Tuesday, September 28, 2010

You asked if I had gotten laid as if getting laid would determine whether or not I had had a great time on my birthday. To me, “getting laid” would’ve been an awful way to spend my birthday because getting laid is something people do to medicate themselves, to escape from what goes on between their ears. I know. I used to do it. Now, I know better.

To me, getting laid is addictive, a drug, a sedative, a byproduct of a life not well lived. I don’t want to run from my life. I want to run smack dab into it and relish it and bask in it. I want to do it with eyes wide open, mind shut down, and feelings alert and ready. Every moment is a moment awaiting seduction and ecstasy and excitement. Every moment is a chance to show up more fully and honor the sacred. Every moment is the ability to begin anew, to love unconditionally, and to show up authentically.

So, here’s my chance. You asked me two questions this morning to find out if I had a great birthday, in your opinion. You wanted to know if I was hung over and if I had gotten laid. It showed me a lot about you and how I’ve shown you how to treat me. I apologize to you for making you think it was okay to treat me disrespectfully. And, thank you for pointing that out to me this morning. It was a wonderful gift for me to be able to step up my game. You taught me what I don’t want. I’m able to see what we have together and recognize what it is I do not desire, and as I chip away at what isn’t pleasing to me, I’m able to be more precise with what is.

I want someone who is respectful of himself, of others, and especially of women. I desire someone who values himself so much that he can only treat others with the highest intentions, someone who has done so much work on himself that he operates from his heart and not his head. Someone who sees life as limitless possibilities, extraordinary experiences, a fun ride on a playground filled with more and more fun rides… Someone who loves to play in all he does, one who doesn’t take himself seriously, one who laughs easily, one who when I think of him can only bring a smile to my face.

There are so many things you bring to our relationship, but when you show up less than who you really are, it rattles me a bit. I see in you the magnificence I know you are, and you continue to be less than. Even still, I see you. I feel you, and I know you. I love you no matter what you do or say. You cannot get rid of me no matter how hard you try, and this morning you tried. I’m not going anywhere, and I love you unconditionally.

You’ve had my back when my family drop kicked me out of their lives. There was no one else I wanted to talk with about it than you. You and I cannot be lovers and not for the reason you think. It’s because we’re not a match. You and I have moments of clarity with each other, but then you withdraw and pass off a self-deprecating remark or tease me about something trivial. We connect on a very deep level and it scares you.  When you communicate with me, I expect you to show up fully, and when you don’t, the communication will be cut short. It’s not that my feelings for you have changed; it’s that I know who you really are, and I expect nothing less from you. You are extraordinary. You are amazing. You are substantial. And, it scares you to be all that. I know. I’ve done the same things. I’m not saying anything about you that I don’t also recognize in myself. Being your friend has changed me tremendously. You can show up any way you want. It doesn’t matter to me. I just won’t play with you when you show up as less than I know you are. I love you anyway.

I am not worried about you, nor do I want to change you. I want you to show up fully when you jump in my sandbox. That’s all. If that’s impossible for you, find another sandbox, but know that I love you anyway.

I love you, but I won’t necessarily be present in your life. It’s too painful for me to be with you when you won’t show up authentically. I have taught you in the past that it’s okay to treat me like that. I apologize. Now, I’m letting you know that it’s different because I’m different. I keep upping the ante for me, and that means those in my life, who want to remain in my life, will need to alter the way they play with me.

I am telling you this because I want you to know why I didn’t play this morning with you. I want you in my life, but it will have to be on a different level. I expect more from me, and those who play along will have to meet me there.

I recognize in you all the goodness, all the compassion, all the kindness, and all the knowledge and wisdom that’s waiting to be unleashed. If I see you again, I promise to show you who I know you are when you look into my eyes. You are my lovely, wonderful mirror, and I thank you for all the gifts and lessons you’ve given me.

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