where I belong

I've made one of the most amazing discoveries of my life just now while talking things over with Tammy. I just love when that happens!


When living in Steamboat Springs, CO I did some breathwork where I had continuing visions of the same lifetime. They all centered around having a love affair with an Indian warrior who was eventually killed in battle, and I held him as he died. The experiences of each session were unbelievably real and the last where he died was excrutiatingly painful. The facilitator told me after that one, that it was okay for me to love. It was now safe to open my heart. Well, that was December of 2007, and yesterday, October 9, 2010, I finally let that happen. I finally opened my heart and felt love so encompassing, that it was not only for the man I was with but for all.

The most beautiful part of it was that the man looking down at me was Native American with long gray hair. It occurred to me today what that heart opening was really about. I was now making love with another native, and this time he was older with gray hair unlike the young lover I had lost. The man I was with yesterday had already grown past the age of the one who died. It closed the gap between the young love lost and the older man I opened my heart to.

I felt so safe to love him, to open my heart so easily that the waves of energy between the two of us was palpable. It encompassed the two of us, and took us to a place I'd never been before. It felt to me as if my soul had taken over, and shoved my thoughts and ego out of the way. It certainly felt like something so much bigger than me was in charge. I felt myself open up and all needless stuff that once rode along for the ride was sloughed off. The real me emerged, and for the first time in lifetimes it seemed, I was fully able to experience this pure love for all that is.

I'm not saying that this man did this for me. He couldn't have. It was within me, and I allowed the experience with this man to draw it out. I allowed myself to open so fully that the useless parts disintegrated, and only the love remained because that's all we are. That's all there really is. We are love, and we allow crazy to take over our thoughts. What was even more extraordinary was a peaceful feeling that came over me when we were done. I wish there was a word(s) that could really describe that feeling I'm talking about. It is a peace so profound that no matter what's going on in my world, I am calm. I feel love for all that's around me trying to create chaos, and it's as if I'm watching a movie. I have no emotion tied up in people's reactions. I watch them with total detachment knowing that what is real is the peace I am.

I truly wish I could describe this experience so well that you could feel what I've been feeling because I know it's our natural state. I know this is where I belong -- in the land of peace, and I know I don't need another person to get me in that state. I am all that. I am peace.

I don't know where we're going, this man and I. I don't even pretend to know that I'll even see him again. I just know that what we shared and how I felt is what I'm taking with me wherever it is I go. It's where I belong.