Thursday, October 14, 2010

fifth yourself

How difficult can it be to have faith in yourself, to believe in you instead of believing in symbols? You can put your faith in scientific theories, in so many religions, opinions, and points of view, but this is not real faith. Faith in yourself is the real faith. Real faith is to trust yourself unconditionally, because you know what you really are, and what you really are is the truth. -- Ruiz by way of Marilyn Brown on Facebook

I've been going back and forth in my head this morning, doubting every thought I could possibly come up with. One moment I'm believing in myself and the next I think I'm full of shit. This, my friends, is what happens when I play from my head and not my heart.

On Facebook this morning a new friend Marilyn Brown posted the above statements. Just the fuel I needed to remove my thoughts so I could come from my heart once again. It is first and foremost myself that I can trust, not anyone else. No opinions, no one else's concerns, words, or intentions matter as far as who I really am. It's me, not the world around me that holds the key to who I really am. To discover that, the only place I need go is within. Anywhere else I seek is crazy.

Right now more than ever, I find myself absorbing Native American anything -- books, wisdom, music, artifacts... I always have but now being in this area surrounded by their energy, I am finding myself more and more at home. If I were to truly trust myself, I'd have to say it's the energy of who I really am. The peace, the tranquility, the honesty, the beingness... that is me. No labels. No judgments. No amount of "doingness" can alter that. I am a being that lives and breathes, absorbs and feels, sits still and expands.

It's been difficult to live according to America's norms. I have rarely fit in. I certainly never felt like I fit in with my family. My parents were strict Catholics, and nothing about the church rang true for me. My schools and the students there were unapproachable to me. I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I was frightened of being seen or noticed. I wanted to pass through the halls unscathed and get out after doing my time.

It wasn't until I went to college in the mountains in Colorado that I found my place. It wasn't the school so much as it was getting away from all restrictions I had placed on me. I broke free and became this free-flying bird hitchhiking across the state, partying til morning, making friends everywhere I went, and enjoying my life immensely. Oh, and in there somewhere I did get a degree.

And then I took a hiatus from myself and got married in the Catholic church, became a dutiful chiropractor's wife, and raised my beautiful daughter who wanted to be raised Catholic. I fell into an abyss and remained there until deciding to leave the marriage.

On my own I immediately discovered the world of Native American traditions again. I fell in love with them as a very young teenager, but put them aside until showing up in Steamboat Springs, Colorado and meeting a shaman who I ended up working for and taking all his classes, not to mention working with a female shaman doing breathwork with her and having vivid visions of a past life of being an Indian myself and falling in love with one.

And now, I'm in Native American territory, and it's as if I've wrapped myself up in my real skin. No wonder I've been a puzzlement, a distaste, and a disgrace to my family. I am not one of them. We don't speak the same language, and we sure don't live resonating lives. I've needed the experiences with them to see clearly who I am, and I'm grateful.

For once I'm allowing myself the freedom to be who I am -- a being that loves from her heart. When I'm in that place of who I really am, when I leave behind the crazy world of thoughts and labels and judgments, I am able to be the peace that I am. I can live anywhere, be in any body, and still be peace. I've discovered that when I'm in this natural state miracles abound. Possibilities show up in ways I could have never thought of if I'd tried. These experiences have proven to me over and over that the doing and the thinking is not how I'm to live my life. I'm here to be. To show up, and to allow it all to come to me easily and effortlessly.

There are times my heart is so full that I feel it's going to burst out of my chest. It's so full, that tears of bliss run down my face. I feel so much love that I can't possibly move without shattering into billions of pieces of absolute joy. It sounds trite to say that I'm following my heart and fulfilling my dreams, but it's true. What's so surprising to me is where my heart has led me and what dreams have come my way. Once I quieted my mind, I opened my heart to the highest possibility of me, and that has been peace and tranquility. It has nothing to do with where I live or what I do in this life. It has everything to do with who I am, pulling myself out of the dregs of discarded skin, old beliefs, wacky labels, and just allowing myself to feel love and to be loved.

I come from a long line of workaholics. I'm sure the ones still in physical bodies would be appalled by my writing. The ones no longer in physical bodies are applauding. "Yes! You got it without having to get rid of your body first!" they seem to say.

Yeah, I got it at this moment, and I know there will come more moments when I'll need to drop the paddles again and let my canoe float freely downstream. I know those crazy thoughts will creep up on me again, and I'll allow them to go and then settle in with my blanket of peace.

I think often of my male friend who I've been known to snuggle up with and bury myself in the most exquisite tranquility I've ever experienced. That's my physical representation of peace, and every time I think of him, peace pours over me like honey. I feel him now. It is my natural state. It is where I belong. It's the skin I was born to wear.

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