Tuesday, October 12, 2010

being power

There are so many things I love about Tammy, and today I got to experience yet another one.

I had spent the day putting all of my art inventory online to sell. I had no idea I had that much stuff, still. It took me the whole day; my brain was fried; and I was exhausted. I got ready to take a walk but instead felt like going to bed. Tammy asked me what I was hiding from. I told her I wasn't hiding, just been in front of the computer and now my brain was mush.

She didn't buy it. She told me I was feeling that way to avoid facing the real stuff going on with me. (This is the part I had to work really hard at today to be able to love her.) I really just wanted to lie down and cover my head. I was just tired. Worked my ass off and now needed rest. She wasn't falling for any of it, so we took a walk.

You see, I have lots of references for working hard and not making any money. I did it for most of my adult life. I don't believe for a moment that working hard equals lots of money. What I really doubted was my own ability to provide for myself. Tammy asked me if I knew how powerful I really am. I didn't feel so powerful. I was tired. I was scared, and I just wanted to hide under covers.

Everything is energy, whether it's a man, money, or God. Same energy. What do I draw to me? If I can draw an exceptional man, I can also have more money than I can even spend. I know that I have to truly be intentional and authentic to keep this man in my life because he won't stay for anything less. So, I've made this sincere and insistent intention of not only having a man like this one in my life, but also the money, the business, the connection to my Source, and peace with it all. Well, to bring that in, I better up my game even more, and I discovered that today.

So, here we are walking in the dark. Tammy's looking at the stars, and I'm busting my hump to make a breakthrough with all of this because dammit! I am ready for all I want in my life. I want money for everything I desire. I want to hold conferences, workshops, lecture series, book signings, and events in our retreat center near Taos. I want the Honda Pilot to get me to and from there with ease. I want the ability to know, truly know, who I am and that I am capable of everything I desire in my life. I am that woman that can write those books, develop the curriculum for classes we want to teach, create the artwork for the labels for our raw foods, speak in front of crowds, and anything else I so choose to do. Not only do I know I can do all this, I know I already have. I just need to catch up with my future because there are so many people waiting for me.

I caught myself throughout the day thinking thoughts that didn't serve me, thoughts that I've had for most of my life. Limiting thoughts, thoughts of lack, and every time a thought like that would creep in, I would realize that I was feeling less about myself. I was distrusting my own capabilities. I was viewing myself as someone so much smaller than I really am.

Who am I not to have all that I want? Who says I can't have that retreat center outside of Taos? Who says?

Well, certainly not me. I'm surrendering and trusting that it all comes together because I know, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, who I really am, and all the doubters, the people who feel the need to "straighten" me out, will not be listened to. Their words fall by the wayside, and that includes any thoughts of my own that fit into that category. I deserve everything I want, and so does every single person on this planet. The Universe conspires to do good for us once we choose what it is we want.

People, people, I got to experience the most wonderful man in the world last weekend. I got to feel the deepest sense of peace. I opened my heart so willingly and lovingly to another being. If I can do that, not only can I do anything I desire, but so can you. We are the power behind everything we want to be, do, or have. We can create anything wonderful we so choose. God knows we've done wonders with creating lots of what we don't want, so let's just start focusing on the feelings of having what we do want.

And to be able to do that, we need to pay close attention to those thoughts that appear. For example, I was in the shower tonight after our walk, and getting a little nervous about our move to Taos, when a thought bolted in: Who are you not to have what you want? It was then that I realized that what I must do is be very mindful of the thoughts that come in, and embrace the ones that make me feel good and release all the rest. And then, really feel, I mean really get down deep into how it feels to have everything I want, and then let it go.

I am so looking forward to the magical unfolding of events as we move to Taos and set up all that we do for the next phase of our lives here. I am so grateful for all the people, the lessons learned, and the situations that have risen into fantasitc opportunities for us. This is the beginning, another one, and there will be lots more to come. As each one arises I'll be even more powerful than I was during the last one because I will have grown that much more into who I really am. Thank you, Universe! I love how you conspire to do good for me, and I hear all those doors banging open as I keep walking through.

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