One of the things James Arthur Ray taught me is that there is a law of rhythm. Tide comes in, tide goes out. Life is cyclical, ever changing. Those amazing days I had turned into something else. What was my part in that -- everything... I caused it all. You see, I have this long-standing story to uphold, one that says that I'm not worthy of amazing love, supercharged heightened love, even though I've experienced it several times, just not on a consistent basis. What is consistent in my life is change. One thing I know for sure is that my life will be different in the next 5 minutes. There will be different people, different places, different circumstances in the blink of an eye. That I can guarantee. I would so like it to be smooth, but then I'd miss out on the highs, and those feel pretty darn good. Ah, and then there are the lows. I'm experiencing one right now. I'm looking at why I attracted something into my life that I've attracted before. Why did I do it again?
This morning when I awoke I received an email from a dear, dear friend who sent me the link to What the Bleep?! Down the Rabbit Hole. And in it Joe Dispenza made a comment that illustrated to me exactly why I was questioning my ability to attract what I attracted. Here's what he said:
Everybody is secretly an adventurer. Everybody loves the adventure. It's just taking that first step, and once they have that moment of insight, that moment of insight carries the frequencies in the body and they're enlivened by possibility. They're enlivened by unknown potentials. They're enlivened by future potential that may be down the rabbit hole a little further and if they allow themselves to experience the quandary and the mysticism and the possibility that when they emerge from the rabbit hole they're a different person and now they go back into their world and because they've processed that information and left footprints in the mind and the brain, their perception of the world will never be the same.
Someone else in the movie put it this way:
If you don't see the traps, you have to go through the crap until you see the traps, because if you don't see it, it's your own teaching machine. It's the only way for you to understand something new, so the universe brings these things to your door and there is learning in them for you if you are willing to reflect upon them and to think beyond the rigid mindset.
So, today I'm reflecting. I'm reflecting on why I did it again. Why did I attract into my life something I've attracted into it before? When do I learn that lesson and not repeat it? James said that once we learn a lesson doesn't mean that we won't experience an opportunity to go through it again, but this time it'll just be at a different level because we've changed. This one was definitely at a different level, a level beyond my comprehension, a level so profound I was so willing to throw myself over the edge without thinking twice until I hit the bottom. Ouch...
It was a great lesson. Invaluable. It woke me up, got me out of an unconscious state, and propelled me back into paying attention to what's really going on instead of falling into a vat of addiction -- an addiction to an emotion. Abraham/Hicks talks about going where it feels good. Well, I did just that. I went to where it felt better than it ever had and then -- splat! -- when I ended up in a face plant, I knew I fell without making conscious decisions. Again.
What's interesting is that I was getting sick. Allergies were kicking in, and the last time that happened I was going down a path that didn't serve me. I really paid attention this time when the sneezing got out of hand, and then there were the other symptoms that took over my attention. My body was telling me I was off kilter. I knew it. I felt it. And then there was the train wreck that halted everything. I call it a train wreck when in actuality all it was was the realization of the facts. The facts in this situation slammed into me as soon as I opened the door so wide I couldn't not let the wreck in, and then -- pow! I didn't duck or jump out of the way. I let it slam right into me, and today I'm nursing my wounds a bit. And questioning why I allowed myself to jump right in front of a moving train. Again. I'm not a young pup. I know better. Really, I do. But I did it again.
Wow...I look back on it and I'm mesmerized by the beauty of the twisted metal and lingering sparks of the wreckage at my door. It was all so beautiful. I was hypnotized, drunk, and willing to jump right in front of that blaring light that came right at me. I pushed everything out of the way so I could be the first in its sight as it came barreling through the passageway right for me. Baby, I planted myself firmly in its path, and I did a damn good job of feeling the wreckage of the aftermath.
And today, I just ask myself what did I learn from it all? I created it. I manifested it, and I chose it with everything within me. I did this myself. I did this to myself, and what have I learned from it?
I'm reinventing myself. My previous self would bury herself in her work. This present self, the one that's climbed out of the twisted metal is facing the disaster area head-on, feeling the feelings, paying attention to what she agreed to and what she got out of it. Now, it's time to pick up the scattered discards and clean up the mess. What do I do with what is left? And what is left?
As I come back up out of the rabbit hole and after having left footprints on the mind, who am I now? What adventure do I choose next? The world is such an infinite place of possibilities, so which one do I jump onto now? What have I not experienced that I would love to have foremost in my life right now? What would that be? I still choose love. I choose love whole-heartedly. I choose love without a moment's hesitation, but this time I choose availability also. I choose to love with a fully opened heart and shower that love on someone who can say yes to me, someone who can say yes to me right now because now is all that matters.