Last night I had a two-hour conversation with a friend of mine. Now, he'd probably say it wasn't a conversation but more a monologue he listened to. I was teaching him that it was okay to talk to me in a way that just didn't feel good to me. I realized how I had allowed men to do this to me all my life. Here's how I remember the conversation going:
"Jill, I'm a man. Tell me one thing at a time. Don't go all over the place talking about everything but what it is you're trying to tell me. Have you heard of spiderwebbing? That's what you're doing."
Then he proceeds to tell me that someone sent him a link to a video because it reminded them of me. I asked why they would send him a video about me. He said it was because they knew that he knew me.
Now, I'm sitting there wondering who in the heck this person could be, why a video would remind them of me, and why in the world would they be inclined to send it to him.
He tells me to check it out on the internet.
I watch a baby jabbering away nonstop at her father while she's strapped in a car seat. Dad sits beside her nodding his head and can't keep himself from laughing. The baby is darling. The father is so attentive and oozes love for his little girl. It was so heart warming that it took me awhile to realize that his intention was not for me to see it quite the way I was looking at it.
First of all, no one sent it to him. The thoughts in my head throughout this whole thing were being shot around like a pinball bouncing off one obstacle after another. WTF?
He was trying (I think) to show me how he saw me -- a baby jabbering, making no sense. I'm guessing what he was trying to say. I didn't ask because I was too befuddled to form a question, and that's when I realized how I've been feeling in this relationship. Pinged from one end of the earth to the next. Yes, I'm coming to Dallas. No, I'm not coming. Oops, I showed up anyway without telling you. Ping. Ping. Ping.
I'm discovering how difficult it is for me to be hit with all these different messages. It's unsettling. Why not just say what's on your mind? Don't make up stories. Don't show videos under false pretenses. Tell me, like you did, to stick with one subject, and then leave it at that. Tell me you got a link to a video that you thought illustrated how women talk and would I be interested in taking a look at something that was sweet, funny, and well yes, showed how women do talk without making much sense to men sometimes. I am aware of it, but please think about how you come across before acting upon something. Don't tell stories that are not true. You want to be a master? You want to be enlightened? You want to show how much growth you've had? Then be authentic.
Think before you say something. Think before you do something. And, please know that everything I say to you, I'm saying to myself. I do not like being lied to and having stories made up to screw with me. Do not tell me someone jumped you when they didn't just to see my reaction. I consider that not only unnecessary but mean. What purpose does that serve for you? What do you get out of that?
I'm learning what it is I really want in a relationship and here it is:
I want someone who would move mountains to be with me fully, someone who shows up ready to play full on, willing to explore me physically, emotionally, and spiritually and be that present for me to do the same with him.
Someone who is really available. Someone who opens up.
Someone who thinks of me often, and those thoughts make him smile.
Someone who considers what he can get me to show me that he is thinking of me and is aware of what I like.
Someone who listens because he's interested in what I have to say.
Someone who respects me, honors me, and loves me unconditionally.
I choose better for me. I choose wholeness and authenticity. I choose integrity from a man and in a man.
This is what I desire in a relationship with a man. This is what I desire to give back to a man. Everything I intend to receive from a man is what I choose freely to give to him. I've waited my whole life for this. I was born to love. I was born to open my heart and pour the love out. I was also born to have it reciprocated. That's the intention I breathe life into.
I intend a relationship with a man who can stand up fully and declare how he feels about me, not hide it. I intend a relationship with a man who can be so open and so caring, so compassionate without losing himself. A man that knows clearly who he is, relishes that, and acts easily upon that knowledge.
I desire a man who loves who he is so much that loves flows out of him so easily, a man who respects himself so much that he only gives the best of himself in every moment. And I know for a fact, I cannot have a man like that in my life until I become that myself. It begins with me. I am the one who needs to change. I am the one that needs to step up to the plate and demand more of myself, to be truly authentic and not play games. I am the pinball because I created that game for myself. I choose differently now. I choose the best of myself and for myself. I cannot ask something from another without being it first.