Friday, March 7, 2014

relish happy

Guidance from Eileen Caddy

Enter Into The Secret Place of The Most High

There is so much going on in the outer that these times of withdrawal for you are most important, these times of entering into the ‘secret place of the Most High’. There in the peace and silence you can readjust your whole being, draw on the source of all power and so return refreshed and revitalised, ready to cope with all that lies ahead of you. Every soul needs these times of readjusting. Some realise it but others don’t and busy themselves in great activities, which exhaust them and they become like a rundown clock that needs rewinding. Unless they go into the silence for rewinding, they become ineffective and eventually stop ticking. That is why every now and again I have to remind you how vitally important these times of withdrawal are. The hours spent alone with Me are vital for the work you are doing for Me, are vital for your spiritual advancement. These times alone with Me mean more to you than anything. They are your meat and drink, they are the food of the Spirit which enables you to do what you know has to be done with courage and without hesitation.
7 March 2014
I just read the above paragraph right after making my coffee and bagel this morning, after settling down on the couch, after letting the dog out and then back in, and after questioning (as I too often do) what I'm doing with my life.
I have been a working maniac most of my life, if not all, until recently, and there are more than just a few moments that I find myself critical of my present inactivity. I'm in a place right now of re-inventing my life by re-directing my thoughts, and I am finding this not the easiest task I've ever encountered. 
I don't want to work just to keep busy and "feel" productive anymore. After three years of being a machine that rarely turned off, I find myself in a peculiar situation for me. Time stretching out before me, unraveling endlessly, and me sitting here at my laptop with a hot cup of coffee beside me wondering just what in the hell do I do with myself today?

My thoughts meander around all kinds of possibilities that create a bit of angst in my soul because I question how I ended up here, and more importantly why I ended up here. I question my own heart sometimes too. My intuition seems to have led me astray. Or, are all of these questions just unfocused meanderings in my head that serve absolutely no purpose but to help me feel my way back into the vibrations I enjoy dancing with?

I have always awakened with a full to-do list. Years have been spent with those to-do lists growing longer and never being completed. I don't make those lists anymore. I've turned off that machine. I'm learning to quiet my mind without activity. I'm learning what it means to just be still and find that happy place within. I'm not playing by the rules I was raised with anymore, and now I'm standing at a precipice wondering how I live in a world without the rules I had internalized years ago. 

A friend told me last night to focus on what I want, to write it down, proclaim it to the world, and let it go. Apparently right now is a major vortex of dreams coming true, or so I was told. The matrix is losing its dominance over those awakened, and now is the time of our lives to allow those dreams to be fulfilled.

Hm, the difficulty with that, declaring what I want, is that I don't have great clarity on what it is I really want besides living off-grid with an amazing garden, animals and like-minded souls. I have not discovered that here in upstate NY, and I want a longer growing season and milder temperatures than what's offered here. (Hm... sounding like I do know the basics of what I want.)

I have spent my life going after what I wanted with such a strong will that nothing was going to hold me back. I don't have that strong desire right now. I don't know where it went, but I got nothing right now. I have always known where I wanted to live, where I wanted to move to and how I wanted to be once I got there. Well, not now. I feel emptied out. It's been a time of seclusion without constant productivity. I was secluded for three years in my last relationship, but I was so damn busy that when I did stop to view my life, where I lived, how I lived, and what I was doing, I would get depressed. The solution? Stop being still. There was no time with my mind being emptied out. If my hands weren't busy, I was reading. I read everything in sight. I had four library cards, and almost all my outings consisted of collecting more and more books. Don't get me wrong. I am NOT complaining about my life at all. I am sifting through the memories to decide what I want to bring forward now. 

And what are those things I want to carry with me? The knowledge and skills I acquired. I was more creative in those three years than in all my years combined. I drew things. I've never drawn in my life, at least nothing I wanted to show anyone. My drawings were screen-printed onto t-shirts, and some of those shirts I made into dresses. 

I triumphed in my dress-making business. For the first time in my life I was making enough money doing what I loved to support myself. I was stretching my creative muscles beyond what I had ever done before. I filled notebooks with new designs, classes to teach,  and website updates. There were no moments of contemplation or meditation, no self-reflections, and now upon looking back, I see that I arranged my time like that because I didn't want to see where I had landed. Because when those moments would sneak up on me, those moments of quiet solitude where I had the chance to open my eyes to the environment in which I had placed myself, I became immeasurably depressed. I would sink into such a hole of blackness that I couldn't get myself out for days on end. I was willing to live a lifetime with those black days until I just couldn't do it anymore.

I went through an experience with my daughter last fall that brought me closer to her father and allowed such beautiful space for me to love him and his wife. I realized then with the four of us together what a family we had created. I knew then that my partner of three years was not part of that. He chose not to join me, and I was perfectly happy to not have him with me. I was able to view my life without him in it, and I could see intense love and gratitude with and for people I now had in my life. I saw that I was not alone. I realized that I could suffer great helplessness, despair, and fear and come out on the other side with an army of warriors beside me. That recognition deepened my love for all involved, and showed me not only how strong I am, but also how secure my footing is no matter what's going on around me.

Months later I propelled myself into a new environment, one more conducive to who I have become, a life of respite with a furry friend and like-minded housemate. I am breathing easier and more deeply for the first time since I've moved to New York. I have made the time for self-reflection, meditation, and indeed more creativity, and now I get to choose the next step. Ha! Something I thought I always wanted, and now it has come to pass. The difficulty for me is that all possibilities lay before me. Nothing is written in stone. I can go anywhere at this point in my life. For the first time I don't have an agenda, no one waiting for me, no desires that compel me. I have offers that I am weighing, and yet I am still just as undecided as before the offers came in. So, right now all I can do is be happy in each moment. That's my job right now. No matter what, sink into the now and relish the happy there.

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