Sunday, October 31, 2010

almost ready

Tammy and I have just completed our first week in Taos even though we didn't move here until last Tuesday, we've been here longer. I have one thing to say about it. Oh sweet baby jesus, it was the hardest week of my life. Everything it seemed that could come up for me did. When I saw Tammy last night I told her I was ready to press the escape button. I was done with being here on planet earth. I'm not sure if I've ever felt that way before. Shit from lifetimes surfaced and reared their ugly heads before releasing, and then the next thing would come up, and the next thing. Ooooohhh, I was so ready to check out completely. I was so ready to be done with this thing called life on planet earth. I couldn't even escape it by closing my eyes and going to sleep because my dreams were vivid visions filled with movies of my lives and information coming through.

Enough! I told Tammy last night that I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted the visions to stop. I wanted all the information to come to a halt. I just wanted to lay my head on the pillow and close my eyes and have nothing flash before me. I wanted peace. I just wanted peace.

Today was a brand new day. I lived in peace today. I laughed easily today. Tammy and I talked about all the stuff that came up for me this past week, stuff I truly thought was long gone. Ha! Then I played a great trick on myself. I dated a chiropractor!! Smart move. Really smart move. Shit loads from my former chiropractor husband vommitted up. Oh man, did I work through some barrels of garbage from that relationship. And that was just one thing that came up for me last week.

Tammy told me that this week the great stuff will be coming through because we released the crap that doesn't work for us anymore. We've made room for the cool stuff now. Please, God, let her be right. I am so ready for a reprieve.

I've had several people tell me that the mountain in Taos will do one of two things to you. It will either embrace you or spit you out. Well, I think in my first week here I got embraced really tightly and maybe a little abrasively too, but I certainly don't feel like I've been spit out. I'm discovering the power of healing here. I live in one of the most amazing vortexes I've ever experienced. I know there will be more releasing, more vommitting up old crap, and plenty of experiences that will make me want to phone the mothership for quick pick up. However, if I'm not going to cleanse myself here and now, just when will I do it?

I made the intention of living my life in true authenticity. The universe is honoring that, and today I appreciate it. I've had fascinating experiences today that have helped me clarify what I want in my life even more, and I'm grateful. My chiropractor friend told me he wanted to do some "work" on himself and cool things between us. Aaaahhhhh... the relief that flooded me was palpable. I do not have the energy or the time right now to devote to a relationship with a man. I so want to focus on me and how best I can serve this community right now. I'm brand new today. I'm not grown up enough yet to be in a relationship with a lover. I want my freedom to go where I want without having to check with someone else. I want some more time on my own. I want to feel more sure-footed in my new skin. I've been through so much this past week that getting out of bed today was outstanding.

I want to try myself on for awhile. I want to walk around a bit in my new feet. I just want to smell the air with my new nose. I just want to be for awhile, and when that special someone shows up, then I'll be ready. I'm just not ready yet.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

show up and shut up

This morning I had just sat down at the dining room table with my hot coffee and watched the balloons rise over the houses. I was minding my own business, enjoying a nice quiet morning to myself when all of a sudden I couldn't sit still any longer. There's a birthing center down the road from me, and I felt the need to get up immediately and talk to someone there about my past job experiences of running health care facilities.

So, without finishing my coffee, brushing my teeth or washing my face, I hoof it over to them, walk in, and spill my story. Now, I have to hand it to the three women who came out to the front desk to hear me. They didn't flinch when the woman sitting down looked up at me and said, "So are you wanting to be a receptionist?"

Without hesitation, I said of course. Now in all honesty, that was the furthest thing from my mind until that moment. She told me that she had taken another position and was not able to fill hers there at the center so she was going to be leaving them without someone at the front desk. She wanted to know how soon I would be able to start.

Let's get this straight. I moved to Taos on Tuesday because why? Well, because it felt right. I found a house to move into, and it just happens to be within walking distance of this business. The man I was dating while living in Santa Fe has close ties to the house I now live in and the birthing center. He also lives right down the street.

Upon coming to Taos I realized that everything I had ever asked for, desired, contemplated on, and wished for was swirled around in a pot of what? It felt as if everything I had ever wanted was a big conglomeration of whatever just showed up. This feeling released me from anything needing to be a certain way. I did not feel it necessary to show up as an energy therapist, as a girlfriend of this chiropractor's, or as a business associate of Tammy's. I just felt the need to show up and shut up, to be totally open to however anything unfolded. I see now how I could have never guessed any of this. I see now how something so much bigger than I could ever imagine is playing out, and any judgments I could possibly have on anything or anyone is so far out in left field that it's not even worth imagining. Nothing in my past is helpful at this point. I have no references for how to live like this. Everything is a possibility. Anyone could be in my life at this point. All labels must be thrown away. Everything begins anew right now.

While working on packaging Tammy's chocolate truffles in the kitchen, we both felt a presence. Then we felt a whole lot of presences. The house was full. The chills were running through both of us, and it felt very crowded all of a sudden. The information that was relayed was just wild, and while listening I was playing a movie in my head of everything I've ever gone through in my life that had led to this moment. I was flabbergasted at how every single thing, every word spoken, every person in my life played such a significant role to get me right here right now.

I am blown away by all of it. The significance I've placed on anything in my life seems so trivial and crazy right now. I think of the... oh, it just doesn't matter. None of it matters.

I am here right now, and it seems it's a place I've been waiting for all my life. I'm meeting people who've just arrived as I have, and it feels as if I've known them forever. I'm meeting soul sisters by the handfuls. We all have similar stories, lived in the same places, and are here together now.

There is something deep within that knows what's going on. There is a peaceful feeling to all of this. I know. I just know. I am here for something so much bigger than I could've even thought possible. So, I just do what I'm inclined to do. The nudgings aren't really nudgings anymore as much as they are shovings -- kicking my ass out the door. There's no second guessing, just a quiet knowing what to do next, and every time I meet someone new I see another piece to this puzzle fitting into place. Every day I wake up to a new me, a new experience of what I am to do, where I am to show up, and just how quickly I am to close my mouth.

Ah... show up and shut up. What a way to live.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

chop wood, carry water

For the first time I'm alone in the house. There's embers glowing in the fireplace. The mobile on the front porch is still. Coffee's brewed, and a raven flew past the window. I hear the humming of the refrigerator and the keys on the computer, and that's it. Silence otherwise. I've been chatting with a friend of mine who's in Aspen til Friday. I just saw a video on Facebook of Jimmy Stewart reading a poem he wrote about his dog named Beau. Back in 1975 I went to visit Aspen and stayed with a college friend who had a dog named Beau. I still have a picture of Beau. Got to love that dog for the weekend, and have gotten to love his owner for years.

I went to Aspen for many reasons that weekend, one of them was to see John Denver. I did see him, and then in 2006 I met and worked with someone who had been a very good friend of his, and he was the one I had been chatting with this morning.

I've always had a love relationship with Aspen, and to be able to hear about the goings-on this morning was priceless. I could see the mountains, the snow, the highway down the Roaring Fork Valley, the brick pedestrian mall...

Aspen, my dream winter wonderland. I used to go there when I couldn't take my life anymore. I would drive to Aspen/Snowmass for a reprieve, and then be able to go back to what I left behind until I could go back no longer. I thought I'd move to Snowmass after living so long in Boulder county, but instead ended up in the northwest part of the state. Interestingly enough, I did end up going to Aspen several times to work with my employer. I met new people and fell in love with it all over again.

Will I be going back again? Who knows? I never thought I'd end up in New Mexico either.

I chop wood, carry water now. I just be. This is home for now. This feels right, right now. The ability to chop wood and carry water is exhilarating really. It moves me, literally. I move, and I accept whatever's on my plate at the moment. I am so grateful for whatever shows up because whatever it is, I know it is more than I could've imagined.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

back in the Rockies again


I'm watching the porch mobile outside the kitchen window swing in the breeze. Around and around and around. Right underneath it are two mountain peaks still dusted with gold aspens. If I turn to my right and look out that window I see more peaks, more gold leaves, sagebrush and adobe buildings. The landscaping around this house we're staying in has the most diverse flowers, trees, and bushes I've seen in a long time. I don't know what all of them are, but every time I look outside they seem to be talking to me, telling me to make them into something. The dried flowers turn into heads, twigs into legs, sage into skirts. I can't help myself. I went out and bought glue just so I could make them come to life.

close up of Alice's glam

I've posted a couple of shots of Alice so far. I don't think she's dolled up enough, but it's a start. Alice can't keep herself from dancing. She reminds me of Tammy in the grocery store with her earbuds in. Her body is jiving to tunes no one else hears, but she's having a great time. And now that's Alice. Even though she's lying on top of a box with the other creatures I've been working on, she can't stop moving. I find dustings of sage and yarrow on the floor, and I know it's from her inability to keep still.

All the bushes and flowers outside are swinging and swaying. The wind chimes are whipping around. There's movement everywhere around me, and I'm alone in the house, but the last thing I feel is alone. I feel warmth and excitement and sizzling energy. Something's cooking over here, and I feel it. The mobile outside the window twists and turns. The chimes swing back and forth under the porch. There's sparks in the air from so much movement. I sit at my laptop feeling the surges of whatever this is going on around me. I anticipate something without knowing what it is. It's like Christmas morning as a kid when you know, you absolutely know that there's so much waiting for you under the tree. You've been eyeballing those packages for days. You've been shaking them, feeling them, and sliding the tape just a little to get an inside peek at the lettering on the boxes, and now... Yes, right now the only thing that's keeping you from finding out what's in those boxes is the length of time it takes for you to get from where you are to where they are. The anticipation is mounting. Your heart beat s faster. Your imagination goes wild with pictures of every single thing you've ever asked for, until boom! You're under the tree grabbing the first package you can, ripping open the paper without even looking at it until you see the box, until you can open that sucker with wild abandonment and peer inside. The happiness, the joy, the thrill is enough to make you explode. You got just what you wanted...

That's how I feel right now. There's something in the air that thrills me with such great anticipation that I think I'm going to explode with excitement, and I don't even know what it is. But I feel it. I taste it. I smell it. Something's on the verge of popping into our lives with such great joy. We'll finally be able to open that package, and realize what's inside. I'll guarantee you one thing, it'll be better than we could ever

the icing on my cake

My first full day in Taos was today. I worked at a store that now has my artwork hanging, and then I volunteered with Tammy handing out Free Trade literature and chocolates at a Halloween event. First day in town and on my feet all day, meeting new people and spending time with friends. And speaking of friends, we stopped by a store owned by someone we recently met in town and looked at all that she's selling. Not only that, she had quite a bit of her own artwork for sale. The once Ms. Corporate America chucked it all for a life doing what she loves. The same goes for the two people who also have products in the store where I worked this morning. The women on either side of this store do the same. I am here in Taos surrounded by artists.

Finally, Tammy and I made our way over to a coffee shop where we talked to the barista, who we'd met before and knew him to be a massage therapist. Well, today we found out in between cups of coffee that he also carves beautiful figures out of stone. Then he introduces us to the man sitting to my right, who happened to also be a stone carver. Then, in walked a man who supplies them with a lot of their stone. Again, here I was surrounded by artists. The stone collector said he'd never had a job in his life. He only did what he loved.

I've never been in a community of people before that followed their dreams so religiously. This is common practice here. The desire for material things doesn't exist with these people. Simplicity and joy in what they're doing is everything. A good day starts sitting at the coffee shop first thing in the morning philosophising and slowing down. We were asked to join them in the morning because "women were needed -- too many men."

These are people who have few time constraints, a whole lot of dreaming going on, and excited creativity brewing. Wow! I found home.

Another thing I find fascinating is that none of these people drink. They don't hang out in bars. Instead they're in coffee shops, their stores, or their studios. I'm rather taken with this whole concept. They absolutely love what they do with their time. They're happy and open with others. I can't tell you how many people I now call my friends here in Taos, and last night was my first night to spend here.

We're staying in a beautiful home, luxurious in fact. The man who owns it is out of town. He left his key with the person I worked with today, and he met Tammy and I just last Wednesday. We spent maybe a couple of hours together and then he offered us his house. Welcome home, Jill and Tammy. Welcome home indeed.

And then there's the men we've met. I met my guy about a month ago, and now he lives down the street from me here in Taos. Honest to God, the nicest man I've ever met. I didn't think much of a sustainable relationship with him, because it hasn't felt like anything I've ever had before -- no fireworks, no craziness, no longing, no needing anything from each other. Just this amazing comfortable, lovely feeling when I'm with him or when I think about him. We went out last night. We christened my new place, and this morning while I was working, he came to see me. I just looked up from the front desk and saw him walk through the door. I didn't know I could smile so broadly. I also had this little blip that flashed through my head -- I saw us doing this years down the road. Nice...

Now, Tammy and I are looking at opening a storefront of our own while still having my artwork in two different stores right now, and running businesses on the internet. We're also writing articles, putting together book material, and creating product line for the new store.

A lot has happened since I first met Tammy last June. We are not the same people, not even close. We're much calmer, more sure of what we want, and determined to get it, no matter what. And magically, the people and circumstances keep appearing. Over and over and over. Yes, we get discouraged. Yes, we get overwhelmed. And, yes, many times we've thought of throwing in the towel and just getting jobs. Then we moved to Taos and were met by so many people who have done exactly what it is we set out to do. Their joy is palpable. Their lives are simple and fun and full of friends. Sitting with them this evening made me more sure that this is what I want, this is where I want to do it, and to have Tammy and my guy with me is truly the best icing on this girl's cake!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

in gratitude for you

I don't awake a new person each morning as much as shedding the old and worn out and becoming more of who I really am. Every day I feel closer to the magnificence within. It's as if I shed layers of clothing that are now too big and bulky and the next layer of clothes shines through.

I feel myself propelling forward so quickly that I'm no longer able to speak the same language. I hear others' words that I used to understand, and now they are just words. I am the dreamer in my dream. I get to play with the words, the sounds, the images around me and put them where I will. I open my heart and feel the pull towards me, like a strong magnet of mammoth proportions, exactly what I want. When I say "exactly" I mean exactly what my intention is, not necessarily what I "see" in my mind's eye. What shows up is far beyond what I could've seen. It's larger than my imagination allows.

I feel as if I can whisk my way through this dream, and dream it the way I desire. I can paint it with the finest of oils. I can play the most melodious and brilliant tunes to create an album worth listening to and be able to watch the notes turn into my highest possibilities. I am the maestro of my own orchestra, and the symphony is glorious.

I painted the sky this morning with the most sensual shade of cerulean. I threaded the clouds with the creamiest texture of whiteness. This is my universe. This is my creation this morning. I sink into this knowingness and become peace. In this place of calm I feel the rest of my canvas being filled with those things, people, and situations that are best for me. I feel their pull as if they've been waiting eons for me to realize this magic within me and become the magnet to draw them in. I see the faces of those waiting for me. "We don't care what took you so long. We're just so happy you're finally here," they seem to tell me. I don't have to ask who they are because I feel their hearts and know them well.

Every day there's less need for me to speak. My words are more potent in silence. My words limit what my energy reveals. This energy draws me toward people who are being drawn to me. Without saying much we know we are here to play in this world together now. We can look in the eyes and know. We can feel with our hearts and know. We know we are here for each other, with each other, and because of each other. It's a glorious movie to watch. The twists and turns become fluid and sweet and calming. The knowledge that everything is as it should be allows me the ability to feel my way forward. I trust implicitly. I love unconditionally, and the colors I see with my vision make up the most brilliant souls who have come to play with me. I am in awe, and I am in so much love.

I can look back on my life, and without recognizing the part played by me, I can see how every person, every situation helped transform me into who I am today. The vastness of experiences in the last 4 years have been the most exponential changes I've ever gone through. I am so grateful to every single person who has joined me on this journey. I am grateful to every word they spoke to me and every action they took whether I felt the love in it then or not. It is because of those feelings that arose in me during all the parts played in my life that I have finally arrived here at this moment.

And, in this moment I am more than I've ever shown myself to be in any lifetime. I know who I am right now. I know with such clarity that it humbles me to be me. I bow my head in such gratitude for the love I live in, for the love that I am. Thank you to every single being who has played with me, and especially to the ones that are showing up now. I wrap myself in your divinity and we live in the oneness that is. Thank you so much.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


I awoke this morning in the midst of one of the most extraordinary dreams of my life, and it involved a mammoth butterfly. I saw it as separate from me, and also saw it as me. I ventured upon a site just now that gave me some insight into the symbolism.

It’s connection with the soul is rather fitting. We are all on a long journey of the soul. On this journey we encounter endless turns, shifts, and conditions that cause us to morph into ever-finer beings. At our soul-journey’s end we are inevitably changed – not at all the same as when we started on the path.

To take this analogy a step further, we can look again to the grace and eloquence of the butterfly and realize that our journey is our only guarantee. Our responsibility to make our way in faith, accept the change that comes, and emerge from our transitions as brilliantly as the butterfly.

Avia Venefica, the author of this site also talks about how the butterfly's metamorphosis is only one month long, and if we humans changed that drastically in one month where we are no longer recognizable to what we once were, what an amazing transition. Yet, this is just what I feel I've gone through. Yeah, there's still some remnants of the old Jill hanging around, but mostly it's this new being that I don't even recognize. I asked for this, I tell myself daily. I asked for this. I wanted to show up in this world as I really am, so here it is. My only responsibility is to make my way in faith, accept the change that comes, and emerge from my transitions as brilliantly as the butterfly.

Well now, Avia sure wrote those words simply and beautifuly enough, and now to live it. Now to live in total faith without questioning, without the mental chatter, to be able to awake in the morning with total peace knowing that whatever happens is exactly as it should be without any of the fretting and stress.

Acceptance and emergence... hm, I watched that butterfly in my dreams fly effortlessly, landing on tree limbs and watching me. And then I became the butterfly that was able to fly just as effortlessly. It was as if my vision shifted from the spectator to the participant. Just like that. Poof! I went from the one watching the transformation to the one being transformed. I emerged as the butterfly, and was tethered to nothing. I flew freely with no cares in the world. Acceptance and emergence...

What if that's all there is to do? Become the butterfly? Transform from the observer to the participant and back to the observer whenever I want? What if that's the only transition there really is? Being able to watch myself in a movie and then being able to play that actor, and then presto! back to the viewer...

When I was going through past-life regression sessions, and it would get too difficult for me to be in those past lives, my shaman would whisk me into the watching of the movie instead of being in the movie. I was able to see what happened to me without any emotion. I was able to see what had happened and learn from it instead of getting caught up in it. It had no charge for me. It just was an incident, and I could look at it. I could study it as I would have a history book for an exam. What did I learn from this? Who was the one speaking? Where was this taking me? All these questions could be answered easily without any triggers to my emotions. I was calm as I watched myself being murdered because I was not dying. I learned I couldn't die. I was transformed. I could fly above it all and watch the men sweating while they chopped at me with their weapons. I could only laugh. I was fine. I had no pain. They were the ones struggling. They were the ones in pain. They were the ones who were blinded by their beliefs. I flew above them and laughed at their silliness.

I feel I've been led to believe so much in this life that is false. It seems to me that just about everything has been an illusion. Every day more and more gets stripped, and what is real is exposed. As Tom Crum taught me, I'm dancing on shifting carpet. What is real? What is really behind that curtain?

It seems senseless to me to get caught up in anything right now. What other people think, what they want from me... it's all just noise in my head. I obliterate it and emerge.

Monday, October 18, 2010

whatever is

I am discovering more and more that I know less and less. I’m discovering that what I think is true one moment is utterly false the next. So, when I was taught “to speak my truth” I’m not sure anymore what that could possibly be.

I’m immersed in the energy of this beautiful Native man whose philosophy is “whatever is.” Whatever is right now is whatever is. There’s no past or future to talk about really because it’s all about whatever is. And whatever is I’m discovering is malleable, so much so that it morphs into something different immediately sometimes.

While in the shower yesterday morning, I was awash with this feeling of the universe being as fluid as the water pouring over me. The words I’d been told, the people in my life just formed waves of colors around me and through me. There was nothing else but this fabric of colors. There was nothing good or bad, nothing that had to be done or said. I became quieter, inwardly calm, pulled back from the noise of the world. And still I feel as though it was my heart removed in The Last of the Mohicans, and then replaced with a newer one, one that feels clearer, one with less baggage attached.

I don’t know how many times I wish there were words for what it is I want to say. I have a degree in English. I’ve written a novel. I speak and write every single day. You’d think I’d know words for my feelings, but I’m discovering that what I’m going through is indescribable. How do I put words to the experience I had in the shower? How do I put words to how it feels when I think about this wonderful man I’ve been seeing? How do I describe how different I am every single day? This experience has been mind-blowing. I remember asking for a manual so I knew how to do this thing called life, and what I’m realizing is that my friend had it right all along – be with whatever is. In that place there are no crazy thoughts rolling around in my head. It’s just being. It’s just being okay with all because I know it’s perfect just as it is. There’s no need for crazy-making because in that beingness there are no wrong paths, no misconstrued detours. Everything is just the way it is – perfect and complete.

So, back to the shower… I knew there was something different after I had that experience. I knew I was different. I feel less inclined to participate in loud conversation. I enjoy quiet, solitude, peace, tranquility. It’s in the silence that I hear the most.

I was supposed to see my friend yesterday when we got done with all of our errands in Taos, but he let me know that he was going to be busy all day. At that moment I felt this rush of energy go through me as if I’d been shot with a tranquilizer gun. I just sat with it and breathed deeply, watching the scenery as we drove.

What I wonder is if our energies merge in a way that both of us feel it, or is it just me? The reason he couldn’t meet me was because he was doing something very spiritual, and upon reading his text to me, I immediately went into a holy realm deep within me. I might’ve participated in conversations and walked through the town, but there was this peaceful warmth that I was wrapped up in.

I don’t know if this energy is from this man, this town, or the experiences I’m going through. What I know for sure is that when I’m with him, I’m calm. I’m peaceful. I’m everything and all. I’m enough. I just am. And then, I have that same feeling when it seems to me our energies merge. I feel it more every day. I don’t know what to call it, or even if a word exists for it. Sometimes I’ll notice how differently I feel, how things just don’t affect me like they used to, and it’ll remind me of him. Can that be possible? Can it be possible for one person to “rub off” onto another like that?
This is how I feel. It’s tranquility at its deepest. I go within and surrender. There’s nothing else to do at the moment.

"...I salute the light in your eyes where the Universe dwells. When you are at the center in you, and I'm at that place within me, we shall be one."-- Crazy Horse

Saturday, October 16, 2010

our house

Power of Decisions is a video I was sent on Facebook that illustrates what it is I'm talking about in this post. Kidest is the speaker, and a woman so wise beyond her years. I highly recommend you taking a look at her blogs and listening to this video. I found it very powerful, and it's exactly what Tammy and I did yesterday. Read the rest of the post and see what happened and is still happening...

Yesterday Tammy and I had the intention of going to Taos to look at a house we had our eye on. I found the listing and the pictures on the internet and we both fell in love with what we saw. I just knew that was our house. I pictured us there, doing dishes in that sink, making salads on that counter, and enjoying our friends at that dining room table.

When it came time to set a time and get directions to the place, the owner let me know that she’d already rented it. When I put down the phone, my first and only thought was: no, she didn’t. In the meantime, I set another appointment for us to see another house.

Driving to Taos I just basked in the knowledge that all was working out perfectly, no matter what it looked like. No matter what. No second guessing. No trying to figure anything out. Just relax into the moment. I was sitting in that car, riding through the mountains just higher than a kite because I was feeling the love, baby.

When we finally arrived at Linda’s little place out in the country, I hated it. I looked around, and I said no way, no way. Not for me, missy.

Next stop, the plaza. Tammy parked in a parking lot that we really weren’t planning on going into, and the first shop we walked to was a business where Tammy had met the owner years ago, and the owner wanted to work with her. Turned out the owner was still interested. While Tammy was talking with her, I wandered down the pedestrian walkway a bit until I came across a fabric shop. As I was walking up the steps, my phone rang. It was the woman who owned the original house we wanted. She asked if we’d still be interested in seeing the place, because the renters backed out. After making business arrangements with two other shop owners, we did go see the house. Now, understand I did not have appointments with these people, had never met them before, but they were positioned in my path so prominantly that I would have had to trip over them if I hadn't stopped and talked with them. Boom! Two business deals in the works. Just like that.

And now back to the house -- it comes with a dog, two bedrooms, and two baths. We’d already seen ourselves in that house. We'd already seen our family and friends eating at the table with us, and enjoying the sunsets over the mountains. The patio had furniture and a grill, just what a raw food eater like Tammy could get excited about. However, the men in our lives and I would love a slab of meat cooked over that flame.

After seeing our house, we connected with my lovely friend up there at a coffee shop and were having great fun with him, when another man comes in, sits with us, and the night just flew by.

On the drive home last night, Tammy and I were talking about how easy all those connections were made. When we stepped away from how to make anything happen and just let it evolve, the most beautiful people and situations turned up. We could not have figured out a better solution if we’d put years of thought into it.

We settled in for the night thinking that the surprises were over… Oh, you’d think we’d stop thinking, because then Tammy’s phone rang. It wasn’t until this morning when I got up and talked with her that I found out just how magical that call turned out to be. That’s her story, and I’m not going to tell it, but I just want you to know that when the thoughts disappear, when you allow the feelings of joy to fill you… oh my…

Don’t buy into what you see with your eyes or what you hear with your ears as much as how those things make you feel. If you let your heart lead you in that way, ah… Life is just magical.

I don’t know how we’re going to get the house or when or any other factors. I know that it felt good in that house. I know the dog wants us there. I know the owner wants us there, and there’s nothing else I need to know for the moment. I focus on living there, enjoying being in it, waking up in my bedroom, showering in my bathroom, having my friend sleep over, and fix him coffee in the morning. I see all of that so clearly because I feel how joyful it is for me to be in that home. I feel it. I feel it more than anything else right now. And that’s all that matters. At least for right now.

Friday, October 15, 2010

my heaven

Carlos Nakai is playing in my ears right now, and I'm feeling slushy. Music, certain music, leaves me feeling so pliable that I could be a puddle on the floor while listening to it. That's how I'm feeling right now. My friend introduced me to this, and I remember being at his house after spending the most delicious night with him, wearing his clothes to lounge in and stretched out on his couch while he went to the kitchen for our coffee. His t-shirt was a short dress on me, and I cinched his pj pants quite a bit so they would stay up. He put the speakers on the back of the couch adjusting them to either side of my head, and the flute and drums lulled me. He brought my cup of coffee already altered with my cream and stevia and nestled in beside me. There was never, or has been yet, another moment of such undiluted peace. When I think of perfection, I remember that moment. When I feel utter serenity, it is from the experience of that moment.

Tranquility... the best word I can use to describe my time with him.

Last summer when I began doing energy work again, Tammy had asked me what one word best describes what people get from my sessions, and I said peace. That's why I wanted to do sessions so much. I wanted to be in that peace. I wanted to live in that peace, and the only way I knew how to get it so quickly, to surround myself in it so deliberately was to do sessions. A dear friend and colleague had told me when I first started doing this work that the sessions were only for my ability to get into that energetic space. The energy didn't come to me to do sessions, but to embody that peace, that home-feeling. And now, that's what has happened. I embody that energy without doing sessions. I feel it instantly. I wrap myself in it, and am it. I now feel it going from my heart to the person I'm thinking about or the people around me. It's the most astonishing thing.

One of the major transitions it has caused in my life is that I cannot do life like I used to. I listen to people who live the corporate American way, and I can't fathom their way of life or their way of thinking. They spit out beliefs that they've been taught. Their thinking is so finite, and rigid. I look at them. I listen to their words, and the energy I feel just grows and radiates between us. I don't know if they feel it at all, but it is overwhelmingly beautiful and peaceful to me. I can hear their distinct different ways of life, their insistence that they must have a retirement account, medical benefits, work overtime, bust their humps, and be so very, very grateful after putting in about 100 hours a week for their paycheck because after all, where would they be without it?

Sweet jesus did I do the same thing at one time! There was no way I could possibly see the world than through insurance claims, medical exam forms, patient files, unemployment insurance tax, payroll, bills, bills, and more bills... mortgages, business loans, car loans, school loans... the lists of what to do, the lists that never got completed, the lists that just got longer, the lists that kept me from being, the lists that were my gods... I used to have retirement accounts that I believed in so much that I funded them before giving to me. They were my saints I prayed to -- keep growing and be there when I need you. I remember those big insurance payments that came in the mail that I would deposit in those ever-growing bank accounts. They must've been the gods I worshiped because I thought about them a lot. I relied on them too too much. I insisted on their being my security. I was guaranteed a life of leisure if I kept at it, depositing those funds in those banks, those stocks, those portfolios... Those were my tickets to my dreams, baby. I bought that story hook, line, and sinker. I bought it until there was nothing left of me to buy for.

I gave it all up and walked away. After 32 years with one person, I moved to another town and started over. And what I've learned is that I wasn't done walking away from that which didn't serve me anymore. Everything is energy, and those things from that relationship carried that energy I no longer wanted in my life, so I kept giving it away and leaving it behind, and then walking forward unencumbered. That's when all the old shit really rose to the surface. I didn't have anything to cover it up with. Suddenly my old worn-out beliefs reared their ugly, ugly heads. Dammit, right when I thought I was in the clear too...

So, the month or so that Tammy and I have been here in New Mexico I have been going through so much transformations, as has Tammy, but I'm only speaking for me here. The transitions have been so dramatic it's as if I awake an entirely new person every morning. I feel as if I need to introduce myself to Tammy every morning when we sit at the dining room table with our coffee and laptops. First, though I have to reacquaint myself with me. The night trips, wherever it is I go, have become incredibly adventurous, and the me that awakes is truly in a foreign country. I must relearn the language, the habits, the way of life here, because my "here" has transformed. My "here" is more and more like what I had imagined heaven to be when I was a little girl in my school uniform sitting in front of nuns. Not their heaven, but mine.

Simplicity is another word I've embraced since redoing me. I find I have more energy without taking care of what I used to own. I rely solely on my Source, knowing full well that everything I desire is mine. There is such peace in that knowingness. And when I desire peace first and foremost, it's mine for the basking in whenever I so choose.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

today, still?

I've been sort of here today. This morning was spent on the computer writing like a fiend. Tammy and I have so many projects in the works now, and so many lovely, wonderful things to do together. What's been interesting is that when I got done, pulled out my earbuds where Native American flute music was serenading me, and then looking around the room at Tammy and our laptops, it was a whole new world. I didn't know where I was. I didn't know how long I'd been there. I looked at the dining room table, the neighborhood outside the window, the ravens flying overhead, and at Tammy as if I'd never seen any of it before. I spent the rest of the day with great difficulty just being in my body. It felt as if the real Jill had checked out completely and had already moved to Taos. I was needing to just catch up with her.

After "struggling" to be aware of my surroundings all day, I'm so wiped out because so much was released today -- old beliefs, nonsense about myself, relationships with money and men. Just old crap that hasn't served me. Boom. Gone. And now I'm spent. I had dinner, took a shower and have been in bed typing on the computer and listening to my Native American flute music.

We're headed to Taos in the morning. I told Tammy tonight that after our little over a month stay here in Santa Fe we have gone through more transformations than in all of our lifetimes. I don't even recognize the woman I was before coming here. Now, it's time to celebrate. Now, it's time to kick up our heels a bit and enjoy the new Tammy and Jill Show. It's been a roller coaster ride these past few weeks, and it's time to commemorate us, our willingness to go down the paths we've chosen, to do the things in life most don't do, and the amazing growth and expansion that has occurred because of it.

fifth yourself

How difficult can it be to have faith in yourself, to believe in you instead of believing in symbols? You can put your faith in scientific theories, in so many religions, opinions, and points of view, but this is not real faith. Faith in yourself is the real faith. Real faith is to trust yourself unconditionally, because you know what you really are, and what you really are is the truth. -- Ruiz by way of Marilyn Brown on Facebook

I've been going back and forth in my head this morning, doubting every thought I could possibly come up with. One moment I'm believing in myself and the next I think I'm full of shit. This, my friends, is what happens when I play from my head and not my heart.

On Facebook this morning a new friend Marilyn Brown posted the above statements. Just the fuel I needed to remove my thoughts so I could come from my heart once again. It is first and foremost myself that I can trust, not anyone else. No opinions, no one else's concerns, words, or intentions matter as far as who I really am. It's me, not the world around me that holds the key to who I really am. To discover that, the only place I need go is within. Anywhere else I seek is crazy.

Right now more than ever, I find myself absorbing Native American anything -- books, wisdom, music, artifacts... I always have but now being in this area surrounded by their energy, I am finding myself more and more at home. If I were to truly trust myself, I'd have to say it's the energy of who I really am. The peace, the tranquility, the honesty, the beingness... that is me. No labels. No judgments. No amount of "doingness" can alter that. I am a being that lives and breathes, absorbs and feels, sits still and expands.

It's been difficult to live according to America's norms. I have rarely fit in. I certainly never felt like I fit in with my family. My parents were strict Catholics, and nothing about the church rang true for me. My schools and the students there were unapproachable to me. I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I was frightened of being seen or noticed. I wanted to pass through the halls unscathed and get out after doing my time.

It wasn't until I went to college in the mountains in Colorado that I found my place. It wasn't the school so much as it was getting away from all restrictions I had placed on me. I broke free and became this free-flying bird hitchhiking across the state, partying til morning, making friends everywhere I went, and enjoying my life immensely. Oh, and in there somewhere I did get a degree.

And then I took a hiatus from myself and got married in the Catholic church, became a dutiful chiropractor's wife, and raised my beautiful daughter who wanted to be raised Catholic. I fell into an abyss and remained there until deciding to leave the marriage.

On my own I immediately discovered the world of Native American traditions again. I fell in love with them as a very young teenager, but put them aside until showing up in Steamboat Springs, Colorado and meeting a shaman who I ended up working for and taking all his classes, not to mention working with a female shaman doing breathwork with her and having vivid visions of a past life of being an Indian myself and falling in love with one.

And now, I'm in Native American territory, and it's as if I've wrapped myself up in my real skin. No wonder I've been a puzzlement, a distaste, and a disgrace to my family. I am not one of them. We don't speak the same language, and we sure don't live resonating lives. I've needed the experiences with them to see clearly who I am, and I'm grateful.

For once I'm allowing myself the freedom to be who I am -- a being that loves from her heart. When I'm in that place of who I really am, when I leave behind the crazy world of thoughts and labels and judgments, I am able to be the peace that I am. I can live anywhere, be in any body, and still be peace. I've discovered that when I'm in this natural state miracles abound. Possibilities show up in ways I could have never thought of if I'd tried. These experiences have proven to me over and over that the doing and the thinking is not how I'm to live my life. I'm here to be. To show up, and to allow it all to come to me easily and effortlessly.

There are times my heart is so full that I feel it's going to burst out of my chest. It's so full, that tears of bliss run down my face. I feel so much love that I can't possibly move without shattering into billions of pieces of absolute joy. It sounds trite to say that I'm following my heart and fulfilling my dreams, but it's true. What's so surprising to me is where my heart has led me and what dreams have come my way. Once I quieted my mind, I opened my heart to the highest possibility of me, and that has been peace and tranquility. It has nothing to do with where I live or what I do in this life. It has everything to do with who I am, pulling myself out of the dregs of discarded skin, old beliefs, wacky labels, and just allowing myself to feel love and to be loved.

I come from a long line of workaholics. I'm sure the ones still in physical bodies would be appalled by my writing. The ones no longer in physical bodies are applauding. "Yes! You got it without having to get rid of your body first!" they seem to say.

Yeah, I got it at this moment, and I know there will come more moments when I'll need to drop the paddles again and let my canoe float freely downstream. I know those crazy thoughts will creep up on me again, and I'll allow them to go and then settle in with my blanket of peace.

I think often of my male friend who I've been known to snuggle up with and bury myself in the most exquisite tranquility I've ever experienced. That's my physical representation of peace, and every time I think of him, peace pours over me like honey. I feel him now. It is my natural state. It is where I belong. It's the skin I was born to wear.

making way for the new...

...that yearning for a new way will not produce it. Only ending the old way can do that.
You cannot hold onto the old all the while declaring that you want something new. The old will defy the new; the old will deny the new; the old will decry the new.
There is only one way to bring in the new. You must make room for it.
-Neale Donald Walsh

Tammy and I seem to be recreating ourselves every moment, and discovering new ways to work in this world. Today we went to Taos to talk with a business owner about how we could do business together. The intentions for the meeting began totally differently than they turned out. However, it was so beautifully synergistic that what came out of the meeting was nothing Tammy or I could have figured out before hand.

We are practicing the state of allowing instead of constantly doing. We're working with the ebb and flow of the energy around us. We go within, listen for the prompting and when it gets so strong that we can do nothing else, we go for it. But, our "going for it" takes a totally different look. We move forward from our hearts. Our hearts guide our words and our actions. Today was a beautiful example of being heart-centered and being fluid with our words. We let this business owner speak, and then we flowed with his direction. We repeated what we heard him say, and made sure we were flowing together. It was a downstream conversation that unfolded so beautifully that not only did we make business deals, but most importantly we made a new friend. We learned much about doing business in Taos and the beautiful things we can do together. It was lovely.

So, what Tammy and I are doing now is life brand new. And Neale's right in the above quote, we had to let go of the old to make way for the new. There was some screaming and biting nails, but we certainly let go of the old. We showed up in Taos ready to not only be these new creatures, but to open our hearts to all possibilities. To ALL possibilities. It was in the willingness to let it unfold that the new materialized. For me the trick has been to let go of the outcome. To lead with my heart, to feel the energy come from that place and then go to the person I'm with, and then allow the result to be whatever it is, to go wherever it goes, and unfold just as it will. Whether it looks like what I intended or not, is not the point. It's in having faith that whatever shows up is absolutely the perfect situation. No judging it; just enjoying the process and being grateful.

I'm not saying it's easy to let go of the old ways. Some of my old habits went down with a huge fight, and some of their remnants still remain, just a bit, but I keep releasing and letting go because more than anything else, I want to live my life from my heart and stop using my head for speculations and judgments. I want to allow my story to unfold seamlessly and enjoy the unfoldment with great relish.

I see how allowing events and people flow into my life has created a world for me filled with souls that have been waiting for this. Tammy has certainly been one such soul, and now we have this magnificent man that Tammy calls her brother, and I call my lover. We've been waiting a very long time for each other without even knowing it until we all showed up to play together. And next Taos... who else will join us then? It's a beautiful journey.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I'm there!

The attitude that we would have is: The Universe is lining it up just right, and the timing will be just exactly right. And I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm doing everything just exactly right. And in the perfect timing, in a timing that I cannot even quite see yet, this is going to happen. And meanwhile there isn't anything else for me to do.

You can't take score about when it's coming or where it's coming, or how it's coming. In other words, you accept, in this faith-based attitude, it is coming, and all is well. And as you do that, ahh.

Then when you really get there, then it doesn't matter how long it takes -- but it doesn't take any time, then. If you could say, "I don't care how long it takes," you're there! And then it takes no time. But as long as it matters how long it takes, you're not there -- and it's going to take a long time.

-- Abraham-Hicks, courtesy of Tom Murasso

Every morning when I awake and get onto Facebook, I receive a quote from Abraham-Hicks. This morning's came through Tom Murasso who was kind enough to send me this. I am always so surprised at how appropriate it is. This morning's was no exception.

Tammy and I have been here in the Santa Fe area for about a month now putting together our business. Yes, it has taken some twists and turns, and as I look back on our progress, I can see how perfect every single piece of it has been to get us to where we are now. Everything we've done has led us to the next piece, and eventually it has been coming together in the most magical way.

We came up here thinking we were going to build a business that looked a certain way, and as things have evolved, it has turned into something so very different. However, the things we are the most passionate about have come to the forefront, and the things we felt less than about have receded.

It's been a game, a puzzle of seeing what fits, and as long as we've been in the flow of it all, it's been easy and fun. It's when our thoughts kick in with doubts that it gets a little rocky. That's when it seems like it's taking a long time.

Yesterday was miraculous. Tammy and I both had had awakenings over the weekend. Both of us turned corners in our learning curves, and this week we've been able to reap the benefits. And, the benefits have been grace and ease in our lives no matter what's going on around us. There is this sense of wellbeing that we feel when we are truly connected to our Source, being in the vortex, as Abraham calls it. It's that vortex where peace reigns and where the magic in our life unfolds. I'm not saying that things haven't turned out differently than we thought, because that's a certainty, but it's always been better than we thought. It's always been more magical and fun than we could've imagined, and anytime we actually "get" something, it's a very happy moment.

Events this morning have catapulted us forward, onward to the next destination, the next unfolding of how best to serve in this world. Before we would've gone into a panic mode of what to do, etc. This time, however, it is ease and grace sliding into the future. These events, these people who have played parts in our lives have just been game pieces that have played with us to move us forward. I am so grateful to each and every one of them. Because without them, I would still be in a place that served me the least.

I feel so full of love and gratitude for all, including wonderful messages from an artist friend in NY. He made me a heart and is sending it to me. I told him that what he's doing for me makes me feel gushy and mushy and everything that men don't like. His response was something to the effect of "men don't like that?" After my heart burst open even more, I responded with -- only the wrong men...

It's these remarks, these little nudges that help me define what and who I really want in my life, and where I need to go next and what I need to do. It's the listening to the whispers, paying attention to the signs, and being open to where they lead that bring me the most peace during this journey. I am open. I am taken care of, and I do bask in the love that fills me. And, in the words of Abraham:

The Universe is lining it up just right, and the timing will be just exactly right. And I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm doing everything just exactly right. And in the perfect timing, in a timing that I cannot even quite see yet, this is going to happen. And meanwhile there isn't anything else for me to do.

Oh, how I love this! Let the games continue...

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

welcome home

home: a place where one likes to be

There were many definitions of home when I looked it up, but the one above is the one I'm referring to in this note. My home is wherever I am. It's not a building. It's where I reside in my heart. Tammy and I have been talking about living from the heart instead of the head, and today I'm living that fully. I choose to. I have been in this physical body for 54 years now, and I'm more than ready to be who I know I am. I am home. I am love. I am.

It's interesting to be coming from this heart-centered place and at the same time be with those in our surroundings who come from the head. I just don't know what I would do without Tammy living from the heart too. This world, this planet, this society, our American culture just is not taught to lead from the heart, and now that we have chosen this way to live, it's fascinating to see how it affects those we come in contact with.

We are learning to be very different than the world around us, the world who taught us to work hard, be corporate, strive for money, etc. We are creating from our heart. Our decisions are made from a place of love. Our words and our actions flow out of us from the space of compassion. It is all we have chosen to be now. It's also being constantly mindful of our thoughts before we say or do anything. It's being so present that we feel through our moments. We feel. We feel the energy of that love, that abundance, that true wealth. We feel.

Several years ago I had a reading from an amazing woman in Australia who told me that I would be living my life from a place that I had never been before. She said it would be as if I walked into the house and didn't know how to turn on the faucet or the lights because they would have switches like I've never seen before. I feel like I'm in that house now. I'm in unfamiliar territory, and yet, and yet, it is home. It's where I belong. It's me. It's everything I've been desiring. I walk through the house and may not know how to flip on the switch immediately but the ability to learn how to do it comes to me quickly. I know what I'm doing. I know how to do what I need to do. I just have to come from my heart to remember.

I am home.

being power

There are so many things I love about Tammy, and today I got to experience yet another one.

I had spent the day putting all of my art inventory online to sell. I had no idea I had that much stuff, still. It took me the whole day; my brain was fried; and I was exhausted. I got ready to take a walk but instead felt like going to bed. Tammy asked me what I was hiding from. I told her I wasn't hiding, just been in front of the computer and now my brain was mush.

She didn't buy it. She told me I was feeling that way to avoid facing the real stuff going on with me. (This is the part I had to work really hard at today to be able to love her.) I really just wanted to lie down and cover my head. I was just tired. Worked my ass off and now needed rest. She wasn't falling for any of it, so we took a walk.

You see, I have lots of references for working hard and not making any money. I did it for most of my adult life. I don't believe for a moment that working hard equals lots of money. What I really doubted was my own ability to provide for myself. Tammy asked me if I knew how powerful I really am. I didn't feel so powerful. I was tired. I was scared, and I just wanted to hide under covers.

Everything is energy, whether it's a man, money, or God. Same energy. What do I draw to me? If I can draw an exceptional man, I can also have more money than I can even spend. I know that I have to truly be intentional and authentic to keep this man in my life because he won't stay for anything less. So, I've made this sincere and insistent intention of not only having a man like this one in my life, but also the money, the business, the connection to my Source, and peace with it all. Well, to bring that in, I better up my game even more, and I discovered that today.

So, here we are walking in the dark. Tammy's looking at the stars, and I'm busting my hump to make a breakthrough with all of this because dammit! I am ready for all I want in my life. I want money for everything I desire. I want to hold conferences, workshops, lecture series, book signings, and events in our retreat center near Taos. I want the Honda Pilot to get me to and from there with ease. I want the ability to know, truly know, who I am and that I am capable of everything I desire in my life. I am that woman that can write those books, develop the curriculum for classes we want to teach, create the artwork for the labels for our raw foods, speak in front of crowds, and anything else I so choose to do. Not only do I know I can do all this, I know I already have. I just need to catch up with my future because there are so many people waiting for me.

I caught myself throughout the day thinking thoughts that didn't serve me, thoughts that I've had for most of my life. Limiting thoughts, thoughts of lack, and every time a thought like that would creep in, I would realize that I was feeling less about myself. I was distrusting my own capabilities. I was viewing myself as someone so much smaller than I really am.

Who am I not to have all that I want? Who says I can't have that retreat center outside of Taos? Who says?

Well, certainly not me. I'm surrendering and trusting that it all comes together because I know, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, who I really am, and all the doubters, the people who feel the need to "straighten" me out, will not be listened to. Their words fall by the wayside, and that includes any thoughts of my own that fit into that category. I deserve everything I want, and so does every single person on this planet. The Universe conspires to do good for us once we choose what it is we want.

People, people, I got to experience the most wonderful man in the world last weekend. I got to feel the deepest sense of peace. I opened my heart so willingly and lovingly to another being. If I can do that, not only can I do anything I desire, but so can you. We are the power behind everything we want to be, do, or have. We can create anything wonderful we so choose. God knows we've done wonders with creating lots of what we don't want, so let's just start focusing on the feelings of having what we do want.

And to be able to do that, we need to pay close attention to those thoughts that appear. For example, I was in the shower tonight after our walk, and getting a little nervous about our move to Taos, when a thought bolted in: Who are you not to have what you want? It was then that I realized that what I must do is be very mindful of the thoughts that come in, and embrace the ones that make me feel good and release all the rest. And then, really feel, I mean really get down deep into how it feels to have everything I want, and then let it go.

I am so looking forward to the magical unfolding of events as we move to Taos and set up all that we do for the next phase of our lives here. I am so grateful for all the people, the lessons learned, and the situations that have risen into fantasitc opportunities for us. This is the beginning, another one, and there will be lots more to come. As each one arises I'll be even more powerful than I was during the last one because I will have grown that much more into who I really am. Thank you, Universe! I love how you conspire to do good for me, and I hear all those doors banging open as I keep walking through.

Monday, October 11, 2010

what if?

"Your Source Energy is always giving you exactly what you need in the particular now moment you happen to be in. However, so often you don't receive it because you are somewhere else. When you are not present in the now moment it is akin to not being home. When Source knocks on your door, you do not hear it. For any problem you have, Source already has the solution. But, you must be home to receive it." Thank you, Kristopher Raphael

This struck me so clearly this morning (as most of Kristopher's statements do) because I recognized in me this need to be able to "see into the future" and determine where my steps would lead. I'm saying this because of something interesting that happened yesterday. First of all, I've attracted someone into my life that just doesn't play the games I'm used to playing with men. There are no games with him. There is this adherence to being in the present moment and being there so completely that there is nothing else. In his words, "being with all that is." He shows up as he is in every moment. There's no guessing what's going on, or what he "really" means when he says something because with him what he speaks are the words he means at that very moment. Period. The way he treats me is the way he means to at that very moment. And, when we're not together there are no moments of angst about what each other's thinking or anything else because he is in that moment that he's in. He is that present, and he's teaching me about the peace that is.

Being in that present moment allows such clarity of what's going on around us. Sitting on the bed last night talking with him about something that occurred yesterday that before would've sent me over the edge, instead gave me lovely moments to share with a very present and purposeful man. He's teaching me that peace is the energy of allowing. Being peace is Source energy, where we come from, what we're here to live in, wrap ourselves in, and just be. When I'm in that place of peacefulness, I see more clearly because I'm not caught up in the emotions of the people around me, and there are no emotions that erupt within. I am calm. I am needing nothing. I am purely present.

I remember reading the Power of Now back in McKinney, Texas, and before that when I was married. I really had no experience of feeling that complete and utter present. That still moment. That just being. And now I do. It's in the experiencing of it that I've learned what it feels like, and the feeling of it has altered how I look at my world. I can hear the words of naysayers, and instead of getting emotionally defensive, I look at what in them is triggering the charge within me. What in me needs to be healed? They are just these magnificent beings here to help me move to my next transformation. How lovely is that? And this time the words come from someone I have held so closely to my heart all of her life. My daughter. I adore this young woman. She is one of the most amazing beings I have ever had experiences with, and I am that privileged to call myself her mother. She is my greatest gift even now when her words are harsh and angry. She's teaching me to open my heart even more, to love unconditionally no matter what is being said. She's showing me how to be loving and compassionate and all-embracing no matter what, and because of that I have attracted into my life a very conscious, intentional man who is the epitome of being what is.

What if we were truly able to see others as reflections of ourselves instead of enemies? What in them is charging us? What if we were to look at the circumstances around us in that way? Could there be peace? What if we were more concerned about being peace instead of trying to create it in others? What if we were more determined to be the people we are here to be rather than trying to get others to adjust to what it is we want? What if we made unconditional love our top priority instead of the almighty dollar?

What if indeed...

Sunday, October 10, 2010

where I belong

I've made one of the most amazing discoveries of my life just now while talking things over with Tammy. I just love when that happens!

When living in Steamboat Springs, CO I did some breathwork where I had continuing visions of the same lifetime. They all centered around having a love affair with an Indian warrior who was eventually killed in battle, and I held him as he died. The experiences of each session were unbelievably real and the last where he died was excrutiatingly painful. The facilitator told me after that one, that it was okay for me to love. It was now safe to open my heart. Well, that was December of 2007, and yesterday, October 9, 2010, I finally let that happen. I finally opened my heart and felt love so encompassing, that it was not only for the man I was with but for all.

The most beautiful part of it was that the man looking down at me was Native American with long gray hair. It occurred to me today what that heart opening was really about. I was now making love with another native, and this time he was older with gray hair unlike the young lover I had lost. The man I was with yesterday had already grown past the age of the one who died. It closed the gap between the young love lost and the older man I opened my heart to.

I felt so safe to love him, to open my heart so easily that the waves of energy between the two of us was palpable. It encompassed the two of us, and took us to a place I'd never been before. It felt to me as if my soul had taken over, and shoved my thoughts and ego out of the way. It certainly felt like something so much bigger than me was in charge. I felt myself open up and all needless stuff that once rode along for the ride was sloughed off. The real me emerged, and for the first time in lifetimes it seemed, I was fully able to experience this pure love for all that is.

I'm not saying that this man did this for me. He couldn't have. It was within me, and I allowed the experience with this man to draw it out. I allowed myself to open so fully that the useless parts disintegrated, and only the love remained because that's all we are. That's all there really is. We are love, and we allow crazy to take over our thoughts. What was even more extraordinary was a peaceful feeling that came over me when we were done. I wish there was a word(s) that could really describe that feeling I'm talking about. It is a peace so profound that no matter what's going on in my world, I am calm. I feel love for all that's around me trying to create chaos, and it's as if I'm watching a movie. I have no emotion tied up in people's reactions. I watch them with total detachment knowing that what is real is the peace I am.

I truly wish I could describe this experience so well that you could feel what I've been feeling because I know it's our natural state. I know this is where I belong -- in the land of peace, and I know I don't need another person to get me in that state. I am all that. I am peace.

I don't know where we're going, this man and I. I don't even pretend to know that I'll even see him again. I just know that what we shared and how I felt is what I'm taking with me wherever it is I go. It's where I belong.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

at last...

I don't even know where to begin, or even if I can go further than this because there are no words to describe my time spent with the loveliest man on the planet.

I'm sitting at the dining room table at home right now, just breathing and moving my fingers across the keyboard. I watch the vehicles come and go down the street, the trumpet vines wave in the breeze, and the sun play on the candle near the window.

I am complete. I am whole, and my heart is so full.

I've known this man forever. He has been the air that I've breathed, the earth that I've walked upon. He is the sky above me as well as the stars at night.

He woke me this morning with his fingers tiptoeing along my spine. I felt his energy play through me like guitar strings being strummed. I arched my back and wave upon wave of the most delightful energy enveloped me. I did not need to open my eyes. I knew where I was. I was in the most delicious home of all.

Friday, October 8, 2010



1a.An abundance of valuable material possessions or resources; riches.
1b. The state of being rich; affluence.
2. All goods and resources having value in terms of exchange or use.
3. A great amount; a profusion: a wealth of advice.

Tammy and I have had some interesting times with what looks real and what is real. It's been fascinating to see what illusions, what lessons, keep showing up for us.

Our mornings are the best way I've ever spent my mornings. With hot coffee in hands we discuss whatever is on our minds. This morning Tammy talked about the time she saw Conversations With God, and Neale Donald Walsh was relishing with such gratitude the amazing half burger he found in a dumpster. His family and friends talked about his uselessness, his homelessness, everything less than, and here he was in an utter state of bliss and gratitude for this half burger. Who was really in a state of less than? Certainly not Neale. Who really was the wealthy one? The ones in homes with food on the table but focused on what was wrong with someone else?

I read a status on Facebook yesterday by a man whose profile picture showed him in a suit. He posted a link with a comment about how much better he felt about his situation because the link was about a homelesss man who had less than he did. Hm, I wonder, how does he know? Are we really that shallow of a society STILL to think that having more material things makes us more than, greater than someone else? I bet the homeless man doesn't lose sleep over a bad business deal, or how to pay expenses, or back taxes, or an audit, or a messy divorce, or... You name it. Those of us who have had those moments (for me it was years), and now don't have any of it, would be safe in saying that life is more in simplicity. You can still have mansions, yachts, vacations, etc. but what goes on between your ears about them? Are you attached? Do they express your self-worth?

If you are holding onto things, if your things determine how you feel about yourself or how you look to others, then you are emotionally bankrupt. I know, I was. I didn't know what freedom really was until giving it all away. Letting go of everything gave me the freedom I never knew existed.

I saw two "homeless" men under an overpass the other day. They were eating. They were stretched out looking around them with smiles on their faces. They looked like men who knew they were taken care of. This was my perecption of the scene. It shows where I was coming from, not them. For the first time I realized that having nothing materially could be one of the richest moments of life. The world was these men's home. They had no mortgage, and they got to travel. They got to meet new people every day. They got to be on their own clock and not someone else's. Was it a life I wanted? No. Well, really, yes, but in a slightly different way. I want my home to have a nice bed in it with a gourmet kitchen fully stocked, and still not have a mortgage to pay. And, I have that now. And, I'm very grateful.

When I lived in Steamboat I lived in a multimillion dollar home for free with no utilities. Granted, I was in the apartment above the garage, but it was one fine apartment in a luxury neighborhood with some of the nicest people on this planet. I was grateful, and still am for their generosity and their belief in me.

What I'm saying is that we can create what we want. We must know we can have it, not just believe. It has to be a knowingness that goes so deeply doubts are easily brushed away. Now is the time to manifest what we truly want instead of struggling. Corporate America is the old paradigm. The world is shifting so fast, and I see so many people faltering with not knowing what to do because the world is no longer working like it used to. I'm waking every morning and seeing how to use the universal laws to design the life of my dreams. And maybe I needed to leave behind everything that was once precious to me so that I could truly experience the freedom of nonattachment. There's no army in the world that can deliver this kind of freedom. No battle or war can be fought and "won" to create this kind of peace.

The real war is between our ears, and the real peace is within. I stopped looking outside of myself for that. I am my own peace maker. I am my own creator of all that I want. I am. And, I detach from the naysayers, even if that includes those I love dearly. I detach from the outcome, knowing that whatever it looks like, my peace goes undisturbed. I am this wealthy.

magic happens

I believe this has to have been the strangest day of my life. And believe me most of my days are pretty strange.

It was the first day I didn't go out for a hike since living here. As a matter of fact, it's 8:16 p.m. and I'm still in my robe. I've been reading and writing most of the day, typing like crazy really. And, when I went to save what I had typed this morning, it all disappeared. Apparently it wasn't necessary to keep those words.

I've been feeling as if I'm not part of this planet anymore. Not only did my words disappear, but I also used someone else's image on my Facebook profile picture, and four people noticed the difference and commented. I felt like I was invisible. It made me really think about how I was showing up in the world. Or, not showing up at all maybe. Even as I write this, I wonder about still being here on this planet in this house in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Am I really here, or is it just one of those illusory things? I sent emails that have gone unanswered, haven't even been able to contact Sprint, and you'd think they'd answer if money were involved.

Am I really here? It just hasn't felt so much like it today. I cocooned myself with books, journal, and laptop. It feel like being a part of the "world" is not where I belonged today. There's been this cyclone of energy swirling around me and dropping me off in all different levels of consciousness, or so it seems. I've never been in this situation before and don't know what to make of it, so I just get up every morning and do what feels good.

Tammy and I had a long discussion about what it means to follow our hearts. What would our lives look like if we made every decision based on what our hearts told us? That's how we're living right now. Following our hearts, listening within, and not caring what society thinks or what others want us to do, and that includes ourselves sometimes. There are still those ugly little thoughts that creep in about whether or not we deserve these magnificent men, these fabulous businesses, our beautiful home, etc. And, why don't we deserve all of this?

It's a whole lot of retraining the brain, that's for sure. It's constantly catching those crazy thoughts of doubting what we have and what we desire. It's the ability to put a halt to all those questions of how we're going to make it work or when or where or whatever else. It's that kind of crazy making that can send us over the edge. Luckily, we have each other to stop us before we get too carried away.

The only thing necessary is the what and the why. Really. What do we want and why do we want it. It's amazing to see what happens when we drop those paddles and let the canoe float downstream. There are a few people who understand what I'm talking about and actually live their lives like that. Most of the time I can keep my thoughts fairly well focused on what it is I want. It's those crazy little thoughts that eek in when I'm not paying attention.

For me, I know when I'm back on track because of the way I feel. What I mean by that is the energy that I feel in my body. It tells me how closely connected I am to what I want. When I feel good, the connection is strong. When I feel ecstatic, I am immersed in the thrill of having what I want. It's interesting to know right now how great the connection is because I can think of this wonderful man I like, and feel really, really good instead of going crazy wondering why I haven't heard from him tonight because that's where I would've gone with any other man.

But this Jill is different. This Jill knows the truth. The truth that she is her own creator of her story, her life. She doesn't rely on another for how things go. She orchestrates what she desires and lets it unfold however it does. The one thing I've learned is that what I (my ego) wants is nothing compared to what the universe delivers. If I just put it out there, if I get really clear on what I want, concentrate on that, and let it go, the real magic begins. The ease in life shows up. The grace, the elegance, the beauty escalates, and I wonder why I would ever want to even think I'm in control of the delivery.

As I float downstream in my canoe, I see all those things I've ever wanted. They're all mine for the asking. Tammy and I have been witnesses to everything unfolding so beautfiully for us here because we are willing to surrender and trust. We know. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the miraculous is just around the corner. It always is. It's the believing it when there's no outward sign that we should. It's the solid faith that it's showing up perfectly, whatever it looks like. It's the easy breathing, the letting go, and the unwavering faith that makes dropping the paddles a breeze. And, when you keep seeing the miracles that show up over and over, it's easy to forget what once was the only way we lived -- thinking we needed to know the answers to all the other questions, the who, the where, the when, and the how. Drop those bad boys out of your thought processes and watch the magic begin!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

feeling my way through life

My first trip to Taos was yesterday. My last time in the Colorado Rockies was almost two years ago. I know Santa Fe is in the Rockies too, but there is something about the proximity of the mountains in Taos that remind me so much more of my life in Colorado. The cloud formations, the color of the mountains in sunset, the aspens turning gold... There was something about Taos that made me feel like I was more home than in Santa Fe.

Let me see if I can describe this better because I know some people think I'm a flake flitting from one town to the next after having been in one place for most of my life. What I'm discovering about how I live now is that I fully come from my heart. I go where it feels really, really good, and sometimes that means that I move more often than I used to. So what? Maybe I'm not meant to plant myself again like I did while being married. God knows, I'm not meant for that kind of existence. I am loose and airy, flying easily where my heart leads. My head is so much quieter and my heart so much more open.

I see how the world operates. I see how people live and are considered to be "normal." I used to live that life myself. I used to have a mortgage or two, car loans, school loans, business loans, payroll taxes, unemployment insurance to pay... I remember those days very, very well, and now I don't live by a calendar that lists when all those bills are due. I don't go to bed at night wondering how to pay the expenses that overshot the income sometimes while the one overshooting snored beside me like a hibernating bear.

When I awake now, I lay in bed and feel into my morning. I feel the world I wish to create come into existence before putting my feet on the floor. I visualize those experiences I want in my life right now. I see Tammy's and my work affecting those around us. I see the home we live in with the gourmet kitchen fully stocked with everything we need to make our products. I see the people we work on and how peaceful they feel when their sessions are over. I see the men in our lives adding to the fullness we already have. I see the four of us getting along famously and thoroughly enjoying each other's company. I see us hiking in the mountains, soaking in the hot springs, and feeling the peace under the starlit sky. One man is drumming, the other's playing the flute, and we're stretched out looking at the stars, absorbing their music, and being grateful.

This is what I see. This is what I focus on, no matter what my eyes show me. The men are already here, and we are enjoying them tremendously. I can feel our new place. I can feel our happiness in how our business is growing and affecting others. I swirl in the peace of it all because it is the realest my life has ever been, and I surrender to how it unfolds, and trust that it is doing just that as I write this sentence.

And, while I just wrote that last sentence in the above paragraph, we just received a request by a local college to set up a work station there so that we could do sessions on students. This occurred after Tammy turned down an office position this morning, and I turned down a corporate position last week. It's amazing what happens when we trust, when we surrender, and when we are so very, very grateful for everything that has entered our lives. Wow, look out world The Tammy and Jill Show is here!! I feel the house, the gourmet kitchen, that large deck overlooking the mountains, the horses grazing lazily in the pasture, and those lovely, lovely men enoying sharing their lives with us!!! Woo hoo!!!! It's in the following of your heart that the Universe flings doors open. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.


Tammy and I were talking on our drive back to Santa Fe tonight about this wonderful man who took the two of us out to dinner after our successful day today. He's someone I went out with last Friday night, and after spending the evening with him tonight I felt the same way agaiin about him. It's a feeling I haven't had about a man before. I'm tranquil. I'm at peace. I am whole and full. That's how I feel after being with him. We sat outside on the patio at a restaurant in Taos and enjoyed each other's company immensely. Kicking back in our chairs, sipping our drinks, and devouring chips and salsa.

The conversation never stopped. It flowed from one topic to the next. Laughter came easily, and I just didn't want to stop looking in his eyes. He showed us around his office. We sat in his waiting room and talked before going out to dinner. His office felt good, warm and inviting, healing and gracious. I wasn't sure I wanted to leave. If it had had a fireplace with fire crackling, I knew I would've set up camp for the winter right there on his couch with him beside me.

I loved watching him and Tammy interact. I loved that they got along so well especially after I got a chance to have a very fun morning with her and someone she's interested in. It was lovely, and tonight got even lovelier.

While Tammy went inside to get a refill on her drink, my friend and I sat on the patio and talked about families. He told me that I may not have gotten a chance to pick the family I was born into, but now I could hand select those I wanted to call family. I was sitting at the table with two of them.

Tammy and I have learned to drop our paddles and let our canoe just flow downstream. This morning at 3:30 I got a cosmic whack upside the head with red neon letters flashing before me: TAOS, and then as soon as I got up I got a Facebook friend request from a man in Taos who owns a business. I not only friended him, but told him what Tammy and I are doing. He suggested we stop by and talk with him about our work and products. Now let me tell you, I don't ignore signs like that, so after our morning hike, off we went to Taos, met my new friend, and now have business together. On the drive over, we got an email from one of the Santa Fe schools asking us to schedule with them so that we can get our work in their school.

And then we got the chance to dine with one of the most wonderful men on this planet. I am so grateful to have him in my life, so grateful that Tammy and he are friends, and ever so grateful to be able to feel this tranquil after having been with him. This, I'm sure, is how easy it is to live life, this full, this magical, and this blessed.

Monday, October 4, 2010


"We are earth people on a spiritual journey to the stars. Our quest, our earth walk, is to look within, to know who we are, to see that we are connected to all things, that there is no separation, only in the mind." -Lakota

I was reading postings on my FB wall when I came across this one shared by Cheryl Janecky. Interesting that I had just journaled about that very thing. I've made friends with a Lakota medicine man and have fallen in love with me all that more because there is no separation, except in my mind. He is peace. He knows who he is and knows the connection with us all. By knowing him, I know myself. By loving him, I love myself. With him there is quiet euphoria and the questions disappear when I truly lay myself open before him.

The difficulty I've had has been to be that laid out and honest, that authentic and purely open. I find myself running for cover in superficial conversations. Really, really? I say this is what I want, and he shows up, and I play less than? Is this what it means to be careful what you wish for?

I choose to step up and meet him where he is. I choose better for myself. I choose the best for myself, and right now it feels right to choose what he brings into my life. To match him, I must be authentic. To me that means that I must speak and feel from my heart, not my head. Stop myself before opening my mouth or doing anything, and listen within. What feels good? Respond to him, his energy, in kind. He speaks from his heart. He loves openingly. His eyes tell all. They are a sea of compassion, of kindness, and if that's what I see, then it's in me. We are one. The separation exists only in my mind, and when I get out of my head, I see the best parts of me. I see myself as unconditional love. I see myself as that compassionate being, that person that oozes loving energy. When I acknowledge who I really am, how can I be anything else? How can it be any different for you? We are made of the same fabric.

I sit here at this beautiful dining room table with dahlias overseeing my typing, small aircraft flying outside the window, and adobe houses lining the streets. I'm listening to Native American chants through my earbuds, and I'm flying high. In a previous life I would be chastising myself for wasting time not doing anything on my to-do lists. I don't have to-do lists anymore. My heart's in charge now. My heart is my guidance, my boss, my supervisor, my CEO. And because of that, I've attracted the most amazing people in my life. I've been given the opportunity to raise the bar over and over with how I show up in the world. I choose to keep raising it. I belong higher, and the higher I go the higher I want to go.

Someone told me that there was no reason for me to leave McKinney, Texas where I'd been living near her. She told me that I could have everything I wanted right there. She said I was running away from something, and I was taking myself with me. She told me that I would end up just in another place and still unhappy with myself and with the place. All I can say to that now is that I could have never experienced (and did not experience) any of this in Texas. There is an energy here like I've never experienced before. There are people here like I've never met before, and I have become someone I've never been before, and becoming even more the person I really want to be. The peace within is what I carry now. That is all I carry. I've gotten rid of everything else, and I keep encountering layers of what's not peace every now and then, and get the chance to remove it. I go deeper and deeper within. I excavate. I am quiet. I am silent. I sit on a boulder on a mountain soaking in the sun. I hear the ravens overhead. I see the hawks circling, and I come to know me even more.

There is no bank account, car, house, alcoholic drinks, person, lover, etc. that can bring to me the peace I have cultivated within. It wasn't until I became that peace, that love, that all-encompassing energy body that all these people showed up in my life. When I became what I wanted, I made room for these experiences of what authentic love looks like.