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Today I've been very sad. It doesn't happen to me very often. My daughter even asked me if I was mad at her. I'm not and never was. It's just so rare that I'm not bubbling with happiness and joy.

Today was different. Today was a culmination of many moments of sadness and all I wanted to do was cry a bit. There's nothing wrong with that. It's an honest and true emotion and I deserved it. I was sad for several reasons, and one I feel is a bit selfish because by my writing about it, I know it will be read by the person I most don't want to read it. I don't want him to be sidetracked by anything, especially me. He's on a roll. He's in the zone, and I want him to stay there. It's an amazing place to be. He's disciplined enough to put me in a compartment that he doesn't think about so he can focus on what he moved to Steamboat to do. I honor that. I so respect that, and still I put in writing something that might alter that just a little.

I'm sad because I'm not with him. I'm sad because I just want to crawl under the sheets and lay with him. There's no place like lying next to him, skin to skin and having his arms wrapped around me. He runs his fingers down my arm and kisses me. I slip a leg over his, and it's just the best feeling I can remember.

I write this knowing that he will probably read this. I also know that he is so disciplined that it won't sidetrack him. I am so happy for him I could just bust. He's doing what he loves. There's just nothing better. Well, maybe doing what he loves and making love with someone he loves would be a bit better.

I told him yesterday that if I had felt this way about him last October when I knew I was moving, I'm not sure a move would have occurred, and I know I am where I belong. So, it's a magnificent thing that I'm here and he's there, but it doesn't keep me from feeling sad sometimes.

If only I could look up from my desk and see him walking through the spa door. If I could walk around the square with him by my side. If we could sit on the couch in Rick's Chophouse bar and drink some wine while listening to Buzz sing. Oh, if only...

I can see him right now sitting in the library typing on his laptop sitting at the table where I first met him almost a year ago. Right now I'm wearing the shirt I had been wearing that day, October 7, 2008. I know what day it was because I opened up a journal of mine and it fell to the page where I was writing and then stopped the entry mid-sentence. Later I wrote that I stopped because a man sat at the table in front of me and we began a conversation. That wasn't all we began. He told me later that he knew when he first saw me that we would make love. Did I know that then? Hm, I know I had high hopes of that happening. I certainly thought about it during our first conversation.

I'm not sad anymore. I am so happy because I remembered that first day I laid eyes on him. I enjoy thinking about him. I relish the memories I have. He is an awesome lover. He told me the last night, actually the morning that I left for McKinney, that he wanted to give me a night I would never forget.

He did. But that's not all that's unforgettable. Neither is he. I even tried. I got involved with someone else, someone I just knew was "the one." Ha! He showed up in town one weekend from his home state and he showed me how disastrous he really was for me. He also showed me how little I really knew about what was good for me, because he truly was everything I thought I wanted. The moment I purged him from my life, I got a call from this kind, gentle, amazing man in Steamboat "out of the blue" and my heart longed for home. I just didn't ever see home as looking like him -- until that phone call.

From the bottom of my heart, I love you, Bo. I love you, I love you, I love you. And I want you to do everything that makes you happy, and if at any point that includes me, what an immense pleasure.

And the magic continues...

Another day in McKinney at The RejuveNation LifeSpa. Honestly, I don't know what to say. I don't know what words are capable of emitting the emotion that I feel at the moment. I am in awe. I am grateful. I am speechless.

Two of my most favorite people in the world showed up here tonight to do a night of trance dancing -- dancing to tribal drumming while blindfolded. Since I had already done it, I helped Silky spot those who were dancing without physical sight. You read that right -- Silky. I love that name. Silky Hart. It not only fits her perfectly but describes her so well too. I watched her dance tonight, and the movements were silky, flowing, effortless, and so graceful. She showed me how fluidity in her body exposed how open and natural she is, so allowing of others to be who they are in the moment, so open to the world of all possibilities and basking in the glow of immense abundance. She glowed with radiance as her hands flowed through the air as she swayed to the beat of the drumming. She was art at its best.

And my other favorite person is Silky's husband Tom. He set up his speakers and drums and soothed us into the beat of the music. Thank you, Tom and Silky, for being a part of my dreams coming true. I am so grateful to the two of you and to all who participated with us tonight. It was truly a night of magic at The RejuveNation LifeSpa.

I showed up here in McKinney last fall to spend my daughter's birthday with her and moved here just two weeks later. A beautiful, gracious, and loving man helped me move without once saying a derogatory word, not once did he utter a syllable of negativity. He packed me up. He moved my studio into the UHaul and then gave me the time of my life. He didn't want me to move, but he didn't say a word about it the whole time he carried boxes down the stairs to the truck. Instead, he helped me go down a path that unfolded my dreams.

And here I am in McKinney, Texas watching those dreams come to life every second I just show up. RejuveNation LifeSpa is magic. We all felt it tonight. People walk by tonight with the doors open and walk in. They tell me they feel it in here. They feel the magic. I do too. It's the magic of knowing I'm okay no matter what. I'm leaping and the net appears over and over and over. The right people and situations walk through the doors every day. I open the doors and dreams unfold. My dreams. The dreams I would've never dreamed before I knew how magical life really is.

So, thank you to all who helped make this happen for me. To my daughter, Dr. Alyssa Summey, you are my greatest gift, my wildest dream come true, and the most magnificent magic. You've taught me to believe in who I really am. Thank you.

Thank you to all who showed up tonight to play in my dream. It was so fun being with you and feeling the love in that room. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

To Tom and Silky. You are the light I choose to be.

And to Bo, thank you for trusting in me, knowing that I was embarking on a necessary journey and believing that our time apart would be temporary. In the meantime, thank you for everything. Absolutely everything. I breathe you in and it is delicious.

God in The Gratitude Cafe

I met God in The Gratitude Cafe on July 16th. He came through the French doors wearing a white linen shirt, blue jeans, and black boots. He held his sunglasses in his hand, and he had the most beautiful head of gray hair I've ever seen on a man. He swooped through the door, across the room, and right up to the counter where my daughter and I were sitting. He leaned toward us and said, "Please tell me that the transformation of this place has just happened in the last week or so."

My heart has not beat the same since.

I knew immediately he was from my planet. We spoke the same language. He proved it over and over with every word he spoke. He even admitted being from my planet. I knew he was God. He told me that yes, indeed he was. I knew he had to be because I'd just seen Jesus in an ad on Facebook about finding my soulmate for those of us over fifty. Jesus looked really good, but God stole my heart. Ah...

He stayed long enough for me to find out his real name is Steve and he's very knowledgeable about computers and was too young to go to Woodstock. He also grew up in a drug store because that was where his father worked. He went to a local high school. I don't remember which one, but he bowed to me when I told him I was a Lynch grad. I knew then he must really be God.

Just as suddenly as he had swept into RejuveNation LifeSpa, he just as quickly sped away to see Bonnie at Orison's on the square. I gave him my daughter's card and told him about our next event this coming Friday. He loved what I'd done to scratch out her old address. I told him that if he looked at his name in the mirror it'd spell dog. He barked.

So, is God the most handsome male version of Cinderella? At the stroke of some time on the clock he fled to a shop on the square because he had to, and I haven't seen him since. Unfortunately, he didn't even leave one of his black boots behind. There is no sign of his existence. No one I've talked to even knows who he is except one person, the owner of Mama Emilia's, and he told me that God is married to Cindy and they walk their black lab around the square all the time. God did not have on a wedding ring, and I've never seen him walk the square. Ever. And I've seen plenty of couples walk a black lab around the square, but I don't know if their names are Steve and Cindy. And if there really is a God who's name is Steve and he's married to Cindy and they walk their black lab around the square, all I have to say is that Cindy is damn lucky.

What's time got to do with it?

Seriously, today's July 9th. Honest to God, how did that happen? Not to mention that it's 2009. I'm tired of this time thing. Can't we just do away with it once and for all? Can't we go to work whenever we feel like it? Same thing with eating and sleeping? What if we ran our lives by internal clocks instead? Actually, what if we ran everything in our lives from an internal barometer instead of any external ones?

For instance, I awoke this morning to water dripping from the bathroom ceiling. That's after planning a day filled with "have-to" things because of the direction my life has been going. Alyssa has her first open mic night at the new digs so there's a lot to go into preparing for it. Cyndy and I just got two parties to cater to today and in between prep time and serving time, we were going to go over a plan on how we could make a catering business work between us.

But then I awoke to water dripping from the ceiling.

Did I mention that the shelf in the closet fell and clothes are stacked on the couch, boxes filled with shoes, hats, and belts stashed in every extra space? My art supplies are in every corner possible. And surely I've mentioned that I'm working on an art project for Working Mother Media that needs to be sent to NYC as soon as possible, so my sewing machine, cutting materials, ironing board, and boxes of fabric are filling the kitchen and living room. Right now I'm propped on the end of the couch with my laptop on my knees typing in the dark, because Alyssa's fallen asleep on the couch sitting up. She stayed up last night working on things for her office space. She was there late with the electrician, a dear friend so generous to do the work, and then came home preparing for today.

I don't think I lasted being vertical much past midnight even with a couple of cups of coffee. I was working on my art, but when it comes to using the sewing machine I really need to be fully functioning. I can screw things up when I'm overly tired. And my machine's been with me longer than most relationships, and it knows when I've had enough. It will just stop working, and it did very early this morning. It kept breaking threads, and I just called it a night.

When I finally got ready for bed, it seemed to me that the bathroom ceiling was still in one piece. It was between then and when I was awakened by dripping water, that the ceiling became less dense. It's got a nice line running through it with three holes that drip water. Alyssa called maintenance right away -- a 1-866 number -- and talked with someone from India. She told them that it was an emergency. They asked where she was. Not what apartment number but what apartment complex in what state and in what town. They said they'd get right over.

From India? From what state and from what town?

Just a few weeks ago, we would've been able to go to a very wonderful man in the main building and tell him what the problem is. He would've taken care of it, but now everything goes through corporate and apparently corporate operates out of India as does every other U.S. corporation that's still intact. No, I know they don't "operate" out of India, but it's their contract labor in India that we as consumers have to deal with.

So, how long do you suppose it's going to take to get maintenance here to fix a dripping ceiling and reinstall a shelf in the closet? Well, we'll see. Let's just hope that when they arrive, I'm here to take the dog out with me, because there's no one coming in here as long as he's here alone.

But didn't this posting start out talking about time and internal barometers instead of external ones controlling how our days are being spent? And just where was I going with that concept? Oh, who knows...my external surroundings are playing way too big a role in my consciousness right now to go any deeper. The internal workings are just going to have to work without me for a while. Right now I will just master going with the flow of wherever this river takes me. (Thanks, Silky, for that metaphor this morning!)

The best fourth of July ever...

Before I get into what I want to write about I have to say that I am sooo grateful for the rain and the 82 degrees. When was the last day that it didn't get up to 100? I hear people say that this hot weather is so unusual for this area, and all I want to say is: "THAT'S WHY I LEFT HERE IN '74! IT'S FRICKIN' HOT!" Okay, now that I've said that, I feel so much better and ready to blog about my night last night.

What a very happy fourth and fifth of July it was/is. First of all, my hat's off to Broken Code. You guys, rock. Seriously, do you not get how great you are??? I've heard each of the band members at Cadillac's, but I don't recall hearing all of them play together until last night. Where have you guys been hiding? If I'd had my camera I'd be posting pictures of the great time we had.

They were gracious enough to ask Alyssa and me to get on stage with them and sing, dance, and bang on things (like a tambourine). Hopefully, the music drowned out our voices. There are many things I'd have to say that my daughter and I are great at, but I know for a fact, that our singing abilities really suck. However, once I have a couple of glasses of red wine in me, I can do just about anything and not care. So, all you at Dodie's last night in Allen, I apologize if my voice really did come out on the mic. That was not my intention. I didn't know the mic was on. (yeah right)

I loved dancing and singing to Mustang Sally and Sweet Home Alabama, and I had no idea anyone could play Santana like they did last night except for Santana. I was mesmerized by the guitars and foot pedals that went with them. I majored in music back in the middle ages and I had no idea that there were foot pedals with guitars. Rod and Bob had millions of them. So, there they were picking and strumming with their hands, and their feet were tapping on these pedals. What? When did guitars come with pedals? I had no idea. It opened up a whole new world for me. With my big ol' piano a few hundred years ago, I only had three pedals and they had no lights flashing at me to let me know if my chords were in tune. Rod's and Bob's pedals had red and green lights to let them know if the chords they were playing were in tune, and digital numbers even came up to let them know which chords they were playing. C'mon, how cool is that? Gotta love technology...

I haven't shaken any tambourines in years and to be able to get myself up on stage last night at the age of 52 and shake my money maker was just plain fun. I want to thank Dr. Jim Johnston for a lovely night of food and drink, my daughter, Dr. Alyssa Summey, for playing with me, and to Broken Code -- Alan, Bob, Rod, and Phil, for just letting me play with them. It was a wannabe rock star's dream come true. I certainly hope you guys will let me do it again. I promise not to stick my mouth so close to the mic.

Roots

Today was by far one of the most amazing times of my life. I found myself saying yes to staying here, at least for now.

Since my divorce, I've realized how little I feel the need to commit -- to anything. I love being free and loose with no mortgage and no rent. Until today. Today I sat in Lavender House with seven other women brainstorming about how we can work together and how we can add more value to each other's passions. It was a beautiful way to spend my day. It was lovely. It was like none other, and isn't it amazing that I have had so many of those amazing days since being single, especially since moving to McKinney, Texas?

I intend to be happy and joyful with whatever shows up and know that it's all so perfect no matter what it looks like. This is my one remaining intention. All other goals and intentions have slipped away. Since living my life like this, the most beautiful experiences and people have flowed into my life. Every day is this glorious new adventure that just astounds me with its magical unfolding.

It started when I chose to follow my intuition even though it seemed stupid. A few years ago I had built my dream home with my husband of 25 years at that time. I had a 1200 square foot studio to create in all day and night. I had a balcony built outside the glass sliding doors so I could take my afternoon coffee breaks overlooking the Colorado mountains. There were 40 acres of open space behind me, and in Boulder County that was sacred. Never would a fence be put up alongside it much less any developments. It was pristine and wonderful, and I felt incredibly lonely and in the wrong place with the wrong man, and I was miserable.

Within 2 years I moved to Steamboat Springs because I walked through an open door. I never intended to be in Steamboat. Only knew two people who lived there. What few memories I had of Steamboat were not good ones at all, but I showed up anyway. There seemed to be no logic to this move, but somehow it felt right and it flowed, so I did it.

Two years later I knew why. I made incredible friends and family there, and my growth was exponential. I never put down roots there. I never even made a utilities payment there. I had nothing but a checkbook with my post office box there. I did rent studio space, but I signed on for only a year. I didn't even last that long. I knew it was a short visit, but it was long enough to fall in love with several people and carry them now in my heart.

Last September for my birthday I was given a massage and intuitive reading from a couple of women in Steamboat. I got my session with them somewhere around the first of October. The intuitive told me that I had a man in my energy field. He was so close, and all I had to do was allow him in. She told me that I needed to be more fully me, to feel good in my own skin, and to live who I was. That would bring him forth. She told me I was to wear bright colors because it made me feel good instead of always throwing on the nearest pair of jeans and sweatshirt. She also told me that I needed to leave Steamboat. That one I already knew, but she told me that going where my daughter was would be the ideal spot. I just about came off the massage table on that one, because I had no intention of going back to Dallas. Ever.

The next day I wore a brightly colored shirt and beads and met a man in the library. A little over a month later I moved to Dallas area to be with my daughter. I'm still in touch with the man, and my daughter, Dr. Alyssa Summey, and I are in the midst of an amazing business venture. What's the most miraculous thing though is that I want to put down roots here.

Alyssa left her previous office space to move into one in the square in downtown McKinney. Within 2 weeks what she had been promised fell through and the men involved said they were moving out. That left her with a huge space and a large rent.

But then the real players showed up.

It's still unfolding, but there are many wonderful women coming into our lives wanting to play with us in the most remarkable ways. The miracles that follow are too numerous to count. Every moment is one of awe. It feels as if every breath I ever took has led to this one. That this is what I've been waiting for, and what this is is still an untold story. Right now it looks like everything I ever dreamed of.

And it's a lot of work. It's just the beginning and I foresee many sleepless nights. Already my car's filled with stuff to move in the new space. And it's just the beginning. Did I already mention that?

I'm not afraid of hard labor. I welcome it because it means the beginning of a dream come true.

I'm finally willing to commit to something. I'm finally willing to put down roots. And I'm willing to do it all knowing that the need to move on may show up again.

For all who don't know, we are in the midst of a cold front here in McKinney, Texas. It's 9:37 in the morning and only 82 degrees. I'm looking for my jacket. Wherever did I put my jeans?

The reason I'm looking for clothes at all (and not that it's necessary to wear jeans and jacket right now) is that a shelf in the closet came crashing down and everything needs to be taken out of it to make room for the necessary repairs. The first thing I told my daughter, Alyssa, was that we'd need to patch it. She looks at me like I'm speaking a different language. "Mom," she said, "that's what maintenance is for."

Now, this really hit me. I've been a homeowner most of my life. I'm used to taking care of all the repairs. I either did it myself or had the numbers at the ready of those who could do it for me. What a concept to just call maintenance and they come and fix it and you don't pay for it. This renting thing is nice. Why hadn't I thought of it before?

Do you know how long it's been since I've pulled a weed or watered flower beds? How many years ago was it that I painted my porch railing summer after summer? With a wraparound porch, it took most of the summer too.

Renting, it's a lovely concept. If I want to move, I don't have to put anything on the market and pray for a quick sale.

Really, this is fascinating. I have so much more time because it's not my responsibility to take care of a house and yard anymore. I'm not in charge of those chores anymore. I can put my energy into things that matter to me. This is such a wild concept to me that I'm just reveling in it right now. Even though I haven't been a homeowner in a couple of years, this is the first time something has occurred that needed repairs, and I didn't have to make them. Sweet mother of god, why didn't someone tell me sooner that I didn't have to be responsible???

I feel years younger, more vibrant, and ready to take on the world because I'm not responsible.

I've been responsible since I can remember. Responsibility has weighed heavily on me, and because of it I took life seriously. I took myself seriously. I felt it necessary to figure everything out, how we were going to pay bills, how we were going to take time off for seminars, where our daughter was going to school, how she was going to get there...

Ahhhh, now I breathe. Now I just sit here on this monstrous couch knowing that maintenance is called and all I need do is breathe. Life is not serious. I'm not serious. It's all a game. It's all just fun. Okay, so the flea thing wasn't fun, but it has been my intention to clear things out of my life, and guess what? I got the opportunity to do just that when fleas showed up on the cutest puppy in the world that just happens to be living with me. Actually, I live with him. He and my daughter were here first and I showed up .

Now back to the "cold front."

My computer is still set at Steamboat Springs, Colorado time and weather, so when I open my yahoo account, I get to see 45 degrees as the current weather. I can even almost believe it until I open the front door to the apartment and am hit by the oven-like atmosphere. I'll be talking with a friend from Steamboat who tells me how hot it is there, and I glance at my computer to see the 72 degrees listed. I'm telling you, though, that temperature can feel really hot. I know. What Colorado doesn't have is the humidity. I knew how fortunate I was to live without it for 34 years, but chose instead to jump back into it last November. Back then Texas felt really good when Steamboat was getting hit with snow again, but now? I don't think I can say anything more than how great it feels to be able to call maintenance when something in the apartment needs to be fixed.

No way to begin a day

My daughter gets out of bed this morning telling me that she felt fleas on her. This, my friends, is no way to begin your day. It meant hauling everything into the kitchen, vacuuming, and then spraying the carpet and furniture after going out in 100 degree weather to get spray for the carpet and flea drops for the dog. Before spraying the carpet though, I had to first scrub the dog down and leave the flea shampoo on for five minutes. He was a happy, happy boy about that, let me tell you.

After moving everything into the kitchen and vacuuming the carpet, I sprayed it, leaving myself a trail to get out of Dodge. I had to be gone for two hours. We were gone for three.

My daughter's a chiropractor, Dr. Alyssa Summey, and she was at her office talking to new practitioners who want to rent space from her. She's developing a wellness clinic on the square in McKinney and getting it operational as soon as possible. The front of the clinic will house a cafe for healthy snacks and beverages, lending library, games, internet, classes and lectures at night with maybe some poetry slams and writing and art classes thrown in too. We're putting together something that is like nothing we've seen before. Can't wait to get started on it this week. It's going to be rockin' the square. Woo hoo!

Before July is out, it should be up and running smoothly. We'll have tables and chairs inside and out. It will be the happening place on the square. Can't wait! I'll be a barista extraordinaire, at least that's what I'm saying today.

So, back to the flea party at the homestead...

I scooted out of Dodge in the still 100 degree weather and headed to Alyssa's office where she was finishing up with Cindy Goldman, a sound healer and yoga instructor. The dog was flying through the big office space chasing a fly. Hey, he was clean and cute doing it.

I was just happy to get off my feet.

Alyssa treated me to Cafe Malaga's tapas and iced tea. I had no idea how hungry I was. I had the Sampler Platter with pita and three different kinds of dips. Yum. Alyssa dove into salmon and spinach. Everything tasted great, and the place was packed. When we were done we took a walk with the dog around the older neighborhood near the square. I'll have to go back there and take some pictures of some of those houses because I've never seen anything like them. It was so wonderful looking at homes that were so lovingly cared for. It just felt good to be in the neighborhood.

So now, the carpet got vacuumed again before the dog was allowed back in, the quilt and sheets are in the laundry, and everything is moved out of the kitchen. However, it's 10:37 at night and I can't go to bed. There are no clean sheets yet. I can hardly keep my eyes open, and for the life of me I have no idea what it is I've just typed.