Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Since my divorce, I've realized how little I feel the need to commit -- to anything. I love being free and loose with no mortgage and no rent. Until today. Today I sat in Lavender House with seven other women brainstorming about how we can work together and how we can add more value to each other's passions. It was a beautiful way to spend my day. It was lovely. It was like none other, and isn't it amazing that I have had so many of those amazing days since being single, especially since moving to McKinney, Texas?
I intend to be happy and joyful with whatever shows up and know that it's all so perfect no matter what it looks like. This is my one remaining intention. All other goals and intentions have slipped away. Since living my life like this, the most beautiful experiences and people have flowed into my life. Every day is this glorious new adventure that just astounds me with its magical unfolding.
It started when I chose to follow my intuition even though it seemed stupid. A few years ago I had built my dream home with my husband of 25 years at that time. I had a 1200 square foot studio to create in all day and night. I had a balcony built outside the glass sliding doors so I could take my afternoon coffee breaks overlooking the Colorado mountains. There were 40 acres of open space behind me, and in Boulder County that was sacred. Never would a fence be put up alongside it much less any developments. It was pristine and wonderful, and I felt incredibly lonely and in the wrong place with the wrong man, and I was miserable.
Within 2 years I moved to Steamboat Springs because I walked through an open door. I never intended to be in Steamboat. Only knew two people who lived there. What few memories I had of Steamboat were not good ones at all, but I showed up anyway. There seemed to be no logic to this move, but somehow it felt right and it flowed, so I did it.
Two years later I knew why. I made incredible friends and family there, and my growth was exponential. I never put down roots there. I never even made a utilities payment there. I had nothing but a checkbook with my post office box there. I did rent studio space, but I signed on for only a year. I didn't even last that long. I knew it was a short visit, but it was long enough to fall in love with several people and carry them now in my heart.
Last September for my birthday I was given a massage and intuitive reading from a couple of women in Steamboat. I got my session with them somewhere around the first of October. The intuitive told me that I had a man in my energy field. He was so close, and all I had to do was allow him in. She told me that I needed to be more fully me, to feel good in my own skin, and to live who I was. That would bring him forth. She told me I was to wear bright colors because it made me feel good instead of always throwing on the nearest pair of jeans and sweatshirt. She also told me that I needed to leave Steamboat. That one I already knew, but she told me that going where my daughter was would be the ideal spot. I just about came off the massage table on that one, because I had no intention of going back to Dallas. Ever.
The next day I wore a brightly colored shirt and beads and met a man in the library. A little over a month later I moved to Dallas area to be with my daughter. I'm still in touch with the man, and my daughter, Dr. Alyssa Summey, and I are in the midst of an amazing business venture. What's the most miraculous thing though is that I want to put down roots here.
Alyssa left her previous office space to move into one in the square in downtown McKinney. Within 2 weeks what she had been promised fell through and the men involved said they were moving out. That left her with a huge space and a large rent.
But then the real players showed up.
It's still unfolding, but there are many wonderful women coming into our lives wanting to play with us in the most remarkable ways. The miracles that follow are too numerous to count. Every moment is one of awe. It feels as if every breath I ever took has led to this one. That this is what I've been waiting for, and what this is is still an untold story. Right now it looks like everything I ever dreamed of.
And it's a lot of work. It's just the beginning and I foresee many sleepless nights. Already my car's filled with stuff to move in the new space. And it's just the beginning. Did I already mention that?
I'm not afraid of hard labor. I welcome it because it means the beginning of a dream come true.
I'm finally willing to commit to something. I'm finally willing to put down roots. And I'm willing to do it all knowing that the need to move on may show up again.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
After moving everything into the kitchen and vacuuming the carpet, I sprayed it, leaving myself a trail to get out of Dodge. I had to be gone for two hours. We were gone for three.
My daughter's a chiropractor, Dr. Alyssa Summey, and she was at her office talking to new practitioners who want to rent space from her. She's developing a wellness clinic on the square in McKinney and getting it operational as soon as possible. The front of the clinic will house a cafe for healthy snacks and beverages, lending library, games, internet, classes and lectures at night with maybe some poetry slams and writing and art classes thrown in too. We're putting together something that is like nothing we've seen before. Can't wait to get started on it this week. It's going to be rockin' the square. Woo hoo!
Before July is out, it should be up and running smoothly. We'll have tables and chairs inside and out. It will be the happening place on the square. Can't wait! I'll be a barista extraordinaire, at least that's what I'm saying today.
So, back to the flea party at the homestead...
I scooted out of Dodge in the still 100 degree weather and headed to Alyssa's office where she was finishing up with Cindy Goldman, a sound healer and yoga instructor. The dog was flying through the big office space chasing a fly. Hey, he was clean and cute doing it.
I was just happy to get off my feet.
Alyssa treated me to Cafe Malaga's tapas and iced tea. I had no idea how hungry I was. I had the Sampler Platter with pita and three different kinds of dips. Yum. Alyssa dove into salmon and spinach. Everything tasted great, and the place was packed. When we were done we took a walk with the dog around the older neighborhood near the square. I'll have to go back there and take some pictures of some of those houses because I've never seen anything like them. It was so wonderful looking at homes that were so lovingly cared for. It just felt good to be in the neighborhood.
So now, the carpet got vacuumed again before the dog was allowed back in, the quilt and sheets are in the laundry, and everything is moved out of the kitchen. However, it's 10:37 at night and I can't go to bed. There are no clean sheets yet. I can hardly keep my eyes open, and for the life of me I have no idea what it is I've just typed.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
After telling my daughter about this request, she told me about her friend/patient that was broadsided by an SUV while driving his motorcycle after leaving her office on Monday. He was airlifted to a hospital in Dallas where he still is.
These two events helped me remember how grateful I am for every single person in my life, how very precious they are to me, and for all the greatness that is showered on me every moment.
I am so grateful.
I got a beautiful email from a man who has altered my life significantly. When I opened up yahoo and saw his name there, tears came to my eyes. He's Tom Crum, an amazing being who taught me so much last September at his Journey to Center workshop. I feel the effects of his teachings daily. Thank you, Tom, from the bottom of my heart for blessing my life with your gracious teachings.
I am so grateful.
And then I met a friend, Michelle Barr, I'd lost touch with for coffee this morning. We poured our hearts out over coffee and tea, and suddenly the day was brighter and lighter. We took a tour back to my daughter's office on the square so she could look at the potential use of the office space for herself. We ran into another piece of the puzzle, Molly Jones of Molly J & Co. and ended up having lunch together and discussing the vibrant connection and possible joint ventures of business on the square.
I am so grateful.
I received a phone call from an Aspen friend who was a close friend of John Denver's, as was Tom Crum. After that conversation, I turned on my computer to see John Denver on my FB page. I am blessed with serendipity and miracles. John Denver always has shown up in my life during a major change. I look forward to seeing what's next.
I am so grateful.
I opened my email and read a long one from a beau, and it hurt to read his pain, but also felt good knowing that what he's suffering through cleanses him in the end. It'll bring him into such beautiful light. One day.
I am so grateful.
Tonight I fixed a delicious chicken dinner for my wonderful daughter before we leave to check out another office space. We're planning on going to Lone Star Winery for glasses of red wine, before heading over to Cadillac's to hear our favorite local musicians.
I am so grateful.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
I'm headed over to the kitchen where I'll help prepare food before hauling it over Chestnut Square with some friends. For someone who never made a kitchen her room of choice, it's rather humorous that I'm spending so much time in one lately. And loving it, I might add.
My life here in McKinney, Texas seems like a long play date. I've spent a life of working and working some more, but not always enjoying what I'm doing. For some reason, and I wish I could clarify it better, McKinney seems to be where people go to enjoy what they do. There's always a reason to party. There's always time to celebrate, and there's always, always, always reasons to hug. Oh my gosh, this is one hugging town. And kissing. These practices need to be added to the constitution, but I suppose making them law takes away the spontaneity.
My friend, Cyndy Long, is the one that introduced me to the kitchen concept. I am 52 years old and am now spending time in the kitchen. At least on some days. Not very often. I don't want to give the impression that this is a regular gig because it's not. I just happen to be doing a bit more of it lately. There's a Red Hat's Society gig on Tuesday and on July 3rd, there's a very small party that I'm doing by myself.
And, by the way, for all those who have known me forever, I haven't burned a single thing. I have dropped a tray of scones, but burned nothing. I haven't even set off smoke alarms. This, my friends, is a record. I've been told that the world is shifting, that everything is different now. Well, what I've done in the kitchen lately is proof of that. It's a whole new world. I'm telling you.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
For those of you who are not Jason Mraz fans like I am, you won't get the significance of those two titles and one of the posts' author. Jason has a song out called "Make it Mine." He starts out singing: "Wake up everyone. How can you sleep at a time like this unless the dreamer is the real you?"
Here's another interesting factoid about those two aforementioned posts, Freshness Factor Five Thousand is written by Jason Mraz. Hm...
Just felt the need to write this because it was so apparent when I opened my blog. It was something so profound to me, but may mean nothing at all to you. However, I guess it shows how much I live by signs in my life. I notice a lot. Synchronicities are so evident to me, and this happened to be one of them that hit me upside the head today. What does it mean? Who knows? I've also learned not to even attempt to interpret signs because 9 times out of 10 I'm off the mark. I think signs show up in my life to offer the temptation to try to figure things out when all I'm really meant to do is show up and be present for whatever's in front of me.
So, what's in front of me today? Well here's a thought. I might be going back to Steamboat for a little trip soon. I spent the morning talking with people from there. Travel sites keep showing up on my email with trips to Colorado highlighted, and a friend just offered me a vehicle of hers when I come out. Hm...low airfares, free vehicle, free place to stay (I didn't mention that one too?) What's not to love about this? Oh, and a sweet man willing to enjoy me while I'm there too. How did I forget to put that in the number one reason for going back to Steamboat for a visit? What was I thinking? I sure have been thinking a lot about him lately, so I'm puzzled as to why that didn't get written about immediately.
Since the trip isn't right in front of me at the moment, I'm not going to write anymore about it. What's right in front of me at the moment is my continual desire to write. I think I wrote about that yesterday. When I'm not just writing, I'm writing about writing. This is like the days when I was a writer. Could it be that now that I don't have a husband to do everything for that I really am being a writer again? Woo hoo! What a lovely concept.
I used to have filing cabinets filled with what I wrote. I purged most of them before leaving the house I had built back when I was married. Back then I would fill up my time with the wonderful nonessentials of paying bills, balancing checkbooks, doing payroll, filling out tax forms, filing insurance claims, answering phones, scheduling patients, doing therapies, taking patient histories, filing patient files...God knows there was so much more, but for the life of me I don't remember and I certainly don't want to take up any more of my time trying to. I've been free since September 11, 2006. That was the day I moved to Steamboat Springs, Colorado. If I'd known then what I know now...I don't know what I'd do differently really. I'm very happy with where I am right now and who I've become, so it would be difficult to say that I'd change anything.
But, what's in front of me right now? An evening alone with my daughter's dog, my laptop, and my constant stream of thoughts of this sweet man in Steamboat and what we've done together and what we hope to do again.
I just popped a pizza in the oven and poured myself another glass of iced tea before settling back down with my laptop. Listening to the fast click of the keys on the keyboard is music to my ears. I love watching the words form on the screen, knowing that I'm the one putting them there. It's magic really, pure magic.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
You see, I started my writing career in Texas back in fourth grade at Good Shepherd School in Garland. I even got my bachelor's in English at University of Texas at Dallas after a three-year stint at Western State College in Gunnison, Colorado. I did post-graduate work in creative writing at University of Colorado in Boulder and of all the craziest places Harvard in 1987 while I was married with a six-year old.
I had taken my daughter to the dentist to get her teeth cleaned and while waiting in the reception area I was looking through some of my trade journals when I saw an ad/blurb about Harvard's program on creative writing. I was 30 years old and itching for new experiences, so I thought that just sending off for the application would be just the experience I was looking for. Then when it arrived, I decided to fill it out and mail it in because that would just add to the excitement in my rather mundane life, but I kept telling myself that there was no way they'd let me in. And surely, there was no way I'd go. Just no way. I ran my husband's practice and I had a young daughter at home. No way would I ever be able to get away. Never.
And then the acceptance letter arrived.
And then I couldn't stop imagining what it would be like to spend an entire semester on the east coast writing without having to do anything else. It was so decadent. What was once an impossibility became something so tantalizing that I had to make it happen. I called my mother. I knew there was no way she'd turn down the opportunity to have bragging rights about her daughter being a Harvard student, so she jumped at the chance to take care of my daughter and husband while I was away. The only other person to tell was the husband. I arranged with our employees the work schedule that would cover my hours and showed them how to keep up with the paperwork that I had been doing. With everything in place, I went in for the kill. I approached him with all the details of how every single one of his needs would be met while I was gone, except for the most important one for him. Oh well. He'd have to do something else for a semester because my ass was on the plane to Boston. Woo hoo!
It was months of a dream come true. A dream that I didn't even know I could dream. I lived in Eliot House on the third floor. Each room had a fireplace and its own bath with tiny white and black tiles on the floor. There were only two rooms per floor, and I was all by myself on the top floor. A European maid showed up to clean on a regular basis. I had three meals a day in a dining hall the size of a football field, it seemed. There was always a salad bar laden with fresh greens, and above us were crystal chandeliers fit for a palace. The room was dripping with opulence and history. The character of each building was phenomenal. I was from a relatively new state, Colorado, barely over 100 years old by that time, and to be in the midst of where our country fought for its freedom was astounding.
The first public school was founded by Ben Franklin in Boston. There were mock horse hoof prints along Mass Ave. where Charles Dawes took over from Paul Revere on that fateful night after watching for the lights in the Old North Church steeple. MIT was just down the street on Mass Ave., and Radcliffe also not far away. Washington's headquarters during the Revolutionary War was across the street from Harvard Square, so I could grab a croissant at Au Bon Pain and look at the building where Washington planned his strategies. How awesome was that?
I would type on my typewriter that my father had bought me years ago. I would type all night long because I could. I would write while walking on cobblestone streets. I wrote while waiting for my drink at Cheers. I wrote on the T while traveling to Boston across the Charles. I watched the archaeological digs in Harvard Yard and wrote what I saw in my mind.
There was never a time that I didn't write or at least think about my characters and what they would do next. It was the most magical time for me up to that point in my life to really immerse myself in all that I loved -- seafood, history, New England, and writing.
It would have all been so perfect if I didn't miss my little girl so much. There were nights I cried myself to sleep because I missed holding her. The craziest thing was that she didn't miss me at all. She was having a great time with her grandmother and uncles. To this day she still remembers those months as some of her fondest memories. (I'm writing this whether it's true or not.)
Years later when my marriage was falling apart again, the husband asked me what my happiest time was and I told him it was my time at Harvard because it was something I did for myself. It was something that made my soul blossom. I did what I loved every moment of every day and night. It was a dream come true for me. Besides having my daughter, there was nothing else in my 27-year marriage that even came close to how I felt being at Harvard. Everything else paled so much in comparison that it didn't even register on my radar screen.
To this day, I still think back to my Harvard days with great fondness. I miss New England sometimes and think about what it was like living there. And the writing madness. What a dream! I really felt like a writer there. I wrote where Thoreau and Hawthorne and Longfellow and Alcott and (the list could go on forever) wrote. I wrote where words changed the climate of colonies into a united country. I wrote where some of the greatest minds still go today to voice their words. I wrote, and I became a writer. I was not an office manager. I was a writer. All the work I'd done instead of writing disintegrated, and I became what I always wanted to be.
At least for a few short months.
No matter what happened after leaving Harvard, I still had the memories of what my soul hungered for. I carried those memories with me throughout my life and am reliving them now while writing this post. I remember my Harvard days and know that I am a writer. I am a writer.
Thanks for the memories.
Monday, June 15, 2009
My daughter tells stories of burnt dinners, and I even have a picture of the sorry looking apple pie I made her for her birthday one year. There was a saying in our house: Dinner's ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
My mother tried when I was a kid to introduce me to kitchen experiences, but it just didn't take. When she would call my brothers and dad to the table, invariably one of my brothers would ask who cooked the meal. When mom said it was me, there was a mass of grumblings to the effect of: Then I'm not eating.
So, just how did I end up working in a tea shop kitchen this year after moving to McKinney, Texas? God only knows. I did ask for new experiences. Well, this one is so far-fetched that it's unfathomable. However, I did an amazing thing on Saturday. Amazing's not even the right word for it. I'm not sure the correct word has been invented yet.
I did all the prep work, cooking, baking, and cleaning for 15 people by myself. The owner's out of town and all her usual help was unavailable. I did it all. I took a picture of the salads I made when we thought the count was 22 (only 15 showed up). That's why I made the extra homemade blueberry scones and the massive amount of homemade clotted cream. I could live off clotted cream. If you haven't had any, I will personally fix a fresh batch and have you over because any excuse to eat clotted cream is a great one. I also can hardly eat it without thinking what exceptional ways it could be used on a man -- something we'd both enjoy immensely.
Okay, back to food. My mind travels so easily to sex. It takes no coersion on anyone's part. I just love to think about it, and lately there have been daily emails to a certain someone in Steamboat that have most certainly exploded in cyberspace.
Okay, now really back to food. So, I made 22 salads, 13 chicken salad sandwiches, 2 tuna salad sandwiches, scones, and clotted cream. I put garnishes on the sandwich plates with red peppers, cucumber slices, and grapes. I don't garnish anything that has to do with food, so for me to even think about doing that was nothing short of miraculous.
I kept up with every single course very easily, kept the kitchen clean, all the dishes washed as soon as they came in, and after the party left, all that I had to do was mop the floor and put food in containers. Oh my god, I was a kitchen goddess like none other. I could leap tall buildings in a single bound if only I had wanted to.
I wear this white apron that I dearly love. I love wearing it so much that I wore it to my friend's house afterwards where I served her clotted cream, lemon curd, blueberry scones, and iced tea. It was decadent. And I did it all by myself. I did it. I did it. I did it. It flowed so smoothly and everything got done perfectly. I felt like a Nobel Peace Prize winner, like I'd won an Oscar. I was that good in the kitchen on Saturday. It was a stunning day to remember, a great one to record in infamy. This will go down in history books, right up there with FDR's New Deal, JFK's inauguration, and Seinfeld's show about nothing.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
I've learned that what I thought I wanted is not it at all. I got everything I asked for and learned very quickly that I am done with that experience. Done. Done. Done. No more crazy relationships. No more analyzing anything to death. No more over-the-top nutso outlandish phone calls. No more. My new mantra is peace. And the very first email I got from someone I dated late last year had the word peace in it. He wished me peace. He showed up at the end of crazy and wished me peace. I find that fascinating.
After crazy exited, peace entered. After declaring to the universe what I really wanted in a man, someone I recently dated showed up again. I see how reluctant I am to talk about my feelings about him. After opening my heart so wide to someone who danced crazy with me, I'm more interested in just seeing what shows up. No analyzing. No expounding on what comes from books, CDs, lectures or workshops. Just showing up and seeing what appears.
It's been one week of lovely after months of crazy. I'm taking it slow because I need a breather. I want to relax and enjoy beginning again with him. I had forgotten how lovely he really is. So honest, up-front, and easy. I remember the times we'd sit naked on my couch watching some team play some sport. God only knows what because I wasn't really watching, and then eventually neither was he.
I remember going to bed with him and feeling good about it. There was nothing to hide. There were no rules, no games, just ease and elegance. He showed up in my life last October and told me exactly how he felt about me, told me what his priorities are, and what his intentions were. Simple, easy, functional. No surprises. He'd call in the middle of his days just to let me know what he was doing, that he was thinking about me, and that he'd call me later. Which he did. He wanted to know what I had been doing and what I would like to do that evening if he hadn't already planned to work.
We played when we were together. We loved graciously and openly. We kissed and hugged everywhere we went. He met most of my friends and told them how he felt about me. It was such a simple life together. But there was this nagging in me that wanted more, more excitement, more energy, more connection, more spiritual conversations, more growth, more expansion, more, more, more.
And I got it.
Within weeks I was gone. I moved to Texas, made a million new friends, joined zillions of meet-up groups, attended more meetings than I can remember, danced at bars, drank with many, many people.
I got everything I wanted. A hundred million times over. Everything I slightly wished for showed up magnified.
I am thrilled with every single experience I encountered. I am grateful for every single person who came into my life and mirrored back to me what in me needed to be altered.
And now I'm done with those experiences. Now I want peace. Now I want more play, less seriousness. More fiction, less self-help. More joy, less strife.
Now, I want space to breathe deeply and enjoy the woman I've become since moving here. And now that I've chosen calm, Steamboat Springs has shown up daily. I'm now working with people in Steamboat on the internet, and now my beau, my Bo showed back up. What an absolutely delightful treat.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Case in point. Speaking of Tom, I went to his Journey to Center workshop in Peaceful Valley, CO last September. Tom is a magnificent teacher, and I highly recommend him for anything he teaches even if you don't play golf or ski, it'd be well worth your while to take his workshops on those anyway!
One day during the workshop I was talking to Tom about having a man in my life. He told me to hold off for at least six months after taking his workshop because my heart was so wide open now. He said that this was now a time for me to absorb what I learned in the week with him and let it integrate without involving someone else.
A couple of weeks later dear, dear friends of mine gave me a gift certificate for a massage/intuitive reading by two wonderful women in Steamboat Springs, CO, so I jumped at it. Right away I was told that there was a man right here for me. He was right here and I just needed to be open to the experience. Hm...
The next day I went to the library in between appointments, sat at a table all by myself when a man sits at the table next to mine. And voila! we began dating and enjoying each other tremendously. I told him from the start that I was leaving Steamboat. At first he said, "No, you're not." Then he said he was going with me, and when it got down to the real possibility of me leaving, he told me to give him two years. Stay in Steamboat for two more years while he did what he wanted to get done and then we'd go wherever I wanted. I couldn't stay in Steamboat any longer. He helped me pack up, and we spent some wonderful time together the nights before I left, and then I was gone.
The last I heard from him was Christmas day until he called last Sunday.
Saturday night I had a too-long conversation with "Sam from Seattle" and all I could feel was that it was so over. In my world anymore, what doesn't fit for me gets chewed up and spit out, and sure enough that's what happened Sunday morning. I got sick immediately, purged my guts out, and went to bed again. When I awoke three hours later after a clear resolve to not have Sam from Seattle in my life at all anymore, feeling clean and fresh and renewed, I get a call from this guy in Steamboat.
Now, you may not believe in many things that I do, but you just can't deny the timing of that call. Right when I was cleared out and cleaned up, in comes a phone call from someone who lit up my life with pure joy and sweetness. There was never anything crazy about our short time together. We enjoyed each other's company tremendously, and then I moved.
Just before moving here, I had a reading from a psychic at a party last October. I asked whether or not I'd be meeting a man. He told me straight out that I already had a man. I looked at him puzzled. He told me that there was a really great man in my life already. My thoughts were so focused on moving to my next adventure that I didn't even see what was right there in front of me.
Looking back on all of it now and seeing how blind I was to what was going on, I realize how important it was for me to do all that I did in the way I did them. I needed the experiences I've had here, especially the craziness with Sam because it gave me a great view of what I don't want in my life. I had been on a search for the holy grail of the perfect mate. You know, the one who has all the right features. For me that was someone who was on the same spiritual path as me where we could speak the same language and understand each other so clearly. Oh dear god, what was I thinking? What showed up was a man who I met at a workshop I had attended. Even though we didn't meet until the workshop was over, I was so sure that it was meant to be. What I did was make him fit the mold I was looking for, come hell or high water. It was some of the most painful experiences of my life. Thank God it was only a few short weeks. Thank you, sweet Jesus! And thank you so much for the great lessons. He was a perfect mirror of what I was going through, and I was able to exponentially grow. I am so grateful.
I want peace. I want tranquility. I want to be able to move through my days calmly, enjoying my moments as I do the things I love. I've closed the door on crazy and opened another one to peace and joy and calm.
So, now this man from Steamboat has resurfaced and after experiencing crazy, I look at this man that I left behind in a whole different light. I appreciate him. I remember our times together and the memories fill me with such joy. I smile easier, more calmly. I'm just happy in a serene way.
Wow, what a concept. Oh, and it's been well over six months since my workshop with Tom.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I've said it before -- I'm a leaper. I jump without looking. I fling myself headlong because I can. I open my heart and love passionately because I know no other way now. I had lived a life of stagnation. I call it a 27-year marriage that looked like one day because every day felt the same. And now? It's as if when leaving that marriage, I left behind the cocoon I metamorphed out of and soared freely. Here's a list of some of the wild adventures I've participated in since being on my own --
1. knelt on Wall Street
2. made love in Manhattan
3. moved to the mountains
4. worked for a shaman
5. traveled to Aspen on a regular basis
6. gave blow jobs over the mountains in a private plane
7. did everything but intercourse in a restaurant in Steamboat (no, I'm not saying which one or with whom, but I'd be willing to do it again with him...)
8. ooh, this is a great one -- helped a "ghost" cross over
9. created a magnificent family
10. moved to McKinney, TX
11. discovered the internet
12. got back to writing daily
13. developed a career on my own
14. met corporate people in NYC I had been working with for years
15. co-piloted an experimental plane over the mountains
16. met many of John Denver's friends in Aspen
17. took a workshop with the magnificent Tom Crum
18. met James Arthur Ray and attended two of his events so far
19. had many experiences with men that will go down in infamy, at least in my memory
20. okay, I cannot leave this one out --I was enjoying myself in the back of my Subaru with my pilot at the Steamboat airport when a twin engine came barreling towards us since we were parked beside his hangar. With my pilot's naked butt in the air, we scrambled to locate clothing and with bare breasts flapping, I jumped into the driver's seat to zoom out of there before the plane parked right beside the car. This, my friends, is priceless. This memory stands out soooo much. We laughed our heads off after we got out of there. I could never drive by the Bob Adams Airport without thinking about it.
But, what I really want to talk about today is what happened yesterday. So, if you've read this far you'll now get the coolest juice.
I spent the day with a new friend of mine, DeDe Murcer Moffett, who showed me this virtual world that she and a team had created. I watched her move her virtual self around, flying, swimming, leaping, whatever she chose to do. This virtual world is exactly how this "real" world works. Her virtual self didn't know where she was going next or what she was getting ready to do. However, the "real" her was pushing the control keys on the keypad and made her swim, fly, walk, etc. What was interesting though was that even though DeDe was pushing certain buttons, her virtual self didn't always follow through. Hm, sound familiar? Our higher selves knows what's best for us, leads us towards the "right" path, but our conscious selves may choose a different way. And so the struggle continues...
It was just so mind-blowing that I haven't been able to get my mind on anything else. It reminded me of Dorothy on the yellow brick road thinking she was going to see the wizard, but instead, discovered the man behind the curtain. I feel like this has been my life. I grew up believing the world I lived in was one of absolutes and certainty. I was told that I could not break boards with my bare hand, or walk on hot coals without getting burnt. I was also told to get a degree, work for a good company, and then retire with a healthy pension plan. I was also led to believe that marriage was sacred and that there was no such thing as divorce. I discovered though that I could break a board like it was tissue paper. There is no security in the job market, and that a college degree doesn't guarantee you diddly squat. And truly, the biggest illusion/delusion was the marriage game. Marrying someone because I couldn't live without him was the biggest farce of them all. Not only could I live without him; I soared without him. My greatest breakthroughs have been these past 2 1/2 years on my own. I've discovered the fantastical illusory world that has been built around me, and as soon as I changed my perception, my world shifted.
And so it is with this virtual world. It exemplifies how easy it is to create everything that you want. You build your own house with ease. You want to go from one point to the next, you can teleport, fly, swim, heck you can even walk on water. When DeDe wanted something or to go somewhere she didn't wonder how she was going to do it, she just did it with full knowledge that anything was possible. She could walk through doors, which she did, when she wanted to get somewhere. No matter what she did she was okay. Whether she was under water, in the sky, or standing on the ground. She was okay. She was never in any danger. She was always provided for. Everything she needed was within her reach.
This, my friends, is the key to the kingdom. It's the knowledge that we can do, be, or have anything that we want -- ANYTHING. It's one thing to know it intellectually, but it's certainly another to embrace it emotionally. Yesterday I was able to embrace it because at one point I couldn't tell the difference between the virtual or the "real."
So, today is like a birthday for me. This is the new me at this moment. The me who recognizes for the first time the real unlimited potentialities. This is all just a hologram that we create. This is our virtual reality. No one else in the world is going to see things as you do. You have that uniqueness that no one else does. You came here to play. See the life you live as that virtual world, because that's exactly what it is. Pick the players you want to share your playground with, and enjoy them with blissful abandonment. Open your heart. Open your arms. Allow the eternal joy to flow in no matter what because you are creating everything before you. What a master you are!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
"Jill, I'm a man. Tell me one thing at a time. Don't go all over the place talking about everything but what it is you're trying to tell me. Have you heard of spiderwebbing? That's what you're doing."
Then he proceeds to tell me that someone sent him a link to a video because it reminded them of me. I asked why they would send him a video about me. He said it was because they knew that he knew me.
Now, I'm sitting there wondering who in the heck this person could be, why a video would remind them of me, and why in the world would they be inclined to send it to him.
He tells me to check it out on the internet.
I watch a baby jabbering away nonstop at her father while she's strapped in a car seat. Dad sits beside her nodding his head and can't keep himself from laughing. The baby is darling. The father is so attentive and oozes love for his little girl. It was so heart warming that it took me awhile to realize that his intention was not for me to see it quite the way I was looking at it.
First of all, no one sent it to him. The thoughts in my head throughout this whole thing were being shot around like a pinball bouncing off one obstacle after another. WTF?
He was trying (I think) to show me how he saw me -- a baby jabbering, making no sense. I'm guessing what he was trying to say. I didn't ask because I was too befuddled to form a question, and that's when I realized how I've been feeling in this relationship. Pinged from one end of the earth to the next. Yes, I'm coming to Dallas. No, I'm not coming. Oops, I showed up anyway without telling you. Ping. Ping. Ping.
I'm discovering how difficult it is for me to be hit with all these different messages. It's unsettling. Why not just say what's on your mind? Don't make up stories. Don't show videos under false pretenses. Tell me, like you did, to stick with one subject, and then leave it at that. Tell me you got a link to a video that you thought illustrated how women talk and would I be interested in taking a look at something that was sweet, funny, and well yes, showed how women do talk without making much sense to men sometimes. I am aware of it, but please think about how you come across before acting upon something. Don't tell stories that are not true. You want to be a master? You want to be enlightened? You want to show how much growth you've had? Then be authentic.
Think before you say something. Think before you do something. And, please know that everything I say to you, I'm saying to myself. I do not like being lied to and having stories made up to screw with me. Do not tell me someone jumped you when they didn't just to see my reaction. I consider that not only unnecessary but mean. What purpose does that serve for you? What do you get out of that?
I'm learning what it is I really want in a relationship and here it is:
I want someone who would move mountains to be with me fully, someone who shows up ready to play full on, willing to explore me physically, emotionally, and spiritually and be that present for me to do the same with him.
Someone who is really available. Someone who opens up.
Someone who thinks of me often, and those thoughts make him smile.
Someone who considers what he can get me to show me that he is thinking of me and is aware of what I like.
Someone who listens because he's interested in what I have to say.
Someone who respects me, honors me, and loves me unconditionally.
I choose better for me. I choose wholeness and authenticity. I choose integrity from a man and in a man.
This is what I desire in a relationship with a man. This is what I desire to give back to a man. Everything I intend to receive from a man is what I choose freely to give to him. I've waited my whole life for this. I was born to love. I was born to open my heart and pour the love out. I was also born to have it reciprocated. That's the intention I breathe life into.
I intend a relationship with a man who can stand up fully and declare how he feels about me, not hide it. I intend a relationship with a man who can be so open and so caring, so compassionate without losing himself. A man that knows clearly who he is, relishes that, and acts easily upon that knowledge.
I desire a man who loves who he is so much that loves flows out of him so easily, a man who respects himself so much that he only gives the best of himself in every moment. And I know for a fact, I cannot have a man like that in my life until I become that myself. It begins with me. I am the one who needs to change. I am the one that needs to step up to the plate and demand more of myself, to be truly authentic and not play games. I am the pinball because I created that game for myself. I choose differently now. I choose the best of myself and for myself. I cannot ask something from another without being it first.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Yesterday the weather here in McKinney was perfect, cool, nice breeze, just perfect for walking the square. There are many towns in Texas with the downtown shops and restaurants built around the courthouse. McKinney is different. The people here are different. The flavor is beyond compare. To walk around the square takes my daughter hours to do because she stops and talks to everyone. I mean everyone. Everyone knows her, and she knows everyone. This is her town. I don't know that I've ever felt like I had a town before. I never felt I belonged to the place where I lived. I was just visiting even if I lived there over twenty years. I could never call it home.
I've made great memories everywhere I've lived, but it hasn't been until moving to McKinney last fall that I felt like I came home. I have always had this strong connection to Aspen and probably always will. It's a soul place for me. A place where I have always gone to get renewed, and living in Boulder county, Colorado I needed renewing on a regular basis. Then moving to Steamboat Springs, Colorado, I would make my regular trek through Glenwood Canyon to my mecca called Aspen/Snowmass. During my last venture there close to a year ago after having dinner at Woody Creek Tavern, after having Reconnective Healing sessions with Lindsey Sandahl in Snowmass, after touring the Snowmass Village Mall during their weekend of green living last August, I felt something else. I felt it was time for me to go somewhere else to create experiences for different growth. It was time for me to move in an unfamiliar direction. So I did.
Two months later I moved to McKinney. Who moves from Colorado to Texas? Never in a million years would I have ever dreamt that I'd do something like that. I left Texas 34 years ago for the land of my dreams, and now I left paradise and moved to McKinney. McKinney may not have the mountains, but it has beauty beyond compare. It has its square and it has its people.
Yesterday I got my library card and checked out movies and a book. The book was on grace. It's called The Unmistakable Touch of Grace by Cheryl Richardson. I read the first two chapters while sitting on a bench in the square yesterday in front of Strada Verde, a boutique filled with clothes and accessories made from recycled or organic materials. I sell some of my purses there. Mary is the owner. She and I both graduated from University of Texas at Dallas. We both have degrees in English, and we both use our degrees every day that we speak our native language.
I sat outside and read and watched people walk around the square past the statue in front of the old courthouse which is now the McKinney Performing Arts Center. Beautiful old building renovated exquisitely. It's a treat to go to all the events there. Joyce runs the show. She's always decked out in the outfit and jewelry for the occasion. The last time I visited MPAC was for a fashion show that my daughter was in. She modeled clothes from True Rumors. I took pictures of her using my camera without fixing the red eye, so she looks like a creature from another planet, a gorgeous one, but still.
Yesterday I read about how the universe works for you all the time, and once you're conscious of it, it is an amazing magical unfolding of events. And that's exactly what happened again for me yesterday in the heart of downtown McKinney. My daughter and I went to Lavender House, a tea shop on the square, for lunch. Tony, who has no title on his business card, plopped down in a chair at the table beside ours and talked with us in between dealing with customers and employees. He ended up going back to my daughter's office with her and I sat outside Strada Verde to read.
Lavender House has a room furnished like a library. Every Friday and Saturday night there is live music while you sip your drinks and eat their special offerings. It's a dream come true to walk through there much less sit and enjoy drinks and music. This is another thing that's so special about McKinney. Every day and every night there's always something going on in the square to bring the people together. Friday and Saturday nights there's always so much going on that it's just nights of going from one event to the next to the next. There's always live music not only at the Lavender House, but at the Londoner, Rick's Chophouse (oh dear god, eat anything there!), and especially Cadillac Pizza Pub. Cadillac may be a dive, but the best local musicians play for us there.
That's where we ended up last night. Thursday at Cadillac's is open mic night. Buzz Andrews, my favorite singer to listen to and to look at (okay, him and Jason Mraz are tied for favorites), is a must see in McKinney. I've discovered that Buzz is not only a pretty face, but a savvy business person and apparently a high school coach beyond compare. Who knew? I just enjoyed looking at him while he sang and played. If you friend him on FB you'll be able to see his beautiful wife and get a feel for how much he adores her. To me, that makes him even more attractive. And last night another new friend got me one of Buzz's new t-shirts. It's pink with a buzzard on top of an electric guitar. "I've been buzzed" is written underneath. And believe me, being around Buzz for me is truly being buzzed.
All of this may sound rather mundane, ordinary, or a classic yawner. It's not a life of jet-setting around the world, blasting through corporate meetings, or rushing through big city highways, but it's a life of friends, of genuine warmth, and of great compassion. This little town, especially the microcosm of these four blocks sheltering the courthouse, has a pulsing heart of its own. Come with me sometime around the square. Meet the people, hug friends, embrace the laughter, and sip wine in the Lavender House library while the piano is played because you will never find the warmth, the open heartedness anywhere else like you will in McKinney's square.
And, by the way, through July 31st you can vote my daughter, Dr. Alyssa Summey, as the best chiropractor in McKinney at www.mckinneyliving.com. Don't forget Rick's as the best romantic Saturday night dinner. I know from experience. Sigh...
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Isn't it just a trip to be so "enlightened"? Great.
So, I went to bed the other night without a means in my little head of how to take care of some bills that were surfacing. Yesterday morning when I awoke, I had a list of things I was going to do come hell or high water because damn it I am the dreamer of my own dreams, and I'm dreaming a world of abundance and love and just being adored by a wonderful man and money dripping out of my pockets and...
Well, here's what happened instead. The next morning I ended up on the phone for 2 1/2 hours with someone about doing business together. I was so jazzed by what was being birthed that I had chills running up and down my spine. I couldn't sit still. I paced while I talked and listened. I was jumping and screaming silently because I knew -- I mean I really KNEW -- that the Universe was conspiring for me. I could feel this amazing energy spiral around me enveloping me in this wonderful cloak of peace. I felt this as if it were a piece of clothing. This was a garment of knowing who I really am. I could see how I drew this experience into me and at that moment I relished in the creation of it all.
The person I was talking to, DeDe Murcer Moffett, has an internet radio show that I had listened to the day before, and I got "hits", as I call them, to contact her about what I was doing to see if there could be a collaboration together and to see if she wanted to interview two beautifully gifted people God put on this planet: Bee Herz, psychic medium, and Rob Wergin, shaman, both from Steamboat Springs, CO.
This conversation opened up amazing avenues of possibilities. I'm still reeling from it all. It also led to another exchange between Bee and me that opened up a door that excites me to no end.
Here's the thing: there was no way in the world I could've figured any of this out. I just went to bed clueless, but open to the magic of the universe. I trusted that I would be given new possibilites, and when I awoke the next morning, they were ushered through my door. Another friend called me and asked if I'd help her with a few catering jobs for some quick cash, and I jumped at the chance because I'm just telling you, I have a blast catering. Who knew? I've been known to be really lousy in the kitchen, but I'm very good at serving people. It pleases me. It fills me up when people feel good about their experiences they've shared with me. I love it.
Now, I'm just putting it out to the Universe to create a way to warp time so that I get all these things done peacefully, that the circumstances arrive in a way that I flow downstream easily as all this magic unfolds. These opportunities are filled with magic. They are miraculous. I stand back in awe of what the Universe has delivered. And now I know that the best thing I can do for myself is get out of my own way. My friggin' ego puts restraints on me that feel lousy, to say the least. I'm tired of playing so small. I am this amazing spiritual unlimited being with so much to give and so much to be. It's now time for me to play this game of life full on. The universe has delivered not only the opportunities, but the beautiful people to join me.
I am grateful.
I am thrilled.
And, I am feeling the love.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Coming out from the other side of the dark night of the soul has been refreshing and brand new, to say the least. It's as if the windshield wipers have not only cleaned the windshield so perfectly, but they're not needed anymore because the rain has gone. Everything smells fresh and clean and invigorating. Ah...the cleansing of the unnecessary. Nonessentials, James Arthur Ray calls them. It's interesting because I didn't know that what I was purging was still lingering from a marriage.
I listened to Bruce Lipton's radio interview last night and he talked about the subconconscious (or unconscious, as James calls it) being the one living out the old patterns unbeknownst to our conscious minds. Lovely, really. No wonder relationships of any kind are so interesting. We're acting on habits from our unconscious and totally unaware consciously, and amazed when those around us respond to those unconscious behaviour patterns that we display. Sound confusing? Listen to Bruce Lipton. Apparently, he's also on lots of YouTube videos. I plan on taking a longer look at this guy's theories. He's coming out with a new book this fall called Spontaneous Evolution. Can't wait. This really isn't anything James hasn't taught, but it was interesting to hear someone else's take on it. It was a great refresher course.
What I'm discovering as I emerge from this tunnel I dropped myself into is that the universe provides for me all the right people and circumstances at the right time every time. It has been my inability to let go and truly trust that I'm so provided for in every way. I feel my hands being clenched, hanging on for dear life. And it's when I let go (usually from being too tired from holding so tightly), that the miracles surface.
Here's craziness factor number 2,567,985. This one took me so far down the tunnel I couldn't see light if I tried. Why? Because I didn't trust. I didn't let go. And for the life of me, I didn't know I was taken care of. But, I'm going to tell you anyway.
This amazing man that I call Sam from Seattle, told me last Friday afternoon to call him when I got home so that we could work on my computer together. Right? Simple?
So, I did.
He didn't call me back until Sunday evening. In the meantime, I plummeted down this tunnel with numerous thoughts of "he doesn't want me in his life" to "something's happened to him" to so much more stupidity. Sunday evening he calls me to let me know that he never received my message until just then. He called me right away to let me know, so in the meantime I'm thinking he wants time away from me, and...oh god, it's too stupid to continue. I feel like I was still in high school. Those crazy unconscious behavior patterns echoed through the tunnel with ease. What the hell? How old am I? How evolved am I? Put me in a relationship with a man that I'm in love with and out goes all the enlightenment I've ever progressed towards. Is this what James means by a quantum leap? I doubt it. I think he's talking about leaping forward not plummeting backwards into the depths of despair.
That was also an old behavior pattern from the ex too. So, with "Sam" I'm learning what has still been lingering that I no longer want. What a great lesson. What an amazing journey we're taking together. I am so grateful.
Now, it's a new month, a new day, a new beginning. Time to move forward into the things I truly do want in my life. "Sam" told me to get a vision board and put my intentions on it. What a great way to begin again. It's time now for me to focus on what I really do desire in my life. The latest layer of muck has been washed off and now it's time to restart my engines and enjoy the new ride.
To all those who have come into my life lately and been there for me, thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Susan, I'll be thinking about you while you heal that arm, girlfriend! Thank you for your kind words and your tender love. I appreciate it more than you know.
Bee Herz (psychic medium from Steamboat Springs), my dear, wonderful friend, thank you for being there for me. It was so great to talk with you and to just spread the love with you. Let's not wait so long to do it again.
Myles, what a beautiful light you are in my life. I look forward to traveling the world with you sometime. Australia is definitely going to be on my vision board. In the meantime, I love sharing life stories with you.
Cynthia, ahh... You are a breath of fresh air to me. You are a beautiful mirror to me. This journey we're on is so much more fun with you beside me. I am so grateful.
And to Sam from Seattle, there are no words. You know how I feel. My cup runneth over...