I just looked at the pictures and video that are on my camera to see what I wanted to post today. What I really want to post is a video that I took of Dan this morning, but I don't dare do it unless he okays it. Dan is dancing to the J. Geils Band while cooking breakfast. The reason that I videotaped his dancing today is that it just feels so good to see him back to himself. He's been soooo sick, and to see him dancing today was truly one of the greatest joys of my life.
What last week taught me while he was bed-ridden is just how much I'm capable of loving. Even though he was right there in bed with me, I missed him. I missed his joking and his laughing. When he'd experience a coughing jag that would bring tears to his eyes, I would cry. I massaged his back, laid my cold hands on his forehead, and rubbed his arms. I wanted to do everything I could to make it go away, but I couldn't.
The only thing this experience mimics is the helplessness I felt when my baby girl was sick with strep. I remember holding her and rocking her little body through the night while tears ran down my cheeks. It hurt to watch her and to feel her little body be so hot and listless.
I'm learning the art of detachment over and over. I can love deeply, more than I ever knew existed, and still feel helpless. I'm learning that sometimes there is nothing to do but to let go. There are times when there is nothing I can do. Nothing at all.
I've been living with Dan now for 111 days, and what I've discovered is that with each passing day I am clearly more in love with him. Even in the dreariest, sickest moments I wanted to be nowhere else but at his side. There are times that just looking at him breaks my heart open even more.
And with that being said, I just remembered a video that I want to include in this post. Baby, it's you and me together. We can do anything. Ah, how I love you...