I believe this has to have been the strangest day of my life. And believe me most of my days are pretty strange.
It was the first day I didn't go out for a hike since living here. As a matter of fact, it's 8:16 p.m. and I'm still in my robe. I've been reading and writing most of the day, typing like crazy really. And, when I went to save what I had typed this morning, it all disappeared. Apparently it wasn't necessary to keep those words.
I've been feeling as if I'm not part of this planet anymore. Not only did my words disappear, but I also used someone else's image on my Facebook profile picture, and four people noticed the difference and commented. I felt like I was invisible. It made me really think about how I was showing up in the world. Or, not showing up at all maybe. Even as I write this, I wonder about still being here on this planet in this house in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Am I really here, or is it just one of those illusory things? I sent emails that have gone unanswered, haven't even been able to contact Sprint, and you'd think they'd answer if money were involved.
Am I really here? It just hasn't felt so much like it today. I cocooned myself with books, journal, and laptop. It feel like being a part of the "world" is not where I belonged today. There's been this cyclone of energy swirling around me and dropping me off in all different levels of consciousness, or so it seems. I've never been in this situation before and don't know what to make of it, so I just get up every morning and do what feels good.
Tammy and I had a long discussion about what it means to follow our hearts. What would our lives look like if we made every decision based on what our hearts told us? That's how we're living right now. Following our hearts, listening within, and not caring what society thinks or what others want us to do, and that includes ourselves sometimes. There are still those ugly little thoughts that creep in about whether or not we deserve these magnificent men, these fabulous businesses, our beautiful home, etc. And, why don't we deserve all of this?
It's a whole lot of retraining the brain, that's for sure. It's constantly catching those crazy thoughts of doubting what we have and what we desire. It's the ability to put a halt to all those questions of how we're going to make it work or when or where or whatever else. It's that kind of crazy making that can send us over the edge. Luckily, we have each other to stop us before we get too carried away.
The only thing necessary is the what and the why. Really. What do we want and why do we want it. It's amazing to see what happens when we drop those paddles and let the canoe float downstream. There are a few people who understand what I'm talking about and actually live their lives like that. Most of the time I can keep my thoughts fairly well focused on what it is I want. It's those crazy little thoughts that eek in when I'm not paying attention.
For me, I know when I'm back on track because of the way I feel. What I mean by that is the energy that I feel in my body. It tells me how closely connected I am to what I want. When I feel good, the connection is strong. When I feel ecstatic, I am immersed in the thrill of having what I want. It's interesting to know right now how great the connection is because I can think of this wonderful man I like, and feel really, really good instead of going crazy wondering why I haven't heard from him tonight because that's where I would've gone with any other man.
But this Jill is different. This Jill knows the truth. The truth that she is her own creator of her story, her life. She doesn't rely on another for how things go. She orchestrates what she desires and lets it unfold however it does. The one thing I've learned is that what I (my ego) wants is nothing compared to what the universe delivers. If I just put it out there, if I get really clear on what I want, concentrate on that, and let it go, the real magic begins. The ease in life shows up. The grace, the elegance, the beauty escalates, and I wonder why I would ever want to even think I'm in control of the delivery.
As I float downstream in my canoe, I see all those things I've ever wanted. They're all mine for the asking. Tammy and I have been witnesses to everything unfolding so beautfiully for us here because we are willing to surrender and trust. We know. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the miraculous is just around the corner. It always is. It's the believing it when there's no outward sign that we should. It's the solid faith that it's showing up perfectly, whatever it looks like. It's the easy breathing, the letting go, and the unwavering faith that makes dropping the paddles a breeze. And, when you keep seeing the miracles that show up over and over, it's easy to forget what once was the only way we lived -- thinking we needed to know the answers to all the other questions, the who, the where, the when, and the how. Drop those bad boys out of your thought processes and watch the magic begin!