my man

When I first decided to move across the country to be with Dan, I had no idea what I was in for, but whatever it was, I just knew it was going to be good. I just didn’t know it was going to be this good.


I arrived in Syracuse on December 8, 2010 where my man picked me up and we kissed for the very first time. We haven’t stopped kissing since.

I’ve learned a lot about this man since then, and I’ve learned even more about me.

I live in a house full of men. It has a revolving door where young men come and go. They all happen to have Dan’s last name. One left last Friday, and a couple of days later another moved in. Well, at least his stuff did. I haven’t seen him since our last big meal together.

And that’s another thing I’m not used to. There are big meals in this house. BIG meals, meals like I haven’t had since growing up with three brothers. And all the men cook. I do the dishes. I just pull myself up to the table and food appears. It’s one of the most magical things I’ve ever experienced. Who knew? As a matter of fact, while sitting here typing this, the oldest of the frat boys brought me chocolate candy and a piece of fudge while I’m in his school library. That frat boy is the one I get to sleep with, so that chocolate was already melting before I got it unwrapped.

What else have I learned from this experience with lots and lots of boys? Well, I miss flowers. I don’t mean the kind growing in beds, I mean flower prints, flowered throw pillows, flowers in pictures hanging on the walls, flowers on my clothing… just flowers. Lace, pink, flowers, china, glass… you know, dainty, sweet, fragile things that go so well with flowered pillows. Right now I have a Texas flag the size of the capitol building tacked to walls around the little space I’ve precariously carved out for myself in what is lovingly called the front room, or better still, The Texas Room. Sweet baby jesus…

And sometimes I miss women. I remember soft voices, light touches. Somewhere far, far back in the farthest corners of my mind I can recall the sweetest laughter from people who looked much more like me. I remember arriving in Taos with my friend Tammy and sharing a closet filled with stilettos and flowing skirts and dresses. Now, I can vaguely recall what they looked like without glancing over old photos.

Would I trade any of it? Not on your life. This is my life now. While I’ve been typing this, the oldest son was sending me messages and his father was stopping by to check on me. Right now I glance at my bar on the computer and there’s a message from his father. I hear his voice behind me as he’s talking with a colleague, and I know he’s making his way back over to me.

Would I change any of it? Oh, I’d probably add a flower or two. I’ll probably adjust my attitude a bit about more things encroaching into or near my little niche. I’ll find some pink and lace and something to help me remember what it was like to share a closet with stilettos. And in the meantime, I am going to so enjoy all these men in my life, especially the one I get to call my man.

at least 1000 words

After a long day at the store and at the gallery, I arrived home somewhere around nine tonight. I haven't been sleeping much, and I was dragging my ass through the house to get to my bedroom. I haven't been sleeping much lately because my brain is spewing all night long with ideas of what I can do with tie-dyed and/or batik fabric. Not just any tie-dyed and/or batik fabric, but Dan Leo's fabrics. I've been writing about him for a while without giving up his identity, but tonight when I got home, I got an email from him with these pictures and a short little note. He hopes these pictures are worth at least 1000 words.

Well, mister, you got it, and now that you sent me the pictures I'm blowing your cover!! Personally, I'd write across the sky if I could how I really feel about you, but there's not enough sky. So, I'll do what I can here.

First of all, I loved coming home tonight and finding your new pictures not only in my email but also the ones of your work on Facebook. I want everything you've ever made. I would love to be in a room in your house with all your fabrics and shirts and my sewing machine and boxes of threads and beads and batting. Your designs are so amazing, and I would love to get my hands on them. You ain't seen nothin' yet...

I think you're a genius. You're amazingly talented and you up my game. You stretch my imagination. You expand my reach. I look at this design, and I'm awed at your creativity. I have an inkling of an idea of how long it took you to do this and what the process was. I am in awe. I could look at this for hours, and if it were in my hands right now, I would spin my own magic on it. I look at this, and I radiate love for you. Oh my god, Dan, this needs to be in my box that you mailed me. I feel like Christmas will arrive when I get to open what you sent me. This is a dream come true to be able to work with a man like you. Your work is stunning, and I get to play with it. How did I get to be in my shoes?

Something really cool happened today. When it occurred, I knew I wasn't in Kansas anymore. This really is Taos. I know you said that I had to stay in Taos, but I'm telling you I ache to work with you. I know it would be the highest high to stand next to you while we're playing with dyes and fabric. I have no doubt about that at all. Baby, we could rock the world with what we can do together. The world has never seen what we can do, but I've seen it plenty of times in my head. It keeps me awake at night. I sleep with my laptop now because I wake up with all these ideas and can't go back to sleep until they all get written.

Today while I was working in the store a woman from San Fransisco walked up to me and told me that if I would write every morning nonsensical words and read them backwards and forwards I would get the message about why I am here. (Now remember, I'm in Taos.)

She told me that at least by February it'll all be clear to me. It could happen sooner if I'd get busy writing like she told me to do every single day. I told her that I was collaborating with someone in New York with my artwork. I said that I thought I was going to be doing energy work in Santa Fe, but instead ended up in Taos doing art again. She just nodded and said, "Yes, that's right." She told me it was important for me to do that writing every single morning. I told her that I would, and she walked out of the store. As she walked down the hallway, she abruptly turned around and stood in the doorway. She said to me, "You're not staying in Taos, but you know that already." I told her that indeed I did know that. She said, "Look beyond the city lights." She smiled at me, and then said, "And you know what that means." I told her that I did, and then she left.

Then a man named Dave came in looking for information on one of the offices upstairs. We got to talking, and I eventually told him about Ms. San Fransisco and what she told me. He asked me if I felt in my heart that her words rang true for me. I said they did, and he said, "Then I'm going to leave you with this gift today." He reached across the counter and held my hand in both of his, and said, "When you hear something, look within. If it resonates with what your heart is telling you, then it is true for you." I told him that it was true for me, and he told me that what Ms. San Fransisco did for me was provide confirmation for all I had been feeling.

Well now, welcome to my world in Taos. Just another day at the office...

So, would you still kick my sweet butt back to Taos if I showed up in New York, in the town beyond the city lights? I feel that you and I are walking a path that neither one of us ever anticipated. Even though it's a dream come true, it still makes me shake a  bit in my boots. I am bewildered. Really, Dan, I'm blown away by what's happening between us. And I am so grateful, so very, very grateful.

The thing is that I don't see any obstacles. There's this sense of knowing how right this is, and that it will all work out beautifully for everyone involved. This relationship is built upon deep unconditional love for each other. This is a brand new experience for me, especially when it comes to loving a man. It doesn't matter to me that you have 8,000 sons, or that you live a world away. The magic unfolds for us to be together. I am more sure about that than anything I've ever felt before. You and I are one. There's no definitive line where you end and I begin. I know that will become more apparent when we create together. We were born to be artists together. Oh my god, I'm weak in the knees just thinking about it. Dan, if I could just be in the same room with you while you do what you do to make what you make. If I could just watch you... If I could just be with you... Damn, I wish I had the right words to finish those statements, but what I do have are feelings, intense, amazing feelings for you and what you are able to do. I am humbled that you want me with you. I am privileged that you want to work with me, and I am so very grateful that you love me.

This is my Dan. This is the person responsible for the huge smile on my face and my heart opening even wider. By the way, even though I'm looking at your face, I can't help but look at that fish behind you and wish I had it and my sewing machine together right now. God, I've never had the passion for a man and his work like I do with you. My heart could explode right now just looking at you (and the fish...). My heart doesn't lie, and it tells me it's you that I want in my life right now and right now and right now.

I'm going to have to come up with my own language for how I feel about you because there's nothing in English that comes close to what you mean to me.

When I opened this file and saw you looking at me like this, it took my breath away. I don't know if there are at least 1000 words or not in this post, but there are no words, no adequate words, no words that even come close to the way I feel about you. No word has been invented because how I feel about you has never been experienced before. What we have together is beyond words, is beyond what most people know. It certainly was something I knew nothing about until now. You are my love. You excite me beyond measure. Just looking into your eyes, just hearing your voice, or listening to your laughter changes every cell in my body. I am the best I've ever been because not only do I cherish what we have, but I know you do too.
Wherever you are, I am also. You are the air that I breathe and the ground on which I walk. And yet I know... Baby, I know with everything I am that I ain't waiting til March. Just sayin'...

things that make me go hm...

I used to ask for signs. Lately I've had so many coming at me that it's been difficult to remember them all. However, for many, many years now the signs have still been pointing in the same directions, even though they're on two separate sides of the map -- Windstar in Old Snowmass, Colorado and New York. WTF???

First, I have one thing to say before I get into any of that. I LOVE TAOS!!! I love being here with Tammy. I love the house I live in. I love the places I work. I love the people here. I love the energy. I love it all. I'm going to repeat myself here -- wtf???

So, here's a few things that have happened this morning. While drying off after my shower, a thought hit me (as they often do...) that since singledom I've apparently made it a habit to move every two years. Now, let me just say that all morning I was thinking about how much I love Taos and how much I truly enjoy serving the people here. I am so excited about being able to provide meals and coffee and desserts for them next week. I was even thinking about how much fun it would be to run a restaurant with Tammy here with her magnificent recipes. And then I get out of the shower and am knocked upside the head with the idea that I've moved every two years since being single. Two years ago today I arrived in McKinney, Texas with my U-Haul. Hm...

While living in McKinney last July a friend of mine who lives in New York came to visit me and see my studio. While looking at all my stuff, he was quite taken with a little piece I made with dragonflies on it. I gave it to him, and he has since asked me to make him some dragonflies to put on his own art. That's what I've been doing lately instead of doing it last August when he asked for them. Oh well...

Now I'm obsessed with them. I've been making them like crazy, and this morning I decided to look them up in Ted Andrews' Animal Speak. Here's what jumped out at me immediately:

Dragonflies are very territorial. They will lay their eggs within their territory near the water. The egg eventually develops into the nymph stage of metamorphosis in this insect, and remains as a nymph for almost two years before it transforms into an adult dragonfly or damselfly. This can reflect a number of possibilities for those with this totem. It can indicate that an approximate two-year period of change is about to reach its culmination. It may reflect that you are coming into a two-year period of transformation. It may even reflect a need to institute changes that may culminate in the colorful transformations you desire within a two-year period.

Well now... I know I'd be crazy for trying to figure out what any of this means. God knows my interpretations in the past have sent me up shit creek, so I'm not going in that direction now. I'm just noticing patterns and synchronicities -- 2 years, dragonflies, moving, New York...

I just read those words I typed and am surprised at the order I put them in... again, just noticing patterns (I'm telling myself this...)

When I opened Animal Speak to the page with the dragonfly description, I noticed a notation I had made. On June 24, 2005 I was at John Denver's Windstar Foundation in Old Snowmass, Colorado where a dragonfly landed on me. According to the book, in some Native American culture the dragonfly represents the soul of the dead. Really... Just read that.

So, 36 years have passed since I saw this guy I went to high school with (the NY guy). He comes to visit last July and loves my dragonflies. The day he came to town changed everything, and I didn't know it until he left. First of all, he met some of my friends in McKinney. We went to a friend's home where she was putting on a dinner party. My NY friend couldn't stay, but there was something that stuck with me after he was physically gone because that night I could no longer participate in my usual McKinney routine. Every person at that dinner was a very dear, wonderful  friend of mine, but I couldn't stay. I kept leaving the party, walking to the square to just be alone and think. Looking back on it now I realize that there was something between my NY friend and I that was exchanged on a soul level. I have not been the same since. It was that night that I was ready to leave McKinney even though it didn't happen for another two months.

In my life, energy plays a much bigger role than what my physical world looks like. As Ted Andrews says, "Dragonfly can help you to see through your illusions and thus allow your own light to shine forth. Dragonfly brings the brightness of transformation and the wonder of colorful new vision." I don't look at what's in front of me and believe that's all there is. I listen to the words spoken to me, and know that's only part of the story. I watch people's behaviors and know that there's so much more going on. I feel the fabric that ties us all together. I know there's a huge picture developing no matter what shows up. I don't pretend to know what is going on; I just know that if I let go of trying to figure it all out then "the wonder of colorful new vision" appears.

So, that being said, what I'm trying to get at, successfully or not, is that there is a magnificence unfolding in my life and it feels like this man who now lives in NY has had some part in it. Where does it go from here? Who knows? I know that information is showing up for me now, and it's opening me up to more possibilities.

And with that being said, I'm just going to work on dragonflies today. I'll probably go to the store and pick up some groceries. I may even walk to the Plaza to talk to some friends about my artwork. But I know one thing for sure, no matter what it is I do, magic will be involved.

Does place matter?

Years ago I was asked if place mattered, if a place could make you happy. Now, I don't believe anything outside myself is responsible for my happiness. I do know that certain people or situations can certainly broaden my smile, and other experiences can make a smile difficult to form. However, if I were not human ever, then I'd have to say place or anything else did not matter at all because I could be happy all the time no matter what.


I just happen to be human also. I have some very human moments, and just what a kick they happen to be.

What I've been discovering is just how unnecessary it is to get dramatic about how things look. For instance, Tammy and I no longer have phone service today. I smile anyway and want to see how clever the universe is in getting me the information I am to know today. God knows, the one thing the universe does not need to communicate with me is a phone. I'm waiting to hear from a future employer, but it won't be by phone now. I have some of my artwork at a new store, and the owner was going to call me today about selling them there. Well, it won't be by phone.

This has offered me another opportunity to be less available in the "normal" channels. I won't go into why the phone was disconnected because every human involved with the situation has a different story, and the stories don't matter. None of the stories matter. None.

So, back to a place making me happy... I moved to Taos only knowing Tammy. Why did I move here? Don't know that one completely, just know that it felt good. It still feels good. It feels right. I look back on who I was being in McKinney, Texas, and I not only don't recognize that person, but I truly don't like the memories I have of her.

I used to party a lot on the square. There was always drinking and eating going on there. That's what we did. At the end of the day it was always about where we were going to go that night and who we were going to drink with. That's how I remember it. I haven't had a sip of any alcohol whatsoever since my birthday party in late September. I didn't drink much in Steamboat Springs, Colorado where I lived before arriving in McKinney. As a matter of fact, I don't think I drank like that since I had been in college.

Steamboat and Taos have both been very spiritual places for me. Taos even more so. The level of art is escalated here. I feel that goes hand in hand, at least it does for me. My art is a form of spirituality for me. It takes me to a place I can't go to in any other way. What's interesting though is that I moved out here with no art/sewing supplies whatsoever. I keep stripping down my material life. It's fascinating because I'm learning how to live life totally differently. I thought I was going to come out here and do energy work and not be an artist when what I have done is use my energy in my latest art creations. My energy here is so profound that it knocks me off my feet sometimes. The energy in Taos is palpable. I feel the shift in my own energy since moving here. I'm discovering that this is the case with most people. What takes people years to transform in other places occurs here within days. That's how it's been for me.

Does Taos make me happy? I make me happy. Taos resonates with my energy though. Taos and I are one sometimes. I don't need to do energy work here. I am an energy billboard here. No matter what I do or say or have or be, I am all that's necessary right here, right now. I have it all within. I've never felt this way until moving here. It's a complete package of peace and tranquility wrapped up so nicely.

When I explain to people here how I've been feeling, they nod their heads. They tell me welcome home. They embrace me. This is something I've not experienced before. I used to be very careful with what I said because I was tired of the strange looks or the constant questions. Here, I hardly even finish a statement when the person I'm speaking with agrees with me. Sometimes I can't finish a sentence because it's just not necessary. Words aren't always essential here. It's the unspoken understanding, the smile, a gentle hand on the shoulder, that makes me realize that this is the only place I can be right now for the growth that I've gone through, the relationships I've developed, and the peace I've embodied. With everything stripped away, I can only see the trust I have in the Universe. I am totally taken care of with or without a phone. Phoneless, I must put myself out there to talk to those I need to face to face. What a concept! I have to look in their eyes while giving and getting information. I make connections with them that I couldn't possibly do on a phone or through emails.

My life here has centered around human contact while totally sober. I've learned to adjust my body to the different energy here. I feel things so much stronger. I feel people who aren't even here physically. And in Taos, those feelings are normal. I don't have to explain myself here. I am where I belong right now. I have the prospect of having a future boss that is phenomenal in the loving people department. I have the ability to go to work and not have a single thing matter as much as radiating compassion and understanding to every single person I encounter. This is what I'm here for right now. This is all that matters at this moment. To love no matter what. It's really easy to love when I'm being loved, and now I'm doing it when the" being loved" is disguised as something else.

So today begins another new way of showing up in this fantasy called life. I've adapted to not having a car, and now I'll do it with a phone that acts as a timepiece. I am grateful. I am just so grateful to see how beautifully the magic will unfold today.

And, yes, place does matter.

the ride of a lifetime

Today has been another day of surrender, a letting go so deeply that I no longer care about the outcome of anything. I have been foolish to think that I could determine the results of anything. This train ride Tammy and I are on has proven to us time and time again that we may have specific intentions, wants, and desires, but God help us if we think for one second that we can determine what any of it is going to look like.


We have been through so much since moving to Taos especially. Last week was truly the toughest I thought I'd been through. We thought this week was going to be a smoother ride after all the purging we'd been through. And then there were the phone calls. First mine on Sunday that brought up so much crazy crap that I thought for sure I'd worked through. Great, Jill. Just great... stop your bloody thinking!

And the real life-altering, heart-stopping phone call came yesterday with the news that Tammy's son, Taylor, had been in a serious car accident. His car blew three tires and he went airborne. Three airbags deployed and he lost consciousness until the ambulance ride.

The day before that Tammy's car decided to take a much-needed rest and refused to work, as did Taylor's brother's car. Someone we had just met before moving to Taos drove us 2 1/2 hours away to the hospital, stopping an hour away from us to pick up the brother. We arrived safely. The ride materialized easily, and Tammy got to see her son and talk with the doctors. He's got two compression fractures in his lumbar spine. Fragments of the vertebrae are not threatening anything, and so he'll be in a brace for three months.

When we discovered what had happened, Tammy and I both just cried. This young man is going to be okay, and according to the insurance claims person if Taylor had been 20 feet in either direction of where his tires blew, he would have never needed to be fitted for a brace today. He wouldn't have been taken to the emergency room. We would be putting together funeral arrangements now.

Tammy and I have been stripped of everything materialistically. Everything's gone but our clothes. And yet... And yet, we are by far the richest we've ever been. We live in a beautiful house, gorgeous surroundings, and have created the most loving relationships of our lives here.

We don't own anything yet we eat healthy meals. We sleep on comfortable beds. We write in a beautiful home. The ability to shift easily, to bend and flow without hesitation has become a way of life for us here. We're discovering that absolutely nothing can be done in this lifetime right now, right here, the way we used to do anything.

In our very bleakest moments when there seems to be no fix, miracles appear. Tammy went to talk with the owner of the local paper about doing some bartering and ended up with paid writing assignments. I was led to talk to a health care facility down the road here just to tell them what my experiences have been, and yesterday I interviewed for the only position they're needing to be filled.

Neither of these positions were advertised, or in Tammy's case even "invented" yet, and they materialized just when we showed up. There's something so magical about just letting go of everything. I mean truly not caring how anything we desire comes into fruition. In that act of surrendering when we're not even thinking about what it is we want or feeling bummed about what we think we don't have, the experiences unfold as magnificent gifts. We are truly blown away by how our lives have taken shape here. We are so very grateful for every single moment of the ride because it is in this ride, this crazy roller coaster that we've been on, that the deepest and most profound joy surfaces.

And with that being said, I want to express my deepest gratitude to Tammy. She keeps holding my hand as we continually leap. I can't think of anyone I'd rather have taking these steps with me.

just the beginning

I have never felt so out of control in my life. I mean this in a really great way. I think...


I moved here to Taos last Tuesday. I moved in with a man I hadn't ever met before. We're doing a house share. It's a beautiful home -- three bedrooms, two baths, sunroom, adobe home with guest house. It sits in the midst of health care facilities of all kinds. Natural landscaping on the three acres with foothills in the back yard... How amazing that is to me that it's so surrounded by what could be considered such high volume traffic areas, and also nestled into nature. There's a panoramic view of the mountains. Over the weekend I was able to sit at the dining room table and watch the balloon festival from several windows.

Last week was this really cleansing week where I expunged long-held beliefs and emotions and god only knows what else. And today is All Soul's Day. Today my soul gets a day dedicated to itself. And today my soul is really letting me know who's in charge, and it just ain't me. Today is a whole new life. Today is just new, and so full of more than I could ever imagine that I just need to stop imagining what I think it could be.

Here's what I know for sure. So far. Tammy got a job writing health articles for the local paper this morning. She thought she was going in to do some bartering work and ends up with a paid position.

I'm going in for an interview this afternoon with a business that's within walking distance of my house. It'll be a full-time position, and I still have time to work with Tammy on our raw foods business. I also have my artwork in three different stores in town, and payday is today. Yay!

Today is the last day of the first week we've lived here. I've never been through so much in such a short time in my life. Emotionally I've been put through the wringer. However, who I am today is so much more than the person who first arrived in Taos last week. And for that I'm grateful.

Tammy has been a wonderful example to me of someone who is at ease with letting go and knowing she's okay no matter what. I see now why last week was so tough on me. I was clinging so tightly. I wanted things and people to look and act a certain way, and none of it went according to my plans. And then I got to experience what it felt like to let go of all those crazy notions. I know I'm perfectly fine just where I am. No one or no thing has to be a certain way for me to be okay. I am perfectly positioned in my life right now with everything I need, everything I could ever desire. It's all right here, right now. It's beautiful. This is paradise, knowing that no matter what shows up, no matter what it may look like, I am in the right place at the right time.

Tammy, I raise my mug of water to you this morning. Thanks for being on this trip with me. Thanks for letting me see what such an open heart full of love looks like. You are an inspiration to me, and this is just the beginning.

almost ready

Tammy and I have just completed our first week in Taos even though we didn't move here until last Tuesday, we've been here longer. I have one thing to say about it. Oh sweet baby jesus, it was the hardest week of my life. Everything it seemed that could come up for me did. When I saw Tammy last night I told her I was ready to press the escape button. I was done with being here on planet earth. I'm not sure if I've ever felt that way before. Shit from lifetimes surfaced and reared their ugly heads before releasing, and then the next thing would come up, and the next thing. Ooooohhh, I was so ready to check out completely. I was so ready to be done with this thing called life on planet earth. I couldn't even escape it by closing my eyes and going to sleep because my dreams were vivid visions filled with movies of my lives and information coming through.


Enough! I told Tammy last night that I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted the visions to stop. I wanted all the information to come to a halt. I just wanted to lay my head on the pillow and close my eyes and have nothing flash before me. I wanted peace. I just wanted peace.

Today was a brand new day. I lived in peace today. I laughed easily today. Tammy and I talked about all the stuff that came up for me this past week, stuff I truly thought was long gone. Ha! Then I played a great trick on myself. I dated a chiropractor!! Smart move. Really smart move. Shit loads from my former chiropractor husband vommitted up. Oh man, did I work through some barrels of garbage from that relationship. And that was just one thing that came up for me last week.

Tammy told me that this week the great stuff will be coming through because we released the crap that doesn't work for us anymore. We've made room for the cool stuff now. Please, God, let her be right. I am so ready for a reprieve.

I've had several people tell me that the mountain in Taos will do one of two things to you. It will either embrace you or spit you out. Well, I think in my first week here I got embraced really tightly and maybe a little abrasively too, but I certainly don't feel like I've been spit out. I'm discovering the power of healing here. I live in one of the most amazing vortexes I've ever experienced. I know there will be more releasing, more vommitting up old crap, and plenty of experiences that will make me want to phone the mothership for quick pick up. However, if I'm not going to cleanse myself here and now, just when will I do it?

I made the intention of living my life in true authenticity. The universe is honoring that, and today I appreciate it. I've had fascinating experiences today that have helped me clarify what I want in my life even more, and I'm grateful. My chiropractor friend told me he wanted to do some "work" on himself and cool things between us. Aaaahhhhh... the relief that flooded me was palpable. I do not have the energy or the time right now to devote to a relationship with a man. I so want to focus on me and how best I can serve this community right now. I'm brand new today. I'm not grown up enough yet to be in a relationship with a lover. I want my freedom to go where I want without having to check with someone else. I want some more time on my own. I want to feel more sure-footed in my new skin. I've been through so much this past week that getting out of bed today was outstanding.

I want to try myself on for awhile. I want to walk around a bit in my new feet. I just want to smell the air with my new nose. I just want to be for awhile, and when that special someone shows up, then I'll be ready. I'm just not ready yet.

show up and shut up

This morning I had just sat down at the dining room table with my hot coffee and watched the balloons rise over the houses. I was minding my own business, enjoying a nice quiet morning to myself when all of a sudden I couldn't sit still any longer. There's a birthing center down the road from me, and I felt the need to get up immediately and talk to someone there about my past job experiences of running health care facilities.


So, without finishing my coffee, brushing my teeth or washing my face, I hoof it over to them, walk in, and spill my story. Now, I have to hand it to the three women who came out to the front desk to hear me. They didn't flinch when the woman sitting down looked up at me and said, "So are you wanting to be a receptionist?"

Without hesitation, I said of course. Now in all honesty, that was the furthest thing from my mind until that moment. She told me that she had taken another position and was not able to fill hers there at the center so she was going to be leaving them without someone at the front desk. She wanted to know how soon I would be able to start.

Let's get this straight. I moved to Taos on Tuesday because why? Well, because it felt right. I found a house to move into, and it just happens to be within walking distance of this business. The man I was dating while living in Santa Fe has close ties to the house I now live in and the birthing center. He also lives right down the street.

Upon coming to Taos I realized that everything I had ever asked for, desired, contemplated on, and wished for was swirled around in a pot of what? It felt as if everything I had ever wanted was a big conglomeration of whatever just showed up. This feeling released me from anything needing to be a certain way. I did not feel it necessary to show up as an energy therapist, as a girlfriend of this chiropractor's, or as a business associate of Tammy's. I just felt the need to show up and shut up, to be totally open to however anything unfolded. I see now how I could have never guessed any of this. I see now how something so much bigger than I could ever imagine is playing out, and any judgments I could possibly have on anything or anyone is so far out in left field that it's not even worth imagining. Nothing in my past is helpful at this point. I have no references for how to live like this. Everything is a possibility. Anyone could be in my life at this point. All labels must be thrown away. Everything begins anew right now.

While working on packaging Tammy's chocolate truffles in the kitchen, we both felt a presence. Then we felt a whole lot of presences. The house was full. The chills were running through both of us, and it felt very crowded all of a sudden. The information that was relayed was just wild, and while listening I was playing a movie in my head of everything I've ever gone through in my life that had led to this moment. I was flabbergasted at how every single thing, every word spoken, every person in my life played such a significant role to get me right here right now.

I am blown away by all of it. The significance I've placed on anything in my life seems so trivial and crazy right now. I think of the... oh, it just doesn't matter. None of it matters.

I am here right now, and it seems it's a place I've been waiting for all my life. I'm meeting people who've just arrived as I have, and it feels as if I've known them forever. I'm meeting soul sisters by the handfuls. We all have similar stories, lived in the same places, and are here together now.

There is something deep within that knows what's going on. There is a peaceful feeling to all of this. I know. I just know. I am here for something so much bigger than I could've even thought possible. So, I just do what I'm inclined to do. The nudgings aren't really nudgings anymore as much as they are shovings -- kicking my ass out the door. There's no second guessing, just a quiet knowing what to do next, and every time I meet someone new I see another piece to this puzzle fitting into place. Every day I wake up to a new me, a new experience of what I am to do, where I am to show up, and just how quickly I am to close my mouth.

Ah... show up and shut up. What a way to live.

the icing on my cake

My first full day in Taos was today. I worked at a store that now has my artwork hanging, and then I volunteered with Tammy handing out Free Trade literature and chocolates at a Halloween event. First day in town and on my feet all day, meeting new people and spending time with friends. And speaking of friends, we stopped by a store owned by someone we recently met in town and looked at all that she's selling. Not only that, she had quite a bit of her own artwork for sale. The once Ms. Corporate America chucked it all for a life doing what she loves. The same goes for the two people who also have products in the store where I worked this morning. The women on either side of this store do the same. I am here in Taos surrounded by artists.


Finally, Tammy and I made our way over to a coffee shop where we talked to the barista, who we'd met before and knew him to be a massage therapist. Well, today we found out in between cups of coffee that he also carves beautiful figures out of stone. Then he introduces us to the man sitting to my right, who happened to also be a stone carver. Then, in walked a man who supplies them with a lot of their stone. Again, here I was surrounded by artists. The stone collector said he'd never had a job in his life. He only did what he loved.

I've never been in a community of people before that followed their dreams so religiously. This is common practice here. The desire for material things doesn't exist with these people. Simplicity and joy in what they're doing is everything. A good day starts sitting at the coffee shop first thing in the morning philosophising and slowing down. We were asked to join them in the morning because "women were needed -- too many men."

These are people who have few time constraints, a whole lot of dreaming going on, and excited creativity brewing. Wow! I found home.

Another thing I find fascinating is that none of these people drink. They don't hang out in bars. Instead they're in coffee shops, their stores, or their studios. I'm rather taken with this whole concept. They absolutely love what they do with their time. They're happy and open with others. I can't tell you how many people I now call my friends here in Taos, and last night was my first night to spend here.

We're staying in a beautiful home, luxurious in fact. The man who owns it is out of town. He left his key with the person I worked with today, and he met Tammy and I just last Wednesday. We spent maybe a couple of hours together and then he offered us his house. Welcome home, Jill and Tammy. Welcome home indeed.

And then there's the men we've met. I met my guy about a month ago, and now he lives down the street from me here in Taos. Honest to God, the nicest man I've ever met. I didn't think much of a sustainable relationship with him, because it hasn't felt like anything I've ever had before -- no fireworks, no craziness, no longing, no needing anything from each other. Just this amazing comfortable, lovely feeling when I'm with him or when I think about him. We went out last night. We christened my new place, and this morning while I was working, he came to see me. I just looked up from the front desk and saw him walk through the door. I didn't know I could smile so broadly. I also had this little blip that flashed through my head -- I saw us doing this years down the road. Nice...

Now, Tammy and I are looking at opening a storefront of our own while still having my artwork in two different stores right now, and running businesses on the internet. We're also writing articles, putting together book material, and creating product line for the new store.

A lot has happened since I first met Tammy last June. We are not the same people, not even close. We're much calmer, more sure of what we want, and determined to get it, no matter what. And magically, the people and circumstances keep appearing. Over and over and over. Yes, we get discouraged. Yes, we get overwhelmed. And, yes, many times we've thought of throwing in the towel and just getting jobs. Then we moved to Taos and were met by so many people who have done exactly what it is we set out to do. Their joy is palpable. Their lives are simple and fun and full of friends. Sitting with them this evening made me more sure that this is what I want, this is where I want to do it, and to have Tammy and my guy with me is truly the best icing on this girl's cake!

our house

Power of Decisions is a video I was sent on Facebook that illustrates what it is I'm talking about in this post. Kidest is the speaker, and a woman so wise beyond her years. I highly recommend you taking a look at her blogs and listening to this video. I found it very powerful, and it's exactly what Tammy and I did yesterday. Read the rest of the post and see what happened and is still happening...

Yesterday Tammy and I had the intention of going to Taos to look at a house we had our eye on. I found the listing and the pictures on the internet and we both fell in love with what we saw. I just knew that was our house. I pictured us there, doing dishes in that sink, making salads on that counter, and enjoying our friends at that dining room table.

When it came time to set a time and get directions to the place, the owner let me know that she’d already rented it. When I put down the phone, my first and only thought was: no, she didn’t. In the meantime, I set another appointment for us to see another house.

Driving to Taos I just basked in the knowledge that all was working out perfectly, no matter what it looked like. No matter what. No second guessing. No trying to figure anything out. Just relax into the moment. I was sitting in that car, riding through the mountains just higher than a kite because I was feeling the love, baby.

When we finally arrived at Linda’s little place out in the country, I hated it. I looked around, and I said no way, no way. Not for me, missy.

Next stop, the plaza. Tammy parked in a parking lot that we really weren’t planning on going into, and the first shop we walked to was a business where Tammy had met the owner years ago, and the owner wanted to work with her. Turned out the owner was still interested. While Tammy was talking with her, I wandered down the pedestrian walkway a bit until I came across a fabric shop. As I was walking up the steps, my phone rang. It was the woman who owned the original house we wanted. She asked if we’d still be interested in seeing the place, because the renters backed out. After making business arrangements with two other shop owners, we did go see the house. Now, understand I did not have appointments with these people, had never met them before, but they were positioned in my path so prominantly that I would have had to trip over them if I hadn't stopped and talked with them. Boom! Two business deals in the works. Just like that.

And now back to the house -- it comes with a dog, two bedrooms, and two baths. We’d already seen ourselves in that house. We'd already seen our family and friends eating at the table with us, and enjoying the sunsets over the mountains. The patio had furniture and a grill, just what a raw food eater like Tammy could get excited about. However, the men in our lives and I would love a slab of meat cooked over that flame.

After seeing our house, we connected with my lovely friend up there at a coffee shop and were having great fun with him, when another man comes in, sits with us, and the night just flew by.

On the drive home last night, Tammy and I were talking about how easy all those connections were made. When we stepped away from how to make anything happen and just let it evolve, the most beautiful people and situations turned up. We could not have figured out a better solution if we’d put years of thought into it.

We settled in for the night thinking that the surprises were over… Oh, you’d think we’d stop thinking, because then Tammy’s phone rang. It wasn’t until this morning when I got up and talked with her that I found out just how magical that call turned out to be. That’s her story, and I’m not going to tell it, but I just want you to know that when the thoughts disappear, when you allow the feelings of joy to fill you… oh my…

Don’t buy into what you see with your eyes or what you hear with your ears as much as how those things make you feel. If you let your heart lead you in that way, ah… Life is just magical.

I don’t know how we’re going to get the house or when or any other factors. I know that it felt good in that house. I know the dog wants us there. I know the owner wants us there, and there’s nothing else I need to know for the moment. I focus on living there, enjoying being in it, waking up in my bedroom, showering in my bathroom, having my friend sleep over, and fix him coffee in the morning. I see all of that so clearly because I feel how joyful it is for me to be in that home. I feel it. I feel it more than anything else right now. And that’s all that matters. At least for right now.

today, still?

I've been sort of here today. This morning was spent on the computer writing like a fiend. Tammy and I have so many projects in the works now, and so many lovely, wonderful things to do together. What's been interesting is that when I got done, pulled out my earbuds where Native American flute music was serenading me, and then looking around the room at Tammy and our laptops, it was a whole new world. I didn't know where I was. I didn't know how long I'd been there. I looked at the dining room table, the neighborhood outside the window, the ravens flying overhead, and at Tammy as if I'd never seen any of it before. I spent the rest of the day with great difficulty just being in my body. It felt as if the real Jill had checked out completely and had already moved to Taos. I was needing to just catch up with her.


After "struggling" to be aware of my surroundings all day, I'm so wiped out because so much was released today -- old beliefs, nonsense about myself, relationships with money and men. Just old crap that hasn't served me. Boom. Gone. And now I'm spent. I had dinner, took a shower and have been in bed typing on the computer and listening to my Native American flute music.

We're headed to Taos in the morning. I told Tammy tonight that after our little over a month stay here in Santa Fe we have gone through more transformations than in all of our lifetimes. I don't even recognize the woman I was before coming here. Now, it's time to celebrate. Now, it's time to kick up our heels a bit and enjoy the new Tammy and Jill Show. It's been a roller coaster ride these past few weeks, and it's time to commemorate us, our willingness to go down the paths we've chosen, to do the things in life most don't do, and the amazing growth and expansion that has occurred because of it.

making way for the new...

...that yearning for a new way will not produce it. Only ending the old way can do that.
You cannot hold onto the old all the while declaring that you want something new. The old will defy the new; the old will deny the new; the old will decry the new.
There is only one way to bring in the new. You must make room for it.
-Neale Donald Walsh

Tammy and I seem to be recreating ourselves every moment, and discovering new ways to work in this world. Today we went to Taos to talk with a business owner about how we could do business together. The intentions for the meeting began totally differently than they turned out. However, it was so beautifully synergistic that what came out of the meeting was nothing Tammy or I could have figured out before hand.

We are practicing the state of allowing instead of constantly doing. We're working with the ebb and flow of the energy around us. We go within, listen for the prompting and when it gets so strong that we can do nothing else, we go for it. But, our "going for it" takes a totally different look. We move forward from our hearts. Our hearts guide our words and our actions. Today was a beautiful example of being heart-centered and being fluid with our words. We let this business owner speak, and then we flowed with his direction. We repeated what we heard him say, and made sure we were flowing together. It was a downstream conversation that unfolded so beautifully that not only did we make business deals, but most importantly we made a new friend. We learned much about doing business in Taos and the beautiful things we can do together. It was lovely.

So, what Tammy and I are doing now is life brand new. And Neale's right in the above quote, we had to let go of the old to make way for the new. There was some screaming and biting nails, but we certainly let go of the old. We showed up in Taos ready to not only be these new creatures, but to open our hearts to all possibilities. To ALL possibilities. It was in the willingness to let it unfold that the new materialized. For me the trick has been to let go of the outcome. To lead with my heart, to feel the energy come from that place and then go to the person I'm with, and then allow the result to be whatever it is, to go wherever it goes, and unfold just as it will. Whether it looks like what I intended or not, is not the point. It's in having faith that whatever shows up is absolutely the perfect situation. No judging it; just enjoying the process and being grateful.

I'm not saying it's easy to let go of the old ways. Some of my old habits went down with a huge fight, and some of their remnants still remain, just a bit, but I keep releasing and letting go because more than anything else, I want to live my life from my heart and stop using my head for speculations and judgments. I want to allow my story to unfold seamlessly and enjoy the unfoldment with great relish.

I see how allowing events and people flow into my life has created a world for me filled with souls that have been waiting for this. Tammy has certainly been one such soul, and now we have this magnificent man that Tammy calls her brother, and I call my lover. We've been waiting a very long time for each other without even knowing it until we all showed up to play together. And next Taos... who else will join us then? It's a beautiful journey.

welcome home

home: a place where one likes to be


There were many definitions of home when I looked it up, but the one above is the one I'm referring to in this note. My home is wherever I am. It's not a building. It's where I reside in my heart. Tammy and I have been talking about living from the heart instead of the head, and today I'm living that fully. I choose to. I have been in this physical body for 54 years now, and I'm more than ready to be who I know I am. I am home. I am love. I am.

It's interesting to be coming from this heart-centered place and at the same time be with those in our surroundings who come from the head. I just don't know what I would do without Tammy living from the heart too. This world, this planet, this society, our American culture just is not taught to lead from the heart, and now that we have chosen this way to live, it's fascinating to see how it affects those we come in contact with.

We are learning to be very different than the world around us, the world who taught us to work hard, be corporate, strive for money, etc. We are creating from our heart. Our decisions are made from a place of love. Our words and our actions flow out of us from the space of compassion. It is all we have chosen to be now. It's also being constantly mindful of our thoughts before we say or do anything. It's being so present that we feel through our moments. We feel. We feel the energy of that love, that abundance, that true wealth. We feel.

Several years ago I had a reading from an amazing woman in Australia who told me that I would be living my life from a place that I had never been before. She said it would be as if I walked into the house and didn't know how to turn on the faucet or the lights because they would have switches like I've never seen before. I feel like I'm in that house now. I'm in unfamiliar territory, and yet, and yet, it is home. It's where I belong. It's me. It's everything I've been desiring. I walk through the house and may not know how to flip on the switch immediately but the ability to learn how to do it comes to me quickly. I know what I'm doing. I know how to do what I need to do. I just have to come from my heart to remember.

I am home.

being power

There are so many things I love about Tammy, and today I got to experience yet another one.


I had spent the day putting all of my art inventory online to sell. I had no idea I had that much stuff, still. It took me the whole day; my brain was fried; and I was exhausted. I got ready to take a walk but instead felt like going to bed. Tammy asked me what I was hiding from. I told her I wasn't hiding, just been in front of the computer and now my brain was mush.

She didn't buy it. She told me I was feeling that way to avoid facing the real stuff going on with me. (This is the part I had to work really hard at today to be able to love her.) I really just wanted to lie down and cover my head. I was just tired. Worked my ass off and now needed rest. She wasn't falling for any of it, so we took a walk.

You see, I have lots of references for working hard and not making any money. I did it for most of my adult life. I don't believe for a moment that working hard equals lots of money. What I really doubted was my own ability to provide for myself. Tammy asked me if I knew how powerful I really am. I didn't feel so powerful. I was tired. I was scared, and I just wanted to hide under covers.

Everything is energy, whether it's a man, money, or God. Same energy. What do I draw to me? If I can draw an exceptional man, I can also have more money than I can even spend. I know that I have to truly be intentional and authentic to keep this man in my life because he won't stay for anything less. So, I've made this sincere and insistent intention of not only having a man like this one in my life, but also the money, the business, the connection to my Source, and peace with it all. Well, to bring that in, I better up my game even more, and I discovered that today.

So, here we are walking in the dark. Tammy's looking at the stars, and I'm busting my hump to make a breakthrough with all of this because dammit! I am ready for all I want in my life. I want money for everything I desire. I want to hold conferences, workshops, lecture series, book signings, and events in our retreat center near Taos. I want the Honda Pilot to get me to and from there with ease. I want the ability to know, truly know, who I am and that I am capable of everything I desire in my life. I am that woman that can write those books, develop the curriculum for classes we want to teach, create the artwork for the labels for our raw foods, speak in front of crowds, and anything else I so choose to do. Not only do I know I can do all this, I know I already have. I just need to catch up with my future because there are so many people waiting for me.

I caught myself throughout the day thinking thoughts that didn't serve me, thoughts that I've had for most of my life. Limiting thoughts, thoughts of lack, and every time a thought like that would creep in, I would realize that I was feeling less about myself. I was distrusting my own capabilities. I was viewing myself as someone so much smaller than I really am.

Who am I not to have all that I want? Who says I can't have that retreat center outside of Taos? Who says?

Well, certainly not me. I'm surrendering and trusting that it all comes together because I know, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, who I really am, and all the doubters, the people who feel the need to "straighten" me out, will not be listened to. Their words fall by the wayside, and that includes any thoughts of my own that fit into that category. I deserve everything I want, and so does every single person on this planet. The Universe conspires to do good for us once we choose what it is we want.

People, people, I got to experience the most wonderful man in the world last weekend. I got to feel the deepest sense of peace. I opened my heart so willingly and lovingly to another being. If I can do that, not only can I do anything I desire, but so can you. We are the power behind everything we want to be, do, or have. We can create anything wonderful we so choose. God knows we've done wonders with creating lots of what we don't want, so let's just start focusing on the feelings of having what we do want.

And to be able to do that, we need to pay close attention to those thoughts that appear. For example, I was in the shower tonight after our walk, and getting a little nervous about our move to Taos, when a thought bolted in: Who are you not to have what you want? It was then that I realized that what I must do is be very mindful of the thoughts that come in, and embrace the ones that make me feel good and release all the rest. And then, really feel, I mean really get down deep into how it feels to have everything I want, and then let it go.

I am so looking forward to the magical unfolding of events as we move to Taos and set up all that we do for the next phase of our lives here. I am so grateful for all the people, the lessons learned, and the situations that have risen into fantasitc opportunities for us. This is the beginning, another one, and there will be lots more to come. As each one arises I'll be even more powerful than I was during the last one because I will have grown that much more into who I really am. Thank you, Universe! I love how you conspire to do good for me, and I hear all those doors banging open as I keep walking through.

feeling my way through life

My first trip to Taos was yesterday. My last time in the Colorado Rockies was almost two years ago. I know Santa Fe is in the Rockies too, but there is something about the proximity of the mountains in Taos that remind me so much more of my life in Colorado. The cloud formations, the color of the mountains in sunset, the aspens turning gold... There was something about Taos that made me feel like I was more home than in Santa Fe.


Let me see if I can describe this better because I know some people think I'm a flake flitting from one town to the next after having been in one place for most of my life. What I'm discovering about how I live now is that I fully come from my heart. I go where it feels really, really good, and sometimes that means that I move more often than I used to. So what? Maybe I'm not meant to plant myself again like I did while being married. God knows, I'm not meant for that kind of existence. I am loose and airy, flying easily where my heart leads. My head is so much quieter and my heart so much more open.

I see how the world operates. I see how people live and are considered to be "normal." I used to live that life myself. I used to have a mortgage or two, car loans, school loans, business loans, payroll taxes, unemployment insurance to pay... I remember those days very, very well, and now I don't live by a calendar that lists when all those bills are due. I don't go to bed at night wondering how to pay the expenses that overshot the income sometimes while the one overshooting snored beside me like a hibernating bear.

When I awake now, I lay in bed and feel into my morning. I feel the world I wish to create come into existence before putting my feet on the floor. I visualize those experiences I want in my life right now. I see Tammy's and my work affecting those around us. I see the home we live in with the gourmet kitchen fully stocked with everything we need to make our products. I see the people we work on and how peaceful they feel when their sessions are over. I see the men in our lives adding to the fullness we already have. I see the four of us getting along famously and thoroughly enjoying each other's company. I see us hiking in the mountains, soaking in the hot springs, and feeling the peace under the starlit sky. One man is drumming, the other's playing the flute, and we're stretched out looking at the stars, absorbing their music, and being grateful.

This is what I see. This is what I focus on, no matter what my eyes show me. The men are already here, and we are enjoying them tremendously. I can feel our new place. I can feel our happiness in how our business is growing and affecting others. I swirl in the peace of it all because it is the realest my life has ever been, and I surrender to how it unfolds, and trust that it is doing just that as I write this sentence.

And, while I just wrote that last sentence in the above paragraph, we just received a request by a local college to set up a work station there so that we could do sessions on students. This occurred after Tammy turned down an office position this morning, and I turned down a corporate position last week. It's amazing what happens when we trust, when we surrender, and when we are so very, very grateful for everything that has entered our lives. Wow, look out world The Tammy and Jill Show is here!! I feel the house, the gourmet kitchen, that large deck overlooking the mountains, the horses grazing lazily in the pasture, and those lovely, lovely men enoying sharing their lives with us!!! Woo hoo!!!! It's in the following of your heart that the Universe flings doors open. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

tranquility

Tammy and I were talking on our drive back to Santa Fe tonight about this wonderful man who took the two of us out to dinner after our successful day today. He's someone I went out with last Friday night, and after spending the evening with him tonight I felt the same way agaiin about him. It's a feeling I haven't had about a man before. I'm tranquil. I'm at peace. I am whole and full. That's how I feel after being with him. We sat outside on the patio at a restaurant in Taos and enjoyed each other's company immensely. Kicking back in our chairs, sipping our drinks, and devouring chips and salsa.


The conversation never stopped. It flowed from one topic to the next. Laughter came easily, and I just didn't want to stop looking in his eyes. He showed us around his office. We sat in his waiting room and talked before going out to dinner. His office felt good, warm and inviting, healing and gracious. I wasn't sure I wanted to leave. If it had had a fireplace with fire crackling, I knew I would've set up camp for the winter right there on his couch with him beside me.

I loved watching him and Tammy interact. I loved that they got along so well especially after I got a chance to have a very fun morning with her and someone she's interested in. It was lovely, and tonight got even lovelier.

While Tammy went inside to get a refill on her drink, my friend and I sat on the patio and talked about families. He told me that I may not have gotten a chance to pick the family I was born into, but now I could hand select those I wanted to call family. I was sitting at the table with two of them.

Tammy and I have learned to drop our paddles and let our canoe just flow downstream. This morning at 3:30 I got a cosmic whack upside the head with red neon letters flashing before me: TAOS, and then as soon as I got up I got a Facebook friend request from a man in Taos who owns a business. I not only friended him, but told him what Tammy and I are doing. He suggested we stop by and talk with him about our work and products. Now let me tell you, I don't ignore signs like that, so after our morning hike, off we went to Taos, met my new friend, and now have business together. On the drive over, we got an email from one of the Santa Fe schools asking us to schedule with them so that we can get our work in their school.

And then we got the chance to dine with one of the most wonderful men on this planet. I am so grateful to have him in my life, so grateful that Tammy and he are friends, and ever so grateful to be able to feel this tranquil after having been with him. This, I'm sure, is how easy it is to live life, this full, this magical, and this blessed.