Saturday, May 30, 2009

To excavating -- may they be fewer and less painful

I have been known to be a master at many things, but lately it's been the mastery of self-excavation that I've buried myself in. And this has been excruciatingly painful. Some people may call it the dark night of the soul, but let me just say it's been a whole lot longer than a night.

For those who don't know, I ended a 32 year relationship a couple of years ago. Thinking that I was cool, wonderful, ready to move on, etc. I did just that. I moved to another town and began what I called at that time different relationships with different men. What I know now is that I had many one-night stands with the same men over and over because it never went deeper than that. There were no self-excavations or self-examinations, for that matter.

However, I've formed a relationship with a man that has been different from anything I've experienced before. We chose to be honest with each other, to be in integrity with each other, and those intentions have set in motion this time bomb within me that just exploded. As James Arthur Ray says, "What's suppressed will be expressed at a later date in uglier ways." I know for a fact that it is not only true, but a huge understatement.

Let's just call this man Sam from Seattle. Sam was only trying to help me with my computer, installing anti-viral computer software that he had given my daughter and me to protect both our computers. I tried to install it with no luck. My daughter attempts it. Again, with no chance in hell of it working, and for some reason, when he calls me to see if we'd gotten it installed, I chose to jump into an old pattern so quickly that I didn't know what hit me. Beautiful, wonderful Sam turned into the ex who used to wag his finger at me, raising his voice, and making it clear to anyone in shouting distance that I was pretty much nothing more than stupid.

What? Where did my sanity go? How I could've switched from one reality to another so quickly is still a mystery to me, but somehow I flew into craziness and set up shop as its mayor, because for the past few days, I have been out of my mind creating scenarios that only someone who needs to be put away would come up with.


Because someone whom I love very much said something benign to me that sent me down this rabbit hole of remembering the verbal outbursts I had experienced with an ex. At first, I would take the ex's words in as truth, learning that I wasn't worth shit, that it was okay to belittle me, to interrogate me, and to chastise me. I showed this man that my self-worth was nowhere to be found and apparently it was okay to shit on me any chance he got. Then I learned to wrap those words around me for protection. I didn't let anyone else in. I formed what I had called relationships with men doing whatever it took to please them, convinced that would entice them to love me. I never went into deep conversations with them. It just became about sex pretty quickly in every situation so that I could keep my mouth busy without having to talk. I thought I had grown so much after leaving the ex, and I did, but the growth that really matters is just now coming out into the open.

And it hurts.


This dear, sweet man that I truly love has been allowed in. He's been allowed into my world that I had even hidden from myself. And when he came in, the ugliness that I had been hiding for most of my life surfaced. The inability to truly treasure myself and to know my self-worth rushed to the forefront with such urgency, it left me gasping for air. I'm just now breathing, and it's days later.

Every loud word, ugly accusation, etc. that I endured jetted forward, oozing out of every cell in my body. Not only do I hurt from head to toe, but my throat feels like it has been burned by hot lava that spewed from the volcanic eruption that started in the pit of my stomach. An amazing friend called me tonight "out of the blue" and she began coughing until she couldn't speak. Before losing her ability to talk, she let me know that before that moment she was having no issues with her throat at all. Amazingly, she felt the choking and fire that I was experiencing. Now, that was remarkable. I was in awe of how I saw first hand, that we truly are one.

This whole experience has been a true testament to the magnificence of the workings of the universe. Here I thought I was dripping in evolvement and enlightenment. After all, I'd been working with a shaman for years, and lately working with James Arthur Ray. I'd been reading spiritual books, and absorbing everything possible that I felt led me down the path of higher vibrational living. I just knew I had my shit together.

And then -- WHAM!

I've been expelling shit for days now.

I found my ipod and have been listening to a psychic reading I had a year ago. She (the psychic) says that there will be an amazing being that shows up in my life, someone who has "the genius code and lives the mastery that he is." And then she says that I must be that person myself to attract this man. Well, I did have moments of that mastery until remnants of who I was smacked me upside the head with the memories of verbal abuse. Verbal abuse, my daughter reminded me, that I had allowed to occur. I had taught her dad how to treat me. And she is absolutely right. I taught another human being to shit on me because that was the only treatment I thought I was worthy of back then. Now, I know I'm worthy of so much more, and as this new man showers me with his affection in the form of fixing my computer, I retreat into a fetal position. Hm...makes so much sense, does it not? Where did I get this formula for success? I'm thinking my parents wasted a lot of money on my education.

So now, I'm digging myself out of this hole I buried myself into a few days ago. I'm watching the perfection of the universe show up as beautiful beings come to my aid with kind words, loving gestures, and today, a beautiful man singing to me outside about how wonderful I look tonight. How amazing is all of this? I've had extraordinary phone calls today from people I haven't talked to in a while. C'mon, a singer sings outside of a bistro to me and my daughter as people walked by. What a completely perfect day.

So, thank you, Universe! Thank you, Buzz, for the wonderful song, and to let you know it does not take tequila for me to see how beautiful you are.

Thank you, Mindie, for the truly over the top conversation today.

Cathy, thank you for the healing you offered me. It was so heartfelt and incredibly kind. And, to Emily for her sweet phone call to let me know you're all right.

Alyssa, thank you for always being there for me and certainly putting up with my craziness. You are the best that has ever happened to me!

And lastly, to this kind man who was only trying to help me, thank you for the help you really gave me. I am becoming brand new, and whatever that means for us, I am grateful. If there is an us -- cool, and if there's not, that's cool too. I only wish you the best of everything, whatever that happens to be and whoever that happens to be with. In any case, I'm grateful to you for triggering this journey I've taken to excavate the things in me that no longer serve me. When the excavation is over, the beauty that remains is going to be beyond compare. I can't wait to see what it is.


  1. Jill, you're a rock star and I'm thrilled to have you in my life! It was awesome to talk with you this morning.

    Keep digging sister... and let that light from "the end of the tunnel" reignite from within. ~ Mindie

  2. Beautifully written my amazing friend. To quote (although not verbatim) Micheal Bernard Beckwith in "Sprirual Liberation"

    "We are already our "true" selves, already the best we can be. Our job is to peel off the layers that have been covering us up"

    It seems to me that you are doing a GREAT job with this :) :)

    Lots of love