Monday, February 14, 2011

baring my soul

Over two months ago when I took that train to Syracuse little did I know about the life I was propelling myself into. If I had known, I would have done it sooner.

I had no idea love felt like this. I didn't know the capacity or the depth in which I could feel it so strongly. Every day it escalates even more. Being able to wake up every morning and open my eyes to see the man beside me has truly been the warmest and happiest moments of my life. I am astounded at the feelings that emerge morning after morning after morning. If I could bring this miracle into my life, what else can I do?

I ask myself that on a regular basis. I truly feel that I'm still holding myself back a bit. There's a distrust, no matter how slight it may be, that keeps me from truly believing in my own talents. Dan and I were watching a movie the other night about Jackson Pollock, and one of the things that struck me was someone's comment that Jackson himself doubted his own ability in creating astounding art. Well now...

I listened to those words and knew they struck a resounding chord with me. The only reason I am not where I really desire to be artistically speaking is because I've held myself back. I've allowed the inner critic's voice to be a tad bit louder than I'd like. I shake my head at this revelation because it seems crazy that I would keep myself from getting what I really want, but the truth is that I have.

I've moved across the country to be with a man that creates the most amazing fabric designs. He brings me materials to work with on an almost daily basis. I've purchased all new supplies and tools. My sewing space has been expanded yet again, and I create daily. I dream about new items to make. I'm "given" new directions every night in my dream state. I've even had my next novel "told" to me while I was sleeping.

I have manically sewn fabric stories, purses, and artwork along with knitting scarves and purses out of Dan's tie-dyed t-shirts. Hardly a day goes by that I'm not in my studio space bent over the cutting table or sewing machine and madly designing, sewing, or cutting. My new inventory is building up beautifully. I look at all the purses, scarves, and wall hangings a lot. I marvel at them. I even question where they came from, and maybe that's where the hesitancy to market them comes from. If I can bring into my life a love beyond my wildest dreams, then why is it so confounding to me that I can create the items that I have? How can I possibly deny others' joy in having them? Where exactly do I get off making myself smaller, less talented than I am? What am I so afraid of? Being successful? Having it all? Sweet Jesus! How will I ever know if I don't push myself out that door and welcome those who have been waiting for me just as I have them?

So I grew up Southern, Catholic, and the only girl in a house full of boys. So I grew up being told I couldn't do things because I was a girl. So fuckin' what! Get over it already! It's time to play in the big leagues. It's time to thoroughly enjoy my life with this dear, sweet man of mine. It is time to relinquish all doubts, throw caution to the wind, and put myself out there because no one can make what I make. No one else can put things together like I do just as it's true about everyone else. When we don't give the world our best gifts, then who are we really cheating? More importantly, why waste our lives, our talents, our skills like that?

Why indeed!

Here are a few of the items I've been working on. They weren't finished at the time of the picture taking, but most of them are ready to shed their light all over the world! I so enjoy what I do, and my greatest gift would be to shower the viewer with that immense joy.
what I can do with some tie-dyed t-shirts

scarves I knitted from tie-dyed t-shirts
This one has some mohair yarn knitted in also.

I knitted this from one of Dan's son's knit shirts "seaming" it with a tie-dyed t-shirt, knitted tie-dyed strap and bobble for a closure.  I still need to make the loop to put around the bobble, but this is my latest creation.

This is a purse I made from the sleeves of a tie-dyed t-shirt.
This purse is made from three blouses Dan bought me from a thrift shop. The brown is some kind of knit velveteen to give it a great texture. The only tie-dyed fabric on this one is the inside pocket and the loop that goes over the button. The lining is a cotton fabric from one of the boys' shirts.
And here's a view of some unfinished purses. They are all done now and up for sale! All are made from clothing, even the embellishments.
This is just the beginning, and I look forward to showing you more. Sixty-nine days after arriving here, and I've already taken over more than half of the front room. My fabric stash grows steadily, and I am so very, very grateful for being able to share with you what I so love.