Monday, May 25, 2009

lessons learned while opening my heart even more

I just finished reading my last post written on Friday. I ended it saying that I still choose love. There was something in that post about how quickly my life changes, that it would be different in the next five minutes, or something to that effect. Well, that Friday was the quickest changing day of my life.

I've been in a ping pong match without even realizing it until the game came to an end. I really see the part I played in it, and I'm grateful for the new vision.

You see, I was supposed to have this amazingly romantic weekend with an amazingly romantic guy in my life. He canceled. That was what my Friday post was about without me really saying it, I think.

He showed up anyway.

I'm still so battle-scarred that I'm not sure how I feel right now. I know I went down a path that I didn't like for myself -- but I did it anyway. Something I've done over and over and over. I so choose love in my life that I disregard what's in my highest good and jump hook, line, and sinker. I'm such a putz for love. I love the feeling. I love being thought about, and I love thinking about the guy. This guy especially. This guy raised the bar so damn high, and then it came crashing down this weekend.

I set myself up for this. I did this to and for myself. This is an excellent example of what not to do ever again. I really thought I'd learned this already, but apparently needed this on a whole new level. Ah, thank you, universe. Face planting is a old sport for me, and I'm ready to move onto something else now. I'm ready to leap knowing the net will appear instead of leaping in the wrong direction until I land face first on the bottom, wherever that may be.

So, what did I learn?

I'm breathing deeply before typing this, because I've chosen this forum to air myself out to dry in public. I'm baring my soul here, and I want to be truthful and accurate. I want someone to be able to read this, to be able to learn without having to experience this, and hopefully teach myself something new in the meantime.

I learned what happens when I love at the expense of myself. Again. This time though I learned it on a much grander scale. I learned it with a guy who rocked my world like none other, and the lesson has cut much deeper. Maybe now I'll learn not to do this again. Maybe now I won't fall instead of leaping. Maybe now, I'll honor me first and foremost, instead of being the sacrifice. Again.

My friends say I'm being too harsh on myself. That beating myself up does no good. Excuse me if it sounds like a beating because what I really want it to be is self-examination. I want to be able to truly recognize this experience as a warning from the universe about not honoring myself. That giving myself away does no good for no one.

This new life I keep forming for myself gets tweaked in many ways. The tweaking this weekend turned into a major slap across the face. Apparently I needed some waking up, and I appreciate what it took for me to open my eyes and look myself in the mirror.

Before I would've said it was the man who caused this, but now I know who the real creator of this movie is. I know who's doing the dreaming, and I know it's me. I know I directed myself right into that corner. I did this willingly, and now I must accept my role in it, learn my lessons from it, and move forward with great love for myself.

There is an Hawaiian tradition (called something I can't spell), but it's a forgiveness, or "cleaning" method that I've used for a while now. It goes something like this: I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

For the life of me, I can't remember exactly why it's those four sentences and why it's important to say them in the correct order (and I'm not even sure they're in the right order), but just saying them makes me feel better.

I admit I'm human. I admit I love sex. I admit I have had an addiction to how it feels. I admit to all of this. I admit that I love being in love. I admit to being addicted to those feelings also. And when the opportunity presented itself, I jumped at the chance. I went crazy head-on blindly at it, once I allowed the pursuer in. Once I let him in, I had the time of my life.

And now it's over.

Or is it?

Do I ever really know what's going to happen? Absolutely not. Sometimes it's just easier for me to make a clean break, to start over new, and forget the past. However, I created a little dilemma for myself. I created beautiful memories of him in the town where I live, in the restaurants and bars that I frequent, with my daughter and another friend, and even in the apartment where I live. He bought me many gifts that are all over the place. This time it won't be quite so easy to dump that vat of memories.

In 2007 I lived with a family in Steamboat Springs, CO. They had a beautiful compound and graciously let me live in an apartment above the garage for free. It was a great arrangement because I loved being in such beautiful surroundings with a family I loved. It was a no-brainer really. Here's the interesting thing. Right before I moved into that apartment, one of their brothers came to visit, and after having many conversations with him on the phone and knowing his family, I jumped headlong into a weekend of craziness with him, and then moved into the apartment where we had spent the weekend together. His last name was on the stone at the end of the driveway and on the mat at the front door. There were pictures of him in the house, and most of all there was his brother that had so many similarities that looking at him could become painful. Because, you see, after some magical times with this guy, he dropped me like a hot potato. I leapt that time without looking for the net, and my face still has scars from where I landed.

Why do I fall so easily? Why do I keep choosing to leap without a net? Why, why, why?

Because loving someone feels so good. I am meant to love. I know that. I am meant to have a fabulous man who adores me as I do him. I am meant to laugh and cuddle and sing out loud, to dance the nights away, to drink red wine, and be caressed. I love how it feels to have an open heart. I love how high the highs feel, and when the lows show up, the pain is exquisite. It's a deep heartfelt strike that goes through my body with ease. It tears me down. It whittles away at all the unnecessary, and when I come back to breathing normally again, I'm new. I'm new in ways that I've never experienced before. I'm new for the next experience that will send me over the top because I know there will be one, and I desire it. I look forward to it. I look forward to opening my heart even more and more and more until that's all I am but an open heart pouring out love.

This is why I came here -- to love with all my heart. And one day there will be the right man in the right time in the right place, and we will connect and it will be beyond my wildest dreams. In the meantime, I thank all the previous men who have helped me open my heart because the best is just around the corner and I'm getting ready.

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