emerging

I awoke this morning in the midst of one of the most extraordinary dreams of my life, and it involved a mammoth butterfly. I saw it as separate from me, and also saw it as me. I ventured upon a site just now that gave me some insight into the symbolism.

It’s connection with the soul is rather fitting. We are all on a long journey of the soul. On this journey we encounter endless turns, shifts, and conditions that cause us to morph into ever-finer beings. At our soul-journey’s end we are inevitably changed – not at all the same as when we started on the path.


To take this analogy a step further, we can look again to the grace and eloquence of the butterfly and realize that our journey is our only guarantee. Our responsibility to make our way in faith, accept the change that comes, and emerge from our transitions as brilliantly as the butterfly.

Avia Venefica, the author of this site also talks about how the butterfly's metamorphosis is only one month long, and if we humans changed that drastically in one month where we are no longer recognizable to what we once were, what an amazing transition. Yet, this is just what I feel I've gone through. Yeah, there's still some remnants of the old Jill hanging around, but mostly it's this new being that I don't even recognize. I asked for this, I tell myself daily. I asked for this. I wanted to show up in this world as I really am, so here it is. My only responsibility is to make my way in faith, accept the change that comes, and emerge from my transitions as brilliantly as the butterfly.

Well now, Avia sure wrote those words simply and beautifuly enough, and now to live it. Now to live in total faith without questioning, without the mental chatter, to be able to awake in the morning with total peace knowing that whatever happens is exactly as it should be without any of the fretting and stress.

Acceptance and emergence... hm, I watched that butterfly in my dreams fly effortlessly, landing on tree limbs and watching me. And then I became the butterfly that was able to fly just as effortlessly. It was as if my vision shifted from the spectator to the participant. Just like that. Poof! I went from the one watching the transformation to the one being transformed. I emerged as the butterfly, and was tethered to nothing. I flew freely with no cares in the world. Acceptance and emergence...

What if that's all there is to do? Become the butterfly? Transform from the observer to the participant and back to the observer whenever I want? What if that's the only transition there really is? Being able to watch myself in a movie and then being able to play that actor, and then presto! back to the viewer...

When I was going through past-life regression sessions, and it would get too difficult for me to be in those past lives, my shaman would whisk me into the watching of the movie instead of being in the movie. I was able to see what happened to me without any emotion. I was able to see what had happened and learn from it instead of getting caught up in it. It had no charge for me. It just was an incident, and I could look at it. I could study it as I would have a history book for an exam. What did I learn from this? Who was the one speaking? Where was this taking me? All these questions could be answered easily without any triggers to my emotions. I was calm as I watched myself being murdered because I was not dying. I learned I couldn't die. I was transformed. I could fly above it all and watch the men sweating while they chopped at me with their weapons. I could only laugh. I was fine. I had no pain. They were the ones struggling. They were the ones in pain. They were the ones who were blinded by their beliefs. I flew above them and laughed at their silliness.

I feel I've been led to believe so much in this life that is false. It seems to me that just about everything has been an illusion. Every day more and more gets stripped, and what is real is exposed. As Tom Crum taught me, I'm dancing on shifting carpet. What is real? What is really behind that curtain?

It seems senseless to me to get caught up in anything right now. What other people think, what they want from me... it's all just noise in my head. I obliterate it and emerge.