Tuesday, September 28, 2010

You asked if I had gotten laid as if getting laid would determine whether or not I had had a great time on my birthday. To me, “getting laid” would’ve been an awful way to spend my birthday because getting laid is something people do to medicate themselves, to escape from what goes on between their ears. I know. I used to do it. Now, I know better.

To me, getting laid is addictive, a drug, a sedative, a byproduct of a life not well lived. I don’t want to run from my life. I want to run smack dab into it and relish it and bask in it. I want to do it with eyes wide open, mind shut down, and feelings alert and ready. Every moment is a moment awaiting seduction and ecstasy and excitement. Every moment is a chance to show up more fully and honor the sacred. Every moment is the ability to begin anew, to love unconditionally, and to show up authentically.

So, here’s my chance. You asked me two questions this morning to find out if I had a great birthday, in your opinion. You wanted to know if I was hung over and if I had gotten laid. It showed me a lot about you and how I’ve shown you how to treat me. I apologize to you for making you think it was okay to treat me disrespectfully. And, thank you for pointing that out to me this morning. It was a wonderful gift for me to be able to step up my game. You taught me what I don’t want. I’m able to see what we have together and recognize what it is I do not desire, and as I chip away at what isn’t pleasing to me, I’m able to be more precise with what is.

I want someone who is respectful of himself, of others, and especially of women. I desire someone who values himself so much that he can only treat others with the highest intentions, someone who has done so much work on himself that he operates from his heart and not his head. Someone who sees life as limitless possibilities, extraordinary experiences, a fun ride on a playground filled with more and more fun rides… Someone who loves to play in all he does, one who doesn’t take himself seriously, one who laughs easily, one who when I think of him can only bring a smile to my face.

There are so many things you bring to our relationship, but when you show up less than who you really are, it rattles me a bit. I see in you the magnificence I know you are, and you continue to be less than. Even still, I see you. I feel you, and I know you. I love you no matter what you do or say. You cannot get rid of me no matter how hard you try, and this morning you tried. I’m not going anywhere, and I love you unconditionally.

You’ve had my back when my family drop kicked me out of their lives. There was no one else I wanted to talk with about it than you. You and I cannot be lovers and not for the reason you think. It’s because we’re not a match. You and I have moments of clarity with each other, but then you withdraw and pass off a self-deprecating remark or tease me about something trivial. We connect on a very deep level and it scares you.  When you communicate with me, I expect you to show up fully, and when you don’t, the communication will be cut short. It’s not that my feelings for you have changed; it’s that I know who you really are, and I expect nothing less from you. You are extraordinary. You are amazing. You are substantial. And, it scares you to be all that. I know. I’ve done the same things. I’m not saying anything about you that I don’t also recognize in myself. Being your friend has changed me tremendously. You can show up any way you want. It doesn’t matter to me. I just won’t play with you when you show up as less than I know you are. I love you anyway.

I am not worried about you, nor do I want to change you. I want you to show up fully when you jump in my sandbox. That’s all. If that’s impossible for you, find another sandbox, but know that I love you anyway.

I love you, but I won’t necessarily be present in your life. It’s too painful for me to be with you when you won’t show up authentically. I have taught you in the past that it’s okay to treat me like that. I apologize. Now, I’m letting you know that it’s different because I’m different. I keep upping the ante for me, and that means those in my life, who want to remain in my life, will need to alter the way they play with me.

I am telling you this because I want you to know why I didn’t play this morning with you. I want you in my life, but it will have to be on a different level. I expect more from me, and those who play along will have to meet me there.

I recognize in you all the goodness, all the compassion, all the kindness, and all the knowledge and wisdom that’s waiting to be unleashed. If I see you again, I promise to show you who I know you are when you look into my eyes. You are my lovely, wonderful mirror, and I thank you for all the gifts and lessons you’ve given me.

Monday, September 27, 2010

flying high..

Flight according to Abe:

You did not come forth to face reality. You came forth to spring off of reality. You came forth to let the reality be the basis from which you take flight.

And that is really what we want you to hear. We want you to be in love with the contrast that produces the desire. And we want you to milk those new desires for everything they are worth.

When you get a new desire, if it is big or if it is small, we want you to fantasize around it and give your attention to it, and take every bit of pleasure you can from the power of your mind knowing that manifestation will follow.

But it is not your manifestation that we are here rooting for. It is your moment-to-moment thrill with the power of your flight.
by Abraham-Hicks
I left my husband because of flight. I wanted to learn to fly an airplane, and he blatantly said no. I wanted to fly. I wanted to soar, and he wanted to keep me tied to him, small and powerless, scared shitless and driven to make him happy.
I preferred flight.
So, here I am years later and still obsessed with flying, still craving the view above the mountains, still longing for the thrill of pulling the yoke back and feeling the wheels lift off the ground. I desire to fly. I ache to sit in the left seat of a small aircraft. I can feel the wheels as they gently touch down while pulling the yoke back, watching the mountain above the nose as I gradually lower it and feel the last wheel touch down as if it landed in velvet. Ah... greased landing. I used to dream of those. I used to awaken in the mornings and check the skies for clouds, the trees for wind blowing their limbs. I used to call AWOS to see if that morning would be a good day to fly.
I breathed it. I ate it. I drank it in. There was nothing that thrilled me like a greased landing. Nothing.
When I wasn't in the air or working, I was studying. I was on the phone with my Aspen pilot asking him questions. We would get together on the weekends, propped up in a hotel bed and go through my textbooks. He'd help me see the practical experience of the maneuvers I was doing in the air.
I had never had a relationship with someone who was passionate about the same thing as me. We could lay in bed forever talking about it and eat dinner reliving our latest flights together. To me, that was heaven, pure joy.
There was nothing about our relationship that our society would call good, yet it was the best relationship I had ever had. It catapulted me into a new life believing in myself and making me want so much more from my life and myself. It was exactly what I wanted without even knowing it was possible, but once I got a taste of it, I couldn't settle for anything less.
It's the contrasts that we create in our lives that give us opportunities for wanting more for ourselves. There were things about that relationship that I wanted differently, so I chose differently. As the years progressed and the relationships changed, so did my desires.
I've fine-tuned what I want now thanks to all those lovely experiences, and since I know better, I choose better. It's true about anything in life. Nothing's good or bad; it's just about what works for you and what doesn't. When it doesn't, do something differently. When it does, bask in it.
And as far as flying goes, I'm soaring.

Friday, September 24, 2010


Okay, I give up, totally surrender. Man, just got something headed my way that I wasn't even close to seeing coming.

So, for a little background information... Almost two years ago I walked into the library in Steamboat Springs, Colorado to relax before needing to be somewhere else in about an hour. I'm sitting there minding my own business at a table in an area where no one else is around. And wouldn't you just know it? A man comes over and sits at the table next to mine. Grumbling about how there were seven other tables he could've sat at, I start noticing the back of his head, nice hair cut, crisply pressed dress shirt... Damn! This was no Steamboater!

And then he turned to face me. Holy shit! He had me before even opening his mouth. He was my last guy in Colorado. I moved a few weeks later, but not before creating a nice bond between us.

The craziest thing is that I don't even think about him most of the time, so busy with work and play and new adventures and lots of... Well, just lots of. What has happened for almost two years now is that when I least expect it, his name comes up in the oddest ways. He doesn't have a common name, but it always, and I do mean always creeps up when I least expect it. And, it comes up in ways that knock me off my feet.

For instance, last night I was sending messages back and forth to a man who's coming out here next month, and we were discussing what we were planning on doing. Now, in his messages to me he would use a little symbol just for grins really. Well, in the middle of the night I kept seeing that symbol and was "told" it was an Indian symbol and I needed to look it up.

I just did. The Indian symbol's meaning in English is the very same word as the Colorado guy's name. WTF?

Knocked me off my feet -- again. Why does his name come up over and over in the strangest ways possible? Just when I think I'm moving on and getting involved with someone else, there goes his name -- again.

I give up. I surrender. And, I just go on about my life because it really is just another crazy day in a series of them...

Thursday, September 23, 2010


I've noticed that there have been situations and relationships in my life that I have not been particularly fond of. They are less than what I desire in my life, so why are they there? I was reading something fascinating tonight written by a friend of mine about soul retrieval. I've been on several shamanic journeys that have helped me tremendously with that, and to read his take on it was wonderfully refreshing. It certainly gave me a different perspective on things that have been happening to me lately.

He talked about having a part of you stuck in the past experience if it was something that kept you from being totally present. My present has not been in total awareness because I've allowed distractions that have not been healthy. Now, I question if a part of me has been attached to these relationships that have kept me from moving forward. What have I been getting out of these distractions? Attention. Ego stroking. Everything addictive, and nothing that helps me to be who I really want to be. I can remain small and have my ego stroked, or I can bust loose from these emotional handicaps and soar through my life. I'm tired of the baby steps that the attention has produced. I want leaps, jumps, escalations, exponential evolution. I want fast speed, and I want it now.

So, here I go again looking at what hasn't been doing the finest job serving my highest good, and it always boils down to boys. Distractions. Pretty to look at, but not helping me get to where I want to go when I'm too busy texting, sexting, handling phone calls, etc. It's been fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fun. I wonder if having the one in my life would be more fun. Don't get me wrong. I don't have a problem with having fun. I'm having difficulty with the amount of time and energy I've invested in things that have not gotten me where I want to go. When I settle for relationships that are not even close to what I'm looking for, then what am I doing? What am I saying about myself? When I engage in the games that feel good for the moment, I'm sacrificing what I want for the long term. When I'm too busy expending my energies playing with less than I desire, then I don't have the inclination to drive myself further and faster to who it is I want to become to be able to attract that man I so desire.

I feel like I've wasted enough already, and it's not really wasting anything. These boys have taught me what I don't want, and for that I am forever grateful. They've solidified what's important to me, and what's important are all those relationships and situations that I can't get out of my mind, especially when I lay my head down on my pillow at night. I invent a world in which I want to live. I create a being I choose to be. I inhabit a soul that flies to heights I hadn't even thought of before, and then upon awakening the next morning and reach for my phone, the same old habits arise that keep those soaring dreams from coming to fruition.

I desire a man who can reach me on a level playing field, who can show up using language that I'm familiar with, a spiritual outlook on life, a man who can make love by bringing a woman closer to her God. I desire a man who can look me in the eyes and enjoy what's being mirrored back to him, and I certainly want to be able to do the same. I want the kind of eyes that I can look at for hours and still feel weak in the knees when encountering them again.

I desire a man who sees riches in nature and not in his bank account. I desire a man who values himself more than what it is he does. I desire a man who loves so openly that there are no games, no lies, nothing besides unconditional love that flows from him easily.

I desire a man who looks at me and feels the divine within, the connection that radiates between the two of us and takes us higher than we could possibly go alone.

And, I want all of this with detachment, where he can go anywhere, do anything he wishes, and say what he pleases, and I can still love myself and him unconditionally with no rules, no jealously, and with complete freedom. Anything less is less than I deserve. No ties. No drama.

What would it take for me to attract a man like that? Who would I need to be to bring into my life someone like that?

I would love to find out.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


Two years ago this month I was in Peaceful Valley with Tom Crum for a workshop called Journey to Center. I was in the dining hall one night with his daughter, Ali, and she asked me a question that has stayed with me ever since.

Does a place make you happy, or can you live anywhere and be happy? I have always thought that happiness is an inside job, and I also wonder how much place has to do with affecting that feeling within.

After recently moving to Santa Fe I've come to realize that place really does affect how I feel because here I've been feeling so much more energetically. Energies are heightened for me here. I feel them so much more intensely, and I feel so many different ones. Last night, however, was the strangest experience for me yet.

I had been texting a friend of mine who apparently had fallen asleep in between texting. (Yes, it was that exciting...) When I rolled over to go to sleep, I felt his energy wash over me, and then I saw him in his life at his home over the past weekend as if I were watching a movie. Now, what was even more interesting about it is that I wasn't watching what he had done or said; I was watching how he felt. Now, I've had some very out there experiences. I used to work with a shaman in Steamboat Springs where strange happenings were normal. However, this "movie" was the wildest ride of my life yet. I was able to watch it totally detached which was really something because his feelings were discordant with his words and actions. That would've bothered me before. Last night it was just an observance.

I learned that I could see how he really felt and notice how different it was from his words, and love him anyway. None of the dissonance took away from how much he means to me. It was a pure unconditional loving experience. I didn't care how unauthentic the movie portrayed him to be. I could see his feelings and understand why his words didn't match.

Playing human is not the easiest thing to do. We're given roles to play from the git-go. We're told how to act and what to say to be polite. Appearances are so much more important in this society than being real. Money matters more than happiness. We're taught to work hard and play less, and in the meantime, we lose ourselves. We lose what's really important to us. And, what's the most important to me is being authentic. I still find myself hiding out. I still find myself not as open as I'd like to be. I still find myself grasping at how to show up in the world. I still see my own struggles, my own lies I tell myself, and my own inability to be completely vulnerable.

I just give myself another opportunity to be authentic, to be vulnerable, to be open. I just keep giving myself chance after chance after chance. Maybe one day I'll do it better,or maybe I won't, but for right now I know that I'm being given a vision to see how it plays out in another's life, and it's such a gift to see how he's mirroring parts of me in my direction, and I can love me anyway.

Monday, September 20, 2010

No one's eaten me yet...

Today is the first day of finally being totally in Santa Fe. Tammy and I had to make a sudden trip back to McKinney for the last of our things. I gave up a lot of my stuff because there just wasn't the room for it. However, what I learned from that experience is more detachment. More letting go. I'm discovering over and over how little material things mean to me. I have finally let go of absolutely everything materially and in relationships. That was the really tough one, but have discovered that the only way for me to move forward in my own way, from my own heart and no one else's was to do what felt right for me. It has been met with so much criticism and judgment. I've been called a lot of things by those who I thought loved me the most.

Well, new lesson for me. Love those! So, I'm here in the Land of Enchantment blessed by more than I thought possible. The more I choose to let go of, the more that comes my way. I've made new family already here. The first place we entered welcomed us to the Mother ship, and the second place became our second home. It's a little coffee shop with the best coffee in the world. The first sip gave me an orgasm, and the owner was thrilled to hear it! He asked me to write a review using those words exactly, and he told me just now that friends and customers have loved the review. Well now, I'm certainly not in McKinney anymore.

I am a woman who speaks from the heart, and those words come unscripted a lot of times. I had no idea that life could be so open and honest and lovingly accepted like it is here. I was given a homemade copper necklace by the coffee shop owner, Dave, today. A welcome home present. I am home. Home for now as McKinney was home to me at one time too.

I've been accused of being flighty, and I can certainly see why people think that, but the way I see it is that my life shifts so quickly that what is true for me one minute gets altered the next. I'm learning to be flexible, light, and easy to move. I don't know how long I'll be here. I don't know all the things that I'll be doing while here or all of those I'll be doing it with, but what I do know is that I lead from my heart. I'm not constricted by what I own or owe, not by who I love or who loves me. I am free and mobile, and for the first time in my life open to all possibilities. I'm learning this lifestyle requires a lot of courage. I've learned to let go of relationships that I thought were solid. I've learned to just let go. White-knuckling it has just been an illusion. My feet have always rested on the ground while my fingers were clinging to the edge of the cliff. It wasn't until I let go that I felt how solid the ground really is.

I'm here in a new place with lots of new people and new adventures. There are certainly moments of being scared. I'm not going to lie about that, but I breathe through them and what shows up on the other end is just magical. I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's. I love everything about what's in front of me right now, including being scared at times. I step forward anyway. No one's eaten me yet...

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

You raise me up...

Floating through life, that's what my friend Tammy Davis and I are doing here. We're showing up and seeing what happens. Everything we thought we were going to be doing here has fallen apart, and the new keeps unfolding. The lessons, the epiphanies, the life-altering moments, everything is course correcting. We're learning to drop the oars and just float downstream. There's nothing else to do. Absolutely nothing.

I first met Tammy three months ago today in the alley beside Coffee 'n Cream in McKinney, Texas. I was working in my studio above a restaurant on the square called Spoons making aprons, purses, bags, wall hangings, and anything else that came to my mind and slipped out my fingers. I had no intention of ever going back into the health care world. I was an artist, not a healer. Not after working in a healing facility for 26 years or working with a shaman for almost two years, not after getting certified in Integrated Energy Therapy and doing a study on the effects of energy on the physical body. Nope. Wasn't going back into that field.

And then, about a week later I was "trapped" in the spa sitting in the front room having energy flow in and out of me in waves forming the infinity symbol. It amped me up so much that I had to grab the next person that came out of any treatment room and shoot the energy out my hands all over her. An hour later we both thought we needed a cigarette. It was that explosive, that powerful, and that life-altering. It was something I knew I had to do. It was something that shot into me and wasn't going to let me go. I began to feel other's energy fields whether they were near me or not. I was discovering a way to make love without another body present. I was having night time visitors that were not in their physical bodies telling me things that only they would know, and then I would discover how true it really was after going on with my life the following days.

That's how I spent my summer. And then I shut down my studio and worked in the health care facility with my daughter, Tammy, and others. That's when everything began to amp up even more until Tammy found herself being called to Santa Fe. Suddenly, I was on the road with her. I had felt my pull back to Colorado. However, after a "hunting" trip to Santa Fe, I jumped on Tammy's train. I had to go where she was heading. I had never been to Santa Fe before, never yearned for it before, but knew, just knew I had to go with her.

The night before I left I had dinner with someone from high school that I hadn't seen since graduation. He treated me like no man had ever treated me before. He raised the bar so high that no one I had ever experienced before could even come close to touching it.

What's interesting about these turn of events is that each man in my life has increased the development of who I'm necessary to be to be open to what's been coming my way here. He not only showed me what I deserve, but what know I deserve. Before him, I didn't know a man could treat a woman like he did, and now I know I deserve nothing less.

In high school he liked me. I knew he liked me, but how could I trust that when I didn't even like me? It goes with that saying, "I wouldn't belong to a club that would have me." So, forty years later I not only like me, but I so enjoy being treated with the utmost consideration and respect. I was with a man for thirty-two years, and was never shown the amount of respect in that time by my husband than I was by this man in one night.

"You raise me up to more than I can be." I used to listen to Josh Groban sing those lyrics, and I was totally confused to how that could be. How could you possibly be raised to more than you can be? How could that happen? I don't know the answer to that, but what I do know is that I feel that I have been raised up to more than I can be. And, while living here in Santa Fe these past few days, I'm discovering over and over and over just how powerful a place that is.

Monday, September 13, 2010

In Santa Fe...
For now...

Reinventing myself again...

Will I get it right this time, or have I always gotten it right and just been fine tuning all my life? I had this discussion with my daughter before leaving Texas. She, along with several others, were accusing me of running from things, places, situations, people, and I told her I see my life as a series of course corrections. I can't go wrong. I can't make mistakes. I just choose differently when I don't like where it looks like I'm headed.

I was feeling like life in McKinney was getting stagnant. I want to be surrounded by energy that resonates with me, and it felt like it stopped being that way for me there. That's all. I go where it feels good. Course correction. Tap of the rudder pedal, tug on the yoke... Whatever it takes to go in the direction that feels good to me. I go where it feels good, where it feels better, and now I'm discovering the best it can feel is within, to feel good because I can. To feel good because I am here, wherever here is. The place doesn't matter. Or, does it?

In McKinney, believe me a place I dearly love and people there I am totally in love with, it felt as if I walked in a fog. Was it me or the place, or both? What really got to me was the heat was so bad, the humidity so thick that I could not ever be outside. I'm not one who can be inside. I love being outside, hiking, biking, walking late at night or early in the morning, or even just in the middle of the day. I could never be outside without being concerned about having a heat stroke.

And the last night I was there I spent a lot of time crying, and fortunately the man I was with was being so understanding and kind to me, allowing me to cry at the bar at Square Burger and then in the arms of one of the owners. I love McKinney. I adore the people there, but it really was time for me to move on.

I showed up here in Santa Fe with few plans, and fully trusting that all is perfectly unfolding just for me and what I need while here. I don't feel I'll be here for long, or will I? Everything brings a question to me. I feel I have more questions than answers. I just know that seeing Birkenstocks and mountains is home to me. Sitting in a coffee shop with mismatched tables and chairs, cyclists tapping on the concrete floor with their shoes, lots of gray-haired women instead of dyed hairdos, organic coffee, sugar in the raw... home. These are my people. This is my place. There's a metaphysical bookstore in town even, something I haven't been to since living in Boulder county four years ago.

So, here I am, for however long I need to be here with whomever I need to be with, and I trust that all is unfolding perfectly before me. I just keep showing up with less material things and more of me. The less I own, the more I discover me. I am free, totally unattached, and loving unconditionally.

I'm here now...

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

energy experiments

I love playing with energy. I work with it all day long. I use it to create my world. You do too, but you probably aren't so conscious of it, or maybe you are.

I've been having the most extraordinary experiences with men and their energies. As a matter of fact, just writing about it is revving up my motor. And now, I have access to computerized technology that can calibrate how this energy affects my body.

If you haven't guessed yet, I'm talking about how making love with a man energetically affects my body. I've had a couple of men volunteer for the job, quite readily, I might add, and they both do extraordinary jobs.

Thankfully, one of them texted me with what he does to make love to me energetically. Our conversation went like this:

Him: It's all about setting intent and channelling the energy effectively to produce a rhythmic pulse of sensual intensity.

Me: What did you experience?

Him: The initial twenty minutes of focusing on you, finding you, then visualizing the experience, then into sleep and the dream of you - the experience magnified and colored by the freedom of the dreamworld... Then finally waking and feeling more strongly energized than for days.

Me: Wow... I still feel you on me and in me. Woke up feeling that way. For me it was pure pleasure of feeling every inch of me being caressed. A very LOVING experience, not about sex.

Him: Yes, that sounds right... I still feel the connection... Sex may form part of the vessel through which the energy is carried but it is the experience of closeness and connection that is delivered which is relevant and still present.

Me: I felt like I was being kissed all over my face and that is something very new. The energy was so loving and real and when I woke up this morning the first thought was: I have been well loved.

So, why am I interested in playing with energy like this? Because I'm discovering more and more that my energetic world is creating my physical one. When I play in the energies that feel good, it's amazing what shows up in my physical world.

I've seen how this trail has created lovely interactions in my life lately, the most noticeable one being that men are showing up in droves. I come from a place of already having a man/men in my life. Energetically I feel men all day long, and in my physical world they come. I get phone calls, text messages, Facebook messages, emails, dates, etc. all day long from men, lovely, attentive, gorgeous men. When I go out, men I've never met before buy me drinks and dinner. This has never happened to me before. Never. When you change within, the outside changes. And what I've changed is how I feel about myself. I feel love for myself, and I feel so very loved by others.

That's what I want to impart in this blog. That by paying attention to our energy and creating passionate relationships with ourselves and others, we create that same passionate experience in the physical. It may not show up the same way, but believe me it shows up. When I have nights like I've described here, I awake with peace. I open my eyes to a life filled with unconditional love. Nights like I've described here are done with unconditional love for another being. It's an experience of not only being one with another, but being all there is. It's not only opening your heart to another, but also trusting the other implicitly. It's surrendering to all and allowing another to merge with your very essence and create something new together.

Sex is sex is sex, and how wonderful it can be. Don't get me wrong. There's definitely a time and a place for it, but what I also know is that there is something so eternal when merging two souls. There is something so incredibly powerful when you allow yourself to be vulnerable and lay your absolute finest in another's hands and heart. It is then that you get to know who you truly are. The essence of your very core comes through and gets to play with another, and by so doing that, you expand into someone you came here to be.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Waka Waka (This Time for Africa) (The Official 2010 FIFA ...

I can't stop watching this video. First of all I love, love, love her hair adornments and her bracelets. I have to have them. They will be my new uniform in Santa Fe. Dressing up what I got!
I am so in love with myself that I can't help but watching what delights me, eating what entices me, touching what excites me, and loving what shows up. I'm in the most amazing relationship, something that I would have never thought possible, and I'm questioning everything that I've ever been taught, everything I've ever believed in, and everything I ever thought could be.
I am in love with the highest possibility of myself, and I gained this thrill through opening up to a man. I've really paid attention to what I was doing when this wonderment arrived at my heart's door. I had just watched David Deida's videos on sex, love, and spirituality. I absorbed them. I took notes while watching them, and a beautiful man showed up in my office the night I was watching the last one. I went out on an unexpected date with him, talking until two in the morning and then kissing and loving on him for three hours more. Boom! I opened up more and more and more. I was truly ripe for the picking.
And then soon afterward when I flung open my door, in walked an extraordinary man that opened me in a way I've never been opened. I've never experienced an inkling of what love is before he showed me what is possible. Oh, if only I could show you, illustrate it, describe it... If only... There are no words. How to describe the indescribable... Speak the unspeakable... The only thing I can do is live it, be it, dive into it, relish it. I told him that I needed a new vocabulary to explain who I am because of him, because of what the two of us have built together, the palpable energy, the loving words, the infectious desires... It's everything. It's all. I wrap myself up in his essence, and I'm transported home, the place where we originated, the place where all is peaceful, where ecstasy resides, where bliss hangs out. I think of him and whoosh! there I go to that address where love swirls and I'm transported to everything.
To my love, ah...

Friday, September 3, 2010

Sexing It Up!

Let me make love to you,
as I bring my head
beneath your loins,
in the nectar of your meadows,
press my warm lips
against your wet and fiery ones,
kiss them hungrily,
lick them,
bite them,
delve into them
with my fervent tongue,
devour you,
and taste of your essence,
as you squeal my name
amid pinnacles of pleasure.

This is an excerpt from "Amid Pinnacles of Pleasure" by Richard Gary Butler. I recently got his ebook called Come With Me, (on his website) and I haven't stopped reading the poetry yet. I spent my morning absorbing it and then writing my course curriculum for workshops on Sexing It Up!

I've discovered that how we show up with sex is how we view our world.

I love sex. Love, love, love it! Love to visualize it, savor it, experiment with it, and surrender to it. I love to wear a shelf bra and let my nipples rub against my blouse. It's sensual, seductive, and juicy. That's how I view my world, my waiting lover, my sensual, seductive, juicy lover. I open my arms wide to the experiences, the people, the words that show up every moment. I open up to it all, and claim it as mine for the experimentation. What do I want to play with? Who do I want to play with? How do I want to show up? I get to pick and choose at my smorgasbord filled with people, opportunities, and words to curiously ponder, to lightly stroke, and to eloquently speak.

Savor and seduce.

Sunsets, outdoor cafes, milky cappuccinos, bare feet, tight thongs, blades of grass, voluminous sunflowers, glassy water, choppy whitecaps... just some of my smorgasbord. Just a very few.

It's unlimited. Every morning I awake to a new array of choosings. I wake up hungry for the taste of it all. I can't wait to swallow the cream, to stroke the textures, to straddle steel bistro chairs, to dip into the inkwell of thick and tasty morsels of scrumptiousness. Over and over. I can go back to the smorgasbord as often as I please. I don't have to eat all that I put on my plate, and I get to pick up a clean plate each time.

A wonderful, delicious man with whom to write. I'll take a very large helping of that one.

A lovely, loving, gorgeous man with whom to swirl in the sheets. Someone to wake with in the mornings and curl his hair around my fingers. I'll take several platefuls of that.

To sip, bite, chew, swallow, sniff, nibble, absorb, savor, and sink into... ah, the juice of living, the flavors of breathing it all in. I awaken with arms wide open, breathing in the fragrances that show up just for me. I throw off the covers and leap. The flight across the chasm is glorious.

Sexing It Up! is all about curling your toes in the grass, throwing off your layers of clothing, and letting the sun bake its warmth into you. Opening up to the greatness that awaits you. The world is your waiting lover. Every moment is a dip into a pool of bliss. Kiss the sky. Hug a mountain. Climax in a river. Scream in ecstasy in a forest.


And whatever you do, don't stop. Keep swaying in the dance. Swing your hips. Pump your arms. Flex your legs. Drink in joy. Fill up. Empty out. Turn yourself inside out and then right side out again. Dive into the depths of despair. Cleanse. Purify, and surface brand new. New skin to caress, to kiss, wrap up in. It's all for the savoring, every square inch. Every delicious, juicy, scrumptious square inch. Ah, so ripe for the picking and tasting.

Throw off the shoulds and wrap up in all possibilities. Tilt your head back, stare at the stars, and let your clothes fall to the ground. Scream to the heavens in ecstasy for all of this is yours. The world is waiting.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

to all my lovers...

I did such a fascinating thing last night that surprised the heck out of me. I listed all my lovers and called each one. I wanted to clean up shit before moving on, and what a surprise I had in store for me!

What I discovered was how genuine I felt about how each one of them had changed me. I am who I am today in part because of them. I am grateful. I don't think they expected to hear from me. God knows I didn't expect to be calling them, but when an idea bites me in the ass, I've got to go for it.

Another thing I discovered was how wonderful each of them are, and how much I truly love every single one of those men -- still. How can I not? They loved me in the way that I showed up for them. They were wonderful mirrors to me to let me know what part of me needed healing, tweaking, and shifting. They are all beautiful men who I remember vividly leaning over me, kissing me, holding me, and loving me the best way they knew how. Why would I want to forget that? I don't. I love every one of them to this day, still, even the one I left behind after 32 years.

I made another call today, and had my heart melt right into a puddle. This man told me that my moving to Santa Fe made him very sad, but he's happy for me. He also said that he wanted to know about me and what I was doing for the rest of his life. With this technology it won't be difficult, I'm sure. He also said that "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat reminds him of me. It's a beautiful song, one of my very favorites, so my heart just burst open on that one.

As you can see, I am a sucker for words, the right ones, and my life is full of men who say the right words to me. Not a day goes by that my knees don't buckle from hearing a sweet-talking man. I am that easy. Yep, it's that easy for me to love, and I just love to love. Men are fun to flirt with, make love with, kiss for hours, curl up with, and do all kinds of playing with. They are just fun.

"Lucky to be in love with my best friend... Lucky we're in love in every way... Lucky to be coming home some day."

So, to all the men I contacted, I love you still. Thank you for playing with me, expanding me, evolving me, and helping me create a new me. I am in love with me, and I have each and every single one of you to thank. There's one more phone call to make. Just one more, and he's the one that was the shortest experience, but by far the most astounding. I think about it daily. I remember that 24 hours with him, and I swear to god, I am transported to a ravaged state, hours and hours of being loved so intensely, so beautifully, so lovingly, so completely that after that one day it was enough. I still see his face. I still think of his arms around me, and I just mush up. An experience of a lifetime.

Thank you, my men. Thank you so much, and the one who answered the phone, "Hello, sweetheart..." Well, I'll be seeing you soon.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Bless Your Lovers

Today's been another one of those breaking-my-heart-open days. Oh god, how many tears can possibly be left? Yesterday I got a message titled: Bless Your Lovers. Hm, I took it to heart, and connected with some of them.

"From inside this vortex of creation, you will look back on this contrast that created it, and you will love it.
Bless you, lover, lover, other lover, other lover, other lover, other lover, other lover, other lover, other lover, other lover!
Bless all your lovers who have left me behind.
Bless all you who cheated and lied. Bless all who stole from me, who robbed me of my virginity. (Just that ONE!)
Bless you, bless each and every one of you for you were the catalyst for this. And now I am over here, [in the Vortex] I'm blessing you. But when I am over here [outside the Vortex] I'm damning you.
We say you can't have it both ways. The only reason you are damning them to begin with is because they helped you become something you are not letting yourself be.
If you hadn't expanded big time, you'd not be suffering in your not keeping up to speed, do you get that?
So you just got to come to the place where you are willing to appreciate all of them. But we would never ask you to find appreciation for those rascals when you are standing outside your Vortex.
That is too much work! Get in your vortex. GET IN YOUR VORTEX!
And to do that, you've got to forget about the rascals. You've got to find something else to focus on,  something neutral, something non toxic, something that is not an issue, something that hasn't been hurting you...
You gotta chill and relax and release and meditate and breathe and walk and ski and surf and bask and sunbathe and relax and sing and love and laugh.
Nurture yourself and eat good stuff and find better and better feeling thoughts and practice them until they become the norm. And then EVERYTHING that life has caused you to become must manifest into your experience!"

What a trip it's been! I've actually reconnected with some I thought I'd never speak to again. Looking back on them, I have to say that each and every one opened my eyes to something I hadn't been willing to look at before. Each and every one opened my heart even more so that I could fall in love with myself because that is by far the most important relationship in my life. The one I have with myself. It will be when I am whole and complete in myself that the man of my dreams will show up. Every person in our lives is a mirror to us, and every lover I've ever had was reflecting back to me what I needed to clean up in myself. I'm cleaning and excavating and purging today, let me tell you. This has been a tough week, but I'm planning on arriving in Santa Fe the person I desire to be, the one who is able to attract a man that is truly authentic, connected, and needing nothing, but wanting it all. There will be no disconnecting, because we'll both be coming from the place of being whole and complete in ourselves. That means that what we bring to the relationship is icing on the cake because we won't have any needs, just luscious, delicious desires of experiencing life and each other to the fullest. Bring it on!