Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Porsches, Starbucks, and dreams

I've been having extraordinary days. They all seem to run together into one magnificent moment. Today I wondered if the reason my days were like this was because of the way I feel about a certain man in my life. Would it be possible for me to feel this extraordinary, this much in love with my life if he weren't in it? And an answer came to me. Drum roll please... This is big, hope you're sitting down. Here it comes:

I could not have had this man in my life if I wasn't already being that love I feel in my world right now. It was only when I discovered that magnificence in myself that I drew that magnificent being to me. Hm...

So, what does that say about my previous relationships? They too were mirrors of myself -- the me I was at each point of my life where the previous men participated.

And, what does it say about my own growth to have this man now? I'm in awe of the weight of that question. I'm in awe of the evolvement I've gone through since deciding to be single. I'm in awe.

This morning I had a bikini wax in preparation for my upcoming romantic weekend with my guy, and though there were definite painful moments, there was also this sense of quiet euphoria. It's still here. I went to Watters Creek outdoor shopping area afterwards, sitting outside on a stone patio by the landscaped creek with ducks flying over the water, listening to piped-in jazz, and sipping coffee. I noticed how brilliantly green the leaves were on all the trees. Watching them wave in the breeze was like the silent applause the deaf use with their own hands. It felt as if I too was getting a standing ovation, silent applause filtering through the limbs and I felt waves of adulation cascading over me and I knew, I just knew, that this was the realness of being the dreamer, of knowing what it was like to assemble my world just to my liking. I watched the Porsches drive by knowing they were there for my own enjoyment. The shoppers holding all their packages were buying for me. The breeze that ruffled the canopy overhead cooled me knowing I needed it just then.

And then I realized what all must've gone into this dream to make it happen just like that. All the different players had to do just what they did so that I would land right there on Teak furniture outside a closed Starbuck's on a stone patio surrounded by jazz and Porsches and shoppers. It all came together just for me. I showed up today to witness what had been orchestrated just for my viewing pleasure, but this time I was conscious of it all. It might've felt like air going up my nose and tasted like coffee going down my throat, but I knew it was only love. Nothing but love because that's all there is. I breathed in the love. I swallowed the love. I saw the love, and I knew it was there just for my own experience. I showed up today and witnessed love's great performance.

When I got home a package was waiting for me from my guy. He had bought me some new clothes to wear this weekend with him. I tried each piece on and marvelled at how beautiful I looked, how altered I was because someone, a man who loves me, bought me clothes to feel good in. I felt like royalty. I feel like royalty. Just when I tried on the last piece, he called me. He was seeing how I was doing after my bikini wax. I told him I had a masterpiece in my underwear, and I thanked him profusely for my gifts, letting him know that no man has ever treated me this special before. I told him I felt the love in what he was doing. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and overflowing in happiness. He told me it had nothing to do with him. It was all of my own making. I had attracted it all into my life myself.

At that moment I fell in love with this man again.

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