Saturday, November 20, 2010

fabric magic

While I sit in front of the windows I see the amazing plants outside. I don't know the names of any of them because I haven't taken the time yet to really get to know this place called Taos. One of my neighbors is a Taos history buff, and listening to him makes me want to go to the library and absorb everything I can find on Taos. This town was built on, by, and with very courageous and powerful women, women who chose to live life differently, no matter what the cost. I don't know how courageous or powerful I am but I certainly feel like I live my life differently than the majority.

The heads of the bushes outside the window right in front of me look like bouffant hairdos on little old ladies. I would love to trim them and dip them into a can of shellac and hang to dry. Their stems are so tiny and fragile, and yet the blossoms are large and bushy. I watch them wave in the wind, and am amazed at how easily those tiny stems hold up such massive heads.

They dance in the breeze with such grace. They swing in unison like the Rockettes.  They look as if they're nodding yes to me, and I don't even know what question they seem to be answering. Yes! Just yes.

Yes is my new word. I say yes often. I say yes to the next possibility and the next one and the next one. I just keep saying yes, and the possibilities become profound. I've learned to dance on shifting carpet, as my friend Tom Crum taught me. I've learned that the path I'm to be on just took a sharp detour into the dark woods, and god only knows what's on the other side. I take it anyway.

I have deliberately and consciously chosen to lead from my heart, and I've learned to stop questioning where it leads. Instead, I just jump on that train and hang on for the ride. I always seem to know when to jump off and pick up another one.

I don't feel anything is permanent in my life. I don't believe in "death us do part." My life turns on a dime, and what I'm seeing is how much the new train rides are taking me down tracks I've been on before, but this time I'm riding with more knowledge, wisdom, and compassion. I may have the same name but I'm not even close to being the same person.

I'm back to sewing like a fiend again. I came to Taos without any supplies or machines, and lo and behold, I have access to three machines, a beautiful working gallery, and loads of fabrics. Hm... Didn't I get off at that station once before? The difference this times is the depth of my imagination and creativity. I seem to have opened myself up in a way that helps me see how I can turn just about anything into something that can be worn or used. The reactions I get from people who see my work astound me. I'm realizing that they've never seen this kind of work before. This town is full of artists, and yet it seems I've brought something to town that's very different than what's shown up before.

Well, it certainly amazes me when I'm done with a piece, and what I'm noticing is that it's not just me doing it. There are several people involved. For instance, yesterday while working in the store, I had torn strips of silk, knotted them, and then braided them together. I had also gathered circles of them into flowers. While I was twisting the braided pieces together a young customer came in, looked at it, and said, "Oh, that's a fabric necklace!"

Well, it was news to me, but that's exactly what it turned into. When I showed it to others after I'd finished sewing the flowers and buttons onto it, it really was a fabric necklace like nothing any of us had seen before. I am not alone in this venture. This is community. I have a bag of silk scraps from Katie. My dresser is filled with dried twigs, cactus pods, and sage from the mountains. I have a mica pot from Taos Pueblo clay for its magic to fill the room. And, best of all, I have a pile of Dan's tie-dyed t-shirts sitting beside me on the bed. I know just what I want to do with them as soon as I get to the gallery today. I designed a skirt from knit designer fabric swatches while I lived in McKinney, and now I want to cut up the t-shirts to make more. Put primary colored thread in the serger and off I go. It's taking me so long to type this because I keep stopping and visualizing those skirts. Some of the shirts have holes in them, and I want to zigzag stitch the holes in wild-colored threads to add even more texture. The pictures in my head are making my heart beat faster. With the scraps left over I want to try my hand at more fabric necklaces and belts.

Okay, okay.... I've gotta go. I have to get to town so I can cut up some t-shirts.

Friday, November 19, 2010

living the vision

"What really sets the twin soul union apart from all the rest is the profound degree of completeness experienced and the overwhelming sense of spirituality unique to them. Twins want to serve in some meaningful way. There is also a very sacred sense of intimacy and feeling of divinely inspired wholeness that one finds in a twin soul relationship. It is not by accident nor is it without purpose." --

Whether or not you believe in twin flames/souls is not the point of this excerpt. The reason I keep looking this information up is because I keep getting messages about this very thing usually when I would love to be sleeping.

Last night/morning I saw "movies" of what could be my life. And it wasn't the first time I saw these pictures. The difference last night was that I saw the face of the man that has been in my dreams/visions for years. And this time I didn't run screaming from my bed when I saw what I've seen for awhile now. I saw myself working with a man that I dearly love. I saw our work unfold as if it held magic. It transformed those who wore what we made. I was told by an intuitive years ago that I would make twin flame garments with my twin flame.

First of all, I was pretty skeptical of that terminology. After the relationship experiences I have had, there was no way I was getting sucked up into another business with someone I slept with. I was wanting to run for cover. I never really believed in the whole twin flame thing, just something made up to put labels on certain relationships.

Then along came Dan. Well, that turned this skeptic upside down. The reason I started looking at the twin flame information was because there were things happening between the two of us that I had never experienced before. There were a lot of things. The first one being that I got knocked on my ass when someone tried to ask me out, and the first thing I saw when I "got away" was Dan and me together in New York. That became a wtf? kinda day. I realized for the first time that I was no longer in charge of what transpires. There was something so much bigger than me that took over, and still does. Like last night when I saw Dan and me working together. What was fascinating to me was the ability we had to flow together. There was this seamlesness between us. There was little need for words, and the happiness in that room was astounding. There were moments when I couldn't tell if I was looking at his hands or mine. There was this sense of complete oneness that I'd never felt before. It sounds so trite to write it like that, and it is anything but trite. It was so real, so magnificent, and so very, very right.

It seems like I spent most of the night awake in this vision-like state, watching us live together, play together, and work together. I surrendered my all to him as he did to me, and it was the most pure joy, vibrancy, and ecstasy I've ever encountered.

I cannot wait to create what I saw us making together. I awoke this morning not tired at all, but rejuvenated and raring to get to the gallery and sit at the sewing machine. But first, I'm at the store, and if Dan's box arrives at home while I'm not there, I will move mountains to get to it.

at least 1000 words

After a long day at the store and at the gallery, I arrived home somewhere around nine tonight. I haven't been sleeping much, and I was dragging my ass through the house to get to my bedroom. I haven't been sleeping much lately because my brain is spewing all night long with ideas of what I can do with tie-dyed and/or batik fabric. Not just any tie-dyed and/or batik fabric, but Dan Leo's fabrics. I've been writing about him for a while without giving up his identity, but tonight when I got home, I got an email from him with these pictures and a short little note. He hopes these pictures are worth at least 1000 words.

Well, mister, you got it, and now that you sent me the pictures I'm blowing your cover!! Personally, I'd write across the sky if I could how I really feel about you, but there's not enough sky. So, I'll do what I can here.

First of all, I loved coming home tonight and finding your new pictures not only in my email but also the ones of your work on Facebook. I want everything you've ever made. I would love to be in a room in your house with all your fabrics and shirts and my sewing machine and boxes of threads and beads and batting. Your designs are so amazing, and I would love to get my hands on them. You ain't seen nothin' yet...
I think you're a genius. You're amazingly talented and you up my game. You stretch my imagination. You expand my reach. I look at this design, and I'm awed at your creativity. I have an inkling of an idea of how long it took you to do this and what the process was. I am in awe. I could look at this for hours, and if it were in my hands right now, I would spin my own magic on it. I look at this, and I radiate love for you. Oh my god, Dan, this needs to be in my box that you mailed me. I feel like Christmas will arrive when I get to open what you sent me. This is a dream come true to be able to work with a man like you. Your work is stunning, and I get to play with it. How did I get to be in my shoes?

Something really cool happened today. When it occurred, I knew I wasn't in Kansas anymore. This really is Taos. I know you said that I had to stay in Taos, but I'm telling you I ache to work with you. I know it would be the highest high to stand next to you while we're playing with dyes and fabric. I have no doubt about that at all. Baby, we could rock the world with what we can do together. The world has never seen what we can do, but I've seen it plenty of times in my head. It keeps me awake at night. I sleep with my laptop now because I wake up with all these ideas and can't go back to sleep until they all get written.

Today while I was working in the store a woman from San Fransisco walked up to me and told me that if I would write every morning nonsensical words and read them backwards and forwards I would get the message about why I am here. (Now remember, I'm in Taos.)

She told me that at least by February it'll all be clear to me. It could happen sooner if I'd get busy writing like she told me to do every single day. I told her that I was collaborating with someone in New York with my artwork. I said that I thought I was going to be doing energy work in Santa Fe, but instead ended up in Taos doing art again. She just nodded and said, "Yes, that's right." She told me it was important for me to do that writing every single morning. I told her that I would, and she walked out of the store. As she walked down the hallway, she abruptly turned around and stood in the doorway. She said to me, "You're not staying in Taos, but you know that already." I told her that indeed I did know that. She said, "Look beyond the city lights." She smiled at me, and then said, "And you know what that means." I told her that I did, and then she left.

Then a man named Dave came in looking for information on one of the offices upstairs. We got to talking, and I eventually told him about Ms. San Fransisco and what she told me. He asked me if I felt in my heart that her words rang true for me. I said they did, and he said, "Then I'm going to leave you with this gift today." He reached across the counter and held my hand in both of his, and said, "When you hear something, look within. If it resonates with what your heart is telling you, then it is true for you." I told him that it was true for me, and he told me that what Ms. San Fransisco did for me was provide confirmation for all I had been feeling.

Well now, welcome to my world in Taos. Just another day at the office...

So, would you still kick my sweet butt back to Taos if I showed up in New York, in the town beyond the city lights? I feel that you and I are walking a path that neither one of us ever anticipated. Even though it's a dream come true, it still makes me shake a  bit in my boots. I am bewildered. Really, Dan, I'm blown away by what's happening between us. And I am so grateful, so very, very grateful.

The thing is that I don't see any obstacles. There's this sense of knowing how right this is, and that it will all work out beautifully for everyone involved. This relationship is built upon deep unconditional love for each other. This is a brand new experience for me, especially when it comes to loving a man. It doesn't matter to me that you have 8,000 sons, or that you live a world away. The magic unfolds for us to be together. I am more sure about that than anything I've ever felt before. You and I are one. There's no definitive line where you end and I begin. I know that will become more apparent when we create together. We were born to be artists together. Oh my god, I'm weak in the knees just thinking about it. Dan, if I could just be in the same room with you while you do what you do to make what you make. If I could just watch you... If I could just be with you... Damn, I wish I had the right words to finish those statements, but what I do have are feelings, intense, amazing feelings for you and what you are able to do. I am humbled that you want me with you. I am privileged that you want to work with me, and I am so very grateful that you love me.

This is my Dan. This is the person responsible for the huge smile on my face and my heart opening even wider. By the way, even though I'm looking at your face, I can't help but look at that fish behind you and wish I had it and my sewing machine together right now. God, I've never had the passion for a man and his work like I do with you. My heart could explode right now just looking at you (and the fish...). My heart doesn't lie, and it tells me it's you that I want in my life right now and right now and right now.

I'm going to have to come up with my own language for how I feel about you because there's nothing in English that comes close to what you mean to me.

When I opened this file and saw you looking at me like this, it took my breath away. I don't know if there are at least 1000 words or not in this post, but there are no words, no adequate words, no words that even come close to the way I feel about you. No word has been invented because how I feel about you has never been experienced before. What we have together is beyond words, is beyond what most people know. It certainly was something I knew nothing about until now. You are my love. You excite me beyond measure. Just looking into your eyes, just hearing your voice, or listening to your laughter changes every cell in my body. I am the best I've ever been because not only do I cherish what we have, but I know you do too.
Wherever you are, I am also. You are the air that I breathe and the ground on which I walk. And yet I know... Baby, I know with everything I am that I ain't waiting til March. Just sayin'...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

twin flames

Twin flames, also called twin souls, are literally the other half of our soul. We each have only one twin, and generally after being split the two went their separate ways, incarnating over and over to gather human experience before coming back together. Ideally, this happens in both of their last lifetimes on the planet so they can ascend together. So you probably haven't had many lifetimes with your twin.

 Each twin is a complete soul, not half a soul. It is their task to become more whole, balancing their female and male sides, and ideally become enlightened, before reuniting with their twin. This reunion is of two complete and whole beings. All other relationships through all our lives could be said to be "practice" for the twin, the ultimate relationship.

excerpt taken from

A friend stopped by the studio yesterday while I was sewing away. I hadn't seen her in several days. It was interesting to see the changes in her, or was it all the changes in me? Hm, hard telling when I think about it.

The main difference I noticed was how she was talking about her relationship with the man that she's with right now compared to the one she had previously. This one now was all from her head. She talked about what they did, what he said. It was almost like she was reading a book to me. I wasn't feeling a connection as much as a desperation to make it into something it was not. A need for it to be a certain way.

When she was focused on the man before this one, she'd  speak from her heart. Everything was about feelings. It was a long-distance relationship where they'd connect by phone and have moonlit strolls together. She'd have no need to tell me later what it was like for her, because I could feel the change in her, the peacefulness, the contentedness, the deep connection she felt for this man. I did not hear that once from her yesterday about the current man in her life. She kept telling me how "old" the relationship felt. She knew they'd had lifetimes together as if that made it mean that it was permanent.

When I got home last night I thought about her "old' feeling about the relationship, and I remembered how  all of my significant relationships felt like that -- they're "old" because they're karmic, there's something that needs to be worked out due to the circumstances that were played out in previous lives. I remember that "old" feeling, and that's something I haven't felt at all with the man in my life right now.

It feels new. It feels fresh and right and easy.

I Googled "twin flames" last night because there was something about that term that kept coming up for me yesterday, and listening to my friend talk, something was just feeling off. I had had a reading done by an amazing intuitive two and a half years ago. She told me that I would not only have a twin flame in my life but that I would be making garments with him. She said that the energy that radiates from the two of us together would be like none other, and something the world would be waiting for. She said that we would finally come together when we both were ready for this major shift in our lives. She explained in great detail what we would be doing, how we would feel about each other, and how we would come to know who the other one was. We would know, and all obstacles would fall away.

For years I thought about what she'd told me. I wanted to believe it, but with the experiences I was accumulating, I just wasn't so sure that it could ever happen.

And then one summer afternoon someone I went to high school with showed up to see me. It's been a few months since then, but things between us have been unfolding that have made me rethink what this intuitive had told me. I think he saw the possibilities long before I did. He asked me to make dragonflies for his art pieces in  a show he was in a few weeks later. My head was in the fuckin' clouds, and I didn't do it. Lately, I haven't been able to stop thinking about working with him, and yesterday I realized the magnitude of what we have. The energy we create together is something I've never experienced before, and I guarantee that if the world could experience this, there would be peace.

I believe that everything is energy. I know that we can use that energy and infuse it into what we make together. I know this to be true because I've been doing it for years without someone working by my side. Can you imagine what would happen if we were to be in a studio alone together? Oh my god... the creations that would come out of that time spent together... I'm having difficulty writing about it because the visual and the feelings that arose just now took me there so fully that my hands stopped typing.

Back to the twin flames concept... So, the story goes that twin flames are the two souls made by the final split of a soul. The reason for the split is so that the soul can grow and expand even more by having two separate experiences in many lifetimes before reuniting. And they come back together after being apart for most of their lifetimes. This is not a karmic relationship. They don't have to "duke" it out with one another, so most lifetimes are spent without the other physically present. They reunite when they've both reached a level of growth and expansion that allows them to fully realize who they are and how they can serve the world together. They no longer need a relationship to work things out. This is the relationship that mirrors so exactly who they are, and that's why they usually come back together when they've been through the garbage. This is a time for unconditional love, and that's why these twin flames don't come together physically right away upon meeting each other. The physical time apart provides a time for them to grow a conscious relationship, where they can step back and truly appreciate who they are connected with. The physical doesn't get in the way. And, once they do come together physically, they've already established a very strong loving foundation.

Now, this doesn't mean that there won't be difficulties. As a matter of fact, since the twin flame relationship is one where the complete halves come back together then it can be very emotional if the groundwork has not been set first. That loving foundation is essential before coming together physically because ego cannot play a role in this relationship. The magic that happens in a twin flame relationship is when the two have worked through their shit, the ego (for the most part) isn't a factor, and they flow together in this river of unconditional love. There are no requirements, no needs, no desperation, no holding on. It's a love so true, so light that the two involved can come and go easily and effortlessly. There's a knowingness about the relationship that settles the doubts, and it's built upon such a strong foundation of unconditional love that nothing else matters.

I haven't had a relationship before that didn't jump into the physical rather quickly, so I find this fascinating that I feel more for this man than anyone I've ever been with. Is it my imagination? Is it wishful thinking? Is it that he's so far away that I can romanticize it?

This time around I know. I just know. There are no other words necessary to explain it. I just know. It's unexplainable. I know how it feels though. I know how it feels so unlike anything else I've ever experienced. This is not old. It's brand new. It's the cosmic sigh of relief -- ah, you finally found each other...

And where does it goes from here? That part I don't know. I don't really think about that. I am so enthralled with right now, with the feelings that I have for him, and for the creativity we can do together. That part, that visual of us alone with fabric and dyes and a sewing machine and... oh my god, now that keeps me up all night. To be able to do something that so fills me with someone I absolutely adore... oh my god... The energy that arises within me when I think about that is so palpable that it could launch rockets. I know whatever it is we do together will be like nothing that's on the market today, and I know the world is waiting for it.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


‎"What really counts is to strip the soul naked. Painting or poetry is made as we make love; a total embrace, prudence thrown to the wind, nothing held back." Joan Miro

Last night after a long day in the studio, getting ready for bed, and propping my laptop in front of me, I read these words. I have longed for a man in my life who felt just like that, and much to my pleasure this was posted by a man I adore. I was trying to explain to him how different our relationship is than anything I've ever had, and this morning the word came to me: sacred. What we have together I cherish. I see it and feel it as sacred.

He showed up in my life again when I was ready to hold nothing back, to strip my soul naked. I've done just that with him. It feels like the only thing to do, to be that transparent. It is that safe with him to bare all and know I'm still loved. Sacred. This is sacred.

In the movie, As Good As It Gets, Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt, "You make me want to be a better man." I always loved that line. As a novelist, I love hearing great lines spoken, and as a woman who has longed for a man that can be so heartfelt, that sentiment has always made me weak in the knees. Now that I've shared intimate moments with a man who expresses himself like he does, I know firsthand what it feels like. I know that deep connection that's been there all along and just been waiting for that person to physically show up. I know I've carried that connection with me forever because when he showed up in McKinney, Texas to see me, my life as I knew it was over. And the very best in me was revealed.

Crazy has turned into peace. Doubts into knowing, and love has shown up as sacred. I am in awe of this man. I am in awe of how it feels to think about him. It's as if I've never been with a man before, and in a way I haven't. I've never allowed a man in like this, and probably because it was never the right man.

Every moment I think about him, I am so very grateful that I've experienced all that I have because it's brought me to now. Everything's grown me to who I am right now, and right now I've grown into the woman he wants in his life. Every single heartache, tear shed, wailing and gnashing of teeth has been worth it. I would do it all again knowing that it would lead me right back here to right now with him in my life. 

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

on a mission

‎"Once you have a mission, you can't go back to a job." -- Shai Agassi

This was on my Facebook page when I got home yesterday from the hospital, my new place of employment. Maybe. I thought I was going to be working but instead ended up just dealing with more paperwork, and now having to wait until mid-December to work after the HR orientation is scheduled.

I had the expectation of working yesterday, and when it didn't happen I was really pissed, disappointed, frustrated, and a whole lot of other adjectives. So, when I turned on my computer and saw that quote, the feelings stopped.

I thought I was just going to serve coffee for hours a day and then go to a friend's studio afterwards and create art. She was concerned that I wouldn't have the energy or the creativity after being in the hospital all day. All I could think about was the money.

That's been a constant theme in my life -- thinking about the money, whether it was where to invest it, use it to pay bills, collect it from insurance companies, and lately how to make it. I was once told that sex, God, and money were all the same energy. And, once I learned to attract one, use that same ability to attract the other two.

What this person meant by sex was a partner, but people listened more closely when he said sex. I feel I've had a very close relationship with the energy I call Source, my form of God. I live it and breathe it. I've learned that it's the one constant I have in my life, my only security, and my only reason for getting up in the morning. Without such a strong connection to Who I really am (Source) then there'd be no true substance in my life. Everything is temporary. Everything. I've had really fat bank accounts, and now I don't. Money is fluid energy. It flows. I either have an open allowance of it flowing in or I don't. Just because my first day on the job is postponed doesn't mean that I don't have money flowing in. It's that I got so damned stuck on how the money was going to come in that I was disappointed when it didn't show up that way. I had it all planned out how the money from that job was going to pay my bills so that I could do art the rest of my vertical hours in the day. So, what was I saying about my allowing money to come into my life doing what I love to do instead of serving coffee at the wee hours in the morning? Do I really want to serve coffee? No, but I'd be good at it. Well, I was good at collecting money from insurance companies, but by doing that for years I was cutting myself off from my creative juices. I was drowning in all that I didn't want to do.

And, I know that's how it would be doing anything else but what I long to do. I chose to live a heart-driven life, not a robotic have-to existence. I've already written about how my ass gets kicked when I do something that goes against what my heart's desires really are. I was able to ignore it for most of my life, but I haven't been able to do that here. It becomes physically painful to not do what feels good to me. And, it seems the Universe rearranges Itself to knock me back to where my heart leads -- over and over and over. You'd think I'd learn that by now. You'd think that I would have mastered that concept by this stage of my life. Well, people, in case you didn't know, it took me thirty-two years to get out of a dying relationship, so it feels like my learning curve is definitely getting shorter.

So, in my life the man, Source, and money are all the same energy, so what holds them at bay? My thinking, my programming -- what I call my mental masturbation. It's when I take a vacation from my constant chattering and am doing what I love, oh my, that's when the real magic begins. I can go to a place where nothing else exists. Hours may pass, and I don't even know it. When I look at whatever it is I've created, I know that it wasn't just me involved. I tapped into that higher Source and just let 'er rip. There were no judgments, shoulds, or any of that crap. In a world of all possibilities, I can look at anything in front of me, and see it as a tool for new creations. In that space anything is possible, and it's in that space that I connect with my Source energy and create whether it's art, relationships, money, or anything else. It's in that connection of Who I Really Am that the energetic flow, the one constant in my life, swims freely, and the mental masturbation ceases. Thoughts hum rather than distract. That place right there is where the magic is. That's where anything can come into existence because I allow it. I don't chase it. I go into a meditative mode and allow. My meditation is usually in front of a sewing machine, or while painting fabric, but it's a place of quiet where my imagination soars.

I look at the things I've made. I hear what people have to say about them, and I've been selling my art and doing commissioned work since the late 80s. My artwork hangs in Capital buildings around the world. I've made pieces for recording artists, film makers, women who have fled war-torn countries, CEOs, and the list goes on. And I get bent out of shape because I don't get to make coffee for doctors and nurses today? Really? I think I can only pay my bills when the money comes from an employer? What the fuck is that all about? Just who do I think I am?

One of the most amazing things happened yesterday too that has to do with this energetic flow and what I'm allowing into my life. I blogged about someone yesterday, not knowing how he'd feel about what I'd said, or that I'd put it out in cyberspace. I feel very strongly about him, and I can't not write about that. Sure enough, I got a FB chat yesterday with these words after he'd read my blog -- "we must talk." Gulp. I immediately remembered the long walk down the hallway to the Principal's office. Shit! It was never good news in that room.

He called me last night, and it was the simplest, most honest, and easiest conversation I've ever had. What I discovered, and keep discovering about him, is that he's not reminiscent of anything or anyone I've ever had in my life before. Talking to him is like soaking in the very best parts of me that I didn't even know existed.

He also makes my imagination run rampant. I can't stop thinking about what he does with fabric, and it has kept me up for the last two nights just running  a ticker tape of ideas through my brain of everything I'd like to try with his remnants. I was emailing him long after I needed to be asleep because I had to tell someone about the parade marching through my head, someone who would care about it as much as me, someone who would get just as excited as I was, and I knew no one else in my life but him that qualifies for that position. For the few hours we spent together last July when he came out to see me and my artwork, it was such a high for me to share my creativity with someone who truly appreciated it, someone who spoke my language. And now I know that he can read my posts, see inside my head, and still not want to run.

And while I've been typing this, I've thought of several other ways to incorporate my artwork into streams of income. I write about this man, feeling him, and remembering his words to me, and a whole new world opens up for me. It's the same as when I'm tapped into my Source energy, the exact same feeling. Hm, money, the man, and Source all the same energy. So, that's how it works...

Monday, November 15, 2010

leading from the heart

I'm discovering that I live with two jills -- one is the ego, the personality, the mind-fuck, and I call her jill, and then there's the other one  -- JILL. She is the heart, the soul, the essence, the core, the real me. For most of my life she has been in hiding. She was taught to not come out and play because it was too dangerous. She danced to a totally different rhythm and where I came from that wasn't allowed. I was taught to behave, to not be heard, and to follow the rules without question. I have to say I did that really well for most my life. I did it so well that I buried myself in my marriage, in being a daughter, in being a mother. So, it took me 48 years to dig through all that crap I uncovered, but I still did it. And, I'm still digging out from under some of it -- again and again.

So, back when I was 48 jill became Jill. Yep, she stood up to a man who didn't want to hear her, and she said she wanted a divorce. It took him 2 years to really believe her because he chose not to listen.

By the time she turned 50 Jill became JIll. She moved to Steamboat and worked with a shaman. There was a deep excavation process that went on throughout that two-year stint. The excavation was not only a physical process of releasing all the shit, but a major shift in how she was thinking. She went from being a oh-woe-is-me girl to OMG-what-revelations! woman. She got a taste of loving unconditionally. She took shamanic journeys, goddess classes, sexual rituals, did Native ceremonies... whatever it took for her to value her own voice so she could hear herself.

Not too long after her 52nd birthday, she arrived in McKinney, TX where she transformed into JILl. She went back to a place near where she grew up. She got the experiences of healing childhood wounds, growing up a bit, and tasting the contrasts of what she no longer wanted in her life. She discovered how very tired she was of living a life where appearances mattered. And slowly, all of her possessions were discarded.

Which led her to New Mexico by the time she turned 54. Here, she stripped down to her naked vulnerability. Here, she's uncovered JILL, who's been with her all along, but not allowed to surface fully until now.

Even as I write this I'm shaking. I'm scared. I'm choosing to live my life so openly. I'm willing to allow JILL to absolutely take over, and the roads that have shown up as a result scare jill to death. Bottom line is that I see a road opening up to me that I never considered before,  a life so very different from what I've ever had before... And yet when I look at the visions I see before me, I realize that I was born for that life. Every experience has led right to that path. Everything... And everyone...

What has happened when JILL arrived completely is this feeling that jill is no longer in control. I mean, that little presence has no say whatsoever in what happens. My feelings override every thought I have until the thoughts come around to resonating with the feelings. When I'm in a situation that no longer matches how I feel, oh sweet jesus! I get shoved right out.

The first time this happened was last Friday when I was at a coffee shop and someone I had just met was asking me to dinner. My ass was kicked right out of there. I mean that literally. That's what is so new to me about living this way. It's as if my heart truly leads, and my body is forced to follow. I couldn't breathe well when I was in that coffee shop, and as soon as I got outside, I felt this weight come off my chest. I sighed heavily (and gratefully), and then saw a vision of myself with someone in New York.

Since this was my first time to experience this kind of ass-whupping, I carried on like a two-year old throwing a tantrum. I walked down the main drag of Taos flinging my arms and yelling like a crazed lunatic. I was determined that I was not moving again. I was staying in Taos. I love everything about this place and the people here. I was not moving. Period.

And then it hit me -- for the first time in my life I was seeing myself somewhere else with someone else because I wanted that more than I wanted to be in a place I absolutely adored without him. What's even crazier is that I've seen him for just a few hours in the last 36 years. I've communicated with him somewhat regularly for the past four months or so, but I feel as if I know him so well that there's no separation between the two of us. I feel him all the time. I see him in his daily life. It's the craziest thing, and yet it feels as if this is what I've been waiting for forever. This is nothing like I've ever experienced before because there is no need involved. I'm at peace. I'm calm. I'm not questioning anything. I know. I know. I just know. And now that I can be heard, it seems words are not that necessary.

There's this fine line, a veil that's getting more and more transparent as the hours lapse where I can be here in Taos laying in my bed, and I feel his arms around me. I can be walking across the street, and he's there beside me. I used to have a constant mantra when this first started happening -- wtf? wtf? wtf? Now, it's normal. Now, if I didn't feel him or see him, maybe then I'd be chanting that mantra.

My heart feels so wide, so open it could encompass the world and then some. This is how I am to live my life. This is who I am. If it weren't for all those twists and turns, the zigzagging on this crazy path, I couldn't possibly be prepared to love this man the way I do. I couldn't possibly be able to see the utter beauty in him without all the crap I've carried for years. I had to dig deeply and allow my true self to come up and out so that I am deserving of such a man like him.

I read his words to me, and I am humbled that he has chosen to not run away. I am privileged that he experiences moments that he wants to share only with me.  It has taken me forty years to finally match the greatness within him so that we could finally be drawn together. I never said I was the sharpest tool in the shed, but I am so grateful that we have what we have with each other right now. It is the most open, calming, vulnerable, safe, and loving relationship I've ever experienced.

And, besides all of that we have this passion, this absolute crazy nuttiness for what we can do with fabric. It kept me awake last night. There is no switch to turn off when it comes to creating. My head becomes a virtual TV screen of what I could possibly do with fabric, beads, paints, fibers, etc. And to be able to share this contagious craziness with someone like him? It's beyond my wildest dreams. I've never had a man I could be so open with about what fills me and have him get it, have him feel the same way about the same thing. Un-frickin'-believable...

What if this is the way life is meant to be? What if we are to have partners who we want to confide in more than anyone else, and share a passion with, and feel him when he's physically not there, and know what he's thinking about? What if this is the way it's supposed to be? What if it's a soul union that's been waiting for the physical bodies to just catch up? And, what if every experience leads to just that? Then, how important has every person and situation been to our growth if it inevitably leads each one of us to that soul union?

If that's the case, all I can say to every person that's ever influenced me in any way, thank you immensely. I am grateful for whatever it took to get me to where I am right now, and I look forward to wherever my heart leads me next.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

hitting the jackpot

I just built a roaring fire and am curled up in front of it with my laptop. The wind is blowing the wind chimes along the porches, and I can see the mountains outside the window. I spent the day at the store selling art and Fair Trade items. I got to listen to tourists' travels and their home lives. Some locals stopped by to give me some silk fabric and colored wire. And in my bag I brought my favorite hummus and carrot sticks for snacking. I was in heaven.

I spread out the silks, ripping them into strips and cutting them into circles. I took a spool of bright pink wire and began shaping them into figures. I've never done this before, and like magic the wire turned into recognizable people that I dressed with the strips of silk. I was pleasantly surprised how they turned out, and those working in the shops around me went nuts over them. How cool was that?!

I've discovered so many ways to make art without my regular supplies. For those of you who don't know, I've been collecting supplies since 1984 when I took up quilting. I also bought into a shop and accumulated a room full of supplies. When I built my house I had a 1200 sf studio on the top floor. For the first time I had a room just for notions, one just for my fabrics, and a large area for my sewing machines and cutting table. I had an entertainment area with stereo and tv with dvd/video player. I had shelves and shelves for my books, and closets full of beads, wires, jewelry-making tools, stamps, inks, paints, etc. If there was something on the market that I wanted, you can bet that it was in my studio pronto. I lacked nothing. I had it all. More threads than some stores even.

Then September 11, 2010 I moved to New Mexico with absolutely none of it. I sold a lot, gave a lot away, and left a lot with family and a dear sweet friend. (Thank you, Molly!) This has forced me into rethinking, recreating, reimagining how I can work with materials I have already or some I can find outside my house. That process alone has stretched me in ways I never thought possible. Today when I was shaping that wire, I had no idea I was capable of making wire look like human figures. Where did that come from? When I cut out dragonflies from magazines I free-formed them. I didn't draw them, I just cut. Was it all those years of thread painting with my sewing machine? I'm sure that has something to do with it, but I also know there's a lovely little place I go when I'm handed little treasures like I was today. I dip into the bags and just create with what I have. I get so much joy out of it that I think I could pop right out of my skin.

So after pricing my little gems and leaving them at the store, I got the kindest offer by a friend who took me to the grocery store so I can have my coffee in the morning. We talked for hours and then she took me home. What an absolutely amazing way to spend my day today. And then tonight while sitting in the living room by the fire, my neighbors came over with drinks, and we just got to know one another. They went home to fix dinner and as soon as I'm done here I'm joining them.

Now, here's another not so little thing that happened when I got home tonight. A dear, wonderful man read my previous postings on my blog and sent me private messages that so warmed my heart. I am one of the most blessed people I know, and I am so very, very grateful.

And just one last thing. On the walk to work this morning, a notion hit me. I wrote a novel years ago that just got published last year. In all the years that have passed since beginning this novel everything that happened to my main character ended up happening to me except ONE thing. And that one thing is coming to pass. You see, in the novel the main character is a woman named Grace. At the time I wrote the book Grace and I had two things in common: we both worked in our husbands' offices, and we both quilted. Grace did something dramatically different than I had ever tried at the time. She met a male artist back east, and he painted on fabric that she would sew together. When she returned home to her husband, that male artist sent her boxes of painted fabrics that she then created art with. That is the ONE thing that has not happened to me yet. However, on my walk to work this morning I realized the offer that a male artist made to me. He's sending me a box of fabrics that he's dyed. Here's something I never thought of when I was writing that book. This wonderful man who lives back east is not only sending me his dyed remnants but he's sending a batch of homemade cookies too!

And that, my friends, is what it's like to hit the jackpot!

Friday, November 12, 2010

To Tammy

So, the day has passed. I'm now home alone as Tammy is with her boyfriend, and the owner of the house is in Santa Fe. I love this house. I love Tammy so much. She is the reason I'm in Taos. She is the reason I came to New Mexico at all. And something happened today that made me feel ties to Taos being cut. I could feel the cord being severed, and quite frankly I just want to land. I love it here, and at the same time I "see" myself somewhere else. Really? I just got a new job that I'm so excited about I can hardly stand it. I've made friends I want to see on a regular basis. I've given up a car, a phone, a lifestyle, my art/sewing supplies... I keep dropping baggage everywhere I go. I'm down to my panties really, and it feels like it's time to let those go too. (Oh, I can tell where some of my friends' minds just went...)

Whether or not I move is not the point. I feel the point to what happened today was about me being able to say yes to moving again. It was an experience that showed me that I'm not to have ties here either. Untethered, my new job description...

Tammy's not hanging with me much anymore. We both have jobs that take us to different parts of town, and she's with her boyfriend most other times. She's planted here. I thought I was too. I thought I was ready to put down roots here, and maybe I will, but it just seems that being attached to this place is not in my future (or my present). I'm whining. I'm bellyaching because I had expectations. Oh shit... When will I ever learn that lesson?

Once upon a time here in Taos I was dating a wonderful, amazing man, but even though he was the one who ended the relationship, I had no qualms about it. It has been very easy not seeing him anymore. I knew, I knew deep down, that there was nothing sustainable about a romantic relationship with him. I knew it. I felt it, and I am deeply touched to have had him in my life.

Then this afternoon Tammy and I were in a coffee shop with her boyfriend, and I was introduced to an acquaintance of theirs. Really fascinating guy whose conversation intrigued me. He sat closer to me. He leaned into me, and then he started talking about having us over for dinner. All of a sudden this awful feeling swept over me. I felt like I couldn't talk. I listened to them talk, and I wanted to flee. My throat was constricting as I stood up and put on my jacket. I told them that I had to scoot over to a friend's store to talk business. This very nice man asked if I'd come back another time and join him. I don't know what I said, and I'm not even sure that's what he said to me. As soon as I got outside I could breathe easier. I walked briskly away from there, and as I did I saw a picture flash through my head. Well, holy mother of God... I saw myself in New York with someone I met forty years ago.

Every day here in New Mexico has been a day of letting go of what I think I want or what I think it looks like or whatever else. There's this head and heart game I play every now and then, and today has been one of those times. My head says I want to stay here in Taos, work my jobs, play with my friends, and meet new people while doing art. I want to live in my house and just go about my life, simply with no fanfare, no extravagance, no great meaningful purpose. I just want to wake up in the mornings and greet the days with a smile on my face. I want to serve coffee and sell art. I want simplicity.

And then there's this heart thing... Yeah, yeah, yeah... God, it's got a loud voice that shuts up the head. I came here with Tammy to live from my heart. I came here with Tammy to open my heart wide and love authentically and transparently. I'm not sure how or when my heart opened up so easily to allow this man in, but I know that today I have surrendered to all possibilities. I have let go of Taos, and if I should stay here... Well, I'd be perfectly fine with that, and I also know that being tied to a place is not in the cards for me either.

I live a fuckin' crazy life. No one has to tell me that. I am well aware of it. It's crazy because it's heart-driven and there are no rules. I have seen this man for a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon in the last 36 years, and my heart is wide open to him. I didn't even do that with my husband and I was with him for 32 years!

I have to give Tammy so much credit for helping me through all of this. She's taught me so much about openly loving people. She has one of the purest hearts I've ever encountered, and to know that I'm willing to live somewhere else so far away from her is showing me how much I've grown since meeting her last June. Yep, you read that right. Tammy and I met just last June. Almost three months later I move to another state with her. And now I'm willing to consider another move -- down the road. Please, God, let it be way down the road. I'm just now standing on my own two feet again...

I love deeply. I love easily, and I love openly. Tammy, this one's for you. I am who I am today because of you. There is no one on this planet who knows me like you do, who has put up with me like you have, and who has loved me anyway like you have. Your sons and you are my family. I am blessed. I am privileged, and oh so grateful to be able to call you my sister. I miss you so much, and I am so happy for you. Your dreams are all coming true right here in Taos, something you've ached for. It's a lovely vision to watch, and thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of it.

It feels like I'm saying good bye, and I'm really trying not to do that, but something happened today. Something so tangible that I could physically feel myself being pulled away. As much as my head says no to anything else but Taos, my heart shuts out its blubbering. My heart wins. I'm untethered, and it could still mean years for me in Taos with you. Or not. It's the "or not" I'm wrapping my head around because my heart is loving the idea.

things that make me go hm...

I used to ask for signs. Lately I've had so many coming at me that it's been difficult to remember them all. However, for many, many years now the signs have still been pointing in the same directions, even though they're on two separate sides of the map -- Windstar in Old Snowmass, Colorado and New York. WTF???

First, I have one thing to say before I get into any of that. I LOVE TAOS!!! I love being here with Tammy. I love the house I live in. I love the places I work. I love the people here. I love the energy. I love it all. I'm going to repeat myself here -- wtf???

So, here's a few things that have happened this morning. While drying off after my shower, a thought hit me (as they often do...) that since singledom I've apparently made it a habit to move every two years. Now, let me just say that all morning I was thinking about how much I love Taos and how much I truly enjoy serving the people here. I am so excited about being able to provide meals and coffee and desserts for them next week. I was even thinking about how much fun it would be to run a restaurant with Tammy here with her magnificent recipes. And then I get out of the shower and am knocked upside the head with the idea that I've moved every two years since being single. Two years ago today I arrived in McKinney, Texas with my U-Haul. Hm...

While living in McKinney last July a friend of mine who lives in New York came to visit me and see my studio. While looking at all my stuff, he was quite taken with a little piece I made with dragonflies on it. I gave it to him, and he has since asked me to make him some dragonflies to put on his own art. That's what I've been doing lately instead of doing it last August when he asked for them. Oh well...

Now I'm obsessed with them. I've been making them like crazy, and this morning I decided to look them up in Ted Andrews' Animal Speak. Here's what jumped out at me immediately:

Dragonflies are very territorial. They will lay their eggs within their territory near the water. The egg eventually develops into the nymph stage of metamorphosis in this insect, and remains as a nymph for almost two years before it transforms into an adult dragonfly or damselfly. This can reflect a number of possibilities for those with this totem. It can indicate that an approximate two-year period of change is about to reach its culmination. It may reflect that you are coming into a two-year period of transformation. It may even reflect a need to institute changes that may culminate in the colorful transformations you desire within a two-year period.

Well now... I know I'd be crazy for trying to figure out what any of this means. God knows my interpretations in the past have sent me up shit creek, so I'm not going in that direction now. I'm just noticing patterns and synchronicities -- 2 years, dragonflies, moving, New York...

I just read those words I typed and am surprised at the order I put them in... again, just noticing patterns (I'm telling myself this...)

When I opened Animal Speak to the page with the dragonfly description, I noticed a notation I had made. On June 24, 2005 I was at John Denver's Windstar Foundation in Old Snowmass, Colorado where a dragonfly landed on me. According to the book, in some Native American culture the dragonfly represents the soul of the dead. Really... Just read that.

So, 36 years have passed since I saw this guy I went to high school with (the NY guy). He comes to visit last July and loves my dragonflies. The day he came to town changed everything, and I didn't know it until he left. First of all, he met some of my friends in McKinney. We went to a friend's home where she was putting on a dinner party. My NY friend couldn't stay, but there was something that stuck with me after he was physically gone because that night I could no longer participate in my usual McKinney routine. Every person at that dinner was a very dear, wonderful  friend of mine, but I couldn't stay. I kept leaving the party, walking to the square to just be alone and think. Looking back on it now I realize that there was something between my NY friend and I that was exchanged on a soul level. I have not been the same since. It was that night that I was ready to leave McKinney even though it didn't happen for another two months.

In my life, energy plays a much bigger role than what my physical world looks like. As Ted Andrews says, "Dragonfly can help you to see through your illusions and thus allow your own light to shine forth. Dragonfly brings the brightness of transformation and the wonder of colorful new vision." I don't look at what's in front of me and believe that's all there is. I listen to the words spoken to me, and know that's only part of the story. I watch people's behaviors and know that there's so much more going on. I feel the fabric that ties us all together. I know there's a huge picture developing no matter what shows up. I don't pretend to know what is going on; I just know that if I let go of trying to figure it all out then "the wonder of colorful new vision" appears.

So, that being said, what I'm trying to get at, successfully or not, is that there is a magnificence unfolding in my life and it feels like this man who now lives in NY has had some part in it. Where does it go from here? Who knows? I know that information is showing up for me now, and it's opening me up to more possibilities.

And with that being said, I'm just going to work on dragonflies today. I'll probably go to the store and pick up some groceries. I may even walk to the Plaza to talk to some friends about my artwork. But I know one thing for sure, no matter what it is I do, magic will be involved.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

a wonderful life

In a previous "lifetime" when I was doing energy work, I had an intuitive tell me that my work came from the void, the nothingness, the zero point field, and it was a way for me to go back there. She said that doing energy sessions for other people was not the purpose of this. The purpose was for me to go there, to dwell in that zero point field.

That was just a mere four months ago, and since then I've moved twice and gone back to what I used to do -- art. When this intuitive told me this, I remember thinking that I wanted to do nothing more than these sessions on other people, but now I see that it really was about me going into that field, that zone, whatever you want to call it. Now, I feel it all the time. I don't have to "go anywhere"; it is me. It's the energy I've always been.

So now I can do anything I want and the energy becomes part of it. I can take a break from the physical world and see so much more clearly and be peace. I can listen to conversations about Verizon phones and how irate the customer was, and not feel part of it at all. As a matter of fact, it's almost as if I can "watch" the words float by me like leaves falling from trees. It really is that insignificant.

What's really fascinating to me is my ability to adjust to a world that is so unlike one I've ever lived in. Technology is almost totally out of my life, except for this computer. What it has done for me is to become so much more a part of the physical world. I walk wherever I want to go, therefore I am making contact with the ground, looking at the landscape more closely, talking to people I pass, and exercising outdoors. I've been in Taos for almost three weeks and I can't even count how many people I know already and how many solid friendships I've cultivated. I told Tammy that I feel like a magnet with arms open wide walking down the street, collecting all that is lovely and beautiful and peaceful. A walking magnet of money, of love, of peace. The peace part is my favorite. Just sayin'.

Is it possible to live in peace here all the time? As much as I want. How's that? As much as I allow. As much as I choose. Ha! There are so many opportunities for me to experience anything other than peace, and after each little episode, I go back to peace. I just can't imagine not wanting peace to be my permanent address. However, I do know that change is inevitable, so let's see where I go next. I certainly showed up in New Mexico thinking that I would do only energy work and would be living in Santa Fe. I also thought I'd have a car and... And now I'm dreaming in tie-dyed fabric. What the...? I wake up with what I can do next with the items I accumulate. Last night I was working on a dragonfly that I cut out of a t-shirt (not one that you gave me, Dan) and stuffed it with ground-up sage I picked from my backyard. I'm learning to use everything at my disposal instead of buying anything I think I need. I used to spend up to thousands of dollars per month on supplies, travels, classes, etc. and now I look at what's around me and how I can make it into something else. My form of alchemy.

I was just informed that I'll be going to work in the store today. I have my bag of goodies to transform into something magical. And when I'm done, when I'm completely satisfied with whatever I make, I plan on sending them to NY. I promised I would send dragonflies last August, and here it is months later, and it's dragonflies that consume me. Dragonflies out of paper, out of t-shirts, glued onto silk, made out of paper towels and glue... It's been a very long time since I've been so enraptured with art. It's interesting to me that when I finally have no supplies, I am creating like a mad woman. I forage the yards around the house. Here in Taos, the different textures, scents, and colors abound. They are prolific. I live in the midst of the most abundant supply store possible! This has caused me to stretch and expand what I thought was possible. Sometimes I feel like a scientist without the beakers. My lab is acres and acres of sage. My ingredients do not foam or boil over, but they do make dragonflies smell nice.

This has truly been a very trying time letting go of all my old beliefs and misconceptions, but slowly coming out on the other side, I've been able to see the plethora of miracles that surround me. Last night when Tammy came home, she brought groceries for a dinner she made for both of us. Every morning when I wake up fresh coffee is waiting for me. I am privileged to work in a store on the plaza selling art, and I get to go there today. Yay! I get to talk to all the tourists that come in from all over the world. I listen to other languages. I hear how people live. I'm able to travel all day long as they describe their lives. When I'm not talking, I get to work on my own art. I dig through my bag of silk scraps, feathers, markers, cardboard, yarns, etc., and I get to turn those ingredients into something else. Wow, it's a wonderful life.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Does place matter?

Years ago I was asked if place mattered, if a place could make you happy. Now, I don't believe anything outside myself is responsible for my happiness. I do know that certain people or situations can certainly broaden my smile, and other experiences can make a smile difficult to form. However, if I were not human ever, then I'd have to say place or anything else did not matter at all because I could be happy all the time no matter what.

I just happen to be human also. I have some very human moments, and just what a kick they happen to be.

What I've been discovering is just how unnecessary it is to get dramatic about how things look. For instance, Tammy and I no longer have phone service today. I smile anyway and want to see how clever the universe is in getting me the information I am to know today. God knows, the one thing the universe does not need to communicate with me is a phone. I'm waiting to hear from a future employer, but it won't be by phone now. I have some of my artwork at a new store, and the owner was going to call me today about selling them there. Well, it won't be by phone.

This has offered me another opportunity to be less available in the "normal" channels. I won't go into why the phone was disconnected because every human involved with the situation has a different story, and the stories don't matter. None of the stories matter. None.

So, back to a place making me happy... I moved to Taos only knowing Tammy. Why did I move here? Don't know that one completely, just know that it felt good. It still feels good. It feels right. I look back on who I was being in McKinney, Texas, and I not only don't recognize that person, but I truly don't like the memories I have of her.

I used to party a lot on the square. There was always drinking and eating going on there. That's what we did. At the end of the day it was always about where we were going to go that night and who we were going to drink with. That's how I remember it. I haven't had a sip of any alcohol whatsoever since my birthday party in late September. I didn't drink much in Steamboat Springs, Colorado where I lived before arriving in McKinney. As a matter of fact, I don't think I drank like that since I had been in college.

Steamboat and Taos have both been very spiritual places for me. Taos even more so. The level of art is escalated here. I feel that goes hand in hand, at least it does for me. My art is a form of spirituality for me. It takes me to a place I can't go to in any other way. What's interesting though is that I moved out here with no art/sewing supplies whatsoever. I keep stripping down my material life. It's fascinating because I'm learning how to live life totally differently. I thought I was going to come out here and do energy work and not be an artist when what I have done is use my energy in my latest art creations. My energy here is so profound that it knocks me off my feet sometimes. The energy in Taos is palpable. I feel the shift in my own energy since moving here. I'm discovering that this is the case with most people. What takes people years to transform in other places occurs here within days. That's how it's been for me.

Does Taos make me happy? I make me happy. Taos resonates with my energy though. Taos and I are one sometimes. I don't need to do energy work here. I am an energy billboard here. No matter what I do or say or have or be, I am all that's necessary right here, right now. I have it all within. I've never felt this way until moving here. It's a complete package of peace and tranquility wrapped up so nicely.

When I explain to people here how I've been feeling, they nod their heads. They tell me welcome home. They embrace me. This is something I've not experienced before. I used to be very careful with what I said because I was tired of the strange looks or the constant questions. Here, I hardly even finish a statement when the person I'm speaking with agrees with me. Sometimes I can't finish a sentence because it's just not necessary. Words aren't always essential here. It's the unspoken understanding, the smile, a gentle hand on the shoulder, that makes me realize that this is the only place I can be right now for the growth that I've gone through, the relationships I've developed, and the peace I've embodied. With everything stripped away, I can only see the trust I have in the Universe. I am totally taken care of with or without a phone. Phoneless, I must put myself out there to talk to those I need to face to face. What a concept! I have to look in their eyes while giving and getting information. I make connections with them that I couldn't possibly do on a phone or through emails.

My life here has centered around human contact while totally sober. I've learned to adjust my body to the different energy here. I feel things so much stronger. I feel people who aren't even here physically. And in Taos, those feelings are normal. I don't have to explain myself here. I am where I belong right now. I have the prospect of having a future boss that is phenomenal in the loving people department. I have the ability to go to work and not have a single thing matter as much as radiating compassion and understanding to every single person I encounter. This is what I'm here for right now. This is all that matters at this moment. To love no matter what. It's really easy to love when I'm being loved, and now I'm doing it when the" being loved" is disguised as something else.

So today begins another new way of showing up in this fantasy called life. I've adapted to not having a car, and now I'll do it with a phone that acts as a timepiece. I am grateful. I am just so grateful to see how beautifully the magic will unfold today.

And, yes, place does matter.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Coffee Moments

Just realise you are dreaming a dream you call the world and stop looking for ways out. The dream is not your problem. Your problem is that you like one part of your dream and not another. Love all or none of it, and stop complaining. When you have seen the dream as a dream, you have done all that needs to be done.~Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

This is a quote that I got on Facebook today from Rainbow Treehouse. It applies to me more than I thought it could. You see, yesterday I chose to skip out for a bit on this dream. I had donated blood at the hospital. While relaxing in a chair and drinking some fruitlike drink, people were asking me how I was doing. I answered or I didn’t. I just wanted them to leave me alone. Then suddenly my perspective came from the ceiling. I saw the tops of their heads as they were busily talking amongst themselves. I didn’t hear the words, but I saw frantic movements – heads shaking, fingers pointing, and apparently voices raised because men in white coats took me to a reclining chair and packed my neck in ice. As soon as that ice connected with my skin, I was no longer at the ceiling.

I laid in the recliner looking at the mountains outside the windows and cried because I didn’t want to come back. The feeling I had had at the ceiling was one of immense calmness. Nothing mattered. Absolutely nothing. It didn’t matter that there was no money in my pockets. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have a car, and it really didn’t matter that my phone was going to be shut off shortly. None of it mattered. I had been in total peace, and I didn’t want to come back.

So, after being packed in ice for awhile, we gave it another go. I went back to the chair with some more juice. This time as soon as I sat down I remember putting my head back. I heard the man next to me complaining about people at a coffee shop, and then up I went again. It was just so lovely above it all. The voices stopped. I saw people moving, but I heard nothing. It was tranquility at its finest, and this time I meant to stay, at least until those white coats came back to haul me to the recliner again and pack me with twice as much ice. This time one of them stayed with me and kept talking. He kept getting after me every time I closed my eyes. I just wanted him to shut up and let me sleep, but he wasn’t having anything to do with that.

Needless to say, I didn’t get to go back to ceiling surfing. I finally got out of the hospital and back home. And today I read that quote from Rainbow Treehouse. Love it all, huh?

I’m finding the loving it all part a little difficult right now because I’m feeling indifferent. Tammy’s been getting tired of hearing the “I don’t cares”, but that’s how I’m feeling. She’s been on a rampage about our circumstances today. Me? I’m walking and smiling. There’s nothing I can do. I showed up at the hospital today to get more of my paperwork going for the job I applied for, but nothing could be done today due to their protocol. Okay, so not today. Next…

So, I went to my job where I sit in a store that sells artwork, mine included. Not a customer came in. Okay. Next…

When someone else came in to relieve me, I walked down the street to a yarn shop where they dye their own fibers. When I crossed the threshold, I just stood there looking at all the yarns hanging on the walls, the hats hand-dyed and felted, the baskets of roving, the knitted scarves, the shelves of books, and I cried. I held my breath as tears fell down my cheeks. I was in heaven. My heart opened wide and I just looked from the wool dolls to the felted jackets. Sweet baby jesus, I was home. I couldn’t move. I was in awe. I put my hand to my chest and just looked at the rows and rows of hand-dyed yarns.

The person working there said, “Wow, we love it when someone comes in who appreciates this so much.”

I couldn’t take my eyes off every single fiber in that place. She showed me felted purses and told me that everything in there was handmade, and the yarns were all hand-dyed in New Mexico. I knew I didn’t want to leave, but others started piling in, so I walked next door to an artist’s gallery and ended up making a new friend with the woman running the show there.

A few doors down is one of the coolest stores in town called Moxie. It’s owned by another new friend of mine, Katie. She wants to sell some of my artwork, so I promised I’d get it to her tomorrow morning.

This town is the most artistic, loving, accepting place I’ve ever known. I’m learning rather quickly that all my previous beliefs have been bullshit. I’ve stripped myself of absolutely everything materialistically, and I’m learning a new way of living. It’s much freer. It’s definitely scarier, and I’m learning to trust that I’m okay, over and over again. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve done so far – to be that peace I felt while ceiling surfing no matter what shows up in my life.

And one of the nicest, if not the best, occurrences in my life has been reconnecting with someone I met forty years ago. Our conversations go with me throughout my day. I carry his words with me as I sit in the store or walk down the street. I remember the sound of his voice, and no matter what’s going on at the time, I can smile easily.

I told him last night that all I wanted to do was lay down with him outside and let the sun heat up our faces, and at night be able to see the stars and the moon and be silent while wrapped up in each other. I want life to be as simple as that. My new friend at the art gallery called it “coffee moments” when nothing but a good sip of joe would be the most pressing thing of the day.

My coffee moments. I like that. I’ve spent my life creating urgencies as if every decision I made was life or death. I’ve run offices, done taxes, hired and fired employees, and now I want coffee moments all day long. I want to take a break from heaviness, and lay down in the grass with Dan and feel the sun on my face, feel his fingers on my spine, and as the day turns into night, gaze up at the stars together in silence. I want to feel the cool breeze ripple our hair, and in silence speak the greatest language of all – peace. Now those are my kind of coffee moments.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

baby steps

When I got up this morning, the sun shone through the windows, the coffee was already brewed and waiting for me. I felt brand new, whole, complete, and ready to flow through the day. I sat down with my coffee and laptop, turning to Facebook, and there was a picture my daughter posted of her pets. And then I cried like a baby.

I am who I am. I am a sucker for those two animals. I remember what it was like to wake up with dog tail slapped across my face or a kitty paw on my nose. The dog, Moo, has been with me through some pretty tough times. He was with me when I left a 32-year relationship. It was his barking behind the front door of the house that made me cry as I drove down the driveway away from him. My heart breaks open right now just remembering his scratching on the window as I got into my car. He begged to go with me. I had to hold him back as I shut the front door to the house. It was a long drive to Steamboat, and I cried the whole way.

I am an opened book. I have no poker face. And, I love so easily. I fall in love over and over and over. Those two little faces make my arms yearn to hold them. Heck, I'd even take an unexpected pounce in my lap right now. But, I chose to leave again. After spending almost two years with my daughter, I chose to move to New Mexico. I make decisions very quickly and without any hesitation or plans. I just do it, so in September I picked up and moved with Tammy, and if it weren't for the drama of an ex, I probably would've been crying across the state line that time too.

The way I choose to live my life has not been easy. It hasn't been easy for my family or for me, but it's what I know I have to do. I have no explanations. I just know that it's right for me to be where I am right now as much as I miss my daughter, her pets, and McKinney, I am meant to be here.

Not for one moment do I disregard what my time on the square in McKinney was like for me. I cherish my memories and the friends I made there. I think of them often, and I know that where I am now is perfect.

And where am I? Well, every moment that's a new experience... My former lives seemed to provide stability for me. Marriage had this cloak of permanence and belonging that masked the smothering I felt. I could sleep through my days in the sense that I was not awakened to what it was I really wanted. I was in survival mode, and since being single, I've been learning how to walk.

I'm brand new. I lived all my life until 9/11/06 according to what others wanted. I chose that. I chose to spend my time pleasing others and ignoring me. I did that all by myself. And now, after four years on my own, I'm taking baby steps to discover how to walk unattended. And sometimes that includes tears. Oh well... so fucking what... I am who I am, for better or worse. Here I am, like me or not. I am right here, right now, taking teeny steps forward because tears are blurring my vision.

the ride of a lifetime

Today has been another day of surrender, a letting go so deeply that I no longer care about the outcome of anything. I have been foolish to think that I could determine the results of anything. This train ride Tammy and I are on has proven to us time and time again that we may have specific intentions, wants, and desires, but God help us if we think for one second that we can determine what any of it is going to look like.

We have been through so much since moving to Taos especially. Last week was truly the toughest I thought I'd been through. We thought this week was going to be a smoother ride after all the purging we'd been through. And then there were the phone calls. First mine on Sunday that brought up so much crazy crap that I thought for sure I'd worked through. Great, Jill. Just great... stop your bloody thinking!

And the real life-altering, heart-stopping phone call came yesterday with the news that Tammy's son, Taylor, had been in a serious car accident. His car blew three tires and he went airborne. Three airbags deployed and he lost consciousness until the ambulance ride.

The day before that Tammy's car decided to take a much-needed rest and refused to work, as did Taylor's brother's car. Someone we had just met before moving to Taos drove us 2 1/2 hours away to the hospital, stopping an hour away from us to pick up the brother. We arrived safely. The ride materialized easily, and Tammy got to see her son and talk with the doctors. He's got two compression fractures in his lumbar spine. Fragments of the vertebrae are not threatening anything, and so he'll be in a brace for three months.

When we discovered what had happened, Tammy and I both just cried. This young man is going to be okay, and according to the insurance claims person if Taylor had been 20 feet in either direction of where his tires blew, he would have never needed to be fitted for a brace today. He wouldn't have been taken to the emergency room. We would be putting together funeral arrangements now.

Tammy and I have been stripped of everything materialistically. Everything's gone but our clothes. And yet... And yet, we are by far the richest we've ever been. We live in a beautiful house, gorgeous surroundings, and have created the most loving relationships of our lives here.

We don't own anything yet we eat healthy meals. We sleep on comfortable beds. We write in a beautiful home. The ability to shift easily, to bend and flow without hesitation has become a way of life for us here. We're discovering that absolutely nothing can be done in this lifetime right now, right here, the way we used to do anything.

In our very bleakest moments when there seems to be no fix, miracles appear. Tammy went to talk with the owner of the local paper about doing some bartering and ended up with paid writing assignments. I was led to talk to a health care facility down the road here just to tell them what my experiences have been, and yesterday I interviewed for the only position they're needing to be filled.

Neither of these positions were advertised, or in Tammy's case even "invented" yet, and they materialized just when we showed up. There's something so magical about just letting go of everything. I mean truly not caring how anything we desire comes into fruition. In that act of surrendering when we're not even thinking about what it is we want or feeling bummed about what we think we don't have, the experiences unfold as magnificent gifts. We are truly blown away by how our lives have taken shape here. We are so very grateful for every single moment of the ride because it is in this ride, this crazy roller coaster that we've been on, that the deepest and most profound joy surfaces.

And with that being said, I want to express my deepest gratitude to Tammy. She keeps holding my hand as we continually leap. I can't think of anyone I'd rather have taking these steps with me.

Monday, November 1, 2010

just the beginning

I have never felt so out of control in my life. I mean this in a really great way. I think...

I moved here to Taos last Tuesday. I moved in with a man I hadn't ever met before. We're doing a house share. It's a beautiful home -- three bedrooms, two baths, sunroom, adobe home with guest house. It sits in the midst of health care facilities of all kinds. Natural landscaping on the three acres with foothills in the back yard... How amazing that is to me that it's so surrounded by what could be considered such high volume traffic areas, and also nestled into nature. There's a panoramic view of the mountains. Over the weekend I was able to sit at the dining room table and watch the balloon festival from several windows.

Last week was this really cleansing week where I expunged long-held beliefs and emotions and god only knows what else. And today is All Soul's Day. Today my soul gets a day dedicated to itself. And today my soul is really letting me know who's in charge, and it just ain't me. Today is a whole new life. Today is just new, and so full of more than I could ever imagine that I just need to stop imagining what I think it could be.

Here's what I know for sure. So far. Tammy got a job writing health articles for the local paper this morning. She thought she was going in to do some bartering work and ends up with a paid position.

I'm going in for an interview this afternoon with a business that's within walking distance of my house. It'll be a full-time position, and I still have time to work with Tammy on our raw foods business. I also have my artwork in three different stores in town, and payday is today. Yay!

Today is the last day of the first week we've lived here. I've never been through so much in such a short time in my life. Emotionally I've been put through the wringer. However, who I am today is so much more than the person who first arrived in Taos last week. And for that I'm grateful.

Tammy has been a wonderful example to me of someone who is at ease with letting go and knowing she's okay no matter what. I see now why last week was so tough on me. I was clinging so tightly. I wanted things and people to look and act a certain way, and none of it went according to my plans. And then I got to experience what it felt like to let go of all those crazy notions. I know I'm perfectly fine just where I am. No one or no thing has to be a certain way for me to be okay. I am perfectly positioned in my life right now with everything I need, everything I could ever desire. It's all right here, right now. It's beautiful. This is paradise, knowing that no matter what shows up, no matter what it may look like, I am in the right place at the right time.

Tammy, I raise my mug of water to you this morning. Thanks for being on this trip with me. Thanks for letting me see what such an open heart full of love looks like. You are an inspiration to me, and this is just the beginning.