Breaking open my heart -- again

I looked at pictures of Aspen and John Denver today and cried. When I was fourteen years old I knew I wanted to be in Colorado and meet John Denver. My dream of moving to Colorado occurred three years later. I saw John quite a few times, spoke with him once, and last September worked with a dear friend of his and co-founder of the Windstar Foundation, Tom Crum. It was easy to fall in love with Tom, his wife, and his daughter, not to mention all those on his team.

Two years ago I moved to Steamboat Springs, Colorado and one of the very first people I met, if not the first one, was a shaman who worked on me and then I worked with him. It was months into our relationship that I found out that he and John had been really good friends. He had pictures of John. We even worked in Aspen together in 2008 and met many of John's friends. It was great hearing all the stories about him. People who knew him really loved him. And, of course, being with Tom Crum for five days last September was really a John Denver lovefest, among many other things.

I moved back to Texas last November after living in Colorado for 34 years. Looking at those pictures of Aspen broke open my heart. I remembered...I remembered how I fell in love with it as a young teenager and later as a woman just a few short years ago. I remembered walking the pedestrian mall, having lunch at Little Annie's with my shaman and talking over our day. I remember kissing under the street light with a lover, having a secret liaison in his condo, talking with the director at the Aspen Athletic Club to get my shaman into their facilities, setting up a TV shoot, and riding in a client's Porsche. I remember watching the lunar eclipse downtown with him and another client, freezing but not daring to leave. I remember the Aspen airport, removing chocks from the wheels of an airplane, wrapping up the bungee cords that tied the cloth around the wings and tail to keep ice from accumulating on them, and climbing up on the wing and sliding into the cockpit before takeoff. I remember the feel of the wheels on the runway as my lover pushed in the throttle. When he pulled back the yoke and raised the landing gear, we flew over the single-engines and the jets, and to this day it's still one of the most amazing memories of my life.

Aspen is my place of many secrets. My secret love life, my secrets with my shaman, my secret longings, my secret life with John Denver that very few know. It all has to be that way. Those experiences are too magical to put into words. It's all secret. And it's all so beautiful.

So, today I cried for Aspen. I longed for Aspen. I long for Aspen. Again. Will it ever stop? Maybe it's not supposed to.

It was an experience over Aspen that changed my life forever in 2004. It was John Denver that got me there and a friend's belief in me that took me to new heights. It was a starting point that led to another leap, leaving everything familiar and moving to the mountains.

It has always been Aspen that has moved me. It has always been John Denver that touched me. And today seeing pictures of both broke open my heart because it was too full to stay in one piece.

leap and the net will appear -- but where's a great massage therapist?

Oh no, another type/delete day. I prefer the ones where I sit before my laptop and move forward without a thought about anything I'm doing. I love being able to go wherever that place is when I write from the heart. My mind shuts off and my fingers fly on the keypad. I love those times. I feel so refreshed and energized afterwards. I feel invincible. There's just nothing I can't do, baby.

I've rearranged the space today, making room for my daughter's and my computers and printers. This is our command center. This is where the billions are made. This is where the action happens, the ideas flow, and excitement grows. Yes! I say YES! What else is there to say? If you're not saying yes, then what are you doing?

What can I do today that would scare me?

I didn't always ask myself that. As a matter of fact, I did everything possible to keep from being scared. It was a mission. When I'd lay my head on my pillow at night, I'd check off the family members and pets who were also calling it a night. Once everyone was accounted for, I would say a prayer of thanks and then beg for another day of the same for tomorrow. Yikes! What an awful way to live. I was always on the lookout for catastrophe. What a bill of goods I sold myself for years.

Then I learned to leap. I found that flying through midair without knowing what was below is the most amazing place to be. I've also discovered that a net always appears. It's a beautiful thing.

I've also rearranged myself -- again. I've put some of my things on etsy.com. My site is called jillluigs.etsy.com. I've only put a few things there so far. I have sooo many things yet to list. I'm going through boxes and boxes of things I've carried around and am now willing to put out there for sale, some for the first time, some for lower prices. I'm cleaning out to make room for the new in my life. Thank God for etsy.com!

Of course, this means actually going through boxes, locating things I've made, taking pictures, writing descriptions, uploading pictures, setting prices, and redoing my site. When I had this great idea, I thought it'd be a piece of cake. Somehow today my upper back is so sore like I've been through a major battle or something, and all I've uploaded so far are five things. I have so much more to do. It means going through a lot of boxes too. Did I mention that already? Since I've moved in with my daughter 5 months ago, I have revamped, re-situated, revised myself and my things so many times. And here I go again. Those who knew me in Steamboat thought I went through many changes then. Oh, you ought to see me now. Every day is a new Jill. I wake up surprised I still answer to the same name.

This afternoon has been spent in the command center, typing, scouring the internet, learning new marketing skills, befriending new people, answering emails, writing articles for ezinearticles.com, blogging, and stretching my shoulders. Where's a good massage therapist when I need one? I would pay one million dollars for the massage of my life right now. And when you make billions, what's a million?

Sleepless on Saturday Night

I'm watching Sleepless in Seattle for the umpteenth time, so why don't I recall the beginning of it? I didn't know Tom Hanks' character moved to Seattle from Chicago. When did that happen? Now, I watch the Christmas dinner with Meg Ryan's family, and I wonder what in the world were they thinking to have family celebrations? And what's up with Walter's allergies? Notice how bad his symptoms get when Meg announces their engagement? Is that just a huge sign that's being ignored? Wait, Annie, (Meg's character) stop! What are you thinking? Run, Annie, run!

And then there's Walter's name. I'm trying to imagine what it must sound like in bed. "Walter, Walter..." There's just no way to make that sound worth saying.

But then, there's Sam, Tom Hanks' character, who says about his deceased wife: "She made everything beautiful." And then I think that maybe the marriage thing doesn't have to be overlooked, that maybe it could work with the right people. What would that be like? I don't have any references of a great marriage. I'm racking my brain here. Who do I know that is in a marriage that I would desire? I'm telling you, I can't think of anyone. (If you only knew how long I waited to type this sentence while pondering that question.) In my head I'm going through the list of married couples I know, and I cannot think of one that would make me think twice about marrying again.

And then Sam stands out on his deck looking at fireworks across the water as Nat King Cole sings and he thinks of his wife. I know that love is worth it. Love is worth the sadness and the desire for it. Love is worth it because it just is. It's worth the longing when you know it's coming.

I know it's coming. I felt it today. I was in Dallas with my best friend from high school, and we were walking down Knox Street going into Pottery Barn, and I felt the man behind me. I felt him watch me as I opened the door and went in. Sometimes I just know because I feel it. There's no physical evidence, but there's a knowingness that comes through clearly. It's such a clarity, an absolute vision that erases all doubt.

I know him. I feel him. He's here, and to think otherwise is ludicrous.

That's how sure I am.

In Modern Magick a couple of weeks ago James Arthur Ray talked to us about all that happens in the universe happens now. How we live in vertical time, how all our choices are made simultaneously. So, in 1978 one Jill walked down the aisle while at the same time another Jill chose differently, and that time is now. Hm??? Well, that's a concept that could just drive me to drink if only I wanted to get up. Now, that's a reason to have a husband around -- all I'd have to say is, "Honey, could you pour me a drink?" And of course, he'd take it to mean that it was time to get laid. And maybe he'd be right.

"The first time I saw her. I knew it. It was like coming home, but a home I'd never known before."

And then I hear Sam say these words about his wife, and I wonder, no, I long for, that kind of love. How would it feel to have a man feel that way about me? Then there was Mathew Perry's character in that movie with Selma Hajek -- Fools Rush In. He stops her from driving away by saying something to the same effect, and they run off and marry. How crazy can we possibly get about this thing called love?

It's midnight on a Saturday night and my daughter just called to let me know that she didn't win her latest match but the good news is that she lasted a minute longer than the first one and she's not nearly as beat up as she was the last time. She said that now I could breathe easier and sleep well.

That's when I realized how long I had been holding my breath. That's when I knew why I was still up writing away on my blog. Once I heard her voice, once she told me she was okay, and I knew it to be true, then I exhaled, then I knew it was okay to fall asleep, then I knew how much my heart aches at the thought of her getting hurt, then I remembered how much I love someone right now, how my whole being swells with gratitude that she is my daughter even though she chooses to be involved in mixed martial arts. She has taught me the true meaning of love. She has been my reason for waking in the mornings since her birth on October 26, 1980. She is the reason I came here, not to TX, well that too, but to this planet during this lifetime. She has taught me unconditional love. And love at first sight. The moment I looked at her, I fell in love. I had no idea that love could be that full, that all-encompassing, that real, that majestic. I didn't know it could be everything. I looked at that baby in my arms and I knew more than I've ever known anything before or since, that I could move mountains, that I could lift buildings, that I could do anything I needed to keep her safe, healthy, and alive, and I would without a moment's hesitation.

And then she chooses to fight. In a ring. In another state. And there's nothing I can do about it. When she comes home bruised with black eyes and broken blood vessels in her eyes, I can fix her breakfast in the mornings. I can wash her clothes, and feed her dog. I do that with my mouth shut, only to let it out at the dinner table with one of her male friends. With tears running down my face, I tell them both that it hurts to see the bruises, the red eye, the lacerations on her knuckles, but what else can I do?

She cries and wonders how she could possibly fight now knowing how I feel.

I tell her that she is to never -- I mean never -- change who she is to accommodate another person. Ever. No matter who that person is or what they want.

So, she goes off to fight in a ring, and I let those anguishing moments flow through me because I won't hold onto them. Instead, they surface. I feel my heart hurt, maybe tears spring to my eyes if I think about what she's doing, and then I breathe deeply knowing that love is all I can give her at those moments, and that is enough. It's all there is.

A day well spent

I know I've already written a post today, but something, actually two things, happened today that I have to write about.

First, I uploaded my latest corrected version of my manuscript, Healing Grace, to the publisher. I just finished reading Jason Mraz's blog about procrastination, so let me be the first to confess that I've had this manuscript from the editors for 13 months and finally got it back to the publisher. Okay, I've moved, changed jobs, careers, lives, hair color, etc. since then, so I wasn't just sitting around reading Jason's blogs. I've been busy.

Now, to tell you how this novel even came to be is quite another story. On my 40th birthday, over 12 years ago, my best friend from high school, Terry Tucker McBeth, sent me a card asking when my novel would be written so she could make a fortune on all the letters I'd sent her over the years. She wanted to retire early. Because of that, I wrote every night after work and sent her a chapter a week to keep me accountable. I joined a writer's group in Denver and worked on the rewrites and editing for the next few years. Then I decided to build a house, end my marriage, and take up flying lessons, so the manuscript again and again and again got put on the back burner.

After 12 years (and 7 months, I have to add) I have finally sent in my second-to-last edit. They'll make the corrections, and then send the final copy to me. If no more corrections are needed after that next read-through, then the book goes directly to publication. Did I say it has been a 12-year-and-7-month process?

Here's the thing: I wrote the book first, and it became my life. When people have read the manuscript, they've told me that it's autobiographical. Well...I wrote it all before it happened in my life, so is that still autobiographical? It's a sure way of understanding the power of words. I created my life from the words I used years ago to describe a life on pages. I hope you get it, because I'm shaking the cobwebs loose in my brain.

So, I'm in the home stretch. Really if I keep the momentum going, it could be back in the publisher's hands within a couple of weeks, and the next time I see it, it'll be in book form. Ta-da! This is what I write now, so that it will come true. (And this is the story I'm telling myself.)

And then the other momentous, spectacular thing I did for myself today is getting TX license plates on my CO car. Let me explain why that's so momentous and spectacular. It was the last thing I held jointly with an ex, and now it's in my name only, as it should be since I'm the one paying for it.

So, today I put an end to the last thing in my life that had an ex's name on it, and got one step closer to fulfilling my lifelong dream of having a novel published.

Whew! I'm going to bed now. A day well spent...

Follow the yellow brick road...

Yesterday I got an interesting phone call from a very dear friend who's doing the critical six along with me. He brought up something that I feel is very prevalent, but not really talked about because I think we just don't admit it. Doing the critical six was something he put off doing because he gets what he wants so quickly that it scares him! I loved hearing him say it. He talked about how he could visualize something and within a very short time it would come to pass. Guess what? This is how it works when you're in alignment with your source. OMG! How cool was this discovery. I loved our conversation. I loved hearing him be so honest. I loved that a man could open his heart and speak his truth without hesitation. You did it, my friend, and once you observe it, you're not it. (As James would say)

Yes, he admitted to being afraid of how powerful he really is, and isn't that the truth about most of us? If we were to really dig deep and admit our own truth, this would be the conclusion of why we're not reaching our goals. It's not because we're afraid of failure. We're afraid of success. When we reach for who we know we really are, then we have to step up to the plate to be it. It takes courage to be that person. As James Ray told us over and over a couple of weeks ago, "Change is hard. Not changing is harder."

What scares you the most?

When you sit down and really look inside yourself for what you want in this life, it's the realization of who you must become to have what you want that is the most scary. It's not about having any of those things (the house, the car, the mate, etc.), if you were to be really honest with yourself. Having things does not bring you happiness. I know. I built the dream home I was planning on living in the rest of my life. I was married to someone I intended to be with until death us do part. Not once did I look at who I had to be to have those things in my life, but what I discovered was that living in that dream home with that husband was the quickest way for me to shrivel up and die because who I had become to HAVE those things destroyed who I really was.

So now, I look at who I want to become first and foremost, and then what kind of playground and playmates I'd like to put in my world. It's interesting because I'm finding that the more I reach inside me and discover who I am, the less people I have around me. I feel the vibration I choose to radiate from is not in resonance with the majority of people. I've discovered how lonely this path can be. It still hasn't stopped me. I choose me first. I choose to dig deep, to excavate who lies within and project out what I uncover. I know those that do resonate with what I find on this dig will show up eventually.

I've been meeting some along this trip. I've met them at the James Ray events I've attended. As James says about coming to his events: "What else are you going to do?"

As I sit alone, journal alone, communicate with my James Ray family all over the country, I know that his question rings true for me. This is a path that leads to Oz, the Emerald City, and this time there is no man behind the curtain because there is no curtain. It's disappearing and the illusion falls away.

All there is is love.

All there is is safety.

We are always and only provided for at all times. Anything else is a myth we were trained to believe.

Just follow the yellow brick road. It leads to the Oz of your dreams.

Critical Six

It's not the name of an action movie; it's something to do every day to change your life forever. Never heard of it? It's been around for most of last century if not before. Napolean Hill talks about it in Think and Grow Rich.

James Arthur Ray espouses it in his teachings. As a matter of fact, he makes it homework for those of us who participate in his events. And last night one of my groups from James' events set us up to begin doing it again. It's now 3:18 in the afternoon and I haven't gotten myself away from the computer and am almost done with the Critical Six.

This is part of my new programming. This is my new way of life. This is what I do to achieve more because I deserve more. I deserve only the finest life has to offer, and the only way to bring it to me is to be the finest life has to offer. It's the Law of Attraction. Be what you want to have. Match the vibration. Resonate with what you want. Feel it, breathe it, be it. Ah...the finest.

James Arthur Ray says," Don't ask for an easier life. Wish to be at your finest."

I told a friend on Sunday morning that what he had to offer me was not enough. I've never turned down something as wonderful as that. I did this time because I want more for myself. I want the best. I told him that I intended to be with one man, and that one man would be a master in life, one who knew who he really is and lived it. One who would show up at my door and take me to a private jet for a quick trip to an island oasis for a week of massages by the ocean.

This friend of mine didn't know what a master was. That baffled me because he's been to more James Ray events than me, and the one thing I've learned from James is what a master is. James teaches that from the stage because James is it. James knows who he is and why he's here. James knows his purpose and lives it with passion. That's a master, someone who makes no excuses for anything he does and pursues it with elegance. It's someone who listens without pushing, someone who makes people feel better about themselves for having been around them. A master does not proselytize, preach, or convince. A master is. A master walks in the room, and the energy shifts to a higher vibration. Those in resonance with it, recognize it. Those who are not, may never feel the difference.

There are now words...

At the James Ray event in CA last week, James talked about how we see only 5%. The other 95% is dark matter, according to the Big Bang Theory in Quantum physics. And what we can see is connected by all this dark matter, so there is nothing we are not connected to. Whatever we put our attention on, is what we create. So one of my friends from last week and I did an experiment last night. We had energetic sex. Is that what you call it? Personally, I'm not sure there are words to describe it. This I know for sure: I had an amazing time, a sumptuous orgasm, and swam in the heavens. And he was in another state (geographically speaking).

Think about it. If there is nothing we're not connected to, then we're already connected to everything we want. There is no need for wanting. What if we can consciously connect to this energy on a regular basis and feel all of our heart's desires? What if we do this all the time? For one thing, we'd see the world without competition. There would be no need for greed or lack. We already have it all, and there's enough for everyone at all times. There's no need to miss someone -- they are with you. Do you get that?

James talked about another concept -- vertical time. Everything happens in the now. There's only now. So, all you've ever wanted to do or wished you hadn't done is happening now. It's all now. It's only now. See if you can wrap your head around that one. There are many universes. You put your attention on one of them and that's the one you get to play in for the moment. You don't like the one you've chosen? Then change your focus. Don't get caught up in what appears to be happening. Pay attention to only that which you want. It's a beautiful concept, but so many of us get tripped up on it. (I'm speaking from my own experience.)

So, I have this conversation with my friend who lives in another state. We tell each other how we would like to be together physically, but until we are, what would it be like to be together at the same time energetically, and do it on a conscious level?

We chose 11:00 at night, just a few minutes after our conversation. I needed to finish up some last minute work items, but suddenly noticed that I couldn't concentrate on them. My computer shut down and my head felt light. When I laid down washes of energy floated above me and then into my whole body. They danced with my own energy field and it was ecstatic.

What else can be done with this energy field? The possibilities are limitless. What does this mean for how we see our worlds? And how we live in them? There are no words...

New best friends

My new best friends are snakes, being uncomfortable, letting go, dancing blindfolded, dreaming, questioning, paying attention rather than paying in pain, and all those magicians at Modern Magick in CA last week. First, can I say if you have not had a James Arthur Ray experience, what are you waiting for?

I have spent a life of working hard at something that drained me. With James I learned how to experience more in 5 days than I feel I have in a lifetime. Here are some highlights:

breathwork to tribal drumming and psychedelic lights flashing for over 2 hours
silence for 12 hours
5 Stations exercise (too complicated to go into here, but well worth the experience)
dancing to tribal drumming with a blindfold on for over an hour
drinking kava and chanting in Hawaiian for over two hours
and last but certainly not least -- sticking my hand in a tank full of snakes to get a key -- I thought that was so well worth it I did it twice

This was 5 days of such an altered state that by the last day sticking my hand in a tank of snakes was a piece of cake. Not everyone felt that way, but luckily I did. It made the fishing for the key just another trip with James. Holy cow, what will we do in June?

Coming back home has been a totally different experience however. I've started working a new business and it's been difficult wrapping my head around some of the concepts. It's done on the internet and being not so computer savvy has not helped much either. Sitting at my laptop today with someone explaining concepts to me was like listening to a radio station that only verbalized in Latin. I never took that language in school.

I wear my keys I got from the snake pit around my neck. I fondle them every now and then. It reminds me of how amazing my experience was. The keys are my warrior symbol. Every challenge James put before us, I did. Sometimes there was hesitation and apprehension, but I did them all anyway. What I learned was that the most painful part of any of it was the moments when I resisted doing any of his challenges, and as soon as I just let go of everything -- every thought, every fear, just everything, the pain disappeared and the challenge became fluid and soft. I danced blindfolded with the beat of the drum. I listened with my heart and felt my way through the crowd. I took my mind out of it and flowed. Once I discovered the fluidity, I let go of the rigidity. It was easy once I let go. Ah, but it was getting to the letting go part that was my biggest stumbling block. James put us through the paces so that we got to experience that fear over and over and over.

There is nothing -- no thing -- that's worth any drama. Nothing is worth expending that kind of energy on something as trivial as ANYTHING. When you know, I mean truly know beyond a shadow of doubt that you are always taken care of, that you have everything you need at all times, what exactly is there to be hyped up about? What?

When you know who you really are, then nothing is worth anything less than pure joy. Because you know what? It's all good. Always.

Just breathing

I have written and deleted so many words already. Type, delete, type, delete. This is how I've been spending my energy now.

I'm exhausted. I'd love to just go to bed. Dare I say, I'd love to veg on the couch and watch TV? It's been an amazingly fulfilling week. One beyond compare. The emotional highs have really tired me now. I feel like just sitting and meditating, listening for the next hot idea. There have been so many. I feel I'm getting a breather for the next round of excitement, my week with James. Ah...James Arthur Ray. For those who haven't heard of him, I don't know what to say. For those who do know him, there are no words necessary to say.

At the moment I'm just breathing. It feels like it's all I can do.

There are many things I have learned in this amazing adventure called life, and the one that keeps occurring to me is to just show up and shut up. No matter what, it always works out better than I could ever imagine.

I'm also learning -- again -- that I'm still not thinking big enough. Hm...is this a life-long lesson? God, I hope not.

And if it is? So be it.

I made the very distinct and absolute intention of going to every James Arthur Ray event this year. The investment in such an adventure is up there a bit, and I had no idea how that was to be accomplished. Oh well, not my job. James taught me to focus on the reasons I want what I want and not on how to make it happen. So, I did, and lo and behold, the universe provided me with great opportunities to make sure I was accurate in my desires. A well-meaning friend did her damndest to shit all over my lovely parade, credit card companies canceled my cards, work dried up --- blah, blah, bah...

In the past I might've decided to squelch my desires, but not this time, baby. I stood up and yelled and screamed at the top of my lungs that I AM going to every James Arthur Ray event this year with all meals, lodging, and airfare paid for easily and effortlessly. Period. No holds barred. If I'm going to be a team player in this game of life then I'm going to play full-on.

And then the universe stepped up to the plate. Within 24 hours, I might add. James says the Universe likes speed. Well, I've been on the fastest ride of my life since. I have been given the keys to the kingdom, my kingdom anyway. I spent the day with a brand new friend who became family immediately. She's an investor in a brand new internet company that is rocking the world. I joined her. I also "found" everything I need to grow my own clothing business without me having to do all the work. I discovered how to streamline the manufacturing of it so easily and with LESS expense than what I was doing before, and a new market for my product slammed into my front door. Well, of course, I had to let them in and say, "YES!"

Sweet mother of god, just writing about it this morning takes my breath away.

And my wonderful James Ray has provided me with so many people and tools to guide me that the only way I can fail is if I don't attend his events, if I don't listen to his words and put them into practice. Setting my sites on what I want is truly the greatest gift I can ever give myself. James has just offered me his hand to walk through this process with him. Is it easy? Absolutely not. He says the greatest competition we'll ever have is between our disciplined and undisciplined mind. Amen. It's a matter of vigilance, to be constantly aware of my thoughts, and switching them to what it is I want to think about.

And as I walk this path, sometimes I stumble over rocks and slip on wet pavement, but through it all I notice one major difference --

his grasp on my hand gets tighter, as he lifts me up.

James, this is my vow to you -- I pay it forward.