Friday, November 19, 2010

at least 1000 words

After a long day at the store and at the gallery, I arrived home somewhere around nine tonight. I haven't been sleeping much, and I was dragging my ass through the house to get to my bedroom. I haven't been sleeping much lately because my brain is spewing all night long with ideas of what I can do with tie-dyed and/or batik fabric. Not just any tie-dyed and/or batik fabric, but Dan Leo's fabrics. I've been writing about him for a while without giving up his identity, but tonight when I got home, I got an email from him with these pictures and a short little note. He hopes these pictures are worth at least 1000 words.

Well, mister, you got it, and now that you sent me the pictures I'm blowing your cover!! Personally, I'd write across the sky if I could how I really feel about you, but there's not enough sky. So, I'll do what I can here.

First of all, I loved coming home tonight and finding your new pictures not only in my email but also the ones of your work on Facebook. I want everything you've ever made. I would love to be in a room in your house with all your fabrics and shirts and my sewing machine and boxes of threads and beads and batting. Your designs are so amazing, and I would love to get my hands on them. You ain't seen nothin' yet...
I think you're a genius. You're amazingly talented and you up my game. You stretch my imagination. You expand my reach. I look at this design, and I'm awed at your creativity. I have an inkling of an idea of how long it took you to do this and what the process was. I am in awe. I could look at this for hours, and if it were in my hands right now, I would spin my own magic on it. I look at this, and I radiate love for you. Oh my god, Dan, this needs to be in my box that you mailed me. I feel like Christmas will arrive when I get to open what you sent me. This is a dream come true to be able to work with a man like you. Your work is stunning, and I get to play with it. How did I get to be in my shoes?

Something really cool happened today. When it occurred, I knew I wasn't in Kansas anymore. This really is Taos. I know you said that I had to stay in Taos, but I'm telling you I ache to work with you. I know it would be the highest high to stand next to you while we're playing with dyes and fabric. I have no doubt about that at all. Baby, we could rock the world with what we can do together. The world has never seen what we can do, but I've seen it plenty of times in my head. It keeps me awake at night. I sleep with my laptop now because I wake up with all these ideas and can't go back to sleep until they all get written.

Today while I was working in the store a woman from San Fransisco walked up to me and told me that if I would write every morning nonsensical words and read them backwards and forwards I would get the message about why I am here. (Now remember, I'm in Taos.)

She told me that at least by February it'll all be clear to me. It could happen sooner if I'd get busy writing like she told me to do every single day. I told her that I was collaborating with someone in New York with my artwork. I said that I thought I was going to be doing energy work in Santa Fe, but instead ended up in Taos doing art again. She just nodded and said, "Yes, that's right." She told me it was important for me to do that writing every single morning. I told her that I would, and she walked out of the store. As she walked down the hallway, she abruptly turned around and stood in the doorway. She said to me, "You're not staying in Taos, but you know that already." I told her that indeed I did know that. She said, "Look beyond the city lights." She smiled at me, and then said, "And you know what that means." I told her that I did, and then she left.

Then a man named Dave came in looking for information on one of the offices upstairs. We got to talking, and I eventually told him about Ms. San Fransisco and what she told me. He asked me if I felt in my heart that her words rang true for me. I said they did, and he said, "Then I'm going to leave you with this gift today." He reached across the counter and held my hand in both of his, and said, "When you hear something, look within. If it resonates with what your heart is telling you, then it is true for you." I told him that it was true for me, and he told me that what Ms. San Fransisco did for me was provide confirmation for all I had been feeling.

Well now, welcome to my world in Taos. Just another day at the office...

So, would you still kick my sweet butt back to Taos if I showed up in New York, in the town beyond the city lights? I feel that you and I are walking a path that neither one of us ever anticipated. Even though it's a dream come true, it still makes me shake a  bit in my boots. I am bewildered. Really, Dan, I'm blown away by what's happening between us. And I am so grateful, so very, very grateful.

The thing is that I don't see any obstacles. There's this sense of knowing how right this is, and that it will all work out beautifully for everyone involved. This relationship is built upon deep unconditional love for each other. This is a brand new experience for me, especially when it comes to loving a man. It doesn't matter to me that you have 8,000 sons, or that you live a world away. The magic unfolds for us to be together. I am more sure about that than anything I've ever felt before. You and I are one. There's no definitive line where you end and I begin. I know that will become more apparent when we create together. We were born to be artists together. Oh my god, I'm weak in the knees just thinking about it. Dan, if I could just be in the same room with you while you do what you do to make what you make. If I could just watch you... If I could just be with you... Damn, I wish I had the right words to finish those statements, but what I do have are feelings, intense, amazing feelings for you and what you are able to do. I am humbled that you want me with you. I am privileged that you want to work with me, and I am so very grateful that you love me.

This is my Dan. This is the person responsible for the huge smile on my face and my heart opening even wider. By the way, even though I'm looking at your face, I can't help but look at that fish behind you and wish I had it and my sewing machine together right now. God, I've never had the passion for a man and his work like I do with you. My heart could explode right now just looking at you (and the fish...). My heart doesn't lie, and it tells me it's you that I want in my life right now and right now and right now.

I'm going to have to come up with my own language for how I feel about you because there's nothing in English that comes close to what you mean to me.

When I opened this file and saw you looking at me like this, it took my breath away. I don't know if there are at least 1000 words or not in this post, but there are no words, no adequate words, no words that even come close to the way I feel about you. No word has been invented because how I feel about you has never been experienced before. What we have together is beyond words, is beyond what most people know. It certainly was something I knew nothing about until now. You are my love. You excite me beyond measure. Just looking into your eyes, just hearing your voice, or listening to your laughter changes every cell in my body. I am the best I've ever been because not only do I cherish what we have, but I know you do too.
Wherever you are, I am also. You are the air that I breathe and the ground on which I walk. And yet I know... Baby, I know with everything I am that I ain't waiting til March. Just sayin'...

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