Thursday, September 23, 2010


I've noticed that there have been situations and relationships in my life that I have not been particularly fond of. They are less than what I desire in my life, so why are they there? I was reading something fascinating tonight written by a friend of mine about soul retrieval. I've been on several shamanic journeys that have helped me tremendously with that, and to read his take on it was wonderfully refreshing. It certainly gave me a different perspective on things that have been happening to me lately.

He talked about having a part of you stuck in the past experience if it was something that kept you from being totally present. My present has not been in total awareness because I've allowed distractions that have not been healthy. Now, I question if a part of me has been attached to these relationships that have kept me from moving forward. What have I been getting out of these distractions? Attention. Ego stroking. Everything addictive, and nothing that helps me to be who I really want to be. I can remain small and have my ego stroked, or I can bust loose from these emotional handicaps and soar through my life. I'm tired of the baby steps that the attention has produced. I want leaps, jumps, escalations, exponential evolution. I want fast speed, and I want it now.

So, here I go again looking at what hasn't been doing the finest job serving my highest good, and it always boils down to boys. Distractions. Pretty to look at, but not helping me get to where I want to go when I'm too busy texting, sexting, handling phone calls, etc. It's been fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fun. I wonder if having the one in my life would be more fun. Don't get me wrong. I don't have a problem with having fun. I'm having difficulty with the amount of time and energy I've invested in things that have not gotten me where I want to go. When I settle for relationships that are not even close to what I'm looking for, then what am I doing? What am I saying about myself? When I engage in the games that feel good for the moment, I'm sacrificing what I want for the long term. When I'm too busy expending my energies playing with less than I desire, then I don't have the inclination to drive myself further and faster to who it is I want to become to be able to attract that man I so desire.

I feel like I've wasted enough already, and it's not really wasting anything. These boys have taught me what I don't want, and for that I am forever grateful. They've solidified what's important to me, and what's important are all those relationships and situations that I can't get out of my mind, especially when I lay my head down on my pillow at night. I invent a world in which I want to live. I create a being I choose to be. I inhabit a soul that flies to heights I hadn't even thought of before, and then upon awakening the next morning and reach for my phone, the same old habits arise that keep those soaring dreams from coming to fruition.

I desire a man who can reach me on a level playing field, who can show up using language that I'm familiar with, a spiritual outlook on life, a man who can make love by bringing a woman closer to her God. I desire a man who can look me in the eyes and enjoy what's being mirrored back to him, and I certainly want to be able to do the same. I want the kind of eyes that I can look at for hours and still feel weak in the knees when encountering them again.

I desire a man who sees riches in nature and not in his bank account. I desire a man who values himself more than what it is he does. I desire a man who loves so openly that there are no games, no lies, nothing besides unconditional love that flows from him easily.

I desire a man who looks at me and feels the divine within, the connection that radiates between the two of us and takes us higher than we could possibly go alone.

And, I want all of this with detachment, where he can go anywhere, do anything he wishes, and say what he pleases, and I can still love myself and him unconditionally with no rules, no jealously, and with complete freedom. Anything less is less than I deserve. No ties. No drama.

What would it take for me to attract a man like that? Who would I need to be to bring into my life someone like that?

I would love to find out.

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