Wednesday, November 3, 2010

baby steps

When I got up this morning, the sun shone through the windows, the coffee was already brewed and waiting for me. I felt brand new, whole, complete, and ready to flow through the day. I sat down with my coffee and laptop, turning to Facebook, and there was a picture my daughter posted of her pets. And then I cried like a baby.

I am who I am. I am a sucker for those two animals. I remember what it was like to wake up with dog tail slapped across my face or a kitty paw on my nose. The dog, Moo, has been with me through some pretty tough times. He was with me when I left a 32-year relationship. It was his barking behind the front door of the house that made me cry as I drove down the driveway away from him. My heart breaks open right now just remembering his scratching on the window as I got into my car. He begged to go with me. I had to hold him back as I shut the front door to the house. It was a long drive to Steamboat, and I cried the whole way.

I am an opened book. I have no poker face. And, I love so easily. I fall in love over and over and over. Those two little faces make my arms yearn to hold them. Heck, I'd even take an unexpected pounce in my lap right now. But, I chose to leave again. After spending almost two years with my daughter, I chose to move to New Mexico. I make decisions very quickly and without any hesitation or plans. I just do it, so in September I picked up and moved with Tammy, and if it weren't for the drama of an ex, I probably would've been crying across the state line that time too.

The way I choose to live my life has not been easy. It hasn't been easy for my family or for me, but it's what I know I have to do. I have no explanations. I just know that it's right for me to be where I am right now as much as I miss my daughter, her pets, and McKinney, I am meant to be here.

Not for one moment do I disregard what my time on the square in McKinney was like for me. I cherish my memories and the friends I made there. I think of them often, and I know that where I am now is perfect.

And where am I? Well, every moment that's a new experience... My former lives seemed to provide stability for me. Marriage had this cloak of permanence and belonging that masked the smothering I felt. I could sleep through my days in the sense that I was not awakened to what it was I really wanted. I was in survival mode, and since being single, I've been learning how to walk.

I'm brand new. I lived all my life until 9/11/06 according to what others wanted. I chose that. I chose to spend my time pleasing others and ignoring me. I did that all by myself. And now, after four years on my own, I'm taking baby steps to discover how to walk unattended. And sometimes that includes tears. Oh well... so fucking what... I am who I am, for better or worse. Here I am, like me or not. I am right here, right now, taking teeny steps forward because tears are blurring my vision.

No comments:

Post a Comment