Saturday, October 30, 2010

show up and shut up

This morning I had just sat down at the dining room table with my hot coffee and watched the balloons rise over the houses. I was minding my own business, enjoying a nice quiet morning to myself when all of a sudden I couldn't sit still any longer. There's a birthing center down the road from me, and I felt the need to get up immediately and talk to someone there about my past job experiences of running health care facilities.

So, without finishing my coffee, brushing my teeth or washing my face, I hoof it over to them, walk in, and spill my story. Now, I have to hand it to the three women who came out to the front desk to hear me. They didn't flinch when the woman sitting down looked up at me and said, "So are you wanting to be a receptionist?"

Without hesitation, I said of course. Now in all honesty, that was the furthest thing from my mind until that moment. She told me that she had taken another position and was not able to fill hers there at the center so she was going to be leaving them without someone at the front desk. She wanted to know how soon I would be able to start.

Let's get this straight. I moved to Taos on Tuesday because why? Well, because it felt right. I found a house to move into, and it just happens to be within walking distance of this business. The man I was dating while living in Santa Fe has close ties to the house I now live in and the birthing center. He also lives right down the street.

Upon coming to Taos I realized that everything I had ever asked for, desired, contemplated on, and wished for was swirled around in a pot of what? It felt as if everything I had ever wanted was a big conglomeration of whatever just showed up. This feeling released me from anything needing to be a certain way. I did not feel it necessary to show up as an energy therapist, as a girlfriend of this chiropractor's, or as a business associate of Tammy's. I just felt the need to show up and shut up, to be totally open to however anything unfolded. I see now how I could have never guessed any of this. I see now how something so much bigger than I could ever imagine is playing out, and any judgments I could possibly have on anything or anyone is so far out in left field that it's not even worth imagining. Nothing in my past is helpful at this point. I have no references for how to live like this. Everything is a possibility. Anyone could be in my life at this point. All labels must be thrown away. Everything begins anew right now.

While working on packaging Tammy's chocolate truffles in the kitchen, we both felt a presence. Then we felt a whole lot of presences. The house was full. The chills were running through both of us, and it felt very crowded all of a sudden. The information that was relayed was just wild, and while listening I was playing a movie in my head of everything I've ever gone through in my life that had led to this moment. I was flabbergasted at how every single thing, every word spoken, every person in my life played such a significant role to get me right here right now.

I am blown away by all of it. The significance I've placed on anything in my life seems so trivial and crazy right now. I think of the... oh, it just doesn't matter. None of it matters.

I am here right now, and it seems it's a place I've been waiting for all my life. I'm meeting people who've just arrived as I have, and it feels as if I've known them forever. I'm meeting soul sisters by the handfuls. We all have similar stories, lived in the same places, and are here together now.

There is something deep within that knows what's going on. There is a peaceful feeling to all of this. I know. I just know. I am here for something so much bigger than I could've even thought possible. So, I just do what I'm inclined to do. The nudgings aren't really nudgings anymore as much as they are shovings -- kicking my ass out the door. There's no second guessing, just a quiet knowing what to do next, and every time I meet someone new I see another piece to this puzzle fitting into place. Every day I wake up to a new me, a new experience of what I am to do, where I am to show up, and just how quickly I am to close my mouth.

Ah... show up and shut up. What a way to live.

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