I am discovering more and more that I know less and less. I’m discovering that what I think is true one moment is utterly false the next. So, when I was taught “to speak my truth” I’m not sure anymore what that could possibly be.
I’m immersed in the energy of this beautiful Native man whose philosophy is “whatever is.” Whatever is right now is whatever is. There’s no past or future to talk about really because it’s all about whatever is. And whatever is I’m discovering is malleable, so much so that it morphs into something different immediately sometimes.
While in the shower yesterday morning, I was awash with this feeling of the universe being as fluid as the water pouring over me. The words I’d been told, the people in my life just formed waves of colors around me and through me. There was nothing else but this fabric of colors. There was nothing good or bad, nothing that had to be done or said. I became quieter, inwardly calm, pulled back from the noise of the world. And still I feel as though it was my heart removed in The Last of the Mohicans, and then replaced with a newer one, one that feels clearer, one with less baggage attached.
I don’t know how many times I wish there were words for what it is I want to say. I have a degree in English. I’ve written a novel. I speak and write every single day. You’d think I’d know words for my feelings, but I’m discovering that what I’m going through is indescribable. How do I put words to the experience I had in the shower? How do I put words to how it feels when I think about this wonderful man I’ve been seeing? How do I describe how different I am every single day? This experience has been mind-blowing. I remember asking for a manual so I knew how to do this thing called life, and what I’m realizing is that my friend had it right all along – be with whatever is. In that place there are no crazy thoughts rolling around in my head. It’s just being. It’s just being okay with all because I know it’s perfect just as it is. There’s no need for crazy-making because in that beingness there are no wrong paths, no misconstrued detours. Everything is just the way it is – perfect and complete.
So, back to the shower… I knew there was something different after I had that experience. I knew I was different. I feel less inclined to participate in loud conversation. I enjoy quiet, solitude, peace, tranquility. It’s in the silence that I hear the most.
I was supposed to see my friend yesterday when we got done with all of our errands in Taos, but he let me know that he was going to be busy all day. At that moment I felt this rush of energy go through me as if I’d been shot with a tranquilizer gun. I just sat with it and breathed deeply, watching the scenery as we drove.
What I wonder is if our energies merge in a way that both of us feel it, or is it just me? The reason he couldn’t meet me was because he was doing something very spiritual, and upon reading his text to me, I immediately went into a holy realm deep within me. I might’ve participated in conversations and walked through the town, but there was this peaceful warmth that I was wrapped up in.
I don’t know if this energy is from this man, this town, or the experiences I’m going through. What I know for sure is that when I’m with him, I’m calm. I’m peaceful. I’m everything and all. I’m enough. I just am. And then, I have that same feeling when it seems to me our energies merge. I feel it more every day. I don’t know what to call it, or even if a word exists for it. Sometimes I’ll notice how differently I feel, how things just don’t affect me like they used to, and it’ll remind me of him. Can that be possible? Can it be possible for one person to “rub off” onto another like that?
This is how I feel. It’s tranquility at its deepest. I go within and surrender. There’s nothing else to do at the moment.
"...I salute the light in your eyes where the Universe dwells. When you are at the center in you, and I'm at that place within me, we shall be one."-- Crazy Horse