to all my lovers...

I did such a fascinating thing last night that surprised the heck out of me. I listed all my lovers and called each one. I wanted to clean up shit before moving on, and what a surprise I had in store for me!

What I discovered was how genuine I felt about how each one of them had changed me. I am who I am today in part because of them. I am grateful. I don't think they expected to hear from me. God knows I didn't expect to be calling them, but when an idea bites me in the ass, I've got to go for it.

Another thing I discovered was how wonderful each of them are, and how much I truly love every single one of those men -- still. How can I not? They loved me in the way that I showed up for them. They were wonderful mirrors to me to let me know what part of me needed healing, tweaking, and shifting. They are all beautiful men who I remember vividly leaning over me, kissing me, holding me, and loving me the best way they knew how. Why would I want to forget that? I don't. I love every one of them to this day, still, even the one I left behind after 32 years.

I made another call today, and had my heart melt right into a puddle. This man told me that my moving to Santa Fe made him very sad, but he's happy for me. He also said that he wanted to know about me and what I was doing for the rest of his life. With this technology it won't be difficult, I'm sure. He also said that "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat reminds him of me. It's a beautiful song, one of my very favorites, so my heart just burst open on that one.

As you can see, I am a sucker for words, the right ones, and my life is full of men who say the right words to me. Not a day goes by that my knees don't buckle from hearing a sweet-talking man. I am that easy. Yep, it's that easy for me to love, and I just love to love. Men are fun to flirt with, make love with, kiss for hours, curl up with, and do all kinds of playing with. They are just fun.

"Lucky to be in love with my best friend... Lucky we're in love in every way... Lucky to be coming home some day."

So, to all the men I contacted, I love you still. Thank you for playing with me, expanding me, evolving me, and helping me create a new me. I am in love with me, and I have each and every single one of you to thank. There's one more phone call to make. Just one more, and he's the one that was the shortest experience, but by far the most astounding. I think about it daily. I remember that 24 hours with him, and I swear to god, I am transported to a ravaged state, hours and hours of being loved so intensely, so beautifully, so lovingly, so completely that after that one day it was enough. I still see his face. I still think of his arms around me, and I just mush up. An experience of a lifetime.

Thank you, my men. Thank you so much, and the one who answered the phone, "Hello, sweetheart..." Well, I'll be seeing you soon.