Thursday, July 29, 2010

feels like home

I just finished doing an energy session, and the most prominent feeling I got throughout the whole session was for me to surrender, to just let go of everything. I feel like I've got that mastered until something else comes along in my life, and wham! I learn how badly I suck at surrendering.

I want to be this enlightened master, this totally detached observer of life. And I can do it for a while and then the human Jill kicks in and wants something. Right now I want to be with someone in Colorado. Last night I told him what I really wanted in a relationship. My first time ever to stand up to a man and say exactly what I wanted. It was huge for me. I had always settled before, but with him it feels like it's too important, too substantial to want anything less than the absolute best it can be between us. Yay, Jill! I stood up for myself, and he honored that. He listened. He told me how he felt. He told me everything he could. And again, it was the first time I had that experience from a man. He didn't run, and neither did I.

Then this morning I let him know how I was feeling him energetically, how I could feel this deep connection between our souls, our truest essences. I could feel it so intensely that I couldn't tell where he began and I ended. It was a swirling of the truest sense of oneness. It was so beautiful and calming and home. I knew that however our relationship turned out, I would be better because of it, and so would he. I felt warm and fuzzy and cozy and just so good all over.

And then the day wore on, and so did I. I haven't heard from him since 12:30 my time, and it's now almost 6:30. I think this is the longest stretch of time we've gone without communicating, and I'm not enjoying this so much. I am missing him terribly, and I hate that. Because you see, I do energy work. I've worked with shamans since 2006. I've done a lot of work on myself through workshops, books, seminars,etc. I know better, and it really just pisses me off sometimes when I just can't stay in that enlightened and lovely state. Well, fuck it! I'm human too. I have this human body that longs for being held by this man. I ache to hear from him. I imagine him in his home working on his computer, fixing his dinner, getting ready to go work out, sitting on his deck, and I long to join him.

So there, I've said it. I am enlightened. I am awake, and I've given up drinking the Kool-Aid, but every now and then I just want to be held and touched and loved on. Every now and then I miss hearing from him. And really does any of these desires make me any less enlightened? Or are they times that my human body just wants some attention? When I was in communication with him on a much more regular basis, it was fun. I smiled more, definitely laughed a lot, and so looked forward to flipping my phone open and seeing what he sent to me. It made my days and nights lighter and happier. I miss his texts, his sense of humor, and the smiles all of it brought to my face.

So, how did I do standing up for what I wanted? I'm glad I did. I altered the playing field quite a bit. I deserve to get what I want, but what I discovered today was that if I was going to ask him to do what I desired in a relationship, then I had to do the same. Not that he asked me to, but because when I change me, I change everything. I want the best in my life. I want the best for me, and what I've experienced with him so far has been the best I've ever had. I don't want it to end. I want it to be even better for both of us. Being in a relationship with him has upped my game. I want to be a better person because he's in my life. And what it means for me to have it all is to be able to love him completely without losing myself and to allow both of us the latitude to be who we truly are without judgments or attachment to outcomes.

I recognize in him a place that feels like home, a place that's comfortable and safe, and as I found out, a place where I can pee freely. I just think going 6 hours without any texts from him is just too long. Just sayin'...

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