Saturday, May 30, 2009

To excavating -- may they be fewer and less painful

I have been known to be a master at many things, but lately it's been the mastery of self-excavation that I've buried myself in. And this has been excruciatingly painful. Some people may call it the dark night of the soul, but let me just say it's been a whole lot longer than a night.

For those who don't know, I ended a 32 year relationship a couple of years ago. Thinking that I was cool, wonderful, ready to move on, etc. I did just that. I moved to another town and began what I called at that time different relationships with different men. What I know now is that I had many one-night stands with the same men over and over because it never went deeper than that. There were no self-excavations or self-examinations, for that matter.

However, I've formed a relationship with a man that has been different from anything I've experienced before. We chose to be honest with each other, to be in integrity with each other, and those intentions have set in motion this time bomb within me that just exploded. As James Arthur Ray says, "What's suppressed will be expressed at a later date in uglier ways." I know for a fact that it is not only true, but a huge understatement.

Let's just call this man Sam from Seattle. Sam was only trying to help me with my computer, installing anti-viral computer software that he had given my daughter and me to protect both our computers. I tried to install it with no luck. My daughter attempts it. Again, with no chance in hell of it working, and for some reason, when he calls me to see if we'd gotten it installed, I chose to jump into an old pattern so quickly that I didn't know what hit me. Beautiful, wonderful Sam turned into the ex who used to wag his finger at me, raising his voice, and making it clear to anyone in shouting distance that I was pretty much nothing more than stupid.

What? Where did my sanity go? How I could've switched from one reality to another so quickly is still a mystery to me, but somehow I flew into craziness and set up shop as its mayor, because for the past few days, I have been out of my mind creating scenarios that only someone who needs to be put away would come up with.


Because someone whom I love very much said something benign to me that sent me down this rabbit hole of remembering the verbal outbursts I had experienced with an ex. At first, I would take the ex's words in as truth, learning that I wasn't worth shit, that it was okay to belittle me, to interrogate me, and to chastise me. I showed this man that my self-worth was nowhere to be found and apparently it was okay to shit on me any chance he got. Then I learned to wrap those words around me for protection. I didn't let anyone else in. I formed what I had called relationships with men doing whatever it took to please them, convinced that would entice them to love me. I never went into deep conversations with them. It just became about sex pretty quickly in every situation so that I could keep my mouth busy without having to talk. I thought I had grown so much after leaving the ex, and I did, but the growth that really matters is just now coming out into the open.

And it hurts.


This dear, sweet man that I truly love has been allowed in. He's been allowed into my world that I had even hidden from myself. And when he came in, the ugliness that I had been hiding for most of my life surfaced. The inability to truly treasure myself and to know my self-worth rushed to the forefront with such urgency, it left me gasping for air. I'm just now breathing, and it's days later.

Every loud word, ugly accusation, etc. that I endured jetted forward, oozing out of every cell in my body. Not only do I hurt from head to toe, but my throat feels like it has been burned by hot lava that spewed from the volcanic eruption that started in the pit of my stomach. An amazing friend called me tonight "out of the blue" and she began coughing until she couldn't speak. Before losing her ability to talk, she let me know that before that moment she was having no issues with her throat at all. Amazingly, she felt the choking and fire that I was experiencing. Now, that was remarkable. I was in awe of how I saw first hand, that we truly are one.

This whole experience has been a true testament to the magnificence of the workings of the universe. Here I thought I was dripping in evolvement and enlightenment. After all, I'd been working with a shaman for years, and lately working with James Arthur Ray. I'd been reading spiritual books, and absorbing everything possible that I felt led me down the path of higher vibrational living. I just knew I had my shit together.

And then -- WHAM!

I've been expelling shit for days now.

I found my ipod and have been listening to a psychic reading I had a year ago. She (the psychic) says that there will be an amazing being that shows up in my life, someone who has "the genius code and lives the mastery that he is." And then she says that I must be that person myself to attract this man. Well, I did have moments of that mastery until remnants of who I was smacked me upside the head with the memories of verbal abuse. Verbal abuse, my daughter reminded me, that I had allowed to occur. I had taught her dad how to treat me. And she is absolutely right. I taught another human being to shit on me because that was the only treatment I thought I was worthy of back then. Now, I know I'm worthy of so much more, and as this new man showers me with his affection in the form of fixing my computer, I retreat into a fetal position. Hm...makes so much sense, does it not? Where did I get this formula for success? I'm thinking my parents wasted a lot of money on my education.

So now, I'm digging myself out of this hole I buried myself into a few days ago. I'm watching the perfection of the universe show up as beautiful beings come to my aid with kind words, loving gestures, and today, a beautiful man singing to me outside about how wonderful I look tonight. How amazing is all of this? I've had extraordinary phone calls today from people I haven't talked to in a while. C'mon, a singer sings outside of a bistro to me and my daughter as people walked by. What a completely perfect day.

So, thank you, Universe! Thank you, Buzz, for the wonderful song, and to let you know it does not take tequila for me to see how beautiful you are.

Thank you, Mindie, for the truly over the top conversation today.

Cathy, thank you for the healing you offered me. It was so heartfelt and incredibly kind. And, to Emily for her sweet phone call to let me know you're all right.

Alyssa, thank you for always being there for me and certainly putting up with my craziness. You are the best that has ever happened to me!

And lastly, to this kind man who was only trying to help me, thank you for the help you really gave me. I am becoming brand new, and whatever that means for us, I am grateful. If there is an us -- cool, and if there's not, that's cool too. I only wish you the best of everything, whatever that happens to be and whoever that happens to be with. In any case, I'm grateful to you for triggering this journey I've taken to excavate the things in me that no longer serve me. When the excavation is over, the beauty that remains is going to be beyond compare. I can't wait to see what it is.

To Buzz

First of all, I'm in complete denial that it's been so long since I posted anything. I was planning on writing daily, and suddenly it's been days without a word.

Secondly, I want to give a warm and wonderful shout out to Mr. Buzz Andrews. My daughter and I were hanging at La Mischa's on the square this afternoon, when Buzz came over to sing to us. He sang a song just to us -- Eric Clapton's You Look Wonderful Tonight. He changed the lyrics from blonde hair to red hair, and when he sang, I love you, I knew it was heartfelt. Buzz, you are wonderful every night I've seen you. McKinney is the rocking place that it is because you are here. Thank you for the song and all the songs you've sung in our presence. Today you made me feel better about myself, and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

Monday, May 25, 2009

lessons learned while opening my heart even more

I just finished reading my last post written on Friday. I ended it saying that I still choose love. There was something in that post about how quickly my life changes, that it would be different in the next five minutes, or something to that effect. Well, that Friday was the quickest changing day of my life.

I've been in a ping pong match without even realizing it until the game came to an end. I really see the part I played in it, and I'm grateful for the new vision.

You see, I was supposed to have this amazingly romantic weekend with an amazingly romantic guy in my life. He canceled. That was what my Friday post was about without me really saying it, I think.

He showed up anyway.

I'm still so battle-scarred that I'm not sure how I feel right now. I know I went down a path that I didn't like for myself -- but I did it anyway. Something I've done over and over and over. I so choose love in my life that I disregard what's in my highest good and jump hook, line, and sinker. I'm such a putz for love. I love the feeling. I love being thought about, and I love thinking about the guy. This guy especially. This guy raised the bar so damn high, and then it came crashing down this weekend.

I set myself up for this. I did this to and for myself. This is an excellent example of what not to do ever again. I really thought I'd learned this already, but apparently needed this on a whole new level. Ah, thank you, universe. Face planting is a old sport for me, and I'm ready to move onto something else now. I'm ready to leap knowing the net will appear instead of leaping in the wrong direction until I land face first on the bottom, wherever that may be.

So, what did I learn?

I'm breathing deeply before typing this, because I've chosen this forum to air myself out to dry in public. I'm baring my soul here, and I want to be truthful and accurate. I want someone to be able to read this, to be able to learn without having to experience this, and hopefully teach myself something new in the meantime.

I learned what happens when I love at the expense of myself. Again. This time though I learned it on a much grander scale. I learned it with a guy who rocked my world like none other, and the lesson has cut much deeper. Maybe now I'll learn not to do this again. Maybe now I won't fall instead of leaping. Maybe now, I'll honor me first and foremost, instead of being the sacrifice. Again.

My friends say I'm being too harsh on myself. That beating myself up does no good. Excuse me if it sounds like a beating because what I really want it to be is self-examination. I want to be able to truly recognize this experience as a warning from the universe about not honoring myself. That giving myself away does no good for no one.

This new life I keep forming for myself gets tweaked in many ways. The tweaking this weekend turned into a major slap across the face. Apparently I needed some waking up, and I appreciate what it took for me to open my eyes and look myself in the mirror.

Before I would've said it was the man who caused this, but now I know who the real creator of this movie is. I know who's doing the dreaming, and I know it's me. I know I directed myself right into that corner. I did this willingly, and now I must accept my role in it, learn my lessons from it, and move forward with great love for myself.

There is an Hawaiian tradition (called something I can't spell), but it's a forgiveness, or "cleaning" method that I've used for a while now. It goes something like this: I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

For the life of me, I can't remember exactly why it's those four sentences and why it's important to say them in the correct order (and I'm not even sure they're in the right order), but just saying them makes me feel better.

I admit I'm human. I admit I love sex. I admit I have had an addiction to how it feels. I admit to all of this. I admit that I love being in love. I admit to being addicted to those feelings also. And when the opportunity presented itself, I jumped at the chance. I went crazy head-on blindly at it, once I allowed the pursuer in. Once I let him in, I had the time of my life.

And now it's over.

Or is it?

Do I ever really know what's going to happen? Absolutely not. Sometimes it's just easier for me to make a clean break, to start over new, and forget the past. However, I created a little dilemma for myself. I created beautiful memories of him in the town where I live, in the restaurants and bars that I frequent, with my daughter and another friend, and even in the apartment where I live. He bought me many gifts that are all over the place. This time it won't be quite so easy to dump that vat of memories.

In 2007 I lived with a family in Steamboat Springs, CO. They had a beautiful compound and graciously let me live in an apartment above the garage for free. It was a great arrangement because I loved being in such beautiful surroundings with a family I loved. It was a no-brainer really. Here's the interesting thing. Right before I moved into that apartment, one of their brothers came to visit, and after having many conversations with him on the phone and knowing his family, I jumped headlong into a weekend of craziness with him, and then moved into the apartment where we had spent the weekend together. His last name was on the stone at the end of the driveway and on the mat at the front door. There were pictures of him in the house, and most of all there was his brother that had so many similarities that looking at him could become painful. Because, you see, after some magical times with this guy, he dropped me like a hot potato. I leapt that time without looking for the net, and my face still has scars from where I landed.

Why do I fall so easily? Why do I keep choosing to leap without a net? Why, why, why?

Because loving someone feels so good. I am meant to love. I know that. I am meant to have a fabulous man who adores me as I do him. I am meant to laugh and cuddle and sing out loud, to dance the nights away, to drink red wine, and be caressed. I love how it feels to have an open heart. I love how high the highs feel, and when the lows show up, the pain is exquisite. It's a deep heartfelt strike that goes through my body with ease. It tears me down. It whittles away at all the unnecessary, and when I come back to breathing normally again, I'm new. I'm new in ways that I've never experienced before. I'm new for the next experience that will send me over the top because I know there will be one, and I desire it. I look forward to it. I look forward to opening my heart even more and more and more until that's all I am but an open heart pouring out love.

This is why I came here -- to love with all my heart. And one day there will be the right man in the right time in the right place, and we will connect and it will be beyond my wildest dreams. In the meantime, I thank all the previous men who have helped me open my heart because the best is just around the corner and I'm getting ready.

Friday, May 22, 2009

What the Bleep?! is right

One of the things James Arthur Ray taught me is that there is a law of rhythm. Tide comes in, tide goes out. Life is cyclical, ever changing. Those amazing days I had turned into something else. What was my part in that -- everything... I caused it all. You see, I have this long-standing story to uphold, one that says that I'm not worthy of amazing love, supercharged heightened love, even though I've experienced it several times, just not on a consistent basis. What is consistent in my life is change. One thing I know for sure is that my life will be different in the next 5 minutes. There will be different people, different places, different circumstances in the blink of an eye. That I can guarantee. I would so like it to be smooth, but then I'd miss out on the highs, and those feel pretty darn good. Ah, and then there are the lows. I'm experiencing one right now. I'm looking at why I attracted something into my life that I've attracted before. Why did I do it again?

This morning when I awoke I received an email from a dear, dear friend who sent me the link to What the Bleep?! Down the Rabbit Hole. And in it Joe Dispenza made a comment that illustrated to me exactly why I was questioning my ability to attract what I attracted. Here's what he said:

Everybody is secretly an adventurer. Everybody loves the adventure. It's just taking that first step, and once they have that moment of insight, that moment of insight carries the frequencies in the body and they're enlivened by possibility. They're enlivened by unknown potentials. They're enlivened by future potential that may be down the rabbit hole a little further and if they allow themselves to experience the quandary and the mysticism and the possibility that when they emerge from the rabbit hole they're a different person and now they go back into their world and because they've processed that information and left footprints in the mind and the brain, their perception of the world will never be the same.

Someone else in the movie put it this way:

If you don't see the traps, you have to go through the crap until you see the traps, because if you don't see it, it's your own teaching machine. It's the only way for you to understand something new, so the universe brings these things to your door and there is learning in them for you if you are willing to reflect upon them and to think beyond the rigid mindset.

So, today I'm reflecting. I'm reflecting on why I did it again. Why did I attract into my life something I've attracted into it before? When do I learn that lesson and not repeat it? James said that once we learn a lesson doesn't mean that we won't experience an opportunity to go through it again, but this time it'll just be at a different level because we've changed. This one was definitely at a different level, a level beyond my comprehension, a level so profound I was so willing to throw myself over the edge without thinking twice until I hit the bottom. Ouch...

It was a great lesson. Invaluable. It woke me up, got me out of an unconscious state, and propelled me back into paying attention to what's really going on instead of falling into a vat of addiction -- an addiction to an emotion. Abraham/Hicks talks about going where it feels good. Well, I did just that. I went to where it felt better than it ever had and then -- splat! -- when I ended up in a face plant, I knew I fell without making conscious decisions. Again.

What's interesting is that I was getting sick. Allergies were kicking in, and the last time that happened I was going down a path that didn't serve me. I really paid attention this time when the sneezing got out of hand, and then there were the other symptoms that took over my attention. My body was telling me I was off kilter. I knew it. I felt it. And then there was the train wreck that halted everything. I call it a train wreck when in actuality all it was was the realization of the facts. The facts in this situation slammed into me as soon as I opened the door so wide I couldn't not let the wreck in, and then -- pow! I didn't duck or jump out of the way. I let it slam right into me, and today I'm nursing my wounds a bit. And questioning why I allowed myself to jump right in front of a moving train. Again. I'm not a young pup. I know better. Really, I do. But I did it again.

Wow...I look back on it and I'm mesmerized by the beauty of the twisted metal and lingering sparks of the wreckage at my door. It was all so beautiful. I was hypnotized, drunk, and willing to jump right in front of that blaring light that came right at me. I pushed everything out of the way so I could be the first in its sight as it came barreling through the passageway right for me. Baby, I planted myself firmly in its path, and I did a damn good job of feeling the wreckage of the aftermath.

And today, I just ask myself what did I learn from it all? I created it. I manifested it, and I chose it with everything within me. I did this myself. I did this to myself, and what have I learned from it?

I'm reinventing myself. My previous self would bury herself in her work. This present self, the one that's climbed out of the twisted metal is facing the disaster area head-on, feeling the feelings, paying attention to what she agreed to and what she got out of it. Now, it's time to pick up the scattered discards and clean up the mess. What do I do with what is left? And what is left?

As I come back up out of the rabbit hole and after having left footprints on the mind, who am I now? What adventure do I choose next? The world is such an infinite place of possibilities, so which one do I jump onto now? What have I not experienced that I would love to have foremost in my life right now? What would that be? I still choose love. I choose love whole-heartedly. I choose love without a moment's hesitation, but this time I choose availability also. I choose to love with a fully opened heart and shower that love on someone who can say yes to me, someone who can say yes to me right now because now is all that matters.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Porsches, Starbucks, and dreams

I've been having extraordinary days. They all seem to run together into one magnificent moment. Today I wondered if the reason my days were like this was because of the way I feel about a certain man in my life. Would it be possible for me to feel this extraordinary, this much in love with my life if he weren't in it? And an answer came to me. Drum roll please... This is big, hope you're sitting down. Here it comes:

I could not have had this man in my life if I wasn't already being that love I feel in my world right now. It was only when I discovered that magnificence in myself that I drew that magnificent being to me. Hm...

So, what does that say about my previous relationships? They too were mirrors of myself -- the me I was at each point of my life where the previous men participated.

And, what does it say about my own growth to have this man now? I'm in awe of the weight of that question. I'm in awe of the evolvement I've gone through since deciding to be single. I'm in awe.

This morning I had a bikini wax in preparation for my upcoming romantic weekend with my guy, and though there were definite painful moments, there was also this sense of quiet euphoria. It's still here. I went to Watters Creek outdoor shopping area afterwards, sitting outside on a stone patio by the landscaped creek with ducks flying over the water, listening to piped-in jazz, and sipping coffee. I noticed how brilliantly green the leaves were on all the trees. Watching them wave in the breeze was like the silent applause the deaf use with their own hands. It felt as if I too was getting a standing ovation, silent applause filtering through the limbs and I felt waves of adulation cascading over me and I knew, I just knew, that this was the realness of being the dreamer, of knowing what it was like to assemble my world just to my liking. I watched the Porsches drive by knowing they were there for my own enjoyment. The shoppers holding all their packages were buying for me. The breeze that ruffled the canopy overhead cooled me knowing I needed it just then.

And then I realized what all must've gone into this dream to make it happen just like that. All the different players had to do just what they did so that I would land right there on Teak furniture outside a closed Starbuck's on a stone patio surrounded by jazz and Porsches and shoppers. It all came together just for me. I showed up today to witness what had been orchestrated just for my viewing pleasure, but this time I was conscious of it all. It might've felt like air going up my nose and tasted like coffee going down my throat, but I knew it was only love. Nothing but love because that's all there is. I breathed in the love. I swallowed the love. I saw the love, and I knew it was there just for my own experience. I showed up today and witnessed love's great performance.

When I got home a package was waiting for me from my guy. He had bought me some new clothes to wear this weekend with him. I tried each piece on and marvelled at how beautiful I looked, how altered I was because someone, a man who loves me, bought me clothes to feel good in. I felt like royalty. I feel like royalty. Just when I tried on the last piece, he called me. He was seeing how I was doing after my bikini wax. I told him I had a masterpiece in my underwear, and I thanked him profusely for my gifts, letting him know that no man has ever treated me this special before. I told him I felt the love in what he was doing. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and overflowing in happiness. He told me it had nothing to do with him. It was all of my own making. I had attracted it all into my life myself.

At that moment I fell in love with this man again.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Is this a dream?

I've been working like a crazy person learning a new internet marketing program at the expense of all outside stimuli, and some inside ones like sleeping and eating. For whatever reason, yesterday evening I sat still on the couch. Suddenly I saw and felt waves of energy that were so thick they were palpable. I could "see" how everything around me was just energy waves undulating in rhythmic patterns flowing around me and through me. I had the most astounding visual of how we really are connected to everything we desire. I actually saw how the law of attraction works. I saw the offer waves I put out resonating with echo waves that formed interference patterns right before me, and everything I ever desired was always just right there, but since my attention had previously been elsewhere I could never see any of it until last night. I could reach out and feel the waves. I could see how my hand was just a light flowing through it all until an interference pattern was formed, and then poof! there was my flesh-covered hand. Amazing...

James Arthur Ray has been teaching this. I took his workshop on lucid dreaming last month, and last night it came together in such a beautiful way. It was visible and tangible to me. It was no longer just theory. It made sense. And the first "thought" that appeared was: this is the key to the kingdom. It's the moments where we're truly connected in a conscious way that brings to us what we want, not the jumping from one activity to another in a frantic pace.

Late last night instead of staying up on the computer, I went to bed and immersed myself in this energy. I laid there and felt it. I saw the workings of it. I saw my part in it. I felt the source. I mean I FELT it.

I must've fallen asleep, been in an altered state, or whatever, when a friend called me. When he began talking to me, I was listening to his words and felt his presence in the room. It felt as though he had always been there even though he was in another state. The more he talked, the more I realized that his experiences were mine. I saw no space between us. His words came out of my mouth. His thoughts were in my head. When my hand moved, it was his. I knew what he was going to say before he said it. I even said the same words that others had told him earlier that day. He told me experiences that I too had had in exactly the same way.

I knew he had always been with me as long as there has been a me. I heard his voice. I felt his touch, and I knew that there was no difference between him and me. We are one and always have been. There's never been anything else.

That's when I discovered what love really is. It is everything. There's nothing else but this infinite capacity to love because we are nothing but that. I felt for this man the most tranquilizing love that radiated from him to me enveloping us as one dynamic light. By loving him, I embraced all in me. I said yes to me when I opened my heart to him.

I don't know where this relationship is going. I do know that, besides my daughter, I've never felt this way about anyone, including myself. I know that this love that has erupted is genuine and everlasting no matter what it looks like in this dream called life. I know that right here and right now in this only moment that by loving this man so deeply, that I also love the deepest part of who I am because he and I are one.

In a few days we will be together physically, and truly I feel it is my obligation to the world to tell everyone to strap on their seatbelts because the love we express between us will absolutely rock the planet. It can do nothing less.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Life is but a dream -- again

I had a little exchange on FB yesterday that I thought was fascinating. It was with a man I met at a metaphysical party. This is a man who knows and sees the world as it really is -- waves of energy that we conform into our own experiences. Yet, yesterday he went on FB boo-hooing about his heart being broken because of failed expectations. Someone else didn't live up to what he thought they would. I realized that those crazy expectations have always been at the root of my own discontent. People don't need to live up to my expectations. Who am I to dictate how someone else should act? got me to thinking how beautifully the universe gave me the experience to see what was in me that needed some tweaking. Thank you, Daniel, for playing your part. You did it beautifully. What an amazing ballet this dance called life is.

And that's all it is. It's just a dance of energies.

Yesterday morning I got a message from Abraham/Hicks about -- well, I'll just copy and paste it here, because there's no way I can paraphrase it and still get the magnificence of the meaning across.

"When you croak, Oh, you'll be abundant. You say - Then I'll hardly need the money to pay the rent will I? (laughter). And we say it is energetic anyway, you see. Stop counting it as money in your bank account and start counting it as emotion in your belly.

Start counting it as vibrational alignment. Start spending the real stuff of the universe.

Spend the thought, spend the clarity, spend the vibration. Come in alignment with the energy that creates worlds. This is energy that creates worlds that we are talking about. It is much much bigger than what you call your economy."

This is how I feel about my own life now that I'm immersed in the internet. I'm creating worlds. As a writer I always felt that. My characters spoke to me constantly. I saw their homes, their towns, and their friends. I lived there with them as the books were being written. Sometimes they still remind me that they're still here.

As an artist I would get images in my head of what needed to be expressed in fabric and paint and while working on the pieces I'd know who was sending me the ideas. It was never anyone I knew in the physical world.

So, I've looked at the dichotomy of my physical/intangible worlds here and realized just how much more magnificent and rich the intangible one is. Everything is at my command. The bank account is really in the universe, the energy that I'm connected to, not in a building. And what really is a bank account besides dots of ink on paper when it shows up in the mail? There's no little vault in a bank building with my name attached to it, saying that this is my money sitting in here. There's nothing but my information on computer screens in banks around the world. That's all it is. We trust day after day that when we drive up to the bank we will get what their pieces of paper says belongs to us. But lately, that's not so sure either.

What is real? What is the same for us all? What do each of us sees that's identical to everyone else's sight? Is there anything at all? And we get upset when others don't agree with us. Why should they? They live in their own world, not ours. They're here just for a moment to interact with us, so we can rearrange our own dreams to fit into a perception that works for us. And then something else happens and our perceptions spring leaks. We can see the flaws in those misconceptions too.

It's all just energy. Energy that flows in waves. It's never the same. It never stops moving. Then why do we think -- ever -- that things will be what we think they are? Our thoughts are just the masses of what we form after perceiving our own what ises. And then we discover what we thought was is, is not. Oops, there it goes again, like a helium-filled balloon in the breeze. It's not meant to stay. Change is constant. Truth is undulating patterns of perception. There is no black and white. There is only gray. By the time I finish this draft, my perceptions will be tested again, and found to not be true again.

So, why not just be? Why not stop the madness of perceiving anything as I think it should be? Because the madness is why I came here. Home is blissful all the time. I chose manic craziness. I chose amnesia upon my return here. What was I thinking? I was thinking from a whole different perspective apparently -- the one that I was always safe and loved and provided for, that nothing, absolutely nothing could be harmful and all was perfectly in alignment with my source. That's where I came from, and when I arrived here, I forgot all of it. And now on this journey, I'm slowly remembering. I'm remembering who I really am, and what an illusion it all is. It is truly just a dream -- over and over and over.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Grab the popcorn and watch the show...

It seems forever since I last wrote a word in here. I've been engrossed in internet marketing and sex. I've been reading every email and blog about blogs. I've been listening on the phone while a friend tells me what he wants to do to me the next time we see each other. Somehow or another, the two have become intertwined and I see blogging as orgasmic. Hm... Or, is sex another form of internet marketing? How sexy can internet marketing be anyway? Think about that one the next time you're writing an article or a blog. Think about how juiced you could possibly get while focusing on driving traffic to a website.

Of course, knowing that someone is thinking about me right now while I write this also puts a different spin on the writing process. I'm not just thinking with my head. Can women do that? Can we have more than one head? Something to consider when your crotch directs your thoughts...

He's in another state working away, talking to clients, making phone calls, answering emails, writing up invoices and estimates, and driving his truck all the while thinking of how he's planning on ravaging me upon arriving in my town soon. He loves to call me and tell me what he's going to do when I come into the hotel lobby wearing the dress he bought me.

I was watching a YouTube video produced by the Leap! people about how we are all connected. Using a black dot with a white background, they show how there is nothing we are not connected to, how we are everything. So, using that line of thinking when my friend does his play-by-play action of what we will do together how exactly does it affect me? And if we are all connected, is it not me doing the thinking also? Is it not me conjuring up the fantasies and creating the sexual tension in both of us? And that would mean that the both of us is just one of us. That his fantasies are mine, that his desire for me is mine also. That his loving me is my loving myself, and my loving him is just one monstrous lovefest all around.

And -- if we're all connected, then when we conjure up these visions of how we are going to treat each other and we vibrate at that level of excitement, how does it alter the energy in the world? How does it affect people who resonate with that vibration?

I spent a week with James Arthur Ray learning about the world as an illusion. I see the world of the physical as waves of energy that I create with those who choose to participate with me. I create a dream where the actors and I have made agreements on how we are going to teach each other the lessons we are here to learn. I live this dream in full knowledge that those around me are only playing their roles, that they are truly bigger than they appear, and that the body suits they wear are only their costumes.

This thing we call life is only a play, a movie that we direct either consciously or unconsciously. And with this man in my life it has become so much more fun, more juicy, and more alive.

And if we are all connected, hasn't he always been here?