I was reading over some of my old posts in here and was amazed about all the writing I did on recent transformations. I was surprised by how much I've gone through in the last few months. It's been a whirlwind of a ride. It's actually been quite astounding since I've been on my own, but for some reason it seems as if the growth that's taken place this past spring has been exponential, especially since my week in CA with James Arthur Ray. Since coming back home April 11th life has been a friggin' roller coaster ride. Now that it's mellowed out quite a bit, I'm feeling very, very grateful for it all. I'm not sure I'd have said that while in the midst of it all.
I've learned that what I thought I wanted is not it at all. I got everything I asked for and learned very quickly that I am done with that experience. Done. Done. Done. No more crazy relationships. No more analyzing anything to death. No more over-the-top nutso outlandish phone calls. No more. My new mantra is peace. And the very first email I got from someone I dated late last year had the word peace in it. He wished me peace. He showed up at the end of crazy and wished me peace. I find that fascinating.
After crazy exited, peace entered. After declaring to the universe what I really wanted in a man, someone I recently dated showed up again. I see how reluctant I am to talk about my feelings about him. After opening my heart so wide to someone who danced crazy with me, I'm more interested in just seeing what shows up. No analyzing. No expounding on what comes from books, CDs, lectures or workshops. Just showing up and seeing what appears.
It's been one week of lovely after months of crazy. I'm taking it slow because I need a breather. I want to relax and enjoy beginning again with him. I had forgotten how lovely he really is. So honest, up-front, and easy. I remember the times we'd sit naked on my couch watching some team play some sport. God only knows what because I wasn't really watching, and then eventually neither was he.
I remember going to bed with him and feeling good about it. There was nothing to hide. There were no rules, no games, just ease and elegance. He showed up in my life last October and told me exactly how he felt about me, told me what his priorities are, and what his intentions were. Simple, easy, functional. No surprises. He'd call in the middle of his days just to let me know what he was doing, that he was thinking about me, and that he'd call me later. Which he did. He wanted to know what I had been doing and what I would like to do that evening if he hadn't already planned to work.
We played when we were together. We loved graciously and openly. We kissed and hugged everywhere we went. He met most of my friends and told them how he felt about me. It was such a simple life together. But there was this nagging in me that wanted more, more excitement, more energy, more connection, more spiritual conversations, more growth, more expansion, more, more, more.
And I got it.
Within weeks I was gone. I moved to Texas, made a million new friends, joined zillions of meet-up groups, attended more meetings than I can remember, danced at bars, drank with many, many people.
I got everything I wanted. A hundred million times over. Everything I slightly wished for showed up magnified.
I am thrilled with every single experience I encountered. I am grateful for every single person who came into my life and mirrored back to me what in me needed to be altered.
And now I'm done with those experiences. Now I want peace. Now I want more play, less seriousness. More fiction, less self-help. More joy, less strife.
Now, I want space to breathe deeply and enjoy the woman I've become since moving here. And now that I've chosen calm, Steamboat Springs has shown up daily. I'm now working with people in Steamboat on the internet, and now my beau, my Bo showed back up. What an absolutely delightful treat.