Friday, January 24, 2014

Dreaming it real

Has this ever been my mantra lately. I've been on quite the fishing trip trying to figure out where I'm to go next and what to do. ACH! I'm driving myself looney, not to mention those I live with, because I'm wanting to get my next step done. I remember feeling this way every single time I felt the "moving" feeling come over me. I ended up staying at my house with the ex-husband six months after the divorce because the "next step" didn't occur until then. I remember almost losing my mind still being in the same house and the same town months after I signed papers saying that legally I didn't have to be there any longer. Every trip I made to the Roaring Fork Valley in Colorado to "seal" my new place and my new occupation fell through time and again. When "out of the blue" an opportunity showed up to move to Steamboat Springs instead. It was almost effortless. Doors flung open, and I walked through. Perfect timing because I met my shaman who I ended up working with the rest of the time I lived there. If I had moved to the Aspen area then, I would never had that experience, and it was my relationship with him that changed the rest of my journey. Thanks, Rob!

Then came the time to move from Steamboat. Again, the anxiety level showed itself. I had had enough shoveling snow and wanted a warmer climate. I was gifted a session with an intuitive who told me I would move back to Texas and be with my daughter. I told her never in a million years would I ever move back to Texas. She also told me that I would be meeting a man very, very soon. I left there thinking she was nuts. The next day I met the man, and three weeks after that I left for Texas to be with my daughter.

Energy levels shifted in me again almost two years later when I could hardly stand sitting still, somewhat how I'm feeling now. Pacing, looking out windows, scrubbing kitchen counters, cleaning floors... Back then I ended up in New Mexico on a whim. It happened that fast. I thought I was going to move back to Colorado. Now, looking back on that time I see what foolishness it would have been to move back to Colorado at that time. I needed my time in New Mexico -- my "forty days and forty nights" as I called it. I learned much about myself and was able to move on when the vision of moving to Oswego, NY showed up. Like the previous moves it was seamless. Everything fell into place easily, but it was not my timing, and that's what I need to remember right now. It has never been my timing. (Haven't I learned that yet?)

In the meantime I have "seen" what I want and where I want it. Here's the thing though, does it show up like that? I don't have references for that happening in the past. I've had visions of my life's journeys and they've never shown up like I imagined them. Is my ego a bigger player in all of this than I'd like it to be? My ability to relax into the unknown has been shaken a bit. The desire to do something has amped up, and yet I'm puzzled by what it is exactly that I can do to move me on my way. What if my way is really just right here in central New York reading, studying, being with friends and my daughter, and helping my friend get her house ready to put on the market? What if that is life for me right now? Selling dresses occasionally, taking walks, and drinking chai tea lattes? What if that's all there is right now? What if there is nothing more for me to do to move myself forward other than being happy with where I am right now? Sometimes thinking about what I really want and where I want it scares the living crap out of me, and I know that hasn't been so great for the moving-forward-in-life proposition. Oh fuck, sometimes I am my own worst enemy for not believing in myself and what I'm capable of, and that just pisses me off really. It's easy for me to believe in others, but not myself? Who sold me that bill of goods, and why do I choose to still hang on to it? Well that's just stupid.

Here's what I see for myself, and it really jazzes me when I allow myself to just swim in its fullness. I see a place where there is a small coffee shop area with repurposed tables made of windows for the table tops and mismatched chairs. That's in one side of the building. The other side is filled with other repurposed items that have been hand made from artists, painted in chakra colors to help people open up that part of themselves that have been closed off. On these chairs will be words that spark the opening process. The retail space will also have clothing with words on them that alter people's moods and poetry that enlightens them. There's a classroom space to teach people how to do all of this for themselves too. This room is also used for healing circles, poetry readings, and shamanic journeys. There will be treatment rooms for sound healing, energy work, readings, etc. This is my dream. This is what I think about all the time. And last night a friend told me where she felt the right place was. I got online today and looked at pictures of it. I think she was right on. The place was Basalt, Colorado. So anyone with connections or notions about any of this feel free to let me in on what you know because I would love to get this party started.

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