While I sit in front of the windows I see the amazing plants outside. I don't know the names of any of them because I haven't taken the time yet to really get to know this place called Taos. One of my neighbors is a Taos history buff, and listening to him makes me want to go to the library and absorb everything I can find on Taos. This town was built on, by, and with very courageous and powerful women, women who chose to live life differently, no matter what the cost. I don't know how courageous or powerful I am but I certainly feel like I live my life differently than the majority.
The heads of the bushes outside the window right in front of me look like bouffant hairdos on little old ladies. I would love to trim them and dip them into a can of shellac and hang to dry. Their stems are so tiny and fragile, and yet the blossoms are large and bushy. I watch them wave in the wind, and am amazed at how easily those tiny stems hold up such massive heads.
They dance in the breeze with such grace. They swing in unison like the Rockettes. They look as if they're nodding yes to me, and I don't even know what question they seem to be answering. Yes! Just yes.
Yes is my new word. I say yes often. I say yes to the next possibility and the next one and the next one. I just keep saying yes, and the possibilities become profound. I've learned to dance on shifting carpet, as my friend Tom Crum taught me. I've learned that the path I'm to be on just took a sharp detour into the dark woods, and god only knows what's on the other side. I take it anyway.
I have deliberately and consciously chosen to lead from my heart, and I've learned to stop questioning where it leads. Instead, I just jump on that train and hang on for the ride. I always seem to know when to jump off and pick up another one.
I don't feel anything is permanent in my life. I don't believe in "death us do part." My life turns on a dime, and what I'm seeing is how much the new train rides are taking me down tracks I've been on before, but this time I'm riding with more knowledge, wisdom, and compassion. I may have the same name but I'm not even close to being the same person.
I'm back to sewing like a fiend again. I came to Taos without any supplies or machines, and lo and behold, I have access to three machines, a beautiful working gallery, and loads of fabrics. Hm... Didn't I get off at that station once before? The difference this times is the depth of my imagination and creativity. I seem to have opened myself up in a way that helps me see how I can turn just about anything into something that can be worn or used. The reactions I get from people who see my work astound me. I'm realizing that they've never seen this kind of work before. This town is full of artists, and yet it seems I've brought something to town that's very different than what's shown up before.
Well, it certainly amazes me when I'm done with a piece, and what I'm noticing is that it's not just me doing it. There are several people involved. For instance, yesterday while working in the store, I had torn strips of silk, knotted them, and then braided them together. I had also gathered circles of them into flowers. While I was twisting the braided pieces together a young customer came in, looked at it, and said, "Oh, that's a fabric necklace!"
Well, it was news to me, but that's exactly what it turned into. When I showed it to others after I'd finished sewing the flowers and buttons onto it, it really was a fabric necklace like nothing any of us had seen before. I am not alone in this venture. This is community. I have a bag of silk scraps from Katie. My dresser is filled with dried twigs, cactus pods, and sage from the mountains. I have a mica pot from Taos Pueblo clay for its magic to fill the room. And, best of all, I have a pile of Dan's tie-dyed t-shirts sitting beside me on the bed. I know just what I want to do with them as soon as I get to the gallery today. I designed a skirt from knit designer fabric swatches while I lived in McKinney, and now I want to cut up the t-shirts to make more. Put primary colored thread in the serger and off I go. It's taking me so long to type this because I keep stopping and visualizing those skirts. Some of the shirts have holes in them, and I want to zigzag stitch the holes in wild-colored threads to add even more texture. The pictures in my head are making my heart beat faster. With the scraps left over I want to try my hand at more fabric necklaces and belts.
Okay, okay.... I've gotta go. I have to get to town so I can cut up some t-shirts.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
living the vision
"What really sets the twin soul union apart from all the rest is the profound degree of completeness experienced and the overwhelming sense of spirituality unique to them. Twins want to serve in some meaningful way. There is also a very sacred sense of intimacy and feeling of divinely inspired wholeness that one finds in a twin soul relationship. It is not by accident nor is it without purpose." -- http://star.goddess.tripod.com/
Whether or not you believe in twin flames/souls is not the point of this excerpt. The reason I keep looking this information up is because I keep getting messages about this very thing usually when I would love to be sleeping.
Last night/morning I saw "movies" of what could be my life. And it wasn't the first time I saw these pictures. The difference last night was that I saw the face of the man that has been in my dreams/visions for years. And this time I didn't run screaming from my bed when I saw what I've seen for awhile now. I saw myself working with a man that I dearly love. I saw our work unfold as if it held magic. It transformed those who wore what we made. I was told by an intuitive years ago that I would make twin flame garments with my twin flame.
First of all, I was pretty skeptical of that terminology. After the relationship experiences I have had, there was no way I was getting sucked up into another business with someone I slept with. I was wanting to run for cover. I never really believed in the whole twin flame thing, just something made up to put labels on certain relationships.
Then along came Dan. Well, that turned this skeptic upside down. The reason I started looking at the twin flame information was because there were things happening between the two of us that I had never experienced before. There were a lot of things. The first one being that I got knocked on my ass when someone tried to ask me out, and the first thing I saw when I "got away" was Dan and me together in New York. That became a wtf? kinda day. I realized for the first time that I was no longer in charge of what transpires. There was something so much bigger than me that took over, and still does. Like last night when I saw Dan and me working together. What was fascinating to me was the ability we had to flow together. There was this seamlesness between us. There was little need for words, and the happiness in that room was astounding. There were moments when I couldn't tell if I was looking at his hands or mine. There was this sense of complete oneness that I'd never felt before. It sounds so trite to write it like that, and it is anything but trite. It was so real, so magnificent, and so very, very right.
It seems like I spent most of the night awake in this vision-like state, watching us live together, play together, and work together. I surrendered my all to him as he did to me, and it was the most pure joy, vibrancy, and ecstasy I've ever encountered.
I cannot wait to create what I saw us making together. I awoke this morning not tired at all, but rejuvenated and raring to get to the gallery and sit at the sewing machine. But first, I'm at the store, and if Dan's box arrives at home while I'm not there, I will move mountains to get to it.
Whether or not you believe in twin flames/souls is not the point of this excerpt. The reason I keep looking this information up is because I keep getting messages about this very thing usually when I would love to be sleeping.
Last night/morning I saw "movies" of what could be my life. And it wasn't the first time I saw these pictures. The difference last night was that I saw the face of the man that has been in my dreams/visions for years. And this time I didn't run screaming from my bed when I saw what I've seen for awhile now. I saw myself working with a man that I dearly love. I saw our work unfold as if it held magic. It transformed those who wore what we made. I was told by an intuitive years ago that I would make twin flame garments with my twin flame.
First of all, I was pretty skeptical of that terminology. After the relationship experiences I have had, there was no way I was getting sucked up into another business with someone I slept with. I was wanting to run for cover. I never really believed in the whole twin flame thing, just something made up to put labels on certain relationships.
Then along came Dan. Well, that turned this skeptic upside down. The reason I started looking at the twin flame information was because there were things happening between the two of us that I had never experienced before. There were a lot of things. The first one being that I got knocked on my ass when someone tried to ask me out, and the first thing I saw when I "got away" was Dan and me together in New York. That became a wtf? kinda day. I realized for the first time that I was no longer in charge of what transpires. There was something so much bigger than me that took over, and still does. Like last night when I saw Dan and me working together. What was fascinating to me was the ability we had to flow together. There was this seamlesness between us. There was little need for words, and the happiness in that room was astounding. There were moments when I couldn't tell if I was looking at his hands or mine. There was this sense of complete oneness that I'd never felt before. It sounds so trite to write it like that, and it is anything but trite. It was so real, so magnificent, and so very, very right.
It seems like I spent most of the night awake in this vision-like state, watching us live together, play together, and work together. I surrendered my all to him as he did to me, and it was the most pure joy, vibrancy, and ecstasy I've ever encountered.
I cannot wait to create what I saw us making together. I awoke this morning not tired at all, but rejuvenated and raring to get to the gallery and sit at the sewing machine. But first, I'm at the store, and if Dan's box arrives at home while I'm not there, I will move mountains to get to it.
at least 1000 words
After a long day at the store and at the gallery, I arrived home somewhere around nine tonight. I haven't been sleeping much, and I was dragging my ass through the house to get to my bedroom. I haven't been sleeping much lately because my brain is spewing all night long with ideas of what I can do with tie-dyed and/or batik fabric. Not just any tie-dyed and/or batik fabric, but Dan Leo's fabrics. I've been writing about him for a while without giving up his identity, but tonight when I got home, I got an email from him with these pictures and a short little note. He hopes these pictures are worth at least 1000 words.
Well, mister, you got it, and now that you sent me the pictures I'm blowing your cover!! Personally, I'd write across the sky if I could how I really feel about you, but there's not enough sky. So, I'll do what I can here.
First of all, I loved coming home tonight and finding your new pictures not only in my email but also the ones of your work on Facebook. I want everything you've ever made. I would love to be in a room in your house with all your fabrics and shirts and my sewing machine and boxes of threads and beads and batting. Your designs are so amazing, and I would love to get my hands on them. You ain't seen nothin' yet...
Something really cool happened today. When it occurred, I knew I wasn't in Kansas anymore. This really is Taos. I know you said that I had to stay in Taos, but I'm telling you I ache to work with you. I know it would be the highest high to stand next to you while we're playing with dyes and fabric. I have no doubt about that at all. Baby, we could rock the world with what we can do together. The world has never seen what we can do, but I've seen it plenty of times in my head. It keeps me awake at night. I sleep with my laptop now because I wake up with all these ideas and can't go back to sleep until they all get written.
Today while I was working in the store a woman from San Fransisco walked up to me and told me that if I would write every morning nonsensical words and read them backwards and forwards I would get the message about why I am here. (Now remember, I'm in Taos.)
She told me that at least by February it'll all be clear to me. It could happen sooner if I'd get busy writing like she told me to do every single day. I told her that I was collaborating with someone in New York with my artwork. I said that I thought I was going to be doing energy work in Santa Fe, but instead ended up in Taos doing art again. She just nodded and said, "Yes, that's right." She told me it was important for me to do that writing every single morning. I told her that I would, and she walked out of the store. As she walked down the hallway, she abruptly turned around and stood in the doorway. She said to me, "You're not staying in Taos, but you know that already." I told her that indeed I did know that. She said, "Look beyond the city lights." She smiled at me, and then said, "And you know what that means." I told her that I did, and then she left.
Then a man named Dave came in looking for information on one of the offices upstairs. We got to talking, and I eventually told him about Ms. San Fransisco and what she told me. He asked me if I felt in my heart that her words rang true for me. I said they did, and he said, "Then I'm going to leave you with this gift today." He reached across the counter and held my hand in both of his, and said, "When you hear something, look within. If it resonates with what your heart is telling you, then it is true for you." I told him that it was true for me, and he told me that what Ms. San Fransisco did for me was provide confirmation for all I had been feeling.
Well now, welcome to my world in Taos. Just another day at the office...
So, would you still kick my sweet butt back to Taos if I showed up in New York, in the town beyond the city lights? I feel that you and I are walking a path that neither one of us ever anticipated. Even though it's a dream come true, it still makes me shake a bit in my boots. I am bewildered. Really, Dan, I'm blown away by what's happening between us. And I am so grateful, so very, very grateful.
The thing is that I don't see any obstacles. There's this sense of knowing how right this is, and that it will all work out beautifully for everyone involved. This relationship is built upon deep unconditional love for each other. This is a brand new experience for me, especially when it comes to loving a man. It doesn't matter to me that you have 8,000 sons, or that you live a world away. The magic unfolds for us to be together. I am more sure about that than anything I've ever felt before. You and I are one. There's no definitive line where you end and I begin. I know that will become more apparent when we create together. We were born to be artists together. Oh my god, I'm weak in the knees just thinking about it. Dan, if I could just be in the same room with you while you do what you do to make what you make. If I could just watch you... If I could just be with you... Damn, I wish I had the right words to finish those statements, but what I do have are feelings, intense, amazing feelings for you and what you are able to do. I am humbled that you want me with you. I am privileged that you want to work with me, and I am so very grateful that you love me.
I'm going to have to come up with my own language for how I feel about you because there's nothing in English that comes close to what you mean to me.
Wherever you are, I am also. You are the air that I breathe and the ground on which I walk. And yet I know... Baby, I know with everything I am that I ain't waiting til March. Just sayin'...
Thursday, November 18, 2010
twin flames
Twin flames, also called twin souls, are literally the other half of our soul. We each have only one twin, and generally after being split the two went their separate ways, incarnating over and over to gather human experience before coming back together. Ideally, this happens in both of their last lifetimes on the planet so they can ascend together. So you probably haven't had many lifetimes with your twin.
Each twin is a complete soul, not half a soul. It is their task to become more whole, balancing their female and male sides, and ideally become enlightened, before reuniting with their twin. This reunion is of two complete and whole beings. All other relationships through all our lives could be said to be "practice" for the twin, the ultimate relationship.
excerpt taken from http://www.soulevolution.org/twinflames/twinflames.htm
A friend stopped by the studio yesterday while I was sewing away. I hadn't seen her in several days. It was interesting to see the changes in her, or was it all the changes in me? Hm, hard telling when I think about it.
The main difference I noticed was how she was talking about her relationship with the man that she's with right now compared to the one she had previously. This one now was all from her head. She talked about what they did, what he said. It was almost like she was reading a book to me. I wasn't feeling a connection as much as a desperation to make it into something it was not. A need for it to be a certain way.
When she was focused on the man before this one, she'd speak from her heart. Everything was about feelings. It was a long-distance relationship where they'd connect by phone and have moonlit strolls together. She'd have no need to tell me later what it was like for her, because I could feel the change in her, the peacefulness, the contentedness, the deep connection she felt for this man. I did not hear that once from her yesterday about the current man in her life. She kept telling me how "old" the relationship felt. She knew they'd had lifetimes together as if that made it mean that it was permanent.
When I got home last night I thought about her "old' feeling about the relationship, and I remembered how all of my significant relationships felt like that -- they're "old" because they're karmic, there's something that needs to be worked out due to the circumstances that were played out in previous lives. I remember that "old" feeling, and that's something I haven't felt at all with the man in my life right now.
It feels new. It feels fresh and right and easy.
I Googled "twin flames" last night because there was something about that term that kept coming up for me yesterday, and listening to my friend talk, something was just feeling off. I had had a reading done by an amazing intuitive two and a half years ago. She told me that I would not only have a twin flame in my life but that I would be making garments with him. She said that the energy that radiates from the two of us together would be like none other, and something the world would be waiting for. She said that we would finally come together when we both were ready for this major shift in our lives. She explained in great detail what we would be doing, how we would feel about each other, and how we would come to know who the other one was. We would know, and all obstacles would fall away.
For years I thought about what she'd told me. I wanted to believe it, but with the experiences I was accumulating, I just wasn't so sure that it could ever happen.
And then one summer afternoon someone I went to high school with showed up to see me. It's been a few months since then, but things between us have been unfolding that have made me rethink what this intuitive had told me. I think he saw the possibilities long before I did. He asked me to make dragonflies for his art pieces in a show he was in a few weeks later. My head was in the fuckin' clouds, and I didn't do it. Lately, I haven't been able to stop thinking about working with him, and yesterday I realized the magnitude of what we have. The energy we create together is something I've never experienced before, and I guarantee that if the world could experience this, there would be peace.
I believe that everything is energy. I know that we can use that energy and infuse it into what we make together. I know this to be true because I've been doing it for years without someone working by my side. Can you imagine what would happen if we were to be in a studio alone together? Oh my god... the creations that would come out of that time spent together... I'm having difficulty writing about it because the visual and the feelings that arose just now took me there so fully that my hands stopped typing.
Back to the twin flames concept... So, the story goes that twin flames are the two souls made by the final split of a soul. The reason for the split is so that the soul can grow and expand even more by having two separate experiences in many lifetimes before reuniting. And they come back together after being apart for most of their lifetimes. This is not a karmic relationship. They don't have to "duke" it out with one another, so most lifetimes are spent without the other physically present. They reunite when they've both reached a level of growth and expansion that allows them to fully realize who they are and how they can serve the world together. They no longer need a relationship to work things out. This is the relationship that mirrors so exactly who they are, and that's why they usually come back together when they've been through the garbage. This is a time for unconditional love, and that's why these twin flames don't come together physically right away upon meeting each other. The physical time apart provides a time for them to grow a conscious relationship, where they can step back and truly appreciate who they are connected with. The physical doesn't get in the way. And, once they do come together physically, they've already established a very strong loving foundation.
Now, this doesn't mean that there won't be difficulties. As a matter of fact, since the twin flame relationship is one where the complete halves come back together then it can be very emotional if the groundwork has not been set first. That loving foundation is essential before coming together physically because ego cannot play a role in this relationship. The magic that happens in a twin flame relationship is when the two have worked through their shit, the ego (for the most part) isn't a factor, and they flow together in this river of unconditional love. There are no requirements, no needs, no desperation, no holding on. It's a love so true, so light that the two involved can come and go easily and effortlessly. There's a knowingness about the relationship that settles the doubts, and it's built upon such a strong foundation of unconditional love that nothing else matters.
I haven't had a relationship before that didn't jump into the physical rather quickly, so I find this fascinating that I feel more for this man than anyone I've ever been with. Is it my imagination? Is it wishful thinking? Is it that he's so far away that I can romanticize it?
This time around I know. I just know. There are no other words necessary to explain it. I just know. It's unexplainable. I know how it feels though. I know how it feels so unlike anything else I've ever experienced. This is not old. It's brand new. It's the cosmic sigh of relief -- ah, you finally found each other...
And where does it goes from here? That part I don't know. I don't really think about that. I am so enthralled with right now, with the feelings that I have for him, and for the creativity we can do together. That part, that visual of us alone with fabric and dyes and a sewing machine and... oh my god, now that keeps me up all night. To be able to do something that so fills me with someone I absolutely adore... oh my god... The energy that arises within me when I think about that is so palpable that it could launch rockets. I know whatever it is we do together will be like nothing that's on the market today, and I know the world is waiting for it.
Each twin is a complete soul, not half a soul. It is their task to become more whole, balancing their female and male sides, and ideally become enlightened, before reuniting with their twin. This reunion is of two complete and whole beings. All other relationships through all our lives could be said to be "practice" for the twin, the ultimate relationship.
excerpt taken from http://www.soulevolution.org/twinflames/twinflames.htm
A friend stopped by the studio yesterday while I was sewing away. I hadn't seen her in several days. It was interesting to see the changes in her, or was it all the changes in me? Hm, hard telling when I think about it.
The main difference I noticed was how she was talking about her relationship with the man that she's with right now compared to the one she had previously. This one now was all from her head. She talked about what they did, what he said. It was almost like she was reading a book to me. I wasn't feeling a connection as much as a desperation to make it into something it was not. A need for it to be a certain way.
When she was focused on the man before this one, she'd speak from her heart. Everything was about feelings. It was a long-distance relationship where they'd connect by phone and have moonlit strolls together. She'd have no need to tell me later what it was like for her, because I could feel the change in her, the peacefulness, the contentedness, the deep connection she felt for this man. I did not hear that once from her yesterday about the current man in her life. She kept telling me how "old" the relationship felt. She knew they'd had lifetimes together as if that made it mean that it was permanent.
When I got home last night I thought about her "old' feeling about the relationship, and I remembered how all of my significant relationships felt like that -- they're "old" because they're karmic, there's something that needs to be worked out due to the circumstances that were played out in previous lives. I remember that "old" feeling, and that's something I haven't felt at all with the man in my life right now.
It feels new. It feels fresh and right and easy.
I Googled "twin flames" last night because there was something about that term that kept coming up for me yesterday, and listening to my friend talk, something was just feeling off. I had had a reading done by an amazing intuitive two and a half years ago. She told me that I would not only have a twin flame in my life but that I would be making garments with him. She said that the energy that radiates from the two of us together would be like none other, and something the world would be waiting for. She said that we would finally come together when we both were ready for this major shift in our lives. She explained in great detail what we would be doing, how we would feel about each other, and how we would come to know who the other one was. We would know, and all obstacles would fall away.
For years I thought about what she'd told me. I wanted to believe it, but with the experiences I was accumulating, I just wasn't so sure that it could ever happen.
And then one summer afternoon someone I went to high school with showed up to see me. It's been a few months since then, but things between us have been unfolding that have made me rethink what this intuitive had told me. I think he saw the possibilities long before I did. He asked me to make dragonflies for his art pieces in a show he was in a few weeks later. My head was in the fuckin' clouds, and I didn't do it. Lately, I haven't been able to stop thinking about working with him, and yesterday I realized the magnitude of what we have. The energy we create together is something I've never experienced before, and I guarantee that if the world could experience this, there would be peace.
I believe that everything is energy. I know that we can use that energy and infuse it into what we make together. I know this to be true because I've been doing it for years without someone working by my side. Can you imagine what would happen if we were to be in a studio alone together? Oh my god... the creations that would come out of that time spent together... I'm having difficulty writing about it because the visual and the feelings that arose just now took me there so fully that my hands stopped typing.
Back to the twin flames concept... So, the story goes that twin flames are the two souls made by the final split of a soul. The reason for the split is so that the soul can grow and expand even more by having two separate experiences in many lifetimes before reuniting. And they come back together after being apart for most of their lifetimes. This is not a karmic relationship. They don't have to "duke" it out with one another, so most lifetimes are spent without the other physically present. They reunite when they've both reached a level of growth and expansion that allows them to fully realize who they are and how they can serve the world together. They no longer need a relationship to work things out. This is the relationship that mirrors so exactly who they are, and that's why they usually come back together when they've been through the garbage. This is a time for unconditional love, and that's why these twin flames don't come together physically right away upon meeting each other. The physical time apart provides a time for them to grow a conscious relationship, where they can step back and truly appreciate who they are connected with. The physical doesn't get in the way. And, once they do come together physically, they've already established a very strong loving foundation.
Now, this doesn't mean that there won't be difficulties. As a matter of fact, since the twin flame relationship is one where the complete halves come back together then it can be very emotional if the groundwork has not been set first. That loving foundation is essential before coming together physically because ego cannot play a role in this relationship. The magic that happens in a twin flame relationship is when the two have worked through their shit, the ego (for the most part) isn't a factor, and they flow together in this river of unconditional love. There are no requirements, no needs, no desperation, no holding on. It's a love so true, so light that the two involved can come and go easily and effortlessly. There's a knowingness about the relationship that settles the doubts, and it's built upon such a strong foundation of unconditional love that nothing else matters.
I haven't had a relationship before that didn't jump into the physical rather quickly, so I find this fascinating that I feel more for this man than anyone I've ever been with. Is it my imagination? Is it wishful thinking? Is it that he's so far away that I can romanticize it?
This time around I know. I just know. There are no other words necessary to explain it. I just know. It's unexplainable. I know how it feels though. I know how it feels so unlike anything else I've ever experienced. This is not old. It's brand new. It's the cosmic sigh of relief -- ah, you finally found each other...
And where does it goes from here? That part I don't know. I don't really think about that. I am so enthralled with right now, with the feelings that I have for him, and for the creativity we can do together. That part, that visual of us alone with fabric and dyes and a sewing machine and... oh my god, now that keeps me up all night. To be able to do something that so fills me with someone I absolutely adore... oh my god... The energy that arises within me when I think about that is so palpable that it could launch rockets. I know whatever it is we do together will be like nothing that's on the market today, and I know the world is waiting for it.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
sacred
"What really counts is to strip the soul naked. Painting or poetry is made as we make love; a total embrace, prudence thrown to the wind, nothing held back." Joan Miro
Last night after a long day in the studio, getting ready for bed, and propping my laptop in front of me, I read these words. I have longed for a man in my life who felt just like that, and much to my pleasure this was posted by a man I adore. I was trying to explain to him how different our relationship is than anything I've ever had, and this morning the word came to me: sacred. What we have together I cherish. I see it and feel it as sacred.
He showed up in my life again when I was ready to hold nothing back, to strip my soul naked. I've done just that with him. It feels like the only thing to do, to be that transparent. It is that safe with him to bare all and know I'm still loved. Sacred. This is sacred.
In the movie, As Good As It Gets, Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt, "You make me want to be a better man." I always loved that line. As a novelist, I love hearing great lines spoken, and as a woman who has longed for a man that can be so heartfelt, that sentiment has always made me weak in the knees. Now that I've shared intimate moments with a man who expresses himself like he does, I know firsthand what it feels like. I know that deep connection that's been there all along and just been waiting for that person to physically show up. I know I've carried that connection with me forever because when he showed up in McKinney, Texas to see me, my life as I knew it was over. And the very best in me was revealed.
Crazy has turned into peace. Doubts into knowing, and love has shown up as sacred. I am in awe of this man. I am in awe of how it feels to think about him. It's as if I've never been with a man before, and in a way I haven't. I've never allowed a man in like this, and probably because it was never the right man.
Every moment I think about him, I am so very grateful that I've experienced all that I have because it's brought me to now. Everything's grown me to who I am right now, and right now I've grown into the woman he wants in his life. Wow...wow... Every single heartache, tear shed, wailing and gnashing of teeth has been worth it. I would do it all again knowing that it would lead me right back here to right now with him in my life.
Last night after a long day in the studio, getting ready for bed, and propping my laptop in front of me, I read these words. I have longed for a man in my life who felt just like that, and much to my pleasure this was posted by a man I adore. I was trying to explain to him how different our relationship is than anything I've ever had, and this morning the word came to me: sacred. What we have together I cherish. I see it and feel it as sacred.
He showed up in my life again when I was ready to hold nothing back, to strip my soul naked. I've done just that with him. It feels like the only thing to do, to be that transparent. It is that safe with him to bare all and know I'm still loved. Sacred. This is sacred.
In the movie, As Good As It Gets, Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt, "You make me want to be a better man." I always loved that line. As a novelist, I love hearing great lines spoken, and as a woman who has longed for a man that can be so heartfelt, that sentiment has always made me weak in the knees. Now that I've shared intimate moments with a man who expresses himself like he does, I know firsthand what it feels like. I know that deep connection that's been there all along and just been waiting for that person to physically show up. I know I've carried that connection with me forever because when he showed up in McKinney, Texas to see me, my life as I knew it was over. And the very best in me was revealed.
Crazy has turned into peace. Doubts into knowing, and love has shown up as sacred. I am in awe of this man. I am in awe of how it feels to think about him. It's as if I've never been with a man before, and in a way I haven't. I've never allowed a man in like this, and probably because it was never the right man.
Every moment I think about him, I am so very grateful that I've experienced all that I have because it's brought me to now. Everything's grown me to who I am right now, and right now I've grown into the woman he wants in his life. Wow...wow... Every single heartache, tear shed, wailing and gnashing of teeth has been worth it. I would do it all again knowing that it would lead me right back here to right now with him in my life.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
on a mission
"Once you have a mission, you can't go back to a job." -- Shai Agassi
This was on my Facebook page when I got home yesterday from the hospital, my new place of employment. Maybe. I thought I was going to be working but instead ended up just dealing with more paperwork, and now having to wait until mid-December to work after the HR orientation is scheduled.
I had the expectation of working yesterday, and when it didn't happen I was really pissed, disappointed, frustrated, and a whole lot of other adjectives. So, when I turned on my computer and saw that quote, the feelings stopped.
I thought I was just going to serve coffee for hours a day and then go to a friend's studio afterwards and create art. She was concerned that I wouldn't have the energy or the creativity after being in the hospital all day. All I could think about was the money.
That's been a constant theme in my life -- thinking about the money, whether it was where to invest it, use it to pay bills, collect it from insurance companies, and lately how to make it. I was once told that sex, God, and money were all the same energy. And, once I learned to attract one, use that same ability to attract the other two.
What this person meant by sex was a partner, but people listened more closely when he said sex. I feel I've had a very close relationship with the energy I call Source, my form of God. I live it and breathe it. I've learned that it's the one constant I have in my life, my only security, and my only reason for getting up in the morning. Without such a strong connection to Who I really am (Source) then there'd be no true substance in my life. Everything is temporary. Everything. I've had really fat bank accounts, and now I don't. Money is fluid energy. It flows. I either have an open allowance of it flowing in or I don't. Just because my first day on the job is postponed doesn't mean that I don't have money flowing in. It's that I got so damned stuck on how the money was going to come in that I was disappointed when it didn't show up that way. I had it all planned out how the money from that job was going to pay my bills so that I could do art the rest of my vertical hours in the day. So, what was I saying about my allowing money to come into my life doing what I love to do instead of serving coffee at the wee hours in the morning? Do I really want to serve coffee? No, but I'd be good at it. Well, I was good at collecting money from insurance companies, but by doing that for years I was cutting myself off from my creative juices. I was drowning in all that I didn't want to do.
And, I know that's how it would be doing anything else but what I long to do. I chose to live a heart-driven life, not a robotic have-to existence. I've already written about how my ass gets kicked when I do something that goes against what my heart's desires really are. I was able to ignore it for most of my life, but I haven't been able to do that here. It becomes physically painful to not do what feels good to me. And, it seems the Universe rearranges Itself to knock me back to where my heart leads -- over and over and over. You'd think I'd learn that by now. You'd think that I would have mastered that concept by this stage of my life. Well, people, in case you didn't know, it took me thirty-two years to get out of a dying relationship, so it feels like my learning curve is definitely getting shorter.
So, in my life the man, Source, and money are all the same energy, so what holds them at bay? My thinking, my programming -- what I call my mental masturbation. It's when I take a vacation from my constant chattering and am doing what I love, oh my, that's when the real magic begins. I can go to a place where nothing else exists. Hours may pass, and I don't even know it. When I look at whatever it is I've created, I know that it wasn't just me involved. I tapped into that higher Source and just let 'er rip. There were no judgments, shoulds, or any of that crap. In a world of all possibilities, I can look at anything in front of me, and see it as a tool for new creations. In that space anything is possible, and it's in that space that I connect with my Source energy and create whether it's art, relationships, money, or anything else. It's in that connection of Who I Really Am that the energetic flow, the one constant in my life, swims freely, and the mental masturbation ceases. Thoughts hum rather than distract. That place right there is where the magic is. That's where anything can come into existence because I allow it. I don't chase it. I go into a meditative mode and allow. My meditation is usually in front of a sewing machine, or while painting fabric, but it's a place of quiet where my imagination soars.
I look at the things I've made. I hear what people have to say about them, and I've been selling my art and doing commissioned work since the late 80s. My artwork hangs in Capital buildings around the world. I've made pieces for recording artists, film makers, women who have fled war-torn countries, CEOs, and the list goes on. And I get bent out of shape because I don't get to make coffee for doctors and nurses today? Really? I think I can only pay my bills when the money comes from an employer? What the fuck is that all about? Just who do I think I am?
One of the most amazing things happened yesterday too that has to do with this energetic flow and what I'm allowing into my life. I blogged about someone yesterday, not knowing how he'd feel about what I'd said, or that I'd put it out in cyberspace. I feel very strongly about him, and I can't not write about that. Sure enough, I got a FB chat yesterday with these words after he'd read my blog -- "we must talk." Gulp. I immediately remembered the long walk down the hallway to the Principal's office. Shit! It was never good news in that room.
He called me last night, and it was the simplest, most honest, and easiest conversation I've ever had. What I discovered, and keep discovering about him, is that he's not reminiscent of anything or anyone I've ever had in my life before. Talking to him is like soaking in the very best parts of me that I didn't even know existed.
He also makes my imagination run rampant. I can't stop thinking about what he does with fabric, and it has kept me up for the last two nights just running a ticker tape of ideas through my brain of everything I'd like to try with his remnants. I was emailing him long after I needed to be asleep because I had to tell someone about the parade marching through my head, someone who would care about it as much as me, someone who would get just as excited as I was, and I knew no one else in my life but him that qualifies for that position. For the few hours we spent together last July when he came out to see me and my artwork, it was such a high for me to share my creativity with someone who truly appreciated it, someone who spoke my language. And now I know that he can read my posts, see inside my head, and still not want to run.
And while I've been typing this, I've thought of several other ways to incorporate my artwork into streams of income. I write about this man, feeling him, and remembering his words to me, and a whole new world opens up for me. It's the same as when I'm tapped into my Source energy, the exact same feeling. Hm, money, the man, and Source all the same energy. So, that's how it works...
This was on my Facebook page when I got home yesterday from the hospital, my new place of employment. Maybe. I thought I was going to be working but instead ended up just dealing with more paperwork, and now having to wait until mid-December to work after the HR orientation is scheduled.
I had the expectation of working yesterday, and when it didn't happen I was really pissed, disappointed, frustrated, and a whole lot of other adjectives. So, when I turned on my computer and saw that quote, the feelings stopped.
I thought I was just going to serve coffee for hours a day and then go to a friend's studio afterwards and create art. She was concerned that I wouldn't have the energy or the creativity after being in the hospital all day. All I could think about was the money.
That's been a constant theme in my life -- thinking about the money, whether it was where to invest it, use it to pay bills, collect it from insurance companies, and lately how to make it. I was once told that sex, God, and money were all the same energy. And, once I learned to attract one, use that same ability to attract the other two.
What this person meant by sex was a partner, but people listened more closely when he said sex. I feel I've had a very close relationship with the energy I call Source, my form of God. I live it and breathe it. I've learned that it's the one constant I have in my life, my only security, and my only reason for getting up in the morning. Without such a strong connection to Who I really am (Source) then there'd be no true substance in my life. Everything is temporary. Everything. I've had really fat bank accounts, and now I don't. Money is fluid energy. It flows. I either have an open allowance of it flowing in or I don't. Just because my first day on the job is postponed doesn't mean that I don't have money flowing in. It's that I got so damned stuck on how the money was going to come in that I was disappointed when it didn't show up that way. I had it all planned out how the money from that job was going to pay my bills so that I could do art the rest of my vertical hours in the day. So, what was I saying about my allowing money to come into my life doing what I love to do instead of serving coffee at the wee hours in the morning? Do I really want to serve coffee? No, but I'd be good at it. Well, I was good at collecting money from insurance companies, but by doing that for years I was cutting myself off from my creative juices. I was drowning in all that I didn't want to do.
And, I know that's how it would be doing anything else but what I long to do. I chose to live a heart-driven life, not a robotic have-to existence. I've already written about how my ass gets kicked when I do something that goes against what my heart's desires really are. I was able to ignore it for most of my life, but I haven't been able to do that here. It becomes physically painful to not do what feels good to me. And, it seems the Universe rearranges Itself to knock me back to where my heart leads -- over and over and over. You'd think I'd learn that by now. You'd think that I would have mastered that concept by this stage of my life. Well, people, in case you didn't know, it took me thirty-two years to get out of a dying relationship, so it feels like my learning curve is definitely getting shorter.
So, in my life the man, Source, and money are all the same energy, so what holds them at bay? My thinking, my programming -- what I call my mental masturbation. It's when I take a vacation from my constant chattering and am doing what I love, oh my, that's when the real magic begins. I can go to a place where nothing else exists. Hours may pass, and I don't even know it. When I look at whatever it is I've created, I know that it wasn't just me involved. I tapped into that higher Source and just let 'er rip. There were no judgments, shoulds, or any of that crap. In a world of all possibilities, I can look at anything in front of me, and see it as a tool for new creations. In that space anything is possible, and it's in that space that I connect with my Source energy and create whether it's art, relationships, money, or anything else. It's in that connection of Who I Really Am that the energetic flow, the one constant in my life, swims freely, and the mental masturbation ceases. Thoughts hum rather than distract. That place right there is where the magic is. That's where anything can come into existence because I allow it. I don't chase it. I go into a meditative mode and allow. My meditation is usually in front of a sewing machine, or while painting fabric, but it's a place of quiet where my imagination soars.
I look at the things I've made. I hear what people have to say about them, and I've been selling my art and doing commissioned work since the late 80s. My artwork hangs in Capital buildings around the world. I've made pieces for recording artists, film makers, women who have fled war-torn countries, CEOs, and the list goes on. And I get bent out of shape because I don't get to make coffee for doctors and nurses today? Really? I think I can only pay my bills when the money comes from an employer? What the fuck is that all about? Just who do I think I am?
One of the most amazing things happened yesterday too that has to do with this energetic flow and what I'm allowing into my life. I blogged about someone yesterday, not knowing how he'd feel about what I'd said, or that I'd put it out in cyberspace. I feel very strongly about him, and I can't not write about that. Sure enough, I got a FB chat yesterday with these words after he'd read my blog -- "we must talk." Gulp. I immediately remembered the long walk down the hallway to the Principal's office. Shit! It was never good news in that room.
He called me last night, and it was the simplest, most honest, and easiest conversation I've ever had. What I discovered, and keep discovering about him, is that he's not reminiscent of anything or anyone I've ever had in my life before. Talking to him is like soaking in the very best parts of me that I didn't even know existed.
He also makes my imagination run rampant. I can't stop thinking about what he does with fabric, and it has kept me up for the last two nights just running a ticker tape of ideas through my brain of everything I'd like to try with his remnants. I was emailing him long after I needed to be asleep because I had to tell someone about the parade marching through my head, someone who would care about it as much as me, someone who would get just as excited as I was, and I knew no one else in my life but him that qualifies for that position. For the few hours we spent together last July when he came out to see me and my artwork, it was such a high for me to share my creativity with someone who truly appreciated it, someone who spoke my language. And now I know that he can read my posts, see inside my head, and still not want to run.
And while I've been typing this, I've thought of several other ways to incorporate my artwork into streams of income. I write about this man, feeling him, and remembering his words to me, and a whole new world opens up for me. It's the same as when I'm tapped into my Source energy, the exact same feeling. Hm, money, the man, and Source all the same energy. So, that's how it works...
Monday, November 15, 2010
leading from the heart
I'm discovering that I live with two jills -- one is the ego, the personality, the mind-fuck, and I call her jill, and then there's the other one -- JILL. She is the heart, the soul, the essence, the core, the real me. For most of my life she has been in hiding. She was taught to not come out and play because it was too dangerous. She danced to a totally different rhythm and where I came from that wasn't allowed. I was taught to behave, to not be heard, and to follow the rules without question. I have to say I did that really well for most my life. I did it so well that I buried myself in my marriage, in being a daughter, in being a mother. So, it took me 48 years to dig through all that crap I uncovered, but I still did it. And, I'm still digging out from under some of it -- again and again.
So, back when I was 48 jill became Jill. Yep, she stood up to a man who didn't want to hear her, and she said she wanted a divorce. It took him 2 years to really believe her because he chose not to listen.
By the time she turned 50 Jill became JIll. She moved to Steamboat and worked with a shaman. There was a deep excavation process that went on throughout that two-year stint. The excavation was not only a physical process of releasing all the shit, but a major shift in how she was thinking. She went from being a oh-woe-is-me girl to OMG-what-revelations! woman. She got a taste of loving unconditionally. She took shamanic journeys, goddess classes, sexual rituals, did Native ceremonies... whatever it took for her to value her own voice so she could hear herself.
Not too long after her 52nd birthday, she arrived in McKinney, TX where she transformed into JILl. She went back to a place near where she grew up. She got the experiences of healing childhood wounds, growing up a bit, and tasting the contrasts of what she no longer wanted in her life. She discovered how very tired she was of living a life where appearances mattered. And slowly, all of her possessions were discarded.
Which led her to New Mexico by the time she turned 54. Here, she stripped down to her naked vulnerability. Here, she's uncovered JILL, who's been with her all along, but not allowed to surface fully until now.
Even as I write this I'm shaking. I'm scared. I'm choosing to live my life so openly. I'm willing to allow JILL to absolutely take over, and the roads that have shown up as a result scare jill to death. Bottom line is that I see a road opening up to me that I never considered before, a life so very different from what I've ever had before... And yet when I look at the visions I see before me, I realize that I was born for that life. Every experience has led right to that path. Everything... And everyone...
What has happened when JILL arrived completely is this feeling that jill is no longer in control. I mean, that little presence has no say whatsoever in what happens. My feelings override every thought I have until the thoughts come around to resonating with the feelings. When I'm in a situation that no longer matches how I feel, oh sweet jesus! I get shoved right out.
The first time this happened was last Friday when I was at a coffee shop and someone I had just met was asking me to dinner. My ass was kicked right out of there. I mean that literally. That's what is so new to me about living this way. It's as if my heart truly leads, and my body is forced to follow. I couldn't breathe well when I was in that coffee shop, and as soon as I got outside, I felt this weight come off my chest. I sighed heavily (and gratefully), and then saw a vision of myself with someone in New York.
Since this was my first time to experience this kind of ass-whupping, I carried on like a two-year old throwing a tantrum. I walked down the main drag of Taos flinging my arms and yelling like a crazed lunatic. I was determined that I was not moving again. I was staying in Taos. I love everything about this place and the people here. I was not moving. Period.
And then it hit me -- for the first time in my life I was seeing myself somewhere else with someone else because I wanted that more than I wanted to be in a place I absolutely adored without him. What's even crazier is that I've seen him for just a few hours in the last 36 years. I've communicated with him somewhat regularly for the past four months or so, but I feel as if I know him so well that there's no separation between the two of us. I feel him all the time. I see him in his daily life. It's the craziest thing, and yet it feels as if this is what I've been waiting for forever. This is nothing like I've ever experienced before because there is no need involved. I'm at peace. I'm calm. I'm not questioning anything. I know. I know. I just know. And now that I can be heard, it seems words are not that necessary.
There's this fine line, a veil that's getting more and more transparent as the hours lapse where I can be here in Taos laying in my bed, and I feel his arms around me. I can be walking across the street, and he's there beside me. I used to have a constant mantra when this first started happening -- wtf? wtf? wtf? Now, it's normal. Now, if I didn't feel him or see him, maybe then I'd be chanting that mantra.
My heart feels so wide, so open it could encompass the world and then some. This is how I am to live my life. This is who I am. If it weren't for all those twists and turns, the zigzagging on this crazy path, I couldn't possibly be prepared to love this man the way I do. I couldn't possibly be able to see the utter beauty in him without all the crap I've carried for years. I had to dig deeply and allow my true self to come up and out so that I am deserving of such a man like him.
I read his words to me, and I am humbled that he has chosen to not run away. I am privileged that he experiences moments that he wants to share only with me. It has taken me forty years to finally match the greatness within him so that we could finally be drawn together. I never said I was the sharpest tool in the shed, but I am so grateful that we have what we have with each other right now. It is the most open, calming, vulnerable, safe, and loving relationship I've ever experienced.
And, besides all of that we have this passion, this absolute crazy nuttiness for what we can do with fabric. It kept me awake last night. There is no switch to turn off when it comes to creating. My head becomes a virtual TV screen of what I could possibly do with fabric, beads, paints, fibers, etc. And to be able to share this contagious craziness with someone like him? It's beyond my wildest dreams. I've never had a man I could be so open with about what fills me and have him get it, have him feel the same way about the same thing. Un-frickin'-believable...
What if this is the way life is meant to be? What if we are to have partners who we want to confide in more than anyone else, and share a passion with, and feel him when he's physically not there, and know what he's thinking about? What if this is the way it's supposed to be? What if it's a soul union that's been waiting for the physical bodies to just catch up? And, what if every experience leads to just that? Then, how important has every person and situation been to our growth if it inevitably leads each one of us to that soul union?
If that's the case, all I can say to every person that's ever influenced me in any way, thank you immensely. I am grateful for whatever it took to get me to where I am right now, and I look forward to wherever my heart leads me next.
So, back when I was 48 jill became Jill. Yep, she stood up to a man who didn't want to hear her, and she said she wanted a divorce. It took him 2 years to really believe her because he chose not to listen.
By the time she turned 50 Jill became JIll. She moved to Steamboat and worked with a shaman. There was a deep excavation process that went on throughout that two-year stint. The excavation was not only a physical process of releasing all the shit, but a major shift in how she was thinking. She went from being a oh-woe-is-me girl to OMG-what-revelations! woman. She got a taste of loving unconditionally. She took shamanic journeys, goddess classes, sexual rituals, did Native ceremonies... whatever it took for her to value her own voice so she could hear herself.
Not too long after her 52nd birthday, she arrived in McKinney, TX where she transformed into JILl. She went back to a place near where she grew up. She got the experiences of healing childhood wounds, growing up a bit, and tasting the contrasts of what she no longer wanted in her life. She discovered how very tired she was of living a life where appearances mattered. And slowly, all of her possessions were discarded.
Which led her to New Mexico by the time she turned 54. Here, she stripped down to her naked vulnerability. Here, she's uncovered JILL, who's been with her all along, but not allowed to surface fully until now.
Even as I write this I'm shaking. I'm scared. I'm choosing to live my life so openly. I'm willing to allow JILL to absolutely take over, and the roads that have shown up as a result scare jill to death. Bottom line is that I see a road opening up to me that I never considered before, a life so very different from what I've ever had before... And yet when I look at the visions I see before me, I realize that I was born for that life. Every experience has led right to that path. Everything... And everyone...
What has happened when JILL arrived completely is this feeling that jill is no longer in control. I mean, that little presence has no say whatsoever in what happens. My feelings override every thought I have until the thoughts come around to resonating with the feelings. When I'm in a situation that no longer matches how I feel, oh sweet jesus! I get shoved right out.
The first time this happened was last Friday when I was at a coffee shop and someone I had just met was asking me to dinner. My ass was kicked right out of there. I mean that literally. That's what is so new to me about living this way. It's as if my heart truly leads, and my body is forced to follow. I couldn't breathe well when I was in that coffee shop, and as soon as I got outside, I felt this weight come off my chest. I sighed heavily (and gratefully), and then saw a vision of myself with someone in New York.
Since this was my first time to experience this kind of ass-whupping, I carried on like a two-year old throwing a tantrum. I walked down the main drag of Taos flinging my arms and yelling like a crazed lunatic. I was determined that I was not moving again. I was staying in Taos. I love everything about this place and the people here. I was not moving. Period.
And then it hit me -- for the first time in my life I was seeing myself somewhere else with someone else because I wanted that more than I wanted to be in a place I absolutely adored without him. What's even crazier is that I've seen him for just a few hours in the last 36 years. I've communicated with him somewhat regularly for the past four months or so, but I feel as if I know him so well that there's no separation between the two of us. I feel him all the time. I see him in his daily life. It's the craziest thing, and yet it feels as if this is what I've been waiting for forever. This is nothing like I've ever experienced before because there is no need involved. I'm at peace. I'm calm. I'm not questioning anything. I know. I know. I just know. And now that I can be heard, it seems words are not that necessary.
There's this fine line, a veil that's getting more and more transparent as the hours lapse where I can be here in Taos laying in my bed, and I feel his arms around me. I can be walking across the street, and he's there beside me. I used to have a constant mantra when this first started happening -- wtf? wtf? wtf? Now, it's normal. Now, if I didn't feel him or see him, maybe then I'd be chanting that mantra.
My heart feels so wide, so open it could encompass the world and then some. This is how I am to live my life. This is who I am. If it weren't for all those twists and turns, the zigzagging on this crazy path, I couldn't possibly be prepared to love this man the way I do. I couldn't possibly be able to see the utter beauty in him without all the crap I've carried for years. I had to dig deeply and allow my true self to come up and out so that I am deserving of such a man like him.
I read his words to me, and I am humbled that he has chosen to not run away. I am privileged that he experiences moments that he wants to share only with me. It has taken me forty years to finally match the greatness within him so that we could finally be drawn together. I never said I was the sharpest tool in the shed, but I am so grateful that we have what we have with each other right now. It is the most open, calming, vulnerable, safe, and loving relationship I've ever experienced.
And, besides all of that we have this passion, this absolute crazy nuttiness for what we can do with fabric. It kept me awake last night. There is no switch to turn off when it comes to creating. My head becomes a virtual TV screen of what I could possibly do with fabric, beads, paints, fibers, etc. And to be able to share this contagious craziness with someone like him? It's beyond my wildest dreams. I've never had a man I could be so open with about what fills me and have him get it, have him feel the same way about the same thing. Un-frickin'-believable...
What if this is the way life is meant to be? What if we are to have partners who we want to confide in more than anyone else, and share a passion with, and feel him when he's physically not there, and know what he's thinking about? What if this is the way it's supposed to be? What if it's a soul union that's been waiting for the physical bodies to just catch up? And, what if every experience leads to just that? Then, how important has every person and situation been to our growth if it inevitably leads each one of us to that soul union?
If that's the case, all I can say to every person that's ever influenced me in any way, thank you immensely. I am grateful for whatever it took to get me to where I am right now, and I look forward to wherever my heart leads me next.
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