being power

There are so many things I love about Tammy, and today I got to experience yet another one.


I had spent the day putting all of my art inventory online to sell. I had no idea I had that much stuff, still. It took me the whole day; my brain was fried; and I was exhausted. I got ready to take a walk but instead felt like going to bed. Tammy asked me what I was hiding from. I told her I wasn't hiding, just been in front of the computer and now my brain was mush.

She didn't buy it. She told me I was feeling that way to avoid facing the real stuff going on with me. (This is the part I had to work really hard at today to be able to love her.) I really just wanted to lie down and cover my head. I was just tired. Worked my ass off and now needed rest. She wasn't falling for any of it, so we took a walk.

You see, I have lots of references for working hard and not making any money. I did it for most of my adult life. I don't believe for a moment that working hard equals lots of money. What I really doubted was my own ability to provide for myself. Tammy asked me if I knew how powerful I really am. I didn't feel so powerful. I was tired. I was scared, and I just wanted to hide under covers.

Everything is energy, whether it's a man, money, or God. Same energy. What do I draw to me? If I can draw an exceptional man, I can also have more money than I can even spend. I know that I have to truly be intentional and authentic to keep this man in my life because he won't stay for anything less. So, I've made this sincere and insistent intention of not only having a man like this one in my life, but also the money, the business, the connection to my Source, and peace with it all. Well, to bring that in, I better up my game even more, and I discovered that today.

So, here we are walking in the dark. Tammy's looking at the stars, and I'm busting my hump to make a breakthrough with all of this because dammit! I am ready for all I want in my life. I want money for everything I desire. I want to hold conferences, workshops, lecture series, book signings, and events in our retreat center near Taos. I want the Honda Pilot to get me to and from there with ease. I want the ability to know, truly know, who I am and that I am capable of everything I desire in my life. I am that woman that can write those books, develop the curriculum for classes we want to teach, create the artwork for the labels for our raw foods, speak in front of crowds, and anything else I so choose to do. Not only do I know I can do all this, I know I already have. I just need to catch up with my future because there are so many people waiting for me.

I caught myself throughout the day thinking thoughts that didn't serve me, thoughts that I've had for most of my life. Limiting thoughts, thoughts of lack, and every time a thought like that would creep in, I would realize that I was feeling less about myself. I was distrusting my own capabilities. I was viewing myself as someone so much smaller than I really am.

Who am I not to have all that I want? Who says I can't have that retreat center outside of Taos? Who says?

Well, certainly not me. I'm surrendering and trusting that it all comes together because I know, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, who I really am, and all the doubters, the people who feel the need to "straighten" me out, will not be listened to. Their words fall by the wayside, and that includes any thoughts of my own that fit into that category. I deserve everything I want, and so does every single person on this planet. The Universe conspires to do good for us once we choose what it is we want.

People, people, I got to experience the most wonderful man in the world last weekend. I got to feel the deepest sense of peace. I opened my heart so willingly and lovingly to another being. If I can do that, not only can I do anything I desire, but so can you. We are the power behind everything we want to be, do, or have. We can create anything wonderful we so choose. God knows we've done wonders with creating lots of what we don't want, so let's just start focusing on the feelings of having what we do want.

And to be able to do that, we need to pay close attention to those thoughts that appear. For example, I was in the shower tonight after our walk, and getting a little nervous about our move to Taos, when a thought bolted in: Who are you not to have what you want? It was then that I realized that what I must do is be very mindful of the thoughts that come in, and embrace the ones that make me feel good and release all the rest. And then, really feel, I mean really get down deep into how it feels to have everything I want, and then let it go.

I am so looking forward to the magical unfolding of events as we move to Taos and set up all that we do for the next phase of our lives here. I am so grateful for all the people, the lessons learned, and the situations that have risen into fantasitc opportunities for us. This is the beginning, another one, and there will be lots more to come. As each one arises I'll be even more powerful than I was during the last one because I will have grown that much more into who I really am. Thank you, Universe! I love how you conspire to do good for me, and I hear all those doors banging open as I keep walking through.

magic happens

I believe this has to have been the strangest day of my life. And believe me most of my days are pretty strange.


It was the first day I didn't go out for a hike since living here. As a matter of fact, it's 8:16 p.m. and I'm still in my robe. I've been reading and writing most of the day, typing like crazy really. And, when I went to save what I had typed this morning, it all disappeared. Apparently it wasn't necessary to keep those words.

I've been feeling as if I'm not part of this planet anymore. Not only did my words disappear, but I also used someone else's image on my Facebook profile picture, and four people noticed the difference and commented. I felt like I was invisible. It made me really think about how I was showing up in the world. Or, not showing up at all maybe. Even as I write this, I wonder about still being here on this planet in this house in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Am I really here, or is it just one of those illusory things? I sent emails that have gone unanswered, haven't even been able to contact Sprint, and you'd think they'd answer if money were involved.

Am I really here? It just hasn't felt so much like it today. I cocooned myself with books, journal, and laptop. It feel like being a part of the "world" is not where I belonged today. There's been this cyclone of energy swirling around me and dropping me off in all different levels of consciousness, or so it seems. I've never been in this situation before and don't know what to make of it, so I just get up every morning and do what feels good.

Tammy and I had a long discussion about what it means to follow our hearts. What would our lives look like if we made every decision based on what our hearts told us? That's how we're living right now. Following our hearts, listening within, and not caring what society thinks or what others want us to do, and that includes ourselves sometimes. There are still those ugly little thoughts that creep in about whether or not we deserve these magnificent men, these fabulous businesses, our beautiful home, etc. And, why don't we deserve all of this?

It's a whole lot of retraining the brain, that's for sure. It's constantly catching those crazy thoughts of doubting what we have and what we desire. It's the ability to put a halt to all those questions of how we're going to make it work or when or where or whatever else. It's that kind of crazy making that can send us over the edge. Luckily, we have each other to stop us before we get too carried away.

The only thing necessary is the what and the why. Really. What do we want and why do we want it. It's amazing to see what happens when we drop those paddles and let the canoe float downstream. There are a few people who understand what I'm talking about and actually live their lives like that. Most of the time I can keep my thoughts fairly well focused on what it is I want. It's those crazy little thoughts that eek in when I'm not paying attention.

For me, I know when I'm back on track because of the way I feel. What I mean by that is the energy that I feel in my body. It tells me how closely connected I am to what I want. When I feel good, the connection is strong. When I feel ecstatic, I am immersed in the thrill of having what I want. It's interesting to know right now how great the connection is because I can think of this wonderful man I like, and feel really, really good instead of going crazy wondering why I haven't heard from him tonight because that's where I would've gone with any other man.

But this Jill is different. This Jill knows the truth. The truth that she is her own creator of her story, her life. She doesn't rely on another for how things go. She orchestrates what she desires and lets it unfold however it does. The one thing I've learned is that what I (my ego) wants is nothing compared to what the universe delivers. If I just put it out there, if I get really clear on what I want, concentrate on that, and let it go, the real magic begins. The ease in life shows up. The grace, the elegance, the beauty escalates, and I wonder why I would ever want to even think I'm in control of the delivery.

As I float downstream in my canoe, I see all those things I've ever wanted. They're all mine for the asking. Tammy and I have been witnesses to everything unfolding so beautfiully for us here because we are willing to surrender and trust. We know. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the miraculous is just around the corner. It always is. It's the believing it when there's no outward sign that we should. It's the solid faith that it's showing up perfectly, whatever it looks like. It's the easy breathing, the letting go, and the unwavering faith that makes dropping the paddles a breeze. And, when you keep seeing the miracles that show up over and over, it's easy to forget what once was the only way we lived -- thinking we needed to know the answers to all the other questions, the who, the where, the when, and the how. Drop those bad boys out of your thought processes and watch the magic begin!

feeling my way through life

My first trip to Taos was yesterday. My last time in the Colorado Rockies was almost two years ago. I know Santa Fe is in the Rockies too, but there is something about the proximity of the mountains in Taos that remind me so much more of my life in Colorado. The cloud formations, the color of the mountains in sunset, the aspens turning gold... There was something about Taos that made me feel like I was more home than in Santa Fe.


Let me see if I can describe this better because I know some people think I'm a flake flitting from one town to the next after having been in one place for most of my life. What I'm discovering about how I live now is that I fully come from my heart. I go where it feels really, really good, and sometimes that means that I move more often than I used to. So what? Maybe I'm not meant to plant myself again like I did while being married. God knows, I'm not meant for that kind of existence. I am loose and airy, flying easily where my heart leads. My head is so much quieter and my heart so much more open.

I see how the world operates. I see how people live and are considered to be "normal." I used to live that life myself. I used to have a mortgage or two, car loans, school loans, business loans, payroll taxes, unemployment insurance to pay... I remember those days very, very well, and now I don't live by a calendar that lists when all those bills are due. I don't go to bed at night wondering how to pay the expenses that overshot the income sometimes while the one overshooting snored beside me like a hibernating bear.

When I awake now, I lay in bed and feel into my morning. I feel the world I wish to create come into existence before putting my feet on the floor. I visualize those experiences I want in my life right now. I see Tammy's and my work affecting those around us. I see the home we live in with the gourmet kitchen fully stocked with everything we need to make our products. I see the people we work on and how peaceful they feel when their sessions are over. I see the men in our lives adding to the fullness we already have. I see the four of us getting along famously and thoroughly enjoying each other's company. I see us hiking in the mountains, soaking in the hot springs, and feeling the peace under the starlit sky. One man is drumming, the other's playing the flute, and we're stretched out looking at the stars, absorbing their music, and being grateful.

This is what I see. This is what I focus on, no matter what my eyes show me. The men are already here, and we are enjoying them tremendously. I can feel our new place. I can feel our happiness in how our business is growing and affecting others. I swirl in the peace of it all because it is the realest my life has ever been, and I surrender to how it unfolds, and trust that it is doing just that as I write this sentence.

And, while I just wrote that last sentence in the above paragraph, we just received a request by a local college to set up a work station there so that we could do sessions on students. This occurred after Tammy turned down an office position this morning, and I turned down a corporate position last week. It's amazing what happens when we trust, when we surrender, and when we are so very, very grateful for everything that has entered our lives. Wow, look out world The Tammy and Jill Show is here!! I feel the house, the gourmet kitchen, that large deck overlooking the mountains, the horses grazing lazily in the pasture, and those lovely, lovely men enoying sharing their lives with us!!! Woo hoo!!!! It's in the following of your heart that the Universe flings doors open. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

tranquility

Tammy and I were talking on our drive back to Santa Fe tonight about this wonderful man who took the two of us out to dinner after our successful day today. He's someone I went out with last Friday night, and after spending the evening with him tonight I felt the same way agaiin about him. It's a feeling I haven't had about a man before. I'm tranquil. I'm at peace. I am whole and full. That's how I feel after being with him. We sat outside on the patio at a restaurant in Taos and enjoyed each other's company immensely. Kicking back in our chairs, sipping our drinks, and devouring chips and salsa.


The conversation never stopped. It flowed from one topic to the next. Laughter came easily, and I just didn't want to stop looking in his eyes. He showed us around his office. We sat in his waiting room and talked before going out to dinner. His office felt good, warm and inviting, healing and gracious. I wasn't sure I wanted to leave. If it had had a fireplace with fire crackling, I knew I would've set up camp for the winter right there on his couch with him beside me.

I loved watching him and Tammy interact. I loved that they got along so well especially after I got a chance to have a very fun morning with her and someone she's interested in. It was lovely, and tonight got even lovelier.

While Tammy went inside to get a refill on her drink, my friend and I sat on the patio and talked about families. He told me that I may not have gotten a chance to pick the family I was born into, but now I could hand select those I wanted to call family. I was sitting at the table with two of them.

Tammy and I have learned to drop our paddles and let our canoe just flow downstream. This morning at 3:30 I got a cosmic whack upside the head with red neon letters flashing before me: TAOS, and then as soon as I got up I got a Facebook friend request from a man in Taos who owns a business. I not only friended him, but told him what Tammy and I are doing. He suggested we stop by and talk with him about our work and products. Now let me tell you, I don't ignore signs like that, so after our morning hike, off we went to Taos, met my new friend, and now have business together. On the drive over, we got an email from one of the Santa Fe schools asking us to schedule with them so that we can get our work in their school.

And then we got the chance to dine with one of the most wonderful men on this planet. I am so grateful to have him in my life, so grateful that Tammy and he are friends, and ever so grateful to be able to feel this tranquil after having been with him. This, I'm sure, is how easy it is to live life, this full, this magical, and this blessed.

You raise me up...

Floating through life, that's what my friend Tammy Davis and I are doing here. We're showing up and seeing what happens. Everything we thought we were going to be doing here has fallen apart, and the new keeps unfolding. The lessons, the epiphanies, the life-altering moments, everything is course correcting. We're learning to drop the oars and just float downstream. There's nothing else to do. Absolutely nothing.

I first met Tammy three months ago today in the alley beside Coffee 'n Cream in McKinney, Texas. I was working in my studio above a restaurant on the square called Spoons making aprons, purses, bags, wall hangings, and anything else that came to my mind and slipped out my fingers. I had no intention of ever going back into the health care world. I was an artist, not a healer. Not after working in a healing facility for 26 years or working with a shaman for almost two years, not after getting certified in Integrated Energy Therapy and doing a study on the effects of energy on the physical body. Nope. Wasn't going back into that field.

And then, about a week later I was "trapped" in the spa sitting in the front room having energy flow in and out of me in waves forming the infinity symbol. It amped me up so much that I had to grab the next person that came out of any treatment room and shoot the energy out my hands all over her. An hour later we both thought we needed a cigarette. It was that explosive, that powerful, and that life-altering. It was something I knew I had to do. It was something that shot into me and wasn't going to let me go. I began to feel other's energy fields whether they were near me or not. I was discovering a way to make love without another body present. I was having night time visitors that were not in their physical bodies telling me things that only they would know, and then I would discover how true it really was after going on with my life the following days.

That's how I spent my summer. And then I shut down my studio and worked in the health care facility with my daughter, Tammy, and others. That's when everything began to amp up even more until Tammy found herself being called to Santa Fe. Suddenly, I was on the road with her. I had felt my pull back to Colorado. However, after a "hunting" trip to Santa Fe, I jumped on Tammy's train. I had to go where she was heading. I had never been to Santa Fe before, never yearned for it before, but knew, just knew I had to go with her.

The night before I left I had dinner with someone from high school that I hadn't seen since graduation. He treated me like no man had ever treated me before. He raised the bar so high that no one I had ever experienced before could even come close to touching it.

What's interesting about these turn of events is that each man in my life has increased the development of who I'm necessary to be to be open to what's been coming my way here. He not only showed me what I deserve, but what I know I deserve. Before him, I didn't know a man could treat a woman like he did, and now I know I deserve nothing less.

In high school he liked me. I knew he liked me, but how could I trust that when I didn't even like me? It goes with that saying, "I wouldn't belong to a club that would have me." So, forty years later I not only like me, but I so enjoy being treated with the utmost consideration and respect. I was with a man for thirty-two years, and was never shown the amount of respect in that time by my husband than I was by this man in one night.

"You raise me up to more than I can be." I used to listen to Josh Groban sing those lyrics, and I was totally confused to how that could be. How could you possibly be raised to more than you can be? How could that happen? I don't know the answer to that, but what I do know is that I feel that I have been raised up to more than I can be. And, while living here in Santa Fe these past few days, I'm discovering over and over and over just how powerful a place that is.