It's now safe to love.

Today was my first visit to Santa Fe. It won't be my last. I awoke with such bliss, and I knew something magical and wonderful was going to pop for me today. It did. It was such a great surprise, and it was life altering.

While living in Steamboat a couple of years ago, I did breathwork with a female shaman, Cyndy Clemens. We did it for a year and my visions during each session built upon each other until finally by the end of the year, it came to a conclusion, or so I thought.

I was led through a life I had lived in 1547 as an Indian maiden and was in love with a warrior who was killed in a battle. I was on the battlefield at the end of the fight, holding him when he died. Cyndy had told me that now it was safe for me to love. At the time of the session it was 460 years after my Indian lover had died, and it was now safe to love. How 'bout that one?

My friend, Tammy, and I had an appointment at a healing facility in Santa Fe today, and when we pulled up to park outside the building, the address was right in front of us. It read: 1547. Now, most people might have blown that off or not even have noticed, but for me everything is to be paid attention to. It makes for a magical life.

I went into the office with Tammy, had the interview and the tour, and before leaving turned to the acupuncturist, Emily, who ran the place, and told her a little more about me. The difference was that when I spoke this time, I saw myself as that female Indian. I felt her love for this man. I knew her courage for continuing her life and her passions without him by her side, and what that did for me was make me stand taller. My words were firmer, clearer, and more determined because for the first time I could feel within me just who I am. I told Emily and Tammy what I could do and what I had to offer as if for the first time I truly recognized it in myself. The love that Indian woman had for her man welled up in me and filled me with such potency that I felt I could've said anything amazing about myself and it would've been true. Raised as a southern Catholic girl with three brothers, this was a totally different experience for me. I have never spoken (or felt) such conviction for myself or my gifts.

This was something so far out in left field that I couldn't have figured out how magical my day would've been if I had tried, but for some reason that doesn't keep me from doing just that. I still get hell-bent on trying to figure out things, and all for nothing because it's always so much more amazing than I could possibly imagine. And this happened today, and changed my life and altered my soul. I stood up for me, for who I am, for what I am able to do with such incredible ease and love. And love.

For me, it always comes back to love. In 1547 it was an Indian warrior. Right now... Well, right now is so very different. I love many. My heart is so full. My love overflows. There is a beautiful man that I write stunning prose and poetry with. I allowed him in. I told him I'd go deep with him, and then deeper, and then deeper still. I have. I have traveled to places with him that I've never gone before. Over and over I excavate those deep wounds that I've held onto for years. Once uncovered, those painful, deep-seated emotions release, and let me tell you, it's been painful, agonizing, and torturous, but, and here's the really big but -- I want to get rid of the shit and live my life to the fullest. I want to stand on a mountaintop, raise my voice to the heavens, and sing the song that only I can.

So, here it is. I desire a man who I can be so open, so purely me, so laid bare, and no matter what his response, I love and accept me anyway. I choose to declare my worthiness and my love for the god within me by showing up as the being I am, especially through my energy, my words, and my actions. I choose purity of my heart with openness and honesty. And I choose this no matter how the man shows up.

I've never said this before. I've never felt so strongly about this before. Connecting with you has led to some very deep excavations because the truth is that I want a man in my life who shows up like you have. When I read your messages to me, I realized how I have shouted a vibrant yes! to the universe and claimed myself worthy of a mirror like you.

And, my precious friend, I offer to you what you have to me. I too, am a great listener. I too, fully open my divine heart to you and welcome you in because I am your mirror, and I so love what you're looking at. Whew! Thank you for opening me up to that discovery.

This man lives far from me, but distance does nothing to diminish what we feel for each other and what we can feel of each other. I can be in a meeting or out to dinner, and I can feel his energy merge with mine. I've been in a room where heated conflict arose, and once I began to feel him with me I could only smile and look at the dynamics in the room as a dance I chose not to jump into. Instead, I remained in bliss.

I sit with him and euphoria rises. Meditation or yoga has never brought the kind of peace within me as I feel when I allow him in. It's a beautiful ride downstream with a heart so full of joy that nothing interrupts the flow of it. Often I've wondered what it could possibly be to have a man like that in my life not only like we experience each other, but also in the physical. Wow! I'm not sure I'd ever get dressed again...

It is safe to love now. I didn't know that apparently when I got married a hundred years ago. Otherwise I wouldn't have married my mirror -- someone totally emotionally unavailable. We became good business partners, but never dove below the surface. Didn't even know that a man would want to look at my body while making love until my Aspen pilot showed up 6 years ago. The first time we were alone in a hotel room the lights were on, and he undressed me very slowly. I never heard the word beautiful so many times. He loved every inch of my 48 year old body. No, he adored it. He worshipped it, and for the first time I thought that maybe, just maybe, I might not be hard to look at. I hadn't known that before.

A friend of mine who saw us together pulled me aside and told me that she could tell how much he loved me. I was shocked. Really? Just like that? This beautiful man could possibly love me? Really? She said that she could tell just by the way he looked at me. And, I had to admit that I adored seeing me through his eyes. For the first time in my life I had a lover who believed in me, heard me, and loved it all. He still does. He held my hand until I was able to let go. I have let go. I'm still soaring because of who I've become because of him, and I see no reason in the world to stop loving this man no matter who else is in my life.

I find it fascinating to see how relationships have gone for me since being single, and I love saying that I'm single. I've sculpted a life of simplicity since singledom. It allows great mobility and freedom. I can create myself anew every day. I can fine-tune my wants and desires at every turn, and I can do it without taking anyone else into consideration. I can say yes to me over and over and over. Is this being selfish? You bet, and it's about damn time! I say yes to honesty and openness. I say yes to unconditional love and gratitude. I say yes to these beautiful men, and to the others I have not written about. I am so grateful to what they each have brought into my life because I'm loving the moments immensely. Every text, phone call, Facebook comment, etc. is a love note. Every single one. Every word, every breath is an opening up to divinity. It's a widening of who I am, of who we all are. It's another chance to say yes to each other and to be able to break open another heart a bit wider and let the love in. That's all there is. That's all there is.

the magnificence of depth

The Lion and the Orchid

In the beginning,
it was innocence,
that charisma of curiosity,
a sense of fascination and attraction,
an enticing magnetism
that pulled her willingly
into his world,
but the more she became aware,
the more she desired to know,
because the more she knew,
the more she found pleasure
in the way he cared for her,
the way he made her feel,
and the stronger her feelings,
the more she came
to understand
that she had always craved someone
understanding enough to acknowledge
the woman she was,
the woman she had become,
and experienced enough to see
the woman she was coming to be,
someone strong enough
to allow her to feel secure and protected,
to really let herself enjoy this freedom,
sensitive enough
so that she could reveal her true,
innermost feelings,
someone to take her
to that special place
where everything is possible,
where the orchid is kissed
by the lion,
and the torrent of a waterfall
plunges and pounds deeply
into a pool
of clear, warm, fragrant waters.

Copyright © 2007 Richard Gary Butler PhD DD
 
A man has entered my life, my very being, and I allowed his love to transform me. He has given me the greatest gift imaginable -- the profound ability to open completely and honestly to another and love myself all the more. This love, this compassion, this true-ness is what I'm here for, to open to another, to lay myself completely naked before another and expand exponentially.
 
I spent the day with him, and am with him still. He is in me. Wherever I go, he is with me. We are one.
 
Yesterday I did a major excavation that laid open the groundwork for filling the void of what I had released. This morning was more excavating, more purging, more releasing. So, by the time I got to the spa and read this man's messages to me, I knew that the excavations were worth it because I had made space available for filling up with the love we could create together.
 
Right now, sitting at my desk typing on the keyboard I feel him as if he were physically sitting with me. I can feel his hands as "tiny footsteps" skipping down my back. I feel him. I feel him. I feel him. It's luscious and juicy and decadent. His energy washes over me and I'm ablaze in him. I wrote earlier in my blog (about David Deida and his videos on Spirit, Sex, and Love) that I intended someone in my life to open me up so fully that I could throw my arms and my heart wide open and yell a resounding yes to the universe! Someone who would open me up even more to God and take me deeper and deeper and even deeper. This beautiful man took on the challenge with relish and great pleasure, and I'm discovering the magnificence of depth. 
 
Since this was my intention to the universe, since it was my desire, the ultimate experience of my choosing,  does that make me the maestro of this orchestration? Or, are we co-maestros and orchestrating each and every morsel of sweet, wet, dripping love around each other, entwining our energies so completely that there is no differentiating one from the other?
 
I am full. I am overflowing with ripeness, bursting with luscious joy at being able to match the vibration of someone like him. He has taken me "to that special place where everything is possible, where the orchid is kissed by the lion..." I've agreed to diving down that waterfall with him, plunging and pounding deeply "into a pool of clear, warm, fragrant waters." Thank you, my love. Thank you.

room for scootching

It's a cloudy day here on the square. I'm alone in the spa as all the practitioners are elsewhere on this Friday afternoon. I volunteered to stay behind and woman the fort. Curled leaves blow past the French doors, and I watch a pink-shirted woman eating lunch across the street at Cafe Malaga.

This is my life. I sip on chai tea from Coffee 'n Cream and receive texts on my new Sprint phone from my McKinney friends. With one, we're sending pictures back and forth on the latest tea mug designs and with another, we're expressing our mutual admiration.

A woman wearing sunglasses and long bleached hair hops into a monster SUV while cars scootch over in the other lane to allow her room for scootching. Room for scootching. We all need it. Last night I needed it. There was a full house here with cackling women, and I had to scootch to the back room away from loud. Loud was not my friend last night. Quiet and calm were twins that wanted to bunk down with me instead, and I was more than willing to make room for them. However, they didn't show up here last night, so I took a walk with the twins around the square instead.

It was lovely.

I didn't hear any loud music coming from Cadillac's last night. The only sounds I heard were those coming from Malaga's where a guitar was being strummed and a heavenly voice singing with it. I couldn't keep myself from joining friends inside and drinking a bottle of Roda red wine. There were dates wrapped in bacon on toothpicks, a mound of spinach in the middle of glazed shrimp, Pelligrino bottles, and a square plate of olives dressed in every shade of green. Gold painted walls with photos of the beautiful owner and her daughters. Tony at the ready with more plates topped with tapas. Annie with hugs and excitement about her new move around the corner -- Malaga's is going bigger. And the red wine enjoyed with two of the most amazing people on earth. I am so blessed.

It's a beautiful life. It's full. It's inspiring. It pushes me. It thrills me, and sometimes exhausts me, but I love it. I just love it, and thoroughly love all those involved.

So, right now all is quiet and peaceful as the police officer rides past the French doors on his bike. A grandpa holds his grandson while walking down the sidewalk, a mom pushes a stroller, and a shop owner sweeps the sidewalk in front of her door. A Jaguar in mint condition drives by, followed by a Ram truck covered in mud.

I'm able to write all this after leaving a Chamber meeting that RejuveNation LifeSpa sponsored at 7:30 this morning and before the spa fills back up with women at another nightly event tonight.

Right now I sit before my computer and breathe calmly. I know the quiet is short lived, and I am so grateful.

one ladybug, one movie, One

I've been having adventures with ladybugs lately. Well, one in particular.

It started one night when a friend stopped by the Gratitude Cafe/RejuveNation LifeSpa to see about going to Cadillac Pizza Pub. She needed to change clothes and drop off her dog. So, off we go to her house where she hands me a book that her landlord had written. I open the book and the first character's name I see is the last name of my guy in Steamboat. My friend sits next to me and I show her the name. I said wouldn't it be cool if I found out while flipping through the pages that his first name is the same as my guy's. As soon as I got that out of my mouth, I turned to a page and right above my thumb is "And his name will be ---------." And yes, it was the same as Bo's real name. Not that the character in the book has the same first and last name as Bo, but there are two characters closely connected throughout the book with both of Bo's names.

Now, I know there are many skeptics in the world who don't see their lives as orchestrated by some masterful maestro, but I don't happen to be one of those. I see my life as an amazing fabric intertwined with everything and everyone I encounter. As a matter of fact, I journaled about this fantastic experience I had had with Bo. As he was talking with me one night I could feel him. From the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, I could feel his energy wrapped up in mine. The best way I can describe it is quiet euphoria. It was tranquil and all encompassing. And it was the feeling of being home, my true home, a home I didn't know existed. I called it oneness in my journal entry. I wrote about how we were not separated by miles because we were one. I could feel him. I could smell him. He and I had merged and there was no separation. We were one. Period.

Now, back to my story. So my friend and I head to Cadillac's where the bartender brings me my Cabernet. As I sit there talking with friends, I look over at the glass and see something crawling along the outside of the glass. It was a ladybug. It flew from the glass to me. It crawled up my arm. Now what's really amazing about that is that we were in the back of the bar and it was packed with people. However, the ladybug got inside the bar, made its way through the mob and landed on my glass out of all the millions of places it could've landed.

I remembered that there was some kind of message about ladybugs in the movie Under the Tuscan Sun, so this morning I slid in the DVD and watched.

The main character played by Diane Lane, a writer and newly divorced, moved to Tuscany to begin again. She buys a villa and sets about spiffing it up. She longs for people to fill it, but most importantly she desires an amazing love in her life. Her friend, Katherine, tells her that when she was young she searched and searched for ladybugs until she grew tired and laid down in the field of flowers. When she awoke she found ladybugs all over her. Katherine tells Diane that she needs to let go of the search, be happy right now, and what she desires will appear.

Throughout the movie her wishes do come true, unlike what she thinks, but still... In the last scene she walks around the wedding reception in her yard and is filled up with the love she has for all those present. She realizes her dreams did come true. She does have a family, and she did host a wedding at her house. She lays down on a chaise outside and closes her eyes when a man comes up to her speaking in broken Italian.

She tells him that yes, he found the American writer who lives in Tuscany, and it is she. He bends down and picks up something off her arm. "A ladybug," he tells her, and then says that she reviewed his first book that eventually led to his next book that he redid because of her criticism.

Now, I'm watching this scene. I see the ladybug being picked off her arm. I'm hearing that he's a writer, and I already know that she's a writer, and I'm seeing a lot of similarities between her life and mine (minus the Tuscan villa, but still Bo and I are writers). She asks him his name, and I immediately think oh my god, it can't be the same as Bo's. He says it's Ed. Whew! His name's Ed. Not even close.

This is what I'm thinking as the credits roll and the picture of Ed shows up with the actor's real name. You guessed it -- the same name as my Bo's real name.

I have no idea what any of this means, nor would I even attempt to figure it out. It all is whatever it is. I'm enjoying the stories as they play out, and thrilled to be a part of it all.

And one more thing, the novel that my friend's landlord wrote is published by the same company that's publishing mine.

Okay, and another one more thing -- the title of the book my friend's landlord wrote is One.

Home

Today I've been very sad. It doesn't happen to me very often. My daughter even asked me if I was mad at her. I'm not and never was. It's just so rare that I'm not bubbling with happiness and joy.

Today was different. Today was a culmination of many moments of sadness and all I wanted to do was cry a bit. There's nothing wrong with that. It's an honest and true emotion and I deserved it. I was sad for several reasons, and one I feel is a bit selfish because by my writing about it, I know it will be read by the person I most don't want to read it. I don't want him to be sidetracked by anything, especially me. He's on a roll. He's in the zone, and I want him to stay there. It's an amazing place to be. He's disciplined enough to put me in a compartment that he doesn't think about so he can focus on what he moved to Steamboat to do. I honor that. I so respect that, and still I put in writing something that might alter that just a little.

I'm sad because I'm not with him. I'm sad because I just want to crawl under the sheets and lay with him. There's no place like lying next to him, skin to skin and having his arms wrapped around me. He runs his fingers down my arm and kisses me. I slip a leg over his, and it's just the best feeling I can remember.

I write this knowing that he will probably read this. I also know that he is so disciplined that it won't sidetrack him. I am so happy for him I could just bust. He's doing what he loves. There's just nothing better. Well, maybe doing what he loves and making love with someone he loves would be a bit better.

I told him yesterday that if I had felt this way about him last October when I knew I was moving, I'm not sure a move would have occurred, and I know I am where I belong. So, it's a magnificent thing that I'm here and he's there, but it doesn't keep me from feeling sad sometimes.

If only I could look up from my desk and see him walking through the spa door. If I could walk around the square with him by my side. If we could sit on the couch in Rick's Chophouse bar and drink some wine while listening to Buzz sing. Oh, if only...

I can see him right now sitting in the library typing on his laptop sitting at the table where I first met him almost a year ago. Right now I'm wearing the shirt I had been wearing that day, October 7, 2008. I know what day it was because I opened up a journal of mine and it fell to the page where I was writing and then stopped the entry mid-sentence. Later I wrote that I stopped because a man sat at the table in front of me and we began a conversation. That wasn't all we began. He told me later that he knew when he first saw me that we would make love. Did I know that then? Hm, I know I had high hopes of that happening. I certainly thought about it during our first conversation.

I'm not sad anymore. I am so happy because I remembered that first day I laid eyes on him. I enjoy thinking about him. I relish the memories I have. He is an awesome lover. He told me the last night, actually the morning that I left for McKinney, that he wanted to give me a night I would never forget.

He did. But that's not all that's unforgettable. Neither is he. I even tried. I got involved with someone else, someone I just knew was "the one." Ha! He showed up in town one weekend from his home state and he showed me how disastrous he really was for me. He also showed me how little I really knew about what was good for me, because he truly was everything I thought I wanted. The moment I purged him from my life, I got a call from this kind, gentle, amazing man in Steamboat "out of the blue" and my heart longed for home. I just didn't ever see home as looking like him -- until that phone call.

From the bottom of my heart, I love you, Bo. I love you, I love you, I love you. And I want you to do everything that makes you happy, and if at any point that includes me, what an immense pleasure.

Icing on the cake

When I wake up in the mornings, I never know what I'm going to experience throughout the day. I'm always so amazed as it unfolds. Here's my day so far:

I awoke to my daughter's phone, her dog licking my face, and when I looked at my daughter, I saw her lying on top of the covers fully clothed with boots still on. The clock read 8:39. Welcome to my world.

The dog pounced on me, grabbing an arm in his mouth. I struggled to get up, tripping over him as I made my way to the bathroom. Finally, we headed out the door with an empty jug to fill with happy water and leash in hand.

After he took care of his morning business, we headed over to another apartment where a dear friend lives. She supplies me with what we lovingly call our happy water made from a Kangen filter. She so graciously made us coffee while the dog sniffed around the apartment, and before we knew it, we were cackling like high school girls. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus for happy water! There's nothing like it in coffee. I tell you what, that combination makes you feel like you've never left the Garden of Eden! One sip of that tasty brew and there are just no cares in the world.

After my daughter and I got dressed and ready to go out the door, we headed to her spa in downtown McKinney on the square. She took care of a morning patient and then laid down on the couch in the Gratitude Cafe, complaining about not feeling so great after her late night out with the Dallas Defenders, Dallas area law enforcement and firefighters football team. She's the team doctor. I told her she needed a bloody Mary. We were on a mission -- finding a bloody Mary on the square at 11:00 on a Friday morning. Thank goodness for Sauce and bartender Jason because it was taken care of in minutes. I ran into friends who joined us. We ended up having lunch and drinking -- her bloody Mary and my coffee.

Now, she's at The Ritz getting her hair done, and I just got off the phone with Natalie, a friend of mine who works at the history museum down the block. I need information on the history of the building that houses my daughter's Rejuvenation LifeSpa. I'm spending the night in a haunted tea shop tomorrow night with ghost hunters and a Dallas Morning News reporter. The reporter wanted me to see if there's any history to my daughter's office building worth reporting about. You know the typical historical information like was anyone killed here, any ghost sightings, was this a saloon or brothel, or just any typical information that would be listed in historical documents. Yeah, right. And I thought working for a shaman before moving here was different. I see now that working in his office was the only way I would be prepared for living here. What a frickin' trip this life is!

I just received a phone call from another friend who I'm working with tomorrow morning catering a wedding for 50 at an historical building in town. So, after being here in the spa today, I'll be heading over to the haunted tea shop to prepare meals for tomorrow morning. And after that is a wild night at Cadillac Pizza Pub with a local band if I'm not too tired. Because another thing I've learned in this journey called life is that sometimes there's just nothing better than a wonderfully comfy bed with my daughter's dog curled up next to me. Really, everything else is icing on the cake.

Life is but a dream...

I can hardly believe it's been so long since I've blogged. I have a dear friend who even said he'd fix my virus-ridden computer so that I could get back to my blogs. How sweet is that? However, at the moment, my laptop is busy scanning for viruses, my daughter's with one of her last patients for the night, so I'm on her computer finally writing like I love to. I miss being a writer when I don't act like one, that's for sure. And it is a bit difficult to keep myself focused on my writing when there's commotion going on around me. I can do many things at once, but staying focused on my writing while also listening for a cue to get up and work is not really working so well for me right now.

So, what I want to really write about is this extraordinary experience I had Monday night with my warrior group, six of us united from a James Arthur Ray event last March. If you don't know what James can do for you, Google him. He's amazing, and my experiences with him continue to change my life, especially with my warrior family last Monday.

Our "assignment" was to speak and act as we wish we were. When I jumped in on the teleconference I was hearing about vacations, world traveling, book tours, working with the White House, etc. I got so caught up in it all that it became more real to me than what looked real before getting on the phone. All of a sudden I wasn't thinking about my bills or work left undone. I was in Switzerland enjoying a little down time after traveling the globe opening more RejuveNation LifeSpas and promoting my books. They were chiming in with questions and anecdotes that went along with what I was saying. The more we talked the more I believed. The more questions they asked, the more I believed. I knew I could do all that I was saying I was doing. It was an amazing little exercise that made me understand what James has been teaching all along. Focus on your vision and not what you see with your eyes. That's the real secret. Live from the outcome. Live your dreams to make them real. Give them form. Stay focused on that, not on what others think or say. What do you care? It's your life. These are your dreams. Live them. Be them. After all, life is but a dream.

God in The Gratitude Cafe

I met God in The Gratitude Cafe on July 16th. He came through the French doors wearing a white linen shirt, blue jeans, and black boots. He held his sunglasses in his hand, and he had the most beautiful head of gray hair I've ever seen on a man. He swooped through the door, across the room, and right up to the counter where my daughter and I were sitting. He leaned toward us and said, "Please tell me that the transformation of this place has just happened in the last week or so."

My heart has not beat the same since.

I knew immediately he was from my planet. We spoke the same language. He proved it over and over with every word he spoke. He even admitted being from my planet. I knew he was God. He told me that yes, indeed he was. I knew he had to be because I'd just seen Jesus in an ad on Facebook about finding my soulmate for those of us over fifty. Jesus looked really good, but God stole my heart. Ah...

He stayed long enough for me to find out his real name is Steve and he's very knowledgeable about computers and was too young to go to Woodstock. He also grew up in a drug store because that was where his father worked. He went to a local high school. I don't remember which one, but he bowed to me when I told him I was a Lynch grad. I knew then he must really be God.

Just as suddenly as he had swept into RejuveNation LifeSpa, he just as quickly sped away to see Bonnie at Orison's on the square. I gave him my daughter's card and told him about our next event this coming Friday. He loved what I'd done to scratch out her old address. I told him that if he looked at his name in the mirror it'd spell dog. He barked.

So, is God the most handsome male version of Cinderella? At the stroke of some time on the clock he fled to a shop on the square because he had to, and I haven't seen him since. Unfortunately, he didn't even leave one of his black boots behind. There is no sign of his existence. No one I've talked to even knows who he is except one person, the owner of Mama Emilia's, and he told me that God is married to Cindy and they walk their black lab around the square all the time. God did not have on a wedding ring, and I've never seen him walk the square. Ever. And I've seen plenty of couples walk a black lab around the square, but I don't know if their names are Steve and Cindy. And if there really is a God who's name is Steve and he's married to Cindy and they walk their black lab around the square, all I have to say is that Cindy is damn lucky.