almost ready

Tammy and I have just completed our first week in Taos even though we didn't move here until last Tuesday, we've been here longer. I have one thing to say about it. Oh sweet baby jesus, it was the hardest week of my life. Everything it seemed that could come up for me did. When I saw Tammy last night I told her I was ready to press the escape button. I was done with being here on planet earth. I'm not sure if I've ever felt that way before. Shit from lifetimes surfaced and reared their ugly heads before releasing, and then the next thing would come up, and the next thing. Ooooohhh, I was so ready to check out completely. I was so ready to be done with this thing called life on planet earth. I couldn't even escape it by closing my eyes and going to sleep because my dreams were vivid visions filled with movies of my lives and information coming through.


Enough! I told Tammy last night that I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted the visions to stop. I wanted all the information to come to a halt. I just wanted to lay my head on the pillow and close my eyes and have nothing flash before me. I wanted peace. I just wanted peace.

Today was a brand new day. I lived in peace today. I laughed easily today. Tammy and I talked about all the stuff that came up for me this past week, stuff I truly thought was long gone. Ha! Then I played a great trick on myself. I dated a chiropractor!! Smart move. Really smart move. Shit loads from my former chiropractor husband vommitted up. Oh man, did I work through some barrels of garbage from that relationship. And that was just one thing that came up for me last week.

Tammy told me that this week the great stuff will be coming through because we released the crap that doesn't work for us anymore. We've made room for the cool stuff now. Please, God, let her be right. I am so ready for a reprieve.

I've had several people tell me that the mountain in Taos will do one of two things to you. It will either embrace you or spit you out. Well, I think in my first week here I got embraced really tightly and maybe a little abrasively too, but I certainly don't feel like I've been spit out. I'm discovering the power of healing here. I live in one of the most amazing vortexes I've ever experienced. I know there will be more releasing, more vommitting up old crap, and plenty of experiences that will make me want to phone the mothership for quick pick up. However, if I'm not going to cleanse myself here and now, just when will I do it?

I made the intention of living my life in true authenticity. The universe is honoring that, and today I appreciate it. I've had fascinating experiences today that have helped me clarify what I want in my life even more, and I'm grateful. My chiropractor friend told me he wanted to do some "work" on himself and cool things between us. Aaaahhhhh... the relief that flooded me was palpable. I do not have the energy or the time right now to devote to a relationship with a man. I so want to focus on me and how best I can serve this community right now. I'm brand new today. I'm not grown up enough yet to be in a relationship with a lover. I want my freedom to go where I want without having to check with someone else. I want some more time on my own. I want to feel more sure-footed in my new skin. I've been through so much this past week that getting out of bed today was outstanding.

I want to try myself on for awhile. I want to walk around a bit in my new feet. I just want to smell the air with my new nose. I just want to be for awhile, and when that special someone shows up, then I'll be ready. I'm just not ready yet.

show up and shut up

This morning I had just sat down at the dining room table with my hot coffee and watched the balloons rise over the houses. I was minding my own business, enjoying a nice quiet morning to myself when all of a sudden I couldn't sit still any longer. There's a birthing center down the road from me, and I felt the need to get up immediately and talk to someone there about my past job experiences of running health care facilities.


So, without finishing my coffee, brushing my teeth or washing my face, I hoof it over to them, walk in, and spill my story. Now, I have to hand it to the three women who came out to the front desk to hear me. They didn't flinch when the woman sitting down looked up at me and said, "So are you wanting to be a receptionist?"

Without hesitation, I said of course. Now in all honesty, that was the furthest thing from my mind until that moment. She told me that she had taken another position and was not able to fill hers there at the center so she was going to be leaving them without someone at the front desk. She wanted to know how soon I would be able to start.

Let's get this straight. I moved to Taos on Tuesday because why? Well, because it felt right. I found a house to move into, and it just happens to be within walking distance of this business. The man I was dating while living in Santa Fe has close ties to the house I now live in and the birthing center. He also lives right down the street.

Upon coming to Taos I realized that everything I had ever asked for, desired, contemplated on, and wished for was swirled around in a pot of what? It felt as if everything I had ever wanted was a big conglomeration of whatever just showed up. This feeling released me from anything needing to be a certain way. I did not feel it necessary to show up as an energy therapist, as a girlfriend of this chiropractor's, or as a business associate of Tammy's. I just felt the need to show up and shut up, to be totally open to however anything unfolded. I see now how I could have never guessed any of this. I see now how something so much bigger than I could ever imagine is playing out, and any judgments I could possibly have on anything or anyone is so far out in left field that it's not even worth imagining. Nothing in my past is helpful at this point. I have no references for how to live like this. Everything is a possibility. Anyone could be in my life at this point. All labels must be thrown away. Everything begins anew right now.

While working on packaging Tammy's chocolate truffles in the kitchen, we both felt a presence. Then we felt a whole lot of presences. The house was full. The chills were running through both of us, and it felt very crowded all of a sudden. The information that was relayed was just wild, and while listening I was playing a movie in my head of everything I've ever gone through in my life that had led to this moment. I was flabbergasted at how every single thing, every word spoken, every person in my life played such a significant role to get me right here right now.

I am blown away by all of it. The significance I've placed on anything in my life seems so trivial and crazy right now. I think of the... oh, it just doesn't matter. None of it matters.

I am here right now, and it seems it's a place I've been waiting for all my life. I'm meeting people who've just arrived as I have, and it feels as if I've known them forever. I'm meeting soul sisters by the handfuls. We all have similar stories, lived in the same places, and are here together now.

There is something deep within that knows what's going on. There is a peaceful feeling to all of this. I know. I just know. I am here for something so much bigger than I could've even thought possible. So, I just do what I'm inclined to do. The nudgings aren't really nudgings anymore as much as they are shovings -- kicking my ass out the door. There's no second guessing, just a quiet knowing what to do next, and every time I meet someone new I see another piece to this puzzle fitting into place. Every day I wake up to a new me, a new experience of what I am to do, where I am to show up, and just how quickly I am to close my mouth.

Ah... show up and shut up. What a way to live.

chop wood, carry water

For the first time I'm alone in the house. There's embers glowing in the fireplace. The mobile on the front porch is still. Coffee's brewed, and a raven flew past the window. I hear the humming of the refrigerator and the keys on the computer, and that's it. Silence otherwise. I've been chatting with a friend of mine who's in Aspen til Friday. I just saw a video on Facebook of Jimmy Stewart reading a poem he wrote about his dog named Beau. Back in 1975 I went to visit Aspen and stayed with a college friend who had a dog named Beau. I still have a picture of Beau. Got to love that dog for the weekend, and have gotten to love his owner for years.


I went to Aspen for many reasons that weekend, one of them was to see John Denver. I did see him, and then in 2006 I met and worked with someone who had been a very good friend of his, and he was the one I had been chatting with this morning.

I've always had a love relationship with Aspen, and to be able to hear about the goings-on this morning was priceless. I could see the mountains, the snow, the highway down the Roaring Fork Valley, the brick pedestrian mall...

Aspen, my dream winter wonderland. I used to go there when I couldn't take my life anymore. I would drive to Aspen/Snowmass for a reprieve, and then be able to go back to what I left behind until I could go back no longer. I thought I'd move to Snowmass after living so long in Boulder county, but instead ended up in the northwest part of the state. Interestingly enough, I did end up going to Aspen several times to work with my employer. I met new people and fell in love with it all over again.

Will I be going back again? Who knows? I never thought I'd end up in New Mexico either.

I chop wood, carry water now. I just be. This is home for now. This feels right, right now. The ability to chop wood and carry water is exhilarating really. It moves me, literally. I move, and I accept whatever's on my plate at the moment. I am so grateful for whatever shows up because whatever it is, I know it is more than I could've imagined.

back in the Rockies again

Alice

I'm watching the porch mobile outside the kitchen window swing in the breeze. Around and around and around. Right underneath it are two mountain peaks still dusted with gold aspens. If I turn to my right and look out that window I see more peaks, more gold leaves, sagebrush and adobe buildings. The landscaping around this house we're staying in has the most diverse flowers, trees, and bushes I've seen in a long time. I don't know what all of them are, but every time I look outside they seem to be talking to me, telling me to make them into something. The dried flowers turn into heads, twigs into legs, sage into skirts. I can't help myself. I went out and bought glue just so I could make them come to life.

close up of Alice's glam

I've posted a couple of shots of Alice so far. I don't think she's dolled up enough, but it's a start. Alice can't keep herself from dancing. She reminds me of Tammy in the grocery store with her earbuds in. Her body is jiving to tunes no one else hears, but she's having a great time. And now that's Alice. Even though she's lying on top of a box with the other creatures I've been working on, she can't stop moving. I find dustings of sage and yarrow on the floor, and I know it's from her inability to keep still.

All the bushes and flowers outside are swinging and swaying. The wind chimes are whipping around. There's movement everywhere around me, and I'm alone in the house, but the last thing I feel is alone. I feel warmth and excitement and sizzling energy. Something's cooking over here, and I feel it. The mobile outside the window twists and turns. The chimes swing back and forth under the porch. There's sparks in the air from so much movement. I sit at my laptop feeling the surges of whatever this is going on around me. I anticipate something without knowing what it is. It's like Christmas morning as a kid when you know, you absolutely know that there's so much waiting for you under the tree. You've been eyeballing those packages for days. You've been shaking them, feeling them, and sliding the tape just a little to get an inside peek at the lettering on the boxes, and now... Yes, right now the only thing that's keeping you from finding out what's in those boxes is the length of time it takes for you to get from where you are to where they are. The anticipation is mounting. Your heart beat s faster. Your imagination goes wild with pictures of every single thing you've ever asked for, until boom! You're under the tree grabbing the first package you can, ripping open the paper without even looking at it until you see the box, until you can open that sucker with wild abandonment and peer inside. The happiness, the joy, the thrill is enough to make you explode. You got just what you wanted...

That's how I feel right now. There's something in the air that thrills me with such great anticipation that I think I'm going to explode with excitement, and I don't even know what it is. But I feel it. I taste it. I smell it. Something's on the verge of popping into our lives with such great joy. We'll finally be able to open that package, and realize what's inside. I'll guarantee you one thing, it'll be better than we could ever

the icing on my cake

My first full day in Taos was today. I worked at a store that now has my artwork hanging, and then I volunteered with Tammy handing out Free Trade literature and chocolates at a Halloween event. First day in town and on my feet all day, meeting new people and spending time with friends. And speaking of friends, we stopped by a store owned by someone we recently met in town and looked at all that she's selling. Not only that, she had quite a bit of her own artwork for sale. The once Ms. Corporate America chucked it all for a life doing what she loves. The same goes for the two people who also have products in the store where I worked this morning. The women on either side of this store do the same. I am here in Taos surrounded by artists.


Finally, Tammy and I made our way over to a coffee shop where we talked to the barista, who we'd met before and knew him to be a massage therapist. Well, today we found out in between cups of coffee that he also carves beautiful figures out of stone. Then he introduces us to the man sitting to my right, who happened to also be a stone carver. Then, in walked a man who supplies them with a lot of their stone. Again, here I was surrounded by artists. The stone collector said he'd never had a job in his life. He only did what he loved.

I've never been in a community of people before that followed their dreams so religiously. This is common practice here. The desire for material things doesn't exist with these people. Simplicity and joy in what they're doing is everything. A good day starts sitting at the coffee shop first thing in the morning philosophising and slowing down. We were asked to join them in the morning because "women were needed -- too many men."

These are people who have few time constraints, a whole lot of dreaming going on, and excited creativity brewing. Wow! I found home.

Another thing I find fascinating is that none of these people drink. They don't hang out in bars. Instead they're in coffee shops, their stores, or their studios. I'm rather taken with this whole concept. They absolutely love what they do with their time. They're happy and open with others. I can't tell you how many people I now call my friends here in Taos, and last night was my first night to spend here.

We're staying in a beautiful home, luxurious in fact. The man who owns it is out of town. He left his key with the person I worked with today, and he met Tammy and I just last Wednesday. We spent maybe a couple of hours together and then he offered us his house. Welcome home, Jill and Tammy. Welcome home indeed.

And then there's the men we've met. I met my guy about a month ago, and now he lives down the street from me here in Taos. Honest to God, the nicest man I've ever met. I didn't think much of a sustainable relationship with him, because it hasn't felt like anything I've ever had before -- no fireworks, no craziness, no longing, no needing anything from each other. Just this amazing comfortable, lovely feeling when I'm with him or when I think about him. We went out last night. We christened my new place, and this morning while I was working, he came to see me. I just looked up from the front desk and saw him walk through the door. I didn't know I could smile so broadly. I also had this little blip that flashed through my head -- I saw us doing this years down the road. Nice...

Now, Tammy and I are looking at opening a storefront of our own while still having my artwork in two different stores right now, and running businesses on the internet. We're also writing articles, putting together book material, and creating product line for the new store.

A lot has happened since I first met Tammy last June. We are not the same people, not even close. We're much calmer, more sure of what we want, and determined to get it, no matter what. And magically, the people and circumstances keep appearing. Over and over and over. Yes, we get discouraged. Yes, we get overwhelmed. And, yes, many times we've thought of throwing in the towel and just getting jobs. Then we moved to Taos and were met by so many people who have done exactly what it is we set out to do. Their joy is palpable. Their lives are simple and fun and full of friends. Sitting with them this evening made me more sure that this is what I want, this is where I want to do it, and to have Tammy and my guy with me is truly the best icing on this girl's cake!

in gratitude for you

I don't awake a new person each morning as much as shedding the old and worn out and becoming more of who I really am. Every day I feel closer to the magnificence within. It's as if I shed layers of clothing that are now too big and bulky and the next layer of clothes shines through.


I feel myself propelling forward so quickly that I'm no longer able to speak the same language. I hear others' words that I used to understand, and now they are just words. I am the dreamer in my dream. I get to play with the words, the sounds, the images around me and put them where I will. I open my heart and feel the pull towards me, like a strong magnet of mammoth proportions, exactly what I want. When I say "exactly" I mean exactly what my intention is, not necessarily what I "see" in my mind's eye. What shows up is far beyond what I could've seen. It's larger than my imagination allows.

I feel as if I can whisk my way through this dream, and dream it the way I desire. I can paint it with the finest of oils. I can play the most melodious and brilliant tunes to create an album worth listening to and be able to watch the notes turn into my highest possibilities. I am the maestro of my own orchestra, and the symphony is glorious.

I painted the sky this morning with the most sensual shade of cerulean. I threaded the clouds with the creamiest texture of whiteness. This is my universe. This is my creation this morning. I sink into this knowingness and become peace. In this place of calm I feel the rest of my canvas being filled with those things, people, and situations that are best for me. I feel their pull as if they've been waiting eons for me to realize this magic within me and become the magnet to draw them in. I see the faces of those waiting for me. "We don't care what took you so long. We're just so happy you're finally here," they seem to tell me. I don't have to ask who they are because I feel their hearts and know them well.

Every day there's less need for me to speak. My words are more potent in silence. My words limit what my energy reveals. This energy draws me toward people who are being drawn to me. Without saying much we know we are here to play in this world together now. We can look in the eyes and know. We can feel with our hearts and know. We know we are here for each other, with each other, and because of each other. It's a glorious movie to watch. The twists and turns become fluid and sweet and calming. The knowledge that everything is as it should be allows me the ability to feel my way forward. I trust implicitly. I love unconditionally, and the colors I see with my vision make up the most brilliant souls who have come to play with me. I am in awe, and I am in so much love.

I can look back on my life, and without recognizing the part played by me, I can see how every person, every situation helped transform me into who I am today. The vastness of experiences in the last 4 years have been the most exponential changes I've ever gone through. I am so grateful to every single person who has joined me on this journey. I am grateful to every word they spoke to me and every action they took whether I felt the love in it then or not. It is because of those feelings that arose in me during all the parts played in my life that I have finally arrived here at this moment.

And, in this moment I am more than I've ever shown myself to be in any lifetime. I know who I am right now. I know with such clarity that it humbles me to be me. I bow my head in such gratitude for the love I live in, for the love that I am. Thank you to every single being who has played with me, and especially to the ones that are showing up now. I wrap myself in your divinity and we live in the oneness that is. Thank you so much.

emerging

I awoke this morning in the midst of one of the most extraordinary dreams of my life, and it involved a mammoth butterfly. I saw it as separate from me, and also saw it as me. I ventured upon a site just now that gave me some insight into the symbolism.

It’s connection with the soul is rather fitting. We are all on a long journey of the soul. On this journey we encounter endless turns, shifts, and conditions that cause us to morph into ever-finer beings. At our soul-journey’s end we are inevitably changed – not at all the same as when we started on the path.


To take this analogy a step further, we can look again to the grace and eloquence of the butterfly and realize that our journey is our only guarantee. Our responsibility to make our way in faith, accept the change that comes, and emerge from our transitions as brilliantly as the butterfly.

Avia Venefica, the author of this site also talks about how the butterfly's metamorphosis is only one month long, and if we humans changed that drastically in one month where we are no longer recognizable to what we once were, what an amazing transition. Yet, this is just what I feel I've gone through. Yeah, there's still some remnants of the old Jill hanging around, but mostly it's this new being that I don't even recognize. I asked for this, I tell myself daily. I asked for this. I wanted to show up in this world as I really am, so here it is. My only responsibility is to make my way in faith, accept the change that comes, and emerge from my transitions as brilliantly as the butterfly.

Well now, Avia sure wrote those words simply and beautifuly enough, and now to live it. Now to live in total faith without questioning, without the mental chatter, to be able to awake in the morning with total peace knowing that whatever happens is exactly as it should be without any of the fretting and stress.

Acceptance and emergence... hm, I watched that butterfly in my dreams fly effortlessly, landing on tree limbs and watching me. And then I became the butterfly that was able to fly just as effortlessly. It was as if my vision shifted from the spectator to the participant. Just like that. Poof! I went from the one watching the transformation to the one being transformed. I emerged as the butterfly, and was tethered to nothing. I flew freely with no cares in the world. Acceptance and emergence...

What if that's all there is to do? Become the butterfly? Transform from the observer to the participant and back to the observer whenever I want? What if that's the only transition there really is? Being able to watch myself in a movie and then being able to play that actor, and then presto! back to the viewer...

When I was going through past-life regression sessions, and it would get too difficult for me to be in those past lives, my shaman would whisk me into the watching of the movie instead of being in the movie. I was able to see what happened to me without any emotion. I was able to see what had happened and learn from it instead of getting caught up in it. It had no charge for me. It just was an incident, and I could look at it. I could study it as I would have a history book for an exam. What did I learn from this? Who was the one speaking? Where was this taking me? All these questions could be answered easily without any triggers to my emotions. I was calm as I watched myself being murdered because I was not dying. I learned I couldn't die. I was transformed. I could fly above it all and watch the men sweating while they chopped at me with their weapons. I could only laugh. I was fine. I had no pain. They were the ones struggling. They were the ones in pain. They were the ones who were blinded by their beliefs. I flew above them and laughed at their silliness.

I feel I've been led to believe so much in this life that is false. It seems to me that just about everything has been an illusion. Every day more and more gets stripped, and what is real is exposed. As Tom Crum taught me, I'm dancing on shifting carpet. What is real? What is really behind that curtain?

It seems senseless to me to get caught up in anything right now. What other people think, what they want from me... it's all just noise in my head. I obliterate it and emerge.