So what do I know? The one thing I'm discovering about life is that just when I think I know what I'm to do, where I'm to live, and who I'm to be with, oops, there goes the rug out from under my feet again. My friend Tom Crum from Aiki Works calls this learning to dance on shifting carpet. I think the best thing I can do for myself is to stop trying to figure it out. Just when I think I've grown tired of the maze I put myself through, there I go again.
Case in point. Speaking of Tom, I went to his Journey to Center workshop in Peaceful Valley, CO last September. Tom is a magnificent teacher, and I highly recommend him for anything he teaches even if you don't play golf or ski, it'd be well worth your while to take his workshops on those anyway!
One day during the workshop I was talking to Tom about having a man in my life. He told me to hold off for at least six months after taking his workshop because my heart was so wide open now. He said that this was now a time for me to absorb what I learned in the week with him and let it integrate without involving someone else.
A couple of weeks later dear, dear friends of mine gave me a gift certificate for a massage/intuitive reading by two wonderful women in Steamboat Springs, CO, so I jumped at it. Right away I was told that there was a man right here for me. He was right here and I just needed to be open to the experience. Hm...
The next day I went to the library in between appointments, sat at a table all by myself when a man sits at the table next to mine. And voila! we began dating and enjoying each other tremendously. I told him from the start that I was leaving Steamboat. At first he said, "No, you're not." Then he said he was going with me, and when it got down to the real possibility of me leaving, he told me to give him two years. Stay in Steamboat for two more years while he did what he wanted to get done and then we'd go wherever I wanted. I couldn't stay in Steamboat any longer. He helped me pack up, and we spent some wonderful time together the nights before I left, and then I was gone.
The last I heard from him was Christmas day until he called last Sunday.
Saturday night I had a too-long conversation with "Sam from Seattle" and all I could feel was that it was so over. In my world anymore, what doesn't fit for me gets chewed up and spit out, and sure enough that's what happened Sunday morning. I got sick immediately, purged my guts out, and went to bed again. When I awoke three hours later after a clear resolve to not have Sam from Seattle in my life at all anymore, feeling clean and fresh and renewed, I get a call from this guy in Steamboat.
Now, you may not believe in many things that I do, but you just can't deny the timing of that call. Right when I was cleared out and cleaned up, in comes a phone call from someone who lit up my life with pure joy and sweetness. There was never anything crazy about our short time together. We enjoyed each other's company tremendously, and then I moved.
Just before moving here, I had a reading from a psychic at a party last October. I asked whether or not I'd be meeting a man. He told me straight out that I already had a man. I looked at him puzzled. He told me that there was a really great man in my life already. My thoughts were so focused on moving to my next adventure that I didn't even see what was right there in front of me.
Looking back on all of it now and seeing how blind I was to what was going on, I realize how important it was for me to do all that I did in the way I did them. I needed the experiences I've had here, especially the craziness with Sam because it gave me a great view of what I don't want in my life. I had been on a search for the holy grail of the perfect mate. You know, the one who has all the right features. For me that was someone who was on the same spiritual path as me where we could speak the same language and understand each other so clearly. Oh dear god, what was I thinking? What showed up was a man who I met at a workshop I had attended. Even though we didn't meet until the workshop was over, I was so sure that it was meant to be. What I did was make him fit the mold I was looking for, come hell or high water. It was some of the most painful experiences of my life. Thank God it was only a few short weeks. Thank you, sweet Jesus! And thank you so much for the great lessons. He was a perfect mirror of what I was going through, and I was able to exponentially grow. I am so grateful.
I want peace. I want tranquility. I want to be able to move through my days calmly, enjoying my moments as I do the things I love. I've closed the door on crazy and opened another one to peace and joy and calm.
So, now this man from Steamboat has resurfaced and after experiencing crazy, I look at this man that I left behind in a whole different light. I appreciate him. I remember our times together and the memories fill me with such joy. I smile easier, more calmly. I'm just happy in a serene way.
Wow, what a concept. Oh, and it's been well over six months since my workshop with Tom.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
A whole new world...OMG!
My life erupts, catapults, excalates. It doesn't just gradually transform. I do massive movement. I enjoy speed. I intend ease and grace. Really, I do. I learned that from my shaman, Rob Wergin, but somehow or another ease and grace looks like volcanic eruptions. A dear friend of mine, Bee Herz, who I've just reconnected with (thank you, GOD!) told me that no matter what shows up, I fling the door open and usher it in. Fascinating concept. Looking back on life as a single girl, I have to agree with her.
I've said it before -- I'm a leaper. I jump without looking. I fling myself headlong because I can. I open my heart and love passionately because I know no other way now. I had lived a life of stagnation. I call it a 27-year marriage that looked like one day because every day felt the same. And now? It's as if when leaving that marriage, I left behind the cocoon I metamorphed out of and soared freely. Here's a list of some of the wild adventures I've participated in since being on my own --
1. knelt on Wall Street
2. made love in Manhattan
3. moved to the mountains
4. worked for a shaman
5. traveled to Aspen on a regular basis
6. gave blow jobs over the mountains in a private plane
7. did everything but intercourse in a restaurant in Steamboat (no, I'm not saying which one or with whom, but I'd be willing to do it again with him...)
8. ooh, this is a great one -- helped a "ghost" cross over
9. created a magnificent family
10. moved to McKinney, TX
11. discovered the internet
12. got back to writing daily
13. developed a career on my own
14. met corporate people in NYC I had been working with for years
15. co-piloted an experimental plane over the mountains
16. met many of John Denver's friends in Aspen
17. took a workshop with the magnificent Tom Crum
18. met James Arthur Ray and attended two of his events so far
19. had many experiences with men that will go down in infamy, at least in my memory
20. okay, I cannot leave this one out --I was enjoying myself in the back of my Subaru with my pilot at the Steamboat airport when a twin engine came barreling towards us since we were parked beside his hangar. With my pilot's naked butt in the air, we scrambled to locate clothing and with bare breasts flapping, I jumped into the driver's seat to zoom out of there before the plane parked right beside the car. This, my friends, is priceless. This memory stands out soooo much. We laughed our heads off after we got out of there. I could never drive by the Bob Adams Airport without thinking about it.
But, what I really want to talk about today is what happened yesterday. So, if you've read this far you'll now get the coolest juice.
I spent the day with a new friend of mine, DeDe Murcer Moffett, who showed me this virtual world that she and a team had created. I watched her move her virtual self around, flying, swimming, leaping, whatever she chose to do. This virtual world is exactly how this "real" world works. Her virtual self didn't know where she was going next or what she was getting ready to do. However, the "real" her was pushing the control keys on the keypad and made her swim, fly, walk, etc. What was interesting though was that even though DeDe was pushing certain buttons, her virtual self didn't always follow through. Hm, sound familiar? Our higher selves knows what's best for us, leads us towards the "right" path, but our conscious selves may choose a different way. And so the struggle continues...
It was just so mind-blowing that I haven't been able to get my mind on anything else. It reminded me of Dorothy on the yellow brick road thinking she was going to see the wizard, but instead, discovered the man behind the curtain. I feel like this has been my life. I grew up believing the world I lived in was one of absolutes and certainty. I was told that I could not break boards with my bare hand, or walk on hot coals without getting burnt. I was also told to get a degree, work for a good company, and then retire with a healthy pension plan. I was also led to believe that marriage was sacred and that there was no such thing as divorce. I discovered though that I could break a board like it was tissue paper. There is no security in the job market, and that a college degree doesn't guarantee you diddly squat. And truly, the biggest illusion/delusion was the marriage game. Marrying someone because I couldn't live without him was the biggest farce of them all. Not only could I live without him; I soared without him. My greatest breakthroughs have been these past 2 1/2 years on my own. I've discovered the fantastical illusory world that has been built around me, and as soon as I changed my perception, my world shifted.
And so it is with this virtual world. It exemplifies how easy it is to create everything that you want. You build your own house with ease. You want to go from one point to the next, you can teleport, fly, swim, heck you can even walk on water. When DeDe wanted something or to go somewhere she didn't wonder how she was going to do it, she just did it with full knowledge that anything was possible. She could walk through doors, which she did, when she wanted to get somewhere. No matter what she did she was okay. Whether she was under water, in the sky, or standing on the ground. She was okay. She was never in any danger. She was always provided for. Everything she needed was within her reach.
This, my friends, is the key to the kingdom. It's the knowledge that we can do, be, or have anything that we want -- ANYTHING. It's one thing to know it intellectually, but it's certainly another to embrace it emotionally. Yesterday I was able to embrace it because at one point I couldn't tell the difference between the virtual or the "real."
So, today is like a birthday for me. This is the new me at this moment. The me who recognizes for the first time the real unlimited potentialities. This is all just a hologram that we create. This is our virtual reality. No one else in the world is going to see things as you do. You have that uniqueness that no one else does. You came here to play. See the life you live as that virtual world, because that's exactly what it is. Pick the players you want to share your playground with, and enjoy them with blissful abandonment. Open your heart. Open your arms. Allow the eternal joy to flow in no matter what because you are creating everything before you. What a master you are!
I've said it before -- I'm a leaper. I jump without looking. I fling myself headlong because I can. I open my heart and love passionately because I know no other way now. I had lived a life of stagnation. I call it a 27-year marriage that looked like one day because every day felt the same. And now? It's as if when leaving that marriage, I left behind the cocoon I metamorphed out of and soared freely. Here's a list of some of the wild adventures I've participated in since being on my own --
1. knelt on Wall Street
2. made love in Manhattan
3. moved to the mountains
4. worked for a shaman
5. traveled to Aspen on a regular basis
6. gave blow jobs over the mountains in a private plane
7. did everything but intercourse in a restaurant in Steamboat (no, I'm not saying which one or with whom, but I'd be willing to do it again with him...)
8. ooh, this is a great one -- helped a "ghost" cross over
9. created a magnificent family
10. moved to McKinney, TX
11. discovered the internet
12. got back to writing daily
13. developed a career on my own
14. met corporate people in NYC I had been working with for years
15. co-piloted an experimental plane over the mountains
16. met many of John Denver's friends in Aspen
17. took a workshop with the magnificent Tom Crum
18. met James Arthur Ray and attended two of his events so far
19. had many experiences with men that will go down in infamy, at least in my memory
20. okay, I cannot leave this one out --I was enjoying myself in the back of my Subaru with my pilot at the Steamboat airport when a twin engine came barreling towards us since we were parked beside his hangar. With my pilot's naked butt in the air, we scrambled to locate clothing and with bare breasts flapping, I jumped into the driver's seat to zoom out of there before the plane parked right beside the car. This, my friends, is priceless. This memory stands out soooo much. We laughed our heads off after we got out of there. I could never drive by the Bob Adams Airport without thinking about it.
But, what I really want to talk about today is what happened yesterday. So, if you've read this far you'll now get the coolest juice.
I spent the day with a new friend of mine, DeDe Murcer Moffett, who showed me this virtual world that she and a team had created. I watched her move her virtual self around, flying, swimming, leaping, whatever she chose to do. This virtual world is exactly how this "real" world works. Her virtual self didn't know where she was going next or what she was getting ready to do. However, the "real" her was pushing the control keys on the keypad and made her swim, fly, walk, etc. What was interesting though was that even though DeDe was pushing certain buttons, her virtual self didn't always follow through. Hm, sound familiar? Our higher selves knows what's best for us, leads us towards the "right" path, but our conscious selves may choose a different way. And so the struggle continues...
It was just so mind-blowing that I haven't been able to get my mind on anything else. It reminded me of Dorothy on the yellow brick road thinking she was going to see the wizard, but instead, discovered the man behind the curtain. I feel like this has been my life. I grew up believing the world I lived in was one of absolutes and certainty. I was told that I could not break boards with my bare hand, or walk on hot coals without getting burnt. I was also told to get a degree, work for a good company, and then retire with a healthy pension plan. I was also led to believe that marriage was sacred and that there was no such thing as divorce. I discovered though that I could break a board like it was tissue paper. There is no security in the job market, and that a college degree doesn't guarantee you diddly squat. And truly, the biggest illusion/delusion was the marriage game. Marrying someone because I couldn't live without him was the biggest farce of them all. Not only could I live without him; I soared without him. My greatest breakthroughs have been these past 2 1/2 years on my own. I've discovered the fantastical illusory world that has been built around me, and as soon as I changed my perception, my world shifted.
And so it is with this virtual world. It exemplifies how easy it is to create everything that you want. You build your own house with ease. You want to go from one point to the next, you can teleport, fly, swim, heck you can even walk on water. When DeDe wanted something or to go somewhere she didn't wonder how she was going to do it, she just did it with full knowledge that anything was possible. She could walk through doors, which she did, when she wanted to get somewhere. No matter what she did she was okay. Whether she was under water, in the sky, or standing on the ground. She was okay. She was never in any danger. She was always provided for. Everything she needed was within her reach.
This, my friends, is the key to the kingdom. It's the knowledge that we can do, be, or have anything that we want -- ANYTHING. It's one thing to know it intellectually, but it's certainly another to embrace it emotionally. Yesterday I was able to embrace it because at one point I couldn't tell the difference between the virtual or the "real."
So, today is like a birthday for me. This is the new me at this moment. The me who recognizes for the first time the real unlimited potentialities. This is all just a hologram that we create. This is our virtual reality. No one else in the world is going to see things as you do. You have that uniqueness that no one else does. You came here to play. See the life you live as that virtual world, because that's exactly what it is. Pick the players you want to share your playground with, and enjoy them with blissful abandonment. Open your heart. Open your arms. Allow the eternal joy to flow in no matter what because you are creating everything before you. What a master you are!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Another day, another lesson
Last night I had a two-hour conversation with a friend of mine. Now, he'd probably say it wasn't a conversation but more a monologue he listened to. I was teaching him that it was okay to talk to me in a way that just didn't feel good to me. I realized how I had allowed men to do this to me all my life. Here's how I remember the conversation going:
"Jill, I'm a man. Tell me one thing at a time. Don't go all over the place talking about everything but what it is you're trying to tell me. Have you heard of spiderwebbing? That's what you're doing."
Then he proceeds to tell me that someone sent him a link to a video because it reminded them of me. I asked why they would send him a video about me. He said it was because they knew that he knew me.
Now, I'm sitting there wondering who in the heck this person could be, why a video would remind them of me, and why in the world would they be inclined to send it to him.
He tells me to check it out on the internet.
I watch a baby jabbering away nonstop at her father while she's strapped in a car seat. Dad sits beside her nodding his head and can't keep himself from laughing. The baby is darling. The father is so attentive and oozes love for his little girl. It was so heart warming that it took me awhile to realize that his intention was not for me to see it quite the way I was looking at it.
First of all, no one sent it to him. The thoughts in my head throughout this whole thing were being shot around like a pinball bouncing off one obstacle after another. WTF?
He was trying (I think) to show me how he saw me -- a baby jabbering, making no sense. I'm guessing what he was trying to say. I didn't ask because I was too befuddled to form a question, and that's when I realized how I've been feeling in this relationship. Pinged from one end of the earth to the next. Yes, I'm coming to Dallas. No, I'm not coming. Oops, I showed up anyway without telling you. Ping. Ping. Ping.
I'm discovering how difficult it is for me to be hit with all these different messages. It's unsettling. Why not just say what's on your mind? Don't make up stories. Don't show videos under false pretenses. Tell me, like you did, to stick with one subject, and then leave it at that. Tell me you got a link to a video that you thought illustrated how women talk and would I be interested in taking a look at something that was sweet, funny, and well yes, showed how women do talk without making much sense to men sometimes. I am aware of it, but please think about how you come across before acting upon something. Don't tell stories that are not true. You want to be a master? You want to be enlightened? You want to show how much growth you've had? Then be authentic.
Think before you say something. Think before you do something. And, please know that everything I say to you, I'm saying to myself. I do not like being lied to and having stories made up to screw with me. Do not tell me someone jumped you when they didn't just to see my reaction. I consider that not only unnecessary but mean. What purpose does that serve for you? What do you get out of that?
I'm learning what it is I really want in a relationship and here it is:
I want someone who would move mountains to be with me fully, someone who shows up ready to play full on, willing to explore me physically, emotionally, and spiritually and be that present for me to do the same with him.
Someone who is really available. Someone who opens up.
Someone who thinks of me often, and those thoughts make him smile.
Someone who considers what he can get me to show me that he is thinking of me and is aware of what I like.
Someone who listens because he's interested in what I have to say.
Someone who respects me, honors me, and loves me unconditionally.
I choose better for me. I choose wholeness and authenticity. I choose integrity from a man and in a man.
This is what I desire in a relationship with a man. This is what I desire to give back to a man. Everything I intend to receive from a man is what I choose freely to give to him. I've waited my whole life for this. I was born to love. I was born to open my heart and pour the love out. I was also born to have it reciprocated. That's the intention I breathe life into.
I intend a relationship with a man who can stand up fully and declare how he feels about me, not hide it. I intend a relationship with a man who can be so open and so caring, so compassionate without losing himself. A man that knows clearly who he is, relishes that, and acts easily upon that knowledge.
I desire a man who loves who he is so much that loves flows out of him so easily, a man who respects himself so much that he only gives the best of himself in every moment. And I know for a fact, I cannot have a man like that in my life until I become that myself. It begins with me. I am the one who needs to change. I am the one that needs to step up to the plate and demand more of myself, to be truly authentic and not play games. I am the pinball because I created that game for myself. I choose differently now. I choose the best of myself and for myself. I cannot ask something from another without being it first.
"Jill, I'm a man. Tell me one thing at a time. Don't go all over the place talking about everything but what it is you're trying to tell me. Have you heard of spiderwebbing? That's what you're doing."
Then he proceeds to tell me that someone sent him a link to a video because it reminded them of me. I asked why they would send him a video about me. He said it was because they knew that he knew me.
Now, I'm sitting there wondering who in the heck this person could be, why a video would remind them of me, and why in the world would they be inclined to send it to him.
He tells me to check it out on the internet.
I watch a baby jabbering away nonstop at her father while she's strapped in a car seat. Dad sits beside her nodding his head and can't keep himself from laughing. The baby is darling. The father is so attentive and oozes love for his little girl. It was so heart warming that it took me awhile to realize that his intention was not for me to see it quite the way I was looking at it.
First of all, no one sent it to him. The thoughts in my head throughout this whole thing were being shot around like a pinball bouncing off one obstacle after another. WTF?
He was trying (I think) to show me how he saw me -- a baby jabbering, making no sense. I'm guessing what he was trying to say. I didn't ask because I was too befuddled to form a question, and that's when I realized how I've been feeling in this relationship. Pinged from one end of the earth to the next. Yes, I'm coming to Dallas. No, I'm not coming. Oops, I showed up anyway without telling you. Ping. Ping. Ping.
I'm discovering how difficult it is for me to be hit with all these different messages. It's unsettling. Why not just say what's on your mind? Don't make up stories. Don't show videos under false pretenses. Tell me, like you did, to stick with one subject, and then leave it at that. Tell me you got a link to a video that you thought illustrated how women talk and would I be interested in taking a look at something that was sweet, funny, and well yes, showed how women do talk without making much sense to men sometimes. I am aware of it, but please think about how you come across before acting upon something. Don't tell stories that are not true. You want to be a master? You want to be enlightened? You want to show how much growth you've had? Then be authentic.
Think before you say something. Think before you do something. And, please know that everything I say to you, I'm saying to myself. I do not like being lied to and having stories made up to screw with me. Do not tell me someone jumped you when they didn't just to see my reaction. I consider that not only unnecessary but mean. What purpose does that serve for you? What do you get out of that?
I'm learning what it is I really want in a relationship and here it is:
I want someone who would move mountains to be with me fully, someone who shows up ready to play full on, willing to explore me physically, emotionally, and spiritually and be that present for me to do the same with him.
Someone who is really available. Someone who opens up.
Someone who thinks of me often, and those thoughts make him smile.
Someone who considers what he can get me to show me that he is thinking of me and is aware of what I like.
Someone who listens because he's interested in what I have to say.
Someone who respects me, honors me, and loves me unconditionally.
I choose better for me. I choose wholeness and authenticity. I choose integrity from a man and in a man.
This is what I desire in a relationship with a man. This is what I desire to give back to a man. Everything I intend to receive from a man is what I choose freely to give to him. I've waited my whole life for this. I was born to love. I was born to open my heart and pour the love out. I was also born to have it reciprocated. That's the intention I breathe life into.
I intend a relationship with a man who can stand up fully and declare how he feels about me, not hide it. I intend a relationship with a man who can be so open and so caring, so compassionate without losing himself. A man that knows clearly who he is, relishes that, and acts easily upon that knowledge.
I desire a man who loves who he is so much that loves flows out of him so easily, a man who respects himself so much that he only gives the best of himself in every moment. And I know for a fact, I cannot have a man like that in my life until I become that myself. It begins with me. I am the one who needs to change. I am the one that needs to step up to the plate and demand more of myself, to be truly authentic and not play games. I am the pinball because I created that game for myself. I choose differently now. I choose the best of myself and for myself. I cannot ask something from another without being it first.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Just another day in the life...
I know why I live in McKinney, Texas. An abundance of reasons showed up yesterday, new ones added to my already long list.
Yesterday the weather here in McKinney was perfect, cool, nice breeze, just perfect for walking the square. There are many towns in Texas with the downtown shops and restaurants built around the courthouse. McKinney is different. The people here are different. The flavor is beyond compare. To walk around the square takes my daughter hours to do because she stops and talks to everyone. I mean everyone. Everyone knows her, and she knows everyone. This is her town. I don't know that I've ever felt like I had a town before. I never felt I belonged to the place where I lived. I was just visiting even if I lived there over twenty years. I could never call it home.
I've made great memories everywhere I've lived, but it hasn't been until moving to McKinney last fall that I felt like I came home. I have always had this strong connection to Aspen and probably always will. It's a soul place for me. A place where I have always gone to get renewed, and living in Boulder county, Colorado I needed renewing on a regular basis. Then moving to Steamboat Springs, Colorado, I would make my regular trek through Glenwood Canyon to my mecca called Aspen/Snowmass. During my last venture there close to a year ago after having dinner at Woody Creek Tavern, after having Reconnective Healing sessions with Lindsey Sandahl in Snowmass, after touring the Snowmass Village Mall during their weekend of green living last August, I felt something else. I felt it was time for me to go somewhere else to create experiences for different growth. It was time for me to move in an unfamiliar direction. So I did.
Two months later I moved to McKinney. Who moves from Colorado to Texas? Never in a million years would I have ever dreamt that I'd do something like that. I left Texas 34 years ago for the land of my dreams, and now I left paradise and moved to McKinney. McKinney may not have the mountains, but it has beauty beyond compare. It has its square and it has its people.
Yesterday I got my library card and checked out movies and a book. The book was on grace. It's called The Unmistakable Touch of Grace by Cheryl Richardson. I read the first two chapters while sitting on a bench in the square yesterday in front of Strada Verde, a boutique filled with clothes and accessories made from recycled or organic materials. I sell some of my purses there. Mary is the owner. She and I both graduated from University of Texas at Dallas. We both have degrees in English, and we both use our degrees every day that we speak our native language.
I sat outside and read and watched people walk around the square past the statue in front of the old courthouse which is now the McKinney Performing Arts Center. Beautiful old building renovated exquisitely. It's a treat to go to all the events there. Joyce runs the show. She's always decked out in the outfit and jewelry for the occasion. The last time I visited MPAC was for a fashion show that my daughter was in. She modeled clothes from True Rumors. I took pictures of her using my camera without fixing the red eye, so she looks like a creature from another planet, a gorgeous one, but still.
Yesterday I read about how the universe works for you all the time, and once you're conscious of it, it is an amazing magical unfolding of events. And that's exactly what happened again for me yesterday in the heart of downtown McKinney. My daughter and I went to Lavender House, a tea shop on the square, for lunch. Tony, who has no title on his business card, plopped down in a chair at the table beside ours and talked with us in between dealing with customers and employees. He ended up going back to my daughter's office with her and I sat outside Strada Verde to read.
Lavender House has a room furnished like a library. Every Friday and Saturday night there is live music while you sip your drinks and eat their special offerings. It's a dream come true to walk through there much less sit and enjoy drinks and music. This is another thing that's so special about McKinney. Every day and every night there's always something going on in the square to bring the people together. Friday and Saturday nights there's always so much going on that it's just nights of going from one event to the next to the next. There's always live music not only at the Lavender House, but at the Londoner, Rick's Chophouse (oh dear god, eat anything there!), and especially Cadillac Pizza Pub. Cadillac may be a dive, but the best local musicians play for us there.
That's where we ended up last night. Thursday at Cadillac's is open mic night. Buzz Andrews, my favorite singer to listen to and to look at (okay, him and Jason Mraz are tied for favorites), is a must see in McKinney. I've discovered that Buzz is not only a pretty face, but a savvy business person and apparently a high school coach beyond compare. Who knew? I just enjoyed looking at him while he sang and played. If you friend him on FB you'll be able to see his beautiful wife and get a feel for how much he adores her. To me, that makes him even more attractive. And last night another new friend got me one of Buzz's new t-shirts. It's pink with a buzzard on top of an electric guitar. "I've been buzzed" is written underneath. And believe me, being around Buzz for me is truly being buzzed.
All of this may sound rather mundane, ordinary, or a classic yawner. It's not a life of jet-setting around the world, blasting through corporate meetings, or rushing through big city highways, but it's a life of friends, of genuine warmth, and of great compassion. This little town, especially the microcosm of these four blocks sheltering the courthouse, has a pulsing heart of its own. Come with me sometime around the square. Meet the people, hug friends, embrace the laughter, and sip wine in the Lavender House library while the piano is played because you will never find the warmth, the open heartedness anywhere else like you will in McKinney's square.
And, by the way, through July 31st you can vote my daughter, Dr. Alyssa Summey, as the best chiropractor in McKinney at www.mckinneyliving.com. Don't forget Rick's as the best romantic Saturday night dinner. I know from experience. Sigh...
Yesterday the weather here in McKinney was perfect, cool, nice breeze, just perfect for walking the square. There are many towns in Texas with the downtown shops and restaurants built around the courthouse. McKinney is different. The people here are different. The flavor is beyond compare. To walk around the square takes my daughter hours to do because she stops and talks to everyone. I mean everyone. Everyone knows her, and she knows everyone. This is her town. I don't know that I've ever felt like I had a town before. I never felt I belonged to the place where I lived. I was just visiting even if I lived there over twenty years. I could never call it home.
I've made great memories everywhere I've lived, but it hasn't been until moving to McKinney last fall that I felt like I came home. I have always had this strong connection to Aspen and probably always will. It's a soul place for me. A place where I have always gone to get renewed, and living in Boulder county, Colorado I needed renewing on a regular basis. Then moving to Steamboat Springs, Colorado, I would make my regular trek through Glenwood Canyon to my mecca called Aspen/Snowmass. During my last venture there close to a year ago after having dinner at Woody Creek Tavern, after having Reconnective Healing sessions with Lindsey Sandahl in Snowmass, after touring the Snowmass Village Mall during their weekend of green living last August, I felt something else. I felt it was time for me to go somewhere else to create experiences for different growth. It was time for me to move in an unfamiliar direction. So I did.
Two months later I moved to McKinney. Who moves from Colorado to Texas? Never in a million years would I have ever dreamt that I'd do something like that. I left Texas 34 years ago for the land of my dreams, and now I left paradise and moved to McKinney. McKinney may not have the mountains, but it has beauty beyond compare. It has its square and it has its people.
Yesterday I got my library card and checked out movies and a book. The book was on grace. It's called The Unmistakable Touch of Grace by Cheryl Richardson. I read the first two chapters while sitting on a bench in the square yesterday in front of Strada Verde, a boutique filled with clothes and accessories made from recycled or organic materials. I sell some of my purses there. Mary is the owner. She and I both graduated from University of Texas at Dallas. We both have degrees in English, and we both use our degrees every day that we speak our native language.
I sat outside and read and watched people walk around the square past the statue in front of the old courthouse which is now the McKinney Performing Arts Center. Beautiful old building renovated exquisitely. It's a treat to go to all the events there. Joyce runs the show. She's always decked out in the outfit and jewelry for the occasion. The last time I visited MPAC was for a fashion show that my daughter was in. She modeled clothes from True Rumors. I took pictures of her using my camera without fixing the red eye, so she looks like a creature from another planet, a gorgeous one, but still.
Yesterday I read about how the universe works for you all the time, and once you're conscious of it, it is an amazing magical unfolding of events. And that's exactly what happened again for me yesterday in the heart of downtown McKinney. My daughter and I went to Lavender House, a tea shop on the square, for lunch. Tony, who has no title on his business card, plopped down in a chair at the table beside ours and talked with us in between dealing with customers and employees. He ended up going back to my daughter's office with her and I sat outside Strada Verde to read.
Lavender House has a room furnished like a library. Every Friday and Saturday night there is live music while you sip your drinks and eat their special offerings. It's a dream come true to walk through there much less sit and enjoy drinks and music. This is another thing that's so special about McKinney. Every day and every night there's always something going on in the square to bring the people together. Friday and Saturday nights there's always so much going on that it's just nights of going from one event to the next to the next. There's always live music not only at the Lavender House, but at the Londoner, Rick's Chophouse (oh dear god, eat anything there!), and especially Cadillac Pizza Pub. Cadillac may be a dive, but the best local musicians play for us there.
That's where we ended up last night. Thursday at Cadillac's is open mic night. Buzz Andrews, my favorite singer to listen to and to look at (okay, him and Jason Mraz are tied for favorites), is a must see in McKinney. I've discovered that Buzz is not only a pretty face, but a savvy business person and apparently a high school coach beyond compare. Who knew? I just enjoyed looking at him while he sang and played. If you friend him on FB you'll be able to see his beautiful wife and get a feel for how much he adores her. To me, that makes him even more attractive. And last night another new friend got me one of Buzz's new t-shirts. It's pink with a buzzard on top of an electric guitar. "I've been buzzed" is written underneath. And believe me, being around Buzz for me is truly being buzzed.
All of this may sound rather mundane, ordinary, or a classic yawner. It's not a life of jet-setting around the world, blasting through corporate meetings, or rushing through big city highways, but it's a life of friends, of genuine warmth, and of great compassion. This little town, especially the microcosm of these four blocks sheltering the courthouse, has a pulsing heart of its own. Come with me sometime around the square. Meet the people, hug friends, embrace the laughter, and sip wine in the Lavender House library while the piano is played because you will never find the warmth, the open heartedness anywhere else like you will in McKinney's square.
And, by the way, through July 31st you can vote my daughter, Dr. Alyssa Summey, as the best chiropractor in McKinney at www.mckinneyliving.com. Don't forget Rick's as the best romantic Saturday night dinner. I know from experience. Sigh...
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Who Knew???
First of all, if you haven't heard by now, I've been around the block a time or two, so here I go talking about something that "should" be resolved by now, but for some reason there's bits hanging on. I must think they're necessary for some reason because I create my own reality, so therefore I'm insistent on them being here. Oh, lovely...
Isn't it just a trip to be so "enlightened"? Great.
So, I went to bed the other night without a means in my little head of how to take care of some bills that were surfacing. Yesterday morning when I awoke, I had a list of things I was going to do come hell or high water because damn it I am the dreamer of my own dreams, and I'm dreaming a world of abundance and love and just being adored by a wonderful man and money dripping out of my pockets and...
Well, here's what happened instead. The next morning I ended up on the phone for 2 1/2 hours with someone about doing business together. I was so jazzed by what was being birthed that I had chills running up and down my spine. I couldn't sit still. I paced while I talked and listened. I was jumping and screaming silently because I knew -- I mean I really KNEW -- that the Universe was conspiring for me. I could feel this amazing energy spiral around me enveloping me in this wonderful cloak of peace. I felt this as if it were a piece of clothing. This was a garment of knowing who I really am. I could see how I drew this experience into me and at that moment I relished in the creation of it all.
The person I was talking to, DeDe Murcer Moffett, has an internet radio show that I had listened to the day before, and I got "hits", as I call them, to contact her about what I was doing to see if there could be a collaboration together and to see if she wanted to interview two beautifully gifted people God put on this planet: Bee Herz, psychic medium, and Rob Wergin, shaman, both from Steamboat Springs, CO.
This conversation opened up amazing avenues of possibilities. I'm still reeling from it all. It also led to another exchange between Bee and me that opened up a door that excites me to no end.
Here's the thing: there was no way in the world I could've figured any of this out. I just went to bed clueless, but open to the magic of the universe. I trusted that I would be given new possibilites, and when I awoke the next morning, they were ushered through my door. Another friend called me and asked if I'd help her with a few catering jobs for some quick cash, and I jumped at the chance because I'm just telling you, I have a blast catering. Who knew? I've been known to be really lousy in the kitchen, but I'm very good at serving people. It pleases me. It fills me up when people feel good about their experiences they've shared with me. I love it.
Now, I'm just putting it out to the Universe to create a way to warp time so that I get all these things done peacefully, that the circumstances arrive in a way that I flow downstream easily as all this magic unfolds. These opportunities are filled with magic. They are miraculous. I stand back in awe of what the Universe has delivered. And now I know that the best thing I can do for myself is get out of my own way. My friggin' ego puts restraints on me that feel lousy, to say the least. I'm tired of playing so small. I am this amazing spiritual unlimited being with so much to give and so much to be. It's now time for me to play this game of life full on. The universe has delivered not only the opportunities, but the beautiful people to join me.
I am grateful.
I am thrilled.
And, I am feeling the love.
Isn't it just a trip to be so "enlightened"? Great.
So, I went to bed the other night without a means in my little head of how to take care of some bills that were surfacing. Yesterday morning when I awoke, I had a list of things I was going to do come hell or high water because damn it I am the dreamer of my own dreams, and I'm dreaming a world of abundance and love and just being adored by a wonderful man and money dripping out of my pockets and...
Well, here's what happened instead. The next morning I ended up on the phone for 2 1/2 hours with someone about doing business together. I was so jazzed by what was being birthed that I had chills running up and down my spine. I couldn't sit still. I paced while I talked and listened. I was jumping and screaming silently because I knew -- I mean I really KNEW -- that the Universe was conspiring for me. I could feel this amazing energy spiral around me enveloping me in this wonderful cloak of peace. I felt this as if it were a piece of clothing. This was a garment of knowing who I really am. I could see how I drew this experience into me and at that moment I relished in the creation of it all.
The person I was talking to, DeDe Murcer Moffett, has an internet radio show that I had listened to the day before, and I got "hits", as I call them, to contact her about what I was doing to see if there could be a collaboration together and to see if she wanted to interview two beautifully gifted people God put on this planet: Bee Herz, psychic medium, and Rob Wergin, shaman, both from Steamboat Springs, CO.
This conversation opened up amazing avenues of possibilities. I'm still reeling from it all. It also led to another exchange between Bee and me that opened up a door that excites me to no end.
Here's the thing: there was no way in the world I could've figured any of this out. I just went to bed clueless, but open to the magic of the universe. I trusted that I would be given new possibilites, and when I awoke the next morning, they were ushered through my door. Another friend called me and asked if I'd help her with a few catering jobs for some quick cash, and I jumped at the chance because I'm just telling you, I have a blast catering. Who knew? I've been known to be really lousy in the kitchen, but I'm very good at serving people. It pleases me. It fills me up when people feel good about their experiences they've shared with me. I love it.
Now, I'm just putting it out to the Universe to create a way to warp time so that I get all these things done peacefully, that the circumstances arrive in a way that I flow downstream easily as all this magic unfolds. These opportunities are filled with magic. They are miraculous. I stand back in awe of what the Universe has delivered. And now I know that the best thing I can do for myself is get out of my own way. My friggin' ego puts restraints on me that feel lousy, to say the least. I'm tired of playing so small. I am this amazing spiritual unlimited being with so much to give and so much to be. It's now time for me to play this game of life full on. The universe has delivered not only the opportunities, but the beautiful people to join me.
I am grateful.
I am thrilled.
And, I am feeling the love.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Happy June!
What a difference a day makes. Also, what a difference a phone call makes.
Coming out from the other side of the dark night of the soul has been refreshing and brand new, to say the least. It's as if the windshield wipers have not only cleaned the windshield so perfectly, but they're not needed anymore because the rain has gone. Everything smells fresh and clean and invigorating. Ah...the cleansing of the unnecessary. Nonessentials, James Arthur Ray calls them. It's interesting because I didn't know that what I was purging was still lingering from a marriage.
I listened to Bruce Lipton's radio interview last night and he talked about the subconconscious (or unconscious, as James calls it) being the one living out the old patterns unbeknownst to our conscious minds. Lovely, really. No wonder relationships of any kind are so interesting. We're acting on habits from our unconscious and totally unaware consciously, and amazed when those around us respond to those unconscious behaviour patterns that we display. Sound confusing? Listen to Bruce Lipton. Apparently, he's also on lots of YouTube videos. I plan on taking a longer look at this guy's theories. He's coming out with a new book this fall called Spontaneous Evolution. Can't wait. This really isn't anything James hasn't taught, but it was interesting to hear someone else's take on it. It was a great refresher course.
What I'm discovering as I emerge from this tunnel I dropped myself into is that the universe provides for me all the right people and circumstances at the right time every time. It has been my inability to let go and truly trust that I'm so provided for in every way. I feel my hands being clenched, hanging on for dear life. And it's when I let go (usually from being too tired from holding so tightly), that the miracles surface.
Here's craziness factor number 2,567,985. This one took me so far down the tunnel I couldn't see light if I tried. Why? Because I didn't trust. I didn't let go. And for the life of me, I didn't know I was taken care of. But, I'm going to tell you anyway.
This amazing man that I call Sam from Seattle, told me last Friday afternoon to call him when I got home so that we could work on my computer together. Right? Simple?
So, I did.
He didn't call me back until Sunday evening. In the meantime, I plummeted down this tunnel with numerous thoughts of "he doesn't want me in his life" to "something's happened to him" to so much more stupidity. Sunday evening he calls me to let me know that he never received my message until just then. He called me right away to let me know, so in the meantime I'm thinking he wants time away from me, and...oh god, it's too stupid to continue. I feel like I was still in high school. Those crazy unconscious behavior patterns echoed through the tunnel with ease. What the hell? How old am I? How evolved am I? Put me in a relationship with a man that I'm in love with and out goes all the enlightenment I've ever progressed towards. Is this what James means by a quantum leap? I doubt it. I think he's talking about leaping forward not plummeting backwards into the depths of despair.
That was also an old behavior pattern from the ex too. So, with "Sam" I'm learning what has still been lingering that I no longer want. What a great lesson. What an amazing journey we're taking together. I am so grateful.
Now, it's a new month, a new day, a new beginning. Time to move forward into the things I truly do want in my life. "Sam" told me to get a vision board and put my intentions on it. What a great way to begin again. It's time now for me to focus on what I really do desire in my life. The latest layer of muck has been washed off and now it's time to restart my engines and enjoy the new ride.
To all those who have come into my life lately and been there for me, thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Susan, I'll be thinking about you while you heal that arm, girlfriend! Thank you for your kind words and your tender love. I appreciate it more than you know.
Bee Herz (psychic medium from Steamboat Springs), my dear, wonderful friend, thank you for being there for me. It was so great to talk with you and to just spread the love with you. Let's not wait so long to do it again.
Myles, what a beautiful light you are in my life. I look forward to traveling the world with you sometime. Australia is definitely going to be on my vision board. In the meantime, I love sharing life stories with you.
Cynthia, ahh... You are a breath of fresh air to me. You are a beautiful mirror to me. This journey we're on is so much more fun with you beside me. I am so grateful.
And to Sam from Seattle, there are no words. You know how I feel. My cup runneth over...
Coming out from the other side of the dark night of the soul has been refreshing and brand new, to say the least. It's as if the windshield wipers have not only cleaned the windshield so perfectly, but they're not needed anymore because the rain has gone. Everything smells fresh and clean and invigorating. Ah...the cleansing of the unnecessary. Nonessentials, James Arthur Ray calls them. It's interesting because I didn't know that what I was purging was still lingering from a marriage.
I listened to Bruce Lipton's radio interview last night and he talked about the subconconscious (or unconscious, as James calls it) being the one living out the old patterns unbeknownst to our conscious minds. Lovely, really. No wonder relationships of any kind are so interesting. We're acting on habits from our unconscious and totally unaware consciously, and amazed when those around us respond to those unconscious behaviour patterns that we display. Sound confusing? Listen to Bruce Lipton. Apparently, he's also on lots of YouTube videos. I plan on taking a longer look at this guy's theories. He's coming out with a new book this fall called Spontaneous Evolution. Can't wait. This really isn't anything James hasn't taught, but it was interesting to hear someone else's take on it. It was a great refresher course.
What I'm discovering as I emerge from this tunnel I dropped myself into is that the universe provides for me all the right people and circumstances at the right time every time. It has been my inability to let go and truly trust that I'm so provided for in every way. I feel my hands being clenched, hanging on for dear life. And it's when I let go (usually from being too tired from holding so tightly), that the miracles surface.
Here's craziness factor number 2,567,985. This one took me so far down the tunnel I couldn't see light if I tried. Why? Because I didn't trust. I didn't let go. And for the life of me, I didn't know I was taken care of. But, I'm going to tell you anyway.
This amazing man that I call Sam from Seattle, told me last Friday afternoon to call him when I got home so that we could work on my computer together. Right? Simple?
So, I did.
He didn't call me back until Sunday evening. In the meantime, I plummeted down this tunnel with numerous thoughts of "he doesn't want me in his life" to "something's happened to him" to so much more stupidity. Sunday evening he calls me to let me know that he never received my message until just then. He called me right away to let me know, so in the meantime I'm thinking he wants time away from me, and...oh god, it's too stupid to continue. I feel like I was still in high school. Those crazy unconscious behavior patterns echoed through the tunnel with ease. What the hell? How old am I? How evolved am I? Put me in a relationship with a man that I'm in love with and out goes all the enlightenment I've ever progressed towards. Is this what James means by a quantum leap? I doubt it. I think he's talking about leaping forward not plummeting backwards into the depths of despair.
That was also an old behavior pattern from the ex too. So, with "Sam" I'm learning what has still been lingering that I no longer want. What a great lesson. What an amazing journey we're taking together. I am so grateful.
Now, it's a new month, a new day, a new beginning. Time to move forward into the things I truly do want in my life. "Sam" told me to get a vision board and put my intentions on it. What a great way to begin again. It's time now for me to focus on what I really do desire in my life. The latest layer of muck has been washed off and now it's time to restart my engines and enjoy the new ride.
To all those who have come into my life lately and been there for me, thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Susan, I'll be thinking about you while you heal that arm, girlfriend! Thank you for your kind words and your tender love. I appreciate it more than you know.
Bee Herz (psychic medium from Steamboat Springs), my dear, wonderful friend, thank you for being there for me. It was so great to talk with you and to just spread the love with you. Let's not wait so long to do it again.
Myles, what a beautiful light you are in my life. I look forward to traveling the world with you sometime. Australia is definitely going to be on my vision board. In the meantime, I love sharing life stories with you.
Cynthia, ahh... You are a breath of fresh air to me. You are a beautiful mirror to me. This journey we're on is so much more fun with you beside me. I am so grateful.
And to Sam from Seattle, there are no words. You know how I feel. My cup runneth over...
Saturday, May 30, 2009
To excavating -- may they be fewer and less painful
I have been known to be a master at many things, but lately it's been the mastery of self-excavation that I've buried myself in. And this has been excruciatingly painful. Some people may call it the dark night of the soul, but let me just say it's been a whole lot longer than a night.
For those who don't know, I ended a 32 year relationship a couple of years ago. Thinking that I was cool, wonderful, ready to move on, etc. I did just that. I moved to another town and began what I called at that time different relationships with different men. What I know now is that I had many one-night stands with the same men over and over because it never went deeper than that. There were no self-excavations or self-examinations, for that matter.
However, I've formed a relationship with a man that has been different from anything I've experienced before. We chose to be honest with each other, to be in integrity with each other, and those intentions have set in motion this time bomb within me that just exploded. As James Arthur Ray says, "What's suppressed will be expressed at a later date in uglier ways." I know for a fact that it is not only true, but a huge understatement.
Let's just call this man Sam from Seattle. Sam was only trying to help me with my computer, installing anti-viral computer software that he had given my daughter and me to protect both our computers. I tried to install it with no luck. My daughter attempts it. Again, with no chance in hell of it working, and for some reason, when he calls me to see if we'd gotten it installed, I chose to jump into an old pattern so quickly that I didn't know what hit me. Beautiful, wonderful Sam turned into the ex who used to wag his finger at me, raising his voice, and making it clear to anyone in shouting distance that I was pretty much nothing more than stupid.
What? Where did my sanity go? How I could've switched from one reality to another so quickly is still a mystery to me, but somehow I flew into craziness and set up shop as its mayor, because for the past few days, I have been out of my mind creating scenarios that only someone who needs to be put away would come up with.
Why?
Because someone whom I love very much said something benign to me that sent me down this rabbit hole of remembering the verbal outbursts I had experienced with an ex. At first, I would take the ex's words in as truth, learning that I wasn't worth shit, that it was okay to belittle me, to interrogate me, and to chastise me. I showed this man that my self-worth was nowhere to be found and apparently it was okay to shit on me any chance he got. Then I learned to wrap those words around me for protection. I didn't let anyone else in. I formed what I had called relationships with men doing whatever it took to please them, convinced that would entice them to love me. I never went into deep conversations with them. It just became about sex pretty quickly in every situation so that I could keep my mouth busy without having to talk. I thought I had grown so much after leaving the ex, and I did, but the growth that really matters is just now coming out into the open.
And it hurts.
Badly.
This dear, sweet man that I truly love has been allowed in. He's been allowed into my world that I had even hidden from myself. And when he came in, the ugliness that I had been hiding for most of my life surfaced. The inability to truly treasure myself and to know my self-worth rushed to the forefront with such urgency, it left me gasping for air. I'm just now breathing, and it's days later.
Every loud word, ugly accusation, etc. that I endured jetted forward, oozing out of every cell in my body. Not only do I hurt from head to toe, but my throat feels like it has been burned by hot lava that spewed from the volcanic eruption that started in the pit of my stomach. An amazing friend called me tonight "out of the blue" and she began coughing until she couldn't speak. Before losing her ability to talk, she let me know that before that moment she was having no issues with her throat at all. Amazingly, she felt the choking and fire that I was experiencing. Now, that was remarkable. I was in awe of how I saw first hand, that we truly are one.
This whole experience has been a true testament to the magnificence of the workings of the universe. Here I thought I was dripping in evolvement and enlightenment. After all, I'd been working with a shaman for years, and lately working with James Arthur Ray. I'd been reading spiritual books, and absorbing everything possible that I felt led me down the path of higher vibrational living. I just knew I had my shit together.
And then -- WHAM!
I've been expelling shit for days now.
I found my ipod and have been listening to a psychic reading I had a year ago. She (the psychic) says that there will be an amazing being that shows up in my life, someone who has "the genius code and lives the mastery that he is." And then she says that I must be that person myself to attract this man. Well, I did have moments of that mastery until remnants of who I was smacked me upside the head with the memories of verbal abuse. Verbal abuse, my daughter reminded me, that I had allowed to occur. I had taught her dad how to treat me. And she is absolutely right. I taught another human being to shit on me because that was the only treatment I thought I was worthy of back then. Now, I know I'm worthy of so much more, and as this new man showers me with his affection in the form of fixing my computer, I retreat into a fetal position. Hm...makes so much sense, does it not? Where did I get this formula for success? I'm thinking my parents wasted a lot of money on my education.
So now, I'm digging myself out of this hole I buried myself into a few days ago. I'm watching the perfection of the universe show up as beautiful beings come to my aid with kind words, loving gestures, and today, a beautiful man singing to me outside about how wonderful I look tonight. How amazing is all of this? I've had extraordinary phone calls today from people I haven't talked to in a while. C'mon, a singer sings outside of a bistro to me and my daughter as people walked by. What a completely perfect day.
So, thank you, Universe! Thank you, Buzz, for the wonderful song, and to let you know it does not take tequila for me to see how beautiful you are.
Thank you, Mindie, for the truly over the top conversation today.
Cathy, thank you for the healing you offered me. It was so heartfelt and incredibly kind. And, to Emily for her sweet phone call to let me know you're all right.
Alyssa, thank you for always being there for me and certainly putting up with my craziness. You are the best that has ever happened to me!
And lastly, to this kind man who was only trying to help me, thank you for the help you really gave me. I am becoming brand new, and whatever that means for us, I am grateful. If there is an us -- cool, and if there's not, that's cool too. I only wish you the best of everything, whatever that happens to be and whoever that happens to be with. In any case, I'm grateful to you for triggering this journey I've taken to excavate the things in me that no longer serve me. When the excavation is over, the beauty that remains is going to be beyond compare. I can't wait to see what it is.
For those who don't know, I ended a 32 year relationship a couple of years ago. Thinking that I was cool, wonderful, ready to move on, etc. I did just that. I moved to another town and began what I called at that time different relationships with different men. What I know now is that I had many one-night stands with the same men over and over because it never went deeper than that. There were no self-excavations or self-examinations, for that matter.
However, I've formed a relationship with a man that has been different from anything I've experienced before. We chose to be honest with each other, to be in integrity with each other, and those intentions have set in motion this time bomb within me that just exploded. As James Arthur Ray says, "What's suppressed will be expressed at a later date in uglier ways." I know for a fact that it is not only true, but a huge understatement.
Let's just call this man Sam from Seattle. Sam was only trying to help me with my computer, installing anti-viral computer software that he had given my daughter and me to protect both our computers. I tried to install it with no luck. My daughter attempts it. Again, with no chance in hell of it working, and for some reason, when he calls me to see if we'd gotten it installed, I chose to jump into an old pattern so quickly that I didn't know what hit me. Beautiful, wonderful Sam turned into the ex who used to wag his finger at me, raising his voice, and making it clear to anyone in shouting distance that I was pretty much nothing more than stupid.
What? Where did my sanity go? How I could've switched from one reality to another so quickly is still a mystery to me, but somehow I flew into craziness and set up shop as its mayor, because for the past few days, I have been out of my mind creating scenarios that only someone who needs to be put away would come up with.
Why?
Because someone whom I love very much said something benign to me that sent me down this rabbit hole of remembering the verbal outbursts I had experienced with an ex. At first, I would take the ex's words in as truth, learning that I wasn't worth shit, that it was okay to belittle me, to interrogate me, and to chastise me. I showed this man that my self-worth was nowhere to be found and apparently it was okay to shit on me any chance he got. Then I learned to wrap those words around me for protection. I didn't let anyone else in. I formed what I had called relationships with men doing whatever it took to please them, convinced that would entice them to love me. I never went into deep conversations with them. It just became about sex pretty quickly in every situation so that I could keep my mouth busy without having to talk. I thought I had grown so much after leaving the ex, and I did, but the growth that really matters is just now coming out into the open.
And it hurts.
Badly.
This dear, sweet man that I truly love has been allowed in. He's been allowed into my world that I had even hidden from myself. And when he came in, the ugliness that I had been hiding for most of my life surfaced. The inability to truly treasure myself and to know my self-worth rushed to the forefront with such urgency, it left me gasping for air. I'm just now breathing, and it's days later.
Every loud word, ugly accusation, etc. that I endured jetted forward, oozing out of every cell in my body. Not only do I hurt from head to toe, but my throat feels like it has been burned by hot lava that spewed from the volcanic eruption that started in the pit of my stomach. An amazing friend called me tonight "out of the blue" and she began coughing until she couldn't speak. Before losing her ability to talk, she let me know that before that moment she was having no issues with her throat at all. Amazingly, she felt the choking and fire that I was experiencing. Now, that was remarkable. I was in awe of how I saw first hand, that we truly are one.
This whole experience has been a true testament to the magnificence of the workings of the universe. Here I thought I was dripping in evolvement and enlightenment. After all, I'd been working with a shaman for years, and lately working with James Arthur Ray. I'd been reading spiritual books, and absorbing everything possible that I felt led me down the path of higher vibrational living. I just knew I had my shit together.
And then -- WHAM!
I've been expelling shit for days now.
I found my ipod and have been listening to a psychic reading I had a year ago. She (the psychic) says that there will be an amazing being that shows up in my life, someone who has "the genius code and lives the mastery that he is." And then she says that I must be that person myself to attract this man. Well, I did have moments of that mastery until remnants of who I was smacked me upside the head with the memories of verbal abuse. Verbal abuse, my daughter reminded me, that I had allowed to occur. I had taught her dad how to treat me. And she is absolutely right. I taught another human being to shit on me because that was the only treatment I thought I was worthy of back then. Now, I know I'm worthy of so much more, and as this new man showers me with his affection in the form of fixing my computer, I retreat into a fetal position. Hm...makes so much sense, does it not? Where did I get this formula for success? I'm thinking my parents wasted a lot of money on my education.
So now, I'm digging myself out of this hole I buried myself into a few days ago. I'm watching the perfection of the universe show up as beautiful beings come to my aid with kind words, loving gestures, and today, a beautiful man singing to me outside about how wonderful I look tonight. How amazing is all of this? I've had extraordinary phone calls today from people I haven't talked to in a while. C'mon, a singer sings outside of a bistro to me and my daughter as people walked by. What a completely perfect day.
So, thank you, Universe! Thank you, Buzz, for the wonderful song, and to let you know it does not take tequila for me to see how beautiful you are.
Thank you, Mindie, for the truly over the top conversation today.
Cathy, thank you for the healing you offered me. It was so heartfelt and incredibly kind. And, to Emily for her sweet phone call to let me know you're all right.
Alyssa, thank you for always being there for me and certainly putting up with my craziness. You are the best that has ever happened to me!
And lastly, to this kind man who was only trying to help me, thank you for the help you really gave me. I am becoming brand new, and whatever that means for us, I am grateful. If there is an us -- cool, and if there's not, that's cool too. I only wish you the best of everything, whatever that happens to be and whoever that happens to be with. In any case, I'm grateful to you for triggering this journey I've taken to excavate the things in me that no longer serve me. When the excavation is over, the beauty that remains is going to be beyond compare. I can't wait to see what it is.
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