Life is but a dream...

I can hardly believe it's been so long since I've blogged. I have a dear friend who even said he'd fix my virus-ridden computer so that I could get back to my blogs. How sweet is that? However, at the moment, my laptop is busy scanning for viruses, my daughter's with one of her last patients for the night, so I'm on her computer finally writing like I love to. I miss being a writer when I don't act like one, that's for sure. And it is a bit difficult to keep myself focused on my writing when there's commotion going on around me. I can do many things at once, but staying focused on my writing while also listening for a cue to get up and work is not really working so well for me right now.

So, what I want to really write about is this extraordinary experience I had Monday night with my warrior group, six of us united from a James Arthur Ray event last March. If you don't know what James can do for you, Google him. He's amazing, and my experiences with him continue to change my life, especially with my warrior family last Monday.

Our "assignment" was to speak and act as we wish we were. When I jumped in on the teleconference I was hearing about vacations, world traveling, book tours, working with the White House, etc. I got so caught up in it all that it became more real to me than what looked real before getting on the phone. All of a sudden I wasn't thinking about my bills or work left undone. I was in Switzerland enjoying a little down time after traveling the globe opening more RejuveNation LifeSpas and promoting my books. They were chiming in with questions and anecdotes that went along with what I was saying. The more we talked the more I believed. The more questions they asked, the more I believed. I knew I could do all that I was saying I was doing. It was an amazing little exercise that made me understand what James has been teaching all along. Focus on your vision and not what you see with your eyes. That's the real secret. Live from the outcome. Live your dreams to make them real. Give them form. Stay focused on that, not on what others think or say. What do you care? It's your life. These are your dreams. Live them. Be them. After all, life is but a dream.

Peace for now

I was reading over some of my old posts in here and was amazed about all the writing I did on recent transformations. I was surprised by how much I've gone through in the last few months. It's been a whirlwind of a ride. It's actually been quite astounding since I've been on my own, but for some reason it seems as if the growth that's taken place this past spring has been exponential, especially since my week in CA with James Arthur Ray. Since coming back home April 11th life has been a friggin' roller coaster ride. Now that it's mellowed out quite a bit, I'm feeling very, very grateful for it all. I'm not sure I'd have said that while in the midst of it all.

I've learned that what I thought I wanted is not it at all. I got everything I asked for and learned very quickly that I am done with that experience. Done. Done. Done. No more crazy relationships. No more analyzing anything to death. No more over-the-top nutso outlandish phone calls. No more. My new mantra is peace. And the very first email I got from someone I dated late last year had the word peace in it. He wished me peace. He showed up at the end of crazy and wished me peace. I find that fascinating.

After crazy exited, peace entered. After declaring to the universe what I really wanted in a man, someone I recently dated showed up again. I see how reluctant I am to talk about my feelings about him. After opening my heart so wide to someone who danced crazy with me, I'm more interested in just seeing what shows up. No analyzing. No expounding on what comes from books, CDs, lectures or workshops. Just showing up and seeing what appears.

It's been one week of lovely after months of crazy. I'm taking it slow because I need a breather. I want to relax and enjoy beginning again with him. I had forgotten how lovely he really is. So honest, up-front, and easy. I remember the times we'd sit naked on my couch watching some team play some sport. God only knows what because I wasn't really watching, and then eventually neither was he.

I remember going to bed with him and feeling good about it. There was nothing to hide. There were no rules, no games, just ease and elegance. He showed up in my life last October and told me exactly how he felt about me, told me what his priorities are, and what his intentions were. Simple, easy, functional. No surprises. He'd call in the middle of his days just to let me know what he was doing, that he was thinking about me, and that he'd call me later. Which he did. He wanted to know what I had been doing and what I would like to do that evening if he hadn't already planned to work.

We played when we were together. We loved graciously and openly. We kissed and hugged everywhere we went. He met most of my friends and told them how he felt about me. It was such a simple life together. But there was this nagging in me that wanted more, more excitement, more energy, more connection, more spiritual conversations, more growth, more expansion, more, more, more.

And I got it.

Almost immediately.

Within weeks I was gone. I moved to Texas, made a million new friends, joined zillions of meet-up groups, attended more meetings than I can remember, danced at bars, drank with many, many people.

I got everything I wanted. A hundred million times over. Everything I slightly wished for showed up magnified.

I am thrilled with every single experience I encountered. I am grateful for every single person who came into my life and mirrored back to me what in me needed to be altered.

And now I'm done with those experiences. Now I want peace. Now I want more play, less seriousness. More fiction, less self-help. More joy, less strife.

Now, I want space to breathe deeply and enjoy the woman I've become since moving here. And now that I've chosen calm, Steamboat Springs has shown up daily. I'm now working with people in Steamboat on the internet, and now my beau, my Bo showed back up. What an absolutely delightful treat.

Happy June!

What a difference a day makes. Also, what a difference a phone call makes.

Coming out from the other side of the dark night of the soul has been refreshing and brand new, to say the least. It's as if the windshield wipers have not only cleaned the windshield so perfectly, but they're not needed anymore because the rain has gone. Everything smells fresh and clean and invigorating. Ah...the cleansing of the unnecessary. Nonessentials, James Arthur Ray calls them. It's interesting because I didn't know that what I was purging was still lingering from a marriage.

I listened to Bruce Lipton's radio interview last night and he talked about the subconconscious (or unconscious, as James calls it) being the one living out the old patterns unbeknownst to our conscious minds. Lovely, really. No wonder relationships of any kind are so interesting. We're acting on habits from our unconscious and totally unaware consciously, and amazed when those around us respond to those unconscious behaviour patterns that we display. Sound confusing? Listen to Bruce Lipton. Apparently, he's also on lots of YouTube videos. I plan on taking a longer look at this guy's theories. He's coming out with a new book this fall called Spontaneous Evolution. Can't wait. This really isn't anything James hasn't taught, but it was interesting to hear someone else's take on it. It was a great refresher course.

What I'm discovering as I emerge from this tunnel I dropped myself into is that the universe provides for me all the right people and circumstances at the right time every time. It has been my inability to let go and truly trust that I'm so provided for in every way. I feel my hands being clenched, hanging on for dear life. And it's when I let go (usually from being too tired from holding so tightly), that the miracles surface.

Here's craziness factor number 2,567,985. This one took me so far down the tunnel I couldn't see light if I tried. Why? Because I didn't trust. I didn't let go. And for the life of me, I didn't know I was taken care of. But, I'm going to tell you anyway.

This amazing man that I call Sam from Seattle, told me last Friday afternoon to call him when I got home so that we could work on my computer together. Right? Simple?

So, I did.

He didn't call me back until Sunday evening. In the meantime, I plummeted down this tunnel with numerous thoughts of "he doesn't want me in his life" to "something's happened to him" to so much more stupidity. Sunday evening he calls me to let me know that he never received my message until just then. He called me right away to let me know, so in the meantime I'm thinking he wants time away from me, and...oh god, it's too stupid to continue. I feel like I was still in high school. Those crazy unconscious behavior patterns echoed through the tunnel with ease. What the hell? How old am I? How evolved am I? Put me in a relationship with a man that I'm in love with and out goes all the enlightenment I've ever progressed towards. Is this what James means by a quantum leap? I doubt it. I think he's talking about leaping forward not plummeting backwards into the depths of despair.

That was also an old behavior pattern from the ex too. So, with "Sam" I'm learning what has still been lingering that I no longer want. What a great lesson. What an amazing journey we're taking together. I am so grateful.

Now, it's a new month, a new day, a new beginning. Time to move forward into the things I truly do want in my life. "Sam" told me to get a vision board and put my intentions on it. What a great way to begin again. It's time now for me to focus on what I really do desire in my life. The latest layer of muck has been washed off and now it's time to restart my engines and enjoy the new ride.

To all those who have come into my life lately and been there for me, thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Susan, I'll be thinking about you while you heal that arm, girlfriend! Thank you for your kind words and your tender love. I appreciate it more than you know.

Bee Herz (psychic medium from Steamboat Springs), my dear, wonderful friend, thank you for being there for me. It was so great to talk with you and to just spread the love with you. Let's not wait so long to do it again.

Myles, what a beautiful light you are in my life. I look forward to traveling the world with you sometime. Australia is definitely going to be on my vision board. In the meantime, I love sharing life stories with you.

Cynthia, ahh... You are a breath of fresh air to me. You are a beautiful mirror to me. This journey we're on is so much more fun with you beside me. I am so grateful.

And to Sam from Seattle, there are no words. You know how I feel. My cup runneth over...

To excavating -- may they be fewer and less painful

I have been known to be a master at many things, but lately it's been the mastery of self-excavation that I've buried myself in. And this has been excruciatingly painful. Some people may call it the dark night of the soul, but let me just say it's been a whole lot longer than a night.

For those who don't know, I ended a 32 year relationship a couple of years ago. Thinking that I was cool, wonderful, ready to move on, etc. I did just that. I moved to another town and began what I called at that time different relationships with different men. What I know now is that I had many one-night stands with the same men over and over because it never went deeper than that. There were no self-excavations or self-examinations, for that matter.

However, I've formed a relationship with a man that has been different from anything I've experienced before. We chose to be honest with each other, to be in integrity with each other, and those intentions have set in motion this time bomb within me that just exploded. As James Arthur Ray says, "What's suppressed will be expressed at a later date in uglier ways." I know for a fact that it is not only true, but a huge understatement.

Let's just call this man Sam from Seattle. Sam was only trying to help me with my computer, installing anti-viral computer software that he had given my daughter and me to protect both our computers. I tried to install it with no luck. My daughter attempts it. Again, with no chance in hell of it working, and for some reason, when he calls me to see if we'd gotten it installed, I chose to jump into an old pattern so quickly that I didn't know what hit me. Beautiful, wonderful Sam turned into the ex who used to wag his finger at me, raising his voice, and making it clear to anyone in shouting distance that I was pretty much nothing more than stupid.

What? Where did my sanity go? How I could've switched from one reality to another so quickly is still a mystery to me, but somehow I flew into craziness and set up shop as its mayor, because for the past few days, I have been out of my mind creating scenarios that only someone who needs to be put away would come up with.

Why?

Because someone whom I love very much said something benign to me that sent me down this rabbit hole of remembering the verbal outbursts I had experienced with an ex. At first, I would take the ex's words in as truth, learning that I wasn't worth shit, that it was okay to belittle me, to interrogate me, and to chastise me. I showed this man that my self-worth was nowhere to be found and apparently it was okay to shit on me any chance he got. Then I learned to wrap those words around me for protection. I didn't let anyone else in. I formed what I had called relationships with men doing whatever it took to please them, convinced that would entice them to love me. I never went into deep conversations with them. It just became about sex pretty quickly in every situation so that I could keep my mouth busy without having to talk. I thought I had grown so much after leaving the ex, and I did, but the growth that really matters is just now coming out into the open.

And it hurts.

Badly.

This dear, sweet man that I truly love has been allowed in. He's been allowed into my world that I had even hidden from myself. And when he came in, the ugliness that I had been hiding for most of my life surfaced. The inability to truly treasure myself and to know my self-worth rushed to the forefront with such urgency, it left me gasping for air. I'm just now breathing, and it's days later.

Every loud word, ugly accusation, etc. that I endured jetted forward, oozing out of every cell in my body. Not only do I hurt from head to toe, but my throat feels like it has been burned by hot lava that spewed from the volcanic eruption that started in the pit of my stomach. An amazing friend called me tonight "out of the blue" and she began coughing until she couldn't speak. Before losing her ability to talk, she let me know that before that moment she was having no issues with her throat at all. Amazingly, she felt the choking and fire that I was experiencing. Now, that was remarkable. I was in awe of how I saw first hand, that we truly are one.

This whole experience has been a true testament to the magnificence of the workings of the universe. Here I thought I was dripping in evolvement and enlightenment. After all, I'd been working with a shaman for years, and lately working with James Arthur Ray. I'd been reading spiritual books, and absorbing everything possible that I felt led me down the path of higher vibrational living. I just knew I had my shit together.

And then -- WHAM!

I've been expelling shit for days now.

I found my ipod and have been listening to a psychic reading I had a year ago. She (the psychic) says that there will be an amazing being that shows up in my life, someone who has "the genius code and lives the mastery that he is." And then she says that I must be that person myself to attract this man. Well, I did have moments of that mastery until remnants of who I was smacked me upside the head with the memories of verbal abuse. Verbal abuse, my daughter reminded me, that I had allowed to occur. I had taught her dad how to treat me. And she is absolutely right. I taught another human being to shit on me because that was the only treatment I thought I was worthy of back then. Now, I know I'm worthy of so much more, and as this new man showers me with his affection in the form of fixing my computer, I retreat into a fetal position. Hm...makes so much sense, does it not? Where did I get this formula for success? I'm thinking my parents wasted a lot of money on my education.

So now, I'm digging myself out of this hole I buried myself into a few days ago. I'm watching the perfection of the universe show up as beautiful beings come to my aid with kind words, loving gestures, and today, a beautiful man singing to me outside about how wonderful I look tonight. How amazing is all of this? I've had extraordinary phone calls today from people I haven't talked to in a while. C'mon, a singer sings outside of a bistro to me and my daughter as people walked by. What a completely perfect day.

So, thank you, Universe! Thank you, Buzz, for the wonderful song, and to let you know it does not take tequila for me to see how beautiful you are.

Thank you, Mindie, for the truly over the top conversation today.

Cathy, thank you for the healing you offered me. It was so heartfelt and incredibly kind. And, to Emily for her sweet phone call to let me know you're all right.

Alyssa, thank you for always being there for me and certainly putting up with my craziness. You are the best that has ever happened to me!

And lastly, to this kind man who was only trying to help me, thank you for the help you really gave me. I am becoming brand new, and whatever that means for us, I am grateful. If there is an us -- cool, and if there's not, that's cool too. I only wish you the best of everything, whatever that happens to be and whoever that happens to be with. In any case, I'm grateful to you for triggering this journey I've taken to excavate the things in me that no longer serve me. When the excavation is over, the beauty that remains is going to be beyond compare. I can't wait to see what it is.

What the Bleep?! is right

One of the things James Arthur Ray taught me is that there is a law of rhythm. Tide comes in, tide goes out. Life is cyclical, ever changing. Those amazing days I had turned into something else. What was my part in that -- everything... I caused it all. You see, I have this long-standing story to uphold, one that says that I'm not worthy of amazing love, supercharged heightened love, even though I've experienced it several times, just not on a consistent basis. What is consistent in my life is change. One thing I know for sure is that my life will be different in the next 5 minutes. There will be different people, different places, different circumstances in the blink of an eye. That I can guarantee. I would so like it to be smooth, but then I'd miss out on the highs, and those feel pretty darn good. Ah, and then there are the lows. I'm experiencing one right now. I'm looking at why I attracted something into my life that I've attracted before. Why did I do it again?

This morning when I awoke I received an email from a dear, dear friend who sent me the link to What the Bleep?! Down the Rabbit Hole. And in it Joe Dispenza made a comment that illustrated to me exactly why I was questioning my ability to attract what I attracted. Here's what he said:

Everybody is secretly an adventurer. Everybody loves the adventure. It's just taking that first step, and once they have that moment of insight, that moment of insight carries the frequencies in the body and they're enlivened by possibility. They're enlivened by unknown potentials. They're enlivened by future potential that may be down the rabbit hole a little further and if they allow themselves to experience the quandary and the mysticism and the possibility that when they emerge from the rabbit hole they're a different person and now they go back into their world and because they've processed that information and left footprints in the mind and the brain, their perception of the world will never be the same.

Someone else in the movie put it this way:

If you don't see the traps, you have to go through the crap until you see the traps, because if you don't see it, it's your own teaching machine. It's the only way for you to understand something new, so the universe brings these things to your door and there is learning in them for you if you are willing to reflect upon them and to think beyond the rigid mindset.

So, today I'm reflecting. I'm reflecting on why I did it again. Why did I attract into my life something I've attracted into it before? When do I learn that lesson and not repeat it? James said that once we learn a lesson doesn't mean that we won't experience an opportunity to go through it again, but this time it'll just be at a different level because we've changed. This one was definitely at a different level, a level beyond my comprehension, a level so profound I was so willing to throw myself over the edge without thinking twice until I hit the bottom. Ouch...

It was a great lesson. Invaluable. It woke me up, got me out of an unconscious state, and propelled me back into paying attention to what's really going on instead of falling into a vat of addiction -- an addiction to an emotion. Abraham/Hicks talks about going where it feels good. Well, I did just that. I went to where it felt better than it ever had and then -- splat! -- when I ended up in a face plant, I knew I fell without making conscious decisions. Again.

What's interesting is that I was getting sick. Allergies were kicking in, and the last time that happened I was going down a path that didn't serve me. I really paid attention this time when the sneezing got out of hand, and then there were the other symptoms that took over my attention. My body was telling me I was off kilter. I knew it. I felt it. And then there was the train wreck that halted everything. I call it a train wreck when in actuality all it was was the realization of the facts. The facts in this situation slammed into me as soon as I opened the door so wide I couldn't not let the wreck in, and then -- pow! I didn't duck or jump out of the way. I let it slam right into me, and today I'm nursing my wounds a bit. And questioning why I allowed myself to jump right in front of a moving train. Again. I'm not a young pup. I know better. Really, I do. But I did it again.

Wow...I look back on it and I'm mesmerized by the beauty of the twisted metal and lingering sparks of the wreckage at my door. It was all so beautiful. I was hypnotized, drunk, and willing to jump right in front of that blaring light that came right at me. I pushed everything out of the way so I could be the first in its sight as it came barreling through the passageway right for me. Baby, I planted myself firmly in its path, and I did a damn good job of feeling the wreckage of the aftermath.

And today, I just ask myself what did I learn from it all? I created it. I manifested it, and I chose it with everything within me. I did this myself. I did this to myself, and what have I learned from it?

I'm reinventing myself. My previous self would bury herself in her work. This present self, the one that's climbed out of the twisted metal is facing the disaster area head-on, feeling the feelings, paying attention to what she agreed to and what she got out of it. Now, it's time to pick up the scattered discards and clean up the mess. What do I do with what is left? And what is left?

As I come back up out of the rabbit hole and after having left footprints on the mind, who am I now? What adventure do I choose next? The world is such an infinite place of possibilities, so which one do I jump onto now? What have I not experienced that I would love to have foremost in my life right now? What would that be? I still choose love. I choose love whole-heartedly. I choose love without a moment's hesitation, but this time I choose availability also. I choose to love with a fully opened heart and shower that love on someone who can say yes to me, someone who can say yes to me right now because now is all that matters.

Is this a dream?

I've been working like a crazy person learning a new internet marketing program at the expense of all outside stimuli, and some inside ones like sleeping and eating. For whatever reason, yesterday evening I sat still on the couch. Suddenly I saw and felt waves of energy that were so thick they were palpable. I could "see" how everything around me was just energy waves undulating in rhythmic patterns flowing around me and through me. I had the most astounding visual of how we really are connected to everything we desire. I actually saw how the law of attraction works. I saw the offer waves I put out resonating with echo waves that formed interference patterns right before me, and everything I ever desired was always just right there, but since my attention had previously been elsewhere I could never see any of it until last night. I could reach out and feel the waves. I could see how my hand was just a light flowing through it all until an interference pattern was formed, and then poof! there was my flesh-covered hand. Amazing...

James Arthur Ray has been teaching this. I took his workshop on lucid dreaming last month, and last night it came together in such a beautiful way. It was visible and tangible to me. It was no longer just theory. It made sense. And the first "thought" that appeared was: this is the key to the kingdom. It's the moments where we're truly connected in a conscious way that brings to us what we want, not the jumping from one activity to another in a frantic pace.

Late last night instead of staying up on the computer, I went to bed and immersed myself in this energy. I laid there and felt it. I saw the workings of it. I saw my part in it. I felt the source. I mean I FELT it.

I must've fallen asleep, been in an altered state, or whatever, when a friend called me. When he began talking to me, I was listening to his words and felt his presence in the room. It felt as though he had always been there even though he was in another state. The more he talked, the more I realized that his experiences were mine. I saw no space between us. His words came out of my mouth. His thoughts were in my head. When my hand moved, it was his. I knew what he was going to say before he said it. I even said the same words that others had told him earlier that day. He told me experiences that I too had had in exactly the same way.

I knew he had always been with me as long as there has been a me. I heard his voice. I felt his touch, and I knew that there was no difference between him and me. We are one and always have been. There's never been anything else.

That's when I discovered what love really is. It is everything. There's nothing else but this infinite capacity to love because we are nothing but that. I felt for this man the most tranquilizing love that radiated from him to me enveloping us as one dynamic light. By loving him, I embraced all in me. I said yes to me when I opened my heart to him.

I don't know where this relationship is going. I do know that, besides my daughter, I've never felt this way about anyone, including myself. I know that this love that has erupted is genuine and everlasting no matter what it looks like in this dream called life. I know that right here and right now in this only moment that by loving this man so deeply, that I also love the deepest part of who I am because he and I are one.

In a few days we will be together physically, and truly I feel it is my obligation to the world to tell everyone to strap on their seatbelts because the love we express between us will absolutely rock the planet. It can do nothing less.

Grab the popcorn and watch the show...

It seems forever since I last wrote a word in here. I've been engrossed in internet marketing and sex. I've been reading every email and blog about blogs. I've been listening on the phone while a friend tells me what he wants to do to me the next time we see each other. Somehow or another, the two have become intertwined and I see blogging as orgasmic. Hm... Or, is sex another form of internet marketing? How sexy can internet marketing be anyway? Think about that one the next time you're writing an article or a blog. Think about how juiced you could possibly get while focusing on driving traffic to a website.

Of course, knowing that someone is thinking about me right now while I write this also puts a different spin on the writing process. I'm not just thinking with my head. Can women do that? Can we have more than one head? Something to consider when your crotch directs your thoughts...

He's in another state working away, talking to clients, making phone calls, answering emails, writing up invoices and estimates, and driving his truck all the while thinking of how he's planning on ravaging me upon arriving in my town soon. He loves to call me and tell me what he's going to do when I come into the hotel lobby wearing the dress he bought me.

I was watching a YouTube video produced by the Leap! people about how we are all connected. Using a black dot with a white background, they show how there is nothing we are not connected to, how we are everything. So, using that line of thinking when my friend does his play-by-play action of what we will do together how exactly does it affect me? And if we are all connected, is it not me doing the thinking also? Is it not me conjuring up the fantasies and creating the sexual tension in both of us? And that would mean that the both of us is just one of us. That his fantasies are mine, that his desire for me is mine also. That his loving me is my loving myself, and my loving him is just one monstrous lovefest all around.

And -- if we're all connected, then when we conjure up these visions of how we are going to treat each other and we vibrate at that level of excitement, how does it alter the energy in the world? How does it affect people who resonate with that vibration?

I spent a week with James Arthur Ray learning about the world as an illusion. I see the world of the physical as waves of energy that I create with those who choose to participate with me. I create a dream where the actors and I have made agreements on how we are going to teach each other the lessons we are here to learn. I live this dream in full knowledge that those around me are only playing their roles, that they are truly bigger than they appear, and that the body suits they wear are only their costumes.

This thing we call life is only a play, a movie that we direct either consciously or unconsciously. And with this man in my life it has become so much more fun, more juicy, and more alive.

And if we are all connected, hasn't he always been here?

Follow the yellow brick road...

Yesterday I got an interesting phone call from a very dear friend who's doing the critical six along with me. He brought up something that I feel is very prevalent, but not really talked about because I think we just don't admit it. Doing the critical six was something he put off doing because he gets what he wants so quickly that it scares him! I loved hearing him say it. He talked about how he could visualize something and within a very short time it would come to pass. Guess what? This is how it works when you're in alignment with your source. OMG! How cool was this discovery. I loved our conversation. I loved hearing him be so honest. I loved that a man could open his heart and speak his truth without hesitation. You did it, my friend, and once you observe it, you're not it. (As James would say)

Yes, he admitted to being afraid of how powerful he really is, and isn't that the truth about most of us? If we were to really dig deep and admit our own truth, this would be the conclusion of why we're not reaching our goals. It's not because we're afraid of failure. We're afraid of success. When we reach for who we know we really are, then we have to step up to the plate to be it. It takes courage to be that person. As James Ray told us over and over a couple of weeks ago, "Change is hard. Not changing is harder."

What scares you the most?

When you sit down and really look inside yourself for what you want in this life, it's the realization of who you must become to have what you want that is the most scary. It's not about having any of those things (the house, the car, the mate, etc.), if you were to be really honest with yourself. Having things does not bring you happiness. I know. I built the dream home I was planning on living in the rest of my life. I was married to someone I intended to be with until death us do part. Not once did I look at who I had to be to have those things in my life, but what I discovered was that living in that dream home with that husband was the quickest way for me to shrivel up and die because who I had become to HAVE those things destroyed who I really was.

So now, I look at who I want to become first and foremost, and then what kind of playground and playmates I'd like to put in my world. It's interesting because I'm finding that the more I reach inside me and discover who I am, the less people I have around me. I feel the vibration I choose to radiate from is not in resonance with the majority of people. I've discovered how lonely this path can be. It still hasn't stopped me. I choose me first. I choose to dig deep, to excavate who lies within and project out what I uncover. I know those that do resonate with what I find on this dig will show up eventually.

I've been meeting some along this trip. I've met them at the James Ray events I've attended. As James says about coming to his events: "What else are you going to do?"

As I sit alone, journal alone, communicate with my James Ray family all over the country, I know that his question rings true for me. This is a path that leads to Oz, the Emerald City, and this time there is no man behind the curtain because there is no curtain. It's disappearing and the illusion falls away.

All there is is love.

All there is is safety.

We are always and only provided for at all times. Anything else is a myth we were trained to believe.

Just follow the yellow brick road. It leads to the Oz of your dreams.

Critical Six

It's not the name of an action movie; it's something to do every day to change your life forever. Never heard of it? It's been around for most of last century if not before. Napolean Hill talks about it in Think and Grow Rich.

James Arthur Ray espouses it in his teachings. As a matter of fact, he makes it homework for those of us who participate in his events. And last night one of my groups from James' events set us up to begin doing it again. It's now 3:18 in the afternoon and I haven't gotten myself away from the computer and am almost done with the Critical Six.

This is part of my new programming. This is my new way of life. This is what I do to achieve more because I deserve more. I deserve only the finest life has to offer, and the only way to bring it to me is to be the finest life has to offer. It's the Law of Attraction. Be what you want to have. Match the vibration. Resonate with what you want. Feel it, breathe it, be it. Ah...the finest.

James Arthur Ray says," Don't ask for an easier life. Wish to be at your finest."

I told a friend on Sunday morning that what he had to offer me was not enough. I've never turned down something as wonderful as that. I did this time because I want more for myself. I want the best. I told him that I intended to be with one man, and that one man would be a master in life, one who knew who he really is and lived it. One who would show up at my door and take me to a private jet for a quick trip to an island oasis for a week of massages by the ocean.

This friend of mine didn't know what a master was. That baffled me because he's been to more James Ray events than me, and the one thing I've learned from James is what a master is. James teaches that from the stage because James is it. James knows who he is and why he's here. James knows his purpose and lives it with passion. That's a master, someone who makes no excuses for anything he does and pursues it with elegance. It's someone who listens without pushing, someone who makes people feel better about themselves for having been around them. A master does not proselytize, preach, or convince. A master is. A master walks in the room, and the energy shifts to a higher vibration. Those in resonance with it, recognize it. Those who are not, may never feel the difference.

There are now words...

At the James Ray event in CA last week, James talked about how we see only 5%. The other 95% is dark matter, according to the Big Bang Theory in Quantum physics. And what we can see is connected by all this dark matter, so there is nothing we are not connected to. Whatever we put our attention on, is what we create. So one of my friends from last week and I did an experiment last night. We had energetic sex. Is that what you call it? Personally, I'm not sure there are words to describe it. This I know for sure: I had an amazing time, a sumptuous orgasm, and swam in the heavens. And he was in another state (geographically speaking).

Think about it. If there is nothing we're not connected to, then we're already connected to everything we want. There is no need for wanting. What if we can consciously connect to this energy on a regular basis and feel all of our heart's desires? What if we do this all the time? For one thing, we'd see the world without competition. There would be no need for greed or lack. We already have it all, and there's enough for everyone at all times. There's no need to miss someone -- they are with you. Do you get that?

James talked about another concept -- vertical time. Everything happens in the now. There's only now. So, all you've ever wanted to do or wished you hadn't done is happening now. It's all now. It's only now. See if you can wrap your head around that one. There are many universes. You put your attention on one of them and that's the one you get to play in for the moment. You don't like the one you've chosen? Then change your focus. Don't get caught up in what appears to be happening. Pay attention to only that which you want. It's a beautiful concept, but so many of us get tripped up on it. (I'm speaking from my own experience.)

So, I have this conversation with my friend who lives in another state. We tell each other how we would like to be together physically, but until we are, what would it be like to be together at the same time energetically, and do it on a conscious level?

We chose 11:00 at night, just a few minutes after our conversation. I needed to finish up some last minute work items, but suddenly noticed that I couldn't concentrate on them. My computer shut down and my head felt light. When I laid down washes of energy floated above me and then into my whole body. They danced with my own energy field and it was ecstatic.

What else can be done with this energy field? The possibilities are limitless. What does this mean for how we see our worlds? And how we live in them? There are no words...

New best friends

My new best friends are snakes, being uncomfortable, letting go, dancing blindfolded, dreaming, questioning, paying attention rather than paying in pain, and all those magicians at Modern Magick in CA last week. First, can I say if you have not had a James Arthur Ray experience, what are you waiting for?

I have spent a life of working hard at something that drained me. With James I learned how to experience more in 5 days than I feel I have in a lifetime. Here are some highlights:

breathwork to tribal drumming and psychedelic lights flashing for over 2 hours
silence for 12 hours
5 Stations exercise (too complicated to go into here, but well worth the experience)
dancing to tribal drumming with a blindfold on for over an hour
drinking kava and chanting in Hawaiian for over two hours
and last but certainly not least -- sticking my hand in a tank full of snakes to get a key -- I thought that was so well worth it I did it twice

This was 5 days of such an altered state that by the last day sticking my hand in a tank of snakes was a piece of cake. Not everyone felt that way, but luckily I did. It made the fishing for the key just another trip with James. Holy cow, what will we do in June?

Coming back home has been a totally different experience however. I've started working a new business and it's been difficult wrapping my head around some of the concepts. It's done on the internet and being not so computer savvy has not helped much either. Sitting at my laptop today with someone explaining concepts to me was like listening to a radio station that only verbalized in Latin. I never took that language in school.

I wear my keys I got from the snake pit around my neck. I fondle them every now and then. It reminds me of how amazing my experience was. The keys are my warrior symbol. Every challenge James put before us, I did. Sometimes there was hesitation and apprehension, but I did them all anyway. What I learned was that the most painful part of any of it was the moments when I resisted doing any of his challenges, and as soon as I just let go of everything -- every thought, every fear, just everything, the pain disappeared and the challenge became fluid and soft. I danced blindfolded with the beat of the drum. I listened with my heart and felt my way through the crowd. I took my mind out of it and flowed. Once I discovered the fluidity, I let go of the rigidity. It was easy once I let go. Ah, but it was getting to the letting go part that was my biggest stumbling block. James put us through the paces so that we got to experience that fear over and over and over.

There is nothing -- no thing -- that's worth any drama. Nothing is worth expending that kind of energy on something as trivial as ANYTHING. When you know, I mean truly know beyond a shadow of doubt that you are always taken care of, that you have everything you need at all times, what exactly is there to be hyped up about? What?

When you know who you really are, then nothing is worth anything less than pure joy. Because you know what? It's all good. Always.

Just breathing

I have written and deleted so many words already. Type, delete, type, delete. This is how I've been spending my energy now.

I'm exhausted. I'd love to just go to bed. Dare I say, I'd love to veg on the couch and watch TV? It's been an amazingly fulfilling week. One beyond compare. The emotional highs have really tired me now. I feel like just sitting and meditating, listening for the next hot idea. There have been so many. I feel I'm getting a breather for the next round of excitement, my week with James. Ah...James Arthur Ray. For those who haven't heard of him, I don't know what to say. For those who do know him, there are no words necessary to say.

At the moment I'm just breathing. It feels like it's all I can do.

First things first

Hm...the first blog of my life -- ever. I couldn't NOT do it after reading Jason Mraz's blog last night and this morning. Now, he has pictures, videos, and links on his. Don't count on that with this one, at least not until my daughter returns from her fight in Arkansas to help me out.

Yes, I have a daughter, a 28 year old chiropractor who is fighting in her first match tonight in mixed martial arts. I remember the first time her perfect skin got a cut on it. She was 8 months old and fell on the heater grate in the floor. I had to run to the store and get band-aids. We didn't even have them in the house, because no one ever got hurt. Until then. And now, she has bruises all over her body. Her left thigh on the outside looks like a mini-cooper ran into her. It distresses me less as I let go more. I am no longer responsible for keeping her alive or healthy or without cuts and bruises.

She has been kind enough to open her home to me as I showed up at her door a few months ago without any intention of moving back to the state I left 34 years ago, but here I am. We fit together as roommates again very easily. James Arthur Ray called her his angel. Well, she's mine too. To all the powers that be, thank you.

I ended up at her door a few months ago because she invited me to visit. So, I did. Packed a few things in my car and drove through the mountains, plains, panhandle, and then concrete forest to get here. Lo and behold, I fell in love with the people. And the opportunities. And the weather. Did you know you can live in places in November that don't have snow? What a concept! Within two weeks I flew back to Colorado, packed a U-Haul, and crawled over Rabbit Ears Pass very gingerly in blowing snow and ice. And thanks to a very lovely man, I had a sore bum and had to rest on my stomach in a hotel room somewhere in eastern Colorado. Yes, Bo, I have fond memories. Thanks for the going-away present.

This is all so new to me -- this picking up and moving, this leaping first and then seeing what happens. I had almost 3 decades in one day called a marriage, where every morning started out the same and every night before falling asleep realizing that the same thundering thoughts still pounded my head. After years and years of living a life of being on autopilot, I took control of my own aircraft and soloed right out of the marriage and that dreamless life. It's been 2 1/2 years now and every morning is a new adventure. Not one night has been a repeat of the previous. I've experienced loveliness in ways I didn't know existed. Men, for instance. I didn't realize how magnificent they are.

I've had a few penis adventures in these past few years. It wasn't until post-marriage that I got to know penises. I thought that one size fits all. I thought they were this peculiar instrument used to bother me late at night after a long day's work. I thought they were something to slap at like a nasty fly when all I wanted was to be able to escape into dreamland. Now, I know better. They are instruments of peace. I remember singing the song of St. Francis in Catholic church as a school girl -- "Make me an instrument of your peace..." Well now, that just has a whole different concept for me now. After I've had a lovely entanglement with that instrument I feel all juicy and peaceful inside. Maybe if we used those instruments for peace instead of violence, love instead of fear, maybe, just maybe life would become more calm. Maybe we'd be able to breathe easier. I know I do after I've had an amazing ride on that joy stick. I say let's all stop acting prim and proper and stop being worried about what other people think. Let's stop acting like sex is never talked about except not to do it unless you're married and behind closed doors and lights off. Let's shine the light on naked bodies and enjoy each other and truly love and adore the divinity in each of us. Let's bring sexuality back into the light it was intended -- true spirituality. I've done my share of praying at those moments -- oh my god, oh my god. What a gift that is. What a celebration of being human. And what an elegant way to live. I send kisses to all the men I've bedded since singledom. You have all been magnificent teachers -- my pilot and my nyc friend especially. This, my friends, is living full-on. Being open.

I was once told by a writing professor that to write from the heart you must put yourself in front of the paper, put your pen in your hand, and open a vein. This is my first opening a vein in cyberspace. Jason Mraz gave me the balls after seeing his postings on masturbation. I figured if he was okay letting the world (and his mother) see those musings, then I too need to leap. Jason, thank you.

And to my daughter, come home safely. Bruises and all.