the Bleep?! Down the Rabbit Hole. And in it Joe Dispenza made a comment that illustrated to me exactly why I was questioning my ability to attract what I attracted. Here's what he said:

Everybody is secretly an adventurer. Everybody loves the adventure. It's just taking that first step, and once they have that moment of insight, that moment of insight carries the frequencies in the body and they're enlivened by possibility. They're enlivened by unknown potentials. They're enlivened by future potential that may be down the rabbit hole a little further and if they allow themselves to experience the quandary and the mysticism and the possibility that when they emerge from the rabbit hole they're a different person and now they go back into their world and because they've processed that information and left footprints in the mind and the brain, their perception of the world will never be the same.

Someone else in the movie put it this way:

If you don't see the traps, you have to go through the crap until you see the traps, because if you don't see it, it's your own teaching machine. It's the only way for you to understand something new, so the universe brings these things to your door and there is learning in them for you if you are willing to reflect upon them and to think beyond the rigid mindset.

So, today I'm reflecting. I'm reflecting on why I did it again. Why did I attract into my life something I've attracted into it before? When do I learn that lesson and not repeat it? James said that once we learn a lesson doesn't mean that we won't experience an opportunity to go through it again, but this time it'll just be at a different level because we've changed. This one was definitely at a different level, a level beyond my comprehension, a level so profound I was so willing to throw myself over the edge without thinking twice until I hit the bottom. Ouch...

It was a great lesson. Invaluable. It woke me up, got me out of an unconscious state, and propelled me back into paying attention to what's really going on instead of falling into a vat of addiction -- an addiction to an emotion. Abraham/Hicks talks about going where it feels good. Well, I did just that. I went to where it felt better than it ever had and then -- splat! -- when I ended up in a face plant, I knew I fell without making conscious decisions. Again.

What's interesting is that I was getting sick. Allergies were kicking in, and the last time that happened I was going down a path that didn't serve me. I really paid attention this time when the sneezing got out of hand, and then there were the other symptoms that took over my attention. My body was telling me I was off kilter. I knew it. I felt it. And then there was the train wreck that halted everything. I call it a train wreck when in actuality all it was was the realization of the facts. The facts in this situation slammed into me as soon as I opened the door so wide I couldn't not let the wreck in, and then -- pow! I didn't duck or jump out of the way. I let it slam right into me, and today I'm nursing my wounds a bit. And questioning why I allowed myself to jump right in front of a moving train. Again. I'm not a young pup. I know better. Really, I do. But I did it again.

Wow...I look back on it and I'm mesmerized by the beauty of the twisted metal and lingering sparks of the wreckage at my door. It was all so beautiful. I was hypnotized, drunk, and willing to jump right in front of that blaring light that came right at me. I pushed everything out of the way so I could be the first in its sight as it came barreling through the passageway right for me. Baby, I planted myself firmly in its path, and I did a damn good job of feeling the wreckage of the aftermath.

And today, I just ask myself what did I learn from it all? I created it. I manifested it, and I chose it with everything within me. I did this myself. I did this to myself, and what have I learned from it?

I'm reinventing myself. My previous self would bury herself in her work. This present self, the one that's climbed out of the twisted metal is facing the disaster area head-on, feeling the feelings, paying attention to what she agreed to and what she got out of it. Now, it's time to pick up the scattered discards and clean up the mess. What do I do with what is left? And what is left?

As I come back up out of the rabbit hole and after having left footprints on the mind, who am I now? What adventure do I choose next? The world is such an infinite place of possibilities, so which one do I jump onto now? What have I not experienced that I would love to have foremost in my life right now? What would that be? I still choose love. I choose love whole-heartedly. I choose love without a moment's hesitation, but this time I choose availability also. I choose to love with a fully opened heart and shower that love on someone who can say yes to me, someone who can say yes to me right now because now is all that matters.

Porsches, Starbucks, and dreams

I've been having extraordinary days. They all seem to run together into one magnificent moment. Today I wondered if the reason my days were like this was because of the way I feel about a certain man in my life. Would it be possible for me to feel this extraordinary, this much in love with my life if he weren't in it? And an answer came to me. Drum roll please... This is big, hope you're sitting down. Here it comes:

I could not have had this man in my life if I wasn't already being that love I feel in my world right now. It was only when I discovered that magnificence in myself that I drew that magnificent being to me. Hm...

So, what does that say about my previous relationships? They too were mirrors of myself -- the me I was at each point of my life where the previous men participated.

And, what does it say about my own growth to have this man now? I'm in awe of the weight of that question. I'm in awe of the evolvement I've gone through since deciding to be single. I'm in awe.

This morning I had a bikini wax in preparation for my upcoming romantic weekend with my guy, and though there were definite painful moments, there was also this sense of quiet euphoria. It's still here. I went to Watters Creek outdoor shopping area afterwards, sitting outside on a stone patio by the landscaped creek with ducks flying over the water, listening to piped-in jazz, and sipping coffee. I noticed how brilliantly green the leaves were on all the trees. Watching them wave in the breeze was like the silent applause the deaf use with their own hands. It felt as if I too was getting a standing ovation, silent applause filtering through the limbs and I felt waves of adulation cascading over me and I knew, I just knew, that this was the realness of being the dreamer, of knowing what it was like to assemble my world just to my liking. I watched the Porsches drive by knowing they were there for my own enjoyment. The shoppers holding all their packages were buying for me. The breeze that ruffled the canopy overhead cooled me knowing I needed it just then.

And then I realized what all must've gone into this dream to make it happen just like that. All the different players had to do just what they did so that I would land right there on Teak furniture outside a closed Starbuck's on a stone patio surrounded by jazz and Porsches and shoppers. It all came together just for me. I showed up today to witness what had been orchestrated just for my viewing pleasure, but this time I was conscious of it all. It might've felt like air going up my nose and tasted like coffee going down my throat, but I knew it was only love. Nothing but love because that's all there is. I breathed in the love. I swallowed the love. I saw the love, and I knew it was there just for my own experience. I showed up today and witnessed love's great performance.

When I got home a package was waiting for me from my guy. He had bought me some new clothes to wear this weekend with him. I tried each piece on and marvelled at how beautiful I looked, how altered I was because someone, a man who loves me, bought me clothes to feel good in. I felt like royalty. I feel like royalty. Just when I tried on the last piece, he called me. He was seeing how I was doing after my bikini wax. I told him I had a masterpiece in my underwear, and I thanked him profusely for my gifts, letting him know that no man has ever treated me this special before. I told him I felt the love in what he was doing. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and overflowing in happiness. He told me it had nothing to do with him. It was all of my own making. I had attracted it all into my life myself.

At that moment I fell in love with this man again.

Is this a dream?

I've been working like a crazy person learning a new internet marketing program at the expense of all outside stimuli, and some inside ones like sleeping and eating. For whatever reason, yesterday evening I sat still on the couch. Suddenly I saw and felt waves of energy that were so thick they were palpable. I could "see" how everything around me was just energy waves undulating in rhythmic patterns flowing around me and through me. I had the most astounding visual of how we really are connected to everything we desire. I actually saw how the law of attraction works. I saw the offer waves I put out resonating with echo waves that formed interference patterns right before me, and everything I ever desired was always just right there, but since my attention had previously been elsewhere I could never see any of it until last night. I could reach out and feel the waves. I could see how my hand was just a light flowing through it all until an interference pattern was formed, and then poof! there was my flesh-covered hand. Amazing...

James Arthur Ray has been teaching this. I took his workshop on lucid dreaming last month, and last night it came together in such a beautiful way. It was visible and tangible to me. It was no longer just theory. It made sense. And the first "thought" that appeared was: this is the key to the kingdom. It's the moments where we're truly connected in a conscious way that brings to us what we want, not the jumping from one activity to another in a frantic pace.

Late last night instead of staying up on the computer, I went to bed and immersed myself in this energy. I laid there and felt it. I saw the workings of it. I saw my part in it. I felt the source. I mean I FELT it.

I must've fallen asleep, been in an altered state, or whatever, when a friend called me. When he began talking to me, I was listening to his words and felt his presence in the room. It felt as though he had always been there even though he was in another state. The more he talked, the more I realized that his experiences were mine. I saw no space between us. His words came out of my mouth. His thoughts were in my head. When my hand moved, it was his. I knew what he was going to say before he said it. I even said the same words that others had told him earlier that day. He told me experiences that I too had had in exactly the same way.

I knew he had always been with me as long as there has been a me. I heard his voice. I felt his touch, and I knew that there was no difference between him and me. We are one and always have been. There's never been anything else.

That's when I discovered what love really is. It is everything. There's nothing else but this infinite capacity to love because we are nothing but that. I felt for this man the most tranquilizing love that radiated from him to me enveloping us as one dynamic light. By loving him, I embraced all in me. I said yes to me when I opened my heart to him.

I don't know where this relationship is going. I do know that, besides my daughter, I've never felt this way about anyone, including myself. I know that this love that has erupted is genuine and everlasting no matter what it looks like in this dream called life. I know that right here and right now in this only moment that by loving this man so deeply, that I also love the deepest part of who I am because he and I are one.

In a few days we will be together physically, and truly I feel it is my obligation to the world to tell everyone to strap on their seatbelts because the love we express between us will absolutely rock the planet. It can do nothing less.